Author Topic: My Story Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely  (Read 2073 times)

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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My Story Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« on: March 29, 2019, 09:47:37 AM »
My last thread with a strange ow pop up moment  ::) https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10731.0;all

I have had a game of two halves today; a productive morning and a bit of a bleh afternoon. Tbh I think the text bothered me a bit more than I hoped it would, not emotionally but in a mindworm kind of way. NC has given me peace from unpleasant surprises and I didn't much like it. Natural I suppose that when we feel attacked in some way, no matter how wise we try to be in rising above it, a bit of us wants to react in some way directly or indirectly. I haven't and I won't, but it leaves a tiny residue so I felt a bit down this afternoon and couldn't really focus well on other things. I hate that too.

But while I was being unproductive and a bit mentally dishevelled, the lovely men outside were finishing the last bit of the patio which looks lovely...and now I can plant my yellow roses. And I am here and alive and it is going to be sunny tomorrow. And I have come a long way in the last few months. I honestly feel that I no longer have PTSD, just a few echoes, a couple of ghosts and some stuff to do.

Hence my new thread title.

EMDR has done it's job but I still have a lot to do now my brain has been rewired  :)
Which has got me thinking about avoidance, my favourite trauma go to strategy lol.
I think there is avoidance based on fear, or more accurately Fear...when your soul is screaming kind of fear and you can't find your way out.
And I think there is avoidance based on resistance, on things you don't do bc you don't want to, bc if you do them you can't ignore a new reality. I have some of that too.  :D
That is the bit that gets in the way of building a new life....bc a big bit of me doesn't like it and wants my old life back. Or bits of it anyway.
So I sidle towards tasks and then sidle away. I get very cross with myself that I make a plan of action and don't do it. That I can't get excited about the possibilities of a new kind of life bc I still resent having the old life blown up.

But sidling won't do it.
And as the saying goes, what I resists, persists....so I have to keep trying and failing and trying again until I feel differently. Bc this experience ate three years of my life and I really don't want to give it much more.
I susoect I may need to hunt for the equivalent of yellow roses in my to do list  :)
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 10:07:47 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 10:23:46 AM »
Attaching, Treasur. Wouldn't miss it.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2019, 10:39:34 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Treasur.

It is normal the text bothered you. What is important is that you did not reacted or replied to it.

A finished pation and yellow roses to be planted. Wonderful.  :)

I susoect I may need to hunt for the equivalent of yellow roses in my to do list  :)

Sounds like a great idea.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2019, 10:44:28 AM »

It is normal the text bothered you. What is important is that you did not reacted or replied to it.


And I shall give myself a small gold star for that, Anjae. Quite right. Nor did I compose replies or conversations in my head as I would have done months ago.
I just didn't like the niggle much but will take it as a sign that NC is great for me  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2019, 10:50:06 AM »
No one would like such text. NC means peace of mind and keeps us away from crazy.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2019, 11:59:51 AM »
Yay.  I’m coming along at the start lol.


Strawberry snapps recipe, I tend to just through it all in so don’t really measure but here is what I do.

1. Get one of those large square bottles of water from supermarket and when empty
2. Pour in a whole bottle of 1 litre bottle of vodka
3. Half fill the empty vodka bottle with water and pour into bug plastic bottle.
4. Add third of a bag of sugar ( caster or granulated)
4. Add 500g strawberry ( bag and half of sandwich bag filled with frozen strawberry, if you have frozen from last yr like I do)
5. Give a shake till sugar almost dissolved or pref dissolved.
6. Store in a chilled or dark place and shake for couple mins each day for a week
7. Leave for 4-6 wks.
8. Siphon off and bottle.
8. Make vodka jam with the spent strawberry ( bit of dark pink or red food colouring brings back the colour.
9. Drink in its own or a long glass with lemonade a sprig of apple mint and a frozen strawb on a summers eve.

Mixed berry or raspberry nice also ( beware of blackcurrent, need a lot more fruit)

Let me know if anyone tries and what they think. Happy summer soon xx

P.s I don’t know how I cannot get spelling right on a keyboard on a rather larger phone! Wtf! I am always having to modify!  Or a larger than normal glass of processco as I felt the need to de-stress with a glass in quiet in my bedroom on my own whilst kids busy in sons room. Xx
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 12:06:46 PM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2019, 02:36:53 PM »
Oh Rising I am definitely in with the Strawberry Snapps!! Yum.

Treasur. I didn't comment on your last thread about the texts. Mostly shaking my head, and in complete agreement with the cray-cray assessment. But mostly in complete awe as to how you responded. Not only in choosing to go silent with OW (which I find to be the loudest of the loudest of screams for such people), but also how you personally viewed it and understood where it came from. Amazing. Truly.

Strawberry Snapps and Yellow Roses all around. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2019, 02:55:22 PM »
I am with KIT.  Just in awe of your restraint with that nasty woman.  I am guilty on your behalf of composing at least two replies in my head on your behalf.

That is some amazing growth on your part.   

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline sachat3

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2019, 03:21:46 PM »
Attaching
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2019, 11:57:20 PM »
Thank you for admiring my restraint lol. Actually it was difficult bc I was angry about it. At the lack of respect from both of them. So I didn't much want to let them feel they had 'won' and 'scared me off'. But...and it is a big important but....my pride and anger would have made me fight back for something I don't want actually. NC works fine for me. Nothing to lose.

What I also realised this morning was another important difference. When I was traumatised, I felt like a victim, and my emotions were more 'how can he be so cruel or indifferent?'. Now it was anger at being talked to like that, resentment at this silly woman invading my life for no good reason, a sense of how ridiculous it was and a raised eyebrow at what it said about the control in their relationship and what a pathetic specimen he was. I feel a bit ashamed of how weakened i was by trauma, illness and grief but it is nice to have both my pride and logic back. Feels like the core me again.

There are lots of bits of MLC theory that make sense to me. I have no doubt that my then h had some kind of breakdown or crisis and that, whatever it was, it wasn't a reflection of me or even our marriage mostly. Or indeed many of the theories about the role and behaviour of ow. Or the insanity of so much that happens or doesn't. The bit I have never been sure about in my case is the belief that their love and good memories are hidden behind the MLC behaviour where some core self that is more recognisable remains. Or that when they come out of crisis, this part is reawoken in some way and that most will reach out for some kind of closure if not reconnection.

Now I am only talking about me, no one else, and not as a template for what anyone else should think, feel or do. Just me.

There are lots of things on this LBS journey that I have been able to accept or let go.
The level of contempt shown to me by someone who I believe used to love me has always been a struggle for me. And it does feel personal tbh. Not in the sense that I deserve it, of course not, but in the sense that it was brutal and designed to hurt me and to trash my past as well as my present. The very clear message from my xh's behaviour after the first 9 months or so was 'you are worthless, our life together was worthless and I owe you not even a shred of basic respect as a human being'.

That is a hard reality pill to swallow...but it is real.
Initially I wanted, maybe needed, to believe it wasn't how he really felt deep down.
But actually, rationally, based on what I could see, it most likely was/is.
Now I can't comprehend treating anyone like that, let alone after sharing my life with them for 20 years, but that is about the kind of person I am and my outlook on the world. And of course it says rather more about him than it does about me.

The tough truth is that the most simple explanation for why people do x or y is that it reflects how they feel and what they want and don't want. It may not be what they DID feel, but it is what they feel NOW.

1t's story has always been based on her unshakeable belief that her h loves her, and to be fair there have been times when he has said so even when his actions have not looked like that. I didn't feel that in my situation. I felt that my h wanted me to not exist, to never have existed, to be erased....and that he would do anything at all almost to make that so. That he hated our past and despised me and saw me as a terrible thing in his life. That he genuinely simply did not care if I lived or died as long as I vanished.
Now of course that wasn't what it felt like for 20 years or what all of us saw, not at all, but it was consistently how it felt from June 16...well, apart from the odd email thinky and things like watchgate but those always felt like they were more about him feeling a bit sorry for himself and wondering if he had messed up his own life, they weren't about me at all.

Part of rebuilding for me is about swallowing that down tbh.
Yes it is possible that ow monitors his phone etc...yes, the text says something not very healthy about both of them...but the simplest explanation is that my xh didn't want to deal with it and she jumped in to the rescue. Which also means he chose to give someone who threatened my life and stole something belonging to me a means of contacting me directly and the permission to be a bouncer and spokesperson for him. He had plenty of other choices. It is pathetic of course....but it is also part of the same 'will you just F off and disappear' message isn't it?

My xh simply wants me to disappear. To F off and die or act as if I was dead. No regrets, remorse or good memories, just contempt and dismissal. Same towards his old friends and my family. If he felt otherwise, he would have behaved differently.


It is a rational likely truth that I have resisted for a very long time bc it was too damn painful and too incomprehensible for me to accept. So I resisted it.
It feels like a horrible stain on my life that I somehow ended up married to a person who was even capable of behaving in that way. But I did and he is and it feels like the last bit of denial to pretend otherwise.

I remember about a year post BD when I was talking to a new friend and venting a bit - something had happened, can't remember what -  and they said 'what a lowlife ba$tard!'. And I jumped in with an MLC defence...today, I would just nod. Yes, my h turned into a ba$tard, a real pos human being, a weak angry man without honour. Hard to respect that and tbh I wouldn't respect myself if I wanted a man like that. It wasn't the man I thought I had, and I may not know why, but my xh IS a lowlife ba$tard now. It isn't a comfortable thing to accept bc I wanted to resist it being the truth or to lessen it by seeing it as somehow not real or temporary. But that does not change the fact that for the last 3 years he has been just that, a man who lies, cheats, steals and treated everyone who cared about him like disposable bits of rubbish. A man who can't be trusted or relied upon. A man with no balls.

I see fine men here all the time, men with grit and commitment and integrity. Men with balls worth respecting. And that is a lovely reminder that men like that exist.

And me? Yup, I have been pretty pathetic at times. Full of self pity, deep fear, seeing myself as a helpless victim and lacking backbone. Full of mind monkeys and stuck in limbo for way too long bc I cared more about my h than myself. But I have also been honest, courageous, rational, compassionate, fair and decent. I would give myself a B- at least! Well, maybe a C+...,

While I plant roses today, I will do my best to swallow it down but also keep reminding myself that it is not the behaviour of a healthy person with a healthy soul, not what I deserved or created, and that unhealthy souls tend to create unhealthy lives. And whatever I rebuild from here, my life is better without lowlife ba$tards of any flavour in it.....didn't have them before this, won't have them now. I didn't deserve to end up with a h who despised me and hoped I would die. It is shocking and incomprehensible to a normal person. But that is what I got.

The truth does set you free even if it takes a while to reach the point where you can speak it. I found this link from Sada very helpful as a person of faith https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/trauma-is-not-a-life-sentence

And I feel a bit of pride tbh that I survived it all without actually believing that I was worthless, or dying under the weight of being devalued,  and to see the possibility of yellow roses and good people.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 12:55:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Music45

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2019, 01:01:23 AM »
Here's to yellow roses and good people and strawberry schnapps and  new patios and sunshine and knowing you have behaved well and can hold your head up high.
Definitely a solid B, Treasur.  Listen to you and all you've learnt. Definitely a solid B.

I think I'll buy a yellow rose today. You've inspired me.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 02:00:30 AM by Music45 »
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2019, 01:07:12 AM »
I think every LBS should plant a yellow rose as an HS symbol....the world will be better for more roses  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2019, 05:36:25 AM »
Treasur

I lost you and spent the last 48 hours or so catching up and i’m up to date again! I won’t delve into quotes from your last thread instead will pick this...

I see fine men here all the time, men with grit and commitment and integrity. Men with balls worth respecting. And that is a lovely reminder that men like that exist.

I agree it is really nice to be involved with the real men here, rather than the MLC nonsense in RL. I am sure the men here also appreciate the strong decent women here, you being an excellent example of one.

(Yellow) Rose 🌹 💐
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2019, 05:39:05 AM »
I think every LBS should plant a yellow rose as an HS symbol....the world will be better for more roses  ;)


We have yellow roses in the terrace. :-)  The world would indeed better for more roses. Or any other flowers. Hundreds of thousands of tulips were planted in Porto's gardens. They look beautiful.  :)

"I see fine men here all the time, men with grit and commitment and integrity. Men with balls worth respecting. And that is a lovely reminder that men like that exist." This was our MLCers before MLC. No one knows if the men we see will not have a MLC. Like no one thought our husbands' would.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2019, 06:32:00 AM »
Bringing my cult T-shirt along.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2019, 09:05:19 AM »
Looking for a bit of help from others who might have struggled with something similar and found a way round it. Free therapy lol as I'm not seeing mine for a couple of weeks.

While planting roses today, I really wanted to cry but wasn't sure why.
I think the closest I can get to it is that I feel hated. I don't know why of course but it's like smoke in the air. Not ow, that doesn't bother me and makes perfect sense.
But as the last bits of denial drop, the truth is that most likely and based on my xh's behaviour, he really hates me. To the point of perhaps wishing me harm or suffering.
Quite apart from the fact that it is an incomprehensible mondf**k of course, and tremendously sad for me to accept after so many years, it feels like it is sort of psychically infecting me.
I can rationally accept it as probable. I can see that he behaved for a long time as you would if you hated someone.
But I've never felt hated before.
And it is making me feel a bit yukky somehow.

Nothing I say or do will change it of course. And going back to NC means I don't see it. Yet somehow I still feel it. And of course the text was a poke to my system.
But it is making me feel really uncomfortable in my skin. Not afraid, just unsettled somehow.

Any thoughts on what helped from anyone who felt something similar a few years out?
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 09:11:05 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2019, 09:05:52 AM »
Anj - that’s the issue I face right now. I think if I met someone they would already have to have had a MLC. Lord knows if I devdide to stop standing and find someone new I am NOT doing MLC again ha! Once is enough
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2019, 09:24:47 AM »
Any thoughts on what helped from anyone who felt something similar a few years out?



Time, focus on myself. Accept that the reaction and what I feel was normal. The usual stuff.  :) And yellow roses.  :)

Sachat, some here, like Ursa, have two marriages and two MLCers. Many people never had a MLC. The thing is, until someone has MLC, they were nice, good, decent people. Not sure I would want a MLCer, unless it was one that was single/non-MLC divorced/widowed when MLC come.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2019, 09:31:19 AM »
Treasur I don’t feel hated at all by my MLCer. I feel dismissed and that he feels apathetic toward me. Worse than hate? They say apathy is the opposite of love. Eh, either way, we’ve lost the affection of our beloved. Honestly I just try to remember he’s in crisis and that I represent all things he wants to run away from. It does help. Knowing he’s not the same self he was. That this version doesn’t care for me, but the old, better one did. I think I’m rambling now lol.

Anyway, sorry you feel hated friend. I sure like you and think you are pretty awesome! 8)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Still Half full

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2019, 10:07:52 AM »
Aw Treasur, I’m sorry you’re feeling like that, but you’ve had a shock, the text was like a virtual punch, but you’re assuming and we know that’s not good

You have no idea how ow knew about your texts, you don’t know if he showed her or if she sneaked and checks his phone, you don’t know if he knows that she’s sent the text, and you don’t know if he agrees with her. Remember the Four Agreements, no assuming

I’m sorry that the stupid ow has invaded your space, but she’s done it because of how she feels, and you don’t know what that is, it could be trying to make trouble, it could be because she feels threatened, the list is endless, but she is definitely not worth you losing your equilibrium

I’m sure we would all feel like you do after receiving that text, so I understand, but get hold of those monkeys and chuck them out of your mind

Hope you get some comfort from your roses and that the sea air blows the negative thoughts and feelings from you
 :)
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2019, 10:07:59 AM »
Treasur,  I went through the "How could anyone hate me so much."phase a little wile back.  That started the monkey braining about "what had I done that would cause anyone to hate me so much they would treat me this way?"

After I'd had my mini pity party, complete with sad songs and tears ( necessary to cleanse the soul), I knew, as I really internally always knew, that it wasn't about "hating" me, personally.  I was just in the way. There was nothing specific to me except I was in the way of what he thought he wanted at that time. He was angry at EVERYONE who didn't pander to his imagined image, and the only people who pandered to him were the people he wore the mask for, because they only knew fake him.

The hate was not for you, the hate was for anything that, in his mind, was in the way of his  living his imagined perfect image, and that image was not based on a plan to get there, hard work or reality. It was supposed to magically appear without the MLCER doing anything to deserve it.

In my case, my MLCER could see that I worked for everything I got. When opportunities arose, I took them or passed, based on what was needed at the time. Need a new car? Pick up a contract for a few months, buy a car. Want a vacation? Sell jewelry on Etsy. I mowed, repaired, created birthday parties,  drove kids to sporting events, helped with homework, did laundry cooking, cleaning.....I did it all.  He went to work and came home and did nothing else. And I think that was the problem. He wanted to be someone other than who he was, but dId nothing to chage it. If you hate everything about yourself, and you have done NOTHING to change it, do you look at yourself and say "It's my own fault", or do you look outside yourself and say "it's everyone else's fault"? If a person chooses the latter, imo they turn the hate for their own lack of impetus onto what is external, else they would be forced to hate themselves. If the LBS were just "gone", then the MLCER would have no guilt for their actions.

Ergo, the hate is not for the LBS. And therefore not for you. You are just in the path of the Atomic Bomb fallout. The true bomb was the MLCER blowing up themselves. We are collateral damage from the fallout. We could have been anyone or thing within range.

My suggestion is to look around at those who love you. Does one person'S "hate" cancel out all the good?  Why does it matter what someone who is so obviously mentally/emotionally messed up thinks of you? Is it just that you cannot stand anyone not liking you, perhaps? Are you concerned you deserve the "hate"?  (I would laugh at that thought, btw)  Are you wanting to control the outcome? Are you afraid he really did "hate" you for 26 years ( I would also laugh at that thought)

At the end of your life, why does it matter to you that anyone would "hate" you if you know you have done nothing to deserve it? If you figure out that, then you will know where you still need to help yourself.

I love my roses, btw. I owned a "New Day" yellow rose that was incredible. But I truly love my Chrysler Imperial (red, with a scent unmatched by any other rose, imo) ,  Double Delight (red and white),  Bewitched (pink), and Voodoo (Orange).  The Chysler Imperial is 20 years old.  Will you plant other colours?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2019, 10:28:15 AM »
Treasur I’m not necessarily ahead of you in experience but I’m in the outside. My thinking is that the message from OW triggered you and what it specifically triggered was that feeling that your H hates you because this is what you are finding hardest to accept. Not saying he really hates you which is an intense emotion if that were the case, but that he hates that you exist because you make him feel terrible for what he’s doing. He would rather not have to think about you.

OW answering for him made you assume your H is ok with this, and he coulnd’t possibly be ok with it unless he hated you. Because a message like that was hurtful and dismissive.

You were triggered - brought back temporarily to some of that initial pain. I would say accept the pain.  Tomorrow you will be stronger and in a week much stronger. Big hugs
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2019, 10:44:32 AM »
I don’t know....I would have been very discombobulated By the text, yet I thought it showed that he is indeed unwell.

 My thoughts were that it ties in very well with what you have previously written about his needing ‘scaffolding’: that he is at present - perhaps always was to some degree  - very dependent on that scaffolding, but it only really shows when the scaffolding is unsound.  I felt he is being ‘propped up’ rather than scaffolded and supported with maturity and respect.  At any rate, he isn’t being a mature adult.  How could he be if reliant upon someone who isn’t that either?

From here,  it feels like watching a lost boy.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2019, 11:01:55 AM »

From here,  it feels like watching a lost boy.
^^^^^That.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Onward

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2019, 11:25:16 AM »
Treasur I don’t feel hated at all by my MLCer. I feel dismissed and that he feels apathetic toward me. Worse than hate? They say apathy is the opposite of love. Eh, either way, we’ve lost the affection of our beloved. Honestly I just try to remember he’s in crisis and that I represent all things he wants to run away from. It does help. Knowing he’s not the same self he was. That this version doesn’t care for me, but the old, better one did. I think I’m rambling now lol.

Anyway, sorry you feel hated friend. I sure like you and think you are pretty awesome! 8)

I (loudly) echo this.


From here,  it feels like watching a lost boy.
^^^^^That.

And this

While planting roses today, I really wanted to cry but wasn't sure why.

I think this is quite normal, and quite healthy. I go through spells where I feel the same way. Not so often any more, and they don't last so long. But they definitely happen. It's generally prompted by some kind of reminder of H, memory of time with H, or just a general sense of my life is not what I thought it would be and that's because of the decisions of H.

You've clearly had a disturbing contact that has added to the sense of being disposed of. It's very unsettling to think -- or worse, be told -- that you are unwelcome and unworthy. By "her", no less.

For what it is worth, the thing that I still struggle with the most is that H could just dispose of me as he did. Toss. And walk away. And blame. That I don't even warrant a footnote in his life because "she" is everything now.

And all of the advise about focusing on you, and recognizing that this is about him running from himself and all of what we *know* are such important reminders.

But sometimes the body knows it needs to get rid of what the mind doesn't want to feel.
And tears flush those feelings away.
And that, dear Treasur, can be a very good thing.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 11:28:36 AM by Onward »
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2019, 12:09:18 PM »
Following along on your new thread T. I think that you handled the texts well - I too have in my mind written a few choice replies to the sender of the message - they don't deserve any more of your headspace. Normal people do not behave like this. Focus on you and cry it all out when you need to. I love the insight of your posts and your writing on fear has really helped me this evening as this is where I am today. Keep going, I'm going to buy a rose next week, PG xxx

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2019, 05:18:06 PM »
Lost your thread for a minute. All caught up.
Sport you had to deal with that. You did just fine.  You are awesome.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Anon

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #27 on: March 30, 2019, 07:29:26 PM »
Quote
But I've never felt hated before.   And it is making me feel a bit yukky somehow.
You are hated by the OW for obvious reasons.  Who knows how your xh feels except your xh?   My guess is that not many MLCer's hate their spouse UNLESS they hated them before the MLC started.   Then it might make sense, but otherwise,,, they don't hate you.

Who knows how OW came to know about the texts and why she responded instead of your xh.   A dozen different possibilities there.  What matters is that she did respond, not xh, and so everything she says is filtered through HER hate for you, which thankfully you couldn't care less about.  What remains is ... who knows how your xh feels except your xh?   You will know one day when he is able to freely speak for himself.

The yukky feeling,,, just speculating and throwing out thoughts.    Did you break NC to see if anything at all had changed with him?  And when you learned nothing from him but only from OW, did it feel like breaking your NC was a waste of time and in doing so you exposed yourself to the OW abuse?   Or.... is it because with OW in his life there is truly no way for either one of you to contact the other?   Whether you had expectations or not, you are now starting over at Day 1 with the atomic no contact and do you regret that you broke it in the first place?

I'm sorry about the yukky feeling,,, that's not good.   Would building up those NC days eventually ease that yukkiness? 

I'm just tossing out my thoughts from putting myself in your shoes and wondering how I would feel myself.  ALL of those things mentioned above would have an impact on me and make me feel yukky.  You did nothing wrong or weird or anything other than understandable.  If anyone should feel yukky,, it's not you.   
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 07:38:43 PM by Anon »

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #28 on: March 30, 2019, 10:22:10 PM »
Thank you all. I have had a rough couple of days here post text, reallly knocked me back.
I'll respond to your wise points with my mental 'work in the margin' in a longer post bc it will help me and might help others, particularly those with vanishers.
But you all helped me see that there were several layers to why i was feeling how I was feeling, including all of the inconsistent bits in my own head.
Thank you.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 10:23:12 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #29 on: March 31, 2019, 03:41:01 AM »
So many monkeys...but you guys helped me see what I really feel and think and why.
And that helps me decide what to do with it.

Anjae...thank you for reminding me of the LBS basics. Quite right but easy to forget when we think we have outgrown the time when we needed them so much. But thank you bc the basics are the place to go first when we are not sure aren't they? I am grateful for the wise experience you share here.

KIT...you helped me see that it wasn't about being hated; it was about being despised and dismissed as not even entitled to speak about my own life and marriage. Which is the curse of being ignored by a vanisher. And exactly the tone of the text message claiming to speak on my xh's behalf.

SHF...such a useful reminder about assumptions. It is so tricky though bc we try not to make them yet sometimes, as in normal life, have to make a few in order to decide on what to do or not to do. In normal life of course it's not a complicated thing usually to just check our assumptions out with someone. With an MLC spouse, that's often impossible and usually futile. But it was still a timely reminder to separate facts from assumptions.

OR....I get your point about just being in the way. Most of the time that was how it felt tbh...that I was irrelevant collateral damage when my h was like a determined suicide bomber or that I was standing in front of the door he wanted to run though. And also that neither was changed in any way by my behaviour...my then ranted by emai about me delaying the divorce to hang on to him when the facts were the exact opposite, standard script of course. And your point about why it really matters to me? As I said earlier, I suspect it is not about hate but importance or significance, that I mattered and my life mattered. Ow's hate doesn't touch me at all tbh....but the echo of being dismissed as worthless and an irritating barrier speaking on his behalf, that bothered me. One of the hard truths...and I don't mean to sound self-putting, it's just been part of how it had been...is that I lost those closest to me all at once so I had no places where I was deeply loved to run to in order to counter-balance it. For a long time there was just me, Louis the cat and God. I have friends who care about me and think I am a good egg, of course I do, but I have no one left in my life who loves me deeply and knows me deeply. So I can't look around at those who love me bc they have all gone and of course that has made it much harder. Having said that, your post made me reflect that the only sane way to outwit hate and contempt is to run towards places of love and respect for yourself. Just have to figure out how to create those again!

Milly...well I think you win the 'seeing the trees for the forest' prize today! You are absolutely spot on. It WAS a trigger...bc I expected no reply and certainly not from ow, bc the tone was so patronising and dismissive. And yes, bc that fear is the biggest remaining residue for me. Idk if it is hate actually. I suspect it is more about being insignificant and being despised by him. And yes, it absolutely flipped me right back to that old feeling of helplessness and bewilderment in the face of being so completely ignored by my then h. It was a loud echo. Do I think he hated/hates me? Truthfully, there was a few months in late 2016/early 2017 when it felt like that, around the time of death threats and my cancer treatment. His silence was full of rage. Before that, it felt like fear. After that, it felt like a mix of guilt and frustration about what he called 'the silly mess'....and yes, his desire to 'move on' without having to look back so just wanting me to go pffft and disappear.

Nerissa....yes, without monkey braining too much about either him, her or their relationship, it wasn't a normal response to a simple neutral birthday wish. No idea whose design it was, but it was very weird and a bit ridiculous. So, yes, he is evidently still not operating as a mature emotionally healthy adult. And yes, her/their scaffolding isn't very mature or emotionally healthy either. But that is their business. The 'lost boy' idea? Not sure why you thought that but interested to hear more. Instinctively it sort of rang true. Was he always? Maybe...but just had better quality more respectful less controlling scaffolding with more adult expectations probably.

Onward...yes, unwelcome and unworthy indeed. And it prodded a lot of mind monkeys about just how involved ow was in blowing my life up behind the scenes before I even knew she existed and just how much information about me my then h shared. It is a very uncomfortable kind of betrayal, much worse for me actually and surprisingly than the sexual betrayal, to know that my h was probably talking ABOUT me while refusing to talk tO me, and giving another woman a voice and vote in my life and our marriage while deciding to ignore mind. No wonder it was a trigger. I felt a kind of physical revulsion actually and it was nice to delete it. And very disappointing that as soon as I tried trusting my xh with a way to contact me, she started her game up again and he did not protect me from that...

Philly...thank you for the reminder that yes, normal people don't act this way. Maybe a bit of me hoped that now he has what he wanted and after months of NC, he would be closer to being a normal healthy human again. Evidently not. But I'm glad my witterings here have been useful to you.

Shelly...thank you for the vote of confidence.

Anon...such wise words...who knows if there will ever be a time when my xh will speak freely? None of this insane mess has ever made much sense to me but it is clear that I was treated as some kind of enemy by my then n regardless of anything I said or did. And tbh, given other events, I was remarkably controlled in my responses and never (once the real BD of divorce was announced) tried to fight him, delay it or hurt him back. Made no difference to an MLC divorce process of course lol. And yeah, you're right....the yukky feeling has two parts...the trigger feelings I've already mentioned and my own feeling of stupidity in breaking NC. Bc if I had not done so, this would not have happened and I would not have had this couple of grim days. And I didn't rush into it....so did I misinterpret what I thought God was telling me? Or twist it? Or was I just an idiot to go against the overpowering logic of NC in my situation given past events? Do I feel guilty for exposing myself to the crazy s$it again? Or ashamed of not being smarter or stronger? Maybe, truthfully. It does seem as if it was a mistake. Well, for me anyway. And I feel ashamed too probably that it hurt and distressed me as much as it did bc I thought I had progressed further than that. And I am wondering if I had an unconscious agenda that I didn't see but should have seen. So, yup, part of the yukky is the combo of being talked to like an irritating stalker by ow mixed with feeling a bit pathetic maybe for breaking NC and how that makes me look. And realising that whilst I am proud to have survived, I have not yet built a new me that I feel proud about as I used to.

So...lots of stuff there...first rule = do nothing.
But I will post a follow on about what, if anything, I want to do.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 03:43:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #30 on: March 31, 2019, 04:52:54 AM »
I am tackling the last of the photos today, ironically from the year we got married.
Which has made me realise something too.
Insane as it probably sounds, my brain has simply NEVER been able to reconcile the reality of the person I knew as my h and the MLC version that is my xh. It is simply beyond me and I think I have to accept that bc goodness knows I have tried hard enough  :)

I have practically accepted a lot. I have slowly become accustomed to a life and future without my h's face or voice. I have even got past the point where I expect any kind of apology, explanation or goodbye much as it would have helped earlier on. I do not want my h back and I do not see any way to bridge the gap he made between us. I just don't. He destroyed all the good stuff at the heart of both our marriage and our friendship beyond any kind of repair even if I don't entirely know why he chose to do that; a lot of very extreme things happened. And dealing with the reality of it took everything I had and I wouldn't want to take even a small risk of returning to that. I'd rather never see or hear from, or about, him again. Much easier.

Yet I still miss my h and feel sad and bewildered about how we got from there to here and how powerless I was to do anything about it at all. Not every day, not all the time, but still sometimes.
NC helps me bc it means I don't have to see the reality of MLC xh. I can behave as if my h died essentially and I find that much easier to do. Is that denial? Maybe. But I have to be honest about my own limits I think. I don't want to see him or talk to him or be exposed to his new life bc it is too crazy and sad for me. Not bc I hate him, but bc it hurts to see how it is compared to what I lost. Bizarrely I suppose it is almost an LBS version of the MLC vanisher.....just a thought to log.

And it returns me to asking myself honestly why I broke NC given that doesn't it?
I am feeling quite down and adrift today....one of those days when I feel tired of nothing feeling right anymore and tired of working so hard for so little that feels good. It will pass, but I am tired of feeling sad and lost tbh. I miss my life, my old home, my cats, my family, my best friend and life before I knew any of this s$it....sometimes I really don't know what the point is, what I am working for or if I will get there....

Perhaps I am at a sort of 'last big push' stage now of trying to get out and on? Rats though....whatever is going on with me it.feels like a huge step back and I hate it.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 05:57:56 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #31 on: March 31, 2019, 06:36:03 AM »
Finally all caught up!! I didn't want to comment until I got through all the posts from the last couple of days so some of my comments are a bit "dated" but here we go!

I'm very sorry that you are feeling down.. As you know from my own thread, I had that for the last while so I know what you are going through and how awful it feels...  But you know better than me that all of this will pass.. You have come a long way in the last few months and this is just a minor blip. It might serve a purpose in your overall healing and rebuilding. You will probably see that in a while when you look back.

OW text left me speechless... What drives a person to do something like that I will never understand.. But I agree with the others, I would not assume your xH asked her to do it or that he even knows about the matter. And I honestly do not believe your H hates you, he might hate the way he feels when he thinks about everything he has done to you and that might trigger some awful behavior from him but that does not mean he hates you.. From what I read in your threads I think your xH is a very broken man now and part of me thinks he's not even deliberately trying to ignore you.. He simply has no idea what to do so he simply avoids, it's a lot easier to avoid than to face up to it.. I obviously have no way of knowing this for sure but just throwing it out there..

As for breaking the NC.. Maybe it was a test, you made the decision of NC 9 months ago for very good and valid reasons. But time has gone by and you have progressed a lot in your LBS journey. And maybe part of you was wondering if the atomic NC was still necessary or maybe was preventing you from getting some of the answers you had been craving.. And right now it might feel like it was a mistake but I think that inner voice led you there for a reason.. That reason might not be obvious now but it will come to you with time..

On a lighter note.. all this talk about yellow roses is making me feel awful about my lack of gardening skills!! I might just have to do a crash course or something so I can plant my own yellow roses  ;D

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #32 on: March 31, 2019, 07:03:50 AM »
Thank you, one day, for reminding me of 3 important things:
- whatever we feel passes and sometimes the blips provide a necessary bounce of progress
- that the text really was as horrid and weird as it seemed, and says a great deal about the character of the person who sent it.....and my reactions says a great deal about mine I guess
- that I should distract myself with more rose planting

To be honest...sssh, it's a secret...I am a tiny bit suicidal feeling today. (And what a strange thing that is to admit, but saying it out loud to strangers makes it smaller). Frightens me a bit to be back here actually.
I'm tired and profoundly lonely and I hate the life I have and I'm doing a crappy slow job of making a new one and no one loves me and no one needs me and most of all I'm just tired of battling my own demons.
Now, let me reassure you...this is not my first rodeo...so I know the difference between thoughts and actions. I have no intention of doing anything about my thoughts but pressing on through them.
But it is honestly how I feel. Life is just too damn hard and not me ish.

I will let it run through. Makes we wonder if NC is literally necessary for me to stay alive actually. Bit disheartening that i am not further ahead of the game as I thought. Maybe the EMDR has released some unfinished grief and pain, idk. But if anyone trips up into the same place, this is a very good site https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/07/31/talking-back-to-suicidal-thoughts/
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #33 on: March 31, 2019, 07:12:24 AM »
Treasur,

I am sorry you are in that dark place today. But so glad that you can recognize it.  The text was bizarre; I did not comment because everyone else was spot on.  I, too, doubt that he wrote it.  (I was reminded of the odd text 1T got from the OW pretending to be H).

Do something special today that gets you out in the world. Plan a visit to your mother and bring her a yellow rose.
Sending hugs.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #34 on: March 31, 2019, 07:38:52 AM »
But you are far enough in the journey to know that what you are feeling is temporary and will pass.. That you don't need to act on your thoughts.. I had a few seconds last week when the thought crossed my mind as well because I also felt so tired.. But my inner voice just said "don't be stupid, what are you thinking about?" It's the fighter in us trying to slap some sense into our brains...

I think for you and me, the fact that we don't have kids, makes it that bit harder.. Our life is not what we want or what we expected and that can be a bit overwhelming.. We spend a lot of time alone with our thoughts and that can be dangerous.. I have my family but they are so far away that I feel equally lonely.. But things will get better, life will be happier. We just have to be patient and have faith that the universe will eventually bring brighter days for us.  :)

BIG HUGS!!!!!!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #35 on: March 31, 2019, 08:31:47 AM »
I somehow knew the OW text was going to be a big deal. Not that she has any relevance, but that it would be a trigger.  I'm concerned that it took you back to a place where you feel so raw as to lose some of the value you see in living a good babe-ish life.   

I think your experience with breaking NC is loaded with valuable lessons.  Mainly, NC is for you (us) to help us heal from such a terrible ordeal. It truly becomes a valuable tool that puts us at the helm of owning our outcome.  I'm speaking in regards to someone who was left by (and with) a Vanisher.

With a vanisher, NC is A really good "fit" with regards to contact style.  Someone with a wallower or clinger would not fit this contact style well, as occasional contact is necessary and even valuable to them.  With a vanisher it is a perfect fit. 

I think with a vanisher, very RARE contact with zero expectation is OK.  For example, you see in the paper your hwow was a hero or made a fabulous position in a job market.  A quick note of congratulations because you really are happy and proud of them.  "Congratulations. You've really done well for yourself. I'm proud of you for your accomplishments."  All about them. 

Contact will result in
- a grateful response (best case scenario typically from a normal human being)
- ongoing crickets (message was blocked, not received, or jerk mode still in play)
- ugly monster response (worst case scenario)
So the odds are not in our favor with regards to breaking contact.

If your contact would have been left to the happy birthday note, and the second message not sent, you may not have gotten OW nutter monster message. but who knows... Don't put that monster to the test.  The important thing is to move on back into a healing mode for T.  The OW nutter spew pulled the scab from an old wound. I'm sorry you're dealing with the raw pain again.

Meanwhile, What other roses are you planting? 
Loved the sound of some of offroad's favorites!!
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline Believer

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #36 on: March 31, 2019, 08:55:27 AM »
Treasur,

I’m so sorry you’re feeling lost and sad. It’s tough when those emotions, thoughts and feelings all surface. I think it’s good to “just be” with it, it’ll pass I promise.  I’m 10 years in and even still I have these moments.

I find it better to not talk/ text with my exH as well, stirs up my heart just a little too much when I do. I still test the waters every so often and am reminded that it’s better to be quiet and focused on me. I think that’s possibly what you’ve experienced - a reminder to keep you first at this time.

It’s all good Treasur - you’re doing terrific and your garden is going to be gorgeous from all the love you have to give.

Hugs,
Believer

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #37 on: March 31, 2019, 09:09:09 AM »
I can see you speak from experience, Calling. And you too, Believer.
Maybe the EMDR had made me feel less of a victim...which made me see him as less of a monster....which made me forget he is v2 not v1?

Yup, the second message prompted by Harry actually was probably the straw/camel principle bc it had a bit of emotion/memory in it whereas the first was neutral. I honestly expected no response at all. I had no plan to contact him again and no need to do so.  I guess beginning to heal had made me want to offer a low key olive branch. But evidently my xh is still not back to normal human, or at least with regard to me.

The response was unpleasant and said a lot about him, her and their relationship. Very odd and not nice to read. No idea who did what or why, waste of time to speculate. Their marriage is not my business...although it is a shame ow did not take the same POV  ::)

But breaking NC was my choice so I carry responsibility for that. And a chance to learn a lesson too. And to see that I really need NC for the foreseeeable future, for my own survival actually.
You're quite right....back to complete NC for me. If I hear any more from ow, I shall just have to take my little thick file of nasty notes round to the police station.

I have planted a mixture of yellow and white tea roses in a border in the new garden, plus a white rambling rose with a yellow centre to scramble over the trellis. But at the allotment my happy bed of loved people roses range from red through pink to apricot.....seven floribunda and two climbing roses over obelisks that my father made for me many years ago. Normally my colour taste in gardens is more subtle....pink and lilac and white...but this garden seemed to shout that it wanted to be yellow and white. Daffodils are up through the lawn edge and yellow tulips should open next month. Maybe yellow just feels like a very cheerful sort of colour for a seaside garden. And my allotment is very bright coloured too.  :)
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 09:11:26 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #38 on: March 31, 2019, 11:20:25 AM »
The response was not expected, nor was it necessary from her end. It's once again something you have no control over, which for me often mmkes me feel helpless. No, helpless is not the right word. It's like some one else gets to just slime me and run away, and I'm left with slime all over me. It's an unclean feeling, exponentially horrible feeling in your case because it came out of nowhere in response to what was intended to be a kind gesture on your part.

Doing nothing feels wrong. Doing something feels wrong. Everything is off kilter. It can take days to reset after something like that, because nothing can make it right.

Inefficient. Kind of like that is how it makes me feel. Like I don't have what I need to set it straight. And it takes me a while to realize I don't have to set anything straight.  That the other persons need to slime me was all about their problems.

Someone else's unprovoked unkindness to us is always a hard thing to move through.

The second hard thing to see, is that there are people all around us who love us as much or more than family. I have friends who are more family than my family. In my case, family was happenstance.  Friends are the family I chose. 

You have all kinds of people who love and care for you, but when a person is down, they cannot see that. As long as you know it is true, I have faith you will work you way through.

Hugs!
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #39 on: March 31, 2019, 11:29:57 AM »
Gosh, OR, that was a perfect description of how it felt. I felt taken unawares and slimed. Like a hit and run.
And yes, both doing something and doing nothing don't feel right. And you are still covered in slime. No wonder I felt yukky..
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #40 on: March 31, 2019, 11:33:53 AM »
It’s just not decent and normal.  Don’t get confused.  They are not quite ‘ right.’

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #41 on: March 31, 2019, 11:36:27 AM »
Treasur, I'm sorry you were back in a very low moment but I have to say that the progress you have made on yourself is very evident, especially when you follow on your statement by saying you are not going to act on it. That is such a sign of strength, of being in control. No doubt this control you can access is thanks to your mirror work and your EMDR work.

To all of us it's very clear that you have made huge strides forward this past year. Maybe you thought you were almost 'cured' and now this text has thrown you back and makes you feel as if you'll never be cured. But that's not true. You have just learned something - NC works for you. It allows you to keep moving forward.

Love the colours of your roses. I would have been a pink, lilac, and white girl before, too, but I'm loving breaking my own rules. I find that doing things that I wouldn't have done before, even something simple like choosing red and yellow flowers, is a bit of a fu to everything and a sign of me starting a new life. Plus the bright colours really do brighten the place up!

Treasur, because of who you are, I have no doubt you will pick yourself up very quickly and will have us all addicted to your thread and wise self exploration. This is how we can get better. You are the epitome of the LBS who does her mirror work.
Big hugs to you today.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Gettingbackup

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #42 on: March 31, 2019, 12:36:15 PM »
Lovely Treasur, am catching up and so sorry to hear you're feeling down.

It's the vestiges of the blip - as OffRoad said, you've been tainted by her contact. You're shaking off the vestiges of it, and it's not as innocent as slime - her intentions were black - she meant to hurt you, and while it may not have hurt you the way she hoped it would, it would be truthful and honest to admit she did hurt you - put it out there and consider it.

And of course you were hurt.  You would have to either be inhuman, or to never have cared about your H, V1 or V2. 

I see your questioning yourself about why you broke NC - I see the courage of this question, and I think there's value in asking difficult questions.  So why do you think you broke NC?  You don't have to answer this of course but I kind of feel it's niggling you a little.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #43 on: March 31, 2019, 12:37:24 PM »
Quote
Perhaps I am at a sort of 'last big push' stage now of trying to get out and on? Rats though....whatever is going on with me it.feels like a huge step back and I hate it.

Treasur, I love reading your thread, I love how determined you are to feel right once again, I love that you were brave enough to engage in EMDR.

My only comment to you and it is something I have felt for a while is that this is going to take as long as it takes....we cannot speed how long it takes to heal..therapy helps, but it doesn't erase the memories, the emotions, the loss of something that we wanted in life.

Slow down treasur and embrace the bad times, because when you do that, you will heal small parts if that makes sense..parts that are going to pop up without "reason" and sometimes with "reason" like the text messages (YECK).

You ARE going to make it....just perhaps don't be so hard on yourself.

For me, I "allow" contact, even though at times his contact causes me pain...but less than it once did. This is only right for me...but my reasoning is that I need to be healthy and whole enough that I can have contact with him without it pushing me into the darkness again.

My husband is not remarried...so I may feel differently...your husband's "wife" sounds like she has a great deal of insecurity..but never mind that.

I hate the length of time it has taken me...I am finishing up therapy..it will be 10 years in July since BD (1 1/2 years of therapy this time)....I had "improved" and life was ok but I knew I was somewhat stuck...and when he divorced me last May, it struck me very hard and unlike at BD, I had an episode of dissociation as well as feeling of "I don't want to live"..I wasn't suicidal, I was just so tired of living like this.....

Years it took even though each year I can see that I go better, but there are still tender spots and areas that are there that I may not even be aware of ........ MLC is the "gift that keeps on giving".

Even with atomic NC, there are times when you will be shocked by something relating to him....learning to stand with both feet planted as well as that sinking feeling...my therapist and I discussed that this week...I can have both at the same time..the good thing now is I used to just experience that sinking feeling, now I can feel both feet firmly planted.

Be GENTLE with yourself treasur.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #44 on: March 31, 2019, 03:12:15 PM »
It’s just not decent and normal.  Don’t get confused.  They are not quite ‘ right.’

I can feel myself settling down now....obviously HS is very good for virtual slime cleansing  :)

And I had a thought about the karma bus.

My xh already knows for a fact that he just married someone who stole from him and lied about it for a year until she was caught out while watching him suffer the consequences. He also knows that she has elastic respect for marriage vows or commitment. I know that she was a stalker who sent me nasty anonymous notes before I even knew she existed although he refused to believe it. And her text proves that she is a rather nasty vindictive insecure woman (with poor grammar) who does not respect him as an adult man. She is just not a nice person.

The wife he left is unflinchingly honest, respected him, is not manipulative, honoured her vows and is a fair-minded and deeply kind person. I would never have written that text and could never have been so cruel or disrespectful in the wording if I did even to a stranger.

I think the karma bus may well prove to have stopped by with a delivery while he wasn't paying attention  ;)
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 03:28:26 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Music45

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #45 on: March 31, 2019, 11:14:56 PM »
I think the karma bus may well prove to have stopped by with a delivery while he wasn't paying attention

Love that, Treasur!

I thought that only someone who was very scared of you and your power would send a text like that. Someone very insecure in their relationship. When you're in a happy, stable, loving relationship, no ex can bother you if all they do is get in touch with an innocent message [I'm not talking about crazy ex's who do mad stuff].

That Karma bus is going to knock him flat one day.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #46 on: March 31, 2019, 11:47:37 PM »
Thank you all so much for turning up to give me a virtual hug.
The sun is shining this morning and I am much better.
I think I have learned that I am better at grief than at dealing with slime. ;)
That the cost of breaking NC was too high for me even if my intent was good so obviously more work on detachment and myself and my life is needed. The slime would have bothered me less if I felt better about where I am in my own life truthfully. But I am quite proud of how I responded or more accurately didn't. I have nothing to say to ow who is an uninvited stranger to me, you can't do logic or grace with nasty people and anything I would say to my xh would be either futile or fan the drama. And I have no interest in more drama or slime in my life  :)
Maybe breaking NC was a mistake. Maybe it had some effect I can't see and God knows what he's doing. Maybe God wanted me to learn something. As 1T's thread title would say "We'll see...."

Someone on DB - a really awesome guy whose wife did the most spectacular en masse WTF BD at a family dinner - talks a lot about detaching and then later detaching with love. That it is harder to do but worth it. He also has some useful things to say about beliefs, feelings and thoughts. That when we are under pressure, it is easy to have a feeling, then a thought which makes the feeling a fact and then over time becomes a belief. Bit like MLCers do. And that a good LBS recovery means accepting the feeling and letting it wash through, but digging deep to find out our own core beliefs and basing on actions and thoughts on them. Mine are Babe-ish...about Creative Optimism, Joy, Kindness and Courage, and that I am better when I do Babe-ish...even if a Babe-ish act gets me a momentary dollop of slime, I can shake it off and go back to Babe as my default. The slimy people can't do that.

I think detachment often requires us to accept some rather shocking new facts and often we detach then by not loving bc it is too painful. We pray for indifference, I susoect, with a stop off at 'how dare you'. And let's face it, most of our spouses provide plenty of ammo for anger  ;). Detached love is not about denial or being a sap but about thinking of the person you used to love as a terribly flawed human being but still human while not picking up their mess.

For a while I think the pendulum swings and all we can see is a monster. 1t amongst others posting here has always somehow managed to keep returning to seeing her h as a human and that is a rather admirable thing, perhaps why so many of us are cheering her on.  I wonder if that Is bc she has experience of a h in addiction in the past and see similarities? Idk. Most of our spouses have lost a lot through their choices, even if they don't see it yet or never see it actually. That is no less true for my xh and probably as true for yours. We lose things too, that's true, but bc we didn't destroy them we can almost always rebuild the most important heart of them. Just takes time to figure out how to do that.

Someone else on DB musing about her h, as the lies unfold one after the other to the point actually where she no longer wants to even bother unpicking them, reflects on how difficult it must be to ever lead an authentic life again. That you run from those who love you bc you do not want to face the lies you've told. To do that you have to make up a whole new set of lies to justify it. Which means that you have to lie at least a little to everyone you meet about almost everything. And you can't talk to anyone from your old life without lying or fearing they will call it BS or ask you difficult questions. All the new people have to be fed the same lies so you have to remember them and keep adding to them. And she ponders how hard it would be to live like that, in a constant minefield of your own lies, bc a bit of you will know you are lying. How very hard it would be to build a new honest, authentic life and how most humans would suffer from not having that over time. How incredibly stained your life would become by lies. There is something in that I think. Any awakening that is seen is probably when someone sees the lies and is almost frozen by what on earth they can do to change any of it. I can't imagine how horrific that would feel...and I am a woman who has looked into some horrific abysses in the last couple of years lol.

Which is why it is so important for us LBS to be as honest with ourselves as we pick through the rubble and to not let what is rewrite the value of what was or our losses overpower our view of what we still have.
And why all the good LBS life skills are about not being driven by temporary feelings or self-destructive thoughts like I was this last couple of days.
My marriage is long gone as is my family, but it hurt bc they were good things I treasured and couldn't keep.
Life after is not easy and I am lonely...but I am also a good person who can do good love (and who does not do slime lol) and just bc it is how it is today does not mean it will always be this way if I keep putting in the effort and planting metaphorical roses.

And the encouraging big message for those behind me is even if we still have a massive blip like I did, we get up much much quicker over time
 :)

Back to a NC life. I have tended to do it in chunks say 6 months then review. I have photos that I think belong to him really. Can't ask him if he wants them of course lol. I will do NC until Sept and review what I want to do with the box of photos then. They are nice...not many of me but lots of our old house, cats, holidays, his grandmother etc...and some of him, gosh even recently pre BD, he looks like a different kind of man altogether, relaxed and happy with smiley eyes...and it was 20 years of his own life after all. If I do send them, I guess he'll have to hide them from ow if he wants to keep them lol...I can imagine her spitting feathers and wanting a big bonfire! Hey ho, not my problem or decision to make on his behalf. I have kept some of mine bc it was my life and my family too.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2019, 01:27:44 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #47 on: April 01, 2019, 01:56:03 AM »
So after my first instinct to defend and protect got through screaming in my head ''give me her number so I can sign her up for every spam caller out there, then subscribe her to a hoe quote of the day service...''

I came to a more mature and relevant LBS response.  8)

As I was reading along and calling pointed out this a danger of going no contact, and you were reflecting on it....

It has obviously knocked you back drastically, though you are getting up and going like a champ. But the flip side here...is maybe YOU WERE supposed to do it. Now..hear me out. Your gut instinct or God or the vanilla wafer with morning coffee told you to send it. You reflected on it. You made your words polite, but with no expectation of getting a response. You were sending out forgiveness, and a kind of acceptance of his decision, and a bit of a ''I acknowledge you for what you were'' type deal.

Now this is all purely speculative but perhaps this small little thing, that makes OW go absolutely bat snot bonkers is exactly the type of thing that starts to shake the fog up in the MLCer. Because I guarantee you they fought for days about these texts. He has looked at them and thought ''what's the big deal'' she has lost her $h!te and punished him or silent treated him or sought reassurance....and even in a thick MLC fog as dense as butter...these kinds of things will start to not add up in his mind.

Is that important to you right now? Probably not.

I think sometimes we don't know why these little things are important at the time. We get an urge, we do it, and then worry about it. We ask ourselves ''Why did I just poke myself in the eye? I knew it was going to hurt!'' but perhaps you needed to take a poke in the eye, so that he could open his.

Just a thought.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #48 on: April 01, 2019, 02:55:30 AM »
Treasur, I was out for some wind Therapie on friday and i had to stop at a rail crossing (not far from where XW lived after she left). I thought about the time 2 years ago when I was sat there on my bike at 2am (drunk on Whiskey  :-[) contemplating riding infront of the next Train.
Visions of my Boys reaction stopped me, I carefully rode home and lived to tell the tale. That was probably my rock bottom, it was quite an evil place where my head wandered.

I can laugh about it now but imagine everything that i would have missed, all the People I would have damaged for life along with XW and OM celebrating (she would have got ALL the winnings from the house)........ ok, she probably wouldnt have celebrated but you get what I mean.

These dark times ALWAYS pass, ALWAYS! Hang in there Treasur, I just wish that some great guy would just sweep you off your feet. You deserve to be loved.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #49 on: April 01, 2019, 03:55:15 AM »
Thanks, Morte....yup, 500 LBS points every time we step away from the sandpit of slimy folks and don't retaliate at all. Tbh I suspect being ignored would irritate them much more  :) but yes, you may be right, who knows? Butterfly's wings principle of life I suppose. All I can stand by is that my intent was a gracious one and it was about honouring him with no expectation at all. And I didn't do it unthinkingly and my inner voice was very loud even if I wasn't sure why. It was an act of faith in the universe of good things maybe. What anyone else does with that is not my responsibility is it?

And yes, whyus, I think a lot of LBS have had those dark moments. Even those with kids. When the pain is too much and we can't see the light at all. Imho it is healthy to be able to talk honestly about it. Louis the cat strangely kept me from doing it before bc he had no one else and finding a new home for an elderly diabetic cat was impossible. Oh, and not wanting people I knew to have to have the experience of finding my body. But without a family or kids, it was harder to step away from the edge truthfully....and yet I am glad I did. The world has more yellow roses now bc I did!

Your post made me think about dreams. As in desires as opposed to while you are sleeping. Here are mine:
I want to write a book before I die, at least one.
I want to run a coaching business that really helps grown ups craft better joyful purposeful lives
I want to feel loved and love and be part of something that feels like a family again, even if it is different than the one I had.
I want to leave a legacy of beautiful roses
I would like to see my h's face with eyes that look like him again once before I die.

Can't do much about the last one, but I can rebuild a life on the first four!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #50 on: April 01, 2019, 04:39:08 AM »
Your post made me think about dreams. As in desires as opposed to while you are sleeping. Here are mine:
I want to write a book before I die, at least one.
I want to run a coaching business that really helps grown ups craft better joyful purposeful lives
I want to feel loved and love and be part of something that feels like a family again, even if it is different than the one I had.
I want to leave a legacy of beautiful roses
I would like to see my h's face with eyes that look like him again once before I die.

Can't do much about the last one, but I can rebuild a life on the first four!
Wonderful dreams Treasur!! I do hope you get the 5 of them granted  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #51 on: April 01, 2019, 04:50:33 AM »
I'll settle for 4/5, oneday and see the 5th as a bonus  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Believer

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #52 on: April 01, 2019, 05:02:41 AM »
Treasur,

Thank you for your last post. It was lovely and reflective - I’m pleased to experience how you work through things. You truly are doing an amazing job!

I like that you are setting blocks of NC out. It’s a great way to see how things feel. You can then decide what you want to do after each period.

I love your dream list, including your last dream.
Your heart and actions are truly genuine in all you do.

Hugs, Believer

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2019, 05:44:46 AM »
Dear Treasur,  I am agreeing with Mortes. He probably got emotional and  invader ow saw it - got very angry and demanded your number and sent you that text. I think it was a very good thing that you listened to your gut and broke your nc this time.
Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Whyus

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #54 on: April 01, 2019, 05:49:04 AM »
I'll settle for 4/5, oneday and see the 5th as a bonus  :)
This  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #55 on: April 01, 2019, 08:12:02 AM »
Proud to announce I have found the antidote to slime, currently not (c)  :)

It is trusting your own truth, a dollop of love and a little bit of sunshine.
I am just finishing packing the remaining old wedding photos away. And oh my word, the joy and love in them. Not just us but in every face, like it was infectious.
My h and me were together for six years before we got married. It was more important to him than me...until i actually walked in and saw his face and then it became the most important promise of my life.
And I can remember the love. My h was not perfect; neither am I. But I honestly thought he was just a fantastic bit of God's creation. Being with him was a delight; it made me grin. His face was my favourite face on the planet. A room was better when he walked in. He never bored me. I liked his voice, his thoughts, his laugh and his spirit. And I know without any doubt at all that he felt exactly the same. We truly thought we were a lucky accident. He was home to me and I to him. I feel incredibly lucky to have had years and years of that kind of shared delight with another human being. I have no idea how it came about really or even what I did as my part of it. It just was. Loving him and being loved by him was absolutely Babe-ish for me. All sounds pretty sappy, I know, but I think it was a rare gift to experience that for so long. No wonder it was so painful to lose and why bc I remember it I think he was incredibly foolish to let it go. Was it like that every hour of every day? No...but truthfully it was a lot of the time. We just really enjoyed each other. For years until 2015 when my h broke and got lost. No healthy human could not regret losing that kind of deep connection and I'm sure in years to come he will. I have learned to live without it and him, quite proud of that actually, but I may always miss having him in my life.

I susoect part of my sending him a birthday wish really was bc I am still profoundly pleased that he is on the planet even if he is not at my table and less than he was before.

And all that love, all that shared joy, all those blessings? He may have put them down and walked away but I carry them with me. And it is really nice to be able to see my truth without pain now. And above all, that kind of delight and deep appreciation with another human is like sunshine on mould. Slime can't exist in the same place.  ;)

There you go, a lesson in how Babe-ish works lol.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2019, 08:32:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #56 on: April 01, 2019, 08:43:41 AM »
Well, that was a massive bounce back, wasn't it??  :)

Your words really touched my heart and brought some lovely memories of the love I also shared with my own H.. Off course he loved you and was the happiest man alive the day he married you... And yes, you get to keep all those memories alive, even if he's choosing to ignore them for now.. They are all true and I'm glad you can see that now clearly..

You have such a way with words.. They help us getting to know you better but also make us reflect in our own lives.. You have such a gift! ❤️
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #57 on: April 01, 2019, 11:24:34 AM »
I have learned to live without it and him, quite proud of that actually, but I may always miss having him in my life.


I think this is where I am presently. Well, just getting there maybe.

Isn't just amazing how completely they throw away their lives and move onto another? I think that is how I get to be more at peace about it b/c I know it isn't right. It isn't the person I married. And someday, he will realize what he's done. But, at our current trajectory, we will be healed sooner rather than later. I always love your musings Treasur. You have a way of really honing in on the reality of our circumstances while not sugar-coating. And never any pity parties out of you! 

Also, I like your list of dreams. I think you are already an excellent life coach.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #58 on: April 01, 2019, 12:06:13 PM »
Thank you, dear Kit. And sorry to challenge you, my friend, but I have had a ton of pity parties lol...printed balloons and cake and everything  :'(....but fortunately my worst ones were before I came here so you have all been saved from watching with horror  ;)

And thank you too for the compliment. I've been a coach for over 15 years or so. I am a much better one now with a bit of battering and pruning I susoect. Well, I hope so.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #59 on: April 01, 2019, 12:20:45 PM »
I love that! slime can only grow where the sun doesn’t shine on it. 

Oh, it’s so important that we let our own lights shine!  I was at a karate work shop this past weekend and the reminder to “keep being a light in the world” was the final message from our grand master. The world is a big place and needs light!  I had to wipe a tear from my face because I’ve had a dim light.  It’s been muted and diffused and I know it’s really time to shine again. I’ve got to work on me and getting that light back.  There’s roses to be planted, trips to be taken, projects to succeed at, friends and family to love, etc.

This reminds me of part of the scripture Song of Solomon 2: Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For, lo, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds has come....
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Pfffffffftttt !

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #60 on: April 03, 2019, 04:09:26 AM »
Oh, Calling, that was a lovely reminder. Yes, I think all recovering LBS are plodding, sometimes running lol, to a 'time of the singing of birds'. We just need to keep faith that it will come. And it will.

I think my contribution now is not about MLC but about one example of LBS recovery. As a newbie, we hunt for reconciliation threads to give us hope, and I hope that my witterings are a different kind of hope. I know that I found that even more useful actually when I read old threads bc I couldn't do anything about my then h's crisis and lost hope for us, but needed to find hope for me.

My recent blip was a bit grim and unwelcome. But here is the good bit. It took me a few days, not weeks or months, to get up from it. That's an important bit of comfort for anyone following behind me. And what I have also learned from EMDR and from my own LBS path is that the blips and dips also often become useful last bits of unresolved business, like a magician's flourish in removing a cloth covering a hidden trick.

A few life events and this post from Believer on the Old Timers thread (brought over here) gave me an ah-ha moment. (And Believer's old thread has one of the best descriptions of that preBD sense of unravelling that I've read on HS, well worth a read when you need to confirm your own sanity about it!)

Believer who is several years down the line posted:

I’m not sure how great my advice is as I was certainly a slower learner in all of this.
I honestly believed for the longest time I could help my H through this. I did everything an LBS shouldn’t have I begged, pleaded, wrapped myself into a pretzel. I blamed myself for the failure you name it I did it ... except ever speak to or acknowledge the OW. Whew proud of myself for that the other stuff not so much...
My H is a very stubborn, silent man. I was reading Barbie’s article about stonewalling - that’s my H as well.
It wasn’t until he finally divorced me in 2017 that I started to deeply and truly figure out me. Sure I had great periods of feeling pulled together but inside I was still struggling to “get it”. Once he had divorced me, lost my job just a few years from full pension retirement, and lost my home.... I hit my own kind of rock bottom - tired and exhausted of trying to talk logic into an illogical man. I was a complete mess.
Lots of therapy, quiet and self reflection time later I’m better. I still have tears, miss my H dearly and yep even hope the karma bus shows up. However I know that I’m certainly stronger than I was, and can even say I’m content on my own.
My H doesn’t appear to have grown much atleast on the outside. He’s still running and perhaps always will who knows.
I’m sad for him, myself and our D25 because we once had a wonderful family and life.

However,  if I can share anything it’s the following :

Yes, this is a script - Listen to those who have gone through it before you. You can’t speed it up, but I feel you can slow their progress. An LBS doesn’t have any influence over them regardless of how long you were married or how wonderful it was before.

It’s not about you - this is 100% about them and their issues. Sure there are your own opportunities for self improvement but they didn’t cause this or your marriage to disintegrate.

Get out of the way
- they wreck havoc !! My H is the complete opposite now. He’s done things I never could have imagined :-\.

Protect yourself financially and emotionally
Don’t let your guard down on this. My H was very good supporting us but heck did his entitlement ever surface at the time of the divorce...a time that I was pretty low and he adamantly expressed he “was going to get the best deal possible for him”

It’s a long ride !!!
....and it’s okay to change your mind perhaps even many times about what you want along the way.

Treat yourself with much kindness and love
I can’t stress this enough. I was too worried about helping, worrying and thinking about H that I caused my own “rock bottom”. Build your own life and love what you allow in it!

You will lose family and friends. However the ones that remain are “keepers ♥️“
Some of my friends feel I’m crazy to even think kindly of my H. His family although don’t agree with what he’s done, they also don’t have the courage to hold him accountable. Heck his brother still lets him live at his home and it’s been 10 years...but you can bet his brother grumbles about the fact that he’s there....family issues are a significant contributor to my h not really feeling the consequences. H’s mother is not at all pleased with what he’s done but to this day has never said anything to him for fear he’d stop talking to her. Clearly FOO issues here.

Definitely LBS 101 in a nutshell.

It was understandable that the nasty text created a blip for me. And a yuk feeling of being slimed. Everyone who read it felt the nastiness of it and why I felt invaded and what it suggested about other people. Imho speculating about who and why and whatnot was not the issue for me.
It bothered me bc the text essentially said go away, you are worthless, everything you feel, think and say is worthless, your life is and was worthless and you are an irritating pathetic irrelevance. And that disturbed me at a deep level bc it was an echo of how my h behaved and what his silence and vanishing communicated.
Which brought me to two ah-has on my beachbwalk think-y in the rain this morning.

The first is that I am not yet proud of what I have rebuilt or of who I am now. I'm lightly proud of having survived and done so with my soul and values and sanity intact (mostly) but survival isn't worth throwing a party for to me. The inherent disrespect in the text stung bc a bit of me feels a bit pathetic and not yet standing on my own heights if that makes sense. It isn't about anyone else that feeling, just about me. And I would not have felt that way in my old life. Tbh I was probably a bit too arrogant in my old life lol, but my own sense of pride and self-respect made it easy to shrug off disrespect as a kind of 'meh, not my problem' feeling. So that is a useful sign of work still to be done.

The second...which is maybe even more important...was prompted by Believer's post. The point of 'it's not about you'. Made me realise that this has two parts to it which I had not really seen before.

I was always pretty good at knowing it wasn't my fault. And it was blindingly obvious that nothing I said or did made any difference so it was obvious too that I couldn't fix it. So I got the bit of 'not about you' which covered my responsibility. But what I have just realised is that the other half of that is about the personal rejection and being judged and devalued in such an extreme way.. The bewildering bit I could not shake off was how cruel my h was and how little value he placed on me as a person after so many years. And that felt personal as hell even if I didn't agree with it. So, tbh, that DID feel that it was 'about me'; not bc of me, not deserved, but definitely about me as a human being.

Looking back, the thing I have kept chewing on, over and over, is the inexplicable and devastating cruelty of being treated as someone of absolutely no voice or value at all. None. And I didn't imagine it; that was how he behaved. I don't know what he felt, but that WAS how he behaved, over and over again. As if I was nothing and my family and every moment of our life and everything we had shared and built in 20 years was nothing. All completely a worthless irritating irrelevance. Just like the text said. My head didn't believe it but I experienced it relentlessly for well over 2 years. And looking back what let that worm into me so much was that it happened when I was the most vulnerable and weak I have ever been. I was financially vulnerable bc I had stepped back from work to care for my family. I was emotionally vulnerable bc I had just lost both of my parents in different ways. I had a serious life-threatening illness that made me physically vulnerable.

So, I could rise above the helplessness of something I couldn't fix bc I didn't cause it, but the cruelty when I was so vulnerable DID feel like it was about me if not bc of me if that makes sense. I couldn't comprehend it from someone who had loved me, even if they no longer did, and it was profoundly damaging to me.

Moving forward and my recovery leaves that as the last big bit of damage to shake off imho. The only way I can see to do it is in how I rebuild my sense of self-respect and a life I can feel proud about again. I would like to reach a point where I can feel, as well as know intellectually, that my h's behaviour and feelings were not about me but entirely about him and what I represented. I wonder actually if that is why we long for the karma bus and if it ceases to matter when we feel better about our new life.

I am not there yet but seeing it is hopefully an important step in my progress. I suspect it also will need a last bit of letting go of the love I had for the person I knew too. I have never entirely been able to shake all of that off either. I may never do so completely but I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder at a ghost either. My xh is a stranger who sees me and my life as irrelevant; as far as I can see, that is probably true for him. Just like the text said. But just bc it is true for him, or anyone else, does not make it true for me. His valuation of HIS life is 'not about you', or in this case me, either.

Stayed posted once that these were good people who loved and valued us before their crisis. That's true and part of why MLC is such a mindf**k. I don't doubt that at all about my then h. Unlike others though, I couldn't keep believing that my 'real' h was still in there somewhere, or that some hidden bit of him still valued me or that at some point the mist would clear and he would do so again. I could see it as being possible for others but I stopped believing it about my h after about 18 months. And that was a game changer for me. I could be wrong, of course, and if I am that will be just one more sad bit of residue I can do nothing about it. But right now, it seems logical to me based on my own situation to assume that my xh will never feel or act in a ways that acknowledges any value in me or in that bit of his life or in our relationship. And tbh that is probably a bigger long-term loss for him than for me.

But my recovery needs me to know in my bones that the opinion of MLC xh was never, ever about me or the value of my life...and it will be much easier to honestly feel that when I am proud of my new life and have NC with anyone who sees it as less. It is easier to feel valuable when you feel valued by yourself and others, to laugh at other people's disrespect when you feel proud of yourself.

As always, I hope my wordy translation of beach walk thinkies are helpful for someone else too  :)
« Last Edit: April 03, 2019, 04:23:49 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ShadesofGrey

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #61 on: April 03, 2019, 04:55:28 AM »
Dearest Treasur,
As I mentioned to you in a private message several weeks ago, I've been off this forum for a few years. I was only drawn to return as my date with EMDR therapy draws near. I wanted to dig back into my remaining pain...dig the roots of it out...and I felt a return to this forum might be helpful. Not only to tap into my own history, but to feel the love and support of this community that was my lifeline in the months after BD.

I was lucky enough to stumble onto your thread, and your mention of EMDR. I actually felt it was more than luck, felt that my intuition, a reliable guidance system pre-BD, had come back online by bringing me to your posts.

I returned to the forum again today to find your morning walk-y musings, and almost everything you wrote echoes my experience and recent epiphanies, just of the past few days.

For example, only last night, the woman I'm renting an AirBnb room from told me that I should be so incredibly proud of the life I've created post divorce. She went on and on about what I've achieved etc, and I nodded and smiled, but felt absolutely flatlined inside, because I've actually done very little other than travel, survive and get in great shape. Yes, I've started a business, but not full-force, not like I would have done in my old life. I'm now a self-indulgent, lazy, aimless human, which is the opposite of who I was, and who I am at my best. THAT woman, the old me, I could perhaps be proud of, but the me I am now....not so much.

Just hours ago I left my besties voice messages explaining that I'd realized that the deepest part of my wound came from being absolutely vulnerable to my husband, as exposed as a human could get, and being rejected. My message went something like this, "I know people say 'his rejection wasn't about you...it was about him'....but in fact, it WAS about me. I am the one he saw from every angle, and the one he rejected." And just like you, when I was married and at the top of my game, I was rather impervious to criticism of others. You call it a touch of arrogance; I refer to mine as hubris. I believed I was a valuable woman, and yet, when my ex left me, and voiced his view of my worthlessness, I fell into a gaping hollowness inside where no value lies. It doesn't mean I'm absolutely value-less, it just means I'm not as valuable as I believed.

Like you, I think that building a life I can be proud of will heal these emotional wounds. One difference in our circumstances is that I've gotten nicer messages from my ex than you have...messages where he now says I was a valuable partner and that I brought a lot of good to his life...and you know what? His 'nice words' have zero impact. I don't feel relieved or elevated or any more valuable/worthy than I did before I got those messages. Because, I guess, it really isn't about what he thinks of me. It's what I think. I believed I was valuable in the marriage, in that life structure, and then when that marriage and structure fell away I saw I wasn't that valuable after all. He's not the one that usurped my value, the changing circumstances, and my reactions and view of myself, did that. But the good news is, if the valuelessness emanates from me, and my behavior, I have all the power to create value once again, as do you.

For me, community, connection and doing meaningful work seems the right way to go to build my sense of personal esteem. Yet I frequently make choices to isolate myself. Perhaps EMDR will help me change my patterns of isolation--I think it's an anxiety issue combined with my introverted nature.

I will launch into a 10-day intensive EMDR 'program' (for lack of a better word...I'm not sure what to call it) starting 10 days from today. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you for your musings and your self excavation. Finding a kindred spirit (and I've found many on this forum over time) lights the path.
M-47
H-45
M, 16 years
T, 21 years
No kids
BD: 8-30-14
OW discovered 8-30-14
I left 9-4-14

"He who binds to himself a joy, doeth the winged life destroy. He who kisses the joy as it flies, lives in eternity's sunrise"--William Blake

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #62 on: April 03, 2019, 05:21:25 AM »
Treasur, listening to your rainy walk by the sea musings and as always finding them very helpful.

ShadesofGrey, nice to see you posting here and sharing your experience. A lot of what you said resonated with me.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #63 on: April 03, 2019, 05:37:22 AM »
Treasur... As usual your musings really made me think...

Quote
But my recovery needs me to know in my bones that the opinion of MLC xh was never, ever about me or the value of my life...and it will be much easier to honestly feel that when I am proud of my new life and have NC with anyone who sees it as less. It is easier to feel valuable when you feel valued by yourself and others, to laugh at other people's disrespect when you feel proud of yourself.
This is particular is what I struggle the most.. Specially when my own family seems to see my new life as a "failure" because I'm on my own.. They don't think H walking was my fault but they think "less" of my life because I'm alone. And this is obviously affecting my ability to see anything positive in my life because having a partner seems to be all that matters.. It's hurtful to say the least and I need to find a way to get over that.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Acorn

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #64 on: April 03, 2019, 05:39:19 AM »
If I were to pick one of the cornerstone of LBS’s healing, the following statement would be it.

Quote
But my recovery needs me to know in my bones that the opinion of MLC xh was never, ever about me or the value of my life   
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Believer

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #65 on: April 03, 2019, 05:50:14 AM »
Treasur,

I’m glad you found my post helpful  :)
I appreciate your beach thoughts very much. I find that your words are filling in the blanks for things I’m still working through.

I truly believe we come out much more beautiful then when we first went in.

I love that you are by the water. It’s been my dream, back a few years ago I was looking to purchase a bed and breakfast in PEI just so I could be by the water and “thinky”.

Hugs, Believer

Offline Nas

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #66 on: April 03, 2019, 07:14:36 AM »
Treasur,  I've heard you mention a few times over your time on the forum that you felt you were maybe a bit too arrogant in your old life.
It always strikes me because "arrogant" is a word I've used to describe my pre-BD self too.
But after much thought and discussion with my therapist and others, I don't think I was arrogant and suspect you were not either.
We felt safe.  We were secure in ourselves and our marriages.  We were CONFIDENT that we were loved.  We felt sure in our relationships, that we had the kind of friendship with our spouses that made it so that even if times got tough, we could get through it.  We never considered that they would one day just change.

After BD I called myself arrogant a lot - who was I to think my H would never leave me?  Who was I to think I was loved enough that he would talk to me about things before just up and ending things?

But that's not arrogance.  That's just expecting that the person we married would treat us with respect and dignity.  We had no way of knowing they wouldn't. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #67 on: April 03, 2019, 09:30:37 AM »
Stayed posted once that these were good people who loved and valued us before their crisis. That's true and part of why MLC is such a mindf**k. I don't doubt that at all about my then h.

Stayed is right.

Unlike others though, I couldn't keep believing that my 'real' h was still in there somewhere, or that some hidden bit of him still valued me or that at some point the mist would clear and he would do so again.

I don't have a clue if the real Mr J is there or not. At this point, it makes little difference.

But my recovery needs me to know in my bones that the opinion of MLC xh was never, ever about me or the value of my life...

It has.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #68 on: April 04, 2019, 04:05:32 AM »
Hear what you all say about arrogant vs hubris vs appropriate confidence.
All good well-made points.

With the big caveat that I really am just talking about me and my life, I guess I see it as a mixture.
Until I was 52 - and how lucky is that - I had no experience at all of being profoundly hurt by people who had loved me, never been abused, never felt paralysed by fear, never experienced profound grief, never lost anything I couldn't live without, never felt broken or as if the world simply made no sense at all.

And then I got it all in one big dollop. And simultaneously lost all my important support systems. Bang.

Was I justifiably confident about a bunch of things? Yes, bc I had years of experience that reinforced it. But when other factors changed, I could no longer be reasonably confident of those things and it took me the longest time to adapt to that.
Was I arrogant? Yes, bc I believed I had rather more control of my bit of the universe than I actually had and that was based on some beliefs that turned out not to hold rough water. Both about me and others and well just life I suppose.
Was it hubris? In the sense of a kind of naïveté? Yes. There were things I did not know bc I had no experience of them. And I built my world without having contingency plans for them. Which I think we all do a bit bc it is too hard to live without assumptions. I took pride in things that were blessings rather than creations I owned and let things waft past me without pausing to fully appreciate them. I was completely niave about my resilience and mental health and love and marriage....long list actually, although I do miss the innoncence of being able to believe in some of those things in the way I did.

This kind of life-shattering experience is very humbling imho. It forces you to push your nose right into the dark scary crappy bits of life and yourself. And also strangely to feel deep gratitude for the small bits of joy and human goodness. I can never be the same again. I regret that a bit but I also see the honesty in it and that it has made me a nicer kinder less arrogant human  :) Hopefully...

I think as EMDR has released me from the grip of PTSD, it is natural to start figuring out what I believe and value now which is different. A post-trauma me. There are some core bits left but also a lot of ways in which I simply can't believe - unless I was remarkably dull- witted - some of the same things about myself, life or other people. Not good or bad, just different.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2019, 04:07:04 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #69 on: April 04, 2019, 05:23:26 AM »
After being offline for a weekend, it has taken me until today to catch up with your thread...

I had a variety of reactions as I plowed through 7 pages, one of which  was that, feeling like you were at fault for being down and having a hard time is akin to feeling at fault for feeling pain because you broke your leg skiing...

The other thought was that, you know, there have been some pretty decent and famous people that have gotten slimed...


For what it's worth, I have 6 Rose Bushes in my garden: red, pink, orange, yellow, a pink-orange mix, and white...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #70 on: April 04, 2019, 05:40:09 AM »
Ah but I didn't volunteer, um, and as far as I know there was no donation to a charity lol  ;) (oh my, can you imagine an ow charity  :o ??)

Fair point about self blame for hurting....just don't want to go back to that victim place I suppose where I blame others...we all do it though, don't we? (Well MLCers not so much maybe). But I got slimed, it threw me down for a few days and now I'm back up on my feet again. And if you get slimed you can wash it off...but not so much if you are a slimy person right?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #71 on: April 04, 2019, 05:43:58 AM »
Ah but I didn't volunteer, um, and as far as I know there was no donation to a charity lol  ;)
Fair point about self blame for hurting....just don't want to go back to that victim place I suppose where I blame others...we all do it though, don't we? (Well MLCers not so much maybe). But I got slimed, it threw me down for a few days and now I'm back up on my feet again. And if you get slimed you can wash it off...but not so much if you are a slimy person right?

I don't think Demi got slimed for charity - she won it fair and square...  <snort> but I don't know how the Kid's Choice Awards work exactly....

And yes, there is a HUGE difference between being slime and being slimeD  Like what I said on someone else's thread - Beauty is skin deep but Bat-Snot crazy goes to the bone.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #72 on: April 04, 2019, 06:02:31 AM »
The good thing about seeing slime is that you realise - as the infamous saying goes lol - that it is absolutely not about you. That text was uninvited, unnecessary and disproportionate....and actually just plain unpleasant as we could all see. Could have kicked off a whole lot of drama actually if I had allowed that including quite serious consequences for both of them given past events. But my yuk feeling was bigger, much bigger, than my anger or indignation fortunately for me. None of us who have experienced MLC insanity want more drama do we?

Much easier to see that it has nothing at all to do with who you are and everything to do with who the slimer is....as I said, my xh has chosen very poorly indeed and I'm sure the karma bus will be stopping off regularly for anyone who shares their life with this kind of person.  ;)
« Last Edit: April 04, 2019, 06:04:32 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #73 on: April 04, 2019, 06:50:14 AM »
as I said, my xh has chosen very poorly indeed and I'm sure the karma bus will be stopping off regularly for anyone who shares their life with this kind of person.  ;)

With any luck, it will look like this <snort>:
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Music45

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #74 on: April 04, 2019, 10:32:32 AM »
I'm sure the karma bus will be stopping off regularly for anyone who shares their life with this kind of person

Agree 100%. That text showed the type of person who sent it. They're not just saving their craziness for you. Imagine living with someone like that. Actually don't waste your time (but you know what I mean)
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #75 on: April 04, 2019, 10:34:29 AM »
Disproportionate indeed! I still am smh over that ridiculous text. I mean, wow Treasur, you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally stirred up a hornet's nest with one tiny innocuous communication. Someone is clearly on edge. Can you imagine being that insecure in your relationship as a newlywed? What a horrific existence.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #76 on: April 04, 2019, 10:53:09 AM »
Sometimes these things serve to remind us of what is normal and good, and what is not.
Bear in mind I have never once contacted ow, met her, said anything on social media even indirectly, stalked her or even said anything horrible about her to my then h once I knew she existed (of course it helped that right up to the wire he refused to admit her significance or even use her name   :P)  I just ignored her other than in legal stuff linked to the threats and her theft of the watch....to be fair, that probably really annoyed her lol but that wasn't why I did it. It was heartbreaking to realise what my h had done but I never believed she was the 'problem'. Well, she may be a 'problem' for him I suppose bc she obviously just isn't a very nice person.  :)

None of these relationships are good in a normal way are they? Particularly when the players have apparently found their perfect 'happy'. Yes, I remember what the first couple of years of our marriage was like. We were very happy and felt very secure with each other, excited about our new married life plans actually. Our life was too nice to have hatred and drama in it.

T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Thunder

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #77 on: April 04, 2019, 11:35:29 AM »
Treasur,

You have to ask why the ow was so hateful towards you?  I mean I understand them being jealous or afraid of the spouse, or just a puky person, but why the threats?  You never contacted her, or talked to her so why the spitefulness and rage/hate what ever you want to call it?

It just makes no sense to me, unless he made her fear he wasn't as committed as she wanted.
She sure couldn't have felt secure.

Sorry I know this is a ow free zone, but I was just thinking about her mean message and wondered why?
It doesn't matter I guess.   ::)  Maybe she's just plain crazy.

Ok back to what is normal and good.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #78 on: April 05, 2019, 12:03:23 AM »
I think when things make no sense, Thunder, the reasons are pretty simple. One is missing relevant information. Or invisible inaccessible things about the other person's head and character. Both are probably true here. Being as objective as I can be, I can only see three things. Ow sees contact from me as a threat to control. She is an immature insecure unpleasant person bc of the words she used. She feels she has the right to control who her h communicates with and my xh has allowed her that right.  From my perspective, that says nothing good about her, him or the nature of their relationship. But it isn't my relationship and it says nothing about me as a person so nothing useful to me in exploring it really. Other than understanding why it distressed me so much and getting back up from it.

A lovely vet pm'ed me bc they could see from my witterings that one of the sticking blocks for me was this feeling that my h/xh hates me. (I think we can all shrug, agree and understand why ow does  ::) ). It was such a lovely and clear message from this wise LBS. That, put simply, my xh does not hate me bc I have done nothing to warrant being hated, that I am a fine rather lovely human who is not worthy of anyone's hatred. (Unless I have kept some horrid things I have done secret lol)  That it is obvious from the outside my h had/has mental health issues. That any hate in the mix is his projection about himself or what I represent about himself. So any hate he feels is not for me, but for him. I'm not expressing it as well as the vet did but the PM made me cry like a baby. Somehow this vet knew how to say something that I really needed to hear and it really helped me. In fact I have printed the PM and tucked it in the drawer of my bedside table for when I need to remind myself.

Being as honest with myself as I can be, I have accepted and let go of a lot of things I was chasing or trying to hold on to. I completely accept that my relationship with my former h is done. Whatever it was that happened to him changed him into someone unreachable and unrecognisable who simply wanted me to no longer exist in his life. There is nothing left to stand for or hope for. And it was brutally done when I was profoundly vulnerable. And it is simply beyond my reach to comprehend why any human would do that with no shred of kindness or grace to another human they had shared their life with for 20 years. And truthfully my h said virtually nothing about me or our relationship or life, good or bad, which is part of the particular challenge of a mostly vanisher. There is no easy way to make sense of it yet you kind of have to somehow, unaided by the person who knows why and what, in order to recover and return to a more normal life when 1+1=2 as opposed to 1+1=Green  ;)

As I move forward, I have become quite good at acceptance and quite good at no longer expecting answers or grace or closure from my former h. He hasn't provided those things bc he doesn't want to for whatever reason. I look at my situation with a little more objectivity now and it is still remarkable to me how much a shred of kindness from my xh would have helped me without preventing him leaving for his new life. And the inability or unwillingness to offer even a tiny bit of humanity to another person in these circumstances says a great deal about who he is now and his emotional health while saying nothing at all about my worth. In fact, it is extraordinary how much kindness and grace I have shown towards him in the circumstances which does say quite a lot about me. So, a free pat on the back for being a decent human for me I think  :) But I also recognise it as a self-centred choice by me. I simply did not want to let this experience rewrite who I am that much. That would have been too big a loss to carry, so I did it for me not for him if that makes sense?

So, no standing, no hanging on, no expectation of any shared resolution, no future relationship of any kind, no need to see what happens to his life, no wish to know if he is happier or healthier or not. Not an easy place to reach for me but a necessary one. What happened, happened. I don't know why but there was little I could do about it. I loved and valued my beloved about as much as anyone could expect to be loved by another human, with all his imperfections and mine, and if that was not enough for him or worthy of his respect, so be it. I could not have loved him better or more than I did.

Recovering is about cleaning up the mess of it all after the storm imho. Practical mess but also mental and emotional mess. At this point, and EMDR has helped me tremendously, accepting matters more than anything else. Which is healthy bc no one can live in the past. But there are some bits of the residue that I am still trying to clean up.

My beach walk think-y this morning - and it was a very pretty sunrise here this morning, looks like it will be a nice sunny day again - is about wanting to wash out a stain that bothers me. (Not sure if I need to take this back to my EMDR next session, maybe.) My head and my heart says that my h did not fake those 20 years, that I did not imagine who he was or our relationship or what I meant to him. All of those things help me to in a sense see him as metaphorically dead and I can live with that now. I still sometimes miss my h but there is no place at my table for the rather unpleasant stranger he has become and that's ok for me now.

But bc of how he behaved, there is a stain on those years of my life anyway. And it triggers me but in a different way. I see a tv programme set in a part of London where we used to live or I go to a place where I remember laughing together or hear a piece of music that recalls a particular evening....you all know the drill. Not a big anxiety or sobbing kind of trigger, more like an itch I suppose, an uncomfortable niggle at the back of my brain.  I would like to keep those memories, not focusing on them just when they pop up, and be able to smile and let them pass. But the stain makes me stop and chew at them in a way which doesn't serve me. I don't want to rewrite them bc that isn't the truth. I don't want to see my own life as too uncomfortable to look at. I don't want to let the stain spread. Actually I would like to be able to wash it out....Maybe the stain matters bc it is also where part of my family lived and part of where bits of me lived. Not about my xh entirely actually.

Any ideas from anyone else down the road a bit on how you tackled this? Did you see a stain and if so how did you reduce or remove it without living in your past and without reattaching to things you worked damned hard to detach from? Stain washing tips please lol!
« Last Edit: April 05, 2019, 12:23:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #79 on: April 05, 2019, 07:55:35 AM »
My xh already knows for a fact that he just married someone who stole from him and lied about it for a year until she was caught out while watching him suffer the consequences. He also knows that she has elastic respect for marriage vows or commitment. I know that she was a stalker who sent me nasty anonymous notes before I even knew she existed although he refused to believe it. And her text proves that she is a rather nasty vindictive insecure woman (with poor grammar) who does not respect him as an adult man. She is just not a nice person.

There is no excuse for poor grammar! ;D ;D ;D

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #80 on: April 05, 2019, 08:43:33 AM »
 ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #81 on: April 07, 2019, 07:55:56 AM »
Sowing seeds to go in my propogator on a rainy afternoon here. Always a nice thing to do and a little reminder of seeds and care and faith  :)

And while my fingers were busy, I think I have answered my own question lol.

I think most LBS go through (at least) two seasons of questioning. The first is about trying to deal with what is going on and the MLC shenaningans without going insane or being an idiot. The second is probably less about the MLCer and more about understanding and being at peace with our own back story as we move forward. And we will probably all come up with some different answers. Which doesn't matter as long as they feel within spitting distance of the truth of our own lives. But I honestly think it is difficult to be detached enough to do the second until you have no more important skin in the game and until you are detached enough to be able to trust your own judgment. Rightly or wrongly, it has taken me a pretty long time to get here. So I share it simply in case it helps anyone else's' recovery.

Now it may not be the whole truth but it feels like it is as close to my truth and what I experienced as I can get.

And lots of little things played a part; a PM from a vet, a sermon at church, an article about light triad vs dark triad people, a call from a friend, all the photos I went through, coming to the end of a EMDR with a sense of coming out of my own fog, time, NC, even strangely the unpleasant text I mentioned.

(Article about light triad is here...https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/darwins-subterranean-world/201903/the-light-triad-personality....I think they should call it the Babe triad actually  ;) )

My former h was a pretty decent human being who loved and respected me. He also had a lot of unresolved family and life chickens and I was niave about the long term effect of them. In many ways it was remarkable that he didn't implode before he did. He was a conflict avoider, not very brave, not great self esteem always, worried too much about what others thought, a bit materialistic, a bit lazy when life was harder, given to depression and anxiety. He was also funny, generous, incredibly kind, sociable, fun, empathic, gentle, curious, well read, loyal, persistent, trustworthy, loving and creative. I obviously liked him rather more than it turned out he liked himself I guess. Marrying him was not a mistake based on who he was and I had almost 20 years of a really joyful partnership without shadows.

And then life got really hard...illnesses, bereavements, money problems, problems at work.
And he bought some stuff, then he withdrew, blew up his life and ran off to find a new one.

I know he imploded with some kind of breakdown bc I saw it. And he was diagnosed with one. I don't know if it was a MLC but tbh the behaviour did quack like an MLC duck. He became virtually unrecognisable, evidently not mentally healthy and was unreachable by either love or logic.
My h did many things that made no sense even based on what he said he wanted (although he said very little). He did many things that I never imagined he could or that he would have imagined he could, things he would have been horrified by. And evidently he (and others probably) thought that I was the problem so leaving me was the solution. But even when that was done and he hadn't seen me for months - and I wasn't fighting him, just expecting him to behave like a sane decent adult as we met his desire to unravel two shared decades - his behaviour got worse, less rational and more rollercoaster. He went from afraid to angry from the little I could see. And it was rarely possible to connect it to anything I said or did; he just was doing his own thing with little input or effect from me bc we had so little interaction. So, objectively, it just wasn't my crazy or my emotions  :)

But by then I was focusing on my own needs bc I was drowning and didn't look for much info about him or his new life and with a mostly silent vanisher, you don't get much anyway. And whenever I had to interact with him, it was either nasty or insane. Or both. I let go of him and focused on my survival.

I gave up on my h in bits, I think. I probably gave up on us first, bc I could see no way forward at all, and then I stopped believing in him, that he would ever be recognisable or reasonable actually. So once I accepted he had left, I gradually more and more wanted the new version to go away. And the little bits of his new normal that I saw (or that got thrown uninvited over my wall like the text lol) were so unpleasant and so weird and so not what I ever wanted in my life that it was easy to choose NC. Beyond the obvious shock and hurt, I never saw ow as being my problem but increasingly suspected she would turn out to be his. But she didn't break him or force him to do some of the undoubtedly weird things he did. No different than the money he stole or his drug use or tattoos or relentless ridiculous lies. She might have encouraged these things, but truly she didn't break him and she won't fix him either although I imagine he is hoping she will and she is saying she will.  ;)

I think I broke NC to wish him a happy birthday honestly as a small act of grace in case I am wrong and some bit of the person I loved and appreciated for so long was still in there. Bc I could be wrong if I trust the MLC process and a bit of me hopes I am for his sake. But I didn't want any further contact or expect any. I am comfortable assuming that I will never see his face again or know what happens to him. I am sad that my h broke and blew up our life and felt the need to treat me with contempt. I wish it had been different and I wish it hadn't kicked the s$it out of me when other events left me so vulnerable. I had done nothing to deserve how I was treated; it was brutal.  It bewildered me and left me doubting almost everything about how the world worked and my own judgment bc actually I am a Babe triad person  :)

But
And it is a big important but for me
I don't regret loving my h or marrying him. I loved him to the best of my ability, maybe more than I thought I could actually. There is no stain on my/our life before my h broke; it was, and he was, as I remembered it. My slowness to adapt was bc it WAS so different and he became something very dark and unpleasant. It was impossible to comprehend BECAUSE it was so far from normal, normal for us, for him and frankly for normal. But I needed some distance and time and recovery to see that imho.

What does all this mean for me?
It was my last itch really, my own bit of unfinished business. It was about asking myself what I REALLY believed when push came to shove. I needed to feel at peace with those 20 years of my own life and my own choices in order to retrieve myself from the PTSD rubble and move on.
I don't hate him but truthfully I find what he is unpleasant and unwelcome in my life. I don't want him back. I don't even want to see him or talk to him. I'm content to let him go and live the new life he chose with all the likely consequences that come for anyone who does what he did to people who valued him and who chooses to share his life with somebody who doesn't seem to be a very pleasant person. Not my karma.
I can't imagine his new face in my life now and I accept that the old face is an irretrievable ghost. Tbh he is just not the kind of person I would enjoy being around or be interested in as a friend even. Sad but there it is. I wouldn't wish him harm, well more than the normal karma bus delivery lol, but I have nothing more to say to him now and I no longer care enough to listen to anything he might say. Pretty strange feeling actually when a bit of me still loves the person I knew...perhaps I see him as my h's fat grey older nasty toxic cousin idk  :)

I have no idea how he feels about anything but I don't care now really. Not my concern, not my life. I'd find it pretty uncomfortable to erase 20 years of my own life and know that I had been needlessly cruel to someone I had loved for so long who had done nothing to intentionally harm me. But fortunately, that's not my burden to carry either is it?

So, my stain wash tip turned out to be being still enough to hear my own truth. And that close enough truth, honestly saught, is good enough for me.

Now I think, finally, I can set my lovely ghosts to one side and get on with life.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2019, 08:37:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #82 on: April 07, 2019, 09:15:38 AM »
Now I think, finally, I can set my lovely ghosts to one side and get on with life.

Good summation! I pray that you're right about this last part.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #83 on: April 07, 2019, 11:15:02 AM »
Now I think, finally, I can set my lovely ghosts to one side and get on with life.

Wonderful to know.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #84 on: April 09, 2019, 04:15:55 AM »
Now I think, finally, I can set my lovely ghosts to one side and get on with life.
Lovely to get to that part of the journey Treasur! I really applaud you, you had a lot to get through but your perseverance and courage really got you through. I have a long way to go still but I can only hope I get to this point myself one day  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #85 on: April 09, 2019, 09:42:15 AM »
Hello,

Quote
He also had a lot of unresolved family and life chickens and I was niave about the long term effect of them.

Same here. I just tried to ignore them. Thought they were resolved. Nine years after bomb drop, they are still unresolved. Hanging on to crazy ideas and thoughts. Still caught up in fantasy.

Quote
I obviously liked him rather more than it turned out he liked himself I guess.

What a truism. We often forget that the MLCer may project outwards the anger, hatred, and contempt towards the spouse, but it really covers a deep self-loathing and guilt.

Quote
And he bought some stuff, then he withdrew, blew up his life and ran off to find a new one.

The avoidance. The moment life gets hard, they run away. On another thread it was described as the battle between the old self and the new self. That explains the cycling. I also think that the crisis falls on a continuum of actions.

We have those that drastically change parts of their lives but still function with friends and other family. They may stay at home, but they are not the same person all the way to people who throw everything away and start fresh. I call it hitting the ultimate reset button.

I never met your h and from what you post, he was a good guy. Not necessarily great, but a good guy. He played his role for 20 years. Met his obligations, laughed with friends, and moved through a productive but overall uneventful life. Which is okay.  Then he woke up one day and decided to run away. A complete destruction of the old personality and coming up with something new.

In many ways, it is one step short of actual suicide.

Quote
I am comfortable assuming that I will never see his face again or know what happens to him.

Same thing here. Not out of hatred or anger. Just accepting like taxes. Part of my life.

Quote
Now I think, finally, I can set my lovely ghosts to one side and get on with life.

What a nice concluding statement. Resonates so well with me and many others.

((((hugs))) and more ((((hugs)))

Ready



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #86 on: April 09, 2019, 10:14:30 AM »
What you write always resonates with me Treasur. Makes me feel less crazy and alone.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #87 on: April 09, 2019, 10:30:50 AM »
Where can I get me some life 🐔 🐣 🐓 🐥 🍗     chickens please?

(Sorry)

Offline cowgirlslayer

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #88 on: April 09, 2019, 10:31:10 AM »
I hope to get to that point. Right now I just seemed weighed down by sadness and anger (most days anyway).
M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18

Offline Onward

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #89 on: April 09, 2019, 11:22:06 AM »
A lovely reflection, and affirming action. I always enjoy reading along with you, Treasur. You articulate so well what I am also thinking and experiencing.

Let's share a toast to putting aside the lovely ghosts, and moving forward enjoying life among the living.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #90 on: April 09, 2019, 11:25:31 AM »
Where can I get me some life 🐔 🐣 🐓 🐥 🍗     chickens please?

(Sorry)

Life chickens sound more cheerful than they really are, Nerissa...but I have always liked chickens tbh. Hmmm, maybe they were life worms then...or wasps with one of those gigantic hidden wasp nests  :)

Ready..hard to see when I was fighting against it, but at the time and since, it honestly felt as if my h killed himself right in front of me pretty much. Like a suicide bomber as I said to my IC. No one does that unless they are deeply unhappy in their skin do they? So, it makes a kind of deep sense to me to see him as dead, myself as a recovering widow and accept that I have no idea if his complete reset and resurrection into a new person has fixed that. Maybe it will. But I valued him so it is sad to me.

Some of my ghosts are rather nice; others not so much. I'm not sure they will ever entirely leave, not even sure I would want that, but setting them to one side is a big encouraging stage for me. A shared toast to our nice ghosts, Onward, but as you say we drink with the living! (If only bc I suspect ghosts are rubbish at buying their round lol)

I do finally feel that my life will be better without the 'new improved' version or anyone like him, much as I loved the version I knew. But no one healthy would want someone like he became and probably still is. My truth now is that my h broke and chose to become someone who is not good enough for me, not worthy of a woman like me. Ow is welcome to him, no returns! The unknown is definitely better than the known  :)
« Last Edit: April 09, 2019, 12:11:53 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #91 on: April 09, 2019, 01:02:29 PM »
Letting go of something we loved so deeply does seem so counter-intuitive doesn't it? Of course, what choice do we have when they have literally thrown us away? It seems like the simplest of things. As if we can will it to happen. But many of us fight it to the very end. No, letting go, is definitely the best thing we can do.


He was a conflict avoider, not very brave, not great self esteem always, worried too much about what others thought, a bit materialistic, a bit lazy when life was harder, given to depression and anxiety. He was also funny, generous, incredibly kind, sociable, fun, empathic, gentle, curious, well read, loyal, persistent, trustworthy, loving and creative.


Well this describes my H to the T. Oh well. Nothing we can really do for them. Best as you say to: "Now I think, finally, I can set my lovely ghosts to one side and get on with life."

Always love reading your thoughts Treasur. You seem to articulate how so many of us feel.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #92 on: April 10, 2019, 01:56:10 AM »
Ready's comment that it is one step short of an actual suicide resonates with me, that is pretty much what my H did.  Instead of facing whatever it was that he felt not good enough about, he ran.  He even told me that at one point he was standing in a place where others have done just that, wondering what on earth he was doing here. 

I do remember saying that whatever happened, I was glad he hadn't gone that route. 

Yes, he chose this; and I came to realise that my statements (not begging or pleading) that whatever was going on could be faced may inside have made him even feel worse, rather than reassured.  If he was feeling not good enough then my being "good" just made him feel worse about himself, not better. 

Even my D said recently that we are better off without the person he is now, without the negative energy he gives off; we all loved the person he was, he truly was one of the good guys, but the inability to face whatever it was in him that needed facing had dire consequences for all of us. 

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #93 on: April 12, 2019, 09:09:46 AM »
For those of you following along with my PTSD/EMDR journey....and with the caveat that my inner workings may be a) very self indulgent and dull and b) not at all like yours plus that my recovery really has not got much to do with MLC now but a lot to do with recovering from multiple losses really...here is my latest update.

Just when I was beginning to feel I was out of the woods...and maybe started to feel I no longer had PTSD now...
Bc the EMDR has really kicked a lot of the trauma event stuff into the long grass and I genuinely have started to wake up and feel more like myself
And my experience of PTSD was as if there is not only no 'there' there, no external compass, but no me here either...so just a big dark field of nothing

I seem to have hit a last glitch.
I am working on Present stuff now, guided by my therapist, starting to try to put some structure and actions back into my life, to be a little more committed and engaged in living actually and cleaning up some of the mess of the last few years.
But somehow, much as I sidle towards and away and back again, and make small bits of progress (bc I am doing so even if it feels painfully slow)
And even though I accept that grief still pops up and nibbles at my heels, I also see that the waves wash past me rather than drown me as they used to.
I seem to have hit a pocket of sludge which has surprised me.

I feel alone, worthless and unloved. Right in my bones.
Now my head understands why I feel that way when I never did before this experience.
Actually my head says it is not unreasonable rationally that I feel that way given the reality of past events.
And my head says well, come up with a list of actions you can take and things you can begin that will challenge that, that will show you that you don't have to be alone, that you are worth-full. Focus on what you have not what you don't. All good logical stuff.
Yet somehow I can't do it....I try and I freeze...I start and I stop...I plan and I don't do
Bc the feeling that I am alone, worthless and unloved is so damned loud that it makes me afraid in a way I can't put into words of either letting the world see me or me reaching out to the world.
Even though I know rationally that I am NOT entirely alone and that I am NOT worthless, even though I would never judge anyone else this way, I still feel it...weird...
So I am stuck between my head and my...idk what it is, fear? Shame?
But whatever it is, it is huge. So huge that I suspect it is my final PTSD frontier lol.

Why am I sharing this?
Well partly bc I am alone and have few other safe places to share it. Sorry  :)
Maybe partly bc writing it in black and white for others to read makes it less of a huge intractable monster.
Maybe I think someone else might be nodding as they read this and I'm not quite as alone as I feel and there is some unseen worth in my beach walk Thinkys   ::)

I am not seeing my EMDR therapist for another ten days or so.
If it is still there then, of course I will put it on the table and ask for her help.
Until then, I guess my challenge is to just keep going, keep trying, keep failing too but to have faith that the feeling will fade or pass or change into something else...

At least I know the solution is my responsibility and I'm not waiting to get it fixed or soothed by anyone else, particularly anyone crazier than me lol.
And it isn't just about being impatient for my own healing, although I am, but seeing that I need to find a breach in the wall somehow bc it is stopping me doing the things I need to do in order to heal if that makes sense. Very frustrating and a bit disheartening actually.

I do often rather miss the time in my life when I had no idea what PTSD was, no idea how grief works and no experience of any of the thoughts or feelings I have had in the last three years. Ah, the simple glory days of ignorance right?  :) :) :)
« Last Edit: April 12, 2019, 09:25:49 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #94 on: April 12, 2019, 09:28:42 AM »
I am sorry you are going through more inner PTSD stuff. I really wish I could share more or help you with this part but I can't.

But I will say that you are far from alone, or worthless, or unloved. You are part of a super secret cult that is going to Italy to party like it is...uh 2019...and who knows maybe find yourself an Italian stallion while we are there. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline serenity

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #95 on: April 12, 2019, 10:38:21 AM »
Sorry you’re so down Treasur,

You know it will pass - it’s just a nasty bout of funk that’s got hold of you.

I’ve been doing lots in my garden when I can and that always makes me feel good.

Take care and enjoy a walk by the sea which is always so uplifting

X

Offline sada

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #96 on: April 12, 2019, 10:57:11 AM »
Just as Serenity said, this will pass. In the meantime just take one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

In this moment you are feeling what you are feeling. Can't be helped. Continue to come here & share.

You're such a lovely presence here.  A Treasure.
Sada
Me - 55
H - 54
Married 11 years, together 21
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Not cooked but has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements less frequent
Enjoying our time together

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #97 on: April 12, 2019, 11:14:23 AM »
I think that feeling of being alone, worthless and unloved is pretty common among we LBS crew, or cult. ;) Intellectually we understand where it comes from and that it is not the reality. But it sure feels that way sometimes. Like Sada says, these are your feelings, so you have to feel them. But she is also right in that you are indeed a Treasure to so many of us here, and my guess to even many more in RL.

Anyway, just wanted to send you some hugs today. And to let you know that you are not alone, worthless or unloved. Even if it seems that way sometimes. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online gman242

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #98 on: April 12, 2019, 11:18:57 AM »
Letting go of something we loved so deeply does seem so counter-intuitive doesn't it? Of course, what choice do we have when they have literally thrown us away? It seems like the simplest of things. As if we can will it to happen. But many of us fight it to the very end. No, letting go, is definitely the best thing we can do.

I agree treasur. I think it takes forever to realize.

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #99 on: April 12, 2019, 12:34:02 PM »
Hi Treasur.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. All that I can say is that feelings aren't facts.You know what you're feeling isn't true. Those feelings are simply a message and it's good that you came here to write about those feelings and to try to decipher the message. It might be that they're telling you that it's time to start a new chapter, one with new friends and new life meaning.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201310/feelings-aren-t-facts

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #100 on: April 12, 2019, 12:58:24 PM »
Oh, treasur, it's so good of you to put it out there.

One of the things that got me about all this (one of many, as with all LBS) was that I just got so tired of having to put one foot in front of the other, of having to pick myself up, of having to pull myself up from the doldrums every time something hit.  Sometimes it wasn't even something to do with my MLCer or the fallout, it just came upon me.

As you say, logically you know that you have to just keep going, but goodness, it's a drag.

Trouble is, the only way out is through.  I know you know this, just chiming in to say that you aren't alone. 

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #101 on: April 12, 2019, 01:36:06 PM »
Ugh, I recognize that feeling very well Treasur and I'm so sorry you feel that way, it's not nice..

I felt like that for a good while after H left and even though I had a lot of people showing care, concern and love for me, I couldn't really "feel it" - And then on my birthday a group of friends did something that opened my eyes. These are people who I met only a few years ago, nothing to do with H, these were MY friends.. I didn't really give them my time or effort while I had my H (and I realize how wrong that is).. They got together and organized a little surprise for me because they knew I needed a bit of cheering up. It wasn't anything extreme just it was thoughtful. And at that point, I realized I was not alone.. I realized that these people really loved me for who I am and that's why they invested time and energy in being there for me at a complicated time of my life. If I was not worth their time, they wouldn't do it..

The reality is that they were doing it for a number of months but my heart was so broken it couldn't feel their love. For some reason my birthday woke it up. Now when my friends show me love and care, I feel it hugs my heart. Don't get me wrong, I still feel unloved from a romantic sense and when I have low moments, the feeling of loneliness comes back but I don't feel alone, unloved or worthless all the time anymore and that has made a big difference to how I feel on a daily basis.

So with this long winded post what I'm saying is, can it be that you have people showing you love and you can't "feel it"? I obviously don't know you in person but at least here, you come across as such a lovely, caring person. Even judging by the many people who follow your threads, comment on them and listen to what you have to say tit's obvious people see your worth simply by reading your words in the screen. I would find it hard to believe people who know you in RL wouldn't love you for who you are.. As Hawkeye said, feelings (or in this case lack of) aren't facts. You are loved, you just need to let yourself feel it again.

Big hug!  :-*
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #102 on: April 13, 2019, 02:14:13 AM »
Oh, Treasur, you are so caring to everyone and here you are feeling unloved and worthless. I'm just going to say that because of the way we were left/abandoned, there is a good chance these feelings can crop up now and again, like having broken a bone, which flares up on cold rainy days to remind us of that incident.

Would it be ok to accept that you might go on and have a good life but these little pains are just going to crop up now and again because something in you was broken? That this glitch is just left overs from a painful moment but nothing more? And when the glitch appears you will know to make yourself a camomile or buy yourself a bunch of flowers instead of taking an aspirin.

I think we all have these feelings at times. Like I said, the way we were left and the complete disregard for us afterwards was inevitably going to send the message to our brains that we are unlovable. However, I think it's probably much harder when you don't have kids or parents to remind you that someone still does love you.

As others have said, you are very loved and respected here at HS. I can't believe that people in RL wouldn't think the same of you.

I hope you get through this moment quickly. Big hugs xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #103 on: April 14, 2019, 01:21:46 AM »
Just wanted to check in and say I'm ok. As Hawkeye says, we all learn that feelings can be signposts but they are not facts. I am still in a bit of an odd spot, but I'm ok. It really is just the aftermath stuff and in my case some of the last bits of feelings that I couldn't feel when I had PTSD. So, in a weird way, being able to feel stuff is a good thing and probably about moving forward tbh.

Palm Sunday here but I don't feel like a big church service today, so popped in to say hello to God on my way back from my morning walk. Now I am a person of faith but my bible knowledge is weak, but in my head was Proverbs 6. So I came back and looked it up https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+6&version=AKJV

Had a long chat with another HS person yesterday which helped. As often happens, you talk with someone else or they ask you a question (even though our circumstances and goals are quite different) and it makes you think differently. A lot of our conversation was about unhooking from that loop of 'they've won/I've lost, they are happy/I'm not' thing which makes us feel so frustrated by the absence of the karma bus. And all the confusing questions of faith and belief that sit behind it. I wonder if proverbs 6 was a reminder to me that, for any of us, bad seeds produce bad fruit. It just takes a while.

And talking of seeds...my kitchen table is full of little pots of cucumber and tomato seedlings. Chilly morning here but I will pop up to my allotment for a couple of hours to put them in the cold frame and sow some more seeds on site. I shall have to start cooking again, and feeding others at my table, as I am going to have way more vegetables than I can eat on my own in a few months!

One of the questions my HS friend asked me was if I had any hope at all for any kind of reconciliation and why I felt however I did about it.  And answering honestly made me pause and think. My answer was no for two reasons. The first is that once my h remarried, logically it seemed foolish to do so bc it burned the last bridge really. The second is that I stopped believing my 'real' h still existed behind the crisis. Rightly or wrongly, I just did. I gave up on the 'old' him as part of accepting my losses I suppose.  I believe he is now a different person with a different life that he chose. I don't like or respect that person. I wouldn't have married him and I wouldn't want someone like that in my life bc our values are chalk and cheese. I believe lots of things I read here about the MLC process, but not all or not in my situation perhaps. I know my h had some kind of crisis bc I saw it, but no one - LBS or MLCer - can be unchanged by this kind of experience. My core is still here because I held on to it hard rather than run but my h ran to a new life/self/wife. That was his choice and I have seen no consistent glimmer of who my h was since late 2016...well the odd weird flurry around watchgate/policegate about a year ago but it was small, came and went just as quickly. For whatever reason. Whether that turns out well for him, whether it burned out the old him completely, is not for me to judge; if there was any glimmer of the person he was, it will be uncomfortable for him to leave so much unfinished business and proverbs 6 will probably roll out lol. But I can only steer my course by the skies I see. And the crisis him had a very dark core, I could feel it and all my instincts were to move far away from the darkness of it. I've never really been able to line up the person I knew for so many years with the behaviour of the crisis version. So his path is his, mine is mine and they are completely separate now.

It's a pretty odd feeling to live not only as if he is not coming back but as if I will never see his face again or know what happens to him. I still miss my h which feels odd too but tbh I see it  in the same way as missing my father who died. A lot of my perspective on things honestly is shaped by losing my family and my own experience of grief, and a mostly vanisher, so my POV is not right for everyone I suspect. Could be wrong, I have learned the value of 'idk', but based on what I do know it is a sensible operating assumption. That my m and my h were a season, a chapter. But it did also make me realise that, although the MLC basics are about not taking it personally and I know his crisis was not about me, there is obviously a bit of me that DOES take it personally. That feels worthless and unloved bc my h decided that after so many years, for him, I WAS worthless and he did not love me and that there wasn't even enough residue of that to warrant basic respect or kindness when I was ill and bereaved. There is a bit of me I suspect that still finds that shocking but it doesn't change the fact that this was what happened. But I am obviously taking things personally that are not about me on some level, so bit more work to do there!

And I have decided that my birthday gift to myself in October will be to look for a new cat to walk with me in my new life...that feels like the right time for it. I shall look for a rescue cat, a LBcat essentially lol, and we will build new stuff together  :)
« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 01:47:47 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #104 on: April 14, 2019, 01:51:37 AM »
Hi treasur, I’m sorry you are feeling low at present. Perhaps the text from ow had a bigger impact than first realised. I feel and just my opinion/experience is that we feel it so personally because the way we have been treated are acts that we can not comprehend as we could never be that person or do what some mlcer and ow have done to another human being. We try to understand why people in our lives behaved as they did but we can’t as it is foreign to us.

A cat sounds lovely. Would you choose a pedigree cat and if so which breed or just a moggy. Either is wonderful and I think the right cat will show up at the right time and that both you and the cat will choose each other.

You are loved and not alone as I see that from everyone that follows your thread and comments. You show your caring and love for others in your posts to others. You lovingly care for seeds and want to share your vegetables that you will have lovingly grown. You may not see it yourself and we tend not to but others see how much love and care you have to give radiate from your posts.

I said on my own thread yest. It is just a blip, the next stage to closing the next door to the next room until all the rooms have been sorted, mess dealt with and move forward. I have no doubt treasur that you will work through this sludge as I have seen treasur do it many times and each time when you write about your experience on hs you help so many others. I may not comment often but I certainly do read and follow you. Hugs and love my friend xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #105 on: April 14, 2019, 06:07:09 AM »
I often struggle with the dichotomy between the old and new MLC persona.  It makes me feel as though my twenty years with that person was a a charade.  The script of rewriting the history of the marriage is so thorough and debilitating, that if you choose to believe it, then this alien in front of you basically stole years from your life as they hid secrets and lied about how they really felt and who they really were.  Its extremely difficult not to harbor deep resentment,  anger and bitterness toward that person whenever those thoughts intrude.  I still don't have a divorce in the works: STBXW just goes on about her life in "our" house, raising our daughter in a foreign way antithetical to her first 7 years of life, ignoring me for the most part and treating me like something on her shoe when we do interact.  MIL recently got sick and passed away.  I asked to see her, and STBXW refused.  I was also not invited to the funeral.  Which one is the "real" person?
M=50
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #106 on: April 14, 2019, 07:08:59 AM »
Definitely a moggy, RP...and not a black and white boy bc Louis is as irreplaceable as my h was!

Disillusioned...it is a struggle isn't it? Sounds as if it is no easier with a live in either. I have cycled round this particular loop a lot and I think we each reach our own conclusion. For me, both are Real. I don't believe my twenty years with my h was a charade or my denial; I can close my eyes and feel the truth of it. And when my h had a breakdown, the darkest side of him came out - that I never knew and I suspect largely he never knew entirely either - and took charge. That is, from my limited info, who is he is now. Post BD, I spent a long time looking for signs of v1. Then I trained myself to accept v2 to the point where that was all I saw. So I separate them in my mind and treat v1 as essentially dead. I have no idea if there will be a v3 or if v3 would have enough of v1 in him to feel remorse or want to deal with his/our unfinished business. But I live as if v2 is the new person and who my xh wants to be with a new v2 life. It is messy. I love v1 still but find v2 almost repulsive and a bit scary tbh. If I am wrong, and he has moments of v1, I have enough detachment now to appreciate how horrible that might feel and how overwhelming...but it is all out of my hands and beyond my comprehension really. Rationally it is pretty incomprehensible to see how they apparently rewrite not just their bit of those years but also almost seem to forget who we are. There is no middle ground for them...but that is a useful reminder perhaps that this is not normal and not our creation or fault.

I'm so sorry about your MiL; that must have been a real slap in the teeth. And sorry too that you are in the awful limbo of living with the alien version of your wife. Are you standing or do you want to progress the divorce? How are you coping and how is your daughter coping?
« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 07:13:28 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #107 on: April 14, 2019, 07:36:31 AM »
Treasur:  I've stopped standing and have been pushing for mediation.  I think she's finally understanding  we're done.  I see nothing to go back to, and her new environment where she still works with MOM, after kicking me out of the marital home, is untenable. I held on for several years, making mistakes like all the LBS's.  In fact, last August I tried one more time to get her to talk about reconciliation.   I sent her an email and told her that dividing our daughters life in half was horrible and that we should see a MC together to heal and possibly reconcile.  Surprisingly,  she responded within a few hours, texting: "I received your email.  I didn't want you to think I'm ignoring you.  I'll reach out."  Then, nothing. 

The next month, at D8's first soccer practice of the season, MLCW sat next to me and started chatting.  It was really the first time she had showed any friendliness since I had moved out in March.  Unfortunately,  and unbeknownst to me, a co worker of hers had a daughter on the team.  She walked up and sat next to my W who immediately acted like I didn't exist and began talking to this woman I had never met.  Their conversation gave me some insight into my W's life, since we were basically NC on personal stuff.  Then, with no regard to me, W and friend engaged in conversation about MOM. Now, it wasn't of the personal type, because I dont think anyone at their work knows.  But the fact that she just sat their casually discussing him in front of me sent me crashing later for a week.  I eventually got up and introduced myself as "D's FATHER" to the woman and moved away from both.  My D knew something was wrong with me right after practice, but W has never acknowledged that day. 

I struggled the next week with my feelings, with God, with our history,  with what was right for D.  Eventually,  I realized that any chance of me having trust and feeling safe with her in the future would require major changes in her life in regards to old and new friends, her new job and even some family members.  I knew It would be too much to ask, and that she would resent me for it, so i dropped any hope of ever wanting to be with her again.

There's a lot more, and I've never posted my story.  I also dont want to hijack your thread.  Thank you for inquiring about ME, when you are hurting. I wouldn't expect anything less from you, if your history here is any indication.  Now,  let's get back to you!
M=50
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #108 on: April 14, 2019, 07:51:58 AM »
 A LBcat sounds perfect.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #109 on: April 14, 2019, 08:37:05 AM »
Treasur, I think it's a great plan to get an LBS cat for your birthday. This will give you something to look forward to and will help handle the Birthday Day, which can be very hard on us. I like your planning, after the Tuscany trip! My birthday in October, too. Last year's was really miserable, I must plan something for myself, too.

Love the idea that you must get cooking for people again because your vegetables will be pushing you to use them. Your home will smell so good, and what with your multi coloured chairs, how I wish I lived closer.

Disillusioned, you should post your story. I would like to read about your situation. Many of us feel just like you about our history with our spouses.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #110 on: April 14, 2019, 10:02:27 AM »
Your life is going to be different than you expected and that takes time to process and to grieve. But it can still be a good life and, because you're coming to know yourself better, in some ways your life may even become better than it was before. You're making great progress!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #111 on: April 14, 2019, 12:23:22 PM »
I'm sorry you're still feeling down, Treasur.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #112 on: April 15, 2019, 07:11:51 AM »
Back from sowing seeds and putting up my new little plastic greenhouse (which will be an experiment with the coastal winds but if it works will help me grow some more tender plants like cucumbers a little better).

I am ok.
Sowing seeds in my new little greenhouse made me think three things.

How grateful I am for my allotment by to sea...it is a gym and a mental health refuge.

How much I miss my old greenhouse, a surprise gift from my father and my h...it really hurt to let it go, much more than the house actually.

How incredibly weird this has all been. To have a h who becomes so unrecognisable and does so many truly WTF things. To be divorced with no conversation at all...a mostly silent vanisher is pretty close to a runaway tbh...who then married someone else so quickly....and it really is just weird. Surreal. I have learned to accept and let go and give up and step away. But even now, I still find it shocking how crazy it was and how nasty and how very little of any of it was influenced by me. (Which of course does mean objectively that it wasn't my crazy or my nasty...even if I don't get why others would want to be crazy or nasty  ;) )

I had never experienced anything in my life that was so surreal or so relentlessly insane or that felt so nasty for so long. I hope that I will never experience anything like it again. It has left me with a kind of gut revulsion for nasty people or anything that feels really weird or abnormal. Normal and boring and nice is good  :)...it may have been what most drove my choice to not stand actually bc I saw my MLC h as bringing only crazy nasty stuff for the foreseeable future. And indeed ow text proves that to be so...and I don't want any of that Jerry Springer like drama in my life. Too weird, too nasty.

So, no profound thoughts at all....just that it has all been incredibly weird and I think it is important to accept that too as part of moving forward. I think as I am now feeling more normal (for me), what happened actually seems even more weird and even more nasty....probably a healthy sign of my healing I suspect.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 07:31:11 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #113 on: April 15, 2019, 08:16:30 AM »
I had a little plastic greenhouse. Planted all my little tomatoes and strawberries in it. It was going fantastically....

Until one windy Scottish day when it went flying over the back fence and splattering my produce all over the inside like a blender.  >:( ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #114 on: April 15, 2019, 08:36:30 AM »
Have tied mine to a big fence plus weighted it down with some old paving stones....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #115 on: April 15, 2019, 09:02:15 AM »
Did I read somewhere that there are pictures of your garden I can have a peek at?
Maybe it’s all private?
I used to have a gigantic green once upon a time. Full of orchids and rare plants. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #116 on: April 15, 2019, 09:28:22 AM »
Sowing seeds and a little plastic greenhouse sound great.

If I recall well, the pictures are not private. There was a link, wasn't there, Treasur?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #117 on: April 15, 2019, 11:36:39 AM »
Seeing the horrific fire at Notre Dame breaks my heart a little. Such a beautiful and defining part of Paris both its past and present. My first visit was with my beloved in 1997; my last in 2016 alone when I cried all the way through mass and a stranger reached out and quietly held my hand.
And it will never be the same again. Just awful.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #118 on: April 15, 2019, 12:36:11 PM »
Seeing the horrific fire at Notre Dame breaks my heart a little.

What are you talking about? Been away from the news for a couple of days. Same for Facebook. OK, gotta go check the Guardian, the only news I can still stand.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #119 on: April 15, 2019, 01:15:53 PM »
Read it. It does not seem to have been life loss which is very good.

Stone does not burn. Notre Dame can be restored including the non stone parts that can be replicated using period techniques and/or materials. It will cost a fortune and take a long time, but it is possible.

Remember how cities, including monuments, were destroyed during WWII? They can come to life again.

It will not be same thing? Maybe not, but what matters is that it will keep existing.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #120 on: April 15, 2019, 01:31:20 PM »
It will not be same thing? Maybe not, but what matters is that it will keep existing.

Wow Angae--a little like we LBS maybe?   :)

Treasur, my heart aches for you thinking of you sobbing in that beautiful cathedral. But what a beautiful moment when that person held your hand. It is hard to let go of something we loved so completely isn't it? 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #121 on: April 15, 2019, 03:28:41 PM »
I was a saddened when I put on the news and saw Notre Dame in flames. Quasimodo land. It's like Big Ben or the Statue of Liberty burning down. Anjae you are right to remind us that it can be rebuilt. Not the same of course, but will probably be stronger. No doubt everyone will learn from it, too.

Treasur, love that some empathic person held your hand as you cried through the mass. There are some really good people out there.

Treasur, love your little plastic greenhouse all tied up to the fence and weighted with stones. So cute and will give you lots of exotic options, too. Love cucumber. Love orchids, love all flowers to put on my table. Is there a French rose for you to plant in memoriam?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #122 on: April 15, 2019, 03:50:40 PM »
Wow Angae--a little like we LBS maybe?   :)

Yes, pretty much like the LBS. :-)

Notre Dame was pretty strong. It had been around for 9 centuries or so.  ;)

We never know when something that has survived years on end will burn. In the case of Notre Dame, rebuilding may have the same stone - maybe not all, stone does not burn, but it breaks, however woods and all things that burn and were eaten by the fire will have to be redone. Including the paitings and artifacts if the French want to have them again = they will not be the original ones. The pigments, brushes, tecniques can be period, the works will not be.

The architecture part is the "easiest" to rebuild. Maybe in a marriage the skeleton is the easiest to rebuild. The filling is harder and much more complicated.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #123 on: April 15, 2019, 04:40:44 PM »
You know you are young when the first thing you involuntarily think is ''I hope Quasimodo got out!''

Embarrassed that was actually a thought for about 10 seconds.  :-[

But it made me a bit sad too. That something that has stood the test of time, likely burning down over a phone charger left in or something.  ::)

I have never seen it in person, but I have a love for old gothic architecture so I really do understand the pain.  :-\

It is weird seeing the world change in ways like that. And so reminiscent of our lives during MLC watching a beautiful timeless treasure burn down, but as Anjae said...it will be rebuilt. Perhaps once it has you can visit it...and you will be rebuilt too.  :-*
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #124 on: April 15, 2019, 06:57:42 PM »
Weeping for the disaster at Notre Dame - so much history and intense feelings associated with a beautiful cathedral, place of worship for so many years. Paris was built around this iconic building.

I think what moved me most was the image and sound of the people on the streets singing hymns as they watched a beloved monument burn - how those brave firefighters risked all to protect it.

Very moving, your account Treasur - I can understand the depth of your emotion :'(
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #125 on: April 16, 2019, 12:33:27 AM »
Rather moved to see in a photo this morning that the cross and main altar survived the fire. And I have decided that Barack Obama speaks Babeish with his tweet to the effect that it is human nature to rebuild.  :)

For some reason, it has become a really significant event in my head, a kind of metaphor for my own experience. Time (and trauma treatment lol) really does bring a different perspective. Probably bc I am standing in a different place so my view is different. Most of us initially are trying to fight the sudden fire aren't we? And it is incredibly confusing bc we gradually see that our spouse is not only not helping or even just run out of the building - no matter what they say - but they are starting new fires while we are trying to work out why the water tap isn't working. It takes most of us a very long time to see that and figure out if we can save anything at all from the fire. And then, when the fires are finally out, we stand there with smoke in our lungs, exhausted and horrified by the scale of the damage. To rebuild, we have to look at the damage and accept it but of course part of us really doesn't want to. We are mourning and trying to clear up and trying to think about an unknown new building all at the same time. And for some of us, either our spouse is still popping up with matches or they seem full of glee with the destruction and are sitting at a small cafe sipping a glass of wine watching the drama as if it had nothing to do with them at all. Looking back, bc of who I am and how I reacted, my h could have just graciously left the building; but for his own reasons he wanted to burn everything down to the ground probably including me. I am not an arsonist so it was always going to be impossible for me to understand one.

I honestly believe that as Acorn says, healing is a journey for one. That we choose contact based primarily on whether the MLCer is still running around with matches. That it is natural to resent their firestarting and believe that they are happy in some way bc of it as that is how they behave. And that might be how they feel tbh. With time, it does become easier to see that they also destroyed part of themselves and for many, this won't turn out well. But meanwhile, the LBS is still soot-smudged and singed, and the cathedral is still burnt down and still needs to be rebuilt in some way. And we are so tired and so sad.

And justice and karma et al? I suppose it is like the investigation into why the fire happened. No answer will change that it did. It is natural to want some kind of punishment or something useful to be learned...but Notre Dame can never be the same again whether that happens or not. My xh's feelings about what he did and the new life he gained from destroying his old life does not change the fact that the old life - and me - got burnt. I suspect actually that the only kind of karma that will feel ok with time is based on what I rebuild...and no matter how proud I am of that, I will always feel sad about the fire, just as I will if I ever get the chance to visit a restored Notre Dame.

I have often beaten myself up about how long I got lost and how long I got stuck in a kind of suffering. But if I think of this experience and my life as a bit like the pictures of Notre Dame, it is easier to forgive myself for that. And to accept too that if I want to value the old...the works of art, the history, the unique things...then it is not an easy path. And that it is no easier whether the person who set it on fire is full of remorse and regret or sitting with a big smile at one of those Parisian cafe tables with someone else shrugging it all off as no big deal or actually even a good thing. And seems to have no concern about the dangers to me or any of the other firefighters. The only thing that matters is if the fire is out and what I want to do about the new Notre Dame. And that anyone with matches is not allowed on site.  :)

And you'll be pleased to know, Morte, that the bell towers from Hugo's story are miraculously still standing  :)
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 02:11:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #126 on: April 16, 2019, 05:40:32 AM »
Beautiful day here. You can practically hear the seeds growing in my little greenhouse! While I took a break to get my fingers mucky potting on some courgettes, tomatoes, cucumbers and squash, my brain was reflecting on my progress.

April 15: Father very ill, h looking for new job but no sign otherwise of the horror to come.

April 16: H and me talking & spending time together; under psychiatric care but wanting to work on us. Had to find dementia care home for my mother. H begging me not to give up on him and saying he loves me (which suddenly became 'divorce is the only option' in May 16)

April 17: H not responding to his own lawyer or mine, or anything about selling house etc. Ran away to little house by the sea with a lighthouse at the end of the garden with Louis the cat to save my sanity.

April 18 : Raging or sadz emails, sends police to my house when I don't reply for 3 days. Denying ow is 'what you think', claims he wants to talk after the divorce is final (which it is at end of April.) Lost Louis too. House finally sold.

April 19 : NC with remarried h since June 18 other than happy birthday text (which produced nasty text from ow saying he/they want NC bc I am an irritating irrelevance essentially  ::)...but I can contact her if it's important  :o (no words for how ridiculous that is!)). Feel like myself again, almost at end of treatment for PTSD, trying to come up with a good plan for my next chapter. New house by the sea, allotment, new garden and new roses.

Gosh, looking back what a weird rollercoaster. I think my h was not a vanisher until June 16 when he seemed to decide to go for the ow/new life choice....and tbh things then got much crazier until June 2018 no matter what I did or didn't do. And I was a grey, thin, exhausted basket case until probably the end of 2017, so 18 months or so after the 'real' BD. Now? I am older, wiser, a bit battered still but not broken. My xh is simply a mad stranger who looks a bit like my h and apparently still hates me while getting what he wanted to be happy.... ::)

April 20? Well, other than obviously a faint hope for the karma bus to do some drive bys to other people lol....I am hoping for a new steady business that supports me, to still be living here and to no longer be looking over my shoulder at all but feeling at home in my skin and perhaps enjoying showing my skin off to a nice sane male human  :)...given the allotment, I probably need one that likes eating vegetables  :)
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 06:08:15 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #127 on: April 16, 2019, 06:27:30 AM »
Beautiful words Treasur.. A very good metaphor and I'd say it's not just your experience but the experience of many of us here.. How the fire started and all the whys, whats and whens won't change the fact that the cathedral is already burnt and it's up to us to continue to cry over the ashes or get ourselves up and ready to start rebuilding.. Some people take longer than others but that's OK, we all move at our own pace.

As for your second post. What a fun ride! NOT  :o
I'm sure April 20 will bring all the wonderful things you deserve. I wish I lived closer to you, all those veggies sound delicious!

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #128 on: April 16, 2019, 08:30:37 AM »
Really cool to see the snap shots of Aprils. Not obviously the horrible events...but just...little pictures of all the things you made it through. Each one requiring it's own type of strength and challenges.

And why do I CONSTANTLY think of all the things I could do with OW. I might notify her of everything from the time my cat farts to when the mail man didn't deliver me mail. Wonder how long it would take her to block me?!  ;D

Honestly ...can you imagine a LBS crank call list for OW. We can just get drunk and wind them up.  :)

Ugh..clearly my childish side is out today.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #129 on: April 16, 2019, 09:40:33 AM »
Treasur:  I love the metaphor.  It really resonated with me today.  It reminds me of something I told H before the NC.  I felt as if we were in a high-rise and H started a fire.  He called the fire department and they came and put a big pillow for him to jump from the window.  There was no pillow for me so when I jumped I landed in a million pieces.  That is what being a LBS felt like to me.  Your garden sounds wonderful.  Wish I was your neighbor!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #130 on: April 16, 2019, 10:20:07 AM »
"Honestly ...can you imagine a LBS crank call list for OW. We can just get drunk and wind them up.  :)"

This. So funny.

"H begging me not to give up on him and saying he loves me (which suddenly became 'divorce is the only option' in May 16)"

Yep.... LB did this too. So odd.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #131 on: April 16, 2019, 10:26:36 AM »
Weirdly comforting DF to know it wasn't just me  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #132 on: April 16, 2019, 10:56:58 AM »
Weirdly comforting DF to know it wasn't just me  :)

Last year H just had to go to lunch with me b/c there were so many things he wanted to say. Mostly he wanted "us" back. That was Wednesday--he cancelled that lunch and promptly blocked me that day and ran off to a weekender with OW on Friday. They are so weird.

Love your Notre Dame metaphor. Seems so relevant.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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