Author Topic: My Story Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely  (Read 2072 times)

Online KeepItTogether

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My Story Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #120 on: April 15, 2019, 01:31:20 PM »
It will not be same thing? Maybe not, but what matters is that it will keep existing.

Wow Angae--a little like we LBS maybe?   :)

Treasur, my heart aches for you thinking of you sobbing in that beautiful cathedral. But what a beautiful moment when that person held your hand. It is hard to let go of something we loved so completely isn't it? 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #121 on: April 15, 2019, 03:28:41 PM »
I was a saddened when I put on the news and saw Notre Dame in flames. Quasimodo land. It's like Big Ben or the Statue of Liberty burning down. Anjae you are right to remind us that it can be rebuilt. Not the same of course, but will probably be stronger. No doubt everyone will learn from it, too.

Treasur, love that some empathic person held your hand as you cried through the mass. There are some really good people out there.

Treasur, love your little plastic greenhouse all tied up to the fence and weighted with stones. So cute and will give you lots of exotic options, too. Love cucumber. Love orchids, love all flowers to put on my table. Is there a French rose for you to plant in memoriam?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #122 on: April 15, 2019, 03:50:40 PM »
Wow Angae--a little like we LBS maybe?   :)

Yes, pretty much like the LBS. :-)

Notre Dame was pretty strong. It had been around for 9 centuries or so.  ;)

We never know when something that has survived years on end will burn. In the case of Notre Dame, rebuilding may have the same stone - maybe not all, stone does not burn, but it breaks, however woods and all things that burn and were eaten by the fire will have to be redone. Including the paitings and artifacts if the French want to have them again = they will not be the original ones. The pigments, brushes, tecniques can be period, the works will not be.

The architecture part is the "easiest" to rebuild. Maybe in a marriage the skeleton is the easiest to rebuild. The filling is harder and much more complicated.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #123 on: April 15, 2019, 04:40:44 PM »
You know you are young when the first thing you involuntarily think is ''I hope Quasimodo got out!''

Embarrassed that was actually a thought for about 10 seconds.  :-[

But it made me a bit sad too. That something that has stood the test of time, likely burning down over a phone charger left in or something.  ::)

I have never seen it in person, but I have a love for old gothic architecture so I really do understand the pain.  :-\

It is weird seeing the world change in ways like that. And so reminiscent of our lives during MLC watching a beautiful timeless treasure burn down, but as Anjae said...it will be rebuilt. Perhaps once it has you can visit it...and you will be rebuilt too.  :-*
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #124 on: April 15, 2019, 06:57:42 PM »
Weeping for the disaster at Notre Dame - so much history and intense feelings associated with a beautiful cathedral, place of worship for so many years. Paris was built around this iconic building.

I think what moved me most was the image and sound of the people on the streets singing hymns as they watched a beloved monument burn - how those brave firefighters risked all to protect it.

Very moving, your account Treasur - I can understand the depth of your emotion :'(
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #125 on: April 16, 2019, 12:33:27 AM »
Rather moved to see in a photo this morning that the cross and main altar survived the fire. And I have decided that Barack Obama speaks Babeish with his tweet to the effect that it is human nature to rebuild.  :)

For some reason, it has become a really significant event in my head, a kind of metaphor for my own experience. Time (and trauma treatment lol) really does bring a different perspective. Probably bc I am standing in a different place so my view is different. Most of us initially are trying to fight the sudden fire aren't we? And it is incredibly confusing bc we gradually see that our spouse is not only not helping or even just run out of the building - no matter what they say - but they are starting new fires while we are trying to work out why the water tap isn't working. It takes most of us a very long time to see that and figure out if we can save anything at all from the fire. And then, when the fires are finally out, we stand there with smoke in our lungs, exhausted and horrified by the scale of the damage. To rebuild, we have to look at the damage and accept it but of course part of us really doesn't want to. We are mourning and trying to clear up and trying to think about an unknown new building all at the same time. And for some of us, either our spouse is still popping up with matches or they seem full of glee with the destruction and are sitting at a small cafe sipping a glass of wine watching the drama as if it had nothing to do with them at all. Looking back, bc of who I am and how I reacted, my h could have just graciously left the building; but for his own reasons he wanted to burn everything down to the ground probably including me. I am not an arsonist so it was always going to be impossible for me to understand one.

I honestly believe that as Acorn says, healing is a journey for one. That we choose contact based primarily on whether the MLCer is still running around with matches. That it is natural to resent their firestarting and believe that they are happy in some way bc of it as that is how they behave. And that might be how they feel tbh. With time, it does become easier to see that they also destroyed part of themselves and for many, this won't turn out well. But meanwhile, the LBS is still soot-smudged and singed, and the cathedral is still burnt down and still needs to be rebuilt in some way. And we are so tired and so sad.

And justice and karma et al? I suppose it is like the investigation into why the fire happened. No answer will change that it did. It is natural to want some kind of punishment or something useful to be learned...but Notre Dame can never be the same again whether that happens or not. My xh's feelings about what he did and the new life he gained from destroying his old life does not change the fact that the old life - and me - got burnt. I suspect actually that the only kind of karma that will feel ok with time is based on what I rebuild...and no matter how proud I am of that, I will always feel sad about the fire, just as I will if I ever get the chance to visit a restored Notre Dame.

I have often beaten myself up about how long I got lost and how long I got stuck in a kind of suffering. But if I think of this experience and my life as a bit like the pictures of Notre Dame, it is easier to forgive myself for that. And to accept too that if I want to value the old...the works of art, the history, the unique things...then it is not an easy path. And that it is no easier whether the person who set it on fire is full of remorse and regret or sitting with a big smile at one of those Parisian cafe tables with someone else shrugging it all off as no big deal or actually even a good thing. And seems to have no concern about the dangers to me or any of the other firefighters. The only thing that matters is if the fire is out and what I want to do about the new Notre Dame. And that anyone with matches is not allowed on site.  :)

And you'll be pleased to know, Morte, that the bell towers from Hugo's story are miraculously still standing  :)
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 02:11:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #126 on: April 16, 2019, 05:40:32 AM »
Beautiful day here. You can practically hear the seeds growing in my little greenhouse! While I took a break to get my fingers mucky potting on some courgettes, tomatoes, cucumbers and squash, my brain was reflecting on my progress.

April 15: Father very ill, h looking for new job but no sign otherwise of the horror to come.

April 16: H and me talking & spending time together; under psychiatric care but wanting to work on us. Had to find dementia care home for my mother. H begging me not to give up on him and saying he loves me (which suddenly became 'divorce is the only option' in May 16)

April 17: H not responding to his own lawyer or mine, or anything about selling house etc. Ran away to little house by the sea with a lighthouse at the end of the garden with Louis the cat to save my sanity.

April 18 : Raging or sadz emails, sends police to my house when I don't reply for 3 days. Denying ow is 'what you think', claims he wants to talk after the divorce is final (which it is at end of April.) Lost Louis too. House finally sold.

April 19 : NC with remarried h since June 18 other than happy birthday text (which produced nasty text from ow saying he/they want NC bc I am an irritating irrelevance essentially  ::)...but I can contact her if it's important  :o (no words for how ridiculous that is!)). Feel like myself again, almost at end of treatment for PTSD, trying to come up with a good plan for my next chapter. New house by the sea, allotment, new garden and new roses.

Gosh, looking back what a weird rollercoaster. I think my h was not a vanisher until June 16 when he seemed to decide to go for the ow/new life choice....and tbh things then got much crazier until June 2018 no matter what I did or didn't do. And I was a grey, thin, exhausted basket case until probably the end of 2017, so 18 months or so after the 'real' BD. Now? I am older, wiser, a bit battered still but not broken. My xh is simply a mad stranger who looks a bit like my h and apparently still hates me while getting what he wanted to be happy.... ::)

April 20? Well, other than obviously a faint hope for the karma bus to do some drive bys to other people lol....I am hoping for a new steady business that supports me, to still be living here and to no longer be looking over my shoulder at all but feeling at home in my skin and perhaps enjoying showing my skin off to a nice sane male human  :)...given the allotment, I probably need one that likes eating vegetables  :)
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 06:08:15 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #127 on: April 16, 2019, 06:27:30 AM »
Beautiful words Treasur.. A very good metaphor and I'd say it's not just your experience but the experience of many of us here.. How the fire started and all the whys, whats and whens won't change the fact that the cathedral is already burnt and it's up to us to continue to cry over the ashes or get ourselves up and ready to start rebuilding.. Some people take longer than others but that's OK, we all move at our own pace.

As for your second post. What a fun ride! NOT  :o
I'm sure April 20 will bring all the wonderful things you deserve. I wish I lived closer to you, all those veggies sound delicious!

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #128 on: April 16, 2019, 08:30:37 AM »
Really cool to see the snap shots of Aprils. Not obviously the horrible events...but just...little pictures of all the things you made it through. Each one requiring it's own type of strength and challenges.

And why do I CONSTANTLY think of all the things I could do with OW. I might notify her of everything from the time my cat farts to when the mail man didn't deliver me mail. Wonder how long it would take her to block me?!  ;D

Honestly ...can you imagine a LBS crank call list for OW. We can just get drunk and wind them up.  :)

Ugh..clearly my childish side is out today.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #129 on: April 16, 2019, 09:40:33 AM »
Treasur:  I love the metaphor.  It really resonated with me today.  It reminds me of something I told H before the NC.  I felt as if we were in a high-rise and H started a fire.  He called the fire department and they came and put a big pillow for him to jump from the window.  There was no pillow for me so when I jumped I landed in a million pieces.  That is what being a LBS felt like to me.  Your garden sounds wonderful.  Wish I was your neighbor!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

 

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