Author Topic: My Story Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely  (Read 2070 times)

Offline OffRoad

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My Story Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2019, 10:07:59 AM »
Treasur,  I went through the "How could anyone hate me so much."phase a little wile back.  That started the monkey braining about "what had I done that would cause anyone to hate me so much they would treat me this way?"

After I'd had my mini pity party, complete with sad songs and tears ( necessary to cleanse the soul), I knew, as I really internally always knew, that it wasn't about "hating" me, personally.  I was just in the way. There was nothing specific to me except I was in the way of what he thought he wanted at that time. He was angry at EVERYONE who didn't pander to his imagined image, and the only people who pandered to him were the people he wore the mask for, because they only knew fake him.

The hate was not for you, the hate was for anything that, in his mind, was in the way of his  living his imagined perfect image, and that image was not based on a plan to get there, hard work or reality. It was supposed to magically appear without the MLCER doing anything to deserve it.

In my case, my MLCER could see that I worked for everything I got. When opportunities arose, I took them or passed, based on what was needed at the time. Need a new car? Pick up a contract for a few months, buy a car. Want a vacation? Sell jewelry on Etsy. I mowed, repaired, created birthday parties,  drove kids to sporting events, helped with homework, did laundry cooking, cleaning.....I did it all.  He went to work and came home and did nothing else. And I think that was the problem. He wanted to be someone other than who he was, but dId nothing to chage it. If you hate everything about yourself, and you have done NOTHING to change it, do you look at yourself and say "It's my own fault", or do you look outside yourself and say "it's everyone else's fault"? If a person chooses the latter, imo they turn the hate for their own lack of impetus onto what is external, else they would be forced to hate themselves. If the LBS were just "gone", then the MLCER would have no guilt for their actions.

Ergo, the hate is not for the LBS. And therefore not for you. You are just in the path of the Atomic Bomb fallout. The true bomb was the MLCER blowing up themselves. We are collateral damage from the fallout. We could have been anyone or thing within range.

My suggestion is to look around at those who love you. Does one person'S "hate" cancel out all the good?  Why does it matter what someone who is so obviously mentally/emotionally messed up thinks of you? Is it just that you cannot stand anyone not liking you, perhaps? Are you concerned you deserve the "hate"?  (I would laugh at that thought, btw)  Are you wanting to control the outcome? Are you afraid he really did "hate" you for 26 years ( I would also laugh at that thought)

At the end of your life, why does it matter to you that anyone would "hate" you if you know you have done nothing to deserve it? If you figure out that, then you will know where you still need to help yourself.

I love my roses, btw. I owned a "New Day" yellow rose that was incredible. But I truly love my Chrysler Imperial (red, with a scent unmatched by any other rose, imo) ,  Double Delight (red and white),  Bewitched (pink), and Voodoo (Orange).  The Chysler Imperial is 20 years old.  Will you plant other colours?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Milly

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2019, 10:28:15 AM »
Treasur I’m not necessarily ahead of you in experience but I’m in the outside. My thinking is that the message from OW triggered you and what it specifically triggered was that feeling that your H hates you because this is what you are finding hardest to accept. Not saying he really hates you which is an intense emotion if that were the case, but that he hates that you exist because you make him feel terrible for what he’s doing. He would rather not have to think about you.

OW answering for him made you assume your H is ok with this, and he coulnd’t possibly be ok with it unless he hated you. Because a message like that was hurtful and dismissive.

You were triggered - brought back temporarily to some of that initial pain. I would say accept the pain.  Tomorrow you will be stronger and in a week much stronger. Big hugs
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2019, 10:44:32 AM »
I don’t know....I would have been very discombobulated By the text, yet I thought it showed that he is indeed unwell.

 My thoughts were that it ties in very well with what you have previously written about his needing ‘scaffolding’: that he is at present - perhaps always was to some degree  - very dependent on that scaffolding, but it only really shows when the scaffolding is unsound.  I felt he is being ‘propped up’ rather than scaffolded and supported with maturity and respect.  At any rate, he isn’t being a mature adult.  How could he be if reliant upon someone who isn’t that either?

From here,  it feels like watching a lost boy.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2019, 11:01:55 AM »

From here,  it feels like watching a lost boy.
^^^^^That.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Onward

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2019, 11:25:16 AM »
Treasur I don’t feel hated at all by my MLCer. I feel dismissed and that he feels apathetic toward me. Worse than hate? They say apathy is the opposite of love. Eh, either way, we’ve lost the affection of our beloved. Honestly I just try to remember he’s in crisis and that I represent all things he wants to run away from. It does help. Knowing he’s not the same self he was. That this version doesn’t care for me, but the old, better one did. I think I’m rambling now lol.

Anyway, sorry you feel hated friend. I sure like you and think you are pretty awesome! 8)

I (loudly) echo this.


From here,  it feels like watching a lost boy.
^^^^^That.

And this

While planting roses today, I really wanted to cry but wasn't sure why.

I think this is quite normal, and quite healthy. I go through spells where I feel the same way. Not so often any more, and they don't last so long. But they definitely happen. It's generally prompted by some kind of reminder of H, memory of time with H, or just a general sense of my life is not what I thought it would be and that's because of the decisions of H.

You've clearly had a disturbing contact that has added to the sense of being disposed of. It's very unsettling to think -- or worse, be told -- that you are unwelcome and unworthy. By "her", no less.

For what it is worth, the thing that I still struggle with the most is that H could just dispose of me as he did. Toss. And walk away. And blame. That I don't even warrant a footnote in his life because "she" is everything now.

And all of the advise about focusing on you, and recognizing that this is about him running from himself and all of what we *know* are such important reminders.

But sometimes the body knows it needs to get rid of what the mind doesn't want to feel.
And tears flush those feelings away.
And that, dear Treasur, can be a very good thing.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 11:28:36 AM by Onward »
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2019, 12:09:18 PM »
Following along on your new thread T. I think that you handled the texts well - I too have in my mind written a few choice replies to the sender of the message - they don't deserve any more of your headspace. Normal people do not behave like this. Focus on you and cry it all out when you need to. I love the insight of your posts and your writing on fear has really helped me this evening as this is where I am today. Keep going, I'm going to buy a rose next week, PG xxx

Online Shelly7435

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2019, 05:18:06 PM »
Lost your thread for a minute. All caught up.
Sport you had to deal with that. You did just fine.  You are awesome.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Anon

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #27 on: March 30, 2019, 07:29:26 PM »
Quote
But I've never felt hated before.   And it is making me feel a bit yukky somehow.
You are hated by the OW for obvious reasons.  Who knows how your xh feels except your xh?   My guess is that not many MLCer's hate their spouse UNLESS they hated them before the MLC started.   Then it might make sense, but otherwise,,, they don't hate you.

Who knows how OW came to know about the texts and why she responded instead of your xh.   A dozen different possibilities there.  What matters is that she did respond, not xh, and so everything she says is filtered through HER hate for you, which thankfully you couldn't care less about.  What remains is ... who knows how your xh feels except your xh?   You will know one day when he is able to freely speak for himself.

The yukky feeling,,, just speculating and throwing out thoughts.    Did you break NC to see if anything at all had changed with him?  And when you learned nothing from him but only from OW, did it feel like breaking your NC was a waste of time and in doing so you exposed yourself to the OW abuse?   Or.... is it because with OW in his life there is truly no way for either one of you to contact the other?   Whether you had expectations or not, you are now starting over at Day 1 with the atomic no contact and do you regret that you broke it in the first place?

I'm sorry about the yukky feeling,,, that's not good.   Would building up those NC days eventually ease that yukkiness? 

I'm just tossing out my thoughts from putting myself in your shoes and wondering how I would feel myself.  ALL of those things mentioned above would have an impact on me and make me feel yukky.  You did nothing wrong or weird or anything other than understandable.  If anyone should feel yukky,, it's not you.   
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 07:38:43 PM by Anon »

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #28 on: March 30, 2019, 10:22:10 PM »
Thank you all. I have had a rough couple of days here post text, reallly knocked me back.
I'll respond to your wise points with my mental 'work in the margin' in a longer post bc it will help me and might help others, particularly those with vanishers.
But you all helped me see that there were several layers to why i was feeling how I was feeling, including all of the inconsistent bits in my own head.
Thank you.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 10:23:12 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #29 on: March 31, 2019, 03:41:01 AM »
So many monkeys...but you guys helped me see what I really feel and think and why.
And that helps me decide what to do with it.

Anjae...thank you for reminding me of the LBS basics. Quite right but easy to forget when we think we have outgrown the time when we needed them so much. But thank you bc the basics are the place to go first when we are not sure aren't they? I am grateful for the wise experience you share here.

KIT...you helped me see that it wasn't about being hated; it was about being despised and dismissed as not even entitled to speak about my own life and marriage. Which is the curse of being ignored by a vanisher. And exactly the tone of the text message claiming to speak on my xh's behalf.

SHF...such a useful reminder about assumptions. It is so tricky though bc we try not to make them yet sometimes, as in normal life, have to make a few in order to decide on what to do or not to do. In normal life of course it's not a complicated thing usually to just check our assumptions out with someone. With an MLC spouse, that's often impossible and usually futile. But it was still a timely reminder to separate facts from assumptions.

OR....I get your point about just being in the way. Most of the time that was how it felt tbh...that I was irrelevant collateral damage when my h was like a determined suicide bomber or that I was standing in front of the door he wanted to run though. And also that neither was changed in any way by my behaviour...my then ranted by emai about me delaying the divorce to hang on to him when the facts were the exact opposite, standard script of course. And your point about why it really matters to me? As I said earlier, I suspect it is not about hate but importance or significance, that I mattered and my life mattered. Ow's hate doesn't touch me at all tbh....but the echo of being dismissed as worthless and an irritating barrier speaking on his behalf, that bothered me. One of the hard truths...and I don't mean to sound self-putting, it's just been part of how it had been...is that I lost those closest to me all at once so I had no places where I was deeply loved to run to in order to counter-balance it. For a long time there was just me, Louis the cat and God. I have friends who care about me and think I am a good egg, of course I do, but I have no one left in my life who loves me deeply and knows me deeply. So I can't look around at those who love me bc they have all gone and of course that has made it much harder. Having said that, your post made me reflect that the only sane way to outwit hate and contempt is to run towards places of love and respect for yourself. Just have to figure out how to create those again!

Milly...well I think you win the 'seeing the trees for the forest' prize today! You are absolutely spot on. It WAS a trigger...bc I expected no reply and certainly not from ow, bc the tone was so patronising and dismissive. And yes, bc that fear is the biggest remaining residue for me. Idk if it is hate actually. I suspect it is more about being insignificant and being despised by him. And yes, it absolutely flipped me right back to that old feeling of helplessness and bewilderment in the face of being so completely ignored by my then h. It was a loud echo. Do I think he hated/hates me? Truthfully, there was a few months in late 2016/early 2017 when it felt like that, around the time of death threats and my cancer treatment. His silence was full of rage. Before that, it felt like fear. After that, it felt like a mix of guilt and frustration about what he called 'the silly mess'....and yes, his desire to 'move on' without having to look back so just wanting me to go pffft and disappear.

Nerissa....yes, without monkey braining too much about either him, her or their relationship, it wasn't a normal response to a simple neutral birthday wish. No idea whose design it was, but it was very weird and a bit ridiculous. So, yes, he is evidently still not operating as a mature emotionally healthy adult. And yes, her/their scaffolding isn't very mature or emotionally healthy either. But that is their business. The 'lost boy' idea? Not sure why you thought that but interested to hear more. Instinctively it sort of rang true. Was he always? Maybe...but just had better quality more respectful less controlling scaffolding with more adult expectations probably.

Onward...yes, unwelcome and unworthy indeed. And it prodded a lot of mind monkeys about just how involved ow was in blowing my life up behind the scenes before I even knew she existed and just how much information about me my then h shared. It is a very uncomfortable kind of betrayal, much worse for me actually and surprisingly than the sexual betrayal, to know that my h was probably talking ABOUT me while refusing to talk tO me, and giving another woman a voice and vote in my life and our marriage while deciding to ignore mind. No wonder it was a trigger. I felt a kind of physical revulsion actually and it was nice to delete it. And very disappointing that as soon as I tried trusting my xh with a way to contact me, she started her game up again and he did not protect me from that...

Philly...thank you for the reminder that yes, normal people don't act this way. Maybe a bit of me hoped that now he has what he wanted and after months of NC, he would be closer to being a normal healthy human again. Evidently not. But I'm glad my witterings here have been useful to you.

Shelly...thank you for the vote of confidence.

Anon...such wise words...who knows if there will ever be a time when my xh will speak freely? None of this insane mess has ever made much sense to me but it is clear that I was treated as some kind of enemy by my then n regardless of anything I said or did. And tbh, given other events, I was remarkably controlled in my responses and never (once the real BD of divorce was announced) tried to fight him, delay it or hurt him back. Made no difference to an MLC divorce process of course lol. And yeah, you're right....the yukky feeling has two parts...the trigger feelings I've already mentioned and my own feeling of stupidity in breaking NC. Bc if I had not done so, this would not have happened and I would not have had this couple of grim days. And I didn't rush into it....so did I misinterpret what I thought God was telling me? Or twist it? Or was I just an idiot to go against the overpowering logic of NC in my situation given past events? Do I feel guilty for exposing myself to the crazy s$it again? Or ashamed of not being smarter or stronger? Maybe, truthfully. It does seem as if it was a mistake. Well, for me anyway. And I feel ashamed too probably that it hurt and distressed me as much as it did bc I thought I had progressed further than that. And I am wondering if I had an unconscious agenda that I didn't see but should have seen. So, yup, part of the yukky is the combo of being talked to like an irritating stalker by ow mixed with feeling a bit pathetic maybe for breaking NC and how that makes me look. And realising that whilst I am proud to have survived, I have not yet built a new me that I feel proud about as I used to.

So...lots of stuff there...first rule = do nothing.
But I will post a follow on about what, if anything, I want to do.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 03:43:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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