Author Topic: Discussion Old Timers thread 5  (Read 5332 times)

Offline Anjae

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Discussion Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #110 on: June 03, 2019, 03:50:35 PM »
Lack of respect is the number one thing with MLCers. Everything they do lacks respect for LBS, children and even themselves. I don't find it interesting, I find it sad that MLCers have no respect for the LBS.

For me, a person who does not respect me is not worthy of my love. Let alone of being in my life.

RCR used to have somewhere that women want love and men want respect. Love, for me, has no value unless it includes respect. I rather be respected than loved.

The real Mr J was  kind, thoughtful, helpful, considerate, generous. As well as smart and funny and we were both on the same page. The MLC person? Nasty, selfish, unkind, disrespectful, a ball of never ending anger without a sense of humour. I also have no desire to interact with MLC Mr J. There is nothing there but a dark, deep, black hole of rage.

The funny thing, or maybe not, is that he deslikes I am not a raging ball. How dare I to smile and be happy go lucky?  ::)
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 03:51:48 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline HeartTattoo

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #111 on: June 04, 2019, 04:14:48 AM »
Lack of respect is the number one thing with MLCers. Everything they do lacks respect for LBS, children and even themselves. I don't find it interesting, I find it sad that MLCers have no respect for the LBS.

XYZ,

I am sorry your recent contact with your H has once again hurt you. I think you always expect him to behave better than he is capable of (or chooses to be). You reset your boundaries to once again allow these contacts, but he ends up disappointing.

I know there is a book out there about Love Languages. Never read it, but absorbed some of it I guess from articles about it. You've always mentioned the lovely gifts he brings on these occasions. I wonder, if in your Love Language you see these gifts as signs of love & respect, & then are hurt & confused when his behavior isn't congruent.

But, in his Love Language the gifts carry a different meaning. Not consciously, of course. Maybe as peace offerings, maybe just to have the hit of endorphins when you are delighted, maybe out of some sense of guilt. IDK But I would bet they don't carry the same meaning for both of you.

Hugs,
HT
Detach and Survive: A Book of Self-Care for the Wives of Midlife Crisis Men
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Susan Anderson
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw
The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

M'ed 41 years
BD-Jan 2013
Legally separated Feb 2013
D'ed without my consent July 2015
H M'ed OW Sept 2015

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #112 on: June 04, 2019, 05:17:48 AM »
Dear Xyzcf,

I am so sorry for you situation. Your ex is off because he lost his moral compass. I don't know him and have never met him. However, his actions show contempt towards you.

I can't say for sure, but I bet top dollar you push the shopping cart to the return cart or to the front of the store.

If you have a basket of items, you don't go to the express lane to get ahead. You don't just go to church, your actions are those of a Christian.

Does your h follow the rules? Does he care? From what I gather, he just accumulates wealth and that is his measurement of success. Succeed at all costs and get ahead by making as much as you can.

John Gardner wrote a book titled, "Grendel" and the book is written from the monster's point of view. In the book, Grendel searches out the dragon to discovery the meaning of life. The dragon tells him his purpose is to gather as much gold as he can and sit on it. Burn anyone that tries to get his gold. He tells Grendel that he would be happy if he just went and started getting gold and sitting on it too.

My opinion is that your H is the dragon.

Somewhere along the line, he lost his values while you retained yours. When he rejected his values, he rejected you as well.

Now, he sees you as failure because you still have your values while he has none. From his view, he is success because he has the gold and you are the failure because you don't.

That's why he holds you in contempt.

Just my opinion,

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready



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Offline xyzcf

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #113 on: June 04, 2019, 06:03:28 AM »
Thanks all. As we grown and learn from one another, our experiences, always cognizant that each one of us is different in our interactions with our spouses.

I do want to clarify something. I do not pursue him. I respond when he contacts. We continue to contact one another on holidays and special days of remembrance such as each of our parent's anniversaries of their deaths. That has been constant.

I know that some of you think I am wrong, that I need to cut him off completely. I disagree with that, for me in my situation. I feel that healing has occurred when I am able to see him or have contact with him without it causing me to fall completely apart as it once did.....I have come a long way in that regard. Not acknowledging his existence is to me denying something that is real..he is real, I prefer (and again that is my choice) that if at all possible, that we can have some kind of relationship with one another. I believe he is in crisis and he has all the freedom he could possibly have, I ask nothing from him.....to understand that he is a mess, and accept that is important to me. I will not turn my back on him.

He doesn't want to be married to me. But he has shown over and over again, that he also is not able to cut me out of his life.

I brought up the "respect" topic, because I had honestly never seen it this way and it helps me to understand even more, the complete change in who he once was....the better I understand, the easier it is for me.

Ready, you made me laugh:
Quote
I can't say for sure, but I bet top dollar you push the shopping cart to the return cart or to the front of the store.

I follow the rules, that is for sure...

Quote
he just accumulates wealth and that is his measurement of success.


I think it is also very much about being in charge, powerful, a big shot.

Quote
Somewhere along the line, he lost his values while you retained yours. When he rejected his values, he rejected you as well.

In the process of all this, my values and my faith have become deeper and more important to me.

Heart tattoo,

His love language is Gift giving. Mine are Acts of Service and Physical Affection. He has always given me thoughtful and beautiful gifts..I am smiling as I remember, a fringed suede jacket a la Crosby Stills Nash and Young for my 50th birthday (if you knew me you'd get it), having a kick ass stereo installed in my little Honda Civic and when I got into my car, a cassette tape with he and our daughter singing "Happy Birthday" to me......cloths which each time I wear something he has given me people comment, that is suits so much.....

My life is really good now and like I said, I am not looking for advice...this concept of respect was for me such a big thing and the cascade effect was that I could look back over the last 10 years and see that this was something that had changed greatly and I had not thought about it in those terms before.

They don't show us respect...I should have known that all along but somehow I didn't.

Off to golf on a beautiful day. God bless each of you and thank you for your kind words from all over the world.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline OldPilotTopic starter

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #114 on: June 04, 2019, 09:54:31 AM »
I feel that healing has occurred when I am able to see him or have contact with him without it causing me to fall completely apart as it once did.....I have come a long way in that regard.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with this and I do think it is where we all need to get to - this point.

Offline hawk

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #115 on: June 15, 2019, 07:23:35 AM »

Personally these days l think l will never recover in some ways but l certainly have in others, but l still get relapses .
l think for us that had an om or ow involved, it's a whole nother scenario, especially if they stay together or worse, bloody go marry them. Even if we have someone else now , that was legit , and after we were thrown away and fired and went through the hell we did , it's a whole nother animal entirely .

l'm amazed though these days that l might pick up my d or drop her off, often ex meets us up the corner , she;ll be in her car me mine , do you know l often forget to acknowledge her or even look over.
l'm usually seeing my d get out the other side and we're sayin goodbye and then l'm off. Sometimes l'll realize half way home later l didn't even look up or wave to ex,
And then l get thinking at how just incredible all this is and that l just drove off from the woman l spent 19yrs of my life with, without even bothering to look up.

But whenever l do remember and think oh , shyt, spose l better wave to ex, she's always watching and has a big smile and wave for me . Suppose that's better than a hating ex right.
But when l do think about it l often wonder what she's thinking, l know she def' notices when l forget and just drive off. And l wonder does our life together flash before her liike it often does with me, does it even exist did it even happen am l anyone at all these days to her, don't you ever think about stuff like that.
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Offline Treasur

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #116 on: June 15, 2019, 07:32:47 AM »
Don't think it will ever entirely stop being surreal, hawk.
We're no longer reeling in shock but let's face it, we're here bc something very weird happened in our lives and to our spouses. There is no closure entirely on the WTF happened feeling...even if we do a fine job of moving forward from it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline hawk

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #117 on: June 15, 2019, 04:11:10 PM »
Don't think it will ever entirely stop being surreal, hawk.
We're no longer reeling in shock but let's face it, we're here bc something very weird happened in our lives and to our spouses. There is no closure entirely on the WTF happened feeling...even if we do a fine job of moving forward from it.

Yeah with ya on that one treas. l mean really , l'm one of the lucky ones in  that way l pretty well got most of my answers and l can message ex any time or vice verse , wave to each other, she even looks happy to see me, we'll still chat sometimes. But l can only do that totally blocking what happened, yaknow, whatever gets ya through right. Well that gets me through , even now after all this time, l still need to sometimes or l brush off thinking about it when it does pop into my head.
We need to keep something civil for my daughter, but at the same time it's still to this day really effg weird to be like that with ex.
l don't hate her or anything, l was a big part in us breaking up, she went through a lotta crap with me, but it was the giving up on our fAmily and me willing to fix my crap, and the om , none of it had to be like this, we could've worked it out, It's all that stuff that still there if l let it be. And the way she changed and things she did.
She still insists she didn't quit on us , on our family , but l've said yes you did, you just quit on it all and our vows. She almost goes into tears when l still stand firm on that to this day, but that's the way l see it.










« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 04:15:41 PM by hawk »
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

 

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