[Thunder]

After reading his response, I have to agree with treasur on this.

I found the letter from her H to be pretty telling, as to where he found himself at that time, and regrets it.  I don't see much negative in the letter.  He explained a lot of how he was feeling then and how he sees the err of his ways, that hurt her and the family.  He apologized for it all.  There was no sweeping it under the rug.  First step?

Limitless, how did you honestly feel after reading that?  Did it help you at all?
Of course there are no actions from him to make up for what he did, it just shows he FEELS remorse.
Do you feel that way too?

It doesn't sound like he wants to reconcile...and maybe it is to ease his conscience, but maybe right now that's all he can give you, an explanation and an apology.  Own what he did.

In my own personal opinion, of it were my H writing this, it would make me feel good he took the time to explain things, even the part about truly loving you (at least you know you were right he did), but also sad that it doesn't seem he wants to reconcile.  At least not yet.

Is that how you feel, Limitless?

Does that mean you have to be friends with him?  Of course not.

[Airmid]

I told him that I needed him to own what he had done and apologize.

Limitless - I am glad you got that letter. 
Do I think the letter is sincere?  Yes.

Some have commented that this letter would not be enough for them - or doubted the sincerity.
Is it everything anyone could ever hope for - probably not if what is hoped for is reparations or reconciliation.
It is complete in terms of what Limitless asked for - he owned what he has done and he apologized.

I personally have often wished for and thought about what I would want in an apology letter.
In the beginning  years, I would have wanted an apology and a return to our marriage.
Then I would have wanted an apology and an opportunity to tell my xH how much he hurt me.
An opportunity I didn't get because he became a practical vanisher.

I think had I gotten an apology somewhere in the first few years - it would have helped me heal better.
But now - at this point - I am not sure it would do anything.
I have done my healing on my own - without contact from my xH.
And a couple of years ago I realized - there was nothing that my xH could say that would take away the pain I experienced right after BD. 
I am pretty much healed from the trauma and pain of BD, and my marriage suddenly dissolving.
I have examined myself and changed since BD, becoming a stronger and more independent person.
I am no longer grieving - no salve is needed at this time.
So for me (and I am only talking about my own personal reaction) at this point in time an apology might be "nice"  but not necessary. 

Limitless wanted the apology and to know her xH accepted his responsibility in the breakup of the marriage.
And I do understand needing that.  Fortunately she got a reply that exceeded her expectations.
I hope this letter she received will bring some healing and closure to a painful period in her life.

[limitless]

Hi Limitless

I found that quite hard to read and rather emotional. Some of it was identical to things my H has said to me!

It does sound like he’s still running away though and still avoiding looking at himself! So has a different life so he can pretend to be that new person!

Thank you for sharing

X

When I first came to this site, I was a few months post BD and not sleeping very much....I think we all can remember those days.  I spent hours reading the posts and others stories.  It gave me a glimpse of what I was facing, although, at the time, I didn't want to believe that my situation could last for years.  (I say that with a touch of a smile - as I had absolutely no idea at all how long this type of crisis could possibly last). 

I always thought that, regardless of how my story went, I would come here and post it....maybe it would help others here that are just at the beginning of this crap to see that they really need to move forward and live their lives - as their spouses (or ex-spouses) are lost and will be that way for a very, very long time. 

Do I think he is still running?  Sure - probably.  I do think that he's looked at himself more than he has ever....I think he is a broken, old man.  And, I think it is very sad.  Sad for our family, sad for me, and ultimately sad for him.

Hugs,

L

[serenity]

Limitless

I agree with what you said about them being sad, broken old men and in my H’s case in very poor health.

I do think it’s very important that you come back and tell us where you are and what’s happening in your world.

In the early days when my pain was raw, I would always read your posts and take comfort from them and admired your strength

Hugs

X

[limitless]

Limitless, how did you honestly feel after reading that?  Did it help you at all?
Of course there are no actions from him to make up for what he did, it just shows he FEELS remorse.
Do you feel that way too?

I am going through quite a bit of emotion.  Most of it is sadness, for the loss of what once was. 
I don't need any "actions" from him.  Nor do I want any.  After all these years - he is a stranger to me. 
I just saw that he was writing me these superficial words (in his first email) - like all was well and he just wanted to send me some nice words....and I wanted none of that.
I asked for an apology and he sent me one. 
I do believe that he regrets and feels remorse.
I believe that none of it panned out the way he had wanted.
And I believe that some (or much) of the email was him attempting to release himself of the guilt that he feels...that this email was as much as for him, as he thought it was for me.

It doesn't sound like he wants to reconcile...and maybe it is to ease his conscience, but maybe right now that's all he can give you, an explanation and an apology.  Own what he did.

In my own personal opinion, of it were my H writing this, it would make me feel good he took the time to explain things, even the part about truly loving you (at least you know you were right he did), but also sad that it doesn't seem he wants to reconcile.  At least not yet.

Is that how you feel, Limitless?

Does that mean you have to be friends with him?  Of course not.

Reconcile?  No.  Nothing like that at all.  Just an old man, full of regret.  For himself?  Absolutely!  For his family?  Yes...and regret for me, as well...

I'm guessing that he spends quite a bit of time thinking about what happened....I should say - what he did.  It didn't just happen, like an accident happens. 

Friends?  I could never see him as a friend of mine...ever. 

We do have 3 kids together.  And that will never change. 

I am not sure how I feel exactly.  A bit empty, I guess.  Sad, absolutely! 

And very glad not to be him.

L

[Treasur]

Thank you for sharing it and your feelings and thoughts about it.
I'm sure that Air is quite right...that our need for these things and our reaction to them changes over time.
It is sad. For everyone affected in different ways.
I wonder actually, reading your response, if it is one of these reasons why even years later some LBS would welcome reconciliation bc it feels like a way to make something good from a sad, tragic waste of good things. Otherwise I suppose, like it sounds you do, we just have to accept how sad it is, how little we could do, how grateful we are to no longer be battered by it and count the blessings we have. But still feel sad now and then about it all.

[Thunder]

Limitless, I can understand your feelings.

Yes it may be to alleviate some guilt, but it would still, in my heart, make me feel better to get an apology and at least SOME explanation.
Many do not get even close to that.

The sad thing is, regardless of any thing he said, he still broke up a family unit.  No words can ever replace that.  No amount of remorse can fix that.
So I understand the empty feeling too.

Hugs

[Mitzpah]

Limitless,

I wrote on your thread too.

I don't need any "actions" from him.  Nor do I want any.  After all these years - he is a stranger to me. 
I just saw that he was writing me these superficial words (in his first email) - like all was well and he just wanted to send me some nice words....and I wanted none of that.
I asked for an apology and he sent me one. 
I do believe that he regrets and feels remorse.
I believe that none of it panned out the way he had wanted.
And I believe that some (or much) of the email was him attempting to release himself of the guilt that he feels...that this email was as much as for him, as he thought it was for me.

>snip<


Reconcile?  No.  Nothing like that at all.  Just an old man, full of regret.  For himself?  Absolutely!  For his family?  Yes...and regret for me, as well...

I'm guessing that he spends quite a bit of time thinking about what happened....I should say - what he did.  It didn't just happen, like an accident happens. 

Friends?  I could never see him as a friend of mine...ever. 

We do have 3 kids together.  And that will never change. 

I am not sure how I feel exactly.  A bit empty, I guess.  Sad, absolutely! 

And very glad not to be him.

L

I agree with that L, it probably worked out comforting him more than anything else.

Yes, like you, we have three kids together and that won't change. I attempt to keep on friendly terms with him for that reason alone. I am his friend, however, he is not currently my friend even if he thinks he is.

Just saw this

I wonder actually, reading your response, if it is one of these reasons why even years later some LBS would welcome reconciliation bc it feels like a way to make something good from a sad, tragic waste of good things. Otherwise I suppose, like it sounds you do, we just have to accept how sad it is, how little we could do, how grateful we are to no longer be battered by it and count the blessings we have. But still feel sad now and then about it all.

Yes, that does explain the way I feel

[limitless]

Treasur,

I think that what you have said is the kicker to me of all of this.

"how little we could do"

Exactly!

While I was a "great mother and wife"....yet he betrayed and abandoned me!  No pity party here.  Just putting those words together to see how totally illogical they are!

Sure...we could have been different,  I could have been better to him, nicer to him, more supportive of him, more understanding....Except for maybe releasing the guilt that I carry - it wouldn't have made any difference.

There was very little we could do....if anything at all.

L

[xyzcf]

Thank you for sharing his letter to you. I found myself nodding as he explained some of his feelings regarding his crisis, a sense that he couldn't stop what happened and the acknowledgement that you were a wonderful wife and mother, that he loved you.

Yes, there is some "I couldn't help what happened" to his apology...but I have long learned that sometimes this is the best they are able to give..because they truly are sad and broken people.

These two quotes struck me the most:

maybe it would help others here that are just at the beginning of this crap to see that they really need to move forward and live their lives - as their spouses (or ex-spouses) are lost and will be that way for a very, very long time. 

Do I think he is still running?  Sure - probably.  I do think that he's looked at himself more than he has ever....I think he is a broken, old man.  And, I think it is very sad.  Sad for our family, sad for me, and ultimately sad for him.

I remember all the hours/days/weeks spent looking at every  nuance of every action or inaction, every word said.....I don't know how I could have broken that, for it was not healthy to focus so much on things I had no control over and the guessing whether something meant anything consumed me, as you all know.

I think DGU had the best approach, whenever Trusting or I would bring up something that was said or done he'd look at us, shrug and say, he's still in crisis.

What we had no clue of is how long crisis can last...also, I guess I believed that there was some reassurance that eventually the crisis would end...certainly some of their behaviors will calm down and I guess you can say they are "out of their crisis" but have been irrevocably changed, as we have been irrevocably changed.

I cannot really judge my husband's life..it doesn't look very satisfying to me ...I know that in the long run, I am grateful to be who I am in this mess, grateful that I have not done any of the things he did to destroy our family.

Good to hear from you!