[in it]

I have to agree xy
It's all about respect.
It's not good to let others get comfortable disrespecting us.
You cannot demand respect but you can refused to be disrespected.
And it might be better for you if you do not send him anything. That way he cannot be dismissive of how you might be feeling or going through.

If he makes an attempt at contact , you can decide what you want to do then.

[Anjae]

The lack of respect Mr J start to show towards me even before he left, and has been showing since, is one of the most off putting things for me. If not the most.

If you think your husband does not shows you respect, why do you still allow him to spend time with you? Shouldn't respect start with you?

I don't see sending three words after being told someone died as a silent treatment or lack of respect. Maybe because all I would say would be "I am so sorry for your loss" or something equally short.

[Thunder]

I am truly, truly sorry xyzcf.

Sweetie, why would you worry if HE is done with YOU?
You maybe should be done with him.

After he divorced you, after 9 years, you sounded strong and said no more contact like you were having before, the gifts and spending time together..yet you allowed it once again.

Xyzcf, you know how much I care about you.  This is not a crashing down 2x4, it is just a gentle, loving reality check.
He just slides right back into cake eating once again.

That has been his MO for a long time.  I think your D saw it a long time ago.  He is giving you crumbs. Stop accepting them.  Just stop.

If you need to talk I'm here for you.  Believe me I KNOW how hard this is. 

{{{Big Hug}}}

[xyzcf]

His response of three words are not the cause of what led to the discussion of the lack of respect with my therapist..but a cascade of years of stuff that my therapist and I have uncovered...like peeling an onion, there are layers and layers.

Another thing that helped me a great deal, that took pressure off me was when my therapist made the comment that "I can choose to see him or not. That is my choice and it can change from one time to another".

I am feeling vulnerable right now. 5 people I am close to have died in less than one year. I am experiencing health problems and I am overwhelmed sometimes by trying to take care of my house, especially this time of year. My dog is getting old and is also not doing so well.

I know why I continue to see him. It is complicated and has a multiple of reasons, none of which I need to justify to any one on HS. 

I didn't write here today for "advice"...I thought maybe others might also see this lack of respect as an interesting observation...it might apply to someone else ( in it seems to get it). Those of us who have spent years, have a different set of circumstances to deal with.

Those who have their MLCer living with them or who have returned to live with them....I do not see people asking them why they continue to "see" their husbands...even when their relationships are less than ideal.

The one main factor is and always will be what Christ told us ...to love one another as I have loved you, including those who are your enemy, especially those who hurt you......I try to live that way with everyone, including the man I still love and probably always will.

[Trustandlove]

I get it about the lack of respect.  I also get it about choosing to see him, I did so with mine for many years, and very likely still would do so if he were to contact me.   I also get it about loving him.

I remember years ago saying to my H that I couldn't make him do anything, but that I could take myself out of a situation where I wasn't respected.

The one thing I don't do right now is contact him, about anything -- including anything to do with our now technically adult children, even things that parents "should" be in touch about.   The times we have had contact before the last few years I did find myself enforcing boundaries, for lack of a better word -- not the kind we first think of, where we'd say we won't do a while they are doing b, but correcting things that are untrue with the basic words of "you know that's not true", that kind of thing.  More specifically, saying no, you aren't, when he tried to say that he was always there as a father. 

My reasons for not contacting are basically about respect; I wasn't being shown any, not even courtesy, so I realised that if there was anything he wanted from me about the children or anything else, it really was up to him.  It was a pattern that had been repeated many times over the years; there was one specific incident where not even common courtesy was observed that made me sadly come to the conclusion that I would no longer be sending him anything to do with the children. 

My children don't initiate contact with him; they respond with something very basic if he contacts them. 

Were he to contact me I am sure I would be polite even in the face of monster, and if my past experience is any guide I would also be compassionate if he were to say something was wrong.  I have no idea what might make him be in touch, however, so I will have to trust that I will know how to respond if that happens. 

[Songanddance]

The day after, when I sent him a message informing him of a death in the family I received a very curt and cold 3 word response. A couple of days later, he send me a TED talk about happiness...I respond with a few comments, no response.

This shows a complete lack of empathy on his behalf.  It also shows avoidance and possibly not through the tunnel even yet.  If he avoids showing empathy but then sends something about happiness it is definitely something about him.

Yes your T nailed it and I am going to ask another question - "what are your values?"

If one of your values is to "be respected" then you ask for it.  If he can't at least acknowledge that in a true sense then you will know.

Thunder is correct though - it is a question of you being done with him rather than wondering if he is done with you.

[Treasur]

I am so sorry, xyz, that a series of recent life events have left you feeling a bit low.
And of course you don't have to justify yourself to anyone at all including us.
You will continue to work on your own healing and rebuilding as you have done and your choices will evolve as part of your own path.

Respect is a funny incredibly important thing isn't it? Often one we take for granted until being disrespected repeatedly starts to really bite. For me, in many ways I think it is a cornerstone of many other good things...kindness, patience, love, grace, empathy. Unless we can see someone as a human worthy of respect just as a human first, people just become objects or commodities or servants to our needs.

In a way which is quite hard to explain, there is a kind of disrespect which almost denies someone else's existence I think. Certainly it felt like that to me sometimes on the receiving end. I can't make someone see me as a person not an object, let alone as a person worth valuing....and if they don't they are unlikely to treat me with respect and I can't change that either.

In my own case, there seemed to be a point when my h simply decided that my thoughts, feelings and even my life were simply irrelevant to him. Which is rather awful and says much more about him than me....but my feeling was that it was futile to interact at all with someone who acted that way. How can you possibly have a conversation or make an agreement if someone else sees your part as worth nothing at all? For me, NC was accepting that this was probably how he felt bc it was consistently how he behaved and it damaged me to experience being treated with not even basic respect or hoping it would change. But it was a very peculiar kind of realisation, rather horrible to accept, and took me quite a long time to swallow. I guess one of my values is that showing and being treated with basic respect as a human being is actually very important to me.

[Nerissa]

I have long been sensitive to the "silent treatment"..when my dad would do that to my mom, it would cause me great distress. In our marriage, when Mr. xyzcf would not talk to me, I would automatically think he was mad at me for something and didn't know what it was I had done.....it's my own pattern I g

I think quite a few of us do this - look for the cause in ourselves.  I think it originates in a certain lack of self esteem.  Our spouses allow and encourage it.  Some of us are in caring professions - you are a nurse and trained to know what patients will need before they know it themselves sometimes, and they may not always be behaving at their best.  It all leads to a tendency to put ourselves last and not demand the respect we deserve.

your discussions with your T sound helpful.  I don’t think spouses always realise quite how disrespectful they are.  I remember texting mine to say that another man had said H ‘should see me doing (x activity) because if he saw how competent I was he might ‘learn some respect’.  H was horrified (year I travelled right through the text 😆 and thereafter often mentioned respect and was more self aware.  So maybe a short conversation might raise awareness.  After all, you have nothing to lose as you are always polite.

[OldPilot]

In my own case, there seemed to be a point when my h simply decided that my thoughts, feelings and even my life were simply irrelevant to him. Which is rather awful and says much more about him than me....but my feeling was that it was futile to interact at all with someone who acted that way. How can you possibly have a conversation or make an agreement if someone else sees your part as worth nothing at all? For me, NC was accepting that this was probably how he felt bc it was consistently how he behaved and it damaged me to experience being treated with not even basic respect or hoping it would change. But it was a very peculiar kind of realisation, rather horrible to accept, and took me quite a long time to swallow. I guess one of my values is that showing and being treated with basic respect as a human being is actually very important to me.

I think that you need to get to a point that it does not matter and that more or less you feel the same way about them.
Having just spent a few hours with my ex at my grand daughters birthday this weekend, we are like two ships passing in the night.

We have common children and grandchildren, memories of things gone by, but their is literally no connection.
I refuse to pursue at all, even to the point of giving a hug, let her initiate that if she chooses.

I guess having history is hard to ignore but complete detachment still seems like the best course of strategy.

I have one more major event to get through with my daughter getting married in September.
And all the associated events.

Of course, it helps that my ex lives 1200 miles away, and is only here on various special events.
Its her loss - not mine.

[LearningIamOk]

Respect is SO important. Not just in a marriage, but every day life. Friends, family, jobs, etc. My xH had no respect for me, ever. After the D, my friends finally started telling me how disrespectful xH was to me. I don't know why he didn't respect me, but I will never tolerate that again.

My boyfriend is so kind, thoughtful, helpful, considerate, everything xH was not. I now know what a normal relationship feels like. I haven't had any contact for nearly a year and haven't seen xH for nearly 3 years. Of course, it's the annual get-the-declaration-page so I know the life insurance he is supposed to carry with me as the beneficiary is there. He will wait for me to contact him, just like every year, even tho' it says in the divorce decree he needs to send it. I think it's his final act of control making me ask for it.

I have no desire to interact with him. I no longer care why he walked out. It's the best thing that could have happened to me.