Author Topic: My Story Finding joy in the midst of heartache!  (Read 1484 times)

Offline OffRoad

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My Story Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #70 on: July 13, 2019, 08:42:22 PM »
He came in later and said, I grossly miscalculated how hard this would be on you, he mustered up two pats on my back and left.
I have no words for this. "I grossly miscalculated how hard this would be on you"? What did he think, you would shake hands and go your separate ways?

Quote
So for me, the pendulum has not settled into the middle zone.  At first I only believed in who he had been all those years, I could not accept this was my h.  For now, the h I was married to for all of those years has been blocked out.  I only see this man who has hurt me to my core.  A man that I cannot trust in any way.  At some point I may be able to step back and observe, but for now my posture is defensive.  Like I am the prey and I need to hide to protect myself.  Haha....victim anyone?  But, that is how it feels.  I think I’m scared of him.  Of what he has become, of how far he will take his nastiness.  He has decided to cover over who he really is lately with this pretend nice guy charm.

All I see is sh*t covered in whip cream. 💩
You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of the children. End of statement. Whatever it is that you need to do, and that includes phoning from the room upstairs when he is downstairs, is what you do. This helps in many ways. If you wish to stand, it keeps you from saying things you might not mean to say, reacting  in a way you do not wish to react and lessening your pain level. And if you do not wish to stand, it does the same thing, so no down point. I actually told my XH once that seeing him was hurtful to me at that time and I preferred not to see him unless I had to. He said he could see that. I went several months without seeing him or speaking with him at all, so when it came to the point where he (finally) signed the house over to me and we had to meet for a notary, I could handle it without becoming a puddle.While my XH was living in the house for 18 months after BD, I could not heal. Just couldn't, as he was always THERE.

It's not being a victim to take care of your own needs.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #71 on: July 13, 2019, 08:44:08 PM »
FJ,

Before I got the job I have now (and I freely admit now I placed too much of me into work) there was a VERY difficult 5-6 years where I worked for a real jerk-terror. It was horrible.
Thru that ordeal, I learned this: "The only person who can take my smile, is me". That became by outlook, philosophy, and attitude. It drove my terrible boss INSANE!!! He ended up retiring in disgrace and I took over. Things have been incredible ever since.

This MLC thing broke me in a way I could never have imagined..... and once again those words have returned with a vengeance: "The ONLY person, who can take my smile..... is me". 
W is confused by my cheerfulness...... she gets angry at my calmness.....
So too will your H. It robs them of their power.

When I stumble and W clobbers me on the head.... it's when I have doubt, when I have fear, when I lose control over myself.
It's the same for all of them!!!! Pain, anger, negativity, doubt, hurt.... it fuels them, and they have a turbo charger in that MLC engine.

Stay strong, you're doing amazing. He's going to need to break down beside the road. Work on your tow truck..... when it finally happens you can take the job, or not.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #72 on: July 13, 2019, 09:19:24 PM »
Thanks guys.  I have been crying all evening, but it feels nowhere near as bad as it used to.  So I guess even when we cycle it gets easier and easier. 

You all have some really valid points!  I need to find my joy, find my strength, continue to distance myself and prepare for a battle.

I am 38, but tonight I feel like a scared child.  All of my hopes and dreams feel shattered.  I know they can be rebuilt in time.  I do not feel strong, but rather all alone. 

He did text that I could take the kids to TX for thanksgiving, so that is good news.  This is not how I pictured my life...

He said that there are several jobs available in the area we used to live in TX and that he plans to get penciled in to get stationed there in two years. 

How can this be happening, how did he become this person?  I think I am moving into full blown pity party mode now.  I am going to need to find a lawyer.  This is way too much adulting....
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #73 on: July 14, 2019, 01:24:53 AM »
You are still early on. I know you count the months and think it's been a long time, but it really hasn't. I didn't start to feel normal for about 2 years (granted he was at home for 18 months). Everything you believed in just blew up and that is very hard to deal with, along with kids, planning holidays, school, figuring out how to make yourself mighty (to coin a term). It's not the adulting, it's the absolute overwhelm of EVERYTHING! Your kids now look to YOU to be the sane parent, because their father is not. They can see that, and need you to be the stable one. That's just HARD when you are still wobbly yourself. Mine were older and some of the hardest things I ever did were when I needed to suck it up and be the parent and not care if they "liked" me or not. My kids and I have great relationships, but we've had more issues in the past four years than EVER in our lives. And it's all due to MLC and entitled Dad and the kids trying to push boundaries, even though now D22 is moved out and making her own way, and S20 is living with his dad while going to school. Every time he comes home it's a week to get him to stop being a jerk, but he still comes home.

Hang in there. . It just takes that four letter word - Time. You will heal as fast as you heal, and it's OK to feel sad and angry and scared. Let the feelings pass through so you don't get stuck in any specific emotion. You are not alone, even though it sometimes feels that way.

((Hugs))
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #74 on: July 14, 2019, 02:07:49 AM »
I'm sorry, FJ....everything you feel is spot on Normal. And as OR says being the only adult with so much uncertain and incomprehensible stuff going on is hard.
It seems that most push hard for a divorce for two main reasons...they want money or have made promises to an ow. Or both.

The good news...and you probably need some...is that if I remember right divorcing in FL is better for you? And awful as it is, it does remove some of the limbo and help you plan independently. Yes, you need a lawyer and yes, you can behave however you want towards your h...what is he going to do after all, leave you?  ::) going through a divorce tbh is probably the very time when saying less gives you power anyway...let your L speak for you. And assume your h will be an a$$hat in the process bc most MLCers are. And if it helps too, most LBS looking back say they should have divorced earlier bc it protected them and made no difference to the outcome of their spouses crisis, good or bad.

I never imagined I would want a divorce...but I am here to tell you that there is a point when you just get tired of nasty crazy stuff and people, when you want to be free of things you can't change, when you crave peace and normality most of all....and there is plenty of evidence here that divorce gets outpunched by MLC...they are no magically better after it and any recovery happens or not regardless. It will get better. You will feel better. There is life on the other side x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #75 on: July 14, 2019, 06:03:28 AM »
They you so much for your comforting words Treasure and OffRoad.  I don’t have many words today.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #76 on: July 14, 2019, 07:03:52 AM »
That's ok, friend. We get it.
Let yourself feel what you feel. Like swimming in rough water.
We're here and we won't let you go under x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #77 on: July 14, 2019, 07:46:47 AM »
I remember screaming at my brother over the phone "I don't know what to do with the pain".
It struck me with surprise, nothing I have ever experienced before.

I am thinking today, our bodies are incredible. This "shut down" that I felt at my worst, was my body's way of turning itself off, so it could heal.

One day, I laid on my couch in a ball and didn't move. I could not even pray which had helped me so many times before.

Findingjoy, this is horrible to live through. I can't really give you anything to help other than knowing that so many people here have gone through it and that little by little, we become whole again.

If you can, try and get some exercise today...a walk in a beautiful place. Look around you at the flowers and the trees, feel the  air moving, hear the birds, breath slowly and deeply. Touch the grass, with your bare feet if possible....taste some ice cream..let every sense in you "feel" something other than pain.

My therapist taught me to freeze frame the situation and then turn down the volume, turn down the sound of the hurt, turn down the color, make him small in my head and then make him even smaller...turn down the volume, replace it with something else for now.

As you make a plan of what you will do to protect yourself and your family, you will feel a strength that will motivate you to move in a direction that is best for you.

I had to see the legal stuff from a different perspective, taking my emotion out of the picture and looking at it as a business transaction, one that was vital to my future.

I only got one shot at it and I needed to make sure that I obtained the best settlement possible.

We are here for you..thinking and praying about you today...reach out when you feel like it..be gentle with yourself.

« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 07:47:59 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #78 on: July 14, 2019, 03:14:49 PM »
Treasur-I think after a few days I may be able to accept the positives in this.  He’s not in the marriage now, all the paper is doing is providing me healthcare, keeping me in limbo, and keeping us here.  I am in the marriage, but alone.

If he were ever going to come back, this does not prevent him, but it does allow me to stop living here after this year.  It’s not what I want, but it is.  He is Not MY husband, he is heartless towards me.  I feel sorry for the ow(except you know, she is with a married man).  I knew this was the likely outcome, but here is where that pesky hope comes in.  Also, knowing something is coming your way and walking through it are two different experiences....sigh.  I know how ugly he is likely to be.  One day at a time.

X-I am taking your advice, we went to church, and then  for cauliflower pizza and after a rest we will walk the beach!  I know what you mean about your body shutting down, in church I think I got a glimpse of what MLC probably feels like.  Like you are there, but it feels like slow motion and you cannot feel or take much in.  I will try to turn the volume down in my head, as you suggested.

I am thankful he did not divorce me right away, I do not think I could have thought clearly.  Now, I am ready and know I cannot try to play nice to win in the divorce in the hope to win him back.  I need to protect me and the kids.

Journaling-Hubby went to church today.  He looks like an Old rebellious teenager sitting in church.  Unshaven, needs a haircut, old jeans and T-shirt(he is in the military ::).  I was never attracted to his looks, it was his personality that made me like his looks, but he Was attractive.   Now, his personality makes him unattractive to me.  But, I’m glad he showed up.  I guess somehow that is a sign that somewhere deep down he still believes, otherwise, why come.  We managed to not speak at all.  I did not ask him to lunch after with all of us as has sometimes happened in the past.  Before he arrived the kids fought over who had to sit by him.  S5 volunteered.  I sat with 4 kids between us.

So yesterday h told me he can feel for anyone and everyone, but me.  That he is happy.  I told him that he told me recently he hated himself and he said, yes, my old self.  He likes who he is now(uhm, you like being a narcissistic monster).  He may feel some for others, but it is severely limited, I have watched him detach from family and he is not a normal D with the kids for sure.  He will not fess up to OW completely, but says his personal life is private.  He started ranting about me getting his pension and asked about selling the house.

I let him know that the renters move out in February, but until the court orders something, I will not agree to sell the house.  So we either need to ask the tenants to stay(There is a good chance), get new tenants, or pay the rent from Feb-May.  Of course instead of just letting me ask them to stay a few extra months he is thinking about it.  He wants that house sold ASAP.

He has already got the money spent in his mind.  He has no clue that FL is a permanent alimony state and that pension is the beginning of his financial hurt.   He is choosing all of this, and in a very ugly, and cruel way.  He would leave me sleeping on the street if he could, but does seem to have the desire to provide for his kids. 

I will do my best to be respectful and kind through this process.  Though, I do not expect that same courtesy from him.  I let him know that I am good with court or mediation to start.  He prefers mediation, but I think I may do much better in court.  Mostly because he wants me to get nothing.  I need to speak to some attorneys in the coming weeks.

My feelings are mixed.  I am upset that my marriage is ending(but, I have known it was coming, and I do not know who this crazy person is).  I will for sure not be moving on with anyone new for some time, so I guess I am standing/not standing.  In other words, I’m not closing the door, I’m not moving on, but I am moving forward.  Only time will tell if I could ever accept him back, or if he will ever want to come back.  But, he is bound and determined to get me out of the picture.

I am glad to know that I can move forward.  I do not have to wait here for two years.  There are many reasons it would have been better to stay, but now the reasons to leave are greater.  In other words, I felt a duty to stay for my family and now I do not.  I hoped he would chose me, but he has not.

If he wanted to be near his kids, he would not be in such a rush to D me knowing it means we will leave.  So, why stay here for a man who is not choosing us.  Or even just them(the kids).  I had already made the decision, I would be willing to sacrifice and stay here, if he did what it took to keep us here(just wait to D).  So, I will not regret leaving at the end of this school year, he chose this.  I was willing to wait until his tour was over so the kids had a Dad nearby.  But, a selfish Dad who doesn’t want to stay married so that we can stay here, does not measure up to the family and friends back home.  We will get kicked out of our housing after D, and I am not moving locally for a man who is currently not worth the effort.

If he gets stationed in TX you never know, we may reconcile someday.  I will heal and continue to do what’s best for me and the kids.  I will pray for him.  Outside of the pain, stigma, and process, a divorce may produce a rock bottom for him and I am already alone in it anyways.  Don’t get me wrong, I am completely against divorce for a million reasons, but he is not in our marriage and of course the choice to end it is not mine.  Because he will not just be divorcing me, but will be living in a different state from his kids, I am hoping it helps bring him out of his MLC.  These kids are quickly getting tired of his crap which may also help produce needed consequences.

I have always been pretty good at accepting things I cannot change, and I cannot change this.  His heart may change, but not at my hands.  So, I will take it day by day, fight for the kids and I, and look forward to our future.

I have wanted to settle down my whole life.  When he did the military collegiate program, I never expected him to stay in after his time commitment.  So while I would chose a whole family any day, getting to settle down is a good consolation prize for me and the kids.

My d14 and I got invited to a girls trip in Boston this fall with family.  All of us girls went 2 years ago to Charleston SC and had a great time.  D14 was not on that trip as she was too young.  I never drink too much and I did one night on that trip and apparently was quite entertaining(mostly because no one had seen me in that state before).  That will for sure not happen in Boston with d14;) I am a bit nervous h will not want me to spend the money for us to go, really, a lot nervous.

D14 has continued to have a pretty good attitude and spends time with us.  She will be thrilled that we are moving back to TX next summer(she thinks we should leave now).  In all likelihood we will stay at the lakehouse or at the ranch for the summer while I search for a job in the hill country.  I have already told some of my family and his.  His sister in law and brother are really angry about it and do not get it, but none are surprised as he has said this would happen since October.

One of my good friends from TX did not know this(MLC)was going on for awhile.  She said that she had been a bit jealous because I’m always posting pictures at the beach, pool, lighthouse, fort etc.  It’s funny how social media works.  We only show the good.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starter

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Re: Finding joy in the midst of heartache!
« Reply #79 on: July 14, 2019, 03:25:04 PM »
OffRoad-Thank You!  I’m so glad to hear people can juggle parenting alone and keep solid relationship with their kids.  My hope is to stay close to my kids, and I’m sure it will be a juggle as working and responsibilities pile on.

That has got to be hard with s20 staying with his MLC dad.  I guess there is little involved with MLC that is not hard.  I will follow your advice and trust that time and fully feeling what needs dealt with, will bring healing.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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