Author Topic: My Story The pink fridge moment continued!  (Read 2156 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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My Story The pink fridge moment continued!
« on: April 02, 2019, 09:27:29 AM »
New thread and carrying on with the pink fridge symbol, which is my daily reminder of the major changes I have made.





Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10660.150
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2019, 09:54:40 AM »
Attaching Milly. Sorry to hear you are unwell.. I had the flu 2 weeks ago and I threw myself a massive pity party thinking how alone I was while being sick.. I agree that having an extended group of friends is very important, I didn't see that while H was here but I think I have learnt my lesson now.. It's not the same as having a loving partner caring for you but at least if you are in bed really sick, a friend can get you medicine, bring you food or do the basics..  I hope you feel better soon!! I'm sure your D's TLC is helping   :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2019, 10:23:44 AM »
Hi Millly--sorry you are sick. That always makes everything so much worse in our minds. Almost overwhelming. So just concentrate on recuperating. I am so happy your lovely D is there to care for you.

I was struck by what you said about your sweet S being used to having no father in his life. My S was 9 when H left. So I get it. But what an amazing amount of grace and kindness of you to say that you prefer S have some connection with his dad as opposed to none. And that you have to encourage it sometimes. That makes you a pretty amazing person!! It is not easy ALWAYS having to take the high road.

D24 is in a blaming mood. She is still likely very hurt by what her F did and cannot process it, and is blaming everyone for all of her issues. I love the way you handled. I would probably try to point out all of the flaws in her argument. LOL. And that would get me absolutely nowhere. She has probably already figured it out. Poor thing. We do forget how much damage MLC causes everyone, no matter what age. And 24 is still so very young. Of course she was even younger when this all started. This is the part that breaks my heart the most. Your children have all been impacted. Thank God they have you to always count on. And believe me, they do. Even if they don't always show it.

OK Milly, rest up and feel better.   
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anon

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2019, 10:24:54 AM »
Hi Milly - I'm really sorry to hear you are suffering with a bout of bronchitis.  Bronchitis is horrible.   I've had it a couple of times in the past and it's like having simultaneously, the flu, a cold and pneumonia, except ten times worse.  The last time I felt it coming on was on day 1 of a trip to Las Vegas with H, BIL, SIL.   SIL got it too.   Needless to say, the trip for us was a complete bust.   Only time I ever needed to actually use my travel insurance to see a doctor and get Rx medication.  Even with medication it was 2 weeks before I recovered enough to function half normally.   Thank goodness you have D21 to help you out.   

D24 - I'm glad she has unblocked you.  That's one less bit of stress for you.  She is still angry but,,, - at the delayed graduation or angry (anguished?) about her blown up family?  Maybe a bit of both but if she suppresses the anguish of her blown up family then it will find it's release in anger,,,, here, there and everywhere and at everyone until it's out in the open where it can be addressed.  Doesn't make it easier for you at all that she lives far away and contact is limited.   It's clear you love her though, and I don't doubt for a second that she knows that, despite lashing out at you.   I think you are dealing with it very well considering all the extra pain you must be feeling because of it.  Your H is likely not experiencing anything like you are because you know,, he has his MLC suit of armor and all to protect him from feeling much of anything.  ::)

Whether our H's will ever come out of MLC is question that I ponder as well.   tbh, though,,,I wonder if it's even worth pondering until at least 5 or 6 years out and the answer to that question will come only when the crisis ends.   Until then, there simply is no answer.   I've read many times that the turn around in the crisis or exiting the tunnel, etc. can occur very suddenly.  Stuff is happening in that tunnel or during the crisis that we cannot observe because it's going on inside their heads and there are no outward signs.   So it looks like nothing is changing when possibly everything is about to change,,, or,,, maybe not.   I've read lately about returns occurring way past BD...8yrs,,, 10 yrs...and it almost makes me wonder if the time-frame for MLC needs readjusting again.  It seems like the reconnection/reconciliations that occur in anything less than 5 - 6 years are on very shaky ground and needs to be handled so carefully it's terrifying.    Like.... what's the worse thing that can happen to you while holding nitroglycerine?   (Answer.. sneeze).    That's all it takes and kaboom,,,, back to ground zero. 

I could spend another hour of babbling away about the things you mentioned in your post,,, maybe another time,,, (like later this year?)  I am getting excited about travelling again.   Feels great to be researching, planning and anticipating a trip.  I've definitely been bitten by the travel bug.   I'll be cramming a lot into my few days in Rome.   So many tour companies;   Viator, The Roman Guy, Walks of Italy,,etc,,, any recommendations?

Anyway Milly, you just get better and soon.  Praying for your speedy recovery!!  Thanks for your update.   :)

Hugs,
Anon

Online handpuppets

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2019, 11:38:57 AM »
Attaching, Milly.

Sorry to hear you are battling bronchitis. I looked up the meta-physical meaning (Louise Hay) for bronchitis and here is what it says:

BRONCHITIS: Inflamed family environment.
Affirmation: I experience peace and harmony within myself and all around me. All is well.


Hope you start to feel better soon. Glad D21 is there to help.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2019, 12:14:23 PM »
Hi and thank you for posting.

Oneday, sorry you were sick too. I think just being sick can bring in a bit of a low feeling and then in our situation we are reminded of what we're trying to forget, that we are on our own and after years of creating a family, whether with or without kids, and now that whole life plan is destroyed.

Kit, my S was also 9 when my H left. It's such a young, sensitive age to be when your dad walks out. I remember my son dreading hearing that we were separating. My D24 is collateral damage of this MLC, too. Thanks for understanding.

Anon, your description of how it feels to have bronchitis is exactly right. That's precisely how I'm feeling. Glad you're looking forward to traveling and venturing miles away to see stuff that will be so different. I think having an exciting trip planned but several months away makes the lead up time exciting, too. So glad you can come on this Tuscany trip.

HP, that's quite a description of bronchitis. I do have an inflamed family situation. I must remind myself that I do have relative peace around myself.

I'm still in bed but feeling better than last night. I haven't been sick in bed since before BD. I used to always be sick during the winter in the past but not after BD. I have wondered if the adrenaline or something l like that caused by the stress of the situation didn't actually boost my immune system. I read that anxiety can produce cortisone which is an immune booster. Who knows, but just something I had noticed these past winters since BD.

H contacted S last night, asking him what he was doing today but then never acted on it. He did send S a photo of his veranda with very fancy garden furniture. I mustn't speculate, I know. The furniture looks brand new and very expensive. Of course, it could be from last year or the year before, what do I know. It did annoy me to see it because my H would never spend money on stuff like that for our family. But I tell myself that while my H is in replay, he needs to impress the OW. Everything in my H's life since BD is about appearances. I tell myself that beautiful garden furniture without the people to sit with or to barbecue with or to garden with or to play ping pong with is just not the same.   
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2019, 12:58:15 PM »
Attaching milly, hope you feel better soon xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2019, 01:22:54 PM »
Pink fridge with prosecco spanks the a$$ of garden furniture for people with no real friends...just sayin. :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2019, 01:36:13 PM »
Pink fridge with prosecco spanks the a$$ of garden furniture for people with no real friends...just sayin. :)
Ha ha Good one Treasur!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline heroIam

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2019, 02:02:51 PM »
Following along milly :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2019, 02:29:09 PM »
Aw, Milly, I’m so sorry you are not feeling well.  Here is some cyber hugs for you.  (((((((((HUGS)))))))
Hope you get better very, very soon.

I love that you want your S to have R with his father.  You do not put your feelings about H above what is good for your S.  That’s what a loving mother does...

As for the fancy garden furniture?  Pfffff, it’s just a ‘thing’.  I doubt it would give him any happiness. 
We would rather sit on a worn out blank with our beautiful kids than sit alone in a fancy chair, or worse, with someone that owns you. 

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2019, 02:39:04 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly.

Sorry to hear you have a bronchitis. Take good care of yourself. If the bronchitis does not heal well it can bring further complications.

I had another one early this year and it took me ages to get well.

Hope you get better soon.

Hugs,
X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2019, 05:09:30 AM »
Thank you guys, you are so sweet: Rising, Treasur, Oneday, Hero, Acorn, and Anjae.

Love the pink fridge and posecco ass spanking image! Actually I think I'm going to stock it with pink prosecco!

Acorn, thanks for reminding me that fancy garden furniture is just a thing. You are so right. And that we would rather be on a dusty, doggie-hairy, old couch with our kids than on a shiny lounge chair with our 'owner.'

Thank you Anjae, I am going to be very careful to take care of myself. I am scared of getting pneumonia, It's on the back of my mind. You've probably had similar weather to us here, and the up and down temperatures are risky for this kind of illness. Pouring here right now.

I am feeling better than yesterday, antibiotics and cortisone are doing their work. Feeling relieved.

S14 made me broth last night for dinner so we could let D21 go out with her friends. He was so attentive, told me I could call him for anything. D21 came home to sleep so she could drive S to school this morning for me. This has been such a big help for me. Tomorrow I must do my tasting, so today I need to shower and get my stuff ready for real life again.

I am making plans for Easter just so I'm forced to do something. I know you all know what I mean. I have a group of friends with kids that I've been doing Easter with since BD. I just sent them a message to say Easter is at my house as usual. I'm sure they were all wondering. They know I've been tired since this last move.

I told them I'm going to buy a barbecue and let's grill a bunch of meat. They're excited. They'll bring starters and desserts and all sorts of other stuff being Italian. Easter lunch is made up of many courses. The kids will be able to play outside. We'll set up ping-pong, billiards table, soccer nets and then I'll do my Easter egg hunt as usual. I will probably regret it two days before but I must force myself to keep up the social side. Oh, yes, lots of pink prosecco will help me. Must remember that.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2019, 05:24:32 AM »
<snarky mode on>
Well, spiffy new Garden furniture... NOW we know where the money for S's Christmas Present and the 700 Euros on D24's credit card went
</snarky mode>

But YOU nailed it Milly - Better a couch full of dog hair with our kids than new garden furniture with an "owner."
 

Take care of yourself with the Bronchitis... EVIL stuff there...

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2019, 05:33:55 AM »
I am making plans for Easter just so I'm forced to do something. I know you all know what I mean. I have a group of friends with kids that I've been doing Easter with since BD. I just sent them a message to say Easter is at my house as usual. I'm sure they were all wondering. They know I've been tired since this last move.

I told them I'm going to buy a barbecue and let's grill a bunch of meat. They're excited. They'll bring starters and desserts and all sorts of other stuff being Italian. Easter lunch is made up of many courses. The kids will be able to play outside. We'll set up ping-pong, billiards table, soccer nets and then I'll do my Easter egg hunt as usual. I will probably regret it two days before but I must force myself to keep up the social side. Oh, yes, lots of pink prosecco will help me. Must remember that.

I’m so happy you are doing this that my eyes are misty...

Just as we want to see MLCer’s action to prove whatever they say, I believe the same goes for us.  It’s all fine and dandy to declare GAL is good, I’m going to GAL, but the proof is in the pudding. You are one LBS that DOES.  Look what you have done with your house, your kids, party invitations, work, AND the pink fridge!   You are my kind of gal (pun intended).  Hooray for Milly!

((((((HUGS)))))) and may your bronchitis disappear ASAP!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2019, 05:42:47 AM »
UM, thank you! You turned my purchasing the fancy garden furniture into a laugh!

Acorn, thank you for your very lovely words!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2019, 05:15:54 PM »
Hi Milly:  I am glad you are feeling better and that you had such awesome nurses while you were sick.  How sweet for your kids to step up and take care of you.  I also made Easter plans this week.  Since BD, I have been joining some friends for their festivities.  They moved last year, so I called, invited myself, and bought a plan ticket.  It is nice when you have such good friends that you can count on them to get through the holidays.  Your house party sounds perfect to lift your spirits.  Who would have thought this was our new norm....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2019, 02:51:00 AM »
Aww, I want to come to Millys for Easter, sounds perfect! Hope feeling a lot better soon x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2019, 02:53:20 AM »
Me too.....let's ALL go...Easter at Milly's house  ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline CanLetGo

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2019, 02:54:06 AM »
Me too.....let's ALL go...Easter at Milly's house  ;D

We need a ‘like’ button 😂

I’m working 10 days straight over Easter 😬. Shift work life
« Last Edit: April 04, 2019, 02:56:37 AM by CanLetGo »
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2019, 12:37:58 PM »
Glad to know you're better. Your kids were great nurses. Your plans for Easter sound fabulous.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online stillbaffled

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #21 on: April 04, 2019, 07:15:57 PM »
A bit late to the party, Milly, but I'm still with you! 

I hope you're on the mend. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #22 on: April 06, 2019, 06:36:52 AM »
Hello,

Sounds like great plans for Easter. I wish I could bring my grill to your party. We could smoke and grill a delicious meal!

It is wise to still carry on and have some activities that bring and keep people in your life. I just want you to take care of your health. That comes first!

UM's sense of humor is so refreshing. I don't know how he does it, but he finds the perfect image everytime!

Stay well, focus on your children and get ready for your party!

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #23 on: April 06, 2019, 03:14:46 PM »
I've had a very bad evening. I had a great day and was feeling so positive, met the handy man to help finish up my little rental this morning and thought I could see the end of the tunnel, booked a nice dinner for S14 and D21, and as I was setting out with S14, I went to get my mother's gold and diamond necklace from my jewellery box and found all my jewellery has been stolen. I wore it last on Christmas day.

I think it happened last Tuesday. I had been up in bed sick all day. I came downstairs around 7pm when S got home and told him the terrace doors were open. He said he didn't do it. I thought maybe D21 left them open so I just shut them. I was going to tell her off but I was sick and never mentioned it. Then tonight I phoned her and she said she had locked the door but had found the second set of terrace doors open and thought I'd left them open.

I called a police man neighbour who is out of town. He told me to go look at the outside of the locks to see if there is a small hole that might have been drilled into the lock. There was a hole in one of the terrace doors right through the lock. They came in while I was upstairs. Went straight to my secret jewellery drawer in an old box. Didn't mess anything, there was no sign inside of a break in.

It's so hurtful. I have lost every piece of jewellery I own. Every gift from my parents since I was little, H's gifts to me throughout the years, two beautiful necklaces my mother gave me before she died. Nothing left. I feel so robbed once again. Just another part of my history erased. Caring friends said I will replace them. I'm 54 and supporting my kids, I can't be replacing a life time of jewels. I know I'm not hurt nor are my kids, but it's another violation. I just wish these bad things would just stop happening. This is the second burglary I've been through since BD. The first one happened in my old home. They didn't find my jewellery that time but turned the house up side down from top to bottom.

Sorry if i'm a victim tonight. My RL friends are very caring but they don't realize what it's like to already have lost my lifetime family creation, my lifetime of financial effort, my H, my extended family, the future I had been planning for 30 years, my family home, my business, and now even these last things. I just don't know how to fit it in my acceptance of the losses.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #24 on: April 06, 2019, 03:32:01 PM »
I am so sorry, Milly.

Any chance of the pieces being recoved by the police? Even if you had the means, the new jewellery would not have the sentimental value pieces who were gifts from your parents, husband and the two necklaces your mum gave you before you died had.

Long ago, nearly all my mothers jewellery was stolen. She didn't had many pieces, but they had all either belonged to her Godmother, her mother (my grandmother) or gifts from my dad. The only piece that wasn't stolen was a pair of old gold and pearl hearrings that had belonged to her Godmother and I inherit. Mum was hearbroken. Even more because it was a maid that stole the  jewellery.

When it pours it rains. I don't have any explanation why, at times, we are dealt one blow after another.

Hugs,
XX
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #25 on: April 06, 2019, 03:34:37 PM »
Milly,

I am so sorry. :'(

It seems so unfair, one loss upon another, on and on.

Have you registered the complaint properly, describing all the pieces? Perhaps the police may be able to recover something?

I have very little jewelry, but what I have I wear. My father used to worry about me if I went downtown and ask me to take it off because of the very real danger of mugging here in Rio. Fortunately, I have never been attacked.

I am very sorry, I would also not want to lose my jewelry :(
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #26 on: April 06, 2019, 03:35:23 PM »
Oh milly, I’m so sorry. That is awful. Can the police investigate? Is there fingerprints left? I wonder how they knew where your jewellery was. May he worth investing in some security cameras. Thank god that they didn’t come upstairs.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, your jewellery was precious because of the memories that went with them. I know it is of little comfort but they cannot steal your memories.

Hugs. I wish I could hug you properly xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Maleficent

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #27 on: April 06, 2019, 03:38:38 PM »
Milly, I am so sorry.  I understand how each piece has its own story and its own memories. And how wearing those pieces brings us strength from the person who gave them.

I am worried that someone came in while you were home and knew right where to go.  Can you get some security system?  It is a little scary.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #28 on: April 06, 2019, 03:59:29 PM »
Thank you so much Maleficent, Rising, Anjae and Mitz.

Anjae, my neighbour the policeman told me to make a list of the jewellery and describe it as best as possible because sometimes they do retrieve stolen jewellery especially if it's particular. He said the will try to pawn it at those places that offer cash for gold and they would be checking them. I will do this of course, but I have no expectations.

Mitz, I should have worn it. At least I would still have something. Take photos of your jewellery just in case.

Rising, I'm calling the police in the morning. I couldn't face it tonight. I haven't touched the outside of the door where they drilled so I hope they can find something. Security cameras is a great idea. I'm in a rental but it's still worth me doing something about it myself.

Maleficent, I'm horrified that someone drilled, came in, in the daylight, I was upstairs but didn't hear them, and knew exactly where to go for my jewellery. Only 4 people knew where it was. As my friend says, good job the jewellery was down stairs and not up stairs or I would have been faced with them. I am going to tell the owner of the place that the doors need better locks and possibly bars. A security system is really expensive and this is a rental. Like Rising says, I could get security cameras.

This was my new home. I wanted to stay here for years, but now I'm not sure I can.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #29 on: April 06, 2019, 04:16:55 PM »
Hope the police finds your jewellery.

If only four people knew where it was, does your neighbour the policeman thinks one of them tipped the people who went into your house?

You can get security cameras. Telling the owner that the doors need better locks and possibly bars is a good idea.

This was my new home. I wanted to stay here for years, but now I'm not sure I can.

Right now you're in shock, Milly. Let things calm down a little, then decide if moving is better for you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #30 on: April 06, 2019, 04:23:49 PM »
Thank you, Anjae. The policeman said it sounds like they came in and knew where to look like the person was sent by someone who knew. But then I spoke to the lady who used to clean for me and found my jewellery when I was burgled in my old home and she told me that there is equipment now that burglers use that gives off a signal where there is gold or metal. So now I don't know.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #31 on: April 06, 2019, 04:24:41 PM »
It's like 1.30am, Anjae. You're still up,too? I can't sleep. S is on playstation, he can't sleep iether.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2019, 04:33:12 PM »
But then I spoke to the lady who used to clean for me and found my jewellery when I was burgled in my old home and she told me that there is equipment now that burglers use that gives off a signal where there is gold or metal.

Didn't knew such thing existed. Still, wouldn't it be too risky not knowing where things were? Who knows what happened. Hope the police figures it out and the pieces are found.


It is one hour earlier here. Peri-menopause is, again, playing a number on me. Sleep has been complicate the last few days. Yesterday I had ice cream with a friend then we went to a concert (they often start quite late here and end even later). Today it is too rainy and humid. Rather stay in and read or watch some detective TV shows.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #33 on: April 07, 2019, 12:05:29 AM »
I am so, so sorry, Milly. Truly sorry. We all get how truly awful this must feel for you in lots of different ways. And all of the horrible thoughts and suspicions that might be going through your head.

Do the sensible things as you have done. Recognise though that you are in shock and like any good LBS knows, that means it is not a time for big decisions or knee jerk reactions. Be very kind to yourself and do whatever will make you feel safe. Then you can decide about all of your options and how you feel about the house or if you should get a big noisy dog  ;)

I hope the universe returns some of these things to you, my friend. But if it doesn't...and I speak as someone who clung on to possessions after losing my loved ones...the things are not the people or you, and you carry what truly matters in your heart and your head. If my memory serves me right, I think this happened to another LBS actually and with time, they used the insurance money to buy new treasures that meant just as much bc they chose them.

Huge hug from here xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #34 on: April 07, 2019, 05:48:08 AM »
So sorry Milly, it’s a real shock, thinking of you as you recover from it and do what you need to do to report it etc x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #35 on: April 07, 2019, 06:38:20 AM »
It is such a violation when we are robbed. It happened to me years ago, 2 weeks after I had moved into this house..I must have scared them coming into the garage for my jewelry box was on the floor at the front door (which they had broken down) and the jewelry was scattered on the floor...so I was lucky.

Ever since then, I have an alarm system that I turn on when I leave the house and at night...still doesn't stop them from breaking in when I am here...but I have a dog and she would bark.

I am sorry Milly. Take good care of yourself.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Anon

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #36 on: April 07, 2019, 06:57:33 AM »
Oh no Milly,,,  I wish there was something I could say or do to help.   On top of all else you have endured and lost, now this.   It’s another assault and violation with tremendous fall-out for you.   I am so terribly sorry this has happened.    :'(

Offline Puzzled

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #37 on: April 07, 2019, 11:12:19 PM »
Oh, Milly, I'm so sorry that this happened.  I also don't know what to say, it seems so injust and unnecessary -- losing yet other things that are irreplacable and dear to you.  And then, being burglarized probably while you were in your home upstairs.  In my early twenties, I got mugged in the street at knife-point, which had quite an impact psychologically, causing me not to feel safe for a while at night at my apartment, although it all happened away from home.  I can imagine that it's quite another dimension when the violation took place in one's own home.  Sending hugs to you.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #38 on: April 08, 2019, 12:06:35 AM »
Milly,

I am so sorry this happened... My former neighbors were burgled while on vacation with the same Method of Operation... A small hole and that was all it took to get past the lock.... It is SUCH a violation....

I have sensors on my doors and the windows that are accessible without a ladder in my flat that, if they are opened, send a message directly to my Cell phone.... It can also sound an alarm if I wish and then a camera in my living room that can be triggered if the alarm goes off.... However, I have to say that a 29 kg German Shepherd is MUCH more convincing than ANY alarm system, especially since her favorite place to ;ly is right in front of the patio door where she can see the back yard....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #39 on: April 08, 2019, 02:31:42 AM »
Big hugs Milly.  Why do all the good people keep getting hit with stuff.  Grrrr!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Thunder

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #40 on: April 08, 2019, 02:47:53 AM »
Aw you poor thing.  How scary to know you were home during the robbery!  I'm just so glad you are ok.
Yes, you did lose family jewelry that held a lot of emotional attachment, and I'm so very sorry for that, but you are safe and unharmed.  YOU are what's valuable, Milly.

I've heard they will either try to hock it fast, or they will wait til it's safer and do it later, so there is still the chance they may find some of your jewelry. 
I do hope your landlord puts on better locks and possible bars, but a security camera at your door is a great idea, too..and a motion sensitive light.  At least it will help you feel safer.

I don't know if you would like a dog, or can have one, but they interviewed a convicted home burglar awhile back and when they asked him what is the best deterrent for burglars and he said the number one thing is a dog.  He said most burglars don't know how that dog is trained and will move on.

If you can't have a dog, get a big dog bowl and put it somewhere outside your door.  Just fill it with water, they'll never know whether you really have a dog or not.

Again, I am so sorry.  I know how violated you feel.  I had my car broke into, by breaking the window, and it took me the longest time to stop imaging a strange person actually sitting in MY car.   >:(
It takes awhile.

Hugs, Milly.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #41 on: April 08, 2019, 04:37:54 AM »
Okay guys smack me if this is too obvious but...

Two burglaries, two different addresses...

First time nothing taken but a mess looking for something...second time straight for a secret drawer full of jewellery..

Please for the love of god tell me you are looking into MLCer, or someone very very close to you...Maybe one of the kids friends or something? I dunno but the way your MLCer was eyeing everything up when he came in and now this..

I would definitely be pointing this out to the police to investigate. From what you said he is looking for as much money off you as possible, snidey comments about how well  you are doing, he knows you have the jewellery...just needed himself/someone to find it...and 1 address is bad luck....2 addresses is not a coincidence.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #42 on: April 08, 2019, 04:53:42 AM »
Okay guys smack me if this is too obvious but...

Two burglaries, two different addresses...

First time nothing taken but a mess looking for something...second time straight for a secret drawer full of jewellery..

Please for the love of god tell me you are looking into MLCer, or someone very very close to you...Maybe one of the kids friends or something? I dunno but the way your MLCer was eyeing everything up when he came in and now this..

I would definitely be pointing this out to the police to investigate. From what you said he is looking for as much money off you as possible, snidey comments about how well  you are doing, he knows you have the jewellery...just needed himself/someone to find it...and 1 address is bad luck....2 addresses is not a coincidence.

Mort,

I was thinking about this as well..... The thing about a device that gives off a signal when it detects gold or something? Uhmmmmmm .... nope.....

Jewellery is passive. It does NOT emit a signal or anything else. If it was in a drawer, if would have been a necklace or a pair of panties and it would not make a difference... It would have to have been some sort of metal detector device (maybe a wand like at the airport?) but that seems awfully sophisticated for a residential burglary.... And the fact that you were IN THE HOUSE at the time? The risk of being caught is extreme and goes up with every minute that they are there. You saw nothing out of place, nothing had been ransacked... they knew EXACTLY where to look, where you had it kept... Like the policeman said, this is someone with knowledge about you and your surroundings...

Quote from: Milly
Maleficent, I'm horrified that someone drilled, came in, in the daylight, I was upstairs but didn't hear them, and knew exactly where to go for my jewellery. Only 4 people knew where it was.
There you go....  Like you said, they knew EXACTLY where it was... Only 4 people knew... You were at home and you didn't hear them. A metal detector would key off of ANYTHING metal and even if it was just a light that went on, the handle of a drawer or your old silverware would have triggered it.... . NOTHING else was touched....

Walks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, looks like a duck...




« Last Edit: April 08, 2019, 05:04:24 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Puzzled

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #43 on: April 08, 2019, 06:39:51 AM »
Milly, when you were home sick, on the day the burglary supposedly took place, was your dog home as well?  How would he (or she?) have reacted if strangers would have entered your place?
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #44 on: April 08, 2019, 08:31:19 AM »
Hi guys and thank you so much for all your support and advice. I am here lurking but just feeling really down after this break in.

We worked out they broke in during the night while we were asleep. This really frightens me. They drilled through the lock from the outside and came in. They got the jewellery and left. If they hadn't found it they would have walked around the place looking. The first room would have been where my S14 was sleeping. What would have happened? I can't stop thinking about it.

I did tell the police everything that you all mentioned. They did not seem to think it was strange that the burglar found my jewellery in my secret drawer. I don't know why. They said like UM, there is no metal seeking device.

The police said it's possible someone was sent by someone who knew, or someone who knew talked.

The door is still broken. The landlady says it's not her problem, that the locks were new when I moved in, and that I saw the doors and signed the contract for the house as is. Now I'm going to have to battle the landlady or move somewhere else? I really can't face any of this right now.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #45 on: April 08, 2019, 08:48:49 AM »
Hi guys and thank you so much for all your support and advice. I am here lurking but just feeling really down after this break in.

We worked out they broke in during the night while we were asleep. This really frightens me. They drilled through the lock from the outside and came in. They got the jewellery and left. If they hadn't found it they would have walked around the place looking. The first room would have been where my S14 was sleeping. What would have happened? I can't stop thinking about it.

I did tell the police everything that you all mentioned. They did not seem to think it was strange that the burglar found my jewellery in my secret drawer. I don't know why. They said like UM, there is no metal seeking device.

The police said it's possible someone was sent by someone who knew, or someone who knew talked.

The door is still broken. The landlady says it's not her problem, that the locks were new when I moved in, and that I saw the doors and signed the contract for the house as is. Now I'm going to have to battle the landlady or move somewhere else? I really can't face any of this right now.

I am not sure moving or any of that will change things, I mean you just moved in here. I really in my gut feel like someone was sent to look specifically for these items....by someone who knew.

I am really sorry this has happened to you Milly but please do not stress so much. It is a terrible horrible thing, but if it was random, they would have had to look more, and would have taken more...

Just my gut instinct.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2019, 08:50:21 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Puzzled

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #46 on: April 08, 2019, 09:15:12 AM »
Milly, I remember you journaling about talking with the policeman in your village (I believe) and him saying something like there had been some issues with OW.  Do you know what kind of issues these were?  She is a liar, writing emails in your H's name claiming that his family doesn't care for you when this is not the case at all, she may be capable of more.  Maybe you could discretely ask your S about possibly mentioning your jewellery to H or maybe H asking about it?  It would be good to go about this in a way that doesn't sound like you may be suspecting H to have anything to do with the theft.  Maybe you could start out mentioning some pieces of jewellery that were given to you by your H and which meant a lot to you?  Or that your H always liked you wearing certain pieces of jewellery (if he did)?  Your H was in your place once when S was sick, right?  Maybe he had an opportunity to snoop around?
« Last Edit: April 08, 2019, 09:18:17 AM by Puzzled »
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #47 on: April 08, 2019, 09:38:47 AM »
I understand you're scared, Milly, but their aim was not to harm anyone.

They went straigh into the drawer, they knew where the jewellery was. Someone told them. If only four people knew, one of them told them, or told someone who then told them.

Nothing else was taken or looked for. They wanted one thing and got it. That is too precise.

It does not have to your MLCer. It can be someone else, but the info come from someone in the know.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #48 on: April 08, 2019, 11:06:36 AM »
Hello,

Quote
Again, I am so sorry.  I know how violated you feel.  I had my car broke into, by breaking the window, and it took me the longest time to stop imaging a strange person actually sitting in MY car.   >:(
It takes awhile.

Thunder, it was just a squirrel looking for a few nuts. All kidding aside, it is a terrible feeling and violation.

Quote
I am not sure moving or any of that will change things, I mean you just moved in here. I really in my gut feel like someone was sent to look specifically for these items....by someone who knew.

Yes. They had to know. No one just breaks into a stranger's home and walk right to the place where the jewelry is. Now before we bark up MLCer or OW tree, have you had any repair people in the home? Is this safe part of the house as people who may have viewed or lived there could have told someone.

From my point of view, the break-in was a professional job. Junkies take everything they see of value. These guys went directly for what they wanted.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It is such a terrible feeling and the sinking feeling that such people were in your home is frightening.

Quote
The landlady says it's not her problem, that the locks were new when I moved in, and that I saw the doors and signed the contract for the house as is.

Too bad you are not in the states. In CA, it is the landlords duty to make the house habitable. If the damage is not from the tenants actions, the landlord pays.


((((hugs)))

Ready

 

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Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #49 on: April 08, 2019, 11:22:25 AM »
This is just awful Milly. I am so sorry. And I completely understand how violated and fearful you are right now.

I like Thunder's idea of at least getting the dog dish. Dogs are a great deterrent. So really, maybe get a dog? And a security door? I had them installed on the glass doors at my house. Nothing is impenetrable but of course, they offer another barrier to get through. And then, how about an alarm?  These are the things I did  and it does help a little. I had someone break in one time too, but they ran b/c the alarm went off.

So, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on H or OW's involvement in this. I remember thinking he was "casing" your house that time he was looking around your bedroom. I am pretty sure I am completely paranoid though. So I am sorry if I've added another layer to worry about.

I really am sorry friend. Wish I would come hang out right now with you and try to bring you some comfort. You  have your sweet boy to hug and love on in the meantime. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #50 on: April 08, 2019, 11:26:28 AM »
Take a breath, my dear friend, and break it down into small pieces (none of this is denying that how you feel right now is normal...plus tbh I think we LBS have thinner stress skin for quite a while)

1. What was taken and how
It was a professional job...not a random one by junkies or kids.
Professional theives don't want to hurt you, they aim to get in and out. Nothing else was disturbed or taken. It sounds as if they knew what they were looking for and where it was kept. I presume you have told the police who knew about the items and where they were kept? Do you feel the police are taking it seriously or just shrugging it off? You may want to have a quiet word with your friendly police cheif to add a little pressure maybe if needed. And do you have particular suspicions and if so how is that making you feel? It sounds as if the police think someone you know either talked to people they shouldn't or commissioned the crime in some way. And are you insured?

2. Feeling safe again
In addition to the point about professionals, have you spoken to the police about advice on making the property safer? Here in the UK, there are specialist officers who can come and advise you. What would make you FEEL safer? Bc this theft sounds as if it was about the valuable items not the house; it could have happened anywhere. But you may want to make some changes in who is allowed in your home in future and discuss this with your kids.

3. The landlady
We LBS learn that some battles are not worth fighting. Tell her by all means that you are disappointed by her lack of concern for your wellbeing. And that you will fit new locks and necessary security or a safe yourself. We LBS learn to do what we need to do even though it is unfair.


I am so, so sorry. It is a s$itty thing and all your emotions make complete sense.
But
You are Pink Fridge Milly now not the old broken LBS...so you will refuse to let more s$itty people bully you out of a good life or make you feel afraid. F**k them. While you have Millyness and your kids are ok and there is prosecco in the fridge and flowers in your garden, you have your true jewels that can't be bought or stolen...and you will fight past this by getting tough and logical and doing what you need to do. And we love you and we will always be here cheering you on.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #51 on: April 08, 2019, 11:47:26 AM »

You are Pink Fridge Milly now not the old broken LBS...so you will refuse to let more s$itty people bully you out of a good life or make you feel afraid. F**k them. While you have Millyness and your kids are ok and there is prosecco in the fridge and flowers in your garden, you have your true jewels that can't be bought or stolen...and you will fight past this by getting tough and logical and doing what you need to do. And we love you and we will always be here cheering you on.

Awesome Treasur!! And I completely agree.  Milly, print this one out. It is pure gold. Like you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline serenity

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #52 on: April 08, 2019, 01:55:55 PM »
I’m so sorry Milly. That’s an awful thing to have happened and you must feel so violated!

Your lovely home was your sanctuary and it must now feel tainted!

It’s unbelievable that the lbs seems to get hit by one thing after another.

I do hope things pick up for you soon

Hugs

X

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #53 on: April 08, 2019, 02:21:18 PM »
Hello,

I tried to be UM. Found the perfect GIF

Showed a lady holding a large machine gun and saying "Say hello to my Little Friend"

Tried a million ways and it still wouldn't load.

But I hope you get the message.

I am truly sorry and Treasur has responded so well to your crisis.


((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

You mean this one? - UM
« Last Edit: April 09, 2019, 12:18:30 AM by UrsaMajor »
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #54 on: April 08, 2019, 07:16:14 PM »
Hello,

Sorry about the post about the lady with the gun. Maybe HS is not quite the forum to post about angry lady's with guns!

However, I was so darn mad at those jerks. Really mad.

My feeling is you mess with one of us! You mess with all of us!

Morte is right. We are a cult.


((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #55 on: April 08, 2019, 11:14:52 PM »
A quick google search says the landlord is responsible for fixing damage caused to property from a break in...not specific to your country Milly, but worth looking into before you outlay any money! Good luck
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #56 on: April 09, 2019, 12:14:01 AM »
Thank you so, so much you lovely people for supporting me through this.

Treasur, your words truly touched me and helped me. Thank you.

Morte, Puzzled, and Anjae, I know you are right, I keep going back to the point that they broke in and touched nothing but the place where the jewellery was. Nothing else. It's just too much of a coincidence.

Kit, thank you so much for thinking of me.

Ready, no need to be sorry for your image of me with a little machine gun friend, I thought it was really funny!

CLG, thank you for having looked that up. I am looking into it here, too. I emailed the estate agent who rented the property to me to ask just that. She said like you, that it's the owner's responsibility to repair the lock. She said she was going to speak to her broker about it, too. I said it's clear the locks are not good enough and I wanted the doors to be re-enforced.

Serenity, you used my word - sanctuary. This house was supposed to be just that. It was supposed to be a new beginning for me and the kids. Now it feels tainted.

Yesterday, I had the lock smith in to see what he could do. He is coming back tomorrow to put in new locks on all 5 doors that have outside access. The doors had locks that could be unlocked from the outside, too. He is going to seal all the outside locks on the 4 doors that are not the main entrance. He is also going to put metal bolts on the inside of all 5 doors so that even if they should get through the lock, the door will not open.

I ordered alarms for the doors online. They arrived yesterday and my D21 set them up on the 5 doors last night. They do work well. They go off the minute the door is touched and it's very loud. They are not connected to the police or anything but it gives us a warning and we can call the police at that point.

The next thing would be to have lighting outside all around the house and possibly cameras. Like I said, the landlady is washing her hands of the situation. I don't have her permission to seal the locks or put in the bolts but since she's basically saying FU, I'm taking care of my kids. Maybe she would prefer to deal with our dead bodies in her property.

I did write back to the landlady saying that I would be making my own enquiries into who was liable. I got an email back from her daughter (in her 30s) who said that I should write to her because her mother was in the hospital and what was I demanding.

I told her better locks, sealed locks, bolts, possibly gates, lighting. I told her the house was open and I could not live like this.

So another battle ahead. Thanks to BD, I have a good lawyer so I can get a nice, scary letter made up right away. The landlady will wish she hand't rented to Milly, but I will not be bullied into accepting a living arrangement that could kill us.



Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #57 on: April 09, 2019, 03:18:06 AM »
Milly, I am so glad you are getting some alarms as well as the locks replaced. Ask your lawyer if you can deduct some of these costs from the rent.  Some of these costs can be offset where I live, but laws vary as to how protective they are of tenants. The alarms will give you some peace of mind.  Stay safe.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #58 on: April 09, 2019, 03:26:03 AM »
Milly, I'm so sorry this has been added to the long list of unfair things that have happened to you and the kids. I'm glad you are getting the house a bit more secured. It will bring some peace of mind but I agree with the others. This wasn't random and the burglar went in looking for something specific. It doesn't make it any less scary but the main thing is that you are all well

Big hugs!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #59 on: April 09, 2019, 03:29:54 AM »
Geez Milly, you sure got your fighting pants on quickly.  Well done.  I can't believe how strong you are given you have just been so sick. 
You go girl!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Shining Star

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #60 on: April 09, 2019, 03:52:02 PM »
Oh Milly:  I was so sad to read about the past few days.  How horrible for so many reasons.  I completely understand that aside from the memories -- a few material objects -- may be all we have left of our old life with our Hs or parents, etc.  Jewelry from someone you loved always makes you feel closer when you wear it.  I am heartbroken for you.  I am happy to hear that you have moved into LBS energy mode and are making the house safe.  I didn't see that you answered about a dog.  Can you get a big one to eat a burglar?   I would also stay on top of the police.  I would call once a week to see if they have any information.  They probably will say no, but I would make sure that they didn't forget about me.  They have lots of cases, but will work harder on a case that has a nuisance caller :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #61 on: April 10, 2019, 12:36:24 AM »
Thank you Maleficent, One day, Hope and Shining. The guy is here right now putting in new locks and sealing the outside of the locks so that a tool cannot be inserted. I have yet to go down to the police station to do the official statement. They told me to make a descriptive list of the jewellery and to try to find photos. No luck on photos that are clear enough to see.

I will be asking the rent agent, and if needed my L, whether I can deduct these repair fees from the rent. Next will be to get very good lighting and cameras. There is no electric outlet outside though, and I sense the landlady is going to be really annoying about it. I guess she hasn't learnt how really annoying Milly can be.

Shining, I keep forgetting to answer about the dog. I have a dog, a cute, straight from a cartoon movie Cocker Spaniel who will hug a burglar. Ugh! We love her to bits and has been so important for the kids and I since BD. She is our unconditional love, our comfort blanky, brings a smile to our faces on a sad day, sleeps against our bodies at night, she's just....... I have no words.

I really can't get another dog. I don't have the time, the space, the energy for another dog and especially a big one although it would be a good idea. The lady who cleaned for me was burgled and she has a giant, potentially aggressive dog and they fed the dog tranquilizer. But the lady was not at home when the burglars entered.

I saw my IC yesterday. She really struggled to help me this time.  It's not just the constant hurdles, but the fact that this one cut close to the basics - survival. It's put me back in hyper alert mode. I feel that I must never let my guard down, it's not worth it.

She admits that she's never seen someone with as much 'bad luck.' She tells me none of it is my fault. That some people do live through life with more problems than others. All these terrible things that have happened to me in these last 5 years have all been consequences of BD. She tells me as a scientist she shouldn't be saying this but there does seem to have been a negative force working against me in particular these past 5 years. It might sound like codswallop but it does feel like it could be true. How to remove bad forces from around oneself? Certainly OW comes to my mind. I know she wishes I could be destroyed.

I have also been trying to think of who could have done the break in as it is clear they knew how to move around the house and where to go. Talking to my IC, I remembered that in December I had my Ikea kitchen fitted. They sent a company of foreign workers. They were in my house for 4 hours in exactly the room where my jewellery was taken from. Sound like too much of a coincidence to you too?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline serenity

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #62 on: April 10, 2019, 01:19:11 AM »
Hello Milly

Good to hear you’re getting some safer locks and exploring other ideas. Surely your landlady is responsible to cover the costs as it’s her property?

I must admit when I moved to my new home last Aug that was one of the first jobs I did - to install lots more locks and security. My back doors only had a hook holding them together!

I’ve even rigged up an extra metal thing that goes across my french window doors at the back! I have a burglar alarm but can’t work it! I must admit alarms go off all the time in my village and no one takes much notice! I’ve even fitted big bolts to internal doors

I think a burglary must be the worst thing but your home is your safe place.

Could you also fit a small safe into your home?

X


Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #63 on: April 10, 2019, 11:22:47 AM »
Serenity, I guess I was a little naive not to think about security when I moved in. Good for you that you thought about this stuff. This is still a weakness in me, to think that everyone is good, or that people would only rent out secure houses or at least warned me about it. I am learning slowly.

Apparently, my landlady is not responsible for fixing the locks. I've had confirmation from the estate agent. Easy being a landlord nowadays. I did have more contact with the landlady's daughter. I had asked her for lights outside urgently. She answered saying that I could put some up myself if I wanted and also make the locks more secure but it would be at my expense. I'm ok with that. I was worried the landlady would just say no to everything because she's a control freak. I'm going to take this email of the daughter to be my 'permission' to have closed off the locks on the outside and for me putting bolts in. I have already messaged my electrician. I want to put lighting all around the house so that if anyone, even a caterpillar, should attempt to enter my radar, the whole place will light up.

D21 has gone off to the coast with her boyfriend for a few days. I was sorry to hear she was going as I've been scared in the house and she makes me feel more secure. Anyway, I know she needs a break from our ongoing misery and I'm feeling better now with my new locks and alarms.

H is still contacting S14 regularly. H was meant to have come over this past Sunday to help mow the lawn (H's idea) but S told him not to come as we'd been burgled. H's answer was to shut the doors. Anyway, he has been rescheduling with S. H says he'll come Saturday morning at 10am to mow the lawn then he'll take S for a hair cut and which barbour does S want to go to and does S want H to make an appointment.

My IC said yesterday that I need to book dinner out with the kids again on Saturday as sort of a FU to life and destiny. She would only take half the money from me for yesterday and told me to have a pizza out with the kids on her. I think I will do that. As the lady who cleaned for me for years said yesterday, they took my jewellery but didn't harm the kids and didn't kill my dog. She said sometimes these are warnings for ourselves. I need to think this way. I need to feel that I was burgled by good burglars this time so that I made my house safer so that the bad burglars will not be able to get in after all.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline heroIam

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #64 on: April 10, 2019, 11:41:11 AM »
Milly. So sad to hear about the break in.  Cameras and security alarms should be installed.  Was your little dog there when they broke in?  Ugh.  Hopefully jewelry was insured?  But I know its the sentimental value of items that mattered most.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #65 on: April 10, 2019, 11:49:00 AM »
Thank you, Hero. My little dog was here when they broke in but she didn't say a word. I don't have insurance any more.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #66 on: April 10, 2019, 11:55:49 AM »
Milly, you get knocked down, you rise up.  Such admirable strength. 
You have proven once again that you are Indomitable Milly! 
UM, you got any GIF for Super Woman, named IM?

It really sucks to lose all the jewelry.  No doubt about that.
It’s also given you the opportunity to prove to yourself yet once again that you overcome each challenge with determination.  You are doing so very well.
((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #67 on: April 10, 2019, 12:13:39 PM »
What great advice H had--to shut the doors. He's a genius! OMG. I. Can't. Even.

Anyway, I got these motion lights that are solar and battery operated. And they are on a network so if 1 is tripped they all light up like a Christmas tree. They aren't the brightest, but they do light up and you can have a bunch all around your house. They are called Mr. Beams. Look for the solar network ones. I can Pm you the exact one. Battery just needs replacement once a year. They are really great though. And you don't need electrical connection.  Winning!

There is always a bright side to these stories and I am happy you see it now. It is so easy for us to fall into victim mode b/c truly we have been beat down. I like to think we are going to be freaken amazing one of these days. You know, with all that growth. Anyway, you are amazing. Like Acorn said, you get knocked down, and you keep getting back up. Strong indeed. Maybe a little Super-Humany. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #68 on: April 10, 2019, 12:14:50 PM »
‘Shut the doors.’ 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline serenity

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #69 on: April 10, 2019, 01:09:03 PM »
Good for you Milly,

You’re doing everything you can now to make you all safe!

I think I’m a bit paranoid over locks and stuff. I’ve just not really felt safe since I’ve been alone!

I don’t know what my dog would do either, although she’d definitely make a lot of noise.

Your cleaning lady is right in saying that the most important thing is you’re all safe and well. Although it must be devistating to lose your precious jewellery.

That was a kind gesture from your IC. So it’s nice to know there are good people!

Hugs

X


Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #70 on: April 10, 2019, 05:00:23 PM »
I loved the gesture from your IC - it clearly shows what a nice person YOU are :)

I think dogs are a great deterrent. My house is not very safe, however, I have three dogs!  They wake me up at three in the morning protecting me against possums and rats (enormous!!) - I want to kill'em at this point, however, I know that they protect me and my kids!

I have a bar on my front double door and it is a comfort to me.

I am anxious to have a rottweiler again ;D
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #71 on: April 11, 2019, 06:46:02 AM »
"Shut the doors...."



Nothing for an IM but how about this one:

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #72 on: April 11, 2019, 06:57:45 AM »
Yep, that’s Milly.  I recognize her in your GIF.  Thanks, UM!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #73 on: April 11, 2019, 07:06:50 AM »
How decent of your IC.  There are good people in this world. Bless her heart.

I have always had big dogs, Great Dane's, Anatolian Shepherd, etc., so I always felt safe, when I moved out I made sure my apartment was not on ground level.  Just made me feel safer up on the 2nd floor.

Molly the one good thing is the jewelry is gone so they have no reason to break in anymore.
It's very possible one of those workers cased the place, but who ever shouldn't be back they got what the wanted.

Hope you can relax a little more now.
Your dog sounds adorable.  Some are just lovers.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #74 on: April 11, 2019, 11:36:10 AM »
Thank you all for your support and for making me laugh my head off! I love my GIF! I need to buy a big bangle to wear on my wrist and call it my IM weapon!

Yes, my H said shut the doors. No doubt he said with an extremely serious face. It's as if he's a child play acting at being a dad. He knows you're supposed to give some advice but he can't for the life of him work out what that could be. Or maybe he just thinks we got burgled because I'm irresponsible and leave the doors open at night. Yes, that's probably it, it's all Milly's fault as usual.

So I booked the Hard Rock Café in Florence for the kids and I Saturday night. We never go there but I felt we needed to go somewhere with a lot of colour, somewhere lively and that would not be connected to any MLC memories. S is really excited. I told him he can invite his friend to come with us.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #75 on: April 11, 2019, 11:41:31 AM »
That's lovely Milly!! I'm sure you will enjoy it, you deserve to relax and have fun  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online stillbaffled

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #76 on: April 11, 2019, 11:52:12 AM »

So I booked the Hard Rock Café in Florence for the kids and I Saturday night. We never go there but I felt we needed to go somewhere with a lot of colour, somewhere lively and that would not be connected to any MLC memories. S is really excited. I told him he can invite his friend to come with us.


Sounds like lots of fun.   Enjoy!
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #77 on: April 11, 2019, 12:07:49 PM »
Sorry I'm still laughing at "tell her shut the doors"  ha ha

Oh thank you H I never would have thought to shut the doors, there's where I went wring.   ::)

Have fun Milly!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #78 on: April 11, 2019, 12:12:49 PM »
So I booked the Hard Rock Café in Florence for the kids and I Saturday night. We never go there but I felt we needed to go somewhere with a lot of colour, somewhere lively and that would not be connected to any MLC memories. S is really excited. I told him he can invite his friend to come with us.

Great idea.  :)

Don't worry with what husband may, or may not think. In five minutes, or tomorrow he will either forgot what he thought or may think something else.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #79 on: April 11, 2019, 02:21:48 PM »
Hard rock cafe is good. I like going there and TGI Fridays. :)

Mind Milly...

.....shut the doors.  :o ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Yo

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #80 on: April 11, 2019, 03:20:23 PM »
Milly I am just catching up the news...
Ugly experience what you had but the cleaning lady is right!

I am laughing too with the "shut the doors" advise!
Maybe that is something he should do in his life!

I am glad you are ok and you keep taking care of yourself and your kids.

Send you a big hug with love! ❤
Yo ☺

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #81 on: April 12, 2019, 12:28:12 AM »
Thank you Oneday, Still, Thunder, Anjae, Morte and Yo. You guys keep me going.

So, supposedly, tomorrow morning at 9am H will be here to mow the lawn. At 12, he will take S14 to get a hair cut at S's chosen barbour. 3 hours in my garden. I would have thought that was very dangerous stuff, hasn't he heard about my bangles?

The one pleasure I get is that OW would be going off her head if she knew. He clearly doesn't actually care what she thinks. I don't think mowing the lawn is an emergency situation he just had to help out with, so he wants to, that's all.

My intention is to stay out of his way. I will be in my pjs, no silk blouse, maybe a little mascara just in case, and I will just get on with my Saturday morning as if some handyman were outside. I have to be honest though, the idea that my H will be in my radar is causing me to cycle. I'm not irrational or anything, but it is affecting me. 

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #82 on: April 12, 2019, 12:32:08 AM »
Well, it's something different for sure. No expectations, mascara on, be busy with other things, bat any mind monkeys on the head good or bad, see how you feel afterwards like it is an experiment. If nothing else, free garden work and your son gets to soend a few hours with him. That ow wouldn't like it is like a free plastic gift at the bottom of the cereal box lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #83 on: April 12, 2019, 03:01:09 AM »
One thing while he is there Milly....

Shut the doors! <snort> 



Yep, I'm goin' to Hades.........
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #84 on: April 13, 2019, 02:28:25 AM »
Treasur, I like the idea of looking at my H here this morning as an experiment. That gives it a clinical air. I am going to do just that.

He is outside in the garden right now. He's been here for a while and just asked S14 to make him a cappuccino on my coffee maker.

I forgot to tell you all that H did pay me back for the credit card debt. It's at least a couple of weeks ago just before I got ill. Still owes me for the Christmas present.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Reb2817

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #85 on: April 13, 2019, 03:42:46 AM »
My exh has been sending emails lately asking if he can come do yard work as well. Must be a 3-4 year thing.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #86 on: April 13, 2019, 04:16:47 AM »
That's funny, Reb. Definitely must be a thing!

My H asked for a croissant with his coffee earlier on. Of course he knows that Milly's house is supplied with couches and cushions and blankies and tasty snacks especially those with sugar, salt, and vinegar.

 I snooped from the bathroom window a little. H was asking S if we were going away for Easter. S said no but we were having friends over. H asked which friends. Asked if their kids were coming and what were their names again. Asked what the sleeping arrangement is right now that D21 is at home, and what was it when both D24 and D21 were here at Christmas, as in who slept in which bed and who slept with Mummy.

It got too late to take S to the barbour as it shuts at lunch time. H told S he has 'something to do this afternoon' so can't take him later. They've both just gone off for a pizza somewhere.

The garden looks really nice. H cleaned up the rocks lying here and there and straightened up the pots (although not how I want them), tidied up the logs and bits of branches I had for my fire, and re-positioned the garden furniture. I heard him tell S that the garden looks really nice now. I also heard him giving S instructions on how to clear up a pile of wood that came from a giant tree that was cut down. He told S he needs to burn it. Yes, that's all I need. So I guess this is where they point out things that need doing but are not actually doing them themselves. We know that pile of wood needs sorting since we see it every day when we leave the doors open!

I am enjoying this experiment. I am observing these actions and words as if I were doing research. You all being experts, too, will be able to make your own conclusions.

I will take the free garden work. Buzz for a bonus as I suspect he'll never come and do this again, but I believe he's leaving us his lawn mower since I see it parked neatly in a corner and has a cover on it to protect it from the weather. Of course, this will mean he doesn't need it for his own garden.  I could monkey brain and wonder why, but I won't. If I get the mower, we will have a lovely garden all the time, and I will not have to buy one.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Reb2817

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #87 on: April 13, 2019, 04:42:44 AM »
Milly

Free gardening is good. I kind of wish I had taken my ex up on his offer. I figured he was trying to ease his guilt so I said no. Plus I do better in life with out him around. And he has been such a jerk that I wasn't sure if he was up to something. Glad yours is  doing the yard work and having quality time with your son. Mine is still afraid of me. I like that he was asking questions about your life. Mine asked me about my future and what I was doing with the house. I told him I was staying in it for now, but I don't know what my future holds. You could see a confused look on his face.

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #88 on: April 13, 2019, 05:39:23 AM »
I think you dealt with his visit really well, Treasurs advice of an experiment and free gardening was golden. It sounds like it hasn’t upset your equilibrium, and a free new mower too 🤞what a bonus 😄

Hope the monkeys don’t make too much of an appearance after his visit ( I always struggle with them after any news or the lightest contact ) but we know they don’t last as long and don’t consume us as much as they used to

I’m sorry to read what you’ve been going through with the burglary, I’m so impressed how quickly you got on it and got things sorted, but it’s a horrible thing for you to have to go through

Hope you can feel safe again in your lovely home 🙂
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #89 on: April 13, 2019, 02:04:04 PM »
Reb, I forget how far along you are. I can understand that you need to not have him around in order to detach. I'm almost 5 years, so I've been through so many cycles now, that I can stand and watch quite well.

Still, thank you for your sympathy over the burglary. It has really affected me. Having put in the alarms and sealed the locks plus having ordered lighting and cameras makes me feel like I'm partly in control again and that has helped. At first I was thinking I needed to move from this house but then I realized I was just running. Tonight at dinner  we were talking about the burglary and S's friend said to S, 'Can you imagine if they had gone in your room and you had seen them?' S said that he would have punched them. My S is very big for his age, his friend is normal sized. I'm glad that my S thinks he could have tackled a burglar. Better that than being terrified.

So we've been out to our loud Hard Rock café dinner, me, S14, his tennis friend, D21, and her boyfriend. It was fun. We got to walk into the center of town and order cocktails (non alcoholic for them!) and it was a change.

S told me that when he went for lunch with H, H told him he had to go finish some work this afternoon but did he want to go out to dinner with him tonight. S said he couldn't because he was going to the Hard Rock Café. H said 'You like that place?'

S said that at some point he asked H if he hears from D24. H said no, that D24 'is mad at me and Mummy.' Then he corrected himself and said, 'No, she's mad at me. I'm going to call her tonight and tell her she needs to be more in contact with me and Mummy.'

S said that H asked him when he's going to go stay at his house. S said he'll come during the summer but only if he's alone. H said ok.

Just wanted to update so I have a reference for the future. I'm not monkey braining (thanks for reminding me Still), in as I'm not expecting him to dump the OW, ask for forgiveness, and come back home. I've done that so many times that I've learned. I'm watching like it's a tv show. It's interesting.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline 1trouble

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #90 on: April 13, 2019, 02:43:36 PM »
Milly

you are sounding so strong and I think your son is a credit to you x

So sorry to read about your burglary I really hope you find the strength to enjoy your home and
don't let these scumbags stop that.
And I really hope all your personal possessions find their way back to you x

Very interesting your H's current actions he does sound reflective in some ways and it sounds like
he is a little unstuck from the re-occurring pattern but you never really know until you look back
what this means in the great MLC'er scheme of things

But back to real life I have to say I love this new "ballsy" Milly she is really moving forward
toward great thingsx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #91 on: April 13, 2019, 03:25:07 PM »
Nice of husband to come around to mow your lawn, Milly. Remeber, no expectations.  ;)

Glad you had a nice time in town with son and his friends.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Reb2817

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #92 on: April 13, 2019, 07:07:29 PM »
Milly.
I'm 4 years bd. And 3.5 years he has been out of the house. In very detached. I can't get my self in to his drama. But it must be nice for you to be able to get a glimps into what's happening with him. Does your h look happy ?  Mine looks like a mess. Which sorry to say, it makes my day that he is having a hard time.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #93 on: April 13, 2019, 11:52:14 PM »
Reb, good for you that you are detached. My H looks awful, worn out, very old. Yesterday he was dressed really badly like a hobo, which is probably more his real style. During these last 5 years he's been super dressed up in skinny designer clothes with silly teenager shoes. OW wants him to look his best at all times, he said once. At BD, H still had dark hair, was very handsome, super healthy looking for a man of 54, now he looks like the usual man in his late 50s who is tired, stressed, unhappy.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #94 on: April 14, 2019, 02:00:20 AM »
Milly sounds like you are really strong and seeing how husband looks and your experiment of h is fascinating. Free garden work a bonus! I hope your h does ring d24 and she is in more contact in the future. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Shining Star

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #95 on: April 14, 2019, 04:15:07 AM »
Hi Milly,

We are on the same time line -- or close to it.  My H still looks good, or so I am told.  For you, what do you think it means, especially since he said the OW always wants him to look nice?  Could the fantasy life with Ms. Perfect be crumbling?  I know we are not suppose to monkey brain, but of course we do.  I know we can't have expectations, or we fall down the rabbit hole, but is this new behavior that he wants to come around and do the lawn and is it new for him to ask all the questions about you and the kids?  Just sitting here drinking my coffee pondering on your life :) 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #96 on: April 14, 2019, 05:26:12 AM »
Hello,

MLCer's what a trip. I am glad that your H paid you back and admitted that he messed things up with D24. That's big. A lot of MLCer's don't like to admit they are wrong- it's that teenage thing all over again.

I haven't seen my ex in a couple of years so I can't relate how she looks now.

Quote
My H asked for a croissant with his coffee earlier on. Of course he knows that Milly's house is supplied with couches and cushions and blankies and tasty snacks especially those with sugar, salt, and vinegar.

I think when they cycle, they come back to the familiar. They know what to expect and what they can get. Too bad the rest of their brain is malfunctioning.

Quote
I know we can't have expectations, or we fall down the rabbit hole, but is this new behavior that he wants to come around and do the lawn and is it new for him to ask all the questions about you and the kids?  Just sitting here drinking my coffee pondering on your life :)

Yes, that is something to ponder, but do so like talking about a tv show that we are not writing. You can discuss and guess, but we know that the next episode can make a turn for better or worse. No expectations or yes, we will fall down the rabbit hole.

Quote
Still, thank you for your sympathy over the burglary. It has really affected me.

Yes, when my house got broken in to, I was so angry and violated. The big difference between our situation was my thieves were stupid kids. They did more damage breaking in than what they took. The losses were about $1500.00 in property for a laptop, ipod, and two one ounce silver dollars. They left so much behind. The damage to my double doors they kicked in was closer to $3000.00.

I added new doors and made sure to turn on the alarm system from then on.

Hope you have a lovely Easter!!!

((((Ready))))

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #97 on: April 14, 2019, 07:54:52 AM »
How infuriating that they caused more damage than they took. Not that it makes it any better but jesh oh...  >:(
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #98 on: April 14, 2019, 08:28:43 AM »
Thank you all Rising, Shining, Ready, and Morte for posting.

Ready, what really affected me with this burglary was that they came in while we were in bed. This is the stuff of nightmares.

Shining, so what do I think of how my H looked yesterday. I've seen him like this before during his crisis, so I know it doesn't necessarily mean anything big. What I take it to mean is that the H who dresses up is not a new H but just a fake H. When my H is alone (OW not around), he behaves how he wants. That's not a genuine way to live. I mean, we eat and dress and behave pretty much the same way all the time.

H did look more disheveled than before. He was unkept looking, hair overgrown, unshaven, almost dirty looking. He didn't look like a person you'd want to know. Nothing interesting looking about him at all. In fact, he looked like someone with a miserable life.

This coming to do the lawn is definitely a new thing. He's never mowed the lawn since BD (5 years). He has helped with things in the past but only if I asked and then he would do them begrudgingly. This time he came up with the idea to cut the lawn, bring his mower over, clean up the whole garden, and leave me the mower to use in the future. This is definitely a first.

He hasn't done anything to help me in 18 months. I asked him to help us move into this new house at the end of October and he said no. So this is a change. A change is movement as far as I'm concerned.

His asking for coffee and croissants, is also rare. In the past if he helped, I would offer him a cup of tea and he would always refuse it as if I was trying to seduce him with tea. So this is movement, too.

The asking about the kids and what we're doing, he has done this in the past so I'm not  over-thinking this one. It could be renewed interest in the family, or it could just be small talk.

H spent 3.5 hours in my garden yesterday. Went to lunch with S, and then instead of just dropping him off in the car park like he did in the past, he parked and came back up to the house again and was in the garden talking with S for another 15-20 minutes before he left. This is the longest time he's spent at my house since the first year after BD when he would cake eat until I put a stop to it. I'm still not sure that me putting a strong boundary on his cake eating was correct in my case.

H sent a voice message to S last night saying, 'Had a great time with you today.' S wrote back, 'Me,too.' Then later H messaged S, 'Have a good time at the Hard Rock Café and say hi to D21.' Today he sent another message asking how the grass was looking.

I do take something from the message to S saying he'd had a good time because up until now, H would take S out to a restaurant for lunch or to the mall for a couple of hours then drop him home and say 'See you later.' He then wouldn't be in contact with S for weeks. The fact that H enjoyed himself doing something so simple as working in the garden could be movement. Before my H's crisis, he would spend hours gardening. Once he went into Replay, he didn't enjoy any of the things he used to do before. In fact, he appeared to be bored all the time. From what we can tell, his main pass time was eating out since he ate/eats out breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and shopping.

I have felt that one of the reasons H didn't spend time with S14 these years since BD, was because being a dad and hanging out with S had become boring to him. This is very different from pre-crisis H, who spent the whole weekend playing with S or taking him to his sports. I do think that if my H were to show pleasure in doing simple things again, that would be a sign of movement through his crisis.

As Ready said, it's rare that a MLCer admits fault for anything. My H correcting himself and taking full blame for D24 not talking to either of us is quite a big thing, actually. If he then does something to try to rectify this situation, it will be even more significant. At this point, it's too early to know but it might be the first step. I will only know looking backwards. As Ready said, I am speculating on a show written by someone else. But since you asked, Shining, what are my thoughts, I thought I would share. No harm in noticing stuff.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #99 on: April 14, 2019, 12:22:25 PM »
Nothing wrong with notice things, Milly. All you just wrote about your husband is good and progress. Lets see how things unfold. 

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Maleficent

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #100 on: April 14, 2019, 03:06:43 PM »
Milly,  I am so glad you have the locks and the cameras.  Still frightening, but I hope you are starting to feel safe again in your home.

And, so interesting on your "gardener."  I have noticed on several thread that Hs swing by to do yard work at their old houses.  And, I have had the same experience as well.  But, this is not your original home, so definitely curious.  I like the fact that he took the blame for the situation with D24 as well. But, it was a good encounter, so good to enjoy the simple moments! 

Offline Puzzled

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #101 on: April 14, 2019, 03:30:33 PM »
Milly, thanks for posting your observations and thoughts.  It's interesting that your H chose to work on your yard.  He probably has one, too, at his villa, right?  Also following up with your S that day again and the next, and taking the blame for D24 being cross sound like little positive steps.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline Anon

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #102 on: April 14, 2019, 07:55:44 PM »
Hi Milly - just catching up with your thread, and ya,,something sure is different with your H.   Lots of unmistakable signs.   What will it all mean in the end?  Time will tell but I hope it means real progress.   If it’s real progress remember to be prepared for the temporary retreats back to the safety of the tunnel.  Two steps forward, one step back kind of pattern.   Stay detached as you have been and just observe with interest.  Something is happening for sure but what exactly is it? 

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #103 on: April 15, 2019, 04:34:29 AM »
Same as Maleficent, I also picked up on the fact that he went to do gardening at YOUR house, not his old residence... That is very interesting indeed but too early to say what it means.. After doing a lot of gardening by myself for the last 2 weekends, I wouldn't mind a little bit of help myself!! But it won't happen for as long as my H is living in another country  ::)

I also found interesting what you said about your H loosing interest in things he enjoyed before. Mine was the same, at least anything that he would do with me as a couple. Looking bored? Yep, also that! As I was describing this to a friend she said "It sounds like he lost the passion for life" and I thought it was a good way to put it..

Anyway, at least your H seems to be regaining some interest in the kids which is very good and I hope it continues... But as always, you will only see how this goes once enough time passes and you look back.. In the meantime, enjoy the free gardener  ;)
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 04:35:46 AM by One day at a time »
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #104 on: April 15, 2019, 08:58:49 AM »
This is the longest time he's spent at my house since the first year after BD when he would cake eat until I put a stop to it. I'm still not sure that me putting a strong boundary on his cake eating was correct in my case.

I was wondering if you could elaborate on this a bit more? I recently had some discussion on my thread about cake eating. That for the most part I feel like it shouldn't be allowed, but sometimes I think it should...given particular circumstances.

I think Ready posted about how his wife was a similar ''fatalistic'' MLCer who NEEDED to be shut out to excuse it and run off blaming us. I feel that sometimes with my MLCer, that to completely cut him off...would give him all the excuses in the world that ''it was unfixable, we don't get along, there is no way back''.

Anyway what you said here peaked my interest. I think it is important for everyone to recognise not only what we do right as a LBS, but where we think we made mistakes so that we can help others coming behind us, or indeed those looking back... to identify what strategies worked and what we think didn't. Does that make sense?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #105 on: April 15, 2019, 09:30:25 AM »
Mort, Milly's husbabd come by is a touch & go. He is not living with her, he does not spend the night, etc. There is a subtle difference between Touch & Go and Cake Eat.

I probably allowed Mr J to eat too much cake early on, or maybe it was the (in)famous Paving the Way (no idea, HS didn't exist by then) early on. Nothing come of it in terms of shortning the crisis, etc.

What is a mistake/do right for one LBS may not be for another. It is fine to say what worked, or didn't work for us, but it does not mean it will work for others. Also, work for whom/what? The LBS? The MLCer? The marriage?

It worked for Mr J when I allowed him around and to contact a lot, it didn't work for me.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #106 on: April 15, 2019, 09:44:51 AM »
Mort, Milly's husbabd come by is a touch & go. He is not living with her, he does not spend the night, etc. There is a subtle difference between Touch & Go and Cake Eat.
-I know that. Not really pertinent to my question though? I was asking why she felt she SHOULD have allowed it earlier.  ???

I probably allowed Mr J to eat too much cake early on, or maybe it was the (in)famous Paving the Way (no idea, HS didn't exist by then) early on. Nothing come of it in terms of shortening the crisis, etc. -Obviously agreed. But Mr J seems to be at the far extreme of the spectrum.

What is a mistake/do right for one LBS may not be for another. It is fine to say what worked, or didn't work for us, but it does not mean it will work for others. Also, work for whom/what? The LBS? The MLCer? The marriage? -Exactly. This is why we all should know all the tools we can have in our toolbox. Knowing which to use depending on the outcome we want, and the situation we face. Knowledge is power. How we want it to work is individual to the LBS and their intended outcomes.

It worked for Mr J when I allowed him around and to contact a lot, it didn't work for me. -Good to know. But Milly explicitly states she felt she did the wrong thing. I wanted to know why she felt this way...what she thinks changed because of it.
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Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #107 on: April 15, 2019, 09:56:12 AM »
In my case I did two things wrong that are at odds. I didn't divorce Mr J as soon as OW1 was made public and allowed to be around and contact a lot. That was wrong for me in every way.

On the other hand, cutting off a clinger only tends to make the clinger dive deeper into Replay and grab to MLC lifestyle. Cutting him off was wrong for him, as tends to be to all clinger. They are clinger for a reason.

The thing is, what is good for the clinger may not be, and often isn't, for the LBS. That is one of the tragedies of MLC. That and the time MLC takes.

I don't know what Milly thinks she did wrong. Reading her story and following her threads, maybe with the exception of the credit card thing - and that has more to do with the type of person the LBS is, I can't remember a single wrong thing.
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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #108 on: April 15, 2019, 11:27:03 AM »
On the other hand, cutting off a clinger only tends to make the clinger dive deeper into Replay and grab to MLC lifestyle. Cutting him off was wrong for him, as tends to be to all clinger. They are clinger for a reason.

The thing is, what is good for the clinger may not be, and often isn't, for the LBS. That is one of the tragedies of MLC. That and the time MLC takes.

Obviously your situation is different as you were dealt severe abuse from what you have said. So getting rid of him was essential for your safety and well being. But it is interesting that you seem to note that cutting of a clinger makes them dive deeper. I also see sometimes it makes a clinger become a vanisher. I have wondered in my situation that if I gave Beast reason to believe it was unfixable if he would run and become a vanisher as well. It would be harder for him as we have small children, but not entirely impossible.

Generally I am all for the slam the door in their cake eating faces. But I really think at some small stages, ''cake eating'' is essential if the goal is reconciliation. When it causes no harm to the LBS or LBS children, and seems to be improving the relationship between MLCer and LBS. I think it helps to...correct their own brain washing, or at least cause them to question the reality they spin for themselves...it allows them to see that it IS fixable if they put in the effort. That forgiveness is possible. The reality of some of the pain they have caused. On a more deeper subconscious level I think it affects the whole ''why haven't they abandoned me?'' and ''anyone else would have left me'' type thoughts.

Obviously all hypothetical and individual to each LBS, MLCer, and situation. But anyway...I shall wait to see what Milly's thoughts on her situation are.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #109 on: April 15, 2019, 11:58:22 AM »
Milly fwiw...don't let our debates kick off the monkeys in your brain.
By all means watch the show if it pops up and costs nothing. Enjoy the free lawn work. Even have a little hope that your h might start to be a slightly better father. Be grateful for the money that got repaid perhaps surprising you and his admission that he is the main cause of your eldest daughter's disconnection.
But
He has still not paid child support
He is still embroiling you in ridiculous legal battles trying to prise money out of you.
He would have to mow your lawn for free from now until the end of his life to just balance out the missing child support.....
Stay on the Milly side of the street, it's much nicer  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #110 on: April 15, 2019, 12:22:10 PM »
Stay on the Milly side of the street, it's much nicer  :)

I quite agree.  :D

My 2 cents on this cake-eating thing FWIW. I have heard Acorn say this over and over. And others too of course. But, the reality is, NOTHING we do will help the MLCer on his/her journey. And until they reach that elusive emotional maturation, they will remain in crisis. Nothing is lost by being civil/nice to them. But by no means should cake eating be looked at as a paving the way tactic. (I don't believe so anyway, but what do I know?) And allowing for some family time, especially when one has small children is necessary. But I do not see this as cake eating at all b/c we do it for the kids. They absolutely must come first.

Anyway, Milly, glad to hear H re-paid that cc debt.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #111 on: April 15, 2019, 12:35:03 PM »
Milly fwiw...don't let our debates kick off the monkeys in your brain.
By all means watch the show if it pops up and costs nothing. Enjoy the free lawn work. Even have a little hope that your h might start to be a slightly better father. Be grateful for the money that got repaid perhaps surprising you and his admission that he is the main cause of your eldest daughter's disconnection.

Second Treasur, Milly.


Mort, they aren't called clingers for nothing.  ::) I've always said that Mr is a vanisher because I turned him into one, otherwise he would still be clinging like there was no tomorrow.

Would he be out of MLC? I don't know. The MLC lifestyle he choose is very addictive. If he had keep clinging he would probably still be DJing, clubbing and clinging. That was his big plan in early 2008, we would divorce, I would become his girlfriend and he would carry on with his MLC lifestyle including anyone new he may want to date.  ::) He got a no.

Mr Bursty, Kikki's husband, was another super clinger. He had OW and lived with OW, but he would bring food to Kikki and the boys, etc. If I am not mistaken he went so far as leave food on the doorstep. We laughed a lot with Mr Bursty adventures back in the day. At a point, Kikki needed to sort several things - there were legal issues and a property that needed to be solved - and Mr J Bursty was a bit cut off. Not sure what is the current situation.

The articles are clear, if the MLCer is cut off, the MLCer will grab to OW/OM/MLC friends/lifestyle like there is no tomorrow. They will feel isolated, etc. The articles are also clear a LBS has to do what a LBS as to do. Real vanishers are different, they vanish from the start.

Of course, abusive MLCers are another matter so are those who marry OW/OM since they become someone else's spouse. Does that mean a MLCer who marries OW/OM will not return? It does not. DGU had a friend whose wife married OM. DGU's friend stayed away, but it his MLCer would contact he would be light, friedly and civil. She divorced OM and after a while remarried DGU's friend. Last I heard they were very happy.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #112 on: April 15, 2019, 03:01:41 PM »
Ooh, you guys are good. I'm reading along with great interest and ended with a big laugh at Treasur's post.

Anjae, I'm glad you think there is no harm in me noticing things. I do value your opinion, and very nice to hear you think I'm not doing anything wrong. Thank you!

Maleficent and Puzzled, yes, it's not our original home so basically my garden has absolutely nothing to do with H. In reality, what is an ex who cheated and dumped his wife doing mowing her lawn? Wish I could do that little emoji with the eyes turned up to one side.

Oneday, I find what you're pointing out about the MLCer losing interest in things, important. It's funny how it takes someone else pointing things out to us. You know, I think that a spouse becoming bored with his family and what used to be fun for him, should be a big MLC clue.

Treasur, absolutely, right on, everything you listed. As Anjae said, this was a touch and go that's all. But fascinating when it happens out of the blue by a semi-vanisher.

Kit, I guess that I now would have a more precise idea of what I consider cake eating. Kissing, hugging, sex with the MLCer whilst he's with OP is cake eating to me. Spending time in the house with me or the kids, feeling comfortable coming around the home is not necessarily cake eating.. It's more like having a drug addict loved one who is not in their right mind but I wouldn't say they couldn't come in.

Now Morte, to answer your question. But first a big caveat: do not do this at home! What I mean is, what I'm going to say about my personal view about cake eating in my situation is just my opinion.

So the first year after BD, I was lurking on the forum but not posting so there was a lot happening with my H that I have never posted about. He was a typical boomerang. He would come by the house, we'd have heavy R talks that lasted hours. We spoke on the phone for hours.

He would come to the house several times a week, sit and watch sports in our living room. Play ping pong with S who was 10 at the time. He would stay through dinner, take a plate to the living room and eat alone. He would fall asleep on the couch but never stayed the night. He would make sure to leave at some point. He would help bring the shopping upstairs, help in my winery, he asked my advice on what he should do about his job which he said he hated.

We had many loud fights as well, which always ended with me screaming about OW and how could he and did she sound like me and the poor kids and he was just like his father......Then we would message or phone about something silly and get talking again and then he'd come by again. If he went out with S for a pizza, he would bring one back for me. Once he went to the market with S and came back with tons of flowers for me. He still called me his wife to people, called our house home, said first we'd get divorced then we could talk about getting back together again.

Anyway, I was getting hurt every time I thought he was getting closer and then he would go off to OW. I was also reading on HS and HB that I must not allow cake eating, that I had to let the MLC go off and really live this new life so that he could see what that would be really like.

I had learned that I needed to have a strong boundary about cake eating. So one time he'd been at my house all day until midnight and had said he'd come back in the morning but then he didn't and sent S a message that he was going to be away for a couple of days and OW sent a message from his phone to make sure I knew H was with her. So the next time he came to the house I said, 'I don't think it's right that you come into the house and enjoy the things you like about family life but then you go and have your real fun elsewhere. That's not fair to me. ' He nodded and that was the last time he came into the house.

Soon after, our conversations ended. H got much closer to OW and moved her to our town. H stopped coming around the house because it was cold and what was he going to do with S outside in the winter? By not coming in any more, talking about anything became awkward. Then I was blocked on his phone. He stopped knowing what was happening with the kids. I feel that I helped OW alienate him from his family.

When I told H that he was not to come into the house any more he looked brow beaten. Maybe it's right that he should feel that way, but my H is not a fighter. He's used to rejection and he just takes it. I think my cutting him off made it real for him. I think it might have propelled him deeper into his new life, in that he might have felt that he'd made his bed now and needed to make the most of making it work.

To make it work with the kind of OW he has, he had to do it her way, which also meant going against me and D21 legally. I think he tried really hard to make it work with OW. Maybe he's still trying, what do I know? The harder he tried to make it work with OW, the more damage he was causing me and the kids, making it impossible for him to come back.

Anyway, I think my boundary might have been too tough for my H. I think it's important to keep up communication. It was important for him to be reminded of those cosy family things he still liked even after BD. I think that if we're standing, it's good for them to get glimpses into our new lives.

I did not have a clinger, and with those I think it might be important to have some kind of boundary. The clingers will tell the LBS they love them, then go back to the OW living at the end of the road. That is really hard. There are LBS who reconciled and said they wished they'd cut contact sooner, that they might have prolonged their H's crisis. Who knows. But at least their H still had good thoughts of their wives, so that when they fought with the OW, or reached their rock bottom, they knew where they wanted to be and that they could go there. Mama Bear comes to mind.

What I realize now (for me) is that boundaries are about behaviour directly to me or the kids, that's all. In fact, HB, says you cannot have boundaries about the affair or the D. These two things need to run their course.

When I had a private counseling session with RCR, she said I needed to let H know that I was standing. I didn't feel comfortable doing so because I feared his rejection. I was like that the last few years before BD, too. Scared to tell H I loved him because he was withdrawing from us and I was scared to hear he didn't want me any more. I think there's nothing wrong with telling a spouse we love them as long as we are also moving forward on our own journey at the same time.

If I could have a do-over, I would err on the side of cake eating. My H has been a semi vanisher for the last 2.5 years. If we didn't have children, I believe he would have been a complete vanisher.

Still, I believe that NC is important when the LBS really wants to move on or when the MLCer is abusive. If the LBS feels worse by being in contact with her MLCer, then she needs to cut that contact because it does help once we get through the two weeks of withdrawal. However, the LBS should know that cutting contact might push her H further away so if this is not what she wants, she should avoid NC.

My H has always been the kind of person to give up when the problem got big instead of working to resolve it. He's the kind that will drive right into the crash instead of swerving. My H will bury his head in the sand rather than deal with a problem. When he's criticized, he'll drop that person rather than look at himself and see if anything that person said might be true.

But it's not as simple as keeping contact. This is just one aspect that can help. The MLCer has to go through his crisis anyway. A bit like us having to go through our pain to get stronger and be better versions of ourselves.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #113 on: April 15, 2019, 03:52:55 PM »
If it was wrong for us to point that we notice things, we would't know much about MLC/MLC behaviour and progress.  :)

You had a clinger, Milly. A clinger is a MLCer who is always, or almost always, around and in contact. What do you call a MLCer who still bought food and flowers and who stayed in your house until midnight?

Mr J didn't say he loved me and go back to OW1 who lived down the road. He never said he loved me since a bit before BD (but for once after OW1 was made public) and OW1 lived some 200km from where we lived. Mr J and OW1 never lived together.

We can have boundaries about the affair, as in, no, you are not allowed to come home while there is OW/OM or I do not want OW/OM to come to by house. We cannot decide the affair will have to end and to end now or can only last X. Same for divorce, it is not possible to prevent a person to divorce if they want to.

It was far, far worst for me to have contact with king of clingers Mr J. No peace, no calm, just insane mood swings, not to mention the abuse. Also, I am not the sort of person who lets someone who has left and leads a life with someone else keep knowing about my life. Mr J lost the right to had anything to do with my life the day he left. He was told as much. Didn't stop him from trying.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Anon

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #114 on: April 15, 2019, 04:08:22 PM »
I love reading your posts Milly.   Your situation parallels mine so closely it's weird.   Would you mind if I just copied your stuff and posted it on my thread??   haha... don't answer that.   :P

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #115 on: April 15, 2019, 04:24:03 PM »
My 2 cents on this cake-eating thing FWIW. I have heard Acorn say this over and over. And others too of course. But, the reality is, NOTHING we do will help the MLCer on his/her journey. And until they reach that elusive emotional maturation, they will remain in crisis. Nothing is lost by being civil/nice to them. But by no means should cake eating be looked at as a paving the way tactic. (I don't believe so anyway, but what do I know?) And allowing for some family time, especially when one has small children is necessary. But I do not see this as cake eating at all b/c we do it for the kids. They absolutely must come first.

I guess part of it ''what is defined as cake eating'' is so subjective between individuals. I agree nothing we do will help the MLCer come out of it, but I think there is a lot we can do to make it worse/delay it/ make it harder to return.



Milly thanks so much for really taking the time to explain and answer my question. I really appreciate it.  :-*

Going to just make notes in your quote.

I guess that I now would have a more precise idea of what I consider cake eating. Kissing, hugging, sex with the MLCer whilst he's with OP is cake eating to me. Spending time in the house with me or the kids, feeling comfortable coming around the home is not necessarily cake eating.. It's more like having a drug addict loved one who is not in their right mind but I wouldn't say they couldn't come in. -Great definition of it I think.

I had learned that I needed to have a strong boundary about cake eating. So one time he'd been at my house all day until midnight and had said he'd come back in the morning but then he didn't and sent S a message that he was going to be away for a couple of days and OW sent a message from his phone to make sure I knew H was with her. So the next time he came to the house I said, 'I don't think it's right that you come into the house and enjoy the things you like about family life but then you go and have your real fun elsewhere. That's not fair to me. ' He nodded and that was the last time he came into the house. -Actually I think I probably would have done the same thing to be honest. Having Beast around is okay...in small doses. To midnight every day would have driven me nuts to.  :o


When I told H that he was not to come into the house any more he looked brow beaten. Maybe it's right that he should feel that way, but my H is not a fighter. He's used to rejection and he just takes it. I think my cutting him off made it real for him. I think it might have propelled him deeper into his new life, in that he might have felt that he'd made his bed now and needed to make the most of making it work. -This sounds similar to what I would expect to happen.

Anyway, I think my boundary might have been too tough for my H. I think it's important to keep up communication. It was important for him to be reminded of those cosy family things he still liked even after BD. I think that if we're standing, it's good for them to get glimpses into our new lives. -I think it is extremely important that you are able to identify this, and that it will help you in the future...if you wish to use it. :)

There are LBS who reconciled and said they wished they'd cut contact sooner, that they might have prolonged their H's crisis. -I do wonder if this is because they didn't cut contact, or because they didn't continue with mirror work and growth and movement. I think some people with clingers get stuck..as in standing still...because they are so emotionally dishevelled with the back and forth they can't focus on their own growth. Probably irrelevant as we can't ultimately change an MLCer but interesting none the less.

But at least their H still had good thoughts of their wives, so that when they fought with the OW, or reached their rock bottom, they knew where they wanted to be and that they could go there. -Must be an important factor in facing the destruction caused for sure.


When I had a private counseling session with RCR, she said I needed to let H know that I was standing. I didn't feel comfortable doing so because I feared his rejection. I was like that the last few years before BD, too. Scared to tell H I loved him because he was withdrawing from us and I was scared to hear he didn't want me any more. I think there's nothing wrong with telling a spouse we love them as long as we are also moving forward on our own journey at the same time. -Hmm interesting. I have NOT told Beast anything of this sort. Not since before things went physical with OW anyway. I do not tell him because I do not want him thinking ''Oh well she is waiting, I can do whatever''...I want him to feel that I might not be here forever. Because frankly I might not be;)


My H has always been the kind of person to give up when the problem got big instead of working to resolve it. He's the kind that will drive right into the crash instead of swerving. My H will bury his head in the sand rather than deal with a problem. When he's criticized, he'll drop that person rather than look at himself and see if anything that person said might be true. -Same

Thanks for that detailed post. These kinds of discussions really help me piece things together and hopefully help others too.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #116 on: April 15, 2019, 04:49:33 PM »
I agree nothing we do will help the MLCer come out of it, but I think there is a lot we can do to make it worse/delay it/ make it harder to return.

That used to be one of the main thoughts around here for a long time, and RCR has that view. Xyzcf thinks nothing we do will make a difference and I am more or less of the same opinion.

Also, what is make it worst/delay/make it harder to return? LP cut her MLCer pretty quickly - he was physically violent and tried to kill her, and they had a brutal divorce. It has been years since he wants back. She has no interest and recently she said even if she did he was still not ready.

Xyzcf and Mitz have been nothing but grace, their MLCer is allowed in their homes, they are close, etc. Their MLCers remain in crisis 8 or 9 years down the road.

What would had happen Mr J's crisis wise if I had cut contact with Mr J sooner, lets say at BD? I don't know. He may had panic and come rushing home. What good would that do? He wouldn't had done any work on himself and would had not hit rock bottom.

Clingers, especially super clingers, can hinder their LBS growth. They never let go and they can be overwhelming. Mr J certainly was. It has been years since he cannot come and go and that there is barely any contact. It is not like he has been using those years to do any inner work. MLCers do not tend to work on themselves while in Replay.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #117 on: April 16, 2019, 12:34:48 AM »
Great discussion. Yes, you can have clingers and indulge them, and they never come home. Likewise, you can cut them off right away, and they never come home. Some MLCers get stuck in their crisis.

However, there are different personality types. The clinger will normally not vanish even if the LBS goes NC. The LBS has to insist on her NC for the clinger to really go, like Anjae's H.  On the other hand, the MLCer who is an initial boomerang can vanish very quickly if the LBS goes NC. It just takes the LBS saying go away once and the MLCer really goes away, and not only for a long time, but often in distance too, moving far away. 

I'm just going to throw this out there, it's possible that the clinger needs to feel the LBS's love is there, he needs confirmation of that love, it gives him security similar to what a mother provides. The vanisher type, however, takes offense and immediately pulls down the big doors on the LBS. She hurt him and he knows how to cut someone off who hurts him. He's probably done that with one of his parents at some point as a child or teen.

My friend who is a doctor, I've spoken about her before, told me it was important to keep a line of communication. I spoke to her about NC and the advice here, and she said that contact must be kept up if I wanted to reconcile. Her H also had a MLC, he was a vanisher, went to the other side of the world, gave her no address, was monster, no maintenance, but he was a wallower, no OW. One day he just woke up is how he described it. He talked about living in a fog. They are now reconciled and better than ever.

It's hard to know how much contact is correct. We don't want to appear needy as that is unattractive, we also don't want to appear as though we're waiting. I would say that the fundamental point of whatever contact we choose to have, is that we must keep working on ourselves and moving forward in our lives. The whole point being we cannot resolve their crisis. As long as we don't neglect our own work, then I don't think that communicating with the MLCer can hurt. My opinion only of course.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #118 on: April 16, 2019, 07:04:25 AM »
Hi Milly, I read your most recent posts several times as I truly wished to understand where you were coming from.  I’m not going to comment on contact/going dim/ no contact and how they may affect the chances of reconciliation.  Because, I firmly hold the opinion that any type of contact LBS chooses is not dependent upon the future prognosis of M but the needs and wants of LBS so that he/she can heal and live her life to the full.  That would be the ultimate paving in my view.  It’s strong, mature and honourable. 

I read and understand your regret about the decisions you made regarding your boundaries.  If I may, please, I would like to offer a different view.

For what it’s worth, I think your H’s initial back and forth is no different than many MLCers of newbies described here.  At the beginning of their journey, they still have the habits/memories of their old life.  They can still see their ‘old’ life as they are not that far away from the entrance of the tunnel.  They maintain one foot in the old life, the other in the tunnel, afraid to let go of either. 

I think you did the right thing by putting a firm stop to his indecision.  He was maintaining both worlds to your and your kids’ detriment.  Even if you had left the decision to him, OW would have made it for him fairly soon anyway.   You, not OW, took control of your situation and decided on a course that upheld your dignity and gave you a decent chance to chart your own course in life.  It’s my guess that you wouldn’t this strong, independent, gracious and dignified had you allowed him to continue to waffle between your family and OW. 

As for showing LBS’s love to MLCer.  Love is not a tool that can be used to convince/persuade MLCer that they have chance with us if they repent(!).  It’s not our job to make them see our love.  It’s their job to SEE and understand.  It’s only one anecdote, however, I will share....  H has recently told me that it was my love that kept me praying for him all these dark years.  Yes, I told him I loved him, begged him, pleaded with him, immediately after BD.  After that, I did not breathe a word about it, nor did I show him.  I kept my interactions polite and gracious.  Nothing more.  I left him alone completely and treated him like a distant cousin/demented uncle who was down on his luck and living with us for a while.  I think I showed more love to a checkout clerk than my H!  However, he knew.  He always knew that I loved him. 

Just my 2 cents’.  Discard if it is total nonsense to you, Milly. 
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 07:37:58 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #119 on: April 16, 2019, 07:27:14 AM »
Milly that is a constant battle in our heads on what we should do and how we do it.
My opinion is all MLCers are different. What works on one   , will not work on the other.
That probably doesn't help you one bit,  but it's the way I see it. We just have to do what we feel is right.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #120 on: April 16, 2019, 07:49:16 AM »
Oh Milly, I have constantly questioned certain decisions I made as well.. Was I right in asking him to move out? Was I right to tell him to limit contact to only when necessary? Did that cause him to move abroad? etc etc etc..

But I like what Acorn said.. You (and I) took control of our lives.. Now that we have removed ourselves from the roller coaster and we are a bit more detached, we think we could have handled things differently but at the time the decisions were made, we were spinning, our lives were a roller coaster and we were simply trying not to drown. If we had taken a different approach we would probably not be at the point we are now and that is a bit more sane and not completely hating our Hs for allowing them to continue to hurt us, devalue us and disrespect us.

As for showing love? I showed love to my H by letting him go. That's what he said he wanted so I gave it to him even though I didn't want it.. He might not see it as love but as the saying goes.. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #121 on: April 16, 2019, 08:05:44 AM »
I think Acorn is right. We never know the path not taken but, based on what you could see, you chose to protect yourself and your family from more damage and disrespect, from a painful chaos you didn't cause and couldn't fix. You chose to respect yourself and your kids regardless of what was going on. And as One Day says too, letting someone go to learn from their own choices is simply a different kind of love but it is respecting them too really isn't it?  Any of us that manage to do that and not beat them with a vengeful stick? Good enough. And if the MLC process is accurate, they need to go down their own path if they are to ever come out the other side....so we do them a disservice perhaps by trying to hold on. And often hurt ourselves for much longer if we do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #122 on: April 16, 2019, 10:22:07 AM »
Apparently I never "attached" to your latest thread.... I was just sitting here wondering where is Milly?  Catching up now. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #123 on: April 16, 2019, 10:40:41 AM »
Milly, Boomerangs are clingers. Off/ON and Vanishers are different types of MLCers. Clingers and Boomerangs the same.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html - Contact Types: Boomerang, Off-and-On, Vanisher.

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/the-clinging-boomerang-soap-opera/ - The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera Part I

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/the-clinging-boomerang-soap-opera-part-ii/ - The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera Part II


All Acorn said.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #124 on: April 17, 2019, 04:17:52 PM »
Thank you all for your many thoughts and encouragement.

Anjae, I think you said something very wise when you said that if the LBS behaves in a way that were to bring the MLCer home sooner, he won't have done his work, so what good would that be? This is soooo right. We dream of our MLCers coming home, especially as newbies we hope to be the exception, and there are some of those, but those ones are a nightmare to live with. You would have to be soo strong to deal with a MLCer who comes home to soon. I do not want one of those.

You also say another important thing, that clingers can hinder the LBS growth.  I can't stress enough to any newbies reading, how vital it is for us LBSs to grow. This is what saves us. Of course, none of us would wish to be here, but this growing we are forced to do, is the bonus prize. Unfortunately, this growth takes time. The MLCer also needs to grow, and that takes time, too. We are going through similar journeys. No point us getting back together if neither one has done their work.

Regarding clingers and boomerangs, I'm going to say they are similar but not the same. Certainly closer in kind than the off-and-oner and vanisher. When my H would come to our house, he would be in the other room from me. He never wanted to be where I was. He never touched me or said one nice thing about me. I guess it's not dissimilar to the live-ins who live in their dungeons or in the man-cave.

Acorn, I wasn't coming from anywhere. I had this unexpected touch and go from my H last week and that lead to my thinking about how my H disappeared on me these last two years, and whether my cutting him off had been a contributor to him vanishing. I'm not pushing for people to keep communication with a monster, or promoting cake eating, I'm just speaking out loud about my own personal feelings. There is no black and white situation as we all keep stating.

You had a live in. You didn't kick him out, which could be compared a little to going NC or saying don't come to the house any more. You allowed him to stay at home while he had an OW. This is one way to go through our spouse's MLC. Others can't bear to watch their spouse go to the OP and then come home, so they tell them to leave. Others have their spouse leave and go live right away with the OP, and accept to have regular contact with them anyway. Others, have their spouse go live with the OP, and decide to have no contact. These are all versions of the MLC lives we live. It's really up to us to decide how we want to go through this.

I think you're right that if I hadn't cut the contact with my H, the OW would have enforced it, so the fact that I did it, is empowering to me. Thanks for pointing that out. What you say about the LBS needing to live her life to the full is also very important. If contact with the MLCer hinders this, it's not going to help the situation at all.

Now your final paragraph is actually what I'm talking about when I say that for me it's important to maintain communication, so as to be able to be that gracious distant relative. Yours was around, and you could keep doing that. When a MLCer vanishes, or semi-vanishes there is no opportunity to do this. They go, they get 'lost.'

To have an on-offer, or vanisher, or semi-vanisher is a whole different beast. We don't know what makes a MLCer stay at home versus vanishing but there must be a reason. Hopefully, one day it will be known. In the meantime we must do what we feel in our guts is the right thing to do with our MLCer. We can be guided and advised. We can ignore advice and get it wrong, but still we should do what we feel in our guts because we can live with that, even if it doesn't give us the outcome we want.

I am just giving my views, asked for by Mortesbride, but I'm happy to disclose how I view my situation. I can hide my thoughts because they might go against the grain, but why would I do that? We are all still learning. I'm nobody. If I say how I feel and how I wish I'd done things, I'm not going against RCR and what she stands for, she has said much of what I believe.

I think we're all saying similar stuff actually. I don't believe in NC unless the LBS wants to move on faster. Then it will certainly help. I believe NC is very effective when the LBS can't take the crazy dealings with the MLCer or when the MLCer is abusive. For me, NC is just for the LBS and her need for peace and space to heal. NC is not for helping reconciliation or for pushing the MLCer forward.

Of course, in theory, nothing will help reconciliation, however, pestering, being a b*tc#, being controlling, offensive, and accusing might jeopardize a chance at reconciliation.

Helpingme, I totally agree with what you say, that's why I think the LBS needs to trust her instinct.

DF, glad you found me again!

Anon, I know we have very similar situations. That's gives me comfort in that weird way.

Oneday and Treasur, I think this is one of our weights, this constant questioning of whether we could have done things differently. Thanks for reminding me that I made decisions at the time, thinking of what was best for me and the kids. I did also make decisions based on what I read here and on HB, even though I didn't really feel them inside. They might turn out to be the right decisions, I'm not discounting it, I just don't know yet.

I am getting over my burglary, the fear of intruders, and the loss of all my jewellery. I know material things mean nothing in the big picture but they did give me some pleasure, some sense of I still have something. Now I don't have anything left. Nothing at all to put on for a special occasion, just junk jewellery from stalls. I know that's ok, but I'm 54 and it's normal to have some little piece of proper jewellery at my age. Never mind.

Today D21 had a bit of a melt down. We were trying to get her a little car from her boyfriend's grandfather, who's not allowed to drive any more. He offered it to D21 if she would pay his fines. D21's boyfriend's grandfather is a MLCer. He left her boyfriend's grandmother, when boyfriend's mother was 12. He left the grandmother for the grandmother's best friend. He sued the grandmother and they lost everything they had in legal fees. They were both full of debt in the end. The grandmother lost her properties to auction, repossessed by the banks. THe grandfather lived with the OW until recently when she kicked him out. Now the grandfather, who is penniless, lives in an old person's home paid for by the son in law (D21's boyfriend's dad). The grandmother died 15 years ago in a terrible car crash. She was driving with her girlfriend on the free way when they got in a traffic jam. A truck behind them didn't stop in time and crashed right into them. They both died. The grandfather is 90. Why did the karma bus crash into the wrong spouse?

The car D21 is hoping to get has been sitting in a field for a couple of years. They took it to the mechanic and everything works well but it's kind of bashed up looking. The grandfather is offering it to D21 if she pays for his car fines (road tax and speeding tickets). Obviously, it's me who pays for the fines. I said yes because this is a bargain, but the irony wasn't lost on me that this is the second MLCer's car I'm paying fines for. I have paid about €3000 so far for my H's old car fines. 

Anyway, because the grandfather can't drive or get himself to the car place, and he lives a couple of hours away, we won't be able to do the paper work until D21 comes back in June. She was so disappointed. She thought she'd be picking the car up the day after tomorrow. When she heard it wasn't possible she fell apart. She cried for a couple of hours. I couldn't console her. She said that she can't seem to accomplish anything. That she's so tired. That she tries so hard to get things done, but it doesn't work. We all know that feeling.

It was no use me saying that it was a small problem, she's going back to the Uk in less than a week. I told her that in June I'll rent her a car until she gets this one. She said she doesn't want me to waste the money. I think she's just feeling the pressure of her final exams and thesis. She also helped me so much since she got back because I was sick that first week and then we had the burglary, which depressed me, then she helped me with S14, you know the constant obstacles we face. She's only 21. She should be problemless.

So I took her to the center of Florence to go shopping for a few clothes. She didn't want to go. We parked in the station car park, which is walking distance to the center. She stayed in the corridor of the car park crying. She told me she couldn't do it. I tell you I should have been home working, I shouldn't be spending the money, but I knew that I had to indulge her. She had been so strong for me, this was her time. I bought a bottle of water from the vending machine and she drank it all. It calmed her. She was all red and spotty on the face but she wore her sun glasses.

As we walked past some of her favourite stores, I asked her if she wanted to stop in, but she kept saying no. I felt it was going to be a wasted day. Then she said yes to one store, but couldn't find anything in it she liked. I picked up a little cotton sweater and told her it would look good on her, just simple, spring like causal. She took it without trying it. Then we went to our favourite store, and she found a couple of beautiful sweaters, trousers made her look fat she said. Then we went to Zara and she found a whole bunch of stuff that could work. We ended our day at my favourite café. Ordered two zen smoothies and bought 3 beautiful dried hydrangeas and 2 cotton branches for the vase in my living room.

We picked up S14, 2 hours late from his tennis. I had sent him a message saying we'd be late because D21 was upset and I wanted to cheer her up. He was very sweet when we picked him up. S was all jokey about his wait. I told him we would stop at Burger King to thank him for his patience. He was so happy. At home, D21 and I had a little simple dinner in front of the TV. She fell asleep very quickly and went to bed.

This MLC is a big weight for the whole family. The weak ones go crazy like my D24. The strong ones take the burden but break down now and again. Childhood should not be like this. They are the biggest victims of this crisis. I'm sure D21 will be better tomorrow, but still.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #125 on: April 17, 2019, 04:42:54 PM »
The problem with MLCers is that they never return healed. Unless they return years after the whole crisis, not just Replay, has ended.

That tends to cause problems. If too soon, neither MLCer nor LBS are ready for it. If many yeard down the road, the LBS had grow, healed, changed, the MLCer is still in MLC and broken.

As for clingers and boomerangs, those are RCR definitions and articles. The terms we use were created by RCR and she is the one who wrote about the contact types and how each type behaves. She does not separate clingers from boomerangs.

Mr J didn't want to live home, but he didn't mind being home all the time, minus sleeping home. If it was up to him, he would come and dine, etc. all the time. This for the seven months I was on the capital on my own.

He wanted a foot in both worlds, home and MLC one, me and OW. For the most part, he was exhausting. Always full of drama, and, early on, as it tends to happen to many MLCer, often with constant mood swings. At times his pre-MLC normal self would exist and things were fine. It would soon end and the whole up and down moods come back.

NC is for the LBS, not the MLCer. RCR leaves it clear in the articles. NC is not a punishement for the MLCer. If is for the safety or peace of mind of the LBS. RCR does not advocate NC, but understands some LBS need NC or to cut contact.

I had contact with Mr J for almost as long as your husband has been in MLC. Too many years of too much contact. It was not like Mr J was cut off at BD or one year down the road. At a point I cut contact gradually, but the big cut only come August 2011, he left mid October 2006.

It was not like all those years of contact made a difference. He hadn't come out of MLC or improved for nearly 5 years after leaving, when I cut him off more brutally he was getting deeper and deeper into Replay. That was almost 8 years ago. When it comes to Mr J's crisis I can't say I see much of a difference with, or without contact. Even with contact, he was not going to come out of crisis at year 5.

The big difference is not to have to deal with him and his crazy.

MLC is a tremendous weight for the family. As it is for a marriage. That is why most marriages do not survive MLC and many families become affected for years on end.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #126 on: April 17, 2019, 05:23:45 PM »
Well first of all, I really loved the story of how you and D interacted after her bad news. And how sweet S was through it all. Truly amazing. You are such a wonderful Mama Lion. You remind me too that when my S asks me to do something, I should always do it even though there are a million other things I should be doing. All can wait.  These little humans need us now.

As for the treatment of the MLCer, well, I hesitated to comment before b/c I felt like maybe I had screwed up too. I get so affected (still) by my H, that I often react. And I am just sure that I have finally pushed him once and for all into the new life he has created for himself with OW. But your thoughtful observations, along with others' takes on this subject, remind me that the MLCer needs to come to emotional maturation before they can ever even conceive of coming back. And then where will we be? It is a hard pill to swallow thinking they may never reach that point.   
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Maleficent

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #127 on: April 17, 2019, 06:54:48 PM »
So true about the children being the biggest victims. Whether they are 2 or 12 or 21.  It is hard for us to be abandoned, but they had their father's presence and love their whole lives until.... I told my son that I will love him twice as much until his father comes back to him.  I am glad you had a nice day with your daughter- they do need us twice as much right now.

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #128 on: April 17, 2019, 11:43:16 PM »
Milly, I loved your honesty, that unadorned sense of exploring common ground without judging or defending, that perhaps there is no 'right' just the best we can do at the time. NC for me, for instance, really was bc it was necessary for me to survive and move forward. I simply could not stop the nasty crazy hand grenades of others invading my life unless I did it for me. My choice says nothing about anyone else's life or heart but mine. What mattered was my intention and being at peace with it. I have probably translated it into a different way of loving my former h too, respecting him enough to let him sow and reap from his own choices. I never imagined that NC with someone I loved so much would be a choice that made absolute sense....until it did. It does not stop me feeling deeply sad and a little bewildered sometimes that it became the right thing to do for me.

And yes, the ripples are big and become part of everyone's life story and people respond in different ways. Even with kids, all we can do is encourage their own learning from it.

What I did see though - and I don't know if this was Milly before - is the grace in your comments about both the jewellery and your daughter's distress. You are understandably sad about the jewellery and feel the loss...but you know now what the really important things are that you stand for and fight for. And you know how much of a soul saver self-care is when we are overwhelmed, so you were able to use that learning as a gift to offer to your daughter without judgment. And what a lovely thing that is to be able to do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #129 on: Today at 01:08:36 AM »
Just a footnote regarding clingers and boomerangs; I seem to remember that RCR did separate them, we used to talk about boomerangs and clinging boomerangs.  Boomerangs being the ones who come and go, contact frequently (i.e  at least every few weeks), possibly only about children, etc, and clingers who still see the spouse as the spouse, may cake-eat more, and so on.  Clingers would be the ones who want the spouse as well as their other lives. 

I know that isn't the full definition there, I remember her saying, perhaps to me, that she talked a lot about clinging boomerangs because that is what she had, and that she felt that most MLCers, at least those she knew of at the time, were "ordinary" boomerangs.  That would include those who only contacted regarding children.

I used to think I had an off-and-on, because he would disappear, pop up again, and so on, but at that point she told me I had a boomerang, as we would hear from him at least monthly, that an off-and-on was one who only made contact every 3-6 months, and a vanisher was just that -- one who disappeared completely, not contacting at all, except possibly through lawyers for the legal process. 

I think that the terms we use have evolved as this forum has evolved, by the "old" definition that I remember Milly has a boomerang, not necessarily a clinger.  Treasur has a vanisher by that definition. 

I'm not trying to stir the pot, just trying to remember some things!

Offline Treasur

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #130 on: Today at 01:17:04 AM »
My h was a clinger for about 3 months, then a boomerang, then a vanisher mostly when I think he made his choice to go with ow and his new life...the odd bit of boomerang then about a year or so later...then back to vanisher a year or so ago. My NC choice was to protect me from Ow's crazy really bc he was colluding with it, and from the pain of him treating me with such indifferent contempt....and I guess the recent ow text thing suggests that vanisher is his end state. I truly don't expect to ever hear from again which is a pretty weird reality after 20 years but probably says a lot more about his emotional state than mine.

Useful definition and a good reminder too that they cycle and that their contact levels are almost always nothing to do with us or our actions at all. We just do our. best to work with the hand they deal out I think and speculating on why is understandable but usually futile  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #131 on: Today at 01:39:39 AM »
Thanks for that clarification Trust. I didn't know what kind of contact type mine was but with your definition I guess he's a boomerang. We don't have kids but he contacts me about practical stuff. Tends to be very few weeks.. it'll be interesting to see what happens when all the practical matters are settled..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Acorn

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #132 on: Today at 04:46:59 AM »
I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes while I read about your D21...  She’s been such a strong mature young woman and my heart bleeds for all the pain she experienced.  My D was about that age when all this MLC crap started and she was so strong until she just had to take a break.  When she could not deal with her father’s insanity any more, she wept and wept... Look at all the heartaches our beautiful children had to experience, and they had no choice.  MLC sucks.  ((((((HUGS)))))) for your D21. 

Milly, the main message I tried to convey was that you upheld your dignity by drawing strong boundaries to your H’s comings and goings, no matter the contact type.  That you did the right thing, as, from where I’m sitting, I would have done the same.  In a relationship with OW?  Then no relationship with me.  Yes, I’m totally black and white on this matter.  That’s just me. 

I have read several times now that I allowed my H stay home while he was dilly dallying with OW.  Yes, that was indeed the case when I didn’t know that he was having an A.  After he got caught, he swore that it was totally over. ::)  I told him that going forward, there was to be no 3rd person in our M and if that ever happens again, the suitcases were in the basement and please do not take the new ones.   There was no way I was going to live with him under the same roof if I had any evidence that he was still in A.  Again, that’s just me.  Every LBS handles her situation in her own unique way. 

I hope your D21 feels emotionally recharged after experiencing your TLC...
« Last Edit: Today at 04:59:07 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #133 on: Today at 08:20:19 AM »
Acorn--I definitely recall you saying that so long as OW was in the picture, NO relationship with H. That advice has stayed with me for a long time and given me the strength to make some difficult decisions. And your and Milly's perfect example of always putting the children first has likewise given me much strength. I appreciate both of you!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #134 on: Today at 08:45:17 AM »
I believe I had a clinger to vanisher. A lot of cake eating then ultimatum from ow so vanisher. I do think I needed better boundaries and needed to accept advice from those before me sooner than I did.  Any newbies please take the advice given by those before you that would apply to your situation. It won’t help the mlcer much but will certainly aide in lbs healing. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #135 on: Today at 08:55:38 AM »
Milly so hard to read about d21. The real victims in my life are my children, only because I feel children take it more personally than lbs. obviously lbs take personally but we are more mature to try to work through the BS. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Anjae

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #136 on: Today at 09:35:15 AM »
Just a footnote regarding clingers and boomerangs; I seem to remember that RCR did separate them, we used to talk about boomerangs and clinging boomerangs.  Boomerangs being the ones who come and go, contact frequently (i.e  at least every few weeks), possibly only about children, etc, and clingers who still see the spouse as the spouse, may cake-eat more, and so on.  Clingers would be the ones who want the spouse as well as their other lives. 

RCR articles I posted don't have them separated, Clingers are not even listed on the Contact Type article, just Boomerang and the others have Clinging Boomerang.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html - Contact Types: Boomerang, Off-and-On, Vanisher.

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/the-clinging-boomerang-soap-opera/ - The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera Part I

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/the-clinging-boomerang-soap-opera-part-ii/ - The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera Part II

If RCR separated them, then it may be on a blog post or something she posted on the board. I don't think there is much real difference between them, they both cling.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #137 on: Today at 09:45:21 AM »
I can’t seem to get the soap operas to open. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #138 on: Today at 10:36:37 AM »
Hello,

Quote
So I took her to the center of Florence to go shopping for a few clothes.

Florence is amazing. My favorite of the three cities we stayed were Venice, Rome, Florence.

I just like the entire vibe of Florence. Rome is beautiful but very busy. Venice is really cool, but living there would be difficult. No cars, everything by foot. Nice to visit but not live. Florence was magnificent.

I might change my mind when I do a northern trip. That is my next bucket list.

Quote
You are such a wonderful Mama Lion.

Yes, you are. I thought you were marvelous in handling the situation. A precious moment that you will remember for a long time over an afternoon of work.

Quote
To have an on-offer, or vanisher, or semi-vanisher is a whole different beast. We don't know what makes a MLCer stay at home versus vanishing but there must be a reason.

I agree with Anjae. There is no predicting the unpredictable. Looking back. I should have drawn a strong boundary regarding OM. If she left because of that boundary, fine. If she stayed, fine- would not have been a cure or sped up things regarding her journey. However, it would have helped my peace of mind.

The important action is doing what keeps you moving and focused on yourself not the MLCer. They will do what they are going to do. You need to do what to do to protect you and your family from the destruction they can wreak upon your family.

((((Hugs))) and Happy Easter

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #139 on: Today at 01:20:25 PM »
I'm remembering from long ago, Anjae, it may have been in messages to me; there were also old articles that aren't there any more, from her site before the forum started...  I just remember that years ago we did distinguish; it may well be that she has rethought those definitions as well. 

I seem to remember that "ordinary" boomerangs don't cling, even if they contact regularly. She told me that I didn't have a clinger event though he was regularly in touch and even moved towards me when things weren't going well for him. 

As I said, I'm not trying to stir the pot, I fully accept that definitions may change, but I also do think the someone who is regularly in touch isn't necessarily a clinger, perhaps because of my earlier conversations I think of clingers as those who still say they want the marriage even if they then go off, those who go back and forth, that kind of thing.

As mine never fully tried to come home I don't consider that a clinger.   

Perhaps RCR will weigh in and clarify, in the meantime I apologise for the hijack, Milly!

Offline 1trouble

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Re: The pink fridge moment continued!
« Reply #140 on: Today at 01:49:45 PM »
 
Interesting discussion going on here.

This is my take on it

1) I have said before I don't believe in contact types, but personality types (as Milly said).
It really depends on the level of guilt and shame a MLC'er feels their upbringing their conflict avoidance, confidence etc etc.

2) I believe that NC is only used for abusive situations or where the LBS needs to recover and protect themselves until they get stronger, or to get a message to the MLC'er if they have over stepped the mark. OR if you are really really done.

3) I also believe that we have to trust our instincts and do what we feel is right and not what someone or any website or therapist tells you what is right.  Yes listen, weigh up advice and others opinons BUT then apply your own experience, your own knowledge of your MLC'er and what you can live with and so ……...

4) You also have to work out what is acceptable to you, you dont have to give away your pride, power or self belief for anyone

5) you cannot beat yourself up for anything you have done because, at the time, it felt right to you and was right at that time and got you through.  And even if, what you did, turned out to be the 'wrong' thing in hindsight then remind yourself that hindsight is a wonderful thing, learn from it and move forward don't beat yourself up about something you cant change.

6) Again, as I have said before the AP can complicate things and can be behind some of the behaviours the MLC'er is exhibiting so be aware of that.
This is particularly true to some of the contact patterns...  study it and learn so you can protect yourself and recognise it.
For example, if the OW is not about they may come closer or if there is arguments between them (MLC'er and OW), the MLC'er may come close to you.
Recognise it and know when you are being played.

7) to me (and this is a generalisation but is what I see in a lot of stories) contact and paving the way is more important in the first 1-2  years, when the MLC'er is still all over the place and yoyo'ing back and forth, once they really go into crisis then they are gone and I dont think they really remember anything really.
So what I am saying is pave the way in the beginning BUT if the MLC'er pulls away, which in most stories, they inevitably do after the first couple of years, then know this is normal, don't fear it and dont sell your soul paving the way relentlessly throughout unless you can be detached from the outcome.

8)Document everything, even if its not on here and in a journal, those conversations will show a pattern but also will be invaluable to you when you doubt yourself

9) No-one has the answers to this.  There are scripts going into this and there are scripts when someone comes out of it BUT how they come out of it, what caused some to never come out of it and what caused others to go through it and out the other side is a mystery.
So sifting through everything you have said or done and think 'if I had done this, it would be different'  or if I had done that he would have come home'...…is futile, you just don't know because there are no clear cut answers

So Milly you are where you are...………………... like me, but our outcomes could be different

You have been a wonderful mother to your kids, you have bailed your H out on numerous occasions, you have suffered lots of hardship but weathered the storm with grace and dignity and shown youself to be streets ahead of the demanding dramatic clingy needy shrew your H shacked up with.
Don't think there is anything you could have done differently TBH I think you wouldn't be as serene as you are if you had not taken control at times throughout this.  You have balanced humility with pride..

Keep doing what you are doing I think you are amazing xx
« Last Edit: Today at 01:52:01 PM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

 

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