Author Topic: My Story MLC picture show round 2  (Read 1683 times)

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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My Story MLC picture show round 2
« on: April 04, 2019, 05:28:05 AM »
Previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10644.0;all

Hope I’ve linked that right as I’m on my phone and not the best with these things.

Thankfully UM it’s not conjunctivitis. The kids have had that before and I’ve been to the opticians with this (doctors didn’t have an appointment) but the only eye drops he suggested I’ve had reactions too so it’s a case of cleaning with cool boiled water compress for now and avoiding eye makeup as best I can.

So
I’m going to start my new thread with nothing so much MLCer related, We haven’t seen H since last night and as I’m at my mums tonight and then me and the kids are going to the caravan tomorrow morning till sometime Sunday. I doubt we will hear from H this weekend. However this is more ME based. Me me me Me. It’s all about sacha T 🤣

So I know one thing I’ve been struggling with, is implementing boundaries. I’ve tried many times before and always failed. However, I think I’ve failed in the past because I’ve woke up thinking right as of today I’m doing A B C D and X Y and Z. And I couldn’t keep up with them all and it was like spinning plates. And within hours/days a few plates had been smashed slowly followed by the others. So I’ve decided I’m going to set my boundaries one by one and then when I’m comfortable with one move onto the next.

Boundary A is I don’t text/call H unless it’s something that needs dealing with THEN and can not wait. If I have a issue that needs fixing but can wait until Hs next visitation. I will bring it up then or if there is something H needs to know ie- D2 has a hospital appointment it can wait until I next see him. I will not text him updates of the kids because quite frankly we see him often enough so he doesn’t need them there and then. Plus he stalks my social media I’ve no doubt of that so if he wishes to see what we are doing he can go to the trouble of stalking me.
Boundary B was the schedule. That’s now set up and we are both aware of where the kids will be and when. The only time we have changed it is when H has the weekends off so that it works out that we both have a weekend free. So fair is fair I guess.
Boundary C is I’ve started locking my doors. Which shops H popping in and checking up on me/us. When H has the kids. The kids are with him. I won’t pop in to him unless it’s vital life or death shindigs. And my door will be locked and if he does knock on for whatever reason. I will speak to him at the door. He will not come in.
Boundary D (not yet implemented but will be next once I’ve got used to C) is when the kids are going to his. They will be ready. I’m going to get H to give me times. Not just “Oh I’ll come get them in the morning around 9-10”. I will make sure I have all the kids have everything they need and they will be ready and raring to go. H will potentially maybe stand in the kitchen. He will not walk around the house as though he lives here still.

I’m aware these boundaries may take a while to get in. I’m also more than aware that it will probably be longer for it to sink in with him. However I do think that it’s much better to take longer to get them and not fail. Than for me to try and do them all at once and then fail again and again.

One boundary I’m looking forward to implementing but I just can’t at the minute is becoming more financially independent. At the moment, H doesn’t give me “child maintenance” so to speak. I receive housing benefit to help with my rent. What my housing benefit doesn’t cover H pays the rest - £380. He pays £200 toward a joint debt we both accrued however is in my name. He pays my sky TV £40. He pays my water debt also £30. So we’re talking around £600 a month. HOWEVER I’ve got a fair bit of debt, so my plan is, that I will clear my debt and as I can, I will take over more and more of these. Because as it stands, should H turn vanisher and just decide not to pay I would struggle one hell of a lot. I won’t take all of them, due to the fact that he is required to pay maintenance so he isn’t getting away Scot free. However just means my GALing may well be most Saturdays having a Netflix night or visiting friends ha! I plan on, clearing debt and saving so me and the kids can have more nice things to do.

I think that also something I’ve learnt in my 17 months since BD is that whilst it’s nice to get out with the girls and drink your body weight in Prosecco dancing till 3am. That’s not all you have to do to get a life. Getting a life can also be having a bubble bath and enjoying a good book! I’m not saying I’ll never go out again. I will. Just not every weekend when H has the kids.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2019, 05:55:46 AM »
Imho what helps most with boundaries (which are for us) as opposed to rules (which are for others) is that we get clear on what we need most and why that boundary helps that.

So, some of my earlier communication choices with my then h were bc it was exhausting (and insane) so I needed to choose how/if I was going to communicate which made it less exhausting or reduced the amount of insane on my plate. Later, NC was about removing myself from nasty crazy stuff...none of it was about what he thought or felt or did.

What is great about boundaries Is the more you do them - and they can change with circumstances and you don't always have to announce them - is that you get clearer and clearer about what is ok or important to you. And that makes it easier to stick to them. Tbh I think the root is about being able to trust yourself to look after your own best interests.

What are YOUR needs (or maybe the kids) that sit behind these boundaries, Sach? Reads like there is something in there about you having an independent bit of your life and some privacy as opposed to fitting yourself in round other people's plans?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2019, 07:18:28 AM »
The "Thou shalt not wander around in the house you no longer live in" boundary is a good one... I struggle with this one a bit as STBXW just walks to the kids rooms after I let her in if she feels like it... almost like an inspection tour... She did NOT go downstairs to where my room and my office are this last visit so that was fine with me...

Boundary D is something that I have had to implement as well, especially if STBXW is dropping off the kids.. She expects me to wait at home for 3-4 hours ("I'll bring the kids between noon and 15:00") and then she'll be late... VERY passive-aggressive behaviour and I have gotten to the point where I will pick them up at her house instead... or I give her a MUCH smaller window of time...

And yes, you did the linking correctly!  Well done!
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2019, 07:58:28 AM »
Oh no the boundaries are for me. I mean I know as a secondary thing they will also cause him to monkey brain a bit. But that’s not the motivation. I guess with how things are atm I want my life to be my own. My house to be my own and ultimately be run solely by me. When that bomb dropped. In all senses of the word I was firetrucked. H was the only one who brought any money in. So had he been like some other MLCers I would have been completely screwed as I would have had no money to pay anything. So I guess it’s partly about being self sufficient. I mean I’m 27 so I’m not going to be alone for the rest of my life but I want to be able to survive the same weather or not I have a man. I also want my time to be just that MY TIME. And as H is changing his tactics I’ve got to try and be one step ahead.

Here’s me telling everyone “oh I don’t think I’ll have any contact with H since last night”

Low and behold 2:15pm he’s at my door. Despite him working! About 5 minutes before him amazon came. It wasn’t a parcel for me. It was for him so I never went to the door I was getting ready. Then I hear a knock. So I go to it and it’s H for the parcel. He had been tracking the parcel so he left work for it. Well so he says anyway.

As soon as I opened the door H made a comment about my face (in his defence I was bright orange as I was in the middle of doing my makeup!) he did try and step forward to come in the house but as I didn’t step back he couldn’t get in so he stayed at the door. I know H popping by like this may seem like typical H but him leaving work (where Ow will be able to find out he’s left I’m sure of it) to come and “check in” is VERY unlike him. He’s only done it twice. Today and Saturday just gone. You see what I mean by his changing or tactics.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2019, 08:15:04 AM »
I think they are good boundaries Sachat.. He walked away and with that he lost the right to walk into the house at any time like he still lives there. I also completely understand the financial independence. That was one of the first things I did.. Easier as we don't have kids and I always worked but it was a way to prove to myself that my wish to have him back had nothing to do with financial convenience. I knew it wasn't but the proof is in the pudding!

Why does he get parcels delivered to your house?
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2019, 09:21:48 AM »
They sound like good first steps to be fair.

Easy enough to implement but the change he will feel after a week or two of this will be big.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2019, 01:30:39 AM »
I literally have no idea why the parcels still come to me. Some of his letters do too. Funnily enough, I don’t know if his payslips have gone paperless but since he’s been with Ow he hasn’t had any payslips to the house. But that’s the only thing that hasn’t come. He even changed banks about three four months after BD and used my address. I asked him why the parcel came to mine and his only answer was

“I usually get it sent to the lockers at work”

That didn’t really answer my question.

In all honesty, I know the boundaries will affect him but that’s only a secondary reason. Like the reason I’ve stopped sleeping with him had nothing to do with him. It was just something for me. I don’t care about him or what the boundaries feel like for him. It’s all about me. And if I choose to let one slip and slide because it makes my life easier then so be it. But that’s because it benefits me and not him. I’d much rather say, prolong his crisis. Prolong everything but do things in a way that works for me. Than anything tbf.

We arrived at my mums caravan yesterday. We go home tomorrow and we come back again on Thursday.

I’ve had no contact with him since parcel gate and I very much doubt i will tbf which suits me well enough. I prefer no contact but I can’t really do no contact as we have such small kids! Ha!

I suppose this is my time to be selfish
« Last Edit: April 06, 2019, 01:31:53 AM by sachat3 »
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online One day at a time

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2019, 04:12:00 AM »
I hope you are having a good time Sachat! When my H was still around, any time away from him really gave me a chance to put things in perspective. I don't like the idea of no contact but dim or dark works well for me but very hard in your case with the young kids..

As for the parcels.. I get it, I chose my battles too.. Every now and again I still get letters for H here too and I don't really make a big deal out of it.. I just thought it was strange he would get them delivered to your house, that's all..

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online Treasur

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2019, 04:35:04 AM »
My xh had post coming to our old house literally until I moved out...maybe 18 months or so? Ignored every polite request to change it; bear in mind he had two other places he was living in at that point  ::) I started just sending it back as 'not known at this address' eventually which finally prompted him to deal with it when it created a problem with a work cc.... ::) I got fed up of being a postal service for someone who wouldn't talk to me about all the other practical stuff....
« Last Edit: April 07, 2019, 04:36:10 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: MLC picture show round 2
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2019, 04:55:57 AM »
I mean I defo agree it’s strange. To me, if I was him, why would I want everything I order, all my mail, bank cards, bank statements etc etc going to the house I no longer live in? I get it’s annoying to change everything over BUT it’s just one of those things you do when you move out. Especially if your so certain your never coming back. I understand the odd bit of mail. Especially the generic mail companies send out. I still get the odd advert for the man who lived here before me from the opticians. But almost every item of Hs mail comes here. It’s been almost 17 months since he moved out. But then like you say, it’s about picking battles. I’ve got so many more things that are of higher importance to “deal with” so to speak.

I do find, well usually, that when I come back from being away. H tends to linger around more than usual. But I’m not sure how he will be now as I’ve noticed a shift in him. But we don’t really hear from him when we’re away which makes it handy for me because life is easier without him pestering. Luckily, I’m only home Monday and Tuesday this week as Wednesday my dads picking me up and I’m staying there again and then Thursday we’re heading back to the caravan. It’s really handy having the caravan to come to especially in half term.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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