Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting & Rebuilding  (Read 1464 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #40 on: April 15, 2019, 06:01:29 AM »
Thank you, Helping, Morte, Rose, Thunder and Anjae, for reading and graciously sharing your thoughts on this thread.   I wish I could give all of you a real hug...  I appreciate you so much.

There are still some MLC shell fragments that bother me from time to time as they surface as triggers.  Overall, though, they are mere blips and soon gone. It’s a far cry from those days when I was curled up in fetal position in a darkened room, just rocking and crying.

Here I am now, mostly healed, I dare say, which leads me to examine what helped me heal thus far.  Contrary to what I had thought would heal me, which is H’s exit from MLC and recommitting himself to me and marriage in deep and true love  ::), healing is a journey for one.  That is true for me.  Not saying it applies to anyone else. 

Go figure, I, or anyone else, could not fix my MLCer and he had to do all the work.  No amount of counselling, cajoling, advices and admonishment could have made any difference unless he was willing to see the problems and work diligently at resolving them.  Why would it be different for me?

So, I’m going to ramble about my thought process in self healing.  It’s a list!!!

1.  Time

Self explanatory.

2.  Acceptance

Accepting the immutability of history was a crucial component of my healing.  Something horrible had happened and I can’t go back in time and rewrite the history.  What’s done is done. 

Refusing to accept the unchangeable nature of history and wishing that it didn’t happen would have made me a prisoner of the pain and miseries of the past.  Why get in the loop of regrets and inflict pain on myself over and over again?  No thank you.

3. Detachment

Acceptance of the unchangeable nature of the past included detaching myself from the emotional state evoked by the memories of H’s unhinged Replay behaviours.  It was important for me to give myself some distance from that emotional state so that I could look at my pain clinically and then let it go after a while.  It’s a way to extricate myself from the quagmire of sadness, anger and resentment.  Face them, feel them, give them a name, step away and then, move on.  Meditation and controlled breathing helped me greatly in this regard. 

4.  Counting my blessings

Meditation involved endless prayers and mindfulness exercises which led me to count my blessings.

5. No expectations

My healing process was 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 1 step forward and 2 steps back.  Repeat.  Taking away any expectations that any little bit of healing I gained was here to stay with me forever helped me to take one day at a time.  No expectations meant that every new day was a clean slate on which I could write whatever I wished.  If that slate happened to contain 1 step forward and 10 back at the end of the day, o well, tomorrow is another day with a clean slate.

All of the above look very familiar...  Seen them somewhere before! 

You all have a wonderful week!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Silver

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #41 on: April 15, 2019, 06:22:33 AM »
A list?? Really???  ;D

Soon you will be looking all this from rear mirror and I'm more than happy for you about that.

VERY good list, all the most important included!
To point one of them though you said:

4.  Counting my blessings
Meditation involved endless prayers and mindfulness exercises which led me to count my blessings.


I have never been very good in exercises but prayed a lot, which actually is gread mindfulness too in a way. Counting one's blessings is, meaning actively doing it, is the only way to feel happiness, even in MLC sh*tstorm. If we can't see what is around us, what we have been given, all the good despite the pain and grief, it is really hard to survive from it all. Requires ability to try to SEE instead of just looking. Every time I manage to SEE, eg. my kids, who they really are, I get a feeling that my dead marriage and R with XW is not really that big deal in my life. I went trough the pain like all of us and still am at times, but in the end, there are more important things in my life. Greatfulness can and should be rehearsed. I bet you have done it my friend, a lot.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #42 on: April 15, 2019, 06:26:40 AM »
Your list is wonderful! It so clearly speak to the issues of how to heal, regardless of the outcome of their crisis.

We still have a life to live, and the world is a big place.....the impact of their crisis on us is HUGE, but it is possible to make it only a prat of our history, not our whole story.

Have a blessed week!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #43 on: April 15, 2019, 06:40:58 AM »
Greatfulness can and should be rehearsed. I bet you have done it my friend, a lot

As you said, Silver, if one merely ‘looks’ at the blessings but not actually ‘see’, he/she is not really any better off. 

Counting one’s blessings is an action.  ‘Count’ is a verb. 
I suggest that ‘seeing’ and ‘counting’ inevitably lead to real life actions, such as showing appreciation of friendship by inviting a dear friend for a lunch date (I would do that with you, Silver, if you lived near me!), setting time aside to engage with the kids, helping out someone in need, etc. 

Your list is wonderful! It so clearly speak to the issues of how to heal, regardless of the outcome of their crisis.

We still have a life to live, and the world is a big place.....the impact of their crisis on us is HUGE, but it is possible to make it only a prat of our history, not our whole story.

Have a blessed week!


Say that again, xyzcf!  Life is so much more than MLC, MLCer and M, though it doesn’t seem that way at the beginning of LBS’s journey.  For myself, I see that the degree of my healing is proportional to how much mind space and time I give to my MLCer and MLC related experiences. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #44 on: April 15, 2019, 08:32:54 AM »
I love your lists Acorn. You seem to always put into words exactly what I need to hear. 

I have learned and continue to learn that MLC is not only a journey for my H but for me too.

Thanks for continuing to pave the way.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #45 on: April 15, 2019, 08:45:18 AM »
Acorn while reading your list the funniest thing happened. I know it was aimed at how an LBS heals from MLC...

But for some reason it felt like a good description and overshadowing of how I dealt with my troubled childhood as well.

1. Time...its just getting the  ::) as usual.

2. Accepting it happened, you can't change it, why dwell on it and keep hurting yourself. Perfect.

3. Detachment. Don't know anything about meditation and controlled breathing, but the rest...removing yourself and examining the situation from a third part clinical perspective has always been helpful. It is hard to describe how to actively do this, particularly while you are feeling the emotion. But with time or practice it becomes easier. Respond and not react type stuff. :)

4. Counting my blessings is part of my personality for better or worse. I was always the one to see all that I had vs all that I lacked. Sure you can see the lacking, but it doesn't make me sad...just lets you know what the next goal is. :)

5. No expectations. That is a return to an age old dilemma for me. Generally I tend to expect more from people I love. I expect them to be good people, to be kind, to be generous, to be faithful and loyal, to be honest, and true to their word. I do not expect them to be perfect in any other way, but I suppose I hold a high bar for their character. After all why would I love someone who was not these things?....Needless to say it has lead to a lot of pain in my life. Feelings of being betrayed when people show their selfish tendencies. I learned from very young age not to have expectations from my family. I thought it was just them and went on to have expectations of MLCer, and his family, and my kids. After BD I have had to drop my expectations for my MLCer as you can imagine, and for his family when they reacted the way they did. Now I wonder if it is safe to have expectations of my children. Having those expectations may make them good kids, with a great character....or may end up setting a bar they can never achieve and ultimately setting me up for disappointment. It is a funny old dance this no expectations.

Mirror mirror on the wall...
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #46 on: April 15, 2019, 09:31:02 AM »
Thank you for your post and for the list, Acorn.

Agree healing is for one, not two. We do our own healing, the MLCer does his/her.

Meditation as been a big help for me. It is impossible to help the past. However, I do see a problem with saying one wishes this hasn't happen, providing it does not stuck us. But, there is always a but, right, meditation teach us even less good things have a purpose (don't ask me what MLC is, I don't know).

Expectations, of course everyone expects a spouse to love us and be kind to us. We expect a stranger to be kind to us. The no expectation as far as the MLCer spouse is concerned makes sense, it does not make sense with a spouse when they are out of MLC.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #47 on: April 15, 2019, 10:33:55 AM »
Counting blessings is a verb. I love that. And never realized how true that is until just this moment. I count my blessings all the time, but I don't think I do it actively. Well, sometimes, but this gives me a goal now. So thank you!!

I am happy those triggers are only temporary and short lived now for you. Another situation where you have to actively work on it, I presume. I was thinking the other day how I might react to seeing H and OW in person in public. And it didn't send me into a tail spin of sadness. I think b/c a part of me accepts this is the reality now.  And when you accept something as true, it can no longer torture you. Well, in my experience anyway.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Silver

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #48 on: April 15, 2019, 10:56:34 PM »
Counting blessings is a verb. I love that. And never realized how true that is until just this moment. I count my blessings all the time, but I don't think I do it actively. Well, sometimes, but this gives me a goal now. So thank you!!

I love that too Acorn, there's so much wisdom in it. We need active reminder of what we have, not only to focus on what we lost, right?
Who else would do that for us if not US?
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline JoJoJo

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding
« Reply #49 on: April 16, 2019, 10:30:34 AM »
Love your list. 

One thing H says to me (after he apologizes) when I get down about the past and things he did or said...."please don't let the past make you forget the direction we are heading in...."   

Off to count my blessings.....
Thanks for the reminder! <3
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

 

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