Author Topic: My Story BURNING MAN 6  (Read 2453 times)

Online WatcherTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3873
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2019, 07:25:37 AM »
Hi Treasur, Thunder.

She is definitely running away and leaving the mess behind. I cannot leave my kids with the inlaws. Do you think MIL is just going to accept their departure ? Her plan is definitely flawed.

Maybe it's best I just stop talking to her and avoid all contact. Obviously there are benefits to having the boys live with me. She can also change her mind 300 more times today or at any point.

I would be taking them and picking them up from school. Yes there are only 2 months of school left. She plans on staying out forever.

I definitely didn't see this coming.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6837
  • Gender: Female
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2019, 07:28:50 AM »
Do you need a quick legal consult with someone Watcher or do you already have the info you need?
Thunder is quite right...for sure she is throwing the ball over to you...but that also means you may have some opportunities to act in your own best interests that you haven't before....even maybe ones your w won't like or have planned. I think you might have an opportunity to take some control here but you might have to play a mean sneaky game to get it and keep it....I reckon your w is seeing you like the pest exterminator guy and her plan is once you have got rid of the ils, rinse and repeat where you get invited back or kicked out as she sees fit but keep paying the bills. Surely there has to be a point where you don't want to play that game anymore Watcher?

You could turn that game upside down Watcher....take a bit of time to think...get rid of ils and you and your boys live in YOUR house while w lives elsewhere to tackle her issues/slowly reconnect/get professional help for her trauma etc blah blah...just sayin'

Wonder if you would have to get your w to sign a legal undertaking of some sort that she won't return while her parents are there & agrees with them being evicted? Bc of course her mother is going to be in a snit and a half and if your w moves back, game over.

What do you think your w would do as the price of you getting rid of the ils? If you said well, I can do that but you need to agree x or sign y, would she do it? How desparate is she? And what is her plan if you do nothing at all and go back to NC? (Other than ensuring your sons know you want them to come to you and have your number & address)

« Last Edit: April 09, 2019, 07:34:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20886
  • Gender: Female
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2019, 07:49:39 AM »
Yes a very flawed plan.  He parents won't leave because she does so all she's doing is getting away from them.  You're still stuck with them.

As far as school goes Watcher there are always school buses, you wouldn't need to take them. 

Gosh it would be nice if you and the boys could live in the house with all 3 of them out.  You could fix it up and sell it when your youngest graduates in 2 years.
Only thing would b she's have to pay those utility bills first.   ::)

Oh well you'll work everything out in your head before doing anything that puts you in a bad situation.   You have time, don't stress over it. 

You have your half marathon this Saturday, don't you?   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20886
  • Gender: Female
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2019, 07:56:40 AM »
You know Watcher, the hardest thing for all of us "fixers" to learn is we can't fix them or the situation they have themselves in.  Only they can do that.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6837
  • Gender: Female
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #14 on: April 09, 2019, 08:06:31 AM »
I'm taking a slightly different tack though, Thunder...or throwing it out there anyway...what if Watcher could use the situation as a way to fix some of HIS problems? Not hers, although that might be an incidental benefit, but his?

Which if I have understood right have always seemed to circle round
- how do I stop being the bank for a family that kicked me out and a house I'm not allowed to live in?
- how do I have a relationship with my sons?
- how do I have some control over my circumstances and protect myself from crazy people?
- how do I do all of the above without filing for divorce which i don't really want to do?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online WatcherTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3873
  • Gender: Male
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #15 on: April 09, 2019, 08:42:09 AM »
My mom did say this is going to crash and burn like Florida. She is running away because the pressure is overwhelming her. Dont I want the pressure to overwhelm her ?

My mom said it would last a weekend and then she will change her mind. The inlaws are never leaving, however I could begin the long eviction process.

MIL would most definitely intercept me at school because she is not giving up her kids thus making this a bigger conflict for me potentially.

I see a lot of money flowing out of my bank and nothing on their end. So I will think about it. W has spun a tale of abuse but it's too soon. I'm leaning going back to NC and just letting this blow up.

All that being said. W will most likely be best friends again with her mom come May.

Thankfully I do have that half marathon on Saturday Thunder.

Offline Wonder no more

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 437
  • Gender: Female
  • Old name "Wondering"
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2019, 09:11:37 AM »
Your mother is right.  This is just like Florida...running away.  Your W is a grown woman that can get rid of her parents on her own.  I may be the only one that believes this but I truly don't think your W will magically start to get better if her parents aren't there.  They may be a symptom of her crisis but that does not mean once they are gone that she will work on herself.  It's like saying the "OW" in my husbands crisis was the cause and once she was gone everything would be better.  Your W is looking for you to "clean up" her mess.  If she runs away and the parents leave...then What?   You know you would most likely move back in, pay all the utilities off to take care of your boys living environment and give her a clean financial slate to start back up with.  That's what she wants.  Her crisis will not end.

 How many MLCers have these issues that stem from their parents yet the parents have passed on....guess what they still had a MLC.  Your ILs are enablers but if your W got help, when and if she is ever ready for it,  they will not be an issue.  Sorry Watcher, None of us know the answer.  We only have our own experiences to go by and there are huge red flags here waving at you.   If you don't know what to do...do nothing at the moment.  Perhaps stepping back with less contact with her will help.   Her mania is overwhelming.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6837
  • Gender: Female
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2019, 09:25:06 AM »
Tbh, Watcher, this isn't your first w wtf rodeo so it makes sense to trust your gut instinct, pull back to less contact and see what happens. My only caveat would be to try to reach out to your youngest son at least so he can hear your POV from you directly if she does in fact move out without the boys?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4509
  • Gender: Female
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2019, 10:06:29 AM »
Sorry Watcher. This is rough!

I worry that a confrontation over the boys with your ILs (assuming MIL goes to the school) will involve the police. Is there a way to circumvent that aspect?
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online WatcherTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3873
  • Gender: Male
Re: BURNING MAN 6
« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2019, 03:14:32 PM »
Well we had a school issue with S18 so we talked. She is moving out Sunday and dropping the boys off with me to live. She plans on being away 6 months to a year.

She has to go find herself. She wants to goto the gym, go out with her girlfriends and travel. All things she cannot do because of her controlling Narc mother.

She admits she is running away from her problems debt and all. Our boys are 18 and 16 Watcher and it's time for me to allow you to be a father.

So that was our discussion. I told her it sounds like you just want a new life however I look forward to finally being with my sons. So we will see what happens. I can't prevent her from leaving to go find herself.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.