Author Topic: My Story One day's journey to Acceptance  (Read 232 times)

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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My Story One day's journey to Acceptance
« on: April 11, 2019, 07:21:35 AM »
Time for thread number 5!

Quick summary of my story
- Both H and I turn 40 in 2017. Together 15 years, married 8 at the time of separation.
- H starts traveling a lot for work in April 2017, spending 2-3 weeks away, coming home for 1-2 and away again. I start feeling some distancing/odd behavior but put it all down to the amount of time he's away.
- Aug 2017: H starts saying his life has no purpose, he's not happy, might want kids (after 15 years of saying he didn't want them)
- Months of constant negativity, emotionally detached, no more "we", selfish me, me, me. Very restless, sometimes depressed, saying he feels old.  I start to pretzel and do things to please him, he does not notice or acknowledge what I do.. I walk on eggshells.
- Feb 2018: I blow up and tell him I can't carry the weight of our marriage on my own. We agree that we will take some time to think (him more than me) while I spend 2 weeks away with family in March
- March 2018: While I'm away with family, H goes on a "holiday" but only tells me when he's already there and refuses to talk to me. When I come home he confesses he traveled to see someone he met during his business trips. He says no PA but I'm not sure I believe him.. Definitely EA at the very least, she lives on the other side of the world! ILBINILWY, he wants to separate, laundry list of everything I've done wrong.
- May 2018: H moves out at my request as I can't stand the roommate status with regular mixed messages and the constant texting with OW.
- Dec 2018: Separation agreement signed and many practical/financial matters sorted. No monster, I came out pretty good in the whole thing.. A bit surprised! Guilt?
- Dec 2018: H moved abroad for work. Plans to be away for a year or 2. OW is in a different country. Don't know if they are still in contact.
- April 2019: Limited contact with H about practical matters, all very civil.

So after my major melt down after my trip home I seem to have reached a new level of acceptance and detachment. Still a long way to be healed and thriving but I feel... different. H is still present in my head but not obsessively as before. I have reached the point where I understand logically and emotionally that this won't be quick, H will probably be lost in the MLC fog for years and while I still love him, I have started to take a few steps away from the stasis box. I'm trying to gain confidence to explore the world around me and hopefully get to a point where I'm happy with my life regardless.. I'm not closing the door, at least not yet but I'm tired of limbo after nearly 20 months...  Wish me luck!


Previous thread => https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10618.0
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 06:00:04 AM by OldPilot »
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2019, 07:43:52 AM »
So last thread I ended talking about my first session with a new IC.. Not a brilliant experience but it seems practically impossible to find an IC that "gets it"

The best IC needs to get trauma recovery (for the LBS) and severe depression/ existential crisis to get the MLC context. If they don't...and many don't...they are less useful. And tbh ANY IC that tells you to do x or y at the end of a first session unless it is basic self care actions is not a highly competent IC. Too quick to solutions with too little sense of you yet imho. Either not very competent, too narcissistic or too comfortable with his own rigid route map. All of which are not helpful...and this is basic IC skill set stuff tbh. Like hearing a squeak and assuming a hinge needs oil bc he has seen that before...when actually it's a mouse  :)

So find a better one, my friend. They are out there...maybe search for good trauma based ones who get the rebuilding process after loss or events that flip life on its head? Jmo.
This guy specializes in trauma, depression and is also life coach so that's why I thought he was a good bet. He has more letters after his name than I could possibly recognize.. In fairness, I covered all the self care I was doing and I think he felt I was in a pretty safe place. He went as far as telling me I was doing the right things (sleeping, eating, exercising, socializing and spending time with friends) He asked if I had taken any steps to protect me financially and I said yes. I also mentioned HS (not by name, I just said it was an online forum) and I that was getting a lot of support here..

To be honest, I had to drive over while on a conference call for work and I literally hung up the phone as I walked in so I was not in the best frame of mind for the session and definitely not as prepared as I wanted to be. I walked in and I vomited all my story in about 40 minutes and then I told him I needed help to move forward with my life... The guys was a bit  :o :o
So I want to give him a second chance and go into the session a bit more centered.. But if I come out feeling the same after that session, I will definitely look for another one!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2019, 10:58:27 AM »
Staying with you one day
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Maleficent

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2019, 06:48:10 PM »
Hi One Day,  following along.  I have been with the same IC since a few weeks after BD.  I chose her because her bio showed experience working with women in trauma.  I also wanted an older woman.  She seemed to understand existential crisis, but seemed more interested in my healing.  At the beginning I cared more about WTH is going on and focused on him.  Gradually we have focused more on me and he has just become an afterthought.  We still spend too much time processing my various weekly RL dramas, but we settled into a nice routine. Now it's just good to talk to her and she understands me better than I understand myself (and how I got into this position). Where she diverges from HS advice, I make my own decisions.  So, it might take more than one or two sessions to decide.  And by then your IC will get to know you better. 

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2019, 03:41:56 AM »
Thanks for joining me Sachat and Maleficent!

Maleficent, I went to IC after BD2 but in most of my sessions I just cried and cried - I was just shell shocked and not really grasping what was happening. Even though I was very very low, I wasn't thinking about harming myself or others so I felt I could cry in my own time. That IC didn't believe MLC happened to married people  ::) so her main purpose was to help me move on.. It was really too early for that and she was treating it like a normal break up so I stopped going.

This new IC is seeing me a year after BD2 and I am at a very different point. When I talked to him about how H's has behaved in the last 9 - 10 months, he sees a guy who doesn't monster, who has been good enough to me financially and doesn't want to cut the invisible thread between us, who has never said he wanted to come back but his actions could be perceived as someone who realizes he f&%^ed up and is trying to make it up to me but he doesn't think he could be forgiven so he doesn't even ask.. A lot of people in RL think that actually and had said it to me numerous times.. I guess I see something different or I don't want to believe it so I'm not disappointed yet again.

And that's the reason why I want to give this IC a second chance. There's a lot of stuff I didn't get to say to him as to why I feel I need to focus on me and my healing and let my H get on with his crisis.. I guess at this point I won't be persuaded to contact H to tell him how I feel because I don't want to deal with yet another rejection that will make me go backwards.. Maybe I'm missing a big opportunity here but my gut feeling right now tells me I need to keep my mouth shut.

H is supposed to come here on holidays in the next few months.. I'll see what happens then or if he even makes an effort to see me. I will obviously need to make sure I don't build any expectations (which might be hard but I'll try anyway!) and continue living my life.. What else can I do?
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Milly

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2019, 09:25:04 AM »
Joining your new thread, Oneday. Giving your IC another go sounds like a good idea. One session is kind of a short time to get across our needs. BD and all the crap the MLCer does takes up so much of the story when we first meet our ICs, that it would be hard for anyone to get past the marriage break up part of the story to your healing in just one session.

With my IC, we do a bit of everything. The focus is clearly on my healing but H pops into our sessions but that's because I want it. It's possible your IC thinks you want to know how to get your H back, maybe that's what most people want when they go to the IC. You're further ahead in your own work, so you kind of know what you want help with.

Anyway, at least your H is not monstering and was very fair with the money. That's a lot.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2019, 05:59:11 AM »
Great to have you onboard Milly  :) Yep, I will prepare for the next IC session so he understands that while I love my H, I love the H he used to be, not the person he is now. I don't want that person in my life, I lived with him for 7 months before BD2 and I was a wreck. Now I'm sad because I'm still grieving the lose of my marriage but my life is a lot more peaceful..   And I agree with you, not seeing monster and not having to enter in a financial battle has helped me to get off the roller-coaster a lot faster. I am "lucky" in that respect.


Journaling
SIL (married to H's brother) came to stay with me on Sat night.. As usual, we spent half of the night psychoanalyzing our ILs as she finds herself very alone in the family now that I'm gone. In a way it helps me understand FOO issues with my H a bit better but sometimes I do wonder is this type of conversation is actually good for me.. It just builds more anger against them and they are not longer part of my life so it feels like wasted energy..

Anyway, in relation to H, she didn't know a whole lot. She said that the last time she was in H's town, it became very clear to her that FIL is not happy about H moving abroad. He doesn't understand why he had to leave, etc etc... My H was always at FIL and MIL's beck and call, a lot more than his 4 sibling, SIL even agreed with that. So I guess now their nose is out of joint because they don't have him running over to them every time they wish.. And I'm actually happy about this, people in their 70s should not expect their adult children to be at their disposal (something that seems to be at odds with MIL and FIL)

I continue to believe that H has been neglected as a child and he always struggled with the parent's lack of love and acceptance. I find it very interesting that when he left me he gave me a speech about how he didn't like how I interacted with his family, he wanted to be closer to his family, he could do a lot of his hobbies in his home town, etc etc. and then he ended up leaving them anyway?  ??? I'd say when he was living with his parents he realized that the fantasy that he had built in his mind about spending quality time with his family quickly disintegrated because they are not nice people so he ran again, this time from them..

SIL thinks that H is having quite limited contact with the family and mainly through texts. Her H is the closest to my H and they haven't spoken on the phone since H left nearly 4 months ago.. With today's technology, it's simply lack of interest in having contact. I speak to my family on the other side of the world quite regularly. SIL thinks that the "perfect family" picture is breaking up. Every time that they visited the home town ALL the siblings would do the mandatory stop at the parents house to see SIL and BIL.. This last time only one sister went, the other 2 didn't show up at all because they were "busy"... I would love for that family to implode... I would just get popcorn and enjoy the show (Very wicked, I know  :-[  )
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2019, 07:01:29 AM »
More journaling

As I mentioned in my last thread, some of my memories are coming back from BD2.. I think I blocked some of the memories because they were very painful but slowly they are coming back to me.. And one of the memories has lead me to a new theory about my H's departure. Not sure how true this is and I will probably never know the answer but here it is... I think H told his family that we were going to separate before I came back from my family visit last year (and before he told me) because he thought I was coming back to pull the plug myself.

When I discovered that H had planned a holiday without letting me know I was already in my home country. I started sending him angry text messages telling him I felt betrayed and didn't know if I could trust him anymore. At this stage I had been living with the MLC alien for 7 months (although I didn't understand MLC at the time) and things were not great between us. When I tried to ring him to talk to him and understand why he had lied to me, he didn't pick up the phone and sent a text saying that it was not the right time to talk about it... I sent a text back saying "Fine, if you don't want to talk, don't. This changes things for me. Don't worry, I won't contact you again"

And then silence for 2 weeks and when I came home, he told me he wanted to separate.. When he saw how shocked I was and probably heard the sound of my heart breaking, he genuinely looked very confused and he muttered something about my last text message.. When I sent those texts he was in the middle east (same country as he's living now) and 2 days later he flew to Asia to see his fantasy OW... I know he traveled first class which is very very unusual, we always traveled economy... And this makes me wonder if in the craziness of the moment he bought a flight last minute.. My text gave him the excuse, he thought we were over..

This theory obviously has made me beat myself up for the texts I sent, if I had done x, w or z...  ::) But the reality is that an adult person who was really committed to a marriage wouldn't have done what he did. He had checked out a long time before and my text was the excuse.. And let's not forget that the planning of the holiday at least to the middle east was done behind my back and when I questioned why he did that he said "He didn't get to tell me" We were snowed in for 5 days before I left on holidays... but he didn't get to tell me?  ??? BS!!!!!

But then this theory made me think about why would he go to the middle east for a holiday anyway if the original plan was not to go to Asia... He doesn't like the heat, doesn't really know many people, etc etc.. And I think the answer is his ego... I think H is very good at compartmentalizing. He can bury his head in work as as long as his mind is busy, he doesn't have time to think or feel emotions.. So every time he was traveling to the middle east for work, he worked very very hard and the people there started stroking his ego about how good he was at this job..

He was employed in this country but was supporting a project there. As he was so good, the client constantly requested for him to travel. He would go as far as telling me that things didn't move if he wasn't there, making him the hero and he loved it. Before we separated, the client in the middle east was offering him a job there and H was considering that very seriously (and not including me in the plan  :o ) H became very big headed and adopted a persona that I hadn't seen before.. He was going there, staying at a 5* hotel, expenses paid and hotel staff treating him like royalty + he was the hero in work... From my POV, he seemed to be having a great time there but every time I said something like that he would deny it and get annoyed.

Meanwhile I was at home, dealing with everything house related and representing authority and responsibility.. He later confessed he didn't want to come home to me when he was there.. I thought a lot of our problems were down to us spending so much time apart so pleaded for him to move to a different job.. so he did and 2 months later he planned his escape. I took his high away, he was not able to get the feeling he had in the middle east anywhere else. His family or myself didn't give him that high..

As I read about addiction and how the affair with OW/OM has nothing to do with the actual person but with the feeling they get with that person, I struggled for a long time to see where was my H getting the high.. Now I understand that my H got addicted to the feeling he felt while he was in the middle east.. And that's why he is where he is today.. Still living in the 5* complex with staff treating him like royalty (Fantasy OW was staff at the same complex when they met)

Anyway, this changes nothing. H is still lost and I need to focus on me and my healing.. Part of my acceptance journey is to make peace with what happened to my H and marriage. And unfortunately the way I deal with things is to analyze and bring them to closure. Maybe my theories are completely wrong but if they help me to file the thoughts away and move on, I take it!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2019, 11:50:56 AM »
I got a mail from my MLCer, apparently my solicitor hasn't sent back the papers that I signed over 2 weeks ago back to his solicitor.. These are papers that H needs to transfer the rental property to his name. Until that transfer happens, I can't transfer the house to my name.. I'm so annoyed with my solicitor!!! Everything takes forever with him and it makes it look like I'm dragging my heels.. aarrrghh   It'll be too complicated to change solicitor now but I would if I could.. I replied saying that I will contact them tomorrow morning. I had to say I was sorry for the delay.. I really didn't need that!  >:(
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2019, 01:35:56 PM »
I understand your frustration one day. It’s not something I’ve ever been through but I do know how annoying it is when your waiting on somebody else. However it’s a minor inconvenience in the path to peace I guess.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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