Author Topic: My Story One day's journey to Acceptance  (Read 1805 times)

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
My Story One day's journey to Acceptance
« on: April 11, 2019, 07:21:35 AM »
Time for thread number 5!

Quick summary of my story
- Both H and I turn 40 in 2017. Together 15 years, married 8 at the time of separation.
- H starts traveling a lot for work in April 2017, spending 2-3 weeks away, coming home for 1-2 and away again. I start feeling some distancing/odd behavior but put it all down to the amount of time he's away.
- Aug 2017: H starts saying his life has no purpose, he's not happy, might want kids (after 15 years of saying he didn't want them)
- Months of constant negativity, emotionally detached, no more "we", selfish me, me, me. Very restless, sometimes depressed, saying he feels old.  I start to pretzel and do things to please him, he does not notice or acknowledge what I do.. I walk on eggshells.
- Feb 2018: I blow up and tell him I can't carry the weight of our marriage on my own. We agree that we will take some time to think (him more than me) while I spend 2 weeks away with family in March
- March 2018: While I'm away with family, H goes on a "holiday" but only tells me when he's already there and refuses to talk to me. When I come home he confesses he traveled to see someone he met during his business trips. He says no PA but I'm not sure I believe him.. Definitely EA at the very least, she lives on the other side of the world! ILBINILWY, he wants to separate, laundry list of everything I've done wrong.
- May 2018: H moves out at my request as I can't stand the roommate status with regular mixed messages and the constant texting with OW.
- Dec 2018: Separation agreement signed and many practical/financial matters sorted. No monster, I came out pretty good in the whole thing.. A bit surprised! Guilt?
- Dec 2018: H moved abroad for work. Plans to be away for a year or 2. OW is in a different country. Don't know if they are still in contact.
- April 2019: Limited contact with H about practical matters, all very civil.

So after my major melt down after my trip home I seem to have reached a new level of acceptance and detachment. Still a long way to be healed and thriving but I feel... different. H is still present in my head but not obsessively as before. I have reached the point where I understand logically and emotionally that this won't be quick, H will probably be lost in the MLC fog for years and while I still love him, I have started to take a few steps away from the stasis box. I'm trying to gain confidence to explore the world around me and hopefully get to a point where I'm happy with my life regardless.. I'm not closing the door, at least not yet but I'm tired of limbo after nearly 20 months...  Wish me luck!


Previous thread => https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10618.0
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 06:00:04 AM by OldPilot »
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2019, 07:43:52 AM »
So last thread I ended talking about my first session with a new IC.. Not a brilliant experience but it seems practically impossible to find an IC that "gets it"

The best IC needs to get trauma recovery (for the LBS) and severe depression/ existential crisis to get the MLC context. If they don't...and many don't...they are less useful. And tbh ANY IC that tells you to do x or y at the end of a first session unless it is basic self care actions is not a highly competent IC. Too quick to solutions with too little sense of you yet imho. Either not very competent, too narcissistic or too comfortable with his own rigid route map. All of which are not helpful...and this is basic IC skill set stuff tbh. Like hearing a squeak and assuming a hinge needs oil bc he has seen that before...when actually it's a mouse  :)

So find a better one, my friend. They are out there...maybe search for good trauma based ones who get the rebuilding process after loss or events that flip life on its head? Jmo.
This guy specializes in trauma, depression and is also life coach so that's why I thought he was a good bet. He has more letters after his name than I could possibly recognize.. In fairness, I covered all the self care I was doing and I think he felt I was in a pretty safe place. He went as far as telling me I was doing the right things (sleeping, eating, exercising, socializing and spending time with friends) He asked if I had taken any steps to protect me financially and I said yes. I also mentioned HS (not by name, I just said it was an online forum) and I that was getting a lot of support here..

To be honest, I had to drive over while on a conference call for work and I literally hung up the phone as I walked in so I was not in the best frame of mind for the session and definitely not as prepared as I wanted to be. I walked in and I vomited all my story in about 40 minutes and then I told him I needed help to move forward with my life... The guys was a bit  :o :o
So I want to give him a second chance and go into the session a bit more centered.. But if I come out feeling the same after that session, I will definitely look for another one!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2019, 10:58:27 AM »
Staying with you one day
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Maleficent

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 132
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2019, 06:48:10 PM »
Hi One Day,  following along.  I have been with the same IC since a few weeks after BD.  I chose her because her bio showed experience working with women in trauma.  I also wanted an older woman.  She seemed to understand existential crisis, but seemed more interested in my healing.  At the beginning I cared more about WTH is going on and focused on him.  Gradually we have focused more on me and he has just become an afterthought.  We still spend too much time processing my various weekly RL dramas, but we settled into a nice routine. Now it's just good to talk to her and she understands me better than I understand myself (and how I got into this position). Where she diverges from HS advice, I make my own decisions.  So, it might take more than one or two sessions to decide.  And by then your IC will get to know you better. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2019, 03:41:56 AM »
Thanks for joining me Sachat and Maleficent!

Maleficent, I went to IC after BD2 but in most of my sessions I just cried and cried - I was just shell shocked and not really grasping what was happening. Even though I was very very low, I wasn't thinking about harming myself or others so I felt I could cry in my own time. That IC didn't believe MLC happened to married people  ::) so her main purpose was to help me move on.. It was really too early for that and she was treating it like a normal break up so I stopped going.

This new IC is seeing me a year after BD2 and I am at a very different point. When I talked to him about how H's has behaved in the last 9 - 10 months, he sees a guy who doesn't monster, who has been good enough to me financially and doesn't want to cut the invisible thread between us, who has never said he wanted to come back but his actions could be perceived as someone who realizes he f&%^ed up and is trying to make it up to me but he doesn't think he could be forgiven so he doesn't even ask.. A lot of people in RL think that actually and had said it to me numerous times.. I guess I see something different or I don't want to believe it so I'm not disappointed yet again.

And that's the reason why I want to give this IC a second chance. There's a lot of stuff I didn't get to say to him as to why I feel I need to focus on me and my healing and let my H get on with his crisis.. I guess at this point I won't be persuaded to contact H to tell him how I feel because I don't want to deal with yet another rejection that will make me go backwards.. Maybe I'm missing a big opportunity here but my gut feeling right now tells me I need to keep my mouth shut.

H is supposed to come here on holidays in the next few months.. I'll see what happens then or if he even makes an effort to see me. I will obviously need to make sure I don't build any expectations (which might be hard but I'll try anyway!) and continue living my life.. What else can I do?
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2439
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2019, 09:25:04 AM »
Joining your new thread, Oneday. Giving your IC another go sounds like a good idea. One session is kind of a short time to get across our needs. BD and all the crap the MLCer does takes up so much of the story when we first meet our ICs, that it would be hard for anyone to get past the marriage break up part of the story to your healing in just one session.

With my IC, we do a bit of everything. The focus is clearly on my healing but H pops into our sessions but that's because I want it. It's possible your IC thinks you want to know how to get your H back, maybe that's what most people want when they go to the IC. You're further ahead in your own work, so you kind of know what you want help with.

Anyway, at least your H is not monstering and was very fair with the money. That's a lot.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2019, 05:59:11 AM »
Great to have you onboard Milly  :) Yep, I will prepare for the next IC session so he understands that while I love my H, I love the H he used to be, not the person he is now. I don't want that person in my life, I lived with him for 7 months before BD2 and I was a wreck. Now I'm sad because I'm still grieving the lose of my marriage but my life is a lot more peaceful..   And I agree with you, not seeing monster and not having to enter in a financial battle has helped me to get off the roller-coaster a lot faster. I am "lucky" in that respect.


Journaling
SIL (married to H's brother) came to stay with me on Sat night.. As usual, we spent half of the night psychoanalyzing our ILs as she finds herself very alone in the family now that I'm gone. In a way it helps me understand FOO issues with my H a bit better but sometimes I do wonder is this type of conversation is actually good for me.. It just builds more anger against them and they are not longer part of my life so it feels like wasted energy..

Anyway, in relation to H, she didn't know a whole lot. She said that the last time she was in H's town, it became very clear to her that FIL is not happy about H moving abroad. He doesn't understand why he had to leave, etc etc... My H was always at FIL and MIL's beck and call, a lot more than his 4 sibling, SIL even agreed with that. So I guess now their nose is out of joint because they don't have him running over to them every time they wish.. And I'm actually happy about this, people in their 70s should not expect their adult children to be at their disposal (something that seems to be at odds with MIL and FIL)

I continue to believe that H has been neglected as a child and he always struggled with the parent's lack of love and acceptance. I find it very interesting that when he left me he gave me a speech about how he didn't like how I interacted with his family, he wanted to be closer to his family, he could do a lot of his hobbies in his home town, etc etc. and then he ended up leaving them anyway?  ??? I'd say when he was living with his parents he realized that the fantasy that he had built in his mind about spending quality time with his family quickly disintegrated because they are not nice people so he ran again, this time from them..

SIL thinks that H is having quite limited contact with the family and mainly through texts. Her H is the closest to my H and they haven't spoken on the phone since H left nearly 4 months ago.. With today's technology, it's simply lack of interest in having contact. I speak to my family on the other side of the world quite regularly. SIL thinks that the "perfect family" picture is breaking up. Every time that they visited the home town ALL the siblings would do the mandatory stop at the parents house to see SIL and BIL.. This last time only one sister went, the other 2 didn't show up at all because they were "busy"... I would love for that family to implode... I would just get popcorn and enjoy the show (Very wicked, I know  :-[  )
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2019, 07:01:29 AM »
More journaling

As I mentioned in my last thread, some of my memories are coming back from BD2.. I think I blocked some of the memories because they were very painful but slowly they are coming back to me.. And one of the memories has lead me to a new theory about my H's departure. Not sure how true this is and I will probably never know the answer but here it is... I think H told his family that we were going to separate before I came back from my family visit last year (and before he told me) because he thought I was coming back to pull the plug myself.

When I discovered that H had planned a holiday without letting me know I was already in my home country. I started sending him angry text messages telling him I felt betrayed and didn't know if I could trust him anymore. At this stage I had been living with the MLC alien for 7 months (although I didn't understand MLC at the time) and things were not great between us. When I tried to ring him to talk to him and understand why he had lied to me, he didn't pick up the phone and sent a text saying that it was not the right time to talk about it... I sent a text back saying "Fine, if you don't want to talk, don't. This changes things for me. Don't worry, I won't contact you again"

And then silence for 2 weeks and when I came home, he told me he wanted to separate.. When he saw how shocked I was and probably heard the sound of my heart breaking, he genuinely looked very confused and he muttered something about my last text message.. When I sent those texts he was in the middle east (same country as he's living now) and 2 days later he flew to Asia to see his fantasy OW... I know he traveled first class which is very very unusual, we always traveled economy... And this makes me wonder if in the craziness of the moment he bought a flight last minute.. My text gave him the excuse, he thought we were over..

This theory obviously has made me beat myself up for the texts I sent, if I had done x, w or z...  ::) But the reality is that an adult person who was really committed to a marriage wouldn't have done what he did. He had checked out a long time before and my text was the excuse.. And let's not forget that the planning of the holiday at least to the middle east was done behind my back and when I questioned why he did that he said "He didn't get to tell me" We were snowed in for 5 days before I left on holidays... but he didn't get to tell me?  ??? BS!!!!!

But then this theory made me think about why would he go to the middle east for a holiday anyway if the original plan was not to go to Asia... He doesn't like the heat, doesn't really know many people, etc etc.. And I think the answer is his ego... I think H is very good at compartmentalizing. He can bury his head in work as as long as his mind is busy, he doesn't have time to think or feel emotions.. So every time he was traveling to the middle east for work, he worked very very hard and the people there started stroking his ego about how good he was at this job..

He was employed in this country but was supporting a project there. As he was so good, the client constantly requested for him to travel. He would go as far as telling me that things didn't move if he wasn't there, making him the hero and he loved it. Before we separated, the client in the middle east was offering him a job there and H was considering that very seriously (and not including me in the plan  :o ) H became very big headed and adopted a persona that I hadn't seen before.. He was going there, staying at a 5* hotel, expenses paid and hotel staff treating him like royalty + he was the hero in work... From my POV, he seemed to be having a great time there but every time I said something like that he would deny it and get annoyed.

Meanwhile I was at home, dealing with everything house related and representing authority and responsibility.. He later confessed he didn't want to come home to me when he was there.. I thought a lot of our problems were down to us spending so much time apart so pleaded for him to move to a different job.. so he did and 2 months later he planned his escape. I took his high away, he was not able to get the feeling he had in the middle east anywhere else. His family or myself didn't give him that high..

As I read about addiction and how the affair with OW/OM has nothing to do with the actual person but with the feeling they get with that person, I struggled for a long time to see where was my H getting the high.. Now I understand that my H got addicted to the feeling he felt while he was in the middle east.. And that's why he is where he is today.. Still living in the 5* complex with staff treating him like royalty (Fantasy OW was staff at the same complex when they met)

Anyway, this changes nothing. H is still lost and I need to focus on me and my healing.. Part of my acceptance journey is to make peace with what happened to my H and marriage. And unfortunately the way I deal with things is to analyze and bring them to closure. Maybe my theories are completely wrong but if they help me to file the thoughts away and move on, I take it!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2019, 11:50:56 AM »
I got a mail from my MLCer, apparently my solicitor hasn't sent back the papers that I signed over 2 weeks ago back to his solicitor.. These are papers that H needs to transfer the rental property to his name. Until that transfer happens, I can't transfer the house to my name.. I'm so annoyed with my solicitor!!! Everything takes forever with him and it makes it look like I'm dragging my heels.. aarrrghh   It'll be too complicated to change solicitor now but I would if I could.. I replied saying that I will contact them tomorrow morning. I had to say I was sorry for the delay.. I really didn't need that!  >:(
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2019, 01:35:56 PM »
I understand your frustration one day. It’s not something I’ve ever been through but I do know how annoying it is when your waiting on somebody else. However it’s a minor inconvenience in the path to peace I guess.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2019, 01:50:16 PM »
The problem is that his mortgage approval has expired. If the bank doesn't get the papers back fast, they might ask him to go through a new approval process.. but he left the country and his old job.. so the bank might not approve him again and then we are both stuck owning the 2 properties for the foreseeable future  >:(
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2019, 02:23:40 AM »
Still waiting to hear back from the solicitor to see what the h3!! happened to the paperwork. They are unreal! I mailed a bit back and forth with my H last night and he doesn't seem to be overly upset but this delay could have us linked with the properties for much longer than we thought... I don't know, maybe this is happening for a reason... What I notice is that he seems determined to do the split of assets so obviously I have no reason to purposely delay matters.. At the end of the day, the longer this goes on, the longer I will be tied up to him (and him to me).. Maybe I'm wrong with my approach but I really want to set him free.. So he gets the chance to experience what he thinks he wants.. and then he can decide for himself if what he says he wants, it's what he actually wants (if you catch my drift!)

One of the things I noticed last night is that I can be a bit more relaxed when I communicate with him. I used to be get very anxious, read my mails or texts a million times before sending.. Always short and to the point and very little else. Where last night I was more relaxed, like the hurt no longer affects the way I want to express.. I even felt a little bit playful and sent a couple of emojis - This is a small thing and it won't affect him but it's a change in my own behavior.. I can be more me with him rather than being clouded by sadness.. it was interesting..

The bad news is that I ended up dreaming about him last night. He was back, we ML for the first time and he told me how much he missed.. Not a picture I needed this morning  :-[ It's as if when i think I'm letting go of him and the hurt, something like this happens and it makes me take a step back... I guess I'll have to let the day wash this memory away...
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2019, 02:30:45 AM »
All you can do with the practical stuff, one day, is your best. Other things and people are not fully in your control, so just keep doing you and let things fall out as they will. After all, none of this situation was made by you so the problems that come from it are not all in your hands either are they?

Glad to hear you can feel a bit different about contact. And the dream? I wonder if our brain fires up some of those attachment memories at the very point when we are beginning to really start to let go of some. Like a residual flurry. It will pass and evolve though...I very rarely dream of my h now and the person I knew has faded in my memory as time and events have pushed me forward.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2019, 03:41:39 AM »
All you can do with the practical stuff, one day, is your best. Other things and people are not fully in your control, so just keep doing you and let things fall out as they will. After all, none of this situation was made by you so the problems that come from it are not all in your hands either are they?

Thanks Treasur. You hit the nail on the head.. I tend to put all the problems in my backpack and carry the weight with me but you are right, this is not something I created and I shouldn't feel responsible for it all.. I tend to forget that
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 09:29:19 AM »
So after some chasing yesterday, my solicitor's secretary confirmed that the paperwork was sent back to H's solicitor and that they were following up with them to double check they haven't received it and if they haven't, they need to send the paperwork again for me to sign... To say this is frustrating it's an understatement!  >:(

I mailed H back yesterday with that update and also to sort of let him know that the ball was in his court (or his solicitor's to be exact) - No response... I chased my solicitor again today to see if there were news.. No news, they tried to ring several times, no response. It feels like I'm the only one that gets agitated over this stuff and I'm tired of it. I give up.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2019, 09:42:56 AM »
Yup, you have done what you can and were required to do.
I give you permission to put that backpack down  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2019, 07:05:54 AM »
Thanks Treasur.. I managed to put the backpack down for a day and then yesterday I got another mail from H and I put it back on.. argh. The tone of his mail didn't seem as good as previous ones so he might be starting to loose his cool.

Essentially he implied my solicitor's secretary was lying when she said she contacted his solicitor on Tue and that she only made contact on Wed. His solicitor said that she "obviously" hadn't received anything so she was issuing all the paperwork again for me to sign and that my solicitor would have it in a day or so.. But with the Easter break my solicitor is not around until Wed..

At a logical level, this is a tiny thing and I know it. Even looking at other people's threads I feel like slapping myself so I get a grip because there are much bigger problems than this. But this OTT reaction for something small is not new to me, I do it all the time actually. I can't stand feeling like something is my fault or that anything even remotely related to me is wrong or can affect someone else negatively.. It's like I expect myself to be perfect and to be able to control everything around me to be perfect as well. Which is nonsense obviously but my reaction is anxiety when I can't control something. If anyone says anything to me, I feel under attack and it's like I HAVE to justify what happened, even if it was completely out of my control but in my head "I should have done better"

It would be probably easy to blame the BDs but I've been like this for many years, I can't even remember when it started. This is probably why the laundry list I got from H affected me so bad and has left so many long lasting effects. And despite everything H did, I still blame myself at some level...

Right now every time I see the mail from H, I get anxious and I think I need to explain. I try to distract myself but the thoughts come back to be my head over and over again. So far I haven't answered and I don't see the point in doing so.. It's ridiculous! I think I'll do some cleaning and tire myself out.  ::)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2019, 07:24:10 AM »
Ok, now I am giving you permission to unpack your own fixer backpack lol  :)
Sounds as if control is important to you...and that you translate it into responsibility rather than controlling others...which sounds like some bit of you even before this felt like you were unsafe...or the world was unsafe. Do you know where that comes from? Or how long it has been around?

My fixer was sort of the same but different. Mine was about being logical. If I could understand something, I could see options. And that made me feel stronger. Actually my need for logic was more bc chaos makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable that I have no good tools so I am trapped and helpless. Hello, death, dementia and MLC....where obviously my old approach was always going to usually be an epic fail. So, with time and a battering, I think I have become more at ease with chaos and learned to use some new tools like faith and intuition.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 07:25:16 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2019, 10:03:12 AM »
Ok, now I am giving you permission to unpack your own fixer backpack lol  :)
You made me laugh, you are so right!! My fixing obsession is pretty bad, isn't it?

Sounds as if control is important to you...and that you translate it into responsibility rather than controlling others...which sounds like some bit of you even before this felt like you were unsafe...or the world was unsafe. Do you know where that comes from? Or how long it has been around?
I love your hard questions because they make me think.. And right now I'm not sure when it started or why I feel like that but you are absolutely spot on.. My need for control is because somehow, I feel the responsibility of making sure that everything and everyone is well.. And if it isn't, then it's obviously my fault!  ??? 

I could think of many reasons..
- Some FOO issues that are way too long to go into although there was no abuse or anything obvious that would make me feel unsafe.
- A year living with my dad and his partner who pretty much hated me and made my life miserable.. I ended up running to this country to get away. That was quickly followed by...
- A 2 year relationship with a pretty abusive guy when I was in my early 20s.. I actually had a hard time getting out of it and once I managed I felt a massive relief. The guy died a few years ago and I felt NOTHING which is pretty telling in itself

I guess I need to chew on this for a while.. It affects me in all aspects of life so I know I need to get a handle on it.. You would think that with the lack of control of MLC I would have learnt my lesson but I guess I haven't yet!
 
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2019, 10:18:35 AM »
Ha ha, my friend, you are an amateur compared to some champion fixers on HS  :)
Not sure that fixing is always a terrible skill....we just learn to be clear about why we're doing it and maybe use it a bit more for ourselves!

Chew away....maybe muse on why it matters so much that everything is well? And what 'well' looks like or means? I know I had to think hard about why chaos scared me so much and why being strong mattered so much. Sometimes the good stuff is in embracing the exact opposite isn't it? Like an experimental pendulum so you can figure out your new baseline. Glad the questions were helpful rather than annoying  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #20 on: April 26, 2019, 04:14:08 AM »
Ha ha, my friend, you are an amateur compared to some champion fixers on HS  :)
Not sure that fixing is always a terrible skill....we just learn to be clear about why we're doing it and maybe use it a bit more for ourselves!
FIXERS OF THE WORLD! UNITE! RISE UP!

and use some of that fixing for ourselves!

Chew away....maybe muse on why it matters so much that everything is well? And what 'well' looks like or means?

And if "everything" is REALLY your responsibility? Doing what we can, when we can, for who we can, to the best of our abilities is all well and good but "everything?" Might be like trying to eat an elephant in a single mouthful....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #21 on: May 01, 2019, 01:57:31 AM »
Thanks Treasur and UM.. Still chewing away here but I find that if I slow down to really look at what's happening within me, I start a downward cycle.. Maybe I'm not ready yet to really work on the certain things.. I think I'm afraid about what I'll find. Afraid to discover that my fixing or self blame behavior might have started during my relationship with H. Afraid to discover that maybe the relationship that I treasure and miss so much is actually not good for me.. I think I don't know what's real anymore..  :-\

The last couple of days Google Photos has been "reminding" me of pictures that I took 3 years ago while H and I were in Germany. I find myself looking at our pictures and wondering, was he happy then? Was I? Am I feeling lost without him because I love him and we were happy for many years or simply because I'm co-dependent and I need another person to be co-dependent with? I just have no idea where to start with all these thoughts, how to get to the bottom of all these feelings...

And this also gives me a bit of a reality check.... In our relationship I was always better at talking or analyzing feelings but I stopped talking to him about those things because he simply couldn't cope.. H will NEVER self reflect to try to come to terms with what's happening with him. He's simply not wired that way.. So why do I have this silly hope? Why can't I accept he's gone forever?  :-[
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #22 on: May 01, 2019, 02:37:46 AM »
I get the reality thing....perfectly normal feelings after a sustained trauma and with grief.
Odd feeling isn't it, like the one thing we feel most unsure about is also the thing we most feel we need to find peace with to move forward.

Tbh I think it is about trusting yourself again really, trusting your own instincts and judgment. Maybe forgiving yourself for things you did not know bc no one told you or bc they were too inconceivable to conceive as part of your life.
Our lives were changed by some unimaginable things but we have to imagine them bc they did happen...but often that feels as if our life doesn't quite make sense anymore and we don't make sense in the life we have.
When I can't, I find doing tangible things today helps....things that use my hands and body more than my brain or mouth, things that are undeniably concrete.
Occasionally logic helps, if not mine then other people's.
It is a bit like hunting the snark, but bit by bit, I think we can start to reclaim our own sense of Real. Not entirely perhaps but enough.
The fear is trauma. The doubt is trauma. The negative self-talk is trauma. Our brains are wired to think that if we KNOW things, we can fix them to make ourself safe again. It can be worked through but it takes time.
Don't be afraid to step towards the feeling...whatever it is...bc often the feeling will also tell you what you need to do. What kind of actions will help you feel safer or stronger or more certain or kinder to yourself. Trust the feeling as a signpost that your spirit is telling you what it needs...do whatever you neec to do to make Today real when you can't pin down the past or the future. It does help. Jmo.

You might find this helpful https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/04/five-empowering-ways-to-recover-from-gaslighting/ bc what you are also trying to do is not gaslight yourself either as you heal and rebuild.
PS there is nothing wrong with who you were or who you are....everything you feel is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation that you did not create. And you will get to the other side even if you can't see it yet or know what to hope for. But you can't go back, life doesn't work that way...so hope for a good next whether that involves your h or not.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2019, 02:49:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #23 on: May 01, 2019, 03:26:55 AM »
I know exactly how you feel. I still get photos pop up on my Snapchat and Facebook from two years ago today. Infact yesterday’s “on this day” was photos of D2 who was then only a baby and H posing for selfies. And I just thought, this was only 7-8 months before BD and he looks genuinely happy but I was looking and thinking “was you happy or were you pretending?” “Did we only stay together because we had children?” And all those things. I believe it’s normal. These feelings will pass. And before you know it you’ll be seeing the wood from the trees.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #24 on: May 01, 2019, 07:10:31 AM »
Thanks Treasur, I remember your thread about the reality of it all and how you worked through it. I hope eventually I can get to the stage you are, it's going to be a rough ride though! I think you bring a valid point.. Trusting myself is something I'm struggling with.. I'm constantly doubting myself. I literally feel like I know absolutely nothing.. I think X and then I spend a long time doubting it.. what if I'm wrong? Is X real or is it what I want it to be? what if I act based on X but it's actually Y?   and on and on..

At some point when H started with MLC, he accused me of suffering of analysis paralysis.. I don't know if he was projecting his own feelings (as he clearly sat on a fence as to whether he was committed to the marriage or not) but that's how I feel right now.. When I try to snap out of it, self doubt stops me again. And I'm hiding this from pretty much everyone.. I only opened up to a friend's wife last weekend but that was only because she has been fighting her own stuff and I know she can truly understand what I'm talking about. I feel very isolated in RL otherwise.

Thanks for the link, I will have a look at it and probably for look more info on this topic because I think my H's gaslighting might be responsible for a lot of doubt I have..The gaslighting in my case started a long time ago.. Maybe it was always there but I noticed it in the last few years, even before MLC made an appearance. There was one particular thing that happened on a regular basis.. H would casually mention something at passing like:
H: "I'm going to do x when I'm in my home town this weekend"
M: "Oh, are you going to your home town?"
H: I TOLD YOU before!!! You never listen to me...
M:  :o  After this happened a few times, I started blaming myself.. It was obviously my fault but I was never able to remember the "previous" conversation.

Just a quick search brought me to this..

What is a gaslighter personality?
Gaslighting can also be part of an authoritarian personality. A person with an authoritarian personality tends to think in absolutes: Things are 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. When a gaslighter thinks that they are not the problem and everyone else is, this is called having an ego-syntonic personality.


Authoritarian, 100%s and everyone else being the problem... Unfortunately this sounds very familiar.. Sounds like my H, learnt behavior from his father.. Maybe I am better off without him as much as that admission hurts. I still love him despite his bad side because I think behind that cocky mask, there's a little boy who struggled with the lack of affection and love from his parents.. He has competed with his siblings for attention all his life but he never got his needs met by his parents. And all of this exploded at mid life but he has suffered in silence for many years.

But then again.. This is an example of X, with the million doubts that come after such an statement  :P  An on I go on my own rollercoaster! I have done tangible things on and off and it does help in the moment.. But I have to address the big elephant in the room and I'm afraid.. I guess this is something I should bring to therapy and see if he can help me navigate this.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #25 on: May 01, 2019, 07:17:19 AM »
I know exactly how you feel. I still get photos pop up on my Snapchat and Facebook from two years ago today. Infact yesterday’s “on this day” was photos of D2 who was then only a baby and H posing for selfies. And I just thought, this was only 7-8 months before BD and he looks genuinely happy but I was looking and thinking “was you happy or were you pretending?” “Did we only stay together because we had children?” And all those things. I believe it’s normal. These feelings will pass. And before you know it you’ll be seeing the wood from the trees.
I stopped the reminders from FB because they used to trigger me, I need to do the same with google photos. I know the feelings will pass, as devastating as some days can be, I know the following day will be better which in itself, it's a great achievement. I guess I'm at the point where I'm looking at the broken pieces of my life on the floor and I'm starting to wonder what to do with them and how will they fit. I have a long way to go!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #26 on: May 01, 2019, 08:19:49 AM »
You may have a long way to go but you’ve also come so far!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 443
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #27 on: May 01, 2019, 11:33:51 AM »
I felt the same way. Everything changed with BD. I questioned everything. At times I questioned was this all a lie? Were these memories happy for both of us? or Did H have the wool pulled over my eyes that I couldn't see that he faked everything?

Those were the doubts about our R, but then there were the doubts planted about me. Was I such a horrible person? So selfish and cold. I got stuck for a good year trying to mold myself to what I thought H would want. Fake smile plastered on my face. I turned into a kind of step-ford wife. It still was not enough. H continued to contact OW the whole time we were supposedly 'working' on our R.

This year I truly felt ready to look within. I saw a lot of red flags I ignored throughout our R. How I allowed him to gaslight me, make me feel like I was in the wrong and question myself. "you never listen" or "I told you this already." I did everything to appease H. I hesitate to call it abuse, but H was manipulative with getting what he wanted by making me feel guilty. Unconsciously, H and I, in our codependent ways, fed off one another.

I was always a fixer. The friend that tried to make peace between everyone in the group. The one who always stood up for those being picked on. I try to see the good in everyone. I try to be understanding that maybe they experienced things that made them that way. Its hard to break this habit of 'fixing' and it takes concentrated effort to not do it. The rule of 3 helps. I find myself able to step back more and more everyday. Its been a 2 year process so far since BD.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2019, 11:35:29 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #28 on: May 01, 2019, 12:15:52 PM »
The gaslighting affect of someone else's rewritten reality is a real mindf**k for many of us.
And of course they lie so much about so many things.
Sometimes the gaslighting might be about control but often I suspect it is a less conscious defence mechanism where lying and blaming and creating confusion helps them avoid dealing with things. But it is crazymaking.

Most of us have a stage where we are playing catch up and still behaving as if the normal rules of a long partnership apply. I think that sucks us into taking responsibility for things we don't own, making excuses for their behaviour and trying to fix it by changing ourselves to meet what they say they need.
But then we find out that a) they lie b) they change their minds and c) they have no idea what they need and if they did it isn't in our power to fix it.
So then we move to our own unpacking stage...which can come with a bit of disproportionate doubt and rewriting for a while too...we learn new coping skills and start to worry less about being the best person for them and much more about being the best person for us.
The good news in that is most of us are very good fixers lol. We just focus on fixing other things now.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Disillusioned

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 281
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #29 on: May 01, 2019, 12:51:54 PM »
The gaslighting affect of someone else's rewritten reality is a real mindf**k for many of us.
And of course they lie so much about so many things.
Sometimes the gaslighting might be about control but often I suspect it is a less conscious defence mechanism where lying and blaming and creating confusion helps them avoid dealing with things. But it is crazymaking.

Most of us have a stage where we are playing catch up and still behaving as if the normal rules of a long partnership apply. I think that sucks us into taking responsibility for things we don't own, making excuses for their behaviour and trying to fix it by changing ourselves to meet what they say they need.
But then we find out that a) they lie b) they change their minds and c) they have no idea what they need and if they did it isn't in our power to fix it.
So then we move to our own unpacking stage...which can come with a bit of disproportionate doubt and rewriting for a while too...we learn new coping skills and start to worry less about being the best person for them and much more about being the best person for us.
The good news in that is most of us are very good fixers lol. We just focus on fixing other things now.

This is just so clearly and concisely written and it describes perfectly the process we find ourselves in.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #30 on: May 02, 2019, 06:59:50 AM »
Thanks Sachat, IG, Treasur and Disillusioned.. I have to admit, I didn't even know what gaslighting was until I came to this forum so I guess I was suffering the effects of it without even knowing what was happening.. It's hard to pinpoint when it even started to be honest, it was very evident since BD1 but I have the feeling it had been going on for longer than that..

I'm finding it hard to accept it as abuse, I watched a few youtube videos last night on gaslighting and it sounds like a very deliberate thing people do. I don't believe that was really the case for me before my H started with MLC symptoms (once MLC kicked off, very different story!).. I don't believe he did it because he was trying to manipulate me, I honestly think he just did what he learnt growing up.. As I have stated in many of my post, his FOO is quite dysfunctional.. They fool you into believing they are the perfect family but they are far from it and H buys into it..

Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter when it started. The point is that it happened and I need to recover from it. I need to start believing in myself again. Trust my judgement and thoughts. I don't really post here everything that goes through my head because some of the stuff is embarrassing or really crazy.. I guess acknowledging this is step 1, I have to keep moving forward..

On the lalaland front, not much is happening.. After a lot of pushing and strong worded mails to my solicitor, the paperwork that needed to go back to H's solicitor was posted a week ago.. I mailed H to let him know last week and he said he would follow up with his solicitor and come back to me... crickets.  I contacted my solicitor today and the secretary confirmed that H's solicitor has the paperwork so I guess the ball is back in his court. I won't mail him about it, he has what he needs..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #31 on: May 03, 2019, 06:08:04 AM »
Ok, I will probably get a 2x4 by admitting this but I'm really puzzled about something... H and I still share the same Netflix account.. I know, I know.. I need to get my own.. It's just one of those things that are in the to do list.. Opening an account is not the problem, it's all the stuff I have in my profile that I'm quite reluctant to loose...  It's ridiculous that after all I lost I'm holding on to something as stupid as my Netflix profile, isn't it?  ::)

Anyway, I could lie and say I went into his profile by mistake but it was no mistake, I actually went looking. (Ready for that 2x4 now!)  What did I find? H is watching cartoons... And when I say cartoons, I mean kids' cartoons... If he was still living in his home town, I could easily explain this by saying he's putting on the cartoons for his nieces or nephews.. But he's in the middle east  ???   So I see 2 options here:
- He's socializing/in a relationship with someone who has kids. I would find this strange but you never know or,
- He's regressed so much that he actually enjoys cartoons?  :o

Has anyone seen this in their MLCers? I'm truly curious.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 383
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #32 on: May 03, 2019, 06:30:54 AM »
I have to pop in here to comment on tv watching.

Last night my H was sitting in front of the tv with a box of cornflakes and a gallon of milk watching Gilligan's Island and laughing so hard he almost fell off his chair. He took a swig out of the milk jug (eww) and said “That Gilligan will never learn”.

 So very strange!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #33 on: May 03, 2019, 06:35:04 AM »
Last night my H was sitting in front of the tv with a box of cornflakes and a gallon of milk watching Gilligan's Island and laughing so hard he almost fell off his chair. He took a swig out of the milk jug (eww) and said “That Gilligan will never learn”.


Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #34 on: May 03, 2019, 07:08:44 AM »
Thanks Roo, it's somehow reassuring to hear other MLCers also have strange TV watching behaviors. It's really really weird.

UM, that was pretty much my face too!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #35 on: May 03, 2019, 09:50:15 AM »
Tbh with you I have no idea what Clington is watching on his Netflix. I got my own one in December when the kids gir their iPads. I know he’s watched “abducted in plain sight” because I mentioned it cos it’s something that’s on my “to watch list” and he replied with “it’s just your type of thing. It’s really good”.

Maybe he is watching cartoon or maybe he’s letting someone else use his Netflix. I suppose unless you see him physically watching it. It’ll be hard to tell.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #36 on: May 06, 2019, 08:52:48 AM »
Journaling
SIL (married to H's brother) heard that H does not seem to be very engaged with the family. No plans that her H knows of about H coming here for a holiday even though he said before leaving he would come back in 5-6 months for a visit (he's gone more than 4 months at this stage) H's brother said that he doesn't have a clue about what H is doing and he's starting to feel that H might stay in the middle east indefinitely.. SIL thinks that H is burying his head in the sand.. (Yup, sounds about right!)

Meanwhile FIL is getting more and more annoyed about H leaving the country.. Obviously H doesn't feed FIL's narcissistic needs while leaving in another country.. Oh well, FIL was happy that H had returned to his home town (even though that meant H had walked out of his marriage) so I have no sympathy for him.. I'm glad they get to experience some of the rejection and abandonment I suffered. Some time ago I felt they had won, they had H back which was what they always wanted.. Maybe this is the karma bus coming for them..

I know this is probably misplaced anger but H's FOO has been so toxic in our relationship that I'm actually enjoying the fact they are also affected.. Before H walked away, I felt the loyalty had gone from me to the family.. As H didn't have a real OW, I often felt the family was the alienator in my story so in a way, this feels like H leaving the OW.. I know I need to let this anger go because it doesn't really serve me in any way.. Something for me to work on!!

I had to mail H today due to some taxes. My accountant told me that I need a particular paper from H to file taxes for 2018.. A few months ago H told me his parents were going to post it to me but nothing happened.. The fact that H's parents go on like I never existed probably creates a conflict for them, posting something means they have to acknowledge my existence  ::) Anyway, no response from H which is unusual as he always tends to reply immediately... I'm not worried as it's not extremely urgent but sometimes I do wonder what goes through his mind when he gets a mail from me.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2183
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #37 on: May 06, 2019, 10:52:35 AM »
IMO
Fear , that's what he feels. Running like a scared little puppy.
He doesn't like anybody messing with his little fantasy life.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #38 on: May 06, 2019, 01:33:34 PM »
I think you are right Helping... And it's so strange to see it because for the 15 years we were together, he was a very strong guy, nothing really faced him. He was probably repressing all his emotions and tried to portray himself as a very secure and balanced individual. He disintegrated in front of me for 7 months and then he ran..

At the beginning it felt like he was running from me but I stopped chasing a year ago and he's still running.. It's very sad but I guess it helps proving the fact that it was not about me or the marriage..

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #39 on: May 08, 2019, 02:05:20 AM »
Still no response to the mail I sent to H on Monday.. It had a request and a question so it does need a response and he usually replies to me pretty much straight away so this is unusual.. I know he's still alive and has access to the internet as he posted a comment on someone's picture on Monday night so it sounds like he's purposely ignoring my mail. Maybe this is the beginning of his vanishing act, maybe he made the jump into his new fantasy life completely.. Time will tell I guess, I just hate the unknown..  :-\
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #40 on: May 08, 2019, 02:44:19 AM »
H might also be asking his parents to post the form again or trying to find out why they haven't rather than talking to you.. That way he doesn't have to acknowledge the guilt  he feels due to his actions...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3148
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #41 on: May 08, 2019, 02:53:38 AM »
Still no response to the mail I sent to H on Monday..
Its only been 2 days, even if longer than usual
......... Maybe this is the beginning of his vanishing act, maybe he made the jump into his new fantasy life completely.. Time will tell I guess, I just hate the unknown..  :-\
Stop monkey braining now, theres a good Girl! Its probably nothing so calm down, breath and have an awesome day. Do something nice  :)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #42 on: May 08, 2019, 04:54:11 AM »
H might also be asking his parents to post the form again or trying to find out why they haven't rather than talking to you.. That way he doesn't have to acknowledge the guilt  he feels due to his actions...
Yes, you could be right.. The interesting thing is that his parents are p!$$ed with him because he's living abroad so they might not be keen on doing him any favours.. Anyway, NOT my circus.

Still no response to the mail I sent to H on Monday..
Its only been 2 days, even if longer than usual
......... Maybe this is the beginning of his vanishing act, maybe he made the jump into his new fantasy life completely.. Time will tell I guess, I just hate the unknown..  :-\
Stop monkey braining now, theres a good Girl! Its probably nothing so calm down, breath and have an awesome day. Do something nice  :)
Haha, thanks Whyus.. Yes, those annoying monkeys! I have managed to put them back in their cage now.. And as a self care action I just sat down during my lunch hour and prepared some notes for my IC session this evening.. And the most important fact is that my notes reflect my feelings, my fears, etc. They mention H but it's more from how his actions affected me. I'm learning!! VERY slowly but it's progress  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #43 on: May 10, 2019, 06:44:53 AM »
Tomorrow marks the 1st anniversary of this household going from 2 people to 1.. In a way it's hard to believe I've been living on my own for a full year but if I think about everything that has happened in the last 12 months, I can clearly see the time going by...

Starting with the day he left... I was on my way out in the evening as I didn't want to be home when he left.. We both stood in the kitchen and I said I had to go.. His answer was "Ok, I'll see you........ when I see you".. I walked down the corridor and I turned around to close the door and I saw him still standing in the kitchen, watching me leave. I could see the pain and doubt in his eyes and that pulled at my heart strings so I went back and I gave him a hug. He hugged me back and kissed my hair. We didn't say anything to each other and I walked away before he could see my tears...

I cried all the way into town, struggling to understand how we got to that point.. I drank way too much that night but I didn't care.. The following day the house felt huge and so silent.. you could hear a pin drop. I questioned why I decided to stay in the house...  why did I need so much space for me? But I love this house, we only bought it at the end of 2014 and from 2016 H traveled a lot so I always felt I had bonded with the house more than he did.. Even though he gave me some sadz over how "he would never have such a nice house in the capital again"

And then I started a period of readjustment.. Cook for 1, garden work, some DIY stuff that I had never done before, budget to ensure I could cover everything with my salary.. I worried so much about a million things, anxiety was a daily occurrence.. I'm a person that loves company, I've always been chatty, outgoing, etc... Hardly ever did anything on my own, never saw the point in doing things if I had nobody to share them with... Even decisions about insurance, service providers, going to the supermarket, it was all very different. I was used to consult or run it by H because that's how we managed everything, all decisions were made together but all that changed when he left..

I've always been quite independent and it wasn't about depending on someone to do things for me.. But I missed my sounding board, my partner and let's be honest, the annoying guy who used to sing around the house and would drive me insane when I wanted silence  ::)

As time went on, things got a bit easier.. I don't feel like cooking? Fine, a sandwich will do.. A friend inviting me for dinner at short notice? Sure, why not? I don't feel like cleaning? Nobody other than me will notice. I'll do it tomorrow.... maybe next weekend! That sensor light that we bough 2 years ago is still in the box? Ring an electrician and get it done! I started to see that I was in control of many things and I had the freedom to decide what to do and when to do it.. I saw that the decisions I was making without the sounding board worked out.. Maybe not every time but if they didn't, lesson learnt, won't make that mistake again!

Do I still miss him? Absolutely. well, I miss my H, not the guy that lived with me the last 8-9 months.. Can I live without him? Well, I have done it for the last 12 months, haven't I? So I can, I don't really want to but at least I have proven to myself that I can... And that in itself is a good achievement.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #44 on: May 10, 2019, 07:08:28 AM »
Tomorrow marks the 1st anniversary of this household going from 2 people to 1.. In a way it's hard to believe I've been living on my own for a full year but if I think about everything that has happened in the last 12 months, I can clearly see the time going by...
<...snip...>
Do I still miss him? Absolutely. well, I miss my H, not the guy that lived with me the last 8-9 months.. Can I live without him? Well, I have done it for the last 12 months, haven't I? So I can, I don't really want to but at least I have proven to myself that I can... And that in itself is a good achievement.

Yes, it IS quite an achievement!

And, H? Mr. Sadz somewhere... Not happier, Mummy and Daddy are angry with him, living alone... Sounds like quite an improvement, doesn't it?  ::)
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #45 on: May 13, 2019, 02:15:06 AM »
I think once you get over the first few things. It gets easier. The first anniversary post BD. First BD anniversary. Once they are all out of the way it’s almost like the rising of a Phoenix. Your doing fantastic one day! Go you glen coco!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #46 on: May 14, 2019, 01:38:46 PM »
Thanks UM and Sachat.. Funny enough, I was so busy last weekend that I didn't give the 1st anniversary of my "living alone" situation much thought. On Sun night I thought "Oh, that was yesterday....."  8)


I'm just going to bring a post from another thread as I didn't want to hijack someone else's story... It has made me look at some very painful thoughts that I have been hiding from for quite a long time and maybe it's time to go "there".. I'm sure it'll be a long post so for that, I apologize...

The most hurtful thing for me was that he truly made me believe he wanted to have kids when for 15 years we were both in agreement that we wouldn't have any.. I replayed comments he made over the years to prove he didn't want them. His answer: You mistook humour for the truth  :o  So yeah, all of the sudden I became the terrible wife that didn't give him kids even though he had wanted them for years (but failed to tell me) and he had the right to resent me because of it.. And I believed it and bet myself over it for a long time.. I'm not even sure I'm over it to be honest, I just don't think about it anymore..

This is another one that breaks my heart. Something you can never change played off as a joke. If your husband wanted to have kids in that 15 years he would have came to you and said ''let's talk about it'' or ''let's try for a baby'' or ''how do you feel about adoption''. I know me and Beast discussed this early. We decided we wanted to be together a few years before kids, but then we wanted to have our kids while we were younger (before 30) so that they would be grown and we could relax and (hopefully) have them out the house by 50. We took into consideration family histories that made timing of essence....we took University and school into account...all of it. There were plenty of jokes...about being done at one...then at two....then we planned for the third. Having kids is sometimes by surprise, but often times (when a woman is on birth control) it is a choice. To have or not have children. That choice is constantly chosen by one or both parties. It is terribly unfair for him to put that on you, unless he came to you many many times in that time to ask for them. Big hugs.  :-\

I realize I'm not over this.. I still find I have feelings of inadequacy, I blame myself for all of this.. I failed to see his need, I failed to give him what he wanted.. I didn't act in the way that a "good wife" should have acted.. His "unraveling" was my fault...   


He made the "maybe I want kids" comment while we were on a bus going into town to meet friends for dinner. Great place to have a life changing conversation, right?  ???  I was completely shocked.. As far as I was concerned, WE didn't want to have kids, we had settled that a long time ago and there was NOTHING that made me feel that there was a change of heart until that day.. Originally we had said we wouldn't get married or have kids, after 6 years together we actually decided we wanted to get married and when we announced it to the families, nobody believed us.. (Yes, we were that convincing in our argument!) Anyway, this means there was room in our relationship to discuss decisions and change trajectory if a previous decision didn't feel like the right choice anymore.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not a kids person, never was. But I also know a lot of people who weren't into kids until they had their own so that was not what really stopped me.. As a matter of fact, when I was young I always pictured myself having kids but at some point that changed. I'd say my dad walking away from my mum and me when I was 1 and 1/2 years old and then watching him walk away from the 2 kids he had with his second partner when I was in my early 20s didn't help. It made me feel like kids would be 100% my responsibility because the father can walk away whenever he wanted (Sorry guys, I don't mean to offend, this is my family experience, that's all) and I wasn't sure if I wanted to take that on...

My family being so far away also would mean that my kids would not really have a relationship with them, my mum in particular and that would bother me because she loves babies and having grandchildren so far away would be torture for her.. And the feelings of guilt I have for leaving my mum behind when I moved abroad (this is a whole different topic for a different day!) probably made me think it was not fair to do that to her... But then again, all of these "theories" as to why I didn't want children are just that, theories. As far as I knew, my H didn't want them either so there was no point in looking for answers that I didn't need.. 

So going back to the conversation on the bus... I was completely speechless.. All I could think was "I'm already 40.. It's too late, too risky.. and do I really want this?" I felt like I was running out of time, I didn't have time to dwell on this.. A million things crossed my mind.. I'm on medication for migraines, it's preventive medication that I take every night. I was told by the consultant that under no circumstances I could get pregnant on it and I needed to wait at least 6 months after stopping the medication before I could try for a baby.. A few years before I had tried to leave the medication and I went through 18 months of hell between migraines, lack of sleep, etc etc. I was barely functional so eventually the consultant told me to go back on it and take it for life.. And all of the sudden those months of suffering came back to my head... how was I going to cope? All the implications of what H said hit me very hard.. And in my head, it was up to me to fix it and this enormous amount of responsibility fell on me and I could hardly breathe with the weight of it..

From that day on, everything changed.. My H started with the whole "my life has no purpose" "we don't want the same things" "I need to square this circle" "Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis" . He seemed depressed, distant, cold.. He was overreacting over silly stuff, sometimes he was restless, other times he was mean and bitter towards me.. All of this mixed in with lovely gestures every now and again that would give me a false sense of security that things were improving...  And while my rational side was starting to think that there was something bigger at play here, my emotional side said "This is all my fault" I kept asking him why he hadn't told me before.. Some days he would say "I didn't want to worry you"  :o  Others he would say "I'm as surprised as you are, it came all of the sudden"

I opened up to a few people about it and unfortunately some of them made me feel worse. The one that really stayed with me was "Maybe he went into crisis because he realized he really wanted kids" So here we go again, my fault..
In one of my attempts to "fix" this, I suggested MC. We went twice where he stated that he wanted kids and I didn't and even if I said at this stage that I was willing, he wouldn't have them with me because I would be having them for the wrong reasons.. So essentially he fired me as the potential mother of the children that he wanted so bad... He also said that he wouldn't want to stay in a marriage he was not committed to. (And somehow I also felt this was my fault, he was not committed because I didn't have kids with him) So at that stage he wanted kids but not with me and he didn't want to talk about it... "Let's just keep things as normal as we can" was his answer... But nothing was normal.

And after 7 months of putting me through hell, on the same night he tells me he wants out of the marriage, he confesses he traveled across the world to see a girl.. A girl that he met 2 or 3 months BEFORE the kids conversation on the bus. A girl that he seems to be infatuated with even though they lived in different countries... A girl who wants a family..

At face value, you could say that his infatuation made him feel like he wanted kids, just to have more things in common with her.. He knew it would shake up our marriage and maybe he used it as the excuse to leave... But deep inside, I still question myself as a wife and I know that when I "let him go" it was not because I knew there was nothing I could do, it was because I did not feel good enough for him. I couldn't give him what he wanted.   And no matter what the truth is, I need to find a way to make my peace with it or I will continue to carry the guilt for the rest of my life.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #47 on: May 14, 2019, 02:00:05 PM »
One day
Just wanted to respond quickly....
this experience is a surreal one and leaves most of us unsure about what was true or not in the past
Imho what helps most is to not let the feelings get in the way of the facts...

Look at the facts, all of them
Ask yourself what a sane normal person not in crisis would do if they realised that they had changed their mind about having children....and look at what your h actually did.
What, if anything, did your h say about what had caused him to change his mind or what he thought having children would mean to him, good or bad, and indeed what kind of parent he wanted to be?
I'm guessing he was pretty light on that kind of detailed reflection...and I would like you to consider if there are alternatives to the story you are beginning to tell yourself when you look at the facts and actions....such as for instance that it was another version of the external MLC happy fix or something he knew he could use to distract you from some of the facts or shut you up or hurt you....
But compare the facts before you create a heavy load for yourself to carry.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #48 on: May 14, 2019, 02:48:31 PM »
Thanks Treasur. The facts always told me a different story.. But when I brought them up with him, he just brushed them off and made me feel I was in denial.. And once he left, I just concentrated on getting through the day and I buried a lot of stuff... .. I guess it's good it's coming out but I really have a lot of work do

But you are right, I need to look at the facts again.. Now that time has passed and he's not around to influence my thoughts, I might get to a different  conclusion. 
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3289
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #49 on: May 14, 2019, 03:06:47 PM »
Please also keep in mind that what is the one thing he could hit you with that you had no defense for? Children. He knew you had both agreed. He knew you were on medication. He knew your age. What could he say to justify leaving and maybe make you angry enough to leave yourself?

Imo, it was another of those horrible things MLCers say to get what they want, with no basis in fact. Even if he had changed his mind about kids, a normal person would come to you, discuss options, and if no compromise could be found,THEN you go your separate ways.

That was horrible for him to say.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Gettingbackup

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 71
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #50 on: May 14, 2019, 05:14:10 PM »
I heartily agree with Treasur and Offroad. To my mind, this isn't about wanting kids.  It was a convenient way out.

I recognise the struggle you describe about being accountable for his leaving.  For me it was on different bases - I wasn't a good wife because I didn't like the music he liked, I didn't want to go roll in mud at Glastonbury, I'm not keen on spending hours at the pub... In my clearer moments, I ask myself if this is what love is? Really, is this it? Is my value to him the sum total of our shared interests? In that case, then any number of women would have fit the bill.  I was not special.  He was special to me, uniquely special, but I wasn't uniquely special to him, because any person with his shared interests could displace me.

I have a friend who can't have children.  She wanted them very much, went through seven rounds of IVF before giving up. She wanted to adopt but her husband didn't.  So she shelved that dream. For him. And likewise, he never had the children he thought he would have because he stayed with her.  They both chose to be with someone who was more than the sum of their reproductive potential.  They chose each other, the core being of that person, that is unique and irreplaceable. I want that.  We all want that. And now the time-wasters who don't understand what commitment is have released us, maybe we have a second shot at finding that. Silver linings and all that?
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 05:18:05 PM by Gettingbackup »
M42 exH 40 | Met 2001 | Married 2003 | BD1 May 2016 | Final BD Nov 2016 | OW1&2 EAs in 2009. Separated 2 months.
S6 born 2013. Cancer and lost baby 2014.
OW3 PA Dec 2015-May 2016. OW3 broke it off. | OW4 PA from July 2016. OB in March 2019.
Divorce final May 2019.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #51 on: May 14, 2019, 10:29:10 PM »
Thanks Treasur. The facts always told me a different story.. But when I brought them up with him, he just brushed them off and made me feel I was in denial.. And once he left, I just concentrated on getting through the day and I buried a lot of stuff... .. I guess it's good it's coming out but I really have a lot of work do

But you are right, I need to look at the facts again.. Now that time has passed and he's not around to influence my thoughts, I might get to a different  conclusion.

The key is that they are YOUR facts to assess and judge, not ones that require his approval. It is so hard in the craziness of this experience to see the wood for the tress and not try to challenge their dismissal of facts or indeed outright lies. Tbh more and more I think our spouses in crisis gaslight themselves every bit as much as they gaslight us....and why perhaps it is so much easier to see things in other people's stories ..but looking at the facts is a big bit of our recovery. We don't need our spouses agreement to do it. The fact that you want to look at it is a sign of healthy progress imho.

My h never wanted children. He was clear that this was bc of his own experience of being parented. I was ambivalent. Bc of our age difference I had to think hard about my own honest wishes and I knew then that if I had said I did, he would have gone along with it but that seemed deeply disrespectful to me. Do I regret it? I'm not sure, sometimes yes, sometimes no. It was the path not taken. But I absolutely accept that I had choice and made one; it wasn't forced on me. Will it hurt if I hear he has children in his second marriage? Perhaps and I have always assumed that ow would aim for that if she could. I have no idea if his feelings have changed or not. But children do not exist to fix broken people and broken people make poor parents.

The bit of this that probably serves you better is less about him and more about your reasons and choices for not being a parent, if your perspective has changed and what it means for YOUR life and sense of who you are next. Your h is self evidently from the cheap seats over here a runaway mess stewing in his own avoidance....but you are not.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 10:40:24 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3148
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #52 on: May 14, 2019, 11:07:19 PM »
One day (and treasur).. you have both read enough on These boards to realize that weather or not you have children makes no difference at all. There are LBSs here with very Young children and the MLCer still cheated and left them alone with all the responsibilities.
One day, you both agreed "no children". Thats it, the end of the discussion. Anything he said about children around BD means absolutely nothing, NOTHING! Its all bull$h!te, a reason to make you feel bad and him better. Hes actually suceeded too because your giving it so much thought.

Dont let a desperate and very hurtful comment from a mixed up tool get you down. Its total Bull$h!te and it has nothing to do with you. Its all on him, dont you ever Forget that.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Laugh or Cry

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 86
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #53 on: May 14, 2019, 11:12:22 PM »
Thanks Treasur. The facts always told me a different story.. But when I brought them up with him, he just brushed them off and made me feel I was in denial.. And once he left, I just concentrated on getting through the day and I buried a lot of stuff... .. I guess it's good it's coming out but I really have a lot of work do

But you are right, I need to look at the facts again.. Now that time has passed and he's not around to influence my thoughts, I might get to a different  conclusion.

These guys only have a nodding acquaintance with the truth, at best, and worse, they will be belligerent and vehement about trying to hammer their twisted version of the truth into your head. In self-defense, I'd suggest keeping a detailed journal of everything you can remember, and everything that happens going forward, so that he can never confuse you as to what actually happened. This has served me well with my husband many times.

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #54 on: May 15, 2019, 01:40:42 AM »
These guys only have a nodding acquaintance with the truth, at best, and worse, they will be belligerent and vehement about trying to hammer their twisted version of the truth into your head. In self-defense, I'd suggest keeping a detailed journal of everything you can remember, and everything that happens going forward, so that he can never confuse you as to what actually happened. This has served me well with my husband many times.

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #55 on: May 15, 2019, 08:57:55 AM »
Now, my 20p worth is this. Maybe your husband decided he wanted kids. Maybe that part is true. However it appears to me, he may want what children represents more than he wants children. Does he want a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager? Or does he want to know his biological clock isn’t ticking. To know if he wants kids, so be it, fine, he can lay down do the mattress mambo and let the swimmers swim. From my cheap seats, it seems your H is chasing the youth, chasing the fertility, chasing the health as opposed to chasing the child. If that makes sense?
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3289
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #56 on: May 15, 2019, 09:02:13 PM »
" Alternative facts?" BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. I'll keep that in my euphemism bag along with "quality belongings" (crap).
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #57 on: May 17, 2019, 03:21:20 AM »
First of all, I wanted to thank all of you for your answers to my last (very lengthy!) post. Writing and acknowledging the feelings and insecurities ended in a meltdown but it helped me release some of the pressure that I had built up. I read all your answers but I needed a few days to calm down and come back to this topic. As usual, getting other people's opinions really helps me get a different perspective. As "strong" as I might appear to people in RL, I know I have a lot of internal work still to do. I still get myself in knots every time I try to unravel my feelings and I struggle with the what's what, probably a result of the gas-lighting I suffered that in a way, I keep denying.

I will come back later with responses to your comments because they do help me to see the facts. But for now, I just wanted to say thank you ❤️

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2439
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #58 on: May 19, 2019, 01:03:00 PM »
Oneday, I'm sorry you're going through a meltdown moment. I sense that the reasons your H gave for leaving, still affect you quite deeply, and how could they not? In my opinion, your H used the reason he knew would affect you. The one that would have you feeling guilty for him cheating and leaving you - not the other way around. My H used a motive that left me believing I was he reason he cheated and left, and that if I had been a different kind of wife, he wouldn't have cheated, left, destroyed our finances, our whole family, our future........

All I wish I could make you see is that his reason for leaving was a manipulative trick. He found something you could not change, and used it to make himself (and who knows, maybe everyone else, too) feel better about what he was doing.

I really believe your H didn't want kids, until having kids could work for his new agenda.

Maybe talking about it with us has triggered some of the feelings you felt at BD. I'm sorry if that is the case and hope you get through this cycle quickly.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #59 on: May 19, 2019, 01:23:20 PM »
I think Milly is quite right.
It is what they do to justify it to themselves and to shift blame and avoid responsibility and create an impossible 'no win' situation. Only the 'reasons' differ.
I would guess you see that all too clearly in other people's situations bc you are outside them, just as we see it in yours.
And rationally, if that was the issue, your h a) had other choice that the two of you could have discussed, b) would have treated you with more compassion and fairness,  c) would be practically organising his life to achieve that goal.....which is not what happened.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 01:24:23 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #60 on: May 20, 2019, 08:46:00 AM »
Thanks guys, still cycling and quite unsettled.. I'm functioning nevertheless but when I'm not busy, there's this black cloud over my head and a heavy weight on my heart.. What really hit me this weekend was that despite feeling how I'm feeling, I was able to join a friend's birthday party on Saturday, we went out, had drinks, danced and had a great time... Probably nobody thought I was going through a hard time and I wonder if this is what we see in our MLCers... From the outside, their life might look great... But how do they really feel when the noise stops and they find themselves staring at their shattered life?   

Anyway, I'm still spinning over "was it really about kids or wasn't it? Milly, you are right, this "reason" still affects me quite deeply. Every one of his BS excuses I could see them for what they were.. "You don't come fishing with me" "You like to travel, I don't" "You don't buy breaded chicken" Stupid excuses and nothing that couldn't be fixed... But the kids topic is a very valid deal breaker.. And there was no quick fix.. And he certainly did not have any suggestions or tried to find a solution, he just made his statement and checked out..

Treasur, my H was very vague about all the details. He didn't really know why he changed his mind. He mentioned his brother having a baby. It was BIL's third child, why not with the other 2? or with the other 7 nieces and nephews?  He mentioned children would make him happy, give him purpose..

The first few weeks of this (after I got over the shock) I just thought to myself, he's confused, he's having a crisis, he's depressed and is trying to look for outside solutions. I saw it very clearly in my head and I try to convey that message... That's when other "reasons" started to emerge and his behavior started to change, I saw my marriage disintegrating and the pretzeling started.. Even my family started to ask me "Would you not have a baby?" And I kept thinking... "They are all mad! Can't they not see what's happening here?"  My in-laws never accepted we didn't want kids so they wouldn't have been any help... So eventually I started doubting myself and our shared history.. Seeing babies or pregnant women became a trigger (and still is)..

I have not really changed my mind but a bit like you, it's the path not taken.. Would my life be better now if I had kids? I have no idea. From my perspective, my H did not want kids and my commitment to him meant that I wouldn't question that decision if it meant putting my marriage in jeopardy.. He obviously didn't feel the same way (or again, maybe he used it as an excuse)

OffRoad, It really felt like a very low punch. And it did shut me up and made me look for stuff to "overcompensate" which off course went completely unnoticed. You are right, a normal person would come and have a grown up conversation about it. The question I have in my head is "was my H ever up to having a real grown up conversation?" I think he always struggled to talk about his needs and wants (due to his upbringing) and this is why sometimes I wonder if the way he did it was the best he could do.. (If in fact he really wanted to have kids)

Getting, yes, it did give him a way out that would feel justified. I also got some excuses about hobbies and things he wanted to do and I didn't or the other way around.. I always saw those as excuses, you are absolutely correct, shared interests (or lack of) are not a key component of a marriage.. And to be honest, I never pretended to like his interests so why was that OK for 15 years and then it wasn't? The problem is that they only focus on the negatives. From BD1, I cannot recall my H saying anything positive about our relationship... So if it was that bad, why stick it for 15 years?  ???

Whyus, I have no doubt in my mind that children would not fix MLC. The evidence is very clear in this forum unfortunately... If they want to leave, they will leave regardless. And at a rational level I think that if I had decided to try for a baby, he would have found another excuse.. But for some reason, I still feel this guilt and that's what I need to work through. It seems irrational even to me but it's still there..

Laugh or Cry, I think you hit a very valid point.. My H has many flaws but he was (is?) as honest as they come. And that's probably part of my issue, him lying so much is so unlike him that I probably believed a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have and that created the wounds that I'm trying to address now. My H has always been quite argumentative and he would defend his position no matter what. I don't like to argue so I always gave in, told him he was right just to stop the argument and move on.. So I "learnt" that he was always right and I was wrong and when he started to rewrite history my brain tried to fight it but my learnt behavior was to think he was right because he's always right..  ::)

UM, you made me laugh.. I always wondered how people could believe "fake news" "alternative facts" and yet, here I am, doubting 15 years of history because 1 person did such a number on my head that I don't know what's true or real anymore....hhmmmm

Sachat, I think aging was definitively an issue for H. He kept saying "Time is going by and nothing is getting achieved"  He got quite emotional once talking about feeling old and not being in his prime anymore.. I guess I should have seen it coming when he went back to play rugby with kids in their late teens and early 20s... he was already 40  ::)

I think it's true that we see things clearer in other people's stories. We are not emotionally invested and have no feelings for the MLCers in other stories. To think that my H manipulated me into believing he wanted kids to shift his guilt sounds so far fetched for the person I married... But I keep forgetting he's not that person anymore and I still have him up on a pedestal. And I need to get him down from there.

Treasur, your last point is what I keep going back to when I try to stop blaming myself. If he really wanted kids, why is he not nesting? Why hasn't he settled somewhere where he would be happy and started looking for the mother of his children? How does his behavior tally with what he said? Why didn't he stay in his home town surrounded by his nieces and nephews? My aunt couldn't have kids so she was always more than happy to hang around with me.  I know the evidence is staring at me in the face, I need the remove the blindfold that all the gaslighting put over my eyes.

Thanks again for all your support guys, it helps me when you make me look deeper, when you offer another perspective and when your detached view can show me what I can't see..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #61 on: May 20, 2019, 09:16:40 AM »
  I know the evidence is staring at me in the face, I need the remove the blindfold that all the gaslighting put over my eyes.
This.

Gaslighting is a bugger. It is a dreadful way to abuse another human being as well as a pretty common defence mechanism for people trying to avoid dealing with the truth. And it is sticky so it adds to our trauma and confusion.

So, you are completely right. What helps? Three things imho.
1. Consider the source and what they get from it.
2. Focus on the facts and the tangible reality not what people say.
3. Learn to trust your own instincts and life experience and judgement again. Which can take a while but you'll get there.

Lots of evidence and facts in your post actually, so I suspect you are already getting there  :) :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #62 on: May 21, 2019, 07:19:39 AM »


Here you go... Step 1
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #63 on: May 22, 2019, 02:05:55 AM »
Thanks Treasur and UM..

I'm feeling a bit more settled thankfully.. The sadness has been lifted, not completely but I do feel better.. But I find myself wanting  to get space and time to think.. I have noticed this in my last couple of down cycles.. Once I manage to get myself back up, it's as if I need some time to process the cycle, what it meant, what I learnt..  The good thing about it is that it feels like there's a tiny step forward after every cycle..  A bit more detachment, a bit more acceptance..

I read here a while ago that someone wrote down the negative aspects of their marriage and spouse.. It sounded a bit mean at the time but now I understand why this might be needed... How do I get my H down from the pedestal if I'm not honest about the things I didn't necessarily like about him and some relationship dynamics? I'm sure he thought about the negative list for a couple of years before he left.. Probably that's all he thought about. So why do I insist on only looking at the positives?... I was not a perfect wife and he was not a perfect husband so we didn't have a perfect marriage... I wouldn't have walked away from it but he did so this might be my opportunity to really analyze if the marriage was as good as I thought...

I just realized that I haven't updated on the latest exchanges with H.. Part of it is because while the contact still affects me, there's nothing really of importance in the actual exchanges... A sentence or 2 of polite talk "I hope you are well" "Thanks for the heads up" and then straight to business.... And I'm tired, tired of having this "relationship" with him that feels so distant and superficial.. We still have to deal with the mortgages, banks are taking forever to do the transfers, there's always another piece of paper... So I guess for the moment we still need to communicate.. I'm not sure I will want any contact once the practicalities are done and dusted.. I might change my mind, who knows... but right not I'm leaning towards "good bye, good luck"

The one thing that's probably worth highlighting is that H moved again.. He spent the first 3 weeks in a hotel paid by the company that hired him. He then moved to an apartment which I believe was within the 5 star complex but at this point he was paying himself (and the rent was ridiculously expensive) He now moved again, no idea where but his comment was "Still getting things for the apartment but I have the basics" so obviously not a fully serviced luxury apartment like the one he had.. The glamorous life that he lived when he was traveling there for business with all expenses paid might not be the same when you need to pay for it yourself  ::)

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #64 on: May 22, 2019, 02:24:53 PM »
I came across a thread that's called "What's BOMB DROP for a Wallower??" As my H is not the typical high energy MLCer I'm always looking for anything to do with wallowers but I got a lot more out of this thread because this LBS also had MLC.

This post talks about her experience during MLC, I found it very insightful and a lot of the things she explained really resonated with me so I thought I would share it here in case anyone else finds it useful..
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7533.msg503769#msg503769
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #65 on: May 23, 2019, 08:24:28 AM »
Every now and again I get a flashback or I see something that really makes me go  :o

Just clearing up old mail from my inbox in work.... I found a mail with technical manual about a topic I was interested in learning more about.. This was a mail from H... 4 days after he told me he wanted out of the marriage.. With the words "You said you wanted to understand X, maybe this helps"

Who does that 4 days after breaking your wife's heart in a million pieces?? Some days I can only shake my head in total disbelief.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #66 on: May 24, 2019, 01:04:01 AM »
Who does that 4 days after breaking your wife's heart in a million pieces?? Some days I can only shake my head in total disbelief.

Someone with a TOTAL lack of empathy.... You see, he was well into being the robot-zombie without emotion by that point...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #67 on: May 24, 2019, 01:09:25 AM »
As UM says, a total lack of empathy...but even a lack of knowing that this isn't appropriate so you should fake it even if you don't feel it... ::)

I have usually found that these little things are a very good reminder of just how f'ed up he was/is.
Which in turn reminds me that I am broadly sane and normal
Which in turn reminds me that once they stop behaving like a normal sane adult, nothing they say tells me anything useful or reliable about me or my life then or now  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2439
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #68 on: May 25, 2019, 03:36:25 PM »
Oneday, I totally agree with what UM and Treasur said, someone with no empathy and no inkling that you should fake it in that situation.

Back to the having kids conversation, I would say trust your inner knowledge on this. You did not force your H to not have kids. Your H is running, running, running, changing house continuously. Having kids might be something he feels he hasn't tried yet, and in the spirit of 'the grass is greener,' he might be looking at smily new parents and think that's the secret to happiness. If he does have kids, I think he will be the usual MLC terrible dad. If he does, whoever he has a kid with is going to be totally frustrated at his lack of care, and then the poor kid. Well, you just have to read the threads of those of us who do have kids.

You both didn't want kids. At least now you don't have a child he's ignoring, too. Nothing makes it easier, I know. Don't believe he secretly wanted kids all this time. He's just looking for miracles and using this against you because he knows it hurts you. This is how nasty these MLCers are while in this. He is being the usual narcissist. He's stabbing you where you have no power. This way you can never fix the problem so he comes back.

It's more than nasty, and it's definitely not normal breaking up. You could have given him a kid and he still would have left and stabbed you in the heart. Believe this. My H did this to me and so many others. Kids don't stop it.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #69 on: May 25, 2019, 11:20:15 PM »
I have found myself grateful that we did not have kids.
Partly bc I have read so much here about how cruel MLCers can be to their kids.
Partly bc I think I would have found it hard not to hate him as a mother if I had that experience.
Mostly bc it would have kept a link to crazy nasty that would have made it harder for me to heal.

It would not surprise me at all if I heard that owife was pregnant. Makes complete sense as a bit of ow script and given her age. Perfect way to 'seal the deal' if you have an ow mentality. My h exists bc his mother lied to his father about being on birth control as his father did not want kids....and I suspect ow and his mother may be cut from similar cloth. Will it make him happy if that happens? No idea, good distraction perhaps, another external fix, another reason to stay with his new life and avoid dealing with his demons. But also more adult required from a broken depressed man bc kids are not like a tv advertisement or movie lol. Will it hurt me a little if I get to hear about it? Maybe, but I'll survive.

I agree with others to honour your truth and your feelings. And that running MLCers use whatever weapons they think will hurt us and whatever story they can sell to themselves and other people. Most likely your h is a sad creature living in a flat that does not feel like a home, spending time with work colleagues who do not care about him and with strangers who don't know him, eating unhealthy food and waking up in the middle of the night thinking 'how the hell did I end up here'...and then doing whatever he can to blame you and not think about it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #70 on: May 26, 2019, 08:36:01 AM »
UM, Treasur, Milly. Thanks for your comments. Yes, the lack of empathy was mind blowing the few weeks that he was living with me after BD2. There was one day that I will never forget... I was in work and he texted me to see if I wanted pizza when I got home. We were separated but living at home together, separate rooms..   I replied to say I didn't want pizza and to work away without me. When I got home, H was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his pizza, headphones on and talking to OW on the phone. For at least 10 minutes, I was in the kitchen preparing something to eat and I could hear his half of the conversation.. It was very infantile and it was clear they couldn't communicate well because the girl speaks poor English  ::)

Eventually he went to his room to continue the conversation. While he was there, I got changed and went to the gym to somehow shake off the hurt and shock of the scene I had witnessed. When I was at the gym, H texted me to say there was pizza left for me if I wanted it when I got home.. I nearly smashed the phone against the wall when I saw his message. My head screaming WTF? When I got home I tried my best to avoid him but he seemed on a mission to interact with me. Eventually we met in the kitchen and he started talking like nothing had happened. I reacted and challenged him on his behavior and his defense was "the 2 of you caught me by surprise"  :o 

I felt so disrespected and hurt. I couldn't understand how any part of him thought it was appropriate to do what he did.. His lack of decency was shocking. In my hurt and confusion I kept asking myself "Is this how people behave when they fall out of love?" "Is this what I will have to tolerate from now on for as long as he lives in the house?" That day I felt he crossed a line and him staying at home was no longer an option. The following day I asked him to move out. He didn't like it and he dragged his heels for as long as he could but eventually he took his clothes and moved in with his parents..

I know this is ancient history now. Same as all the talk about kids, etc.. But at the time that all of this was happening, I couldn't even judge if all of this was normal or not. The confusion I felt was all consuming and nothing was clear for me. It helps to look at this in retrospect and finally see that it wasn't normal. Normal people don't behave this way.  I'm still struggling a bit with accepting he was deliberately being so cruel and manipulative but I will get there when the time is right.

It's more than nasty, and it's definitely not normal breaking up. You could have given him a kid and he still would have left and stabbed you in the heart. Believe this. My H did this to me and so many others. Kids don't stop it
I have found myself grateful that we did not have kids.
Partly bc I have read so much here about how cruel MLCers can be to their kids.
Partly bc I think I would have found it hard not to hate him as a mother if I had that experience.
Mostly bc it would have kept a link to crazy nasty that would have made it harder for me to heal.
I agree with both quotes. I'm glad we didn't have kids because that would mean even more people would be hurt.. I know it wouldn't stop him from leaving and as Treasur said, having to witness my kids being hurt like many LBSs in this forum.... I don't know if I could forgive him for that.. Also true that once the legalities are sorted, there will be no reason for me to keep contact if I wish to sever all ties. What I think though is that when there are kids, it might be easier to see that the issue is not the LBS or the marriage because typically kids also get abandoned. When you feel like the only person that your spouse is rejecting is you, it's harder not to take it personally... Either way, it's hard for people involved and that's the sad truth about MLC..

I agree with others to honour your truth and your feelings. And that running MLCers use whatever weapons they think will hurt us and whatever story they can sell to themselves and other people. Most likely your h is a sad creature living in a flat that does not feel like a home, spending time with work colleagues who do not care about him and with strangers who don't know him, eating unhealthy food and waking up in the middle of the night thinking 'how the hell did I end up here'...and then doing whatever he can to blame you and not think about it.
I often wonder what he has told people (if anything).. Interesting how you picture his life, sometimes I think something similar. Others I picture sunshine and unicorns while my life is still a bit unfulfilling.. I would love to know a bit more about his life but I understand it actually doesn't help me or his crisis in any way so what's the point? I don't even feel the urge to snoop in social media anymore to see if OW is in the country that H is in or any of his new female "friends" have become more than friends.. I was obsessed for a while but thankfully now I seem to have it under control. And when the urge comes up, I try to get busy until I forget about it.. Baby steps  :)

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online Standing Strong

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 142
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #71 on: May 26, 2019, 08:45:25 AM »
Praying for ya One Day.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #72 on: May 27, 2019, 06:31:11 AM »
One day I can understand your feelings totally. I’m not familiar with Vanishers because I have a very clingy clinger. But one thing I do know, is, if your H had a life full of rainbows and unicorns and he was genuinely happy. Then he is more than likely the first person in the history of MLC to be feeling that way. It just doesn’t happen. I get snapshots of Clingtons life. I get sent posts Ow does etc and even the people who send me the posts will comment on how unhappy Clington looks. These are strangers to Clington. People who haven’t met him in real life. Clington portrays that he has an amazing life. He’s so so happy blah blah blah. We all know he’s not. Your H isn’t happy. He isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. I understand why you take it personally because well it was just you and him, so it’s only natural.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #73 on: May 31, 2019, 03:41:32 AM »
Thanks for chiming in SS and Sachat. Sachat, I wouldn't consider my H a vanisher as such as we still have "some" contact but he's definitely not like your Clington!  ;D

Journaling
Not a lot going on over here but I just want to check in and document how I'm feeling for the past few days...

On H's front, he mailed me during the week with a tax form I needed.. I found his language so odd. "Apologies for the delay in sending this, I literally just got it now. Please find (insert tax form) attached below"  Dude, we were together for 15 years!!! What's with the formal language?  ???  It's just shocking to see how lost and strange they become..

As for me, I recovered from the last down cycle and I feel like some of the emotional ties to H have been cut as a result. All your help in making me see that some of the stuff I've been blaming myself for have nothing to do with my marriage ending, has brought some clarity to my thoughts. I thought it was my fault and the fixer in me felt the responsibly of fixing something I didn't break. And that responsibility prevented me from dropping the rope. I'm not sure if I have dropped it completely but I feel different. 

I can clearly see that I lost myself in the marriage. Some of it was down to me and preconceived ideas of what a good wife/partner should do. I was not a perfect wife and I'm working on a number of things to become a better person.. But H was not perfect either, there were a lot of behaviors I tolerated that affected me negatively. Made me loose my confidence and doubt myself. These behaviors are directly related to H's FOO, he treated me the same way his family treats him.. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with it so he repeats the behaviors, I tolerated it but never liked it... And I'm not sure at this point I would want to tolerate that in the future. 

I still love him because I know he really is not a bad guy at his core. I forgave him for what he did (although he doesn't know it because I never told him) so I'm not particularly waiting for a massive apology or remorse.. But if he was to turn to me right now, things would have to be different to what they were.. Which in reality means a lot of growth on his side and truthfully, I'm not sure he's capable of it.. It's a very sad realization but in essence, it would mean the end of H and I. I do hope he actually does grow, not so much for me and a possible future relationship with me but because he might end up having a very unhappy and lonely life if he doesn't change his ways..

I'm not sure of the current feeling is permanent or I will cycle back but I never felt like this before.. Is it detachment, acceptance, both? I don't know.. But I'm currently looking at H in my rear view mirror and he seems to be getting further and further away  :-[
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Maleficent

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 132
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #74 on: May 31, 2019, 07:17:59 PM »
One Day, I am there with you on so many counts. Losing myself in the marriage, and wanting something better for the future. What struck me about your post today was the business like tone your H used.  Mine writes in so many tones and uses so many voices.  I find the business voice the most abhorrent.  I call that one Mr. Amicable.  It is my least favorite. I prefer the angry messages because they have real person emotion.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #75 on: June 01, 2019, 01:07:38 AM »
How strange that your H goes into business like speak. I can only assume it’s because he’s so lost and doesn’t know how to speak to you. I mean it’s not like you spent 15 years together hey!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Rising Phoenix

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1250
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #76 on: June 01, 2019, 01:54:46 AM »
On they very rare occasions my h replied, it is always business like. I had a reply to does he like getting updates re kids etc as he never replied, he replied, “ updates gladly rec’d thank you.” I was surprised I got a reply and shocked I got a thank you! The only other time he had replied is about car maintenance! Ignores the rest but car maintenance can peak his interest!

I find it’s more business like in case ow catches a glimpse of it. Possibly one day it is easier to be business like to keep those pesky emotions buried. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #77 on: June 01, 2019, 04:10:27 AM »
Thanks Mal, Sachat and RP.. I read at some point in the forum that since they regress to an earlier part of their life during MLC where they didn't know us, it's easier for them to treat us as strangers... Maybe that's why we get the business talk.. I still find it very odd though! He doesn't always reply that way but there's never any emotion..

Then again, there's no emotion in any of my communication either.. it was hard to do at first, now not so much because I actually feel I don't know the person he's become.. it's very strange to explain this to people on RL, isn't it? Nobody sees the alien the way we see it..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #78 on: June 03, 2019, 05:45:38 AM »
UM's new moon report talked about getting information today, information that might overwhelm us.. I just got my installment I guess... And I don't even know how I feel.. I think I need to digest and process. It's the kind of information I was looking for the first few months my H moved abroad and I snooped and snooped some more because I wanted answers.. And then I stopped, maybe because I was trying to detach, maybe because I didn't care or maybe because I thought it was only going to hurt me more...

Today H commented on someone else's SM with a photo.. It was a photo of an ad and the ad had the location. The location is the home place of OW and I know he's physically there.. With this I can only assume that if it wasn't physical before, it has gone physical now.. And yes, this is overwhelming information.. Right now that some time has gone by I can actually force myself to picture my H with her, being intimate, sharing a lot of stuff that him and I shared before... It's a very painful thought but I need to go there but because that is what's happening and I need to make my peace with it one way or the other..

Knowing this, thinking this and understanding this makes me look at it in the eyes to truly grasp how I feel about it.. Right now I'm not sure I can look at my H in the same way I did before. My compassion seems to have left the building and I'm not sure it will return.. It's too soon for me to know what impact this will have in me, I literally just got this half an hour ago and I'm just vomiting my first thoughts here so sorry for the all over the place post..

For a long time I thought that once I actually got confirmation he was in a relationship, that would push me forward. Maybe allow me to find my anger.. Snap me out if this limbo that I seem to be in, still having hopes he will return.. The idea I had of the life he had abroad now changes completely.. The picture of the tortured soul, stuck in a country he hates with strangers has become his playground to live the fantasy he left me for and that feels like a stab right to the heart.. And I know this is the only place where I can express what I feel and people will understand.

I think I have some thinking to do... And probably some wallowing too  :'(
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #79 on: June 03, 2019, 06:36:58 AM »
One day I think each and every single one us knows the stab you feel right now. We’ve all been there when we find out about Ow. It’s really not nice. However, your still really fresh from it so it may take you a while to know what you need to do with this information. The plus side is, that your H isn’t about so that means you won’t loose your cool around him. So you can still keep calm cool and collected. I don’t have much to offer you because I know this is a painful time for you but I do feel that knowing helps. Kind of like if a relative is missing. It’s the not knowing if they are dead or alive that tortures the most. Whereas now atleast you know.

That said I very much doubt even if he’s acting all lived up with Ow. He is NOT happy!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #80 on: June 03, 2019, 06:48:18 AM »
I'm sorry.
Wallow or vent for a bit as you need to. But also FIRMLY apply at least a 3 day rule if not 3 weeks...no social media posts, no contacting him, no details shared with anyone you can't 100% trust, no big decisions or actions based on how you feel right now. Bc tbh - even though you sort of knew - your body feels like it is a mini-BD so you need to be still and gentle with yourself my friend.

Plenty of time to unpick what it means for you or the assumptions you are making later on xxx

« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 06:49:35 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2183
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #81 on: June 03, 2019, 07:14:26 AM »
One Day I think this will let your anger come. I needed that to happen to me.  Once it did, I got past most of my anger. Then I was able to start healing. Even after I found out solid proof, I was still in denial. I think we have to go through these stages to reach where we need to be.

I truly believe it's not what we think, they are just living it up. Living a fantasy. They are truly miserable. My W was the in the worst shape during her affair. I mean a mean nasty, miserable person. If OM and their BS relationship was anything at all, she would have happy. Not one day was she happy while she was involved with him. Not one!!!!

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #82 on: June 03, 2019, 07:36:19 AM »
Thanks Sachat, Treasur and Helping.

It does feel like another BD even though I probably saw it coming for a long time.. I don't think there's much chance of me loosing it with him, mailing him or any other sort of contact because the last think I feel like is to have any sort of communication with him.. Right now my brain is saying "You are dead to me H!" but I know it's anger.. I might mellow after a few days but knowing me, I wouldn't be surprised if this was what I needed to be done with him..

I think if the R would have been with anyone else, it wouldn't be half as bad... But this brings to light even more lies from him.. "She means nothing" "I don't know if I'll ever see her again" all lies.. So many times I thought about reaching out, make sure he knew the door was still open, let him know I was here if he ever found himself in trouble.. I'm so glad I never gave in to that need because right now I would feel like a bigger fool than I already do.. He was probably planning it all along from the time he met her 2 years ago!!

Treasur, thanks for the pep talk... My first reaction was to remove him and all his family from social media but I won't because he will know I did it because I found out.. I don't want him to know that this affects me.. Not because I'm worried about how that might affect his crisis, right now I couldn't care less... But my pride has been hurt yet again.. He played me.. How can the person who was supposed to love you and care for you be so cruel???

He posted the picture as a response to something his brother posted. The brother whose wife I'm friends with. She also saw the picture and asked her H (H's brother) where my H was.. BIL told her what country he was in and this behavior is so unlike H, that she asked if he was with someone... BIL didn't give her and answer, as a matter of fact she said he could barely look at her... I don't understand why he felt he needed to keep it as a secret from HIS OWN WIFE!!! So she wouldn't tell me? WHY????
Maybe it wasn't the best idea to talk to SIL about it, now she knows I know.. And her H knows that she suspects (based on their conversation).. so more than likely H will get told I know.. He might completely vanish now, we'll see...

I'm flying out on Thurs to visit a friend for a week and I'm so glad I have that coming up.. At least that will stop me from making stupid decisions while I'm suffering the effects of the latest developments.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #83 on: June 03, 2019, 07:44:59 AM »
One Day,

I am not sure which hurts more:
Finding out that our gut feelings were, in fact, correct
Realizing that the one person that was always supposed to be honest with us has lied in our faces, or
Coming face to face with giving them the benefit of the doubt was fooling ourselves...

As far as BIL is concerned, he couldn't look at his W (SIL) because BIL has known for a while that H's has been doing the deed and is embarrassed.... He's been keeping secrets from HIS W and now the cat is out of the bag....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #84 on: June 03, 2019, 08:09:32 AM »
Glad that you are heading away on Thursday. Try to concentrate on nothing more than a new outfit or lipstick or hairdo. If h contacts you for ANY reason at all before you get back, ignore it (bc if Bil now knows the cat is out of the bag and his wife isn't too happy with him, there is every chance your h will try a bit of post-hoc rewriting or some more lies or a bit of monster which might p*ss you off beyond your ability to control it  :) )

Your brain knows that really you knew. You were just hoping you were wrong, that it/he wasn't quite as much of a POS as he is. And a bit of you as UM says - unreasonably - will be cross with yourself. So too many big confusing emotions to walk outside without a leash  ;)

Here is where you will probably get to by the time you come back.
That your life still has sunshine, good friends, nice food and plenty of potential for things that don't hurt.
That your h is a typical MLC liar and avoider, and that probably the affair started in 2017 on one of his business trips. And that he is still seeing using her as part of his infantile magic fix, an ow in another country as a vacation fix or even worse for him a psycho one who wants to live with him in the country where he is working which will add all kinds of extra s$it to his life. But not your circus. And that now you know enough and can simply assume he is just the same as all the other sad cliched MLC sacks here. And that your h is no longer good enough for you and no prize at all. Time will tell if that changes. If it helps, few MLCers are capable of big plans just a series of knee jerk reactions that can look like a plan but are usually just lurching into a chain of events imho. Hence why so many of them seem a bit surprised by the entirely obvious consequences or that they end up where they end up  :)
When you get back, you may decide to do some things differently in the situation, or in getting your health checked out, or in changing your relationship with your BiL or SiL or his family. Which is fine too.

Sunshine, drinks and a good friend can do wonders, One Day, and I hope you come back feeling restored  :)
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 08:27:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2183
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #85 on: June 03, 2019, 08:58:36 AM »
Enjoy your trip One Day.
Try to not worry yourself what H knows and what he thinks . Don't worry about letting him know anything that you will be there if he needs you.
You didn't shut the door One Day, he did.  So it's up to him to open it up. When the time comes , it's up to you if you slam it in his face.
Try hard to just live on with your life. That's easy for me to say, but it's best for you.
Post some pics of you enjoying life. Not on purpose to let him See, but it will ease your mind , he will know your not bothered by his $h!t!

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2439
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #86 on: June 03, 2019, 01:21:26 PM »
Oneday, so sorry you have evidence that your H is having a PA. Like most of us, I know how awful that feels.

I think it's probably as Treasur said, he's been having one for a long time, just tried to keep it hidden from you because he's ashamed. He knows it's wrong.

Well now the pressure has reached its maximum because you now know. He'll find out eventually, but that's part of what happens. He will have to learn to live with this information being out, and you will have to decide how to deal with him.

Your BIL who knew, well I guess it's normal for our H's to confide in a sibling. The important thing would be whether BIL enabled him or told him 'it's ok,' or whether he tried to to stop him but couldn't get through to him. My H's brother met OW before BD when my H and OW took a secret trip together. My BIL then invited H and OW to stay with him right after BD. I want nothing more to do with this BIL. He didn't protect his brother's family.


We all thought we had the one MLCer who wasn't going to cheat, but they're all the same. It's hard but we do learn to live with this information, too. They do say that the secrecy keeps it more exciting, so maybe you'll ruin the magic once he knows you know.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #87 on: June 03, 2019, 02:41:05 PM »
UM, I think me giving him the benefit of the doubt is the worst part.. How can I be such an idiot??? Why did I think he was "different"? As Treasur said, he's a POS like the rest of the MLCers!! Right now I don't even know if it's MLC, maybe he was always a POS and I only see it now... I have to say, I will be tuning into your moon reports with even more attention from now on.. It certainly hit the nail on the head for me this time around... And it was interesting, I let you decide if it's American style!  ;)

Treasur, I'm happy to report that I haven't lost my ability to laugh. Your comment about walking outside without a leash  ;D I guess it's good I can laugh about it.  Right now I feel like a caged animal, pacing and roaring to get out.. I can feel my anger and I'm letting it go through my body because pushing it down won't do me any good. But I won't let it dominate me!!

I actually have a letter that arrived to the house for H last week and I haven't told him about it. It's sitting on the kitchen table and every time I see his name I feel like screaming!! (Time to move it me thinks!) I haven't told him about it and I won't... If it's important, he should have changed the address... You are right, I know I'm quite good at controlling my emotions but I'm still human and right now is not the time for me to test my ability to control myself.

I won't make any decisions until I'm back.. The time and space will help but I think this will change my approach on a few things but particularly with BIL.... He really let me down here. When another SIL's ex-H got engaged a few years ago and I saw the pictures in social media, I told my H because I felt he needed to give SIL a heads up.. She walked away from the marriage but I still felt it was only fair she heard it from someone close rather than a post in someone's wall... H agreed it was something that she should get a warning on and he rang her immediately.. To me it's common decency... but BIL didn't extend that to me in this case and I'm not sure I can look at him the same way anymore.. SIL told me that BIL said that she should invite me for a night over at the house, something that I have done before but things have changed now.. I don't want to upset SIL, she has enough sh!t in her marriage to deal with, but I don't think I can sit in BIL's house and pretend I'm fine with the lies and secrets. I really don't need people like that in my life.

Helping, for the last 14 months I've been constantly trying to figure out what he was thinking, what was he doing and why... Now? I really don't care! I know this is anger.. I will go and have a good time and try to forget about all this because there's nothing I can do about it anyway.. But a line has been crossed and the actions cannot be undone.. And the image I had about H has crumbled.. He's definitely not the man I married and she can have him!

Milly, yes, all cards are on the table now.. There are no more maybes or doubts, he has behaved in a way that no decent human behaves.. he's a coward, he couldn't even come clean when all of this started to put me out of my misery. I would nearly put money on the entire family enabling him.. That's just who they are, they will never tell each other what they really think because that would destroy the "perfect family" picture that they try to portray...

Maybe the magic will go when he finds out I know or not... He made a choice when he went pursuing someone while we were still together and I was completely unaware of the "problems" we supposedly had. He lied to convince me that wasn't true and yet, here we are 2 years later... If it was someone new, I wouldn't feel the same way. We are separated, he can date and so can I.. Even if they break up tomorrow, it won't erase all the lies and betrayal... I might be able to forgive all this one day but I'm not sure I want to entertain any hope of future reconciliation. I need to cool down and see how I feel in a few days but it feels like a line has been crossed and it might be the end line... for me.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #88 on: June 03, 2019, 03:46:05 PM »
I know these feeling all too well. I remember before Clington was official with Ow I said to him, he needed to be the one to tell me if it went official because it wouldn’t be fair if I found out from a post online. You see at the time I didn’t even think Clington would hide posts on his social media but low and behold. Guess how I found out? I stalked Ow on Facebook and there it said “Ow is in a relationship with Clington” I mean I did laugh because one of her friends who works with Clington and knows me commented #TeamOw. Erm, if there’s no competition why is there a team? Hahaha! But I know how you feel. I think the way you found out is awful too. Someone somewhere should have given you a heads up!

I remember this weekend posting on my own thread about “living as they ain’t coming back” I remember wondering why I posted that but then I remembered your comments and maybe it was to help you? Maybe this is now your time to shine so to speak. So
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Maleficent

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 132
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #89 on: June 03, 2019, 06:47:14 PM »
One Day, I am sorry--I remember the day I found out all too well.  It was worse than BD, because BD I could see some depression and I felt compassion.  And, mine lied, too, when I asked him and when other family members asked him.   I, too, felt like an idiot.  I decided to keep the existence of the ow closely held, so my family tribe does not know, and I do not know whether his family knows now.  I confided in a few close friends who had no interaction with him and they kept me well and helped me to laugh.  Be deliberate as to whether and to whom you will share this information, particularly now. 

I did not confront him at all after the fact--we had one planned and one unplanned meeting thereafter, and I had an agenda for the planned meeting that was more important.  Then he disappeared.  And, I pretty much ignored him for a long time.  I detached more after having the knowledge, falling into the twilight zone.  I can sense the anger in your writing and that sounds so much healthier. Enjoy your trip.  Make no quick decisions.  Keep laughing. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #90 on: June 04, 2019, 12:39:59 AM »
I think the fact they keep these Ow secret says it all. If they were convinced they were in live and the real deal. They wouldn’t feel bad about anything. I remember Clington telling me he didn’t tell me he was official with Ow because he felt awkward. Why would you feel awkward if you thought what you were doing was right. He didn’t feel awkward telling his ex about me? Sooo!

I agree, try as best you can to not make any rash decisions. Honestly if I could do my time again there are SO many things I would do different but at the time I was hurting and I did what I did in the moment.

Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #91 on: June 04, 2019, 03:54:14 AM »
Quote from: OneDayataTime
Helping, for the last 14 months I've been constantly trying to figure out what he was thinking, what was he doing and why... Now? I really don't care! I know this is anger.. I will go and have a good time and try to forget about all this because there's nothing I can do about it anyway..

So, for 14 months, you have been trying to taste green with your elbow... And? How did that work for you?  And now, you really don't care ... that is not anger as much as accepting the fact that you can not read his mind, you can not control his actions or his choices.... You may have needed anger to get you to that point but at least you are now in a place where you can begin to take your own power back. You see, you've "seen the light" so to say and realized that, no matter what YOU do, his choices and actions have NOTING to do with you...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #92 on: June 04, 2019, 05:58:40 AM »
Thank you guys.. I would love to say I feel better but not yet.. I only got 5 hours sleep, I woke up at 5 am and got a lot of thoughts rushing to my head so no more sleep for One Day! argh.. On the positive side, I'm too tired to care about H or OW.. I have counseling this evening and I'm sure it will be rough but will probably help to release some anger.

Sachat, I remember the comments I put in your thread and it helped me to crystallize an idea in my head at the time... And now with this new discovery I feel I'm getting a lot closer to truly "live as if" as per my own interpretation..

I don't know if H is keeping OW as a secret now.. The impression I got was that he fed his entire family many lies in relation to why he was moving abroad but maybe he has come clean now.. He obviously told his brother something about OW anyway... I have no idea what the family thinks if they know and I don't particularly care.. This family has a habit of sweeping everything under the carpet anyway so their opinion means absolutely nothing to me.

Mal, I only told SIL because of the photo incident. The only other person that knows is a close friend of mine who has been supporting me from day 1 and has 0 relationship with H. I think you are right, I'm not sure I want to tell people about it. At least not for the moment because that will engage their own emotions and I can only cope with mine right now. I'm not planning to confront him, I will get more lies or monster and that will not help me in any way. We still have stuff to sort out but right now there's nothing pressing so I will not initiate contact. I'll see if he contacts me and if I feel like replying or not.

UM.. I know, I know.. The famous green! I think we all try to taste it for a long time, don't we? Such a common reaction to the craziness of it all.. I have tried so many times to stop but it didn't work. I think we all get to a point in our own story where the penny drops and get pushed out of the LBS fog. In my anger, I see everything so clear now.. The manipulation, the lies, how much of a coward he is and how undeserving of me he is. I value honesty and respect, I got neither from him... Today I can honestly say I don't want his current him back. I don't recognize that person and he's not worthy of my time or head space. 

Thank you guys.. This forum has helped me so much.. All of you, the wonderful LBS army that comes to the rescue when one of us is down.. This would be so much harder without you.  :-*
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online Standing Strong

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 142
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #93 on: June 04, 2019, 07:34:00 AM »
Very Sorry to hear 1D

Hope some good growth comes out of this stage (yeah that sounds bad, but really we have to take the good each 2x4 gives us).

I think you're an amazingly strong woman, and super kind.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #94 on: June 04, 2019, 02:59:11 PM »
I think more than anything one day, it shows more about your healing that you haven’t knee jerked reactions. I mean we’re only human and I suspect that it this happened at BD then you may have reacted differently. Which shows your growth
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #95 on: June 05, 2019, 03:27:10 AM »
Thanks SS and Sachat.. I'm not sure if it's healing/growth or just utter disappointment in the man I thought I knew.. It's like my blindfold fell off and I can see him for who he is. And he doesn't even deserve a blow up from me.

So last night I had a dream where I spoke to H about OW.. I haven't had a dream about H in a good while so I'm guessing my brain is trying to process the latest events and it manifested in the form of a dream.. In the dream H told me that he left me to be with OW, that he loves her and she's everything he ever wanted... I told him I didn't actually believe it, that he was putting a sticky plaster on a gaping hole and one day he would see that he threw away a life he will wish he still had.. And when that day comes, he will be surprised to realize I'm no longer interested... BOOM!  I know it was just a dream but i felt great when I woke up..

For some reason though, this conversation was happening while we were eating Easter Eggs   :o
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #96 on: June 05, 2019, 05:28:30 AM »
But one day Easter egg chocolate is much much nicer than normal chocolate aha! I understand what you mean about the mask slipping. I think we all feel like that. I could imagine any or my ex’s leaving me. Not Clington. Yet it was Clington that did.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #97 on: June 05, 2019, 11:23:50 AM »
I'm starting to wonder if I got H's crisis all wrong... Up to know, I always thought he was a wallower. Everything pointed to a fantasy OW in a different country, didn't get monster, he didn't really engage in high energy activities like mad spending, crazy going out, he moved in with his parents, pity party etc.. He did drink quite a bit when he was still home and I can only imagine that got worse when he moved in with his parents as the mother drinks daily..

But maybe I confused his low energy behavior with OW withdrawal? According to H, they met in May 2017 in the middle east. She moved away from that country in July so even though H was traveling to the middle east for work, she wasn't there.. Then Aug 2017 I get BD1 and things deteriorate as time goes on... Culminating with him traveling to Asia to see OW, coming back and telling me he was done with the marriage (BD2).. They didn't see each other from March 2018 until H moved abroad and I know they are together now but my snooping before told me she was in a different country up to a few weeks ago.. so again, maybe he was going through withdrawal and eventually he couldn't take it anymore so he moved abroad in the hope she'll join him?

The behavior now does not match with a wallower I think.. Any thoughts? I'm not really monkey braining, I know it sounds like it but I'm not.. I'm just curious!

I'm actually surprised I'm not monkey braining more to be honest.. I nearly have to force myself to think of them together to make sure I'm getting it.. But my brain doesn't seem interested?  It's very weird. I could nearly say that now that I know they are together, I'm relieved?  ???  I think up to this point I felt that maybe if I did x, w and z... if I reached out, if I showed him the door is open.. maybe he needed me to take the first step.. His life seemed far from ideal but his pride could prevent him from speaking out...  Where now I think "Nope, he's firm in la la land, and there's nothing you can do! Move on, nothing to see here"  ::)

« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 11:26:48 AM by One day at a time »
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #98 on: June 05, 2019, 12:00:49 PM »
I totally understand your non monkey braining. I see things, snoop, speak to Clington whatever and I’m like “okay thanks for that info. Bye” and that’s that. Whereas months ago I would have questioned Clingtons tone or voice. It’s all part of the process.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #99 on: June 06, 2019, 12:04:30 AM »
Thanks Sachat.. I'm just surprised that I'm not obsessing over it. When I saw the picture H posted and I put 2 and 2 together my heart sank and I got angry.. But it feels as though my anger was not at them being together, I probably prepared myself for that fact since I heard of her existence 14 months ago but due to the fact he lied so much and made me feel it was all my fault... But the reality is that he "met the love of his life" 2 years ago and he just had to get rid of me without looking like a POS..

It'll be interesting to see what happens now.. He probably has been waiting for 2 years to be with her, he finally gets to live his fantasy.. Maybe they end up staying together, marrying and having the kids he supposedly wanted.. or maybe he crashes and burns.. Since my compassion left for the foreseeable future, I do hope for the latter  ;)

As I was typing this, something a bit weird happened. I heard a bang like something had fallen to the floor upstairs. When I went to check, it was a big wooden letter (H's initial) that someone gave him as a present a while ago. It has been on a book shelf for a while and all of the sudden it decided to fall.. Maybe that was a sign that H is off his pedestal once and for all.  ;D

Off to Spain later today! Sunshine here I come \o/
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #100 on: June 06, 2019, 01:43:57 AM »
As I was typing this, something a bit weird happened. I heard a bang like something had fallen to the floor upstairs. When I went to check, it was a big wooden letter (H's initial) that someone gave him as a present a while ago. It has been on a book shelf for a while and all of the sudden it decided to fall.. Maybe that was a sign that H is off his pedestal once and for all.  ;D

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #101 on: June 06, 2019, 03:15:43 AM »
If your H and his OW last then I will 💩 in my hands and clap. From what I’ve seem on here most relationships fail but not only that it’s one thing having a fantasy life. But to actually live it is totally different.

The initial falling is a soooky thing butbits also a sign.

Enjoy Spain and I hope you get the best tan ever and upload lots of pics looking amazing ha!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #102 on: June 17, 2019, 12:17:32 PM »
Thanks UM and Sachat..

I came back from Spain a few days ago. I had a good time although my friend's kids are a handful!! Not a relaxing or exciting holiday but it was lovely to spend time with my friend who I know for 30 years!!  :o We had endless chats, time at the beach, water sports and many laughs. I had a nice time away and a very busy weekend when I got back with some activities with my friends here. Not sure if that melted my anger or I simply processed it but I don't feel angry anymore. I just feel exhausted!  :P

I would love to say that my time in Spain was a break from thoughts about MLC and H but unfortunately not the case.. I read some threads while I was away but didn't comment as for some reason I felt I had nothing to say, nothing to add... I was quite interested in Shock's sis thread, so much insightful stuff that helped me reflect about my own situation but part of me felt "How does this really help me? This is one person's journey, nothing to do with my H. Knowing more about MLC or other people's experiences doesn't change my reality. H is still gone, my life is still blown up, I still have this hole inside me" It's like a massive wave of hopelessness washed over me and I felt incapable of supporting anyone else.

My friend, as most people in RL, doesn't get MLC.. We talked a lot about what has happened in the last year or so but I left a lot out because I didn't feel she would understand.. And when I got back from holidays I read something in Disillusioned's thread that hit home..

I get so concerned in my own headspace that I live in an MLC fantasy zone where I refuse to accept reality and keep looking for those little MLC signposts instead of just acknowledging that this woman fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else, and she just handled the end of our marriage in a spectacularly poor fashion.  It gets very frustrating.
THIS! Exact same conundrum for me... I just back from spending a week with a friend.. After talking about the situation for a few days she said she feels like I'm still very invested in my relationship with H and that I need to accept he's gone. (She said it in a loving way but the message was essentially that) My first reaction was "She doesn't understand"... but is she wrong? Am I living in a fantasy where I still think there's hope where in reality there is none? Would I be better off cutting down my loses and accept H and I are over forever? How would a conflict avoidant person end the marriage "properly"? What needed to be different for me to see this as a "normal" breakup? His behavior is still out of character but his life has also been blown up (his own decision) and maybe he's just experiencing new things he didn't get to try before?  A lot of headspace used up with these never ending questions  :-[

Treasur as usual (Thanks Treasur!) gave me a lot to think about with her response which was about finding a way to accept BOTH truths rather than an either/or.. And that's the key I think. I have accepted that H is gone and my marriage is over "right now" but not forever... That keeps me stuck because I'm living my life, doing things I enjoy, trying to grow,etc but unconsciously I see this as a temporary thing "while H gets through his crisis"... I don't want to live like this anymore, I don't want to feel my life is about passing time until H decides to get his head out of his fog as UM would say. I want to live a full life, without H if necessary, I'm tired of waiting.. So why is it so difficult for me to accept he's gone forever?

That brings me to another positive of my holiday. My friend introduced me to the Enneagram which describes different personality types and while we all have a bit of everything, we tend to identify more with one of them... I found my type and it has helped me understand why certain things might be so difficult for me.. Like accepting a reality that I don't like, allowing myself to get angry and getting frustrated with my lack of progress.. This has kicked off a process of self discovery which I'm hoping will help with my progress as LBS.. What does my personality type struggle with the most? Acceptance  ::)  I have a lot to learn about myself and in particular, how to truly accept what I cannot change..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #103 on: June 17, 2019, 12:58:46 PM »
Ready posted something really thought-provoking on Morte's thread (he's good at that  :) ) about intention rather than going with the flow. I think most of us, if we are honest, spend a fair time standing while we are working out what on earth happened and how to respond to it. Surviving does seem to pull one back to baby steps, living in the now and a certain amount of going with the flow. I know for a very long time I couldn't see past the end of the week or plan my way out of a paper bag!

Made me wonder though if acceptance has a passive and an active bit. We grit our teeth and struggle with all the painful incomprehensible WTF stuff first to try to reach a point where we CAN accept it has happened and is not magically unhappening. But maybe the next bit of acceptance is about what we DO with the acceptance we have? The active bit about living with intention from where we are looking out? Certainly got me thinking about what my intentions are now that I have survived a time when nothing I wanted was available and I got no vote really.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #104 on: June 18, 2019, 12:26:22 AM »
This is a bit ironic because I was talking to someone else recently about personality types and she also referred to the Enneagram... the Myers=Briggs indicates your personaiity type but the Enneagram tells you what to DO with your type and how to develop other parts which I found interesting....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21339
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #105 on: June 18, 2019, 02:42:17 AM »
One Day and Treasur, two wonderful, thought provoking posts.   :)  Thank you.

Now I have to go look up Enneagram.  Never heard of it before.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21339
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #106 on: June 18, 2019, 03:10:43 AM »
UM, you're going to love this one.

I'm a Peacemaker.  LOL
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #107 on: June 18, 2019, 03:53:24 AM »
Treasur, I'm still in the process of catching up with the threads I follow, Morte's is one of them but I will look for the post from Ready as that's where I seem to be now. So far, I have let "the process" flow, both the MLC and the LBS process.. I take each day as it comes, I try to process my feelings, try to accept what's happening at that particular time but everything is very short term.. And that was OK because I couldn't really deal with anything else but now that I feel stronger, I'm starting to feel like if I continue on this path of "going with the flow", my life will pass me by. I'm not talking about taking rash decisions or change drastically what I'm doing today but as you say, looking at the situation as it stands right now and what I have already accepted and start looking at life long term which will have to be without H as he's gone and will more than likely remain that way.

I have refused to acknowledge he's quite probably gone for good, possibly because it was too painful for me to accept. I have "excused" H for all he's done in my head.. "He's not himself" "He's having a crisis" "He will regret it some day" But so what? What about me? Why do I have to have compassion for him when he seems to have none for me? I'm tired of making excuses for him to myself. Don't get me wrong, when I think of H having a lovely holiday with OW in her home country in Asia when "the real him" hated traveling and heat my head goes WTF???!!!  It's like my brain cannot comprehend how the person I knew for 15 years is behaving like that but he is.. and he might continue to behave like that for the rest of his life because the real him is too stubborn and proud to admit he made a massive mistake. So I need to stop with excuses, MLC or not MLC. It's really not serving me.

I think I had a bit of a wake up call yesterday as well.. I had lunch with a colleague in work who I know has been divorced for 20 years.. She told me before her xH cheated and left her but I didn't really know much more than that.. Yesterday she started talking about the alien in her xH's body, the lies, the betrayal, ILYBINILWY... her xH is still with OW 20 years later.. My colleague never had another relationship, she concentrated in raising her 2 girls. They are now both grown and gone from her house. She told me that the pain and shock never really left her but she learnt to deal with it over the years.. I didn't want to ask a lot as we were in work so I don't know if she chose to remain on her own or she simply never met anyone else but the thoughts of me being on my own for the next 20 years really scared me. From what I gathered she never got closure or an apology from her x so why should I expect anything different? This is the reality that I need to accept but it won't happen unless I take off my rose tinted glasses and decide to see things are they really are.

UM, I only hit the tip of the iceberg for the moment but as I read about my type, my wing, my disintegration and integration, a lot makes sense.. And it gives me some guidelines as to what I need to focus on. Unfortunately all the material I have is not in English, otherwise I would share it here because I feel like I had an aha moment when I discovered it.

Thunder, I'm the reformer :-X  The more I read, the more I think someone studied me and read my mind (because a lot of stuff is internal) and wrote the definition of that type!

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #108 on: June 18, 2019, 04:13:17 AM »
The cognitive dissonance is real, One Day...

Reaching a mental point though when we say 'nope this isn't serving me' is healthy.
It sounds as if the woman you met was almost like an embodiment of your worst fears. A picture of what you don't want to head towards....?

I have a pretty much vanisher who now has a new wife and life. I have little evidence to suggest he is anything other than content with his choice. I expect no explanation or apology from him ever. I simply can't line up the person we all knew for almost 20 years with what he became...or how little he cared about what happened to me. Tried but I can't. So I think of the old one as dead....wouldn't expect an apology or explanation from a dead guy right? I went NC bc I couldn't heal or feel safe while people were cruel and nasty and insane and unreasonable...they wouldn't stop so going NC really was my only sane option. I think of xh as a stranger and I don't look at his life at all. Too busy trying to heal mine. But sometimes I still have an hour or a day when I wonder how on earth the man I married turned into this....how our life and friendship and marriage was worth nothing to him....and it hurts. And it will always feel a bit incomprehensible to me. But they are just feelings....

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that your thoughts are heading in the right direction, that any way you can frame it that helps you is just fine and that there will be days when it is just WTF and surreal....but you learn to surf them and they pass. I HATE the s$it days...really hate them and they are usually triggered by something small...and I HATE that I have to invest emotional effort in withstanding the pull and all the negative thinking that goes with them....but they do pass, don't last as long and it gets easier.

Keep trying to let go of the Why (or find your own shorthand when you do like 'Bc he is bonkers/broken/an MLC alien') and keep pulling your eye back to the What. What happened. What is happening now. What next for you. It isn't easy but it gets easier. (And I say this as someone having a crap day today lol...still easier than it was in the past bc I expect nothing different from my xh than I got, and there is a calm in that.)
« Last Edit: June 18, 2019, 04:38:26 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #109 on: June 19, 2019, 06:45:57 AM »
It sounds as if the woman you met was almost like an embodiment of your worst fears. A picture of what you don't want to head towards....?
100% correct. I respect anyone who says marriage is forever and they won't consider any other relationship due to their religious beliefs, moral code or whatever. I took my marriage very seriously and even my therapist told me that my commitment and loyalty to my H was very evident despite what he put me through.. But he's gone! HE broke the marriage, HE walked away.... And as much I would love for him to come back, I'm not willing to sacrifice the rest of my life "just in case" he does. He will probably be surprised if I start another relationship as I always said that if we ever separated, I wouldn't bother with anyone else as it would be too much effort... These are the kind of things we say when we have no idea what we are talking about because we can't even imagine being in that position.. It's like my very convincing argument that I would never forgive infidelity.... and yet here we are  ::)

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to start dating. I still feel very scared, insecure and doubtful there could be anyone else out there for me. But I know I'm not built to spend the rest of my life alone. I will never be 100% content without a life partner. Looking at my colleague alone for 20 years was probably something I needed to see because it's a possibility for me unless I really wake up from the LBS fog.

I have a pretty much vanisher who now has a new wife and life. I have little evidence to suggest he is anything other than content with his choice. I expect no explanation or apology from him ever. I simply can't line up the person we all knew for almost 20 years with what he became...or how little he cared about what happened to me. Tried but I can't. So I think of the old one as dead....wouldn't expect an apology or explanation from a dead guy right?
H hasn't contacted me in a month which is probably the longest it's been since he left. It could be a coincidence or maybe he knows I know he was with OW and he's hiding like a coward. I know I will have to contact him soon about taxes but I'm putting it in the long finger because right now I simply don't want to talk to him and be civil.
You hit the nail in the head, I think I have been projecting my own feelings of loneliness and sadness on H and thinking he was the same but I have no evidence to support that. Sometimes I feel that reading what MLCers say after the fog has lifted encourages us to hang on because we see these troubled souls suffering and our love and compassion for our "real" spouses goes on overdrive and we continue to focus on them more than ourselves.. Having said that, I think you can't force yourself to detach or really grasp the concept of "leaving them to their crisis" until we reach a particular point in our journey.. And there's no timeline for that, we are all different, different circumstances, etc... Will I ever get an apology? I really don't know, I agree with you, right now the person who cared about me and loved me is dead.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that your thoughts are heading in the right direction, that any way you can frame it that helps you is just fine and that there will be days when it is just WTF and surreal....but you learn to surf them and they pass. I HATE the s$it days...really hate them and they are usually triggered by something small...and I HATE that I have to invest emotional effort in withstanding the pull and all the negative thinking that goes with them....but they do pass, don't last as long and it gets easier.

Keep trying to let go of the Why (or find your own shorthand when you do like 'Bc he is bonkers/broken/an MLC alien') and keep pulling your eye back to the What. What happened. What is happening now. What next for you. It isn't easy but it gets easier. (And I say this as someone having a crap day today lol...still easier than it was in the past bc I expect nothing different from my xh than I got, and there is a calm in that.)
Thanks Treasur, it's reassuring to know that it's normal to have these s$it days still.. Sometimes it feels like the very slow progress I gained goes out of the window on the low days and I get very frustrated with myself (which makes it even worse!) The Why and the What, that's a very good tip. Thinking about the why is such a waste of time!! But we all do that at the beginning and for quite a long time..

I'm very sorry you were having a bad day, I hope today is better. I shall catch up with what's going on with you in your thread. ❤️
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #110 on: June 24, 2019, 08:34:38 AM »
I'm having a rough day today. It started last night for no apparent reason.. I had a busy weekend with friends and stuff around the house. I was feeling fine until I went to bed.. I struggled to go asleep (after yawing all afternoon) and at 1am this sudden wave of sadness overwhelmed me and I ended up sobbing like I haven't done in a while.. It's hard to understand how after nearly 2 years of MLC craziness and 15 months after my H walked, I can still get this low.. It's like nothing makes sense..  WTF happened to my life? Where is my H? Today I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything, even my IC appointment this evening.. how does it actually help? he can't really fix anything... I'm very tired, this is not the life I signed up for.. The fact that NOBODY in RL understands me is also getting to me. What happened to my marriage is old news for everyone but for me, it's the never ending nightmare.

I haven't heard from him at all in a month. He's further than he's even been. I need to contact him to sort out the taxes but the thoughts of getting yet another cold and distant mail like we are merely 2 people who know each other and have some business to sort out stops me in my tracks.. A few days ago I felt so strong, considering my options for the future... And now this? I know I'm having a massive pity party and things will get better but I don't want to hurt anymore. Today these 2 words keep coming to my head "Emotionally unstable", that's me in a nutshell. When does it stop?
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #111 on: June 24, 2019, 09:40:54 AM »
Oh dear girl
It is awful...and you will be ok.
It is normal...and it will pass.
It is disheartening....and kind of necessary
You can't heal what you can't feel. And sometimes we are not quite able to look or feel it all at once, so it pops up when we can. But it can seem like this progress is really a step back. Or that it will never end bc it isn't a straight line or a series of neat steps but more of a spiral.
But it is a spiral up and forward, please believe me. And it will not always feel like it does now. (Although I didn't believe that either...but I was wrong)

I struggled to go asleep...and at 1am this sudden wave of sadness overwhelmed me and I ended up sobbing like I haven't done in a while.. It's hard to understand how after nearly 2 years of MLC craziness and 15 months after my H walked, I can still get this low..
Only bc you think there are rules or you are on a clock.
It is as it is. You are where you are. You feel what you feel. And you keep getting up and have faith that it shifts and fades and you evolve and progress. Time and faith.


It's like nothing makes sense..  WTF happened to my life? Where is my H?
Well, lots of things don't. Or not to you. Or not yet. It wasn't your WTF crisis was it?
WTF happened? Something you don't entirely understand changed your h and he ran away. And you and your life and your heart were collateral damage simply bc he happened to be your h and he broke. Where is he? Elsewhere. Absent. Missing.
Of course it makes no sense. Which is why we teach ourselves to focus on the bits that do. And our own truths.


Today I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything, even my IC appointment this evening.. how does it actually help? he can't really fix anything... I'm very tired, this is not the life I signed up for..
I'm sorry. I get it. Tired, disheartened, see no end in sight, maybe a bit depressed?
The point? The point is you, my friend. And to outlast what you can't fix by investing elsewhere for a while. The point is you. Trust me...there are more chapters to write but you have to stick around to write them. Maybe right now this is a messy draft. In pencil.


The fact that NOBODY in RL understands me is also getting to me. What happened to my marriage is old news for everyone but for me, it's the never ending nightmare.
We get it. I get it. It isn't old news to us. And actually YOUR progress and how you move forward isn't old news but fresh off the printing press isn't it?

A few days ago I felt so strong, considering my options for the future... And now this? I know I'm having a massive pity party and things will get better but I don't want to hurt anymore.
We cycle...and how you felt a few days ago is a reminder that you will cycle back there again too. A short pity party is fine...we all throw them occasionally...but as the drinks are rubbish and the music is gloomy, we tend not to hang there lol. The cycles get shorter and not so deep in my experience and we learn as we cycle. Of course you don't want to hurt anymore. Or be hurt. But you are hurt...and I don't recommend numbness or disassociation as that is just a postponement.  ::)....but trust me, the hurt will not kill you. Feelings are not facts. Today is not forever. It will pass. Like a wave...you can surf it.

Today these 2 words keep coming to my head "Emotionally unstable", that's me in a nutshell. When does it stop?
Well, that could be a good topic for your IC session lol...
Why those words? What do they mean to you?
From over here, Emotional and Unstable Ground....that makes sense....how things are not who you are.
And it stops as the world turns and you grow and time helps you look from safer ground and a little further away. Jmo.
And I am giving free hugs today with every unsolicited opinion  :) xxxx
[/b][/i]
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8508
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #112 on: Today at 03:12:54 AM »
Yep, what Treasur said...

Been there, Done that.... It will pass in time. The main thing it is recognize it for what it is, call it by name, remove the power from it and slog through it. When you reach the other side, it is with yet another layer of self-awareness and understanding
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 870
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #113 on: Today at 07:40:49 AM »
Thanks Treasur. I read your response just before I went into my IC. It stirred up a lot of the emotions and feelings I had which was actually a good thing as I was able to be more honest with my IC during the session. Thanks for your virtual hug, we all know how much that means during hard times.

UM, I do get a bit more understanding after my bad cycles.. I guess that's the silver lining (if we can call it that)


I'm a bit calmer today but still trying to shake off the feeling of sadness.. My IC was good yesterday, I think he finally understood what I have been trying to express for the last few months.. I guess I have become very good at wearing the mask in RL. People who see me probably think I'm doing very well, praise me for how strong I am, etc etc.. and even though I might every now and again say that I have lows from time to time, I very rarely show it.. even to my IC.

But yesterday it was different, I couldn't hide it. I fought my tears all day in work so after reading Treasur's response, I sat at my IC's office and I broke down. My IC got to see that the pain is real, that I'm still very confused and hurt by how my marriage ended. That my head struggles with a lot of unanswered questions which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to accept that my life has changed quite probably forever and it's up to me to move forward and leave the past in the past..

We talked about how this massive rejection has affected my confidence and self esteem. That while a lot of people tell me that I'm attractive, I will find someone else who deserves me, how I could have any man I want (Ironic considering the one I had threw me away like yesterday's newspaper), I simply don't believe it. I feel that those are things that people say to cheer you up but it doesn't necessarily mean it's true.  The fact that my H left me to be with someone 11 years younger really help either.

We briefly talked about the Enneagram, he didn't seem overly enthusiastic about it but I still think that a lot of what I read about my Enneagram type makes sense..  Makes sense how all this MLC he!! affected me, why I'm so hard on myself when I see I'm not where I "should be" and why I act the way I act.. For the moment, I find the Enneagram useful and I will continue to research it and learn.. At least that brings focus to me rather than MLC and H..

I guess the session did give me a bit of strength as today I mailed my solicitor to see if there's any update from H's solicitor about the mortgage transfers.. I'm still waiting for the rental property's mortgage to move under H's sole ownership so I can take over the house's mortgage. These transactions keep me tied to H and at least today, I feel I want to cut ties as much as I possibly can.. Up to now I was "happy" to have reasons for him and I to communicate but I'm not sure this is good for me anymore. Things might be easier for me if I just take him out of my life altogether. I don't know if this will particularly help a potential reconnection/reconciliation but unless I see a change in him, there's no reason for me to do anything that denies the reality that he's gone from my life forever.. Maybe this is one step closer to acceptance.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21339
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #114 on: Today at 09:13:05 AM »
What an awesome post, One Day!

You just took 100 steps towards healing and accepting.  I'm glad your IC saw you "maskless."   :)

Big Hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2183
  • Gender: Male
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #115 on: Today at 10:58:23 AM »
One Day I'm glad you got to let it out at  with your IC. Better there or here, we do understand.
You will get your confidence back. All it will take is a guy on the street, the grocery store, just to give a compliment. It's little things that will build your confidence back to where it was and even stronger.
It's good to open up here and to your IC , but if you have anyone in real life you cd talk too and trust. Try talking.to them too and let them see the real you. How you feel. It may surprise you how much comfort they can give you.
Hang in there One Day.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #116 on: Today at 11:28:57 AM »
I'm glad if your 'sad bad day' in a weird way helped you be honest with yourself and with your IC.
The mask is easier but I truly believe we can't heal what we don't let ourself feel. But it takes courage and you were brave, One Day. This stuff is a primal wound that cuts right to the heart of who we are.
And yes jmo...it is part of the hard work of accepting the unacceptable and finding the right door for us to be able to move forward regardless. You did good.
« Last Edit: Today at 11:30:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.