Author Topic: My Story One day's journey to Acceptance  (Read 1806 times)

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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My Story Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2019, 01:50:16 PM »
The problem is that his mortgage approval has expired. If the bank doesn't get the papers back fast, they might ask him to go through a new approval process.. but he left the country and his old job.. so the bank might not approve him again and then we are both stuck owning the 2 properties for the foreseeable future  >:(
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2019, 02:23:40 AM »
Still waiting to hear back from the solicitor to see what the h3!! happened to the paperwork. They are unreal! I mailed a bit back and forth with my H last night and he doesn't seem to be overly upset but this delay could have us linked with the properties for much longer than we thought... I don't know, maybe this is happening for a reason... What I notice is that he seems determined to do the split of assets so obviously I have no reason to purposely delay matters.. At the end of the day, the longer this goes on, the longer I will be tied up to him (and him to me).. Maybe I'm wrong with my approach but I really want to set him free.. So he gets the chance to experience what he thinks he wants.. and then he can decide for himself if what he says he wants, it's what he actually wants (if you catch my drift!)

One of the things I noticed last night is that I can be a bit more relaxed when I communicate with him. I used to be get very anxious, read my mails or texts a million times before sending.. Always short and to the point and very little else. Where last night I was more relaxed, like the hurt no longer affects the way I want to express.. I even felt a little bit playful and sent a couple of emojis - This is a small thing and it won't affect him but it's a change in my own behavior.. I can be more me with him rather than being clouded by sadness.. it was interesting..

The bad news is that I ended up dreaming about him last night. He was back, we ML for the first time and he told me how much he missed.. Not a picture I needed this morning  :-[ It's as if when i think I'm letting go of him and the hurt, something like this happens and it makes me take a step back... I guess I'll have to let the day wash this memory away...
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2019, 02:30:45 AM »
All you can do with the practical stuff, one day, is your best. Other things and people are not fully in your control, so just keep doing you and let things fall out as they will. After all, none of this situation was made by you so the problems that come from it are not all in your hands either are they?

Glad to hear you can feel a bit different about contact. And the dream? I wonder if our brain fires up some of those attachment memories at the very point when we are beginning to really start to let go of some. Like a residual flurry. It will pass and evolve though...I very rarely dream of my h now and the person I knew has faded in my memory as time and events have pushed me forward.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2019, 03:41:39 AM »
All you can do with the practical stuff, one day, is your best. Other things and people are not fully in your control, so just keep doing you and let things fall out as they will. After all, none of this situation was made by you so the problems that come from it are not all in your hands either are they?

Thanks Treasur. You hit the nail on the head.. I tend to put all the problems in my backpack and carry the weight with me but you are right, this is not something I created and I shouldn't feel responsible for it all.. I tend to forget that
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 09:29:19 AM »
So after some chasing yesterday, my solicitor's secretary confirmed that the paperwork was sent back to H's solicitor and that they were following up with them to double check they haven't received it and if they haven't, they need to send the paperwork again for me to sign... To say this is frustrating it's an understatement!  >:(

I mailed H back yesterday with that update and also to sort of let him know that the ball was in his court (or his solicitor's to be exact) - No response... I chased my solicitor again today to see if there were news.. No news, they tried to ring several times, no response. It feels like I'm the only one that gets agitated over this stuff and I'm tired of it. I give up.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2019, 09:42:56 AM »
Yup, you have done what you can and were required to do.
I give you permission to put that backpack down  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2019, 07:05:54 AM »
Thanks Treasur.. I managed to put the backpack down for a day and then yesterday I got another mail from H and I put it back on.. argh. The tone of his mail didn't seem as good as previous ones so he might be starting to loose his cool.

Essentially he implied my solicitor's secretary was lying when she said she contacted his solicitor on Tue and that she only made contact on Wed. His solicitor said that she "obviously" hadn't received anything so she was issuing all the paperwork again for me to sign and that my solicitor would have it in a day or so.. But with the Easter break my solicitor is not around until Wed..

At a logical level, this is a tiny thing and I know it. Even looking at other people's threads I feel like slapping myself so I get a grip because there are much bigger problems than this. But this OTT reaction for something small is not new to me, I do it all the time actually. I can't stand feeling like something is my fault or that anything even remotely related to me is wrong or can affect someone else negatively.. It's like I expect myself to be perfect and to be able to control everything around me to be perfect as well. Which is nonsense obviously but my reaction is anxiety when I can't control something. If anyone says anything to me, I feel under attack and it's like I HAVE to justify what happened, even if it was completely out of my control but in my head "I should have done better"

It would be probably easy to blame the BDs but I've been like this for many years, I can't even remember when it started. This is probably why the laundry list I got from H affected me so bad and has left so many long lasting effects. And despite everything H did, I still blame myself at some level...

Right now every time I see the mail from H, I get anxious and I think I need to explain. I try to distract myself but the thoughts come back to be my head over and over again. So far I haven't answered and I don't see the point in doing so.. It's ridiculous! I think I'll do some cleaning and tire myself out.  ::)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2019, 07:24:10 AM »
Ok, now I am giving you permission to unpack your own fixer backpack lol  :)
Sounds as if control is important to you...and that you translate it into responsibility rather than controlling others...which sounds like some bit of you even before this felt like you were unsafe...or the world was unsafe. Do you know where that comes from? Or how long it has been around?

My fixer was sort of the same but different. Mine was about being logical. If I could understand something, I could see options. And that made me feel stronger. Actually my need for logic was more bc chaos makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable that I have no good tools so I am trapped and helpless. Hello, death, dementia and MLC....where obviously my old approach was always going to usually be an epic fail. So, with time and a battering, I think I have become more at ease with chaos and learned to use some new tools like faith and intuition.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 07:25:16 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a timeTopic starter

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2019, 10:03:12 AM »
Ok, now I am giving you permission to unpack your own fixer backpack lol  :)
You made me laugh, you are so right!! My fixing obsession is pretty bad, isn't it?

Sounds as if control is important to you...and that you translate it into responsibility rather than controlling others...which sounds like some bit of you even before this felt like you were unsafe...or the world was unsafe. Do you know where that comes from? Or how long it has been around?
I love your hard questions because they make me think.. And right now I'm not sure when it started or why I feel like that but you are absolutely spot on.. My need for control is because somehow, I feel the responsibility of making sure that everything and everyone is well.. And if it isn't, then it's obviously my fault!  ??? 

I could think of many reasons..
- Some FOO issues that are way too long to go into although there was no abuse or anything obvious that would make me feel unsafe.
- A year living with my dad and his partner who pretty much hated me and made my life miserable.. I ended up running to this country to get away. That was quickly followed by...
- A 2 year relationship with a pretty abusive guy when I was in my early 20s.. I actually had a hard time getting out of it and once I managed I felt a massive relief. The guy died a few years ago and I felt NOTHING which is pretty telling in itself

I guess I need to chew on this for a while.. It affects me in all aspects of life so I know I need to get a handle on it.. You would think that with the lack of control of MLC I would have learnt my lesson but I guess I haven't yet!
 
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

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Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2019, 10:18:35 AM »
Ha ha, my friend, you are an amateur compared to some champion fixers on HS  :)
Not sure that fixing is always a terrible skill....we just learn to be clear about why we're doing it and maybe use it a bit more for ourselves!

Chew away....maybe muse on why it matters so much that everything is well? And what 'well' looks like or means? I know I had to think hard about why chaos scared me so much and why being strong mattered so much. Sometimes the good stuff is in embracing the exact opposite isn't it? Like an experimental pendulum so you can figure out your new baseline. Glad the questions were helpful rather than annoying  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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