Author Topic: My Story Abandoned  (Read 505 times)

Offline kalypsoTopic starter

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My Story Abandoned
« on: April 14, 2019, 02:52:47 PM »
Hello! Please excuse my English, I am from a country in southern Europe. I have been reading the forum for about 7 months, since my H left us. This is my story.
I am 40 years old and my H 44. We have been together for 25 years, since I was 15 and he 19. We married in 2006 and then had our D7. We were a great couple and had a harmonious and happy family without problems (or so I thought). From 2017 my H started to disconnect from me and our family, seeking to spend more time alone. He started running (he is thin and always liked sports, but he never worked out systematically). In fact, he started to spend his whole free time and some of our family time running. He frantically started using Fakebook (he had about 50 friends and now has 3500). He avoided spending time with me and our family, he avoided our friends, didn't want to meet parents of our D's school friends but preferred people from his new hobby, who he had known for a very short time. 

At first I thought he was just pressured from daily routine or from his work, so I just let him be. But this situation got out of hand. He spent 1/2 of his time with his new hobby and his new friends and when he was at home he was always on his phone or finding silly excuses to go out (for cigarettes, to the video club, to buy coffee or food etc). One day in January 2018, he was sick and couldn't go to a running race. He stayed silent and moody all day. When I asked in the evening what was wrong, out of the blue he told me that I give him headaches, he thinks of me as his enemy and he only stayed with me for the sake of our child. I was devastated and furious, but I didn't believe him, since we have been together for so long, I have always loved him and I know / knew he loved me. He took it back after a while, but not as convincingly as he should. In a couple of weeks my father passed away, from Alzheimer's and besides his death I had to deal with his wife - my stepmother, who after my father was sick decided she didn't want me in her life. My mother passed away when I was 10 years old. My husband showed some improvement (we went trips as a family for him to run in races) but continued to spend most of his time training and running (or so I thought).

In the summer of 2018 the 3 of us went for holidays. It was the first time in my life that I wanted to return home, half of the time I spent crying. He was distant, he continued to go training, when he had a sprained ankle he blamed me for doing "voodoo" on him, he was always on his phone, which I found he had locked / secured (one day he left me and our daughter in our car waiting for him because he had to go pee, and our D wondered why he didn't go to the restaurant where we were 10 minutes ago and why did he take his mobile with him). I asked him to tell me what was going on, if there is someone else, I called him to consider our family and to stop. As always in the last 2 years, he denied everything.
When we returned, I hired a private investigator who caught him and his OW in her car drinking beers. I found out he was having an affair for about a year (since June 2017?) with a married woman with 4 children. I thought he was going to beg me to forgive him. Instead, he told me that the OW is not our biggest problem. Our biggest problem, according to him, was that "he thought that we (our relationship) had ended" (!!!) and that he didn't know if he can live with me. Well..... After the initial shock, I decided to forgive him and I asked him to stop his affair. He agreed reluctantly, but continued to see her and to behave to me like I was the enemy or the one to blame. I cooked, bought flowers, dressed sexy, begged, cried, pleaded etc. I told my in-laws, who blamed him and called him to stop his nonsense and to return to our family. Nothing. My FIL contacted the OW's H, who cried on the phone and told him this isn't the first time this is happening, but I don't know what to do, I have 4 children. My H was furious about this. Anyway, my H was all the time promising to break it off with the OW and I always found out he was lying.This went on for about a month. On September, at a day he was supposedly going to tell her that it's over between them, he came home and announced to me that he was leaving. I was devastated, and so was our D. He rented a place with the OW and they have been living together since (she also left her husband and her 4 children, which she visits).

My H visits our daughter in our house 3 - 5 times weekly. I have forbidden him to have our D contact with the OW or visit his house. He seems to respect this and hasn't done it, only threats to do it sometimes. Needless to say I still love him and want him. Last month, after 3 months of not asking anything, I asked him if he is happy with his life (it was close to our anniversary). After much pressure, he replied that he wants to live as he lives now, and that it's over between us. I don't know what to do, I know I want him back but not as he is right now. I don't want anyone else, but I don't want to spend my life waiting because I understand he may never come back. Since he told me it's over between us (he never said anything when he left, he just left and I thought / hoped he would realize his stupidity), I have been going out with a guy who his wife left him. I have been clear to him that I am not interested in anything right now, just company. But I don't know if I am wasting my time and my life. So, this is my story so far... 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 04:52:12 AM by Silver »

Offline Anjae

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2019, 03:59:16 PM »
Hello and welcome, kalypso. I am also from a country in Southern Europe and Milly lives in Italy.

Mr J and I spend 20 years together since he was 17 and I was 18. He left 12.5 years ago and is still in MLC.

What you have wrote about your husband and his behaviour is MLC script. You're the enemy, he never loved you, avoiding family time, getting hooked on a hobby, going overboard with Facebook friends and, of course, having an affair he denied. Leaving and having OW/OM is normal for many MLCers.

It is also normal for a MLCer to say it is over, including those who are now reconnecting or reconciled.

Please know it is not you, the marriage or your daughter. It is your husband and his crisis.

I do not know if you are wasting your time and your life. I know that right now your husband is not capable of being a husband to you. Will he ever be? Probably. When? No one knows.

The best you can do is focus on yourself and your daughter. You may want to speak to a lawyer just to know what your options are and it is important to make sure your finances are protectec.

It is good your husband sees your daughter 3-5 times a week. However, you may not be legally allowed to forbid him to have daughter at his house. He is her father and he has the legal right of see her where he lives. You may want to prepare yourself for the day he will want to have daughter going to his house.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Evermore

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2019, 08:04:17 PM »
Hi Kalypso

Our timelines and stories share many similarities. I'm not ready yet to offer anyone going through this any advice as I'm far from sorted myself. But I'll follow your story and share the journey with you. You sound like you're coping OK which is great.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline sachat3

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2019, 04:23:08 AM »
Following along

Nobody can tell you if you are wasting your life. Nobody can give you a timeline or if/when things improve.

My H has been with his Ow a year and as of yet she hasn’t met my kids. Luckily it doesn’t seem H wants her to either
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online OldPilot

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2019, 05:58:52 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2019, 06:36:59 AM »
Welcome Kalypso and I am sorry you had to find us.
Of course all of this comes as a shock and it takes time to accept any of it.
Nobody can tell you if your are wasting your time or life waiting for him. I think you just need to take time to accept what happened and to figure out who you are and what you want.
MLC can take 2 - 7 years. I would suggest to consult a lawyer to make sure he will take care of his daughter financially and to make sure you can stay in your home if that's what you choose to do.
Of course he says you are over, he needs to believe that to justify his affair.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline kalypsoTopic starter

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2019, 02:13:20 PM »
Hello and thank you everyone for your kind replies. I feel really sad about our common pain and trouble, I wish it would all go away, but since it won't I just hope that everything turns out for the best.


Anjae, I am not sure that I cannot forbid him to take our D7 to his house or have her meet the OW, but I think I have chances if it ever goes to court. I am a lawyer, though I don't really do family law. My psychologist told me that it is inappropriate for a child so young to have contact with a parent's new "companion" before 2 years pass from the separation. I have been very clear about this to my H from the start, because a mother (OW) who abandons her own 4 children cannot in any way be considered good influence. Furthermore, the OW has been hospitalized in a psychiatric unit last year for 15 (?) days, as her H told me and as my H admitted. I am not so sure about the cause (my H said she did it on purpose to avoid her H) but in any case it doesn't look good. Additionally, she is in danger of physical violence from her H's relatives. In fact, one night about 4 months ago my H called me allegedly from a police station and told me that her H's brother slapped her and asked me to cut all contact with OW's H. So you realize that I am worried not only about the foul influence but also about my child being in danger of witnessing violent scenes.


Evermore, I see that we have almost the same BD (minus 3 days)! I will also check your story. My H's OW is also 44, same age as he is and 4 years older than me. 


Sachat, at first when my H left, he asked to take our D to his house. I denied and forbid him to do it with vague threats. He has only asked for it again when he gets in monster mode. In our last conversation about this subject, when he was worried that I had / would have our D meet someone new, I told him that this isn't in my plans for the time being, and if it will ever be I will be the one to let him know. He replied that he also doesn't see any reason (for the time being!) for our D to get to know the OW. So, hopefully, he will respect this.


Schratz66, the house where we live is mine, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. Although I am a lawyer I haven't taken any legal action yet. I am currently earning more money than he does, so me and my D have managed without any financial support. But the real reason  (don't know how valid my thoughts were) was that, as he left with no explanation, I thought that I had to let him be, because I didn't want him to return for financial reasons. But now, given that he stated he is enjoying his current way of life and it's over between us, I have decided that I must proceed legally for our D's financial support.

I do not wish to ask for a divorce. I love my H and I want back the old version of him. Is it right for me to do nothing about the divorce and proceed only for our D's financial support?

Thankx again

Offline Anjae

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2019, 03:55:01 PM »
Hi kalypso,

I understand your concerns, but, for now, legally you and your husband are on equal footing - unless in your country there is some law that says that if a parent leaves and has someone else the other parent is entitled to have the kid full time. A judge has not decided your husband is not to see D at his place. 

If one day he happens to want to take daughter to see him at his house, unless he is legally forbid to, he can.

You may want to see a judge to decide the matter and not have any surprises. You're a lawyer, you know that there is a very big difference between what we think/worry about and what the law states.

I do not wish to ask for a divorce. I love my H and I want back the old version of him. Is it right for me to do nothing about the divorce and proceed only for our D's financial support?

You should proceed also for your own financial support/to secure your finances as well as any joint finances and assets that need securing. You do not know how long your husband's crisis will last nor what he will do while in MLC. Is there any way of doing so without divorcing? Legal separation, maybe?

What do you, the lawyer says/thinks about the matter? Remove the fact that you are his wife and love him from the equation, what is the logical, legal thing to do?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline kalypsoTopic starter

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2019, 11:15:53 PM »
Hello dear Anjae,

yes, you are right, as long as there is no court order he could take our D to his house and/or introduce her to the OW. However, last time we talked about it, my H said that he doesn't intend to, at least for now, and we have agreed between us that he won't. If this matter goes to court, I believe I have good chances to forbid him from taking her there, for the reasons mentioned in my post above.


I earn more money than he does and I have no right to be financially supported from him. The house where we live is mine and we don't have any joint accounts or any joint finances/assets. So there is no financial need for me to divorce him. I was wondering about the divorce, because on the one hand I have read that the LBS who wishes for reconciliation should not begin divorce proceedings, and on the other hand that the LBS should not stay passive. So I surely don't want to divorce him, but does me not divorcing him give him the message that I am always waiting for him and thus enabling him to continue his life?

Offline Silver

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Re: Abandoned
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2019, 11:59:25 PM »
Welcome kalypso.

If it is not necessary for some specific reason, LBS's are usually adviced here NOT to be the one that files for divorce. Let him do it if he will, if you are planning to stand for your relationship. His journey and his issues behind MLC, not yours. If you don't want to divorce, don't file. It is a long journey, no one can say how long and when or if they 'return'. Not filing is not a message for accepting his bad choices but the message that you are standing.

Still you HAVE to understand that standing doesn't mean that you will dedicate your life to just waiting for him. Like you may have read here already, standing doesn't mean standing still, that's the advice experienced LBS's often share here.

Let him have his journey, don't file if you don't have to, but don't accept standing still either.  Do things for yourself, and set the boundaries to him that you need to. Aim for the best possible life you can have regardless his choices. You don't even have to decide right now how long you will stand or not, you will know it with time. Most of here are standing, some of us are done, but all of us have been standers at the beginning. Not filing for D yourself gives you the better opportunity to stand, if you will.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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