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Author Topic: My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!

U
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My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!
OP: April 14, 2019, 03:28:02 PM
Well, I thought I was doing to my last chapter.  My ex has taken me down to the road of chaos as life didn’t really turn out the way he thought.  He hasn’t admitted it but he hasn’t been able to do his life very well.  Still playing the blame game because he just can’t look at himself. 

But...everything that was throw at me I was able to walk through.  God protected me.  He didn’t stop it but he kept me afloat. So now it’s me time.

Because of finances I had to move out of the apartment I had for the last 6 years after my ex moved me from 1 state to another.  I tried to hold on to it but it was time to move on, let go and start new.  I did all that while going through bankruptcy. Other then feeling humiliated by it all it turned out not to be to bad.  I just wished my bankruptcy was because of something I did rather than my ex losing his business and messing up his life but it’s done and I survived.

So, just before the move I found out that my full time job was going down to part time.  More chaos, my chaos.  So I panicked thinking I was going to be homeless.  My department found me a job 45 minutes from my home and I didn’t have a good feeling about it.  Placed some resumes out there and found a job within the company I’m working with.  It’s going to be a good fit.  It’s a buck less an hour and not sure how that is going to work for me but it’s close to home and I get to keep my benefits and time off.  I also just had an interview with a grocery store near me for a part time job but I’m sure it’s not going to pay well.  But, I will do what I need to do. 

So, everything is in order.  I still have 1 last thing to nail down.  The 2014 taxes he left me with and then there is nothing more.  He won’t pay me the alimony so there’s no need connecting with him to so I have been no contact for about almost 2 1/2 months.  I think this is the longest.

I’m still unpacking but my place is looking good. It’s not what I had but I can make it my home.

Thanks for reading and keeping me on track.

Here’s to another new thread!!!!

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10241.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9077.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8815.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7875.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7190.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6845.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7337.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6387.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6262.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6190.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6053.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5827.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5692.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5633.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5581.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5462.0
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« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 03:29:47 PM by UnconditionalLove »
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#1: April 15, 2019, 03:29:53 AM
Following along on your new journey, UL.   :)
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#2: April 15, 2019, 04:14:40 AM
Following along
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#3: April 24, 2019, 03:45:19 PM
UL, good luck in the new place. And kudos to you for taking the bull by the horns regarding your job. They say one of the most stressful things in life is a long commute because the traffic is always different and you never get settled with a pattern. It was also brilliant that you get to keep your benefits and time off.  I would have taken a cut in pay too, to achieve all of that.
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trying2bok

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#4: April 26, 2019, 09:26:09 PM
Seems like you're making the new place a lovely home for yourself.  At least its MLC free ;D
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#5: April 30, 2019, 03:10:57 PM
Well hello my people! LOL! 
So, I have gotten moved in.  Now for the occasional tweaking.  I wanted to have everything in place before I start my new job which is Monday so I was able to do that.  The job I have right now I had half a day on friday's off.  I will miss that but I was actually working a part time job anyhow so sometimes I had to go there from 2 to 5.  I just picked up an another new part time job.  A friend started a dog walking, training, groom business and I will be working night remotely at home doing invoices, and other office stuff so. For now finances should be in order.  I will still hold on to my other part time job which will make 3 jobs but I got this.  If my ex would just send me a wee bit of money I wouldn't have to do this but I'm not asking for anything from him.  I won't get it and I don't want to break no contact to hear I won't get it.  I'm going to live on faith! Next week it will be a full 3 months of no contact!  He will never look back!  I honestly think if and when the affair OW thing is over he might just leaving the US and head back to mom and dad's country to hide.  They could use his help and he can look like the good son.  Of course he's in debt and hasn't paid taxes so that would start the whole tax evasion thing.   Who really knows what he will do.

Thanks everyone for the support!  It feels good to be out of the old apartment but it also has made me more alone.  I don't know anyone here and at the other place I did.  So, I feel a little like all I did was make myself more alone. 

Hope you all have a great night!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#6: April 30, 2019, 03:37:21 PM
It will only feel more lonely at first. Then, as you become accustomed to the new place, it will begin to feel like home and comfy. Are you able to take walks around the new neighborhood and possibly meet some people?
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#7: May 01, 2019, 06:47:39 PM
Learning, you are right I’m sure it will get better.  I haven’t gotten out yet because I just moved and wanted to get this packing done before I start my new job on Monday.  I use to have half a day on friday’s Off and now I’m working an 8 to 5 M thru F.  Part time evenings starting soon so I won’t have much time to myself.  I will start getting out here possibly this weekend.

In other news.  The 2014 joint taxes have been hanging over me.  If all goes well because I got disconnected from the IRS person I was talking to tonight.  If she follows through I am going to pay $50 a month for a year on those stupid taxes to get them off my back.  Then they want to raise it in a year.  Any other plan was going to put me in a lien situation with them and I’m tired of being humiliated by MLC’er stupidity.  They wouldn’t place him on a lien just me.  But, the lady I spoke to tonight was great. I prayed and prayed and prayed I would get a good person from the IRS and she was very understand and explain stuff well. I can’t let this go on any more. 

So, that was the last thing I needed to take care of.  I am also going to check into a Tax attorney to see if he knows of other options as well.  But this will buy me time. 

So, there you go!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#8: May 02, 2019, 12:44:25 PM
Sounds like you got the perfect agent to help you with your dilemma. Glad to know the payment plan won't break the bank. I think you are wise to want to consult with an attorney.

I hope the unpacking goes well and you will be out and about dazzling your new neighbors.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#9: May 02, 2019, 03:29:43 PM
Thanks learning!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#10: May 03, 2019, 03:20:46 AM
Hi UL,

I'm glad you got a nice person in the IRS to talk to.  I've been on hold with them for hours sometimes and then get a grouchy agent doesn't help any. 

Hope you absolutely love your new place!  It just takes awhile to make it home.

Big Hug

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#11: May 03, 2019, 12:47:11 PM
Thank  you Thunder.  I think I'm finally dug my way out.  I'm sure I will start enjoy my new place here soon.  Starting to settle in.  New job Monday and off I go! LOL
Hope you have a great weekend!

Big HUGS back!
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#12: May 26, 2019, 08:18:01 PM
Hey, I just thought I would check in.  I just got back from a much needed vacation.  My friend took me on a Disney cruise and it was amazing!  It was so nice to be with someone for 4 days that I have known for a long time.  I rested, played, enjoyed and sunned. LOL!  But, one thing came to mind.  I am single and look I still have opportunities like the ones I would have had married.  Just a few but this last year I flew to Vegas for a conference where I was asked to sing.
I went to Ireland and I just got back from a cruise.  All I have to say is I am blessed!!!!

Feb 7th was the last communication I had with me ex.  It ended with me saying I was moving and him asking me to send him an email with my new address.  I said I didn’t think he needed it because if he was going to send me money he would do it through paypal.  After getting off the phone with him and him telling me all the weird stuff about himself.  I texted this

Hey, if what you said today is true about your life, it makes me sad to know that such a brilliant person I once knew is so lost.  I just wanted to say maybe it’s time to reach out to some people you once knew for help.  there has got to be more for your life.  Something just doesn’t feel healthy.

And then...4 months of silence from me!  I’m kind of proud of that.  It’s the longest silence no contact.   I’m moving forward and done trying to get money. Ill just work my butt of till I can’t.  He’s not going to contact me.  Even if he has a moment that he thinks about it he won’t because money could be brought up.  He’s made his bed and long live there relationship. LOL! 

New job is going ok.  Still learning and I’m honestly tired of learning something new.  I will be learning this job for awhile.  I hope I can learn it all.  Working for actual Drs can be stressful so we’ll see how that goes when I’m finally working on my own. 

Hope you all are enjoying your long weekend!
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#13: May 26, 2019, 09:24:22 PM
What a lovely holiday you had UL, so nice to do normal things for a change.  Sometimes I don't feel as if I've done anything normal for many years.  The activities I used to do with xH are not what I do these days.  i do miss having a man to do stuff with.  I don't miss Xh the way he is, but the way he was before.

Keep on going with the new job, I'm sure it will feel like you've been there years very soon.  I started a new job a few months after BD and have no idea how I wasn't fired as my poor mind was mush ::)
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#14: May 27, 2019, 07:50:14 AM
UL, I am so happy that you are finding that you can still enjoy life. I went to Ireland twice, I went to visit family in Norway, I go to see lots of music concerts, been on cruises, etc. There is life after all this chaos. We just have to be open to see the possibilities instead of lamenting what is no more. Of course, we all find our way in our own time.

We are survivors. And UL, you have a place on my Apocolypse team any time you want it. We know how to get things done! :)
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trying2bok

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#15: May 27, 2019, 01:08:03 PM
UL, I'm so pleased you had a great time on the cruise. Don't worry about feeling you have a ways to go in your new job, that's normal. I bet you'll be doing great in no time. You're an LBS who found HS, you're used to learning lots of stuff very fast. Just give yourself time.

What a ways you've come.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#16: May 27, 2019, 02:24:42 PM
I’m happy for all the blessings you’ve been counting and all the genuine “UL” you’ve been identifying with along the way on this path you didn’t choose for yourself.  You sound great.  Keep singing, keep dancing, and keep cruising!
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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#17: May 27, 2019, 03:48:24 PM
Haha Learning.  I’ll join your Apocolypse team.  I’m honored you would have me.

Thanks Milly. I just feel like I transferred within the company and they are thinking I should have all this down.  But I am getting it slowly.  No one has said anything to me so it must be all good.

Thanks Calling,  I will keep plugging along.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone!
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#18: May 27, 2019, 06:19:12 PM
You sound amazing UL.

Very proud of you going this long with NC.
Yay you!!   ;D
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#19: July 07, 2019, 07:19:43 PM
Well, well he has a JOB! Well kind of.  I know when he did get a job that I would probably be able to find it. He got hired to work Saturday at a chiro franchise clinic.  They did a congrats to him and it showed up on the search and link to FB.  My guess is they hired him for Saturday’s because there are no full time position for him but they are getting ready to open a new clinic close and will be moving people around.  I should be able to track that down and then I will start the whole please send me money thing again but for now.  I’m laying low.

Here is the kicker to this.  I spoke to him in February as I was trying to get a feel about money.  I said you know you should try and get a job with SSSSSS company. And BAM he got hired in May.  He is still taking my lead!  Can someone explain that? LOL! He still follows my lead.  He’s done this a few times while with other woman.  He has to still in some way respect my advice.  Or just can’t come up with anything himself.  Weird.
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God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#20: July 28, 2019, 05:47:43 PM
Just thought I would check in an journal a bit.  I don’t think I’m on the radar here anymore and I understand.  I have been on here now on and off for 5 years.  I can’t believe this has been going on this long.  First week of Aug it will be 6 months and no contact with my MLC’er.  I have pretty much left him behind. 

I have settled in with my new job.  Stressful but I like it. I am learning my weekday part time job and enjoying it.  I now have weekends off because I lost my weekend job.  Not sure how I will survive but I seem to be.

I am going to begin going to counseling.  My church is paying for it.  I mentioned I wanted to go back on and do ministry and they thought it would be good for me to go to counseling because telling my story is going to open up that whole can of worms I have tried to put behind me.  So, I said I would go.  It’s something I can’t afford so it’s an opportunity I should take.

My health isn’t doing so well.  I don’t feel bad but my number are out of whack so I am choosing to make some med changes to see if it help or I will need to do some radioactive stuff and I don’t want to do that yet.  I feel find and don’t want to mess with that no matter what the numbers say. 

In other news my life is so boring.  I hate just making through each day. There is nothing to look forward to.  I miss my old life and can’t seem to find anything in my new life to really enjoy.  So, I have settled into the fact that this is it.  It’s not the worst, not the best just boring. 
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#21: July 28, 2019, 05:55:08 PM
Quote
I miss my old life and can’t seem to find anything in my new life to really enjoy.  So, I have settled into the fact that this is it.  It’s not the worst, not the best just boring.

Many of us feel the same way. You'd think we'd be beyond all that and we do all find different things to do...but I would agree....I miss my old life very very much. I miss him very very much and accept that this is the way things are, grateful for the good that I have in my life.

I hope you get your meds straightened out. That on top of everything else is added stress.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#22: July 28, 2019, 06:17:52 PM
Thank you XYZCF.  I guess how I feel is pretty normal if many others feel the same way.  Stress is what is making my tumors grow.  This last 5 years hasn’t been good for my health but it could have been worst. I’m still here and still kicking pretty well. LOL!

Hope all is well with you!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#23: July 29, 2019, 05:05:51 AM
Here is the kicker to this.  I spoke to him in February as I was trying to get a feel about money.  I said you know you should try and get a job with SSSSSS company. And BAM he got hired in May.  He is still taking my lead!  Can someone explain that? LOL! He still follows my lead.  He’s done this a few times while with other woman.  He has to still in some way respect my advice.  Or just can’t come up with anything himself.  Weird.

He has MLC Fog-Brain..... and couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a map, compass, and a handheld GPS....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#24: July 29, 2019, 05:37:37 AM
Hi UL. nice to hear from you.   :)

I'm really sorry about the tumors, but yes stress can do a lot of damage to our health.  I'm happy to hear you can get some counseling and your church will pay for it.  God bless them.
Weren't there specialist out of state you wanted to see?  Did you ever get there?

I'm glad you are feeling ok.  Are you just on medication for them, or do they recommend any other kind of treatment?  (If you care to share)

UL it's funny, you'd think 5 years is such a long time and you should feel back to normal, but in the grand scheme of things it's really a pretty short time to get back to normal.   Our world gets knocked off kilter with this shock and things change overnight.  It takes a lot of time to get where we want to be.

6 months NC, bravo!  It will keep getting easier, UL. 

Hope you're enjoying your new place?

Big Hug   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#25: August 15, 2019, 04:36:50 AM
Hi UL, it is good to hear from one of the longer timers, I've been here six years and it still feel as if I have some healing to do.  It's the gift that keeps on giving and I think the more ruthless the MLCer is, the longer it takes.  The constant lawyers letters and court appearances kept me engaged for a lot longer than I wanted and now that all the legals are sorted, I finally feel I can do things for me and not have to worry about xH ruining the flow of my life.

I hope your health improves, maybe now you don't have your H constantly at you, things will get better.

My life is sort of boring too. It was boring when I was with xH and I loved it, routine of taking the kids to school, going  to work etc., just what I loved.  Mu life is now limbo and I wish for boring, it was the best!

The difference is life is either boring and a little sad or boring and content and I wish for the contentment again which xH took away from me.

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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#26: August 16, 2019, 06:47:11 PM
Thanks for still reading you all!
Thunder, my cancer is consider rare which means it’s hard to find a MD who actually truly knows what to do.  They knew the basics but they do invest quality time like CE’s to get educated.  That’s why I fly to MD’s who know my illness however the one in my state is wanting me to do an injection of radiation with the isotope that should work on my tumors. However, I am not sure I want to do that right yet.  I have changed my shot medication and getting my first one this weekend.  My MD here doesn’t think it’s worth trying.  My specialist in Colorado says yes it is.  He thinks it’s an easy first step change so I’m going with that.

Savoir, Yes thoughts court days or lawyers I’m glad to have behind me for sure.  Glad they seem to be behind you as well or at least not as often.   
I have been for 5 years.  5 years really of no hope.  I still miss my best friend.  I believe I always well.  I wish I could close that door.  I wish I didn’t believe that somehow we will think back and remember how good it really was.  I wish I could look forward and believe it’s over and there is no way he will ever look back.  He really hasn’t given me one reason to think he will figure out his loss.  I just live day by day.  It’s not bad, it’s just lonely.  But I guess it will get better.  I know it has but I still go back there in my head.  I wish I could beat the thoughts.  Oct will be my 4th anniversary of the divorce.  Crazy

Me too Savoir,  Me too!  Hope you have a great weekend!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#27: August 17, 2019, 12:32:07 PM
UL, sorry to hear about your health. I hope this new shot does what it's supposed to do. Sorry you don't have your weekend job either, but I hope these weekends off will help your health. I'm always surprised how opportunities just seem to turn up. I hope this will happen for you, too.

I'm 5 years in, too, and feeling a bit like you. Life is boring. I miss my partner and companion. Things are much easier than when we were tormented by the regular lawyer's letters and court appearances. Now those things don't seem as stressful as they were in the moment. Glad they're mainly behind me, though.

Yes, getting used to the new normal with not much going on is not easy. I said on another thread, wouldn't it be fun to have an LBS commune where the ones alone could go live together. Independent - LBS living. Stupid dream of mine these days. Or maybe it could become a mini series like Desperate Housewives and we could make lots of money to fund it. Too much time alone, I think, I'm losing it.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#28: August 17, 2019, 05:45:48 PM
Haha Milly Both those ideas could work. Although, I don’t think I want to be called desperate after all we have walked through.  Strong wives? Overcomers? I don’t know but...it would be fun to watch us all.  We probably all have the same personality. We all lead so that would get in the way.  LOL!  I can picture it now. 
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#29: August 18, 2019, 01:35:53 PM
UL, all leaders? Oh that would be a nightmare!! Hahaha! And no longer desperate, you are so right! It needs to be Strong Left Behind Wives! The new reality TV show! They won't know what's hit them!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#30: August 18, 2019, 02:34:55 PM
Hi UL,

  I do watch those desperate housewife show. I mean, what's more exciting then watching someone else's drama. 😜 This new show would only be good if they had hidden cameras in the mlcers house. The fly on the wall as they say.

  On one of the serious, I think the New York one, one of the wives was married to a man in a mlc's. They actually talked about it on the show. She divorced him years ago, well he is now trying to reconnect with her. She tells her friends there is no chance, but you can see it in her eyes that she wants him back. I also think that one of the wives on the orange county group who recently divorced was married to a mlcer. He has the signs. Young girl friend etc... it's fun watching this desperate housewife getting herself stronger and rebuilding her life with her daughters.

  Who knows, maybe these women are members here on HS.

-stand
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#31: August 18, 2019, 04:12:04 PM
Stand Tall, I think I know who you are talking about in New York.  Did realized her husand was in MLC.  I don’t watch it regularly but it’s interesting.  I did see something where he is connecting again. 

Haha Wouldn’t it be interesting if they were getting their information here. LOL!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#32: August 18, 2019, 05:22:49 PM
I have recently gotten into the real housewives of New York and started binge watching while I was in chemo. Please please please tell me which one you think has the ex-husband who was in MLC. Now I will have to go back and rewatch LOL
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#33: August 18, 2019, 05:35:08 PM
Nas,

  It's the little blonde that is always hyper. Her name is Ramona. Some of the gals talked about it during the show. They also asked her if she would ever get back together with him. She said she didn't think so, but that they would always be friends. It's just funny that he has started showing up to the functions that she attends. Not sure what season you are in, but this takes place in the last season.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#34: August 18, 2019, 05:38:17 PM
What? Mario?
I will be watching this in a new light now.

Sorry for the hijack, LOL.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#35: August 18, 2019, 05:54:01 PM
Yup, its Mario.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#36: August 18, 2019, 06:48:33 PM
Yes, I knew it was Ramona and Mario!  I didn’t know however she thought it was a MLC.  Hijack away! LOL
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#37: August 18, 2019, 08:04:40 PM
I was a little surprised when they talked about it on the show. I have also read that Emily's H from the orange county crew is going through a mlc's. There were some of the signs present on tonight's episode. He is starting to stay away from the house more and she looks concerned and frustrated. I hate that I know the feeling.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#38: October 06, 2019, 10:51:19 AM
Sacha now desperately sets these shows to series link for whenever they come to the Uk ha!

How are things no UL?
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#39: October 09, 2019, 06:54:10 PM
Ok, I have been busy!  I think I have made a big head change.  Out of nowhere I made a couple of pour paintings and my first three piece sold the moment I posted them on FB.  And off I went.  If you are FB you can find me on Painted Praize.  Yes with a Z.  I really seems to be my new purpose.  I am repurposing items as well and I feel like my life has been repurpose so...it’s a match. Lol

I did have one contact with the ex.  I wrote him and ask if it was possible for him to send me money for rent.  I was 300 short.  He wrote back and said

Hi XXXX
Which I thought was formal

I have still not gotten a job.  I have second interviews waiting to be scheduled for 4 possible jobs.  I am over my head myself.  Every credit card company has sued me and await the beginning of employment.  Which what I am looking for.  I am doing my utmost to get a job.  If I could help I would.  I will resume with some payment once I get a job.  Sorr wish I could be more helpful.

Anyone want to pick this apart?

Then I wrote back a couple of days later when my need was resolved.

I wrote - God worked it out

He actually wrote back and I found this interesting.

He wrote - Awesome, God always does.

That wasn’t a God always does for you and me and everyone.  That was my ex say...God always works things out for you.  I feel like his coming out of that blur, the fog and seeing how yes God was there when we needed him because I was praying, seeking and try to follow God’s leading.  Yes, there is no doubt that God always does.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#40: October 10, 2019, 12:41:10 AM
Hi UL, just catching up. I just joined your FB page. Your paintings are full of meaning and love. I hope you do really well selling them.

Your H, although not monster, sounds like he's still in victim mode. God (Mummy) only helps you, while he is jobless, moneyless, debtfull, and miseryfull. But hey, he would have helped if he coulda!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#41: October 10, 2019, 01:03:42 AM
hi UL,

Picking apart H's reply? Easy....



Interesting how he assumes that the Credit Card is a source of free money... until it came time to pay the bills...
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#42: October 10, 2019, 07:55:23 AM
Hi UL ~
I found and joined your FB group as well. 
I am so sooo soooooooo excited for you !!! Way to rock a repurposed life  8)

I would agree your H is playing the victim. He’s been in that mode for a very long time now. And there’s really no way to know if he’s being honest.  I think what bothers me most about his response is he’s acting like he can’t “help you out”, when in reality he isn’t paying alimony that he owes you.  He owes you the same way he owes his creditors, but his language reflects that you’re the one he can’t “help out”. I’m speculating that he may also hold on to the excuses, after he does get his job, that he has to pay off his own bills, credit cards, blah, blah, blah... not able to help UL out.

I don’t think you can count on him in the future, but you never know.

Meanwhile, you are rocking a repurposed life like no other I’ve seen and following God’s lead !!
Way to go... very inspiring!

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#43: October 10, 2019, 04:39:04 PM
WOW! Thank you ladies for joining my page!!!! I am really excited about it and I love that I can repurpose things along side of my repurposing myself.  I am so glad that  have met you ladies here and I get to see a face to go along side all the messages.  Really, a month ago I didn't see me doing something like this it just happened.

Milly thank you so much for joining the page and being supportive of that for me.  I really do appreciate how you have been supportive here as well. 
My Midlife I believe will always be the victim.  I don't see him getting out of that mode.  He has however not been monstering for a few years now. I think he is stuck, stuck with this life he created, stuck with a sick younger woman, stuck that he couldn't figure out how to pay his bills, stuck with not having a solid full-time job, stuck in New Hampshire (sounds like a movie) and stuck in life in general.  I do not expect him to pay me.  However, there was a different tone in this email.  He didn't have to say him would after he gets a job.  He did almost rather it was for real or not seem to want to help if he could. LOL!  This is the first time he's actually said something like that.  But, I don't believe he will but that's not going to stop me from reminding him from time to time. But you almost have to laugh as you did Milly if he could help he would have. LOL!  He is so clueless that all of this and I mean all of this was from his decision and all that I'm going through is because of him. LOL! He really doesn't seem to understand that.

Major...yes I know.  He's in over his head but it's because of the decision he made and I believe he will always see himself as a victim.

Calling Heart
I am so glad you found my page!!!! Thank you for all your support and encouragement.  When my MLCer say "awesome, he also does" I took that a bit deeper.  I felt like that was directed to me not everyone as in Awesome UL, God always seems to pull through for you.  AND he does!  I am glad that my Mlcer still remembers that, sees it and acknowledge it.  To me that was a memory statement.  Because God always got US through so much over the years because I always turned to him.  My MLCer remembers that part about me.

Thank you all!  I am in such a good place right now.  It really took a long time to figure out me.  Praying for you all!

Edited to remove a real name - UM
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#44: October 15, 2019, 01:45:53 AM
Just catching up.

I also joined your Facebook page.

Again I agree with everyone. He’s still in victim mode, but he’s the victim to circumstance he created.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#45: October 15, 2019, 02:56:08 AM
I also joined up on FB....
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#46: October 17, 2019, 05:32:26 PM
WOW, thank you all!  I will spend all my life figuring out who is who. LOLOL!  Thanks so much for joining.  I am in awe of how you all are just supposing my new direction.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#47: December 21, 2019, 02:00:43 PM
Merry Christmas everyone!
 I know most of the people that follow this thread isn’t either here anymore or just got bored with it. LOL!  I’m bored with it myself but it’s still a journal even if it’s only when I do get here. Not much is happening on the MLCer side but there is a couple of things.  I will write about me first. LOL!  Imagine that!

As some of you know and who have joined my FB business page I started a small painting business out of know where.  That’s going well and people seem to be supporting it.  Now, that I have most of the needed supplies bought maybe I’ll make a little more money from it and give a little more money to my fund to help women over 50 who have been abandoned.  I really enjoy doing this and it keeps me busy and my mind from wondering. I’m still struggling financially but always get everything paid just in time.  I hate living that way.  It stinks. I can’t remember if I wrote that in October I was $300 short on my rent and emailed you know who only to be told he would help if he could but couldn’t.  The money came in through some friends so it was covered.  I sent ex and email back saying God stepped in, it’s covered.  He wrote back Awesome, he always does.  I didn’t take that as he always does for everyone.  I told that as ex saying he also does for you.  Because Yeah, God always does for me. LOL!

Anyhow,  this week has been awful.  To start out.  Both of my 2 best friends up north are in the middle of a very tragic accident that took the life of one of the couples daughter in law who I knew very well.  She was working with my other best friends and was running a power washer in a new home build cleaning in the garage and was over taken by fumes and died.  My one friend, my ex’s best friend found her and that will be forever in his head.  She was also working for him and I don’t know that he will every move past filling like it was his fault. The other family are just so beside themselves and I can’t be there for anyone.  I hate that! She was young with 2 kids and a husband.

So, Monday I was crying.  Both men the one who found her and the one that is her father in law is my ex’s best friends as well.  I called my ex crying and left a message on his phone.  Weird it wasn’t all filled up. I said,  There has been an accident and xxxx was killed working for friend and explained what happened.  I said, if there is any good in you left now if the time for you to be there for these friends.  At one time they met something to you and they both need you know. Bye. About 10 minutes later he messaged me and said - Thank you for letting me know.  I don’t know if he called by I’m guessing he probably texted both of them.

Two nights ago my ex’s cousin who lives in other country looked my up again on FB.  Seems he also keeps me updated at Christmas to let me know if ex is going home for the holiday’s.  He has everything year since the divorce.  Well, this year he’s going but SHE is not going with him.  I don’t know what that means.  Who spends the holidays without their loved one?  We never did that.  Funny how he has money to buy these airline tickets for $900 but can’t help me out.  Maybe he just didn’t have enough money to buy 2 tickets but it’s still weird. Why does he keep going home every Christmas?  I’m almost sure that’s where his MLC issues stem from.  I know he’s dad isn’t doing well but if you can come up with 1 ticket you would think she could or he could get that second ticket bought.  Leaving her behind seems strange.  But, maybe she’s not doing well with her Lupus.  Maybe it doesn’t mean another at all. 

Seems every Christina’s for me is the same.  I keep thinking maybe this is the year he will maybe send something to apologize for all the stuff he left me with holding the bag.  He had a chance to help me but he is still saying he doesn’t have a job.  He has some money coming in or I’m almost sure he would be living in the same house as her.  He still has his business and there isn’t much money coming in from that but there is some.  He did work 1 day a week for a person but my brother found out he wasn’t there anymore.  My guess he quit.

I still have my full time job and I’m doing my art.  I will be working about 12 hours for a lady making calls after the holiday.  So, hopefully I will be ok financially.   Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas.  Now, I’m off to make some cookies.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#48: January 25, 2020, 07:09:15 PM
No one’s reading this thread anymore.  I’m just journaling but

Just like that....MLCer is now back in my STATE!  Yep just found out.  He told me tonight via text.  Been here about 4 months I believe.  6 years later I guess the affair is over.  Haven’t been told that yet though.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#49: January 25, 2020, 08:05:28 PM
Hi unconditional,

  Your paintings are beautiful and you deserve your success. I'm not sure if you are standing, but how exciting with the news from your H. Hope you get what you want with that which ever way you choose.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#50: January 26, 2020, 05:49:41 AM
Aw, thank you Stand Tall!  I’m learning and growing and every changing with the art.  I love it and love my purpose for it and God has a plan for it.  Thank you so much!  Glad you are on my page. 

I don’t know if I am or not.  I have been in prayer the whole time for him.  I was freaked out about that information he shared but I’m kind of over that now.  All of this journey is in God’s hands.  It’s been 6 years.  I’m not who I use to be and neither is he.  He has the ex girlfriend written all over him.  He became her.  He is nowhere near through with his journey and is still healing.  He did admit he has been depressed.  So,  we’ll see where he goes from there. For me...I now will remain quiet unless spoken too.  LOL!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#51: January 26, 2020, 01:24:50 PM
Hi UL, I'm so pleased you came on to update us all about the latest from your H. This is quite a change for him. Do tell us, whether you are standing or not. We are always fascinated to hear about the MLCer's journey. We are on the same time line so I can just imagine how surprised you must have been to hear this latest news from your H. Once we get to almost 6 years in, we kind of resign ourselves to the fact that our MLCer is gone, chosen his new life, his OW. So when there are changes of this kind, it really comes as a surprise.

I love your jewelry as you know. I just bought a very pretty piece. Can't wait to wear it.xxx
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#52: January 26, 2020, 02:29:33 PM
Thanks so much Milly!  I hope the necklace gets to you.  First international sell!  Thanks for being supportive.  Big chance for me as a couple of you might know if I started a little business in Sept and yesterday signed a lease agreement in a  artsy retail store to sell my art.  The lady was so kind to not only keep the month fee down for me but is allowing me to use her shelving and stuff to make my little booth area pretty.  I go in next Saturday to set it up.  I can't see how excited I am.  My FB page keeps me busy as I get a lot of my sell from my FB page.  I post they buy. LOL!  I know this is God's way of answering some prayer I needed to hear.

But with every good moment something will come along to throw everything in the water for a moment.  Here is how I found out what I know.

I found that MLCer go a 4th degree blackbelt which means he had to go to California to do that and there is a lot of expense to that plus I know he went to home country for Christmas.  I sent him a text on Friday that said

ME -How is it you say you have 4 heart conditions but got your 4th degree blackbelt?  I THINK you are lying about your finances.  Court is going to cost you.  You are not compliant on anything and you will have to pay my court fees.

HIM - What are you talking about?  I am working on pure commission trying to build from scratch.  I made $4000 in 3 months. No XXXX business ( His business that I ran)  Sorry not lying just plain broke.  I have all kind of lawsuits from credit cards.  IRS about to garnish the few $1 I make.

Me - Are you selling?  I really meant to write selling cars

Him - Maybe I should try selling. It wouldn't hurt so much

Me - I get you are having issues.  But you chose this life and you signed an agreement that I haven't held you to.  I'm just trying tomato my rent.  You have to pay something  Are you working with XXX clinic?

HIM - no I worked one day a week for them in other state name for 5 months.

Me - Yes, I knew that.


OK so this is where I started thinking -  no one writes (for them in other state name) unless you are not in other state name anymore.

Him - I can't even afford rent.  I am living in a basement room the clinic owns

Me - WHAT?

Me- Hey

Me Can I ask a couple of questions?

NOTHING FORM HIM

ME - Are you not in other state name?

Him- nope

After that I lost him.  I did type some other questions

wow where are you now if you don't mind me asking?

how long have you not been in Other state name.  Are you somewhere warm LOL?

Are you in another state name?

Looking you're not going to be able to hid where you are LOL

I am 100% sure that you have been depressed also Praying for you.

So,  I didn't think he would probably answer me. I called a couple of friends and said  I have a bad feeling. I think he's in my state again.  They said no he wouldn't do that.  I said yes he would.  It's a state he as a license in. 

Crickets

Then Saturday at 6:12 for no reason I get this text

HIM - Sorry phone died.  Thanks for praying  East state ( my side on the east side)  Yes I was depressed

I have to be honest I freaked out!  It was kind of nice not having to think about running into him.  My state is big but still.  He brought me down here and then left me here and now he's back.

I wrote back - um, I don't even know what to say.  Other than I had a feeling.  I hate my premonitions.  Are you still depressed? 

And no response.

So that is how I found out what I know.

But today I got to thinking.  I don't know what the boards do if you need a new licenses in a state you haven't worked in.  Do they do credit check? Background check? ect?  If so they probably didn't want to have them do that.  Although he really hasn't been on top of stuff like that.  I don't know if he would think of it.  My guess is he has been down here for a little of 3 months.  I think he clear wanted me to know he was down here but waited to respond.  He answered those questions when I asked him.

He is not trying to seek me out.  I don't think he's here because I am. At least I don't think he is.  I don't know why he is here so it's hard to gauge what to do.  I did get some advice from Milly that I am following.

I am not going to talk money because he's not going to send any and I am going to be supportive if he messages me but I don't look for him to do that.  I will not be messaging him from now on.

I am assuming him and OW are not together and he's living in the room or whatever by himself.  Good time for him to think.  I didn't ask him any questions about that but I think by his answers he is kind of letting me know that is the case.  I don't know if he got kicked out or he used the job to leave her.  If he left her it won't hurt as much.  I was kind of hoping she would let him go rather than him letting her go.  But he was in a depression and probably still is.  He is making progress.  Now he just needs to get his life together and he's at a place where that can now happen.

So, there you have it.  I don't know what to think of any of this.  It caught me off guard.  It's so weird to find out over night that a person is back in a state where they don't really have any connections but came back here anyhow.  GOOD new for me is...he's back in the state the divorce was filed. Now I could take him to court and it would be in the same state where the ruling was.  I was told that he wouldn't have to come back down to go to court that it could be in the state he was at.  My fear of that was nothing would have stood ground because it was a more liberal state.  Now I don't have to worry about that.  Why he would come back to this state is kind of mind boggling for me. LOL


Thanks!  After 6 years there could be movement!  You tell me! :)
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#53: January 26, 2020, 02:57:27 PM
  Well, he made contact. Touch and go? Maybe. Guess time will tell were it goes from here. Put it in the back of your mind and think about it if he contacts again.

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#54: February 08, 2020, 03:46:06 PM
Stand Tall, no he didn’t make contact I did by contacting him about money.  He did tell me things but I don’t think that’s a touch and go.

I found out where he is located.  It took awhile but I was able to track it do.  When he said East of the state I didn’t believe him.  I was guessing east of the BIG city near me and that’s where he is.  He’s about an hour and a half other side of big city.  Crazy that he’s here but there are several reason why he would be. One being to get a license right now for him would take a background check and he’s probably trying to avoid that also he probably doesn’t have the money to get another license in another state.   

I want to post this just to add to the journey.
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#55: February 16, 2020, 05:03:56 PM
UL.

Is this the thread you are looking for?
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#56: February 16, 2020, 05:54:33 PM
Hi Thunder,
This is my thread.  It’s been kind of dead.  Did you read my question is this what you are posting about?  I was looking for threads or resources that talk about After the Affair.  MY ex moved back to where I am.  I’m assuming the affair is over and I’m like now what?  I wanted to read up about what goes on in their mind after they affair has ended . I’m assuming I stay low and no contact but was just wanting some advice. 
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#57: February 17, 2020, 02:15:59 AM
Hi UL

There really isn't any good articles about what happens after the alienator is gone, that I could find, but I think you need to remember ow was just a symptom of his crisis, not the cause.  She could be gone, yet still in his crisis, because it was never about her.

Also when they do eventually leave the ow, sometimes they go into a withdrawal depression for some time.  They have to work themselves through it.

I guess I would just leave him be and let him sort his head out.
We never know how things will end up after the alienator is gone.  Sometimes they work themselves back to the LBS, sometimes they find another alienator or they just decide they don't want to come back.  It depends on if their crisis is over or not and if they've done the inner work they need to do.

You just keep concentrating on your life moving forward, UL.  Try to keep expectations low.  You know the drill.   ::)

Hugs
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#58: February 17, 2020, 09:56:20 AM
Hi Thunder,
Thanks, I am leaving him be.  I'm preety sure he is here because he already had a licence here.  Not because I'm here. No is the prefect time to let him bake.  I know the affair was just part of and the cause.  I just thought there would be more info on it but really there is probably not much to say about it other than him working through it or not.  Me,  I am movng forward for sure. 
Thanks a bunch!
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#59: July 03, 2020, 01:18:10 PM
Hi everyone,
I have been quiet, busy and although feel healthy scan’s say not to much.  Also my blood levels should be around 59 and they triple every time I get bloodwork done.  I am now up to 4400 which is out of control.  So, it looks like I will need a treatment like radiation injected in me over months starting here soon.  Not looking forward to that.

Anyhow, I have a questions and I know I am not to read to much into things but...husband is now in the state he left me in.  I have contacted him ever so often and then I don’t contact him.  He seems to be in stage 4 roasting.  Where he moved he doesn’t know many people,  and doesn’t have a TV so at night he’s pretty much alone and alone is probably a good thing right now for him.  Every so often I have texted him things like
Hey remember when we took that cruise with x and z and that island we went to.  That was the best time.
He will text back.  Yes, I do remember, they don’t stop there anymore but it was a cool trip though.

A couple of nights ago a Facebook memory came up.  I dread those when they are about MlCer.  But for some reason I cut and pasted it and sent it to him
I said oh FB is really driving me crazy with these past memories.  Then sent the pic of the post.
The FB post just said
I’m sitting at the airport with my hubby and just wanted to say I love him so much.  We are so good together.  I know that I don’t say that as much as I should.

He texted back
Sorry

I don’t know where that went in his head but I didn’t expect him to texted back sorry.  I did not text him back just left it alone.  I will not text him now for a really long time.

Any comments?

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#60: July 04, 2020, 02:49:47 AM
Hi UL, sorry your health is not great. Hope the treatments don't pull you down too much. Sending you strength and determination to get through them as easily as possible.

Regarding your H answering sorry to your FB memory, it's hard to say what was going through his head. It could be he is saying sorry for not having said he loved you often enough. It could be he's projecting and it's the sorry you should be saying. I would leave him be. It's interesting he's back in your state, broke, living in a very spartan manner. I would give him space to really see where he's at. You've shown him that you are kind and loving, he knows that. Let him figure out his miserable life. Let him reach out to you first. That would be my advice.
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#61: July 04, 2020, 07:04:11 AM
Thanks Milly for responding!  I really appreciate it. Yeah, I know about his head spave.  Who knows.  Lol.  I teally didn't expect him to respond back.  There was no question for him to do so. I was surprised by the sorry from him as that just isn't a word he uses. lol.  He is in stage 4  as I can tell.  He followed the steps in order and is following the 7 year time line.  But...now going through the hardest part because pride and stubbornness is his weakest area and to finish he will have to let go of those.
Yes,  I have left him with good memories.  Now it's time for me to no contact.  He hasn't at any time reached out to me.  I wanted to leave everything on good remembrances.  I can now let go.   Hope all is well with you!!!
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#62: July 09, 2020, 01:45:30 AM
Sorry to hear about your health.

It’s so strange that they can say sorry but not elaborate on what they are sorry for? 🤷🏽‍♀️
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#63: July 10, 2020, 11:34:18 PM
Sachat, lol yes. He's probably thinking it covers everything he's ever done
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#64: September 08, 2020, 11:52:04 PM
Just catching up with your thread UL!

Interesting he has actually replied to you!  I have been here for seven - yes 7!!!!!! years and still don't get even a smidgen of a reply from xH.

I am over worrying about what he's doing now, he deserves the horrible life he's built and to be honest, I am too 'evolved' to be bothered.
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#65: September 18, 2020, 04:54:04 PM
7 years Savoir Faire WOW sorry that he doesn’t reply! 
OK, I have a new update. I am 2 years out from my bankruptcy and I have been pre approved to look for a place.  I can’t believe I am now at that place I thought would never happen.  I am so excited to see my life coming together.
I am taking the money out of the IRA I have from ex.  I am also paying off the taxes that ex owes because I do not want to be glued to him any long.  I have already taken the money and can’t wait to pay off the taxes.

So here’s the new stuff
I can’t ex today. He had to call me back.  He’s definately at a different place.  I called to let him know I was paying off the 2014 taxes.
He was quiet.
I said this is the last straw that has been over me and I need this off my plate.  Also, I need you to start paying me something.  I don’t want to go to court, I don’t want to humiliate you at work with papers and I don’t want  to have you put in jail for all the  things you have not done.  I want us to work this out .  And you will not believe what he said first time he has said anything like this
Yeah, I am at a place I can now send you money. It’s been hard to grow a business and then Covid came but I can said money.  I said can you also pay me back the taxes money too?  he said he could over time.  Asked me the amount.  He asked if I have a paypal.  I said yes, paypal, Venmo, cash app and Zelle. He said lol I can only work paypal.   

I told him I had radiation treatment  this week and he asked me a little about that.  When we got off the phone he said. Sorry about all the stuff you had to go through.
I starting crying and tried to no let him know but couldn’t get the word bye out. 

He’s using sentences now in his sorry.  He really doesn’t know what he put me through.  Sorry right now isn’t the kind of sorry I need but he’s getting closer and closer to understanding. 

He has never said that he would help.  It’s always I don’t have the money this conversation was different.  He is understanding he has a responsibility.  I don’t think they were just word.  Time will tell. He said he gets paid once a month so I’ll know when the money will actually come in. LOL!  I gave him before Christmas.

I think he’s waking up.
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#66: September 18, 2020, 06:42:43 PM
UL I'm so glad to hear he is finally going to start paying you.
Just keep those expectations LOW though until you see some action on his part.

I hope your radiation treatments do the trick.  Please let us know!
You have been through so much my friend.  I pray you get a good outcome from this.

{{Big Hug}}
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#67: September 18, 2020, 06:59:26 PM
Thanks Thunder,
Yeah expectations are low.  I think I was just more intrigued by the change of answers.  We’ll see what comes of any of this but for awhile he has been straight forward with me.
I do have a theory and it’s just that.  I think the money has been a block for him.  Like a burden.  So how he needed to get this off his plate to more forward.  I don’t think he can mend anything till he got that off his plate.  Again, just a theory.
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#68: September 19, 2020, 01:49:36 AM
Hi UL, as Thunder said, hoping the radiation does its job through and through.

Regarding your H, yes, there is a change. Sounds like he is making progress through his crisis and is starting to think about what he did to you. He's aware of it, maybe always was, but now he can admit it. I agree with you that money is a big part of the crisis for many MLCers. It is for mine. I don't think my H can make progress in his crisis until he starts to sort out his finances and bcomes financially responsible. I feel it's part of growing up. I'm pleased for you that he wants to pay you something, I hope he comes through with it. It sure helps us to have some money. x
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#69: September 19, 2020, 07:29:42 AM
Thanks Milly, 
I hope he comes through as well.  It would make a world of difference.  Whatever he comes up with will be a help.  He probably wouldn’t have done it on his own but he was fast and ready to talk about it when it was brought up.  I was shocked.  I should him I have a must amount of trust in him.  I didn’t give him an amount just told him I need something.  So we will see what he comes up with.  I didn’t get a “I’m sorry for what I put you through”. Like but I did get a sentence “Sorry for everything you have had to go through”. So, I don’t know if he’s claim any responsibility yet but it’s been than a text in a conversation that just says sorry.  So I know he’s moving forward.  Maybe he’s learn the words I’m I’ve here soon. LOL.  Anyhow, this is really kind of unique so we’ll see if he come through.  Most guys do just start sending over money after 5 years when asked.  But, I have always stuck by most of what he did was out of lack of knowledge.  He doesn’t know how to do the money side of anything.  That was all me in our marriage.  When he didn’t have money he just shut down.  He couldn’t look at anything and figure out his next step.  Doesn’t make it right what he did but he wasn’t a get even, get her back kind of guy. But...the money isn’t going to wipe out what he did.  Nope, it will just make my life a bit smoother.  Here’s to hoping!
Thanks again everyone!
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#70: September 26, 2020, 06:51:05 PM
Journaling coming close to closing this past.
Today I paid online the 2014 taxes that were our last joint taxes he was supposed to pay.  I took the money out of my IRA and got rid of the last connection that was over my head.  I had to pay a lot of taxes to draw the money out but it’s done.  I am proud to be out from under everything now.

Update on the townhouse I was going to by.  Turns out a CAIVRS stop came up on a search.  That’s when you owe money to some gov agency like Small business loan, which we did. I was able to write it off in my bankrupcy but it stopped me from getting any other gov loan like a FHA.  Yeh for me! So, I won’t be able to get a gov loan because of his default and pushing me to bankruptcy but it’s ok.  Turns out the townhouse has bad toxic drywall from china.  Long story!  So, I won’t be buying anything anytime soon. But it’s ok.

Thanks to everyone that does read.  It’s kind of gearing down now.  Not much happening after 6 years but I do like to journal it so I have it all in one place.
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#71: September 27, 2020, 01:44:54 AM
I know what you mean about liking to journal. I feel when I journal it helps clear things in my own head.

It sounds like you not being able to get the gov loan thing for the town house was actually a blessing in disguise!
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#72: September 27, 2020, 09:24:33 AM
Hello,

Sorry to hear about the loan and the townhouse, but it looks like you dodged a real bad investment. I am sorry that your H's financial actions have done so much to you. My ex almost took me down the same path. Now I am almost fully recovered except I will have to work an extra three years past my expected retirement date to make that up. So MLC can still haunt you years down the road.

The nice thing is that just like MLC, bad financial history disappears with time. Keep journaling and when the time is right, you will have that special place that you can call your home.

(((((Hugs))))

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#73: September 27, 2020, 03:41:06 PM
UL, I agree with everything Ready and Sachat said. Although I wish you didn't have to waste your money paying off your irresponsible MLCer's debts from 2014, I'm glad in a way that the debt appeared so that you did not rush into a purchase that might have caused you much more trouble related to your H and his dealings. I am in a similar boat to you: 6 years later, still paying for stuff that my H should have contributed to, not being able to buy what I need because of it. I admire you paying off those 2014 taxes and just saying enough of the tie. You make me want to do the same. These MLCers are leaky buckets with chains. They will sink us if we allow them to. I wish to do the same as you have done, life within my own means without my H's contribution, even if that means living in a small apartment and not the kind of house I would have desired. I'm beginning to realize how much there is to gain by living in peace, as opposed to living in an ideal house but having it come with strings I can't control.

I hope this decision to clean up these 2014 taxes (which are not really yours to pay), will give you a clean slate on which to begin a MLC trouble free life.
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#74: September 27, 2020, 04:20:35 PM
Thank you Sachet, Ready and Milly.  I did pay off the 2014 taxes yesterday.  I had money taken out of my IRA.  Of course I also had to get enough out to pay the taxes on the money a drew out so another $2000 that was wasted but I’m done with it.
Milly you are right.  Peace is what I thrive for now.  I don’t really care about where I live as long as I’m in a half away decent place and don’t have to worry about what is going on around me.  Even when I was married none of that really matter.  My ex wanted this grand house that was too big for us and the taxes on it was awful.  I didn’t need that.  I’m glad to have the clean slate on the taxes.  It will actually bring me money in as now when I file taxes I will actually get the taxes refunded to me rather than going into the 2014 pit.   

Milly, I’m sorry you aren’t getting help with your financial stuff.  It’s so weird to me how man are suppose to be leaders but as they grow older they bale on their responsibilities.  Some day both you and I will get what is coming to us or we’ll just enjoy what we have and the peace that goes along with it.  I do want to give you hope through.  I know my ex hasn’t paid yet but there is the possibility he might.  It’s the first time his said he would which means he’s in a different place.  He seems to be following the 7 years stretch.   You MLCer might be on his way as well.  Here’s to praying he gets his life together enough to come through with some of his responsibility.  I’m praying for that.
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#75: September 28, 2020, 03:22:02 AM
Hi UL,

Sounds like what xW1 nearly pulled with me too... I took 30K of debt, she bought me out of our house for 1$ (which at least freed my VA entitlement) and then ended up declaring bankruptcy when it was discovered that the builders had used substandard plywood in all the roofs in the area....
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#76: October 10, 2020, 03:38:21 PM
WOW, UrSAMajor!  In this case I’m the one that did the bankrucpy first.  He can’t till he get caught up on taxes he hasn’t done since the divorce.  I just freed him of 2014 but that still leave him with his 15,16,17,18,19 and now 20 before he can claim bankruptcy.  Total mess!  But....CONGRATULATIONS TO ME I am now down with the last joint taxes we had together which he was suppose to pay.  I have them paid off!  No more connection with anything that has to do with him now.   YEH!!!!!!
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God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/paintedpraize

s
  • *****
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  • Posts: 1591
  • Gender: Female
Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#77: October 11, 2020, 01:18:39 AM
That’s certainly worth celebrating
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

M
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  • Gender: Female
Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#78: October 11, 2020, 05:34:37 AM
UL, that is certainly a huge burden less. Well done. One giant step away from the MLCer and the mess they bring with them.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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