Author Topic: My Story The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer  (Read 1538 times)

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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If someone could link my posts, I would appreciate it.  Thank you!

Journaling and very whiny today :(

I stayed home from work today.  I NEVER miss work.  My brain is swirling this morning.  Specifically, what do I need to do to feel better and move on?  Why am I stuck on my idea of family -- which is that we are all together?  I can't predict the future, but it is now 1 year out from the D, and I have not seen him in about a year and a half.  I have not spoken to him in 6 months.  It is UNLIKELY that he is coming home.  He doesn't even consider me to be home anymore.  He is with OW and has been for years, so why am I spinning?  Why still so much pain?  It can't be about him anymore -- can it?  Can I still be grieving after all this time?  The first night I slept alone without him, I woke up with what I call a burning belly.  That was January 31, 2015.  It is 4 yrs later, and I still wake up every morning with the same pain in my belly.  There is nothing medically wrong.  It is emotional pain.  How can it be that my brain still has not processed that I sleep alone AFTER 4 years.  I want to get past what happened.  I am not a victim.  I am a smart woman with a ton of great things in my life that is capable of creating a new world and a new relationship.  But I am so stuck.  This is my brain this morning.  I am not being hard on myself.  I get we all have a different path and for me it has been slow -- but good grief --I need a life.  I said yesterday, that it starts with my health because I have been having difficulty with anxiety and depression following the D.  Treasur suggested EDMR which I am researching.  At this point, it probably is the only thing I have not tried.  I have acupuncture tomorrow night.  I don't think it works for me, but I like going so I think of it as more of a massage/therapy session.  Even though I stayed home today, I do plan to crawl out of bed and go to the gym at some point.  I am committed to staying on plan even if I am hiding from the world today. 

Previous Thread:https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9994
« Last Edit: April 26, 2019, 04:46:13 AM by UrsaMajor »
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline in it

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2019, 07:12:17 AM »
 SS
It's a stay at home mental health care day. :)
Have you seen a GP or had a check up lately?
And a quick look online did reveal physical symptoms of greif.
Maybe reading about that will help you feel better.
I'm so sorry you are so stuck..something kind for you maybe?.Warm bath, soft blanket ?.

« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 07:27:52 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2019, 07:53:48 AM »
People ask me all the time how I know this is MLC and not just a normal breakup. My answer is a normal breakup wouldn’t have this affect on me. That’s why it’s so hard for us to get over because it’s not a normal breakup. There is no time limit on grief my dear. Some heal quicker than others. Some take longer. The fact remains we have all been through something traumatic and that changes us. You sound like you needed a day at home. It’s not the end or the world. A day to do your own thing is vital!

Wishing you well
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 07:56:20 AM »
If it helps, shining, my 'good grief, why am I still here/feeling like this' moment was last autumn. Turned out to be a very positive shift and - even if I didn't know what to do entirely - that sense of frustration gave me some impetus so turned out to be a good thing.
I hope you have been kind and loving to yourself today. Lick your wounds a bit, that's ok, and then you can figure out a next step. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 09:10:47 AM »
In, Sachat3, and Treasure,  Thank you for the encouragement and kind words. 

In: I did get a check up last fall and was told I am healthy.  I think it is still anxiety and grief that causes the pain.  It is very stubborn and doesn't want to lift.

Treasur:  I would love for it to be my positive shift day.  Fingers crossed, I am processing all the yuk out of me today.
 
It is a fitful day for sure.  Reminds me of when he first moved out.  That despair we have all felt - hurts.  I got up and made a cup of Holy Basil tea.  I bought some after reading about it.  A fix all for everything from acne to stress and anxiety.  In India, they drink it instead of coffee or so I read.  I am adding it to my list of new behaviors.  With all this belly pain, as much as I love my coffee, I am going to take a break.  The tea was actually really nice, so I can do this.  I also used my treadmill.  Hero is the one who inspired me to get a treadmill.  I haven't run in a long time, so had to walk also - did a 30 min interval training.  Hot shower afterwards.  Normally that would raise my mood enough to at least get out of the house and run errands or go eat -- something.  But I am back under the covers, and I guess it is ok.  I cried this morning.  Haven't cried in awhile.  I remember -- after BD -- laying on our bed with him and telling him that, even if we ended up divorced, if he was lying to me about whether he was with someone, we wouldn't get past it.  That the lie would ruin the bond between us.  Of course he just stared at me, and it took him 2 more years to admit the OW.  Again, we were laying on our bed when he told me.  I didn't yell or scream.  I really think I was in shock which is incredible because I had suspected for so long and he hadn't lived at home for the 2 years.  But there I was asking him if he loved her and he said yes.  I said "ok."  And then he said something that to this day I still don't get:  he said "I knew you would understand."  He called me and texted for several days afterwards.  I was nice and fun and flirty because I was in shock, and I know he was making sure we were ok - which we weren't.  Then I got mean, and that was the end of him calling.  What H would think his wife would understand an OW, and lying about it for so long?  He broke us.  Can't he see that?  How could I ever trust him, even as a friend?  My friends don't treat me that way.  I can't seem to get over the lies, or the idea that I won't ever an immediate family again.  Even if I get married, the new man will just be Shining's H to the girls.  It will never be intact.  The lies and the broken family are where I am stuck.

H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline heroIam

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2019, 10:29:06 AM »
SS.
Attaching.

I did hear that EMDR works well.  I have yet to try it.
Remember to try and focus on the littlest things that bring you joy and gratefulness.
And stay in the present moment.  It helps even for just a little bit.

Big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2019, 12:11:38 PM »
Oh SHining, I feel your hurt and I am glad you took a 'me' day today.
You've been at it much longer than me (2 yrs) but I also feel stuck.
I get over the lies and the breaking up my family - I can't get over the fact that he is no longer in my life.
Had a long cry yesterday - first one again in months - and I cannot seem to get motivated to get on with life like I know I need to.

Enjoy your day under the covers and try again tomorrow - this is bound to get easier.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2019, 01:23:13 PM »
Funnily enough, 66...i'm the other way round. I can accept his absence from my life and that he chose it. But the mindf**kery of the contempt and rewriting and lies and ridiculous WTF stuff and just how different he became is still a work in progress for me  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline kalypso

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2019, 02:04:42 PM »
Hello Shining Star,

I am quite new to all this, and I don't have any great advice to give, but I sympathize and wish you the best and feel better soon. Sleeping alone is one of my biggest problems also. There are days that bring you down but you're strong and you will get over this. 

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2019, 03:45:26 PM »
Me again - I get active when I am spiraling down.  My update is that I texted him today.  NC for ever which I broke today.  I wanted to connect, so I set a message that said I hadn't rec'd the alimony.  He got back fairly quickly telling me he thought it was a direct deposit and had no idea it wasn't sent.  Lots of apologies.  This is where I changed my behavior -- I told him that I wasn't worried about the money, but wanted to make sure he was ok because it was out of the norm for him to be late.  He responded that he was in Paris and thought about me when he saw the Notre Dame fire, and hoped I was well.  My response was that I also thought of him when I saw the fire because I had such fond memories of our trips to Paris.   He sent another message to say that he had transferred the money and it should be in the account tomorrow - he hoped that was ok, and again, explained that he had no idea that it hadn't posted in my account.  He made a joke about the fact that I didn't notice it was missing for two weeks.  Not exactly correct.  I did notice but didn't want to contact him.  I sent another text just reiterating that I was just worried about him and was glad that he was ok.  Followed by another quick text that said "I miss you."  His response - right away - was "Me too!"  I think I want a relationship with him, of some kind.  Too soon to figure out what it will look like.  I won't contact him again anytime soon.  Just threw out there that I am still on the planet.

66 and Kal:  I am sorry you are on this journey.  I will catch up with your posts.  I hope that your healing goes much faster than mine, and that you are able to not stay stuck like I have.  It really is a fight to get through this.

 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

 

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