Author Topic: My Story The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer  (Read 2455 times)

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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If someone could link my posts, I would appreciate it.  Thank you!

Journaling and very whiny today :(

I stayed home from work today.  I NEVER miss work.  My brain is swirling this morning.  Specifically, what do I need to do to feel better and move on?  Why am I stuck on my idea of family -- which is that we are all together?  I can't predict the future, but it is now 1 year out from the D, and I have not seen him in about a year and a half.  I have not spoken to him in 6 months.  It is UNLIKELY that he is coming home.  He doesn't even consider me to be home anymore.  He is with OW and has been for years, so why am I spinning?  Why still so much pain?  It can't be about him anymore -- can it?  Can I still be grieving after all this time?  The first night I slept alone without him, I woke up with what I call a burning belly.  That was January 31, 2015.  It is 4 yrs later, and I still wake up every morning with the same pain in my belly.  There is nothing medically wrong.  It is emotional pain.  How can it be that my brain still has not processed that I sleep alone AFTER 4 years.  I want to get past what happened.  I am not a victim.  I am a smart woman with a ton of great things in my life that is capable of creating a new world and a new relationship.  But I am so stuck.  This is my brain this morning.  I am not being hard on myself.  I get we all have a different path and for me it has been slow -- but good grief --I need a life.  I said yesterday, that it starts with my health because I have been having difficulty with anxiety and depression following the D.  Treasur suggested EDMR which I am researching.  At this point, it probably is the only thing I have not tried.  I have acupuncture tomorrow night.  I don't think it works for me, but I like going so I think of it as more of a massage/therapy session.  Even though I stayed home today, I do plan to crawl out of bed and go to the gym at some point.  I am committed to staying on plan even if I am hiding from the world today. 

Previous Thread:https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9994
« Last Edit: April 26, 2019, 04:46:13 AM by UrsaMajor »
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline in it

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2019, 07:12:17 AM »
 SS
It's a stay at home mental health care day. :)
Have you seen a GP or had a check up lately?
And a quick look online did reveal physical symptoms of greif.
Maybe reading about that will help you feel better.
I'm so sorry you are so stuck..something kind for you maybe?.Warm bath, soft blanket ?.

« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 07:27:52 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2019, 07:53:48 AM »
People ask me all the time how I know this is MLC and not just a normal breakup. My answer is a normal breakup wouldn’t have this affect on me. That’s why it’s so hard for us to get over because it’s not a normal breakup. There is no time limit on grief my dear. Some heal quicker than others. Some take longer. The fact remains we have all been through something traumatic and that changes us. You sound like you needed a day at home. It’s not the end or the world. A day to do your own thing is vital!

Wishing you well
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 07:56:20 AM »
If it helps, shining, my 'good grief, why am I still here/feeling like this' moment was last autumn. Turned out to be a very positive shift and - even if I didn't know what to do entirely - that sense of frustration gave me some impetus so turned out to be a good thing.
I hope you have been kind and loving to yourself today. Lick your wounds a bit, that's ok, and then you can figure out a next step. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 09:10:47 AM »
In, Sachat3, and Treasure,  Thank you for the encouragement and kind words. 

In: I did get a check up last fall and was told I am healthy.  I think it is still anxiety and grief that causes the pain.  It is very stubborn and doesn't want to lift.

Treasur:  I would love for it to be my positive shift day.  Fingers crossed, I am processing all the yuk out of me today.
 
It is a fitful day for sure.  Reminds me of when he first moved out.  That despair we have all felt - hurts.  I got up and made a cup of Holy Basil tea.  I bought some after reading about it.  A fix all for everything from acne to stress and anxiety.  In India, they drink it instead of coffee or so I read.  I am adding it to my list of new behaviors.  With all this belly pain, as much as I love my coffee, I am going to take a break.  The tea was actually really nice, so I can do this.  I also used my treadmill.  Hero is the one who inspired me to get a treadmill.  I haven't run in a long time, so had to walk also - did a 30 min interval training.  Hot shower afterwards.  Normally that would raise my mood enough to at least get out of the house and run errands or go eat -- something.  But I am back under the covers, and I guess it is ok.  I cried this morning.  Haven't cried in awhile.  I remember -- after BD -- laying on our bed with him and telling him that, even if we ended up divorced, if he was lying to me about whether he was with someone, we wouldn't get past it.  That the lie would ruin the bond between us.  Of course he just stared at me, and it took him 2 more years to admit the OW.  Again, we were laying on our bed when he told me.  I didn't yell or scream.  I really think I was in shock which is incredible because I had suspected for so long and he hadn't lived at home for the 2 years.  But there I was asking him if he loved her and he said yes.  I said "ok."  And then he said something that to this day I still don't get:  he said "I knew you would understand."  He called me and texted for several days afterwards.  I was nice and fun and flirty because I was in shock, and I know he was making sure we were ok - which we weren't.  Then I got mean, and that was the end of him calling.  What H would think his wife would understand an OW, and lying about it for so long?  He broke us.  Can't he see that?  How could I ever trust him, even as a friend?  My friends don't treat me that way.  I can't seem to get over the lies, or the idea that I won't ever an immediate family again.  Even if I get married, the new man will just be Shining's H to the girls.  It will never be intact.  The lies and the broken family are where I am stuck.

H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline heroIam

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2019, 10:29:06 AM »
SS.
Attaching.

I did hear that EMDR works well.  I have yet to try it.
Remember to try and focus on the littlest things that bring you joy and gratefulness.
And stay in the present moment.  It helps even for just a little bit.

Big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2019, 12:11:38 PM »
Oh SHining, I feel your hurt and I am glad you took a 'me' day today.
You've been at it much longer than me (2 yrs) but I also feel stuck.
I get over the lies and the breaking up my family - I can't get over the fact that he is no longer in my life.
Had a long cry yesterday - first one again in months - and I cannot seem to get motivated to get on with life like I know I need to.

Enjoy your day under the covers and try again tomorrow - this is bound to get easier.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2019, 01:23:13 PM »
Funnily enough, 66...i'm the other way round. I can accept his absence from my life and that he chose it. But the mindf**kery of the contempt and rewriting and lies and ridiculous WTF stuff and just how different he became is still a work in progress for me  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline kalypso

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2019, 02:04:42 PM »
Hello Shining Star,

I am quite new to all this, and I don't have any great advice to give, but I sympathize and wish you the best and feel better soon. Sleeping alone is one of my biggest problems also. There are days that bring you down but you're strong and you will get over this. 

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2019, 03:45:26 PM »
Me again - I get active when I am spiraling down.  My update is that I texted him today.  NC for ever which I broke today.  I wanted to connect, so I set a message that said I hadn't rec'd the alimony.  He got back fairly quickly telling me he thought it was a direct deposit and had no idea it wasn't sent.  Lots of apologies.  This is where I changed my behavior -- I told him that I wasn't worried about the money, but wanted to make sure he was ok because it was out of the norm for him to be late.  He responded that he was in Paris and thought about me when he saw the Notre Dame fire, and hoped I was well.  My response was that I also thought of him when I saw the fire because I had such fond memories of our trips to Paris.   He sent another message to say that he had transferred the money and it should be in the account tomorrow - he hoped that was ok, and again, explained that he had no idea that it hadn't posted in my account.  He made a joke about the fact that I didn't notice it was missing for two weeks.  Not exactly correct.  I did notice but didn't want to contact him.  I sent another text just reiterating that I was just worried about him and was glad that he was ok.  Followed by another quick text that said "I miss you."  His response - right away - was "Me too!"  I think I want a relationship with him, of some kind.  Too soon to figure out what it will look like.  I won't contact him again anytime soon.  Just threw out there that I am still on the planet.

66 and Kal:  I am sorry you are on this journey.  I will catch up with your posts.  I hope that your healing goes much faster than mine, and that you are able to not stay stuck like I have.  It really is a fight to get through this.

 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Onward

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2019, 12:03:20 AM »
Hi SS.

Don't underestimate how much the Notre Dame fire may have stirred up a lot of subconscious memories. I, too, have very fond memories of Paris, and the past two days have been tough.

Be gentle on yourself about the restlessness, too. The grief process is a cyclical one, not linear. We really don't get from point A to point B in a straight line. I know I still have plenty of days when the initial shock feelings come back. They just don't last quite as long, or set me back quite so far.

Good for you for reaching out in a way that was direct. The fact your alimony was late was probably also troubling you, both consciously and unconsciously.

It was a pleasant exchange. And now you know he was thinking about you.

And you are thinky, too.

Remember time is your friend, and gift yourself with some kindness.
I don't think you are actually stuck. I think you are just a little tender as you peel open another layer of healing, and growing. And that's perfectly OK.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2019, 02:59:16 AM »
Thank you Onward for letting me know that, although yesterday was rough, I may still be ok.  I get scared when I have a day like that.  I get frustrated that I am still healing, and well, we can see that he is fine.  Trying not to monkey brain but I am sure the OW was with him.  I know I shouldn't compare but -- wow, I was almost dying yesterday, and he was in Paris.  I can't believe this is my life and I can't believe that I have let the D rock me to this level.  Starting today differently.  All ready up and been for a run on the treadmill.  Heading to work and have accupuncture tonight.  Also going to call some folks for the EMDR therapy to see if I can get an appointment.  Even on my worst day -- like yesterday -- I am always thinking about how to feel better.  There is still a fight in me.

H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2019, 06:02:46 AM »
Star, see - where there's a fight there is a will to live - you got this.
Did Acupuncture help you ? I don't have EMDR anywhere within driving distance so I thought about trying Acupuncture.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2019, 06:26:55 AM »
66:  I have been doing acupuncture for about a year.  I can't say it has helped because I still have that burning belly that I talked about yesterday.  BTW, after I saw the text that he was in Paris, I took a Xanax, which took the burning away immediately.  That is how I know that it is stress and not a medical issue like an ulcer.  Anyway, back to acupuncture -- I keep going because I really like the woman and it feels more like a therapy appt.  Plus, at the end, she gives me a nice massage.  So, it is a pleasant experience but I don't think it has helped break the stress.  That said, I know people who benefit from it, so you should try and see for yourself.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 06:35:00 AM »
Star, see - where there's a fight there is a will to live - you got this.
Did Acupuncture help you ? I don't have EMDR anywhere within driving distance so I thought about trying Acupuncture.

Agree with Shining that it is a trial and error thing. Acupuncture and yoga are useful, tapping can be useful too I believe. Basically tackling trauma through the body.

Could be worth getting in touch with your national EMDR organisation to talk about doing it virtually bc I know some people do that. Depends on how you feel I guess.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Bailmor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2019, 06:53:19 AM »
SS,

Sorry you are still feeling the effects of all this!  Nothing about this is easy.  It takes much time to truly get to a point of being comfortable and without any anxiety or depression.  Having been in this for over 9 years, I have finally found that I am taking my life and putting it first and foremost, along with my daughters. 

You are doing an outstanding job of keeping yourself busy and taking care of you physically.  Keep on your current path and things will pan out for you.  None of this is easy but going through it and growing as a result is necessary!  Take care!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2019, 10:23:55 AM »
Bailmor, it is great to hear from you.  So happy that things are better and more settled.  I, too, hope to get to that point.  I feel like the blow up doll/fixture (whatever you want to call it) at the car dealership.  I just keep getting blown over, but pop back up.  Always with the hope that I get farther down the road to success, which for me is acceptance, less pain and stress, and a full life with re-gained joy.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2019, 11:04:01 AM »
I can't believe that I have let the D rock me to this level. 

But this is what makes you, you. If it didn't affect you, then I would be worried.

I just keep getting blown over, but pop back up.  Always with the hope that I get farther down the road to success, which for me is acceptance, less pain and stress, and a full life with re-gained joy.

And there it is. Your attitude is what will propel you to your joy.  You are an amazing woman. Never forget that. You've been through the wringer and still come out fighting, and wanting to heal. H may be in Paris with someone else, but you can bet your presence is felt everywhere you shared a memory.  Shining Star is not easily forgotten. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2019, 12:48:34 PM »
Kit:  What an amazing message.  Thank you so much.  You had all the right words today.  I really hope once the burning belly subsides, I can start to re-build slowly.  Right now I just go to work and go home and crawl under the covers.  I want to get beyond this....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2019, 11:59:17 AM »
I think I had a revelation today about why I am so physically ill with the belly pains, anxiety and depression.  People say I am better, but I am not.  I am - literally - physically ill.  So, I was trying to figure out why.  I have been dealing with the trauma for years, and now divorced, so why now??  Ready for my Eureka moment ---  I don't believe any longer that he will come home.  I have really good intuition and am never wrong, and even through all my tears for the past few years, I ALWAYS thought that he would find his way home.  Even after the divorce, I still thought he would make it through the tunnel and come home.  But the one year anniversary of the divorce and the fact that I haven't seen him for a year and a half, has changed my intuition.  I don't think he will come home, and that has totally screwed me up.  At this point, we are essentially strangers and he has been with OW for years.  The same OW that he had the affair and left... remember he said that she was 100% and I was only 80%.  SO, how do I process this pain, and get unstuck.  I know that we can't read the future, but my gut -- which has been burning for weeks -- is telling me that I need to let my brain genuinely accept that he doesn't want me anymore.  Sure, he cares, but he doesn't find me attractive, he's not interested in sharing a life together, he doesn't want to vacation with me, blah, blah, blah.  I am not creating a problem, I am acknowledging what is in my subconscious that is making me so sick.  Now I need to figure out what to do to feel better.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2019, 12:35:53 PM »
Hi Shining,

BD was in 2009, Aug 2017 I started seeing a Mind/Body therapist because  I felt stuck, MLCer divorced me without any warning June 2018 ( I was about ready to leave therapy)..in some ways, this affected me more deeply than BD! Glad I was still with my therapist..I had to start seeing her weekly for quite some time.

I continued with therapy and will soon be saying goodbye. I think I will be able to handle whatever else comes my way. She has told me that this type of work takes about 1 1/2 to 2 years to fully integrate into the person's brain. So I am on track timewsie.

But yes, I too have had a "burning belly" for several years. I had an endoscopy and the doctor asked after..how much stress are you under.? I searched for "diets" that help...eating oatmeal every day has helped..I only have 1 coffee a day and make a combination of Folger's smooth and Trader Joe's low acid, I avoid all citrus, alcohol doesn't help either and I take famatadine twice a day...can't seem to get off it.

The Mind/Body work has been fantastic. She helped me to understand that I was living in a state of fight/flight and freeze because my neural pathways, due to the trauma had turned on these settings permanently..anything now seemed like a "threat" to my physiology.

So, with some techniques to reprogram my nervous system, especially the vagal nerve, I have learned to stay more in what she terms the "green tree zone" and when I do get into a anxious/depressed/panicky mode I can return much more quickly than I once did.....so almost 10 years later, I am better.

The fire at Notre Dame also brought back memories of 2 trips we took to Paris and of our shared Catholic faith..he remembers too because we had been in communication and his response told me he very much remembers.

No matter, he isn't in my life, he doesn't want me in his and I have somehow "accepted this fact" much better than I once did.

Many, many of us have had the same physiological response to this trauma and that is in some ways reassuring....the physical symptoms are very real, and I fear that they have cost me both in my health and longitivtiy...but the body and mind is amazingly resilient and fortunately there are some therapies available that can help us to become whole again.

There are always going to be triggers...that annoys me now for no matter how well I am doing, a special occasion or something comes to my attention and causes that "pain" once again...this is so much work! To remain on top of the things I must do to maintain my equilibrium.

No little pill or magic wand I am afraid but a continuous quest to become whole pushes me forward.

Keep looking for that practitioner who might be able to help you. I did go for acupuncture for the first year or so..I do think it helped to calm me down but I was such a mess back then..hard to say. I guess the best way to find the right therapy is to turn towards someone who is experienced in treating PTSD..rather than talk therapy or marriage therapy which was not helpful for me anyway.

You have the desire to be well and that is what will get you through this ...as well as the support of a community who "get it".You are not alone, we understand.

One technique I was taught was to freeze frame my thought and make it smaller, dimmer, less bright, less loud..to turn down the volume.....the fear that he will never return is real.....so how can you make that fear less? Somedays that works well for me, other days I cannot get to "that place" but many more good days than bad now so I am grateful for that.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 12:39:11 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2019, 03:54:06 PM »
Xy:  I am so grateful for your post.  Thank you for taking the time to provide such important information.  I have had 3 talk therapist and essentially gotten nowhere other than it is nice to talk to someone who can't runaway when I am telling the same story over and over.  Based on a suggestion by Treasur, I have tried the past two days to find an EMDR therapist to ask questions about the practice.  I will also research a mind/body therapist.  I agree that I need a trauma specialist.  Since he never abused me during the marriage, I have just recently connected that the way he left and his behavior at the time was abuse and did cause trauma, and that must be healed.  If you still have the burning belly, I bought some probiotics today to try.  I really do believe that there is a belly brain connection.  I, too, have had to limit coffee and eat light meals like scrambled eggs.  I am happy to hear that most of your days are happy, and that the therapy has been helpful.  That gives me something to look forward too.  It is interesting that the D has caused much more of an emotional response than the BD.  At that time I was just in shock and hysterical not understanding what was happening.  I spent the first few years focused on saving the marriage, so I didn't have time to worry about me -- it was all about him.  I appreciate you reminding me that this is not a normal situation and it will take whatever time it takes to move through it.  Thank you for the support.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Bailmor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2019, 04:46:16 PM »
SS,

Have you looking into gut health?  THe dust can regulate so much in your body.  Might be something worth looking into.
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2019, 05:10:51 PM »
Hi B:  yes, I started researching and tonight was at Whole Foods buying a "gut health" shot and I also bought probiotics.  I took almost all the caffeine, coffee, sugar, preservatives and gluten out of my diet.  I also have been exercising to burn the stress and mediation to relax my body.  It is just persistent and stubborn.  I think that I have something in my subconscious mind that needs to be free.  So, also sent some emails out today to try to find a therapist.  If nothing else, I am very motivated to feel better :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2019, 05:36:09 PM »
I agree with everything xyz posted.
The breakthrough for me was realising that trauma is a physical issue not a psychological one...our brains are changed by it and those changes effect many of our basic systems like sleep, digestion etc.

I also want to remind you that you lived with uncertainty, coming and going and a kind of gaslighting for over 3 years. Three years. From what I remember it is only about a year ago that you were packing up your old house? And the only reason it stopped was bc you were brave enough to stop it, Shining, to say no and to stop contact. Your h just kept going and would not stop wanting cake and confusion. Please be kind and clear sighted about how long and brutal that rollercoaster ride was, and how brave you were to climb off it.

Your h was a textbook MLCer imho. I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about what he may or may not do...he will most likely follow the script and pop up in some way all broken in a few years time. But what matters is healing from your trauma...absolute priority which I think you feel...and it is do-able, my friend, and the world will feel better on the other side. Worth fighting for and a much more predictable outcome.

You might find this lecture by Bessel van der Kolk interesting https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XU91BhcPqnM
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 05:42:28 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #25 on: April 19, 2019, 05:26:16 AM »
This is why I always come back to the forum when I am spinning.  There is so much relevant information and support.  Thank you Treasur for reminding me that it really hasn't been that long.  Yes, my H is king of the gaslighters, and loved his cake.  I had to break off 100% in order to save myself - and it literally was "SAVING" myself.  And, it has only been a year since I packed up my old home and layed in the middle of the floor hysterical when I found an old picnic basket in a closet I was packing.  There are things that will stay with us forever - finding the picnic basket with all the attached memories almost killed me that day.  I will never forget that pain.  I have gotten emails from a few EMDR therapists that say they aren't taking new patients.  I am not sure if I will be able to find one in my area - which is crazy because I am in a big city.  Will keep looking.  It is Friday.  I am flying to a friend's home for Easter.  I leave in the morning.  Mixed feelings.  It is a couple that we were friends with - in fact they worked with my H.  After he left, the wife was the only one who ever confronted him.  She said you have been telling me for over 20 years how much you love Shining, WHAT ARE YOU DOING.  He told her he had changed.  She thought is was all bull***t.  So, I got them in the D.  They have really rallied around me and have been a great support system.  My H actually whined that I got all the friends.  It is still hard to visit them without him.  Kinda in your face that you are alone.... 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2019, 05:58:33 AM »
And I want you to let yourself feel the truth of that, Shining. That you did what you had to do to save yourself, that you knew at a deep level it was all you could do. And how much courage it takes to do that. You should feel proud of finding that courage imho.

Keep trying with the EMDR folks, maybe ask if they can refer you, that your situation is a critical one. I'm glad you have plans for Easter with people who know and care about you. My xh binned all his friends too, but I have found that for all of us when we get together there's sometimes a sense of a ghost at the table. It is not just me that misses who my h was or felt bewildered by his abandonment and rejection. We don't always mention it but we all feel it, I think, and some friendships have drifted away bc of it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #27 on: April 19, 2019, 06:29:47 AM »
We learn so much from one another. Yet we are all quite different. Years ago, when I first came to HS, the idea that the LBSer was suffering from PTSD wasn't identified.....the long term effects on our lives are far greater than I could have conceived.I had no idea that his leaving would change me so much. I had always been an independent and "strong" person, little did I know.

There are differences too in the members of HS, differences in our marriages and belief systems....perhaps like MLC, different levels of how this affected us.

My therapist has her Phd in physiotherapy. It was an unlikely encounter for me. I had been seeing a physiotherapist about issues related to knee replacement and she had attended a weekend seminar. When she told me about the mind/body work and suggested that I might be interested in this other therapist, I do no even know what caused me to go and see her.  Certainly, my intention was not to talk about my husband..I was looking for relief of some physical pain.

One of her first questions to me was to talk about a memory that brought me joy. I explained that was going to be very difficult  and told her about the end of my 32 year marriage and how memories attached to it were too painful and that the last several years had not held any joy for me....then, I said, the one thing I can talk to you about that brings me joy is my dog.

And so, this creature that I "rescued" became the opening to a journey of healing ( she has been such a blessing to me). My therapist is superb at noticing my body language and leads me to explain how my body is feeling and then helped me to find ways to change that feeling...to reprogram the neural pathways ...the sessions have been very intense, things have happened in her office that I cannot explain...places I went to and the uncovering of events in my own childhood that are patterns of my responses.

We have even discussed epigenetic, how an ancestor's DNA can be changed by a traumatic experience and can be passed on to their offspring...studies that were started I believe with daughters of Jewish concentration camp survivors in Brooklyn.....well, my father was a POW during WWII of the Japanese....follow the dots.....could it be possible that his response to the trauma he experienced was somehow connected to my own?

Crazy stuff sometimes, BUT, she is not a quack...her credentials are very sound..I am giggling right now...because I  had no idea that this was going to be my road out of hell.

Finding these practitioners can be difficult.

As a nurse, certified yoga instructor, trained in therapeutic touch and reiki, I understood that there is something beyond the medical model. The video clip that treasur referenced, there is also a book by Bessel Van Der Kolk called The Body Keeps the Score. Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

I know we often suggest yoga and meditation because they help to calm our neural pathways.

I don't know where you live Shining, but my therapist  does do sessions via skpe.

Have a good Easter. One of my best friends who has been very supportive all these years was also a couple we knew very well in the past. Her husband worked with mine....they were shocked by what happened and all that happened after.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #28 on: April 20, 2019, 03:52:49 AM »
Treasur and Xy:  You rock!  Your messages were amazing and really resonated with me.  I got another message from a EMDR therapist that she isn't taking new patients.  I will keep trying, but I need to find someone in my insurance.  I went to a cognitive behavior therapist a few months ago that was out of network.  She charged $200 per session.  When she charged my credit card for 10 sessions, it was $2,000.  I submitted it to the insurance thinking they would pay a portion, and was rejected.  So, I had to tell her I couldn't work with her anymore.  Xy:  I looked up mind/body therapists and it doesn't look like they take insurance.  I need to call my company to see if they will give me a waiver.  But, am still searching and not ready to give up.  Getting ready to listen to the link Treasur sent, and then heading to the gym before the airport.  It takes 12 weeks for exercise to kick in and change your brain, so my head is down and I am trying to go consistently to beat this anxiety and depression.  First week of really doing it, so have a long road....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #29 on: April 20, 2019, 06:16:52 AM »
Unfortunately my therapist was not covered by my insurance. I have spent about $3500 on therapy but it was worth it. I am grateful I had the $$ to be able to go to her.

Exercise will definitely help. I am off to a yoga class this am.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #30 on: April 25, 2019, 07:04:27 AM »
I had a beautiful Easter trip to see my friends.  They are lovely people and very supportive, although I think they would be very disappointed if I ever re-engaged with H.  As I stated, they know him well and think that he is incredibly selfish and don't have contact with him anymore.  I arrived late Saturday night.  They have a beautiful home in the mountains - very relaxing environment.  When I woke up on Easter, I came upstairs in my pjs for coffee, and they were waiting for me.  Apparently while I slept, the Easter bunny showed up and hid eggs, and made me a huge basket of "sugar" and treats.  I ran around the house in my slippers looking for the eggs, eating chocolate, and actually belly laughing which felt amazing.  After church, we had a feast all cooked from scratch.  I felt loved.  I felt special.  I felt happy.  For a moment, I felt sad for H, but it wouldn't have been his thing - he always hated and ruined every holiday.  I stayed for a few days and enjoyed the company, too much food, and beautiful scenery.  Just got called in by my boss - will need to finish my thoughts later :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Bailmor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #31 on: April 25, 2019, 07:26:25 AM »
Glad you were able to clear your head and get some time to enjoy the joys of life!  Sometimes, we have to let things go and take what is being offered.  Hope things continue to get better for you SS!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #32 on: April 25, 2019, 09:25:55 AM »
Hi B:  Thank you for always supporting me :)

Second part of the weekend - my D and her boyfriend took an overseas trip together for the first time.  I know she was very excited.  Apparently, her F was in a nearby country for work, and flew over to meet them for a day of sightseeing.  She did not mention this to me, but we almost never mention her F, so nothing unusual.  As I am leaving for my Easter trip, she called me from her travels in tears.  She said that they met up with her F and that he was mean to her boyfriend.  She said that it really bothered her and she couldn't get past it.  Her F would do things like - roll his eyes when the boyfriend was talking.  He didn't even hide it, and boyfriend asked her why her F hated him.  They have been together for 4 years and live together and are planning on getting married.  He is lovely, but how rude of H to treat him that way.  Boyfriend has never done anything wrong.  H has a very high opinion of himself and I am sure that boyfriend's job isn't good enough because he doesn't strive to be the President.  He is a regular guy who D loves and is good to her.  H isn't really in a position to be judging others if you know what I mean - "he ain't all that and a bag of chips!"  It made me angry and sad, but I am no longer in a position to be the buffer.  D will need to navigate the issue herself.

Also, H raised his head from the tunnel.  Prior to my trip, I had to text him to say that the alimony didn't post in my bank account.  Oh - forgot you know this because he said that he was in Paris and it reminded him of me - post from last week.  That was it - a financial exchange.  While D was with her F, he said to her that "WE" meaning me, were friends.  Of course it confused D but she didn't say anything.  When we talked on the phone, I told her we had exchanged a financial text, and she laughed.  What planet does he live on that "WE" are friends.  I have see him in a year and a half, and have had one phone conversation and maybe 6 text messages in that time.  It made me so mad that his brain is so warped, but I have learned - from the forum - I have no control of his behavior or comments.  This week he texted again about another financial matter, and put a smiley face at the end of the message.  Gotta love the smiley face.  So, in the text he used the wrong name of our old street.  In my response, I said "here is the info you need, and BTW, our street was X, so you must have me confused with one of your other addresses."  That was a dig that he was living with OW.  He sent a response that he only had one address - implying that he was not living with her, and again, I got a smiley face.

I think he is back in the tunnel, unlikely to re-emerge anytime soon, and I see zero progress on becoming a better, nicer, softer, human being.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #33 on: April 25, 2019, 09:43:47 AM »
They are just not very pleasant people are they? Even if we have little information or contact. Makes it easier to stay out of contact with them but still an extraordinary thing to see even from a distance if this was not at all what they were like before.

As you say, your daughter will have to learn to manage her own boundaries with him when he behaves like a jerk.

Friends? Yup, pretty confident you can swing a cat in a bar of strangers and find a better kind of friend.  ::) And the smiley face nonsense? Well give yourself 500 adultier adult points for not selecting a honest kind of LBS emoji in your reply  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #34 on: April 25, 2019, 01:33:06 PM »
Come on Karma bus.... not a health issue or anything serious like that, but something good that makes him have a few moments of the pain he has caused the rest of us!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #35 on: April 25, 2019, 02:37:32 PM »
Oh the eye rolling. So so lame! Yes my H does that too, b/c they are 13 after all.  And the smiley face. I used to get the emoji with the sunglasses all the time. It infuriated me. B/c it was more of a punctuation mark on his adolescent state of mind.

Yes definitely still in the tunnel, where it is safe for him.  Speaking of eye roll --  ::)  I think the karma bus hits these MLCers more often than not. And in different ways. You don't just up and lie, cheat on and abandon your spouse of 15-20-30 years and have absolutely no guilt. Well, maybe if they are a psychopath. My H is more of a talker about that--always admitting his misery. I am sure he does it to elicit empathy from me. (Ironic right?)  But saying things like "I ruined my life" tells me he is far from happy. And I am fairly certain that is the case with most of them. They hide it well--after all they become quite proficient in the art of mask wearing.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #36 on: April 25, 2019, 04:45:31 PM »
So that is interesting Kit.  I have given this a lot of thought.  Your H, at times, reminds me of my "3" year old.  13 is way too mature for my H.  This is my thought - - yes, I do believe that they feel guilt - no remorse yet, but guilt.  They aren't stupid or insane and they know that what they are doing is wrong, and that most of their men counterparts are at home taking care of their families.  They know that they are broken in some way.  That is why they run all the time.  One to fill their egos, and two because if they slow down they may be forced to confront their demons.  My H did the whiny I am not always happy, blah blah blah thing too - but I don't think that is guilt.  I think that it is part of the manipulation.  On some level, if they seem to be withdrawn or unhappy, it keeps us on the roller coaster because our minds start to wonder whether they are really happy in the life with the OW.  Maybe there is trouble in paradise, maybe he misses me, etc.  My H is a master at it.  I told him that he better be the happiest man on the planet after all the pain he caused.  I don't want to hear that your life isn't 100% - THAT IS WHY YOU SAID YOU LEFT....  OW was 100%, and I was a mere 80% - how could you not be skipping down the street every day!
You may not agree, but that is my observation of the whiny moppy mood.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #37 on: April 26, 2019, 05:17:01 AM »
Shining,

I find that my STBXW uses the "I'm not happy" or MUCH more often, the "I am sick" (which was blamed on me and the marriage at BD) to elicit sympathy from me and trigger me to search for a "fix" to whatever it is that is ailing them.... I have observed that now, since my response is "Oh, I am sorry to hear that." and that is ALL, she actually cringes when I do not drop everything to rush to her aid... 

Ironically, she too has had undefined and unidentifiable stomach problems for many years, has been through various doctors, endoscopy, colonoscopy, etc., etc., etc. all without finding anything... the latest is a Holistic medicine person who was telling her she had "problems" with sugar, Gluten, milk and meat... So she went vegetarian for a while (like over Christmas) but now is eating meat occasionally again .... and she is (I believe) doing "Bio-resonance therapy." The one thing that she hasn't ever done for real is any kind of psychotherapy because, well, that would mean she might have to talk about stuff like feelings and her FOO which she can't/won't.... Because it means that she might have to take responsibility for her actions instead of being able to blame me or someone else...

By the way, Pajama days are fully OK... Pajama WEEKS maybe not such a good thing...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #38 on: April 26, 2019, 05:31:39 AM »
Ursa, I think you nailed it.  I bet a bit of psychotherapy would help her belly issues way more than the medical path.  I have read so much about the brain and belly connection, that it makes perfect sense that our belly issues are connected to our thoughts.  Of course there are people with genuine ailments, but it sounds as if she has been prudent in an effort to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong.  Me too - mine is stress.  The way it burns all the time, I thought this morning maybe it is anger that I haven't been able to process.  I have said before that I never displayed anger to him - only love and kindness, and now strong boundaries.  Exercise is key and being consistent may help me -- but I won't be exercising in my PJs :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #39 on: April 26, 2019, 07:42:31 AM »
Not to rain on the Karma bus parade, because I would love for Karma or Guilt to raise it's pretty head, but some MLC never experience either.
My father left wife and two children to live with his 20 year younger OW. He put my mother through financial and emotional horror throughout the divorce, declined any parental visitation with us and lived his best and happiest live with OW since. It is now 37 years later and he never once had a single minute of guilt or regret and life has just worked out fine and dandy for him.


Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #40 on: April 26, 2019, 07:49:37 AM »
Oh 66, that is just a terrible story.  How sad for you and your family.  I think my H will be the same.  His pattern has been to never look back, so why should this/me be any different.  Let's hope the karma bus hits them all -including your H - to the point that they can FEEL the pain, cuz I am not sure it will ever go away for me. 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2019, 09:18:20 AM »
66 -

I'm sorry you had to experience that with your father.  However, his life is not yet over, and no one knows what is beyond this life.  The end of his story is not yet written for us to see.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #42 on: April 26, 2019, 11:56:20 AM »
66 -

I'm sorry you had to experience that with your father.  However, his life is not yet over, and no one knows what is beyond this life.  The end of his story is not yet written for us to see.

I have to agree with this Schratz. Unless your F is a complete psychopath, there will be a day of reckoning for him and he will feel it. Some don't, sure. But they are also people who never really feel happiness either. My guess is he likely quite numb and has become proficient at wearing the happy mask. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #43 on: April 26, 2019, 11:59:01 AM »
Shining- Let's all drink to the Karma Bus tonight and see if we can make it happen  :-* ;D
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #44 on: April 26, 2019, 12:01:22 PM »
Shining- Let's all drink to the Karma Bus tonight and see if we can make it happen  :-* ;D

I'm in.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #45 on: April 26, 2019, 04:57:57 PM »
Me three!!!!!  :). Starting now....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #46 on: April 26, 2019, 10:08:53 PM »
Aw, Shining.  I don’t know your journey but Ive just read through this thread and it’s heartbreaking to hear you are still feeling such emotional pain.  I had that belly burn for 6 mo after BD and couldn’t stand it anymore and asked the doctors for anything to get rid of it.   He said it’s anxiety (no kidding,,) and prescribed a combo anti-anxiety med.   I hated the thought of taking medication before but I was desperate.   Within days the burning belly was gone.  The depression improved too, but wasn’t altogether gone for awhile. 

My h also told me our marriage was an 8/10.  The missing 2 was the drug high from infatuation that he had with ow.  He didn’t say it that way exactly but that’s what it was.   Isn’t that just the cherry on top of everything else to hear that from someone you love?  An 8/10 not good enough?  Its just plain nuts to end an 8/10 marriage and likely why so many MLCers want to come back.  Of course the 10/10 with ow will eventually drop below the 8/10 he had with you.    Way below - 8/10 isn’t that easy to obtain in long term marriages.   

Of course hearing the 8/10 assessment gave me great hope that reconciliation was clearly in the cards.   He showed reluctance to leave at first but then he had to because I asked him to.   For the next year I thought any day he will feel my loss more than the love (or whatever) he feels for his ow.   Then it’s just a matter of time before he heads home.  Well that was wrong - so much for my certainty that an 8/10 marriage would bring him back.

By then I was starting to wonder if I really wanted him home.   I was an off and on stander but kept getting whatever hope I had crushed.   Then January 2019, h mentioned the d word.  He’s since said he never did said that and he doesn’t want a divorce.   BS.  He said it and I heard it.   We even had a brief conversation about it but strangely now he has no recall.   Either way, the mere mention of d and that was the final nail in the coffin for my stand.  I had had enough of the emotional rollercoaster, the raised then dashed hopes, the come closer then flee for a bit behaviour.  Done with all of it.   On top of it all I had to hear him tell me his feelings for me ‘that way’ just weren’t there. 

Right after was the beginning of another depression and an abandonment of my faith (since restored).  And you touched on it in your thread that the burning belly is back because of the firm belief he is not coming home.   I think that’s what triggered my depression too.  Looking back it was a defining moment in my journey and I made a choice.  I chose myself, not him.  He chose himself almost 2 years ago and still is choosing himself.  I needed to do the same.   I know I’ve changed since then and I see the many ways my life is better than it was with him in it.   I can now honestly say I do not want him back.  If he were to come back I wouldn’t do it.  But also,,,my feelings for him are not what they once were.  I don’t miss him nor do I care if he calls.    But 4 months ago I would have.   The final straw was hearing the d word, the ‘its just not there’ comment, and realizing that this crisis will go on for a very long time. 

I’m glad your Easter was joyful and happy and glad to hear your friends spoiled and loved on you.  Stuff like that is what we all need more of in our lives.   Have a great weekend, Shining - you deserve it. 🙂




Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #47 on: April 27, 2019, 05:34:17 AM »
Anon:  What a great post.  Thank you for taking the time to tell me your story.  Very similar to mine.  For me, the depression and anxiety has increased with the one year anniversary of the D.  I really believed he would come home.  I always had hope, even when I said I didn't.  Now for the first time, I don't see him coming home, and in reality, there is no home anymore.  He destroyed it all with his choices.  I am sure that is why I feel so sick.  I did see a doctor and get medicine.  I am about 4 weeks into it, and yes, it has taken the edge off the anxiety, but the rest of the work I will need to do myself.  Consistency is key with healthy choices, exercise, positive thoughts, etc.  The medicine will only take me so far.  I made a list last night about how to get out of the dark hole.  This morning, I am starting my NEW journey of healing.  It is like a fork in the road.  I have been on a journey for the past several years of keeping the marriage alive - even with NC - lots of hope and tears.  Now, I am breaking off the road, and heading in another direction.  I am done with self help books, therapists, life coaches.  I have spent a ton of money and was only spinning in my grief.  No more.  I loved that man more than words, and I would have done the work if he had wanted to come home.  That is all done.  He believes he is happy and with the right person, so he is free to live his life.  I am starting today - April 27th - to live mine.  Eventually, if I just check items off the list each day, I will feel better.  Again, consistency is key.  I gained some depression chub, so that is where I am starting.  I also bought a book.  He made fun of me for reading, so I stopped after he left.  He would work late, so I would read while waiting for him instead of out drinking or running around.  He said I was boring, and it caused trauma.  A few weeks ago I bought a book that wasn't self help, and enjoyed it.  So, I bought another one.  My ex-H and girls are going to a family party today.  Of course I am not invited.  He is taking (I call her the symptom).  She has taken my place in his family unit, so I need to get healthy and begin to create my own.  No more looking backwards.  No more resisting the truth.  It is real.  He is gone.  Now it is my time!!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #48 on: April 27, 2019, 05:53:32 AM »
 
Quote
He believes he is happy and with the right person, so he is free to live his life.


My parish priest told me right from the beginning "love must be free". It wasn't what I wanted him to say, he was "supposed" to tell me that my husband was wrong and that he'd better come back home or else.

Another priest, just days after BD opened the bible and gave me the story of the Prodigal Son to read.

The thing that helped me the most, to allow myself to feel as though healing was a possibility was acceptance. I will never agree that his choices are the right ones for either of us and especially not for our family, but I accept his freedom to live as he wishes.

Acceptance took a long time.

You are doing really well ....you have found your own things that help....those are internal to each of us and what is helpful to one person may not be to another. You will know, if you pay attention, what helps you and what doesn't.

Acceptance doesn't mean that all the pain is gone..but I have learned to accept the pain. How would there not be pain when someone you love leaves and it never was what you wanted?  Life has many painful things...I was just fortunate to have had a very easy life for 55 years...no major sorrows, no health issues...nothing that took away my joy..until this.

Hope you have a good day!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #49 on: April 27, 2019, 07:04:18 AM »
Xy:  Acceptance is the answer, I totally agree.  You are right, they have free will to live the life they want, and we have no control.  That is still very difficult for me, and keeps me in knots most days.  But I am committed to trying to move along the healing path.  One of my girls just texted me that I will be missed at the family party, and that she loves me.  I know this is difficult for them even though they are adults.  I, like you, was very lucky to have such a good life until my 50s.  That was a gift.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #50 on: April 27, 2019, 02:59:31 PM »
Quote
No more looking backwards.  No more resisting the truth.  It is real.  He is gone.  Now it is my time
That was my thinking too at the same crossroad.  It’s not the easiest decision to make and I moved slowly at first but momentum picked up and then,,,no looking back.   You will get there too and will know it when you sense a burden you have been carrying around is no longer there.  In its place is a feeling of relief and a sense that the real you is ‘back’ and now you can truly live life for yourself.   

My therapist said you have to let go of hope to heal or it will hold you back?   I pondered that for awhile but in my case at least, that’s dead on.   Since burying my M once and for all I’ve never felt more at peace.    It took a lot for me to let go of the hope because I loved my h very deeply and we had a great marriage.  I now believe to recover what we once had, or even close to that, is all but impossible.  The damage is just too extensive.   




Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #51 on: April 27, 2019, 07:59:18 PM »
No looking back except for one small booboo earlier today.  I sent him a text that wasn't financial.  First time in probably 2 years.  I knew he was at the family party with the kids and I just wanted my presence felt.  I sent an O, which for us means I love you.  It has been 10 hours with no response.  I can't make an excuse like he is on a plane or out of the country - I know where he is and who he is with.  He just didn't respond, so NOW no looking back.  Even if he would respond tomorrow, it loses its purpose.  Silly me - thank goodness I was out with friends for most of that time, drinking yummy wine, and laughing instead of sitting home upset.  I didn't have an expectation, so his silence is fine.  Just confirmed we are not friends, so nothing left to save.  My D is right when she says that he is not worth my time or effort - yes, that is his D saying that about her F.  I guess my new life starts tomorrow. 

Anon:  letting go of hope and burying the M, even with all the destruction has been the most difficult thing for me to do.  Hope has been my lifeline and I have clung to it.  I release it and I release him.  Thanks for your advice - it is excellent as usual.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #52 on: April 27, 2019, 08:11:06 PM »
We are all so different and our situations are different.  I found acceptance was what helped me to heal. For 9 1/2 years I continue to have hope. I always have and I cannot explain this. But it has not stopped or interfered with my healing and becoming whole again.

My therapist shares my faith so she doesn’t see hope as a negative thing in my case.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2019, 08:12:23 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #53 on: April 27, 2019, 08:16:26 PM »
Xy:  We are all different, but our pain is very similar.  Hope holds me back, even if that isn't logical.  Accepting my reality is what will lead me forward.  I am glad you found what worked for you.  Thank you for your expertise!  Enjoy your evening :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #54 on: April 28, 2019, 10:46:09 AM »
I wrapping up my final thoughts of the backward steps after the one year anniversary of the D.  It has been hard, which is why I posted so much recently.  No more wedding Anniversarys with him, just the anniversary of the end of the marriage.  I had a really bad nightmare last night.  I had so much anger, which I haven't really had throughout the process.  In my dream, I could feel the venom and I had such strong emotion and was yelling at him and calling her names and just completely out of control.  When I woke up, I sent him a nasty text, which I haven't done in years.  He did get back to me a few hours later to say he was sorry, it must have been very difficult for me, and hoped that I felt better today.  I called a girlfriend and said that he showed empathy, and she asked why that made me upset, and I said because he seems to be working on himself and, if he becomes a better version, she benefits - I don't.  I got the monster and the betrayal.  She will get the emotionally mature guy that will work on a relationship instead of run.  She said why are you so upset these past few weeks - what about the anniversary is causing all this pain.  I said " I think my intuition was wrong - and it is never wrong - I now feel he is not coming home.  I confused my intuition with hopeful thinking, which are different.  Now, it is more clear, and  I have lost hope, and I am in pain because I am love sick all over again."  I think this is true.  The hope is no longer there, and although I don't think I am resisting, it is just a new level of grief.  I am not feeling sorry for myself or venting.  I am accepting where I am in the journey and that these feelings will transform into healing.  I may have needed this level of pain to move me.  I am not wallowing.  I signed up for all my exercise classes this week, I have a tough work week, I am going to shop and buy some Spring clothes - so I will be busy and not depressed at home.  I am on a journey of faith, not a journey of understanding.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Onward

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #55 on: April 28, 2019, 12:08:36 PM »
SS, good for you in recognizing the power of mind-body memory. It was my 5th anniversary yesterday. I've been feeling restless for weeks, too. Oh, and look, here I am back on HS a fair amount. Coincidence?  Probably not.

Please take what I am about to post gently, because it is coming from a caring friend. I have wrestled with this very thing myself. A LOT.

Do you think you are letting go of hope, or expectations?

In your posts, you mentioned that you sent him two texts, which you have not done in years.

The first was an O, meaning you loved him.  And then you were upset that you did not get a reply. Was that hope that he would reply, or an expectation that he should?

When he didn't reply, you sent him a nasty text. Why?

I'm not looking for you to answer here, and I don't mean 'why' in the justify what you did sense. I mean it in the 'what do you think was driving you?' sense. It's just a reflective question for you to ponder. I have done the same thing, and wondered later what on earth was going on.

Did you 'hope' he would remember? Reply to the first text love too, or in some other way you 'hoped' or 'expected'?

The answer for me was that I was frustrated that he was not doing what I wanted him to do. I was frustrated - and angry- and that someone else was in the place where I wanted to be -- thought I should be --  and I wanted him TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME DAMMIT. Which he did. He acknowledged the nasty.

The concept of hope is so darn HARD.

I also gently encourage you not to think about his response as empathy. He was being polite. She's not getting anything better.

But you are. You are moving forward better and better every day. 
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #56 on: April 28, 2019, 03:26:17 PM »
Oh Onward, I always know your comments are based on love and support.  I am very sorry about the 5 year anniversary.  Interesting concept - expectation vs. hope. My feelings are the same as you - frustration, someone in my place, "pay attention to me." 

Last Tuesday after a financial exchange, he put an O at the end of his text.  I didn't respond.  On Saturday when I spoke with the kids and they were going to the family party and said that he was going, and they thought he was bringing her, my feelings got hurt.  Not logical, but how the he** does he walk into a family event with another woman and everyone is ok with it - I am out in the garbage, and the world keeps going.  That prompted me to send the O text to him.  I just wanted to say "hey, I am still out here."  When he didn't respond, at first I was ok.  I went out, had a really nice evening with a girlfriend, and came home.  I had a bit too much wine, not crazy too much, but more than usual.  When I fell asleep, I had terrible nightmares about him and her together and me angrier than I ever imagined.  I could feel it and it woke me up.  That is when I sent the nasty text that essentially said "you didn't respond to my O, therefore, you don't care about me, being in touch with you after the way I was treated is a gift, this is why I can't be your friend - blah, blah, blah.  His reply in the morning was a big long 3 paragraph excuse and then a big - I am sorry - I would never ignore you.  I decided to respond honestly - I said I was sorry too, and that I had felt left out yesterday.  I had woken in the middle of the night after a terrible nightmare and needed to vent.  That is when he said how difficult it must have been and hoped I was better today.

I don't feel expectations anymore.  I thought he would respond to the original text because that has been his behavior.  He seems to really need me to be his friend, so on the incredibly rare times I need to touch base for financial reasons only, he is generally quick to respond.  So I thought he would follow this MLC behavior.  The bottom line was it was a bunch of excuses.  A guy can send a text from the toilet with one hand, so he really could have found the time.  He was just wrapped up in himself, and honestly, not a priority.

The losing hope is different.  I think it is acceptance of who I married and a pattern of behavior as a runner.  I think it is genuinely accepting that he has scars from a difficult childhood that I didn't understand.  Based on who he is - and was in the marriage - he will never stop running, or it is very unlikely.  The difference was that in the marriage, I lived behind the mask with him, so I never noticed.  It wasn't until he threw me in the garbage, put up a big wall, that I saw how broken and emotional stunted he is.  Facing my truth - not what I want to happen - but really facing the truth of "what is" has been physically and emotionally overwhelming the past month or so.  Pain doesn't feel good, but it is a transformer.  And, of course, I am not planning on texting again.  I am back to focusing on what I need to do this week to get me up another step of the ladder.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #57 on: April 28, 2019, 03:27:21 PM »
Quote
called a girlfriend and said that he showed empathy, and she asked why that made me upset, and I said because he seems to be working on himself and, if he becomes a better version, she benefits - I don't.  I got the monster and the betrayal.  She will get the emotionally mature guy that will work on a relationship instead of run
It won’t go like this at all.   The relationship will eventually fail and when it does, the MLCer still has a lot of work to do to become a healthy person.  It’s a relationship based on infatuation/limerance and then the addiction to the dopamine that accompanies it.  The relationship also somehow serves a purpose in the crisis.  It can take years to end but mostly all eventually do.  There is no real love behind MLC relationships.  You had the best version of your h for 20 yrs.   All she will ever have is the messed up MLC version. 

Quote
Now, it is more clear, and  I have lost hope, and I am in pain because I am love sick all over again."  The hope is no longer there, and although I don't think I am resisting, it is just a new level of grief.
I got worse before I got better too, after letting go.   I was surprised at how much emotional pain bubbled up and it actually confirmed to me that standing, waiting, watching, hoping, expectations all had the effect of delaying my healing.   But I had snapped, had enough and that was it, done.    The decision to let go hurts bad, but it’s so worth it!

« Last Edit: April 28, 2019, 03:30:52 PM by Anon »

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #58 on: April 28, 2019, 03:48:37 PM »
Quote
called a girlfriend and said that he showed empathy, and she asked why that made me upset, and I said because he seems to be working on himself and, if he becomes a better version, she benefits - I don't.  I got the monster and the betrayal.  She will get the emotionally mature guy that will work on a relationship instead of run
It won’t go like this at all.   The relationship will eventually fail and when it does, the MLCer still has a lot of work to do to become a healthy person.  It’s a relationship based on infatuation/limerance and then the addiction to the dopamine that accompanies it.  The relationship also somehow serves a purpose in the crisis.  It can take years to end but mostly all eventually do.  There is no real love behind MLC relationships.  You had the best version of your h for 20 yrs.   All she will ever have is the messed up MLC version. 


Yep--I totally agree. But I must confess I do the same thing. Imagining the two of them living it up--the life that I had. I mean, I am pretty sure they party a lot. Like the high schoolers they are. But ultimately, their relationship is built on lies and deception. How can that ever be a good thing? She will never trust him. And she shouldn't.

Hugs friend. Letting go seems to be in the air. You are inspiring me to do the same.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #59 on: April 28, 2019, 05:04:17 PM »
Thanks Anon and Kit:  It was encouraging to hear that sometimes you get worse before better.  I am curious to see how long it takes to feel better and start to feel results.  I don't know Kit - my H (still can't refer to him as ex-H) is living an amazing life and has taken her all over the world with his job.  I was suppose to be the co-pilot and be retired by now so I would have the time.  She retired after they hooked up, so hooray for her, she can go first class to all the exciting places I have never been too.  LBSers are like the spouse who put his/her partner through medical or law school, and then when he/she starts making real money, off they go with a nurse or secretary.  No one said life was fair.  Be careful Kit.  I remember the frustration of wanting it to be over, but when it actually is, it will come close to destroying you.  There is nothing like having to check the divorce box at a doctors appt, when you have checked married for 25 years.  It is surreal, and gut wrenching.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #60 on: April 29, 2019, 02:18:30 AM »
I’m only a year and a half or so into this. But one thing I do know is, they will give the image they are living the life of Riley. But the reality is very different. In my case I told Ow my H had cheated on her with me. I sent her “evidence”. Did the lot. Two weeks later they go to Paris and she posts the most loved up photos. Giving the image of “look how in love we are” yet I know they would have argued 1 hell of a lot. They like to pretend that on the surface everything is okay. But we all know it’s not 
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #61 on: April 29, 2019, 05:18:28 AM »
I did the same sach, sent evidence. Just made her more determined. I think it became a win at all costs thing for ow. I didn’t want to play the who can win him.
“ the the top prize ladies is a broken, ageing, health failing alien! “

No thanks xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #62 on: April 29, 2019, 05:46:41 AM »
I did the same sach, sent evidence. Just made her more determined. I think it became a win at all costs thing for ow. I didn’t want to play the who can win him.
“ the the top prize ladies is a broken, ageing, health failing alien! “

No thanks xx

Exactly....

First prize is....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #63 on: April 29, 2019, 06:15:17 AM »
Shining. I honestly have found that there are layers of letting go, accepting and grief about each one. The grief gets smaller and doesn't last quite as long or overwhelm you quite so much...but it is like an onion. And it can be triggered by the smallest things sometimes. I am writing this from the hospital bc my mother is ill and it feels so wrong to know that the person who was her sil, who she loved very much, will not care. She and all those years of love and support, when his own family were so s$itty to him, is as irrelevant as I am. And I feel angry about that bc my parents deserved better from him and he promised my father literally on his deathbed that he would support us both. Big promise to break and he should feel deeply ashamed every time he has lunch with his new set of in laws...

I suspect the reality is neither as fantastic or as awful as we imagine it to be. I'm sure there is a time when the ow feels she has 'won' bc she got what she wanted and feels that this proves how special she is or how special their 'true love' is. But actually she needs to keep being the perfect magic fix bc our spouses created destruction, chaos and pain to 'get' her....as time goes by, the pressure on her to be worth it must grow I suspect. And all relationships have their banal bits and life pressures....it isn't all FB memes is it? I also suspect ow always feel threatened bc they know that they 'won' a pretty poor quality version of our spouse...and we have decades of shared history which will take decades to replace....tbh almost certainly they are a version we would not have married and who is honestly no longer good enough for who we are.

But reality gets another sweep round when we hit the 'enough' point, I know, and it sucks. But please remember that the very worst is behind you now. You survived that and you will get through this bit too.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2019, 06:17:12 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #64 on: April 29, 2019, 07:44:58 AM »
Treasur, I’m sorry your mum is ill. I hope she recovers as well as possible soon. Sorry to post here but o was unable to post on your thread. Thoughts and prayers with you xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #65 on: April 29, 2019, 07:52:34 AM »
Treasur:  I am so very sorry to hear about your mom.  I understand as I also dealt with almost a mirror picture of what you are going through - including H promising to take care of me forever.  Sending my prayers for you and your family.

Sach, Rising and Treasur:  Thank you for your support.  Focusing on me today.....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #66 on: April 29, 2019, 08:07:05 AM »
Rising - that is the issue. I suppose at the time I was assuming I was dealing with a normal decent human being. Yuno cos I snooped on her Instagram and saw “strong women don’t put up with a mans BS” “there’s not a man alive that’s entitled to treat you like sh!t” “it’s better to be alone than with an ar$eho!e” so silly old sacha straight out or BD school THOUGHT that i was dealing with a normal human that would say “Nope F that. I’m not going there. Goodbye”. I mean I can see why she wants so desperately to win. I mean, in her case she has “won” a man that was sleeping with his ex for almost a year. A man that constantly “pops in” on his ex. A man that can leave his ex alone. A man that has 3 kids and doesn’t want anymore whilst you have none. A man that lives in his mums box room. A man that can’t contribute financially cos he’s paying all his ex’s bills. I mean, hold me back. This is a competition i need to be in 🙄

Unfortunately there’s no reasoning with these Fakebook lives.

Treas - so sorry to hear about your mum! I’m wishing her a speedy recovery.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #67 on: April 29, 2019, 11:58:41 AM »
Shining, I am not as far out as you - it will only be two years in June, but these last few months I feel like hope is keeping me from healing but I cannot give up hope yet. Without hope I would wilt and wither away it feels, so for now I will cling to hope.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #68 on: April 30, 2019, 06:56:38 AM »
66:  I wouldn't give up hope at your stage.  It is all too new.  You are still in the shock and awe phase, and the idea of hope - I assume - is what gets you out of bed each morning.  My situation is different because my BD was early 2014, although I think the affair began in 2013.  He has only pulled farther away as a "couple."  He divorced me.  I know that he still cares, but he puts himself first and, I suppose, her second - with the kids and me in last place.  I have been in pain for so long that my only course of action for survival is to move on, which I do with the saddest heart.  I have been crippled by the depth of betrayal and changed forever.  BUT, and this is the important part - I want a beautiful healthy life which will include another relationship at some point.  So, you keep your hope.  If I could change things for you, I would.  I have a little book I carry every day.  It is a collection of positive quotes/messages I have seen over the past few years.  One is very appropriate for you at your stage of this journey - "Keep showing up, expect a miracle long after everyone else gets practical."  Do your best to focus on your own needs and let him do his thing... only the Universe will know the eventual outcome. 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #69 on: May 13, 2019, 11:52:02 AM »
After he divorced me, I went out and bought a beautiful diamond band that I wear on my middle index finger.  It was to symbolize and remind me that I loved myself the most.  I wear it every day, and in an odd way, it makes me stronger.  One of the sad parts of the divorce was that I was no longer able to wear my beautiful rings - so I took the initiative to take care of myself.

Well, I don't know how - but I lost it over the weekend.  It wouldn't have fallen off, so I must have set it down, which is weird because I am so careful with it.  But, I can't find it, and I have retraced my steps.  I have one more place to look tonight when I get home. 

Here is the really strange screwed up part of it all.  Before I realized it was lost, I asked the Universe for a sign as to what my path should be.  I was in pain and I just said " I surrender to whatever road I am suppose to go down - including a road without my H."  So when I can't find the ring, I get in my head that it is a sign that I don't need my own ring because maybe I will get to wear MY rings again - maybe he is coming home.  Yup - crazy!  I have been working very hard to let go of hope and to put myself back together post divorce and it has a way of sneaking up on you.  I don't really think that my losing my ring means he is coming home, but that is how much despair I live in - that I grab onto something so small.  I thought I had made more progress, and bam - right back into the hoping and wanting....  These MLCers really do damage to us. 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #70 on: May 13, 2019, 12:39:51 PM »
My friend says that this is how we know it’s different to a normal breakup. If you and your H had divorced under any circumstances. Odds are by now, you would be over it. However, and I know I was never married so I don’t have the heartbreak of divorce to go over but my lord your strength radiates through the forum. MLC isn’t a journey any of us would have picked but it can be the making of us equally. We all have bad days. I guess we cycle too.

As I was reading your post, I was going to say you loosing your ring could be a sign and then in a round about way you said it! I do genuinely believe in all these weird coincidences. It’s too much of a coincidence that you ask for a sign, and the one thing you treasure and are careful with goes missing? If it was something you were frequently loosing it wouldn’t matter so much but this is something your very careful with. So I see it as a sign or guiding you in the right direction!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #71 on: May 13, 2019, 01:13:46 PM »
Thanks Sach - I have spent five years thinking my "intuition" was telling me that he was coming home.  But, I recently wrote - after the one year anniversary of the D - that I thought my intuition was wrong and what I was feeling was actually hope - which I was finally releasing and letting go.  In a nut shell, it has taken me 5 years since BD to accept that he isn't coming home, that it is over, that I can date (went out on a coffee date and that was it - but it is a start) and then I get sad and confused all over again --- and I don't have my beautiful ring.  Well, I think the moral of the story is that I need to keep going with my plans to improve myself and my life, to take the focus off of him completely, to have more coffee dates if I choose, and to keep trying to find myself again - find some joy every day - and let the Universe worry about what my future is.... 

Silly story about the coffee date.  I met a stranger for coffee off of one of the "zoo" sites.  I feel like an animal in the zoo as people look at my profile, so I call it a zoo.  My secretary calls it the swamp.  Either way, you get the idea that I hate being on it and I have never agreed to meet anyone.  Anyway, I finally decide to meet this guy.  I had three qualifications - he had to be taller than me (petty I know), normal looking (not perfect or even close - just normal) and he had to be educated.  Otherwise, I was open.  I get to the coffee house early because I am nervous and I want to pick out where we will sit.  I order my coffee and wait.  He comes in and gets coffee.  The chit chat is going fine, no breaks in the conversation.  It all seems ok, until he bolts upright, and says he has to leave.  I look at him - like, are you kidding me?  He asks if I have an umbrella - it is raining.  I give him the most annoyed look and tell him that I am not leaving - I intend to finish my coffee.  He says "ok" and LITERALLY runs out.  I was like the WTF happened?  The consensus in my office is that I made him nervous, he had an emergency stomach issue, or he just wasn't in to me.  He stayed a total of 36 minutes.  What is weird is that he is still sending me messages about how much he enjoyed our time together, and one liners like "how was your day."  I know I haven't dated in 25 years, but I am pretty sure this is strange behavior, so I am not responding.  Whatever the reason for the mad dash out of the coffeehouse, if really interested, he should have sent a message later saying "hey, I apologize - I didn't feel well and had to leave.  Can I buy you dinner to make up for my rudeness?"  That to me makes sense, not a "how was day" after running off.  As I am leaving the coffee house, I am cussing at my H because it is his fault that I have to put myself out there to try to date, and it really was lousy of my H to break all of his vows and promises and leave me.  Another layer of being angry at him.....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #72 on: May 13, 2019, 01:33:06 PM »
For what it’s worth I totally agree that you should continue working on you. Doing things for you, whatever they may be. Even if you return home one day H is on the door step and he’s fully cooked. I think that’s the one thing I’ve learnt. My gut tells me my Clington will return, but what scares me is how bad things will get before he does. Will Ow get pregnant? Will something bad happen!? I try not to worry about it. I focus on one day. Is he home today? No. Okay we’re doing sacha today. And that’s how I work it. Even if/when he’s home I’ll continue working on myself. For myself.

I think that date is VERY strange. I also agree he could have explained himself. But then again it’s experience. You’ve got your first date out the way and they will only get easier and easier.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Milly

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #73 on: May 14, 2019, 01:15:43 AM »
Shining, I'm so sorry about your beautiful ring, especially since you bought it as a gift to yourself to encourage yourself. I do hope it will pop up in time. Maybe try not to hoover for a while.

The coffee date man definitely a weirdo. Something suspicious about him. Maybe someone entered the coffee bar who would recognize him? He wasn't supposed to be there?

We have the same time line, and I also believed for a long time that my H would come home. I thought I 'knew' it would happen, I was certain, so I completely understand your feelings.  Now, I'm no longer certain of anything. My hope can get raised easily, but I'm working on accepting it's over and he will not be coming back. I feel I need to think this way for my sanity.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #74 on: May 14, 2019, 02:10:24 AM »
Quote from: Shining Star
Well, I think the moral of the story is that I need to keep going with my plans to improve myself and my life, to take the focus off of him completely, to have more coffee dates if I choose, and to keep trying to find myself again - find some joy every day - and let the Universe worry about what my future is....

EXACTLY CORRECT! This IS what the LBS has to focus on, not the shenanigans of the Mid-Lifer.....

I too am sorry about the missing ring. Those things can be quite a setback, especially if it was something that held meaning for us, never mind value.....

My take on the coffee date is along the same line as Milly... Someone appeared who he did NOT want to be seen by: GF, xGF, W, xW, brother/child of any of the aforementioned, whatever... Someone that he could not risk being seen by... Maybe his boss or a coworker because he was skipping out of work?  Who knows... Oddballs abound on dating sites...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #75 on: May 14, 2019, 03:30:01 PM »
I mean, just the fact that he is not saying anything about his abrupt exit tells me Mr. Coffee-Date has some issues. But good to get out there. Have to start somewhere. Even if it is with a complete lunatic.   ;)

Yuck--so sorry about the ring though. I hate losing a cheap earring so I would be utterly distraught.

You will get there my friend. We all will. Hugs to you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Gettingbackup

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #76 on: May 14, 2019, 04:49:55 PM »
Ahh Shining my lovely... I don't think your asking the Universe and putting that meaning behind the losing of your ring is silly. It sounds very much like something I would do, I understand that.  At one point of this journey I started reading meaning into pamphlets Jehovah Witnesses kept shoving me. "Have Faith" = Oh great he's coming home!

NOT.

I think you should ask the Universe whether it's time to buy a new ring.

Your coffee date story gave me a giggle. It does sound like he had a dodgy tummy, or perhaps saw someone he didn't want to be seen by. Did he pop out of work to meet you or something? I like how you kept your cool when Weirdo McWeirdo ran off.  I'll remember that poise when I start meeting people.
M42 exH 40 | Met 2001 | Married 2003 | BD1 May 2016 | Final BD Nov 2016 | OW1&2 EAs in 2009. Separated 2 months.
S6 born 2013. Cancer and lost baby 2014.
OW3 PA Dec 2015-May 2016. OW3 broke it off. | OW4 PA from July 2016. OB in March 2019.
Divorce final May 2019.

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #77 on: May 14, 2019, 04:52:40 PM »
Interesting thought that rude coffee man saw someone that he knew - that would explain the marathon sprint out the door -- and my hair was cute that day, so it couldn't possibly have been me :)

I saw a - new - old therapist this morning before work.  She was my original one years ago when all this started.  She was the one I dragged H too when he started acting weird - before BD.  I stopped going to her because I just got tired of talking and not feeling better.  After he left, I went through 2 more therapists and a life coach.  The other day I texted her out of the blue and just said I still felt sad and wondered if that was weird.  She fit me in her schedule early this morning.  She thought it was perfectly normal that I am still finding my way, and that the D anniversary was a set back.  She said no one can understand that hasn't walked in our shoes.  They mean well, but it is a waste of time to expect comfort anymore.  She thinks all the crazy tears and hugs and I love you was all H's attempt to relieve his guilt, which we have discussed here before.  She said I shouldn't be his friend, that I need to leave him to figure out his own issues.  She thought it was good not to have texted him on his birthday.  That was hard for me so glad I made the right decision.  I was glad to be back in her office.  So, the moral of the story is that -even five years out from BD, and one year out from D - is not long enough to have fully healed and that I am on the right course.  Anyone sad tonight because they think it is taking too long to heal - know that you are normal.  We can't cruelly drop the ones we loved, like they did to us, because we are emotionally healthy and that is why our journey takes a long time.  In the end, we will thrive.  Don't judge yourself because it is taking you a long time to reach the end - it will happen when you are ready -- and that will be the perfect amount of time needed.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #78 on: May 14, 2019, 04:57:11 PM »
Hi Getting:  I was posting at the same time you were sending me a message.  I see you were divorced this month.  I am so sorry.  No magic answer - be kind to yourself and let your mind and body heal slowly.  I know it is not a club you wanted to ever belong too.  Hugs!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #79 on: May 15, 2019, 10:40:22 AM »
We can't cruelly drop the ones we loved, like they did to us, because we are emotionally healthy and that is why our journey takes a long time.  In the end, we will thrive.  Don't judge yourself because it is taking you a long time to reach the end - it will happen when you are ready -- and that will be the perfect amount of time needed.

Bam girl--you got it!  Also, I saw your comment in Milly's thread about your H seeming to be living his ideal life. Not that is matters of course but.....in light of what you wrote above, all of that will come back to him some day, assuming he does ever become the person you once knew, or at least a slightly different, but not cruel, version thereof. He is still running.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #80 on: May 15, 2019, 11:47:48 AM »
Oh Kit - that man is running - and running hard!  My hope is fading that he will ever look back.  It just isn't his style.  But, and this is huge, I do think I have had a brain shift and am starting to understand that I really need to focus on me - for real - not just going through the motions.  That is growth, which has been so turtle slow.  I am looking forward to meeting you in Italy so we can compare notes.  We will need lots of wine :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #81 on: May 15, 2019, 05:09:36 PM »
Umm,,, do you think I could get in on the 'comparing notes' meeting?   You know,,, the one with lots of wine?

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #82 on: May 16, 2019, 02:32:24 AM »
Anon:  Absolutely - now we have a party, and I see us belly laughing at the insane stories instead of tears...
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #83 on: May 20, 2019, 07:44:36 PM »
Attaching
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #84 on: June 03, 2019, 12:52:34 PM »
It is astonishing how long it takes to heal from the betrayal.  It is astonishing that he had the capability of betraying me at the level he did - that his loyalty became the OW, not me - that he protected the OW, not me.  That he looked me in the face, after I asked him whether he had told her about a private matter, and he said yes, because he didn't want to lie to her.  All the while he lied to me.  It is so ironic.

I am monkey braining because I have had a lot of recent contact.  I went NC over a year and a half ago for self preservation and to get off the roller coaster, and have had almost no contact during that time.  Recent events have led us to have contact for financial reasons - one last item post divorce. 

My kids came to see me with the baby.  I love seeing them, but it is also painful because he is still missed by us when we all get together.  I had a moment one morning where I thought I couldn't - literally - stand the pain.  It came over me while we were drinking coffee, but had started the night before after one of the girls had some wine and started talking about her father and the OW, and a joint family vacation that HE was trying to plan.  I guess after all these years, he is trying to blend his kids with OW's kids.  Anyway, it was a gut punch and still bothered me the next morning.  So, I excused myself and went upstairs and laid down in a ball and said to the Universe - I completely give up.  I don't know how to move through the pain, and I am not getting any better.  Please help me find another way.  Afterwards, I showered, got all pretty, and headed out for a day with the kids and the baby.  While we were out, I rec'd a text from him.  It wasn't expected, and since we all felt the hole of him not being with us, and my breakdown in the morning - I guess it changed my mood.  When we were at lunch, both the kids looked at me and said "why are you upset?"  I told them about the text.  My youngest daughter said she didn't understand why I hadn't blocked him, and that no way should I return his text.  She is 26, and angry.  Later in the day, the girls were shopping and I was waiting for them.  I picked up my phone and called him.  First time in a year and a half - at least.  I kept the conversation short, but told him about our visit, asked how he was, chatted for a few minutes, and then hung up.  I can't tell you exactly why I called other than the NC takes a lot of negative energy for me.  It doesn't stop me from thinking about him, and I just decided that maybe I needed to handle things a new way.  Let go of the anger, hate, venom without punishment.  The worst thing that will happen is that he will think that I am his friend.  I have fought this for so long.  How dare he tell anyone that I am ok with the way I was treated.  But after laying on the bedroom floor and begging the Universe for an answer, I realized that I can't control what he does or says, and the way that I have been handling it appears to only be hurting me.

This morning, he called me about the financial matter and I chatted about how people were doing, etc.  He made a conscious effort to not mention OW at all.  He would tell me he went to a graduation party, but didn't mention that he wasn't alone.  I really don't get why he still finds the need to play games.  He has made his choice, he blew up our life, he divorced me, he has been with her for years, he is now actively trying to engage the kids with her kids, and yet, he completely hides her from me.  But, it is not my problem and I made a decision that if I didn't actively do NC, it didn't mean that I would call and hang out, etc.  It just meant that it was one more piece to let go, and if for some reason, we need to talk, I am not going to feel sick about it anymore.  His voice is the same - but different.  It feels like I am talking to a stranger.  It is very sad after such a long and happy marriage.     
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online Milly

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #85 on: June 03, 2019, 12:57:25 PM »
Shining, I can feel your pain. I'm sorry you're still having these moments of raw pain. NC might be the way to protect your heart. I know that when my oldest D comes over on holiday, I'm always scared she's going to mention my H and OW and things they do. And when she does, it lowers my mood terribly. I just don't want to hear it any more.

Maybe we need a little more time.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline heroIam

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #86 on: June 03, 2019, 01:27:11 PM »
SS.
I agree for your own protection of your beautiful heart, NC might work better for you.  And, I know how much you love the kids.  Maybe seeing them brings back too much for you right now......maybe keep the visits to a shorter time - just temporarily while you are healing?  I know when SS23 was visiting, it was a reminder for me and it hurt all over again.  We have to do what will work for us and what will help us heal.  Contact with my H puts me back, but I do come out of it a bit quicker now.  And the reason why your XH may not speak about OW is because he, in his own weird, distorted way, is trying to not hurt you.  (as if that really matters after all the s**t ) but I truly believe that is the reason.  My H doesn't mention OW at all.  Trust me, if he did, I'd have to respectfully let him know not to do that again.   IL's don't mention her and neither does SS23.  And I believe it is just out of respect for me.  And frankly, I don't want to hear about her.  Firetruck her.  If they did mention her,  I would tell any of them to please not mention her, her name or anything about her to me.   Acceptance or not, she has no place in my life.

In any case, I'm glad you had a nice time with your daughters.  It sounds to me like they love you to the moon and back.  Your history and your presence with them will carry with them throughout their lives, and that is something this OW doesn't have.
Warm hugs to you my friend.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #87 on: June 03, 2019, 04:17:29 PM »
Hi Milly and Hero:  Thank you for the support.  This is such a long road for all of us, and so painful.  I am so happy we all have each other.  xo
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #88 on: June 03, 2019, 05:39:18 PM »
"It is astonishing how long it takes to heal from the betrayal.  It is astonishing that he had the capability of betraying me at the level he did - that his loyalty became the OW, not me - that he protected the OW, not me. 
  It is truly unbelievable.  And yes, what appears to be loyalty to the ow just adds salt to the wound.  Loyalty to her would be a stretch I think.   He isn't capable of loyalty unless it serves one of his selfish purposes.   If he was disloyal to you, his wife, he is capable of disloyalty to anyone.
That he looked me in the face, after I asked him whether he had told her about a private matter, and he said yes, because he didn't want to lie to her.  All the while he lied to me.  It is so ironic.  Similar experiences to this with my h too.  tbh,, I would be surprised if he didn't tell her all about me, mostly the flaws, imperfections and personal struggles.   They think these ow are their soul mates and they feel it's okay saying whatever to them, even our personal stuff.   I remember that awareness that she probably knew more about me than even my best friend (after my h) did.   It was horrifying and felt like a personal violation of some kind,,, still does actually. 

I am monkey braining because I have had a lot of recent contact.  I went NC over a year and a half ago for self preservation and to get off the roller coaster, and have had almost no contact during that time.  Recent events have led us to have contact for financial reasons - one last item post divorce.  It sounds like you white knuckled through the year and a half of NC.   Looking back was N/C easier or harder on you, do you think?   My h is in very frequent contact with me which I think has, surprisingly, helped me gradually pull away and detach.  I see the ongoing deterioration and negative impact MLC is having on him and I can also see my own gradual growth and improvement in contrast.   The gap between us pretty wide now and I hate to say it but he just seems like no one I would want really want to get to know at all.  He looks the same but he just isn't the same.    If I had been N/C for the last couple of years then I wouldn't have had the opportunity to realize any of this. 

My kids came to see me with the baby.  I love seeing them, but it is also painful because he is still missed by us when we all get together.  I had a moment one morning where I thought I couldn't - literally - stand the pain.  It came over me while we were drinking coffee, but had started the night before after one of the girls had some wine and started talking about her father and the OW, and a joint family vacation that HE was trying to plan.  Oh boy,,,I hate this too and my h is always trying to set up family gathering type things so they can meet and hang out with his ow.   They have no interest but I have to admit it hurts that he even tries.   In the end I think it's just another thing to get over especially if we are no longer hopeful and standing.   I guess after all these years, he is trying to blend his kids with OW's kids.  Anyway, it was a gut punch and still bothered me the next morning.  So, I excused myself and went upstairs and laid down in a ball and said to the Universe - I completely give up.  I don't know how to move through the pain, and I am not getting any better.  Please help me find another way.  Very healthy response to pain.   I do something similar when I pray.   I don't just ask God for help with a problem, I give it ALL to him and tell him I'm done, please take over.  Then I pray for detachment while he handles it.    I can't tell you the benefit this has been and is for me everytime I do this.   The peace that follows is undeniable.   Afterwards, I showered, got all pretty, and headed out for a day with the kids and the baby.  While we were out, I rec'd a text from him.  It wasn't expected, and since we all felt the hole of him not being with us, and my breakdown in the morning - I guess it changed my mood.  When we were at lunch, both the kids looked at me and said "why are you upset?"  I told them about the text.  My youngest daughter said she didn't understand why I hadn't blocked him, and that no way should I return his text.  She is 26, and angry.  Later in the day, the girls were shopping and I was waiting for them.  I picked up my phone and called him.  First time in a year and a half - at least.  I kept the conversation short, but told him about our visit, asked how he was, chatted for a few minutes, and then hung up.  I can't tell you exactly why I called other than the NC takes a lot of negative energy for me.  It doesn't stop me from thinking about him, and I just decided that maybe I needed to handle things a new way.  Let go of the anger, hate, venom without punishment.  I like that you did this, SS.   I think NC for me would be energy draining too.   I would like one day to be fully comfortable with my h and anyone else like I would if we had never been married and if this MLC had not torn apart my world.  That's not to say I will seek out his company (I won't) but if we wind up in the same room it won't be a big deal.  I'm part way there but believe it or not he is quite a way behind.   He's fairly uncomfortable most of the time while I'm scratching my head thinking why, before shrugging it off and ignoring it.  The worst thing that will happen is that he will think that I am his friend.  I have fought this for so long.  How dare he tell anyone that I am ok with the way I was treated.  If he tried to tell anyone that they wouldn't likely believe it.  It's so MLCish to say stuff like that.  But after laying on the bedroom floor and begging the Universe for an answer, I realized that I can't control what he does or says, and the way that I have been handling it appears to only be hurting me.  Are you able to try some limited contact without actually pursuing?  or having expectations?  I don't think it's a bad idea to try for a way to relate that's okay for you both.   One hurdle you might have though is are your D's.   They seem very protective of you and they may be horrified if you try to resume anything with him but the white knuckled silence of the last year and a half.  My SD is like this but is a bit better now. 
This morning, he called me about the financial matter and I chatted about how people were doing, etc.  He made a conscious effort to not mention OW at all.  He would tell me he went to a graduation party, but didn't mention that he wasn't alone.  I really don't get why he still finds the need to play games.  I don't think these are games.   My h is the same way and I think he's a bit ashamed of himself and how he left the marriage.   They know what they did was horrible and wrong, and any mention to us of the ow even in the most casual way is embarrassing to him.   My take fwiw.   He has made his choice, he blew up our life, he divorced me, he has been with her for years, he is now actively trying to engage the kids with her kids, and yet, he completely hides her from me.  But, it is not my problem and I made a decision that if I didn't actively do NC, it didn't mean that I would call and hang out, etc.  It just meant that it was one more piece to let go, and if for some reason, we need to talk, I am not going to feel sick about it anymore. YES - just like this! His voice is the same - but different.  It feels like I am talking to a stranger.  You are.  It is very sad after such a long and happy marriage."   It sure is,,, but try not to dwell there much longer.   Find a final, symbolic way to say good-bye to your H as you knew him, your M, and to who you were back then.  Acceptance is so difficult without this final goodbye.    Then focus your eyes on the path going forward - everything good that is waiting for you to enjoy is there.  You just have to choose the forward path as your direction

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #89 on: June 04, 2019, 11:49:51 AM »
Anon:  Thank you for taking so much time to read my posting and provide such insightful answers.  You know the quote by Einstein - something about if you keep doing the same thing over and over and get negative results - you are an idiot??  I think Einstein's version was better, but my point is that NC for a year and a half did not heal me.  It took so much energy to maintain NC, and to maintain it, I had to stay quietly angry and resentful.  What a drag on my energy stream every single day.  I won't initiate contact.  We don't have much to discuss, but I have now spoken to him several times because of the financial matter, and I am starting to feel like myself during the calls.  I can't change him, but I can put myself  back together.  NC, for me, kept too much focus on him.  I agree, that seeing him for a coffee, might make me glad that I am not still part of his circus!  Seeing him or contact by phone might be just the medicine I need :) 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #90 on: June 04, 2019, 01:08:11 PM »
As they say Shining, you have to do what is best for YOU.  And now lesson learned. This wasn't one of those tactics that will serve you.

As far as it taking a long time to heal from betrayal, you are right! But also, in your case, your H was playing you, like all clingers do, for a long time. Didn't he dramatically jump out of a cab to give you a giant hug on the day your D was final or signed? I mean, come on! Who does that. That is the ultimate mindf#ck. Don't underestimate the effects it has on us. 

Anyway, I am always in favor of more normalized relations, especially when there are kids (even adult ones) involved. And you are feeling more normalized now so that is great. But hey, imagine how HE must feel on those calls. LOL. I'm sure there is a trip to the bathroom shortly thereafter. Every. Single. Time.   

Hugs friend. You really are so much better than you were before, even if you don't feel it yourself.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #91 on: June 04, 2019, 05:10:58 PM »
Yes Kit - the famous jumping out of a moving cab.  You forgot the part where he was crying and whispering in my ear how much he loved me as he hugged me.  Then - just as fast - he jumped in his cab and left to go see OW.  That really screwed me up for awhile.  Very confusing.

Do you really think that it makes him nervous to talk to me?  Why?  I am just that woman who he thought wasn't good enough for him.....  Little do they realize that we are the strong ones, and they are weak.  During their crisis, and maybe afterwards, they aren't good enough for us.  We rock!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #92 on: June 05, 2019, 04:21:03 AM »
Shining. I’ve got a clingy clinger. So I really do feel your pain. It’s EXHAUSTING. We often spend weekends at my mums caravan purely because my oldest is 7 and it’s on a haven site. It couldn’t be more perfect. But also when not around Clington is silent. No calls no texts. So I get breathing space. I u derstand how NC long term can make you feel drained. My children are 7 5 and 2 so no contact doesn’t work but I take NC for the few days I can when I can. You really are doing great!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Bailmor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #93 on: June 06, 2019, 06:29:36 AM »
Do you really think that it makes him nervous to talk to me?  Why?  I am just that woman who he thought wasn't good enough for him.....  Little do they realize that we are the strong ones, and they are weak.  During their crisis, and maybe afterwards, they aren't good enough for us.  We rock!

One word, Shining.  GUILT!  The guilt they feel is something they can’t get a handle on and deal with.  An uneasy feeling every time they see us reminds them of what they did.  Don’t know how they sleep at night but I can say that now that things are getting to somewhat normal now, I can sleep soundly without this heavy burden on my mind.

Keep doing what you are doing and things will fall into place in no time!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline heroIam

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #94 on: June 06, 2019, 08:48:34 AM »
One thing I do agree with is they do seem to have Guilt, and also Shame.
Hard to believe they do experience either of these feelings since they appear to be just carrying on as if life is good and us LBS's are over it and just moving on now...…. ::)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Milly

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #95 on: June 06, 2019, 02:44:16 PM »
Interesting discussion. I believe that until the MLCer finds the strength to try to repair the damage he's created, he's going to feel uncomfortable in the presence of the LBS. She/he reminds him of what he did to his family. That feelings must be so bad that he prefers to lose his family (OW), destroy all their finances (shopping, spending, MLC toys, foreclosure/bankruptcy) rather than face the LBS and start sorting themselves out.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #96 on: June 06, 2019, 03:27:58 PM »
Quote
I agree, that seeing him for a coffee, might make me glad that I am not still part of his circus!  Seeing him or contact by phone might be just the medicine I need :) 

It just might be, SS.    In the early days (up to the 1st year), I really looked forward to seeing him but it many ways it made my pain worse.   Then 2nd year, I made an effort to limit contact and only when necessary.   That hasn't been a complete success but the frequency and duration of contact did go down.   There are still many unnecessary contacts imo,,, all initiated by him.   

Interestingly, over the last year, every time I see him I am slightly repulsed (combo of things) and he seems a bit uncomfortable for whatever reason which make the conversation a bit strained.   It's easier and more natural for both of us to talk on the phone than it is in person so phone conversations aren't as brief as they could be if it was all business chat.   When I see him though,  I want to keep it brief and get it over with without much chat.   

Yesterday,, lol.. I saw him and had to shake my head at what he was wearing.   Not that he didn't look okay or anything but it was clear he was only dressing to look cool, (hot?), attractive, desirable at the expense of being comfortable.   Not for my benefit or to impress me I'm sure but just because he's that cool, hot guy, you know? 
So it's after his work and he's home (a few blocks from me) and has changed out of his work clothes and is making his dinner.   He was going to drop off a plumbing part for me but I told him I would stop and pick it up from him later on my way home.   Normally in the summer he would be wearing shorts and a polo, but yesterday he came out wearing his butt hugging jeans that he thinks are so hot, and a dress shirt!  Long sleeves (he never liked or wore long sleeved shirts before bd), with the wide cuffs, not buttoned up but casually rolled up once.   A subtle check pattern in pinkish purplish.   This color does look good on him and he knows it but....it was sunny and hot and who dresses like that after work and to make dinner?   It would be like me putting on a dressy dress in my most flattering color, to lounge in after work on a hot summer day and then make dinner wearing it.  He was not expecting visitors either otherwise he wouldn't have said for me to drop by another night.   He wore it because he would rather look cool than be comfortable.   Comfy can look good too but when it's all about looks?  MLC anyone?   But anyway,,, there always seems to be something quite odd with him most times that I see him.   Add all those odd things up over time and the result is I am slightly repulsed by what I see.   I can't help but notice how much of the old him is just,,, gone.   So I'm missing the old guy less and less (he's been gone awhile) but not feeling anything at all for the new guy - you only get this perspective if you have contact once in awhile.   I can only wonder if my detachment would have been so complete if I had NC over the last 18 months.   I would not have seen all that I have that reassures me I'm not missing out anything where he's concerned.   

So contact in your case may do the same for you but you'll never know if you stay NC.


Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #97 on: June 06, 2019, 03:32:57 PM »
Quote
I believe that until the MLCer finds the strength to try to repair the damage he's created, he's going to feel uncomfortable in the presence of the LBS. She/he reminds him of what he did,,,,
Hi Milly - just read this seconds after my post here.   I mentioned my h is uncomfortable around me and I couldn't agree more.   The lbs is a trigger or reminder of the rotten things they've done, then they feel overwhelming guilt because what 'nice normal decent' person does stuff like that?  No nice normal decent person.... just jacka$$e$. 

Offline Upintheair

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #98 on: June 06, 2019, 04:19:38 PM »
I feel so much the same too SS! If we meet for a coffee, if we send some texts to each other, I feel good. There is no expectation or hope in me so he comes back, but I just relax. That's it. Poison or medicine, but it heals me for a short time.
Upintheair
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline sachat3

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #99 on: June 07, 2019, 09:22:40 AM »
I don’t know if Clington feels awkward around me but I know hw can’t spend a lot time in the house. So I suppose that’s similar.

Clington always dresses VERY strange so I know what you mean. He went from being a skinny Jean and T-shirt kinda guy to luminous yellow tracksuits. Strange
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #100 on: June 07, 2019, 01:04:54 PM »
Quote
I believe that until the MLCer finds the strength to try to repair the damage he's created, he's going to feel uncomfortable in the presence of the LBS. She/he reminds him of what he did,,,,
Hi Milly - just read this seconds after my post here.   I mentioned my h is uncomfortable around me and I couldn't agree more.   The lbs is a trigger or reminder of the rotten things they've done, then they feel overwhelming guilt because what 'nice normal decent' person does stuff like that?  No nice normal decent person.... just jacka$$e$.

And actually, I spoke with a previous HS member who is reconnecting now, and she mentioned that her H told her he didn't want to see her or their D b/c they BOTH reminded him of the past, which was what he was trying so hard to forget. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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