Author Topic: My Story The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer  (Read 2456 times)

Offline Onward

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My Story Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2019, 12:03:20 AM »
Hi SS.

Don't underestimate how much the Notre Dame fire may have stirred up a lot of subconscious memories. I, too, have very fond memories of Paris, and the past two days have been tough.

Be gentle on yourself about the restlessness, too. The grief process is a cyclical one, not linear. We really don't get from point A to point B in a straight line. I know I still have plenty of days when the initial shock feelings come back. They just don't last quite as long, or set me back quite so far.

Good for you for reaching out in a way that was direct. The fact your alimony was late was probably also troubling you, both consciously and unconsciously.

It was a pleasant exchange. And now you know he was thinking about you.

And you are thinky, too.

Remember time is your friend, and gift yourself with some kindness.
I don't think you are actually stuck. I think you are just a little tender as you peel open another layer of healing, and growing. And that's perfectly OK.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2019, 02:59:16 AM »
Thank you Onward for letting me know that, although yesterday was rough, I may still be ok.  I get scared when I have a day like that.  I get frustrated that I am still healing, and well, we can see that he is fine.  Trying not to monkey brain but I am sure the OW was with him.  I know I shouldn't compare but -- wow, I was almost dying yesterday, and he was in Paris.  I can't believe this is my life and I can't believe that I have let the D rock me to this level.  Starting today differently.  All ready up and been for a run on the treadmill.  Heading to work and have accupuncture tonight.  Also going to call some folks for the EMDR therapy to see if I can get an appointment.  Even on my worst day -- like yesterday -- I am always thinking about how to feel better.  There is still a fight in me.

H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2019, 06:02:46 AM »
Star, see - where there's a fight there is a will to live - you got this.
Did Acupuncture help you ? I don't have EMDR anywhere within driving distance so I thought about trying Acupuncture.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2019, 06:26:55 AM »
66:  I have been doing acupuncture for about a year.  I can't say it has helped because I still have that burning belly that I talked about yesterday.  BTW, after I saw the text that he was in Paris, I took a Xanax, which took the burning away immediately.  That is how I know that it is stress and not a medical issue like an ulcer.  Anyway, back to acupuncture -- I keep going because I really like the woman and it feels more like a therapy appt.  Plus, at the end, she gives me a nice massage.  So, it is a pleasant experience but I don't think it has helped break the stress.  That said, I know people who benefit from it, so you should try and see for yourself.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 06:35:00 AM »
Star, see - where there's a fight there is a will to live - you got this.
Did Acupuncture help you ? I don't have EMDR anywhere within driving distance so I thought about trying Acupuncture.

Agree with Shining that it is a trial and error thing. Acupuncture and yoga are useful, tapping can be useful too I believe. Basically tackling trauma through the body.

Could be worth getting in touch with your national EMDR organisation to talk about doing it virtually bc I know some people do that. Depends on how you feel I guess.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Bailmor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2019, 06:53:19 AM »
SS,

Sorry you are still feeling the effects of all this!  Nothing about this is easy.  It takes much time to truly get to a point of being comfortable and without any anxiety or depression.  Having been in this for over 9 years, I have finally found that I am taking my life and putting it first and foremost, along with my daughters. 

You are doing an outstanding job of keeping yourself busy and taking care of you physically.  Keep on your current path and things will pan out for you.  None of this is easy but going through it and growing as a result is necessary!  Take care!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2019, 10:23:55 AM »
Bailmor, it is great to hear from you.  So happy that things are better and more settled.  I, too, hope to get to that point.  I feel like the blow up doll/fixture (whatever you want to call it) at the car dealership.  I just keep getting blown over, but pop back up.  Always with the hope that I get farther down the road to success, which for me is acceptance, less pain and stress, and a full life with re-gained joy.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2019, 11:04:01 AM »
I can't believe that I have let the D rock me to this level. 

But this is what makes you, you. If it didn't affect you, then I would be worried.

I just keep getting blown over, but pop back up.  Always with the hope that I get farther down the road to success, which for me is acceptance, less pain and stress, and a full life with re-gained joy.

And there it is. Your attitude is what will propel you to your joy.  You are an amazing woman. Never forget that. You've been through the wringer and still come out fighting, and wanting to heal. H may be in Paris with someone else, but you can bet your presence is felt everywhere you shared a memory.  Shining Star is not easily forgotten. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2019, 12:48:34 PM »
Kit:  What an amazing message.  Thank you so much.  You had all the right words today.  I really hope once the burning belly subsides, I can start to re-build slowly.  Right now I just go to work and go home and crawl under the covers.  I want to get beyond this....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2019, 11:59:17 AM »
I think I had a revelation today about why I am so physically ill with the belly pains, anxiety and depression.  People say I am better, but I am not.  I am - literally - physically ill.  So, I was trying to figure out why.  I have been dealing with the trauma for years, and now divorced, so why now??  Ready for my Eureka moment ---  I don't believe any longer that he will come home.  I have really good intuition and am never wrong, and even through all my tears for the past few years, I ALWAYS thought that he would find his way home.  Even after the divorce, I still thought he would make it through the tunnel and come home.  But the one year anniversary of the divorce and the fact that I haven't seen him for a year and a half, has changed my intuition.  I don't think he will come home, and that has totally screwed me up.  At this point, we are essentially strangers and he has been with OW for years.  The same OW that he had the affair and left... remember he said that she was 100% and I was only 80%.  SO, how do I process this pain, and get unstuck.  I know that we can't read the future, but my gut -- which has been burning for weeks -- is telling me that I need to let my brain genuinely accept that he doesn't want me anymore.  Sure, he cares, but he doesn't find me attractive, he's not interested in sharing a life together, he doesn't want to vacation with me, blah, blah, blah.  I am not creating a problem, I am acknowledging what is in my subconscious that is making me so sick.  Now I need to figure out what to do to feel better.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

 

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