Author Topic: My Story The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer  (Read 1537 times)

Offline xyzcf

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My Story Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2019, 12:35:53 PM »
Hi Shining,

BD was in 2009, Aug 2017 I started seeing a Mind/Body therapist because  I felt stuck, MLCer divorced me without any warning June 2018 ( I was about ready to leave therapy)..in some ways, this affected me more deeply than BD! Glad I was still with my therapist..I had to start seeing her weekly for quite some time.

I continued with therapy and will soon be saying goodbye. I think I will be able to handle whatever else comes my way. She has told me that this type of work takes about 1 1/2 to 2 years to fully integrate into the person's brain. So I am on track timewsie.

But yes, I too have had a "burning belly" for several years. I had an endoscopy and the doctor asked after..how much stress are you under.? I searched for "diets" that help...eating oatmeal every day has helped..I only have 1 coffee a day and make a combination of Folger's smooth and Trader Joe's low acid, I avoid all citrus, alcohol doesn't help either and I take famatadine twice a day...can't seem to get off it.

The Mind/Body work has been fantastic. She helped me to understand that I was living in a state of fight/flight and freeze because my neural pathways, due to the trauma had turned on these settings permanently..anything now seemed like a "threat" to my physiology.

So, with some techniques to reprogram my nervous system, especially the vagal nerve, I have learned to stay more in what she terms the "green tree zone" and when I do get into a anxious/depressed/panicky mode I can return much more quickly than I once did.....so almost 10 years later, I am better.

The fire at Notre Dame also brought back memories of 2 trips we took to Paris and of our shared Catholic faith..he remembers too because we had been in communication and his response told me he very much remembers.

No matter, he isn't in my life, he doesn't want me in his and I have somehow "accepted this fact" much better than I once did.

Many, many of us have had the same physiological response to this trauma and that is in some ways reassuring....the physical symptoms are very real, and I fear that they have cost me both in my health and longitivtiy...but the body and mind is amazingly resilient and fortunately there are some therapies available that can help us to become whole again.

There are always going to be triggers...that annoys me now for no matter how well I am doing, a special occasion or something comes to my attention and causes that "pain" once again...this is so much work! To remain on top of the things I must do to maintain my equilibrium.

No little pill or magic wand I am afraid but a continuous quest to become whole pushes me forward.

Keep looking for that practitioner who might be able to help you. I did go for acupuncture for the first year or so..I do think it helped to calm me down but I was such a mess back then..hard to say. I guess the best way to find the right therapy is to turn towards someone who is experienced in treating PTSD..rather than talk therapy or marriage therapy which was not helpful for me anyway.

You have the desire to be well and that is what will get you through this ...as well as the support of a community who "get it".You are not alone, we understand.

One technique I was taught was to freeze frame my thought and make it smaller, dimmer, less bright, less loud..to turn down the volume.....the fear that he will never return is real.....so how can you make that fear less? Somedays that works well for me, other days I cannot get to "that place" but many more good days than bad now so I am grateful for that.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 12:39:11 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2019, 03:54:06 PM »
Xy:  I am so grateful for your post.  Thank you for taking the time to provide such important information.  I have had 3 talk therapist and essentially gotten nowhere other than it is nice to talk to someone who can't runaway when I am telling the same story over and over.  Based on a suggestion by Treasur, I have tried the past two days to find an EMDR therapist to ask questions about the practice.  I will also research a mind/body therapist.  I agree that I need a trauma specialist.  Since he never abused me during the marriage, I have just recently connected that the way he left and his behavior at the time was abuse and did cause trauma, and that must be healed.  If you still have the burning belly, I bought some probiotics today to try.  I really do believe that there is a belly brain connection.  I, too, have had to limit coffee and eat light meals like scrambled eggs.  I am happy to hear that most of your days are happy, and that the therapy has been helpful.  That gives me something to look forward too.  It is interesting that the D has caused much more of an emotional response than the BD.  At that time I was just in shock and hysterical not understanding what was happening.  I spent the first few years focused on saving the marriage, so I didn't have time to worry about me -- it was all about him.  I appreciate you reminding me that this is not a normal situation and it will take whatever time it takes to move through it.  Thank you for the support.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Bailmor

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2019, 04:46:16 PM »
SS,

Have you looking into gut health?  THe dust can regulate so much in your body.  Might be something worth looking into.
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2019, 05:10:51 PM »
Hi B:  yes, I started researching and tonight was at Whole Foods buying a "gut health" shot and I also bought probiotics.  I took almost all the caffeine, coffee, sugar, preservatives and gluten out of my diet.  I also have been exercising to burn the stress and mediation to relax my body.  It is just persistent and stubborn.  I think that I have something in my subconscious mind that needs to be free.  So, also sent some emails out today to try to find a therapist.  If nothing else, I am very motivated to feel better :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2019, 05:36:09 PM »
I agree with everything xyz posted.
The breakthrough for me was realising that trauma is a physical issue not a psychological one...our brains are changed by it and those changes effect many of our basic systems like sleep, digestion etc.

I also want to remind you that you lived with uncertainty, coming and going and a kind of gaslighting for over 3 years. Three years. From what I remember it is only about a year ago that you were packing up your old house? And the only reason it stopped was bc you were brave enough to stop it, Shining, to say no and to stop contact. Your h just kept going and would not stop wanting cake and confusion. Please be kind and clear sighted about how long and brutal that rollercoaster ride was, and how brave you were to climb off it.

Your h was a textbook MLCer imho. I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about what he may or may not do...he will most likely follow the script and pop up in some way all broken in a few years time. But what matters is healing from your trauma...absolute priority which I think you feel...and it is do-able, my friend, and the world will feel better on the other side. Worth fighting for and a much more predictable outcome.

You might find this lecture by Bessel van der Kolk interesting https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XU91BhcPqnM
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 05:42:28 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #25 on: April 19, 2019, 05:26:16 AM »
This is why I always come back to the forum when I am spinning.  There is so much relevant information and support.  Thank you Treasur for reminding me that it really hasn't been that long.  Yes, my H is king of the gaslighters, and loved his cake.  I had to break off 100% in order to save myself - and it literally was "SAVING" myself.  And, it has only been a year since I packed up my old home and layed in the middle of the floor hysterical when I found an old picnic basket in a closet I was packing.  There are things that will stay with us forever - finding the picnic basket with all the attached memories almost killed me that day.  I will never forget that pain.  I have gotten emails from a few EMDR therapists that say they aren't taking new patients.  I am not sure if I will be able to find one in my area - which is crazy because I am in a big city.  Will keep looking.  It is Friday.  I am flying to a friend's home for Easter.  I leave in the morning.  Mixed feelings.  It is a couple that we were friends with - in fact they worked with my H.  After he left, the wife was the only one who ever confronted him.  She said you have been telling me for over 20 years how much you love Shining, WHAT ARE YOU DOING.  He told her he had changed.  She thought is was all bull***t.  So, I got them in the D.  They have really rallied around me and have been a great support system.  My H actually whined that I got all the friends.  It is still hard to visit them without him.  Kinda in your face that you are alone.... 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online Treasur

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2019, 05:58:33 AM »
And I want you to let yourself feel the truth of that, Shining. That you did what you had to do to save yourself, that you knew at a deep level it was all you could do. And how much courage it takes to do that. You should feel proud of finding that courage imho.

Keep trying with the EMDR folks, maybe ask if they can refer you, that your situation is a critical one. I'm glad you have plans for Easter with people who know and care about you. My xh binned all his friends too, but I have found that for all of us when we get together there's sometimes a sense of a ghost at the table. It is not just me that misses who my h was or felt bewildered by his abandonment and rejection. We don't always mention it but we all feel it, I think, and some friendships have drifted away bc of it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #27 on: April 19, 2019, 06:29:47 AM »
We learn so much from one another. Yet we are all quite different. Years ago, when I first came to HS, the idea that the LBSer was suffering from PTSD wasn't identified.....the long term effects on our lives are far greater than I could have conceived.I had no idea that his leaving would change me so much. I had always been an independent and "strong" person, little did I know.

There are differences too in the members of HS, differences in our marriages and belief systems....perhaps like MLC, different levels of how this affected us.

My therapist has her Phd in physiotherapy. It was an unlikely encounter for me. I had been seeing a physiotherapist about issues related to knee replacement and she had attended a weekend seminar. When she told me about the mind/body work and suggested that I might be interested in this other therapist, I do no even know what caused me to go and see her.  Certainly, my intention was not to talk about my husband..I was looking for relief of some physical pain.

One of her first questions to me was to talk about a memory that brought me joy. I explained that was going to be very difficult  and told her about the end of my 32 year marriage and how memories attached to it were too painful and that the last several years had not held any joy for me....then, I said, the one thing I can talk to you about that brings me joy is my dog.

And so, this creature that I "rescued" became the opening to a journey of healing ( she has been such a blessing to me). My therapist is superb at noticing my body language and leads me to explain how my body is feeling and then helped me to find ways to change that feeling...to reprogram the neural pathways ...the sessions have been very intense, things have happened in her office that I cannot explain...places I went to and the uncovering of events in my own childhood that are patterns of my responses.

We have even discussed epigenetic, how an ancestor's DNA can be changed by a traumatic experience and can be passed on to their offspring...studies that were started I believe with daughters of Jewish concentration camp survivors in Brooklyn.....well, my father was a POW during WWII of the Japanese....follow the dots.....could it be possible that his response to the trauma he experienced was somehow connected to my own?

Crazy stuff sometimes, BUT, she is not a quack...her credentials are very sound..I am giggling right now...because I  had no idea that this was going to be my road out of hell.

Finding these practitioners can be difficult.

As a nurse, certified yoga instructor, trained in therapeutic touch and reiki, I understood that there is something beyond the medical model. The video clip that treasur referenced, there is also a book by Bessel Van Der Kolk called The Body Keeps the Score. Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

I know we often suggest yoga and meditation because they help to calm our neural pathways.

I don't know where you live Shining, but my therapist  does do sessions via skpe.

Have a good Easter. One of my best friends who has been very supportive all these years was also a couple we knew very well in the past. Her husband worked with mine....they were shocked by what happened and all that happened after.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #28 on: April 20, 2019, 03:52:49 AM »
Treasur and Xy:  You rock!  Your messages were amazing and really resonated with me.  I got another message from a EMDR therapist that she isn't taking new patients.  I will keep trying, but I need to find someone in my insurance.  I went to a cognitive behavior therapist a few months ago that was out of network.  She charged $200 per session.  When she charged my credit card for 10 sessions, it was $2,000.  I submitted it to the insurance thinking they would pay a portion, and was rejected.  So, I had to tell her I couldn't work with her anymore.  Xy:  I looked up mind/body therapists and it doesn't look like they take insurance.  I need to call my company to see if they will give me a waiver.  But, am still searching and not ready to give up.  Getting ready to listen to the link Treasur sent, and then heading to the gym before the airport.  It takes 12 weeks for exercise to kick in and change your brain, so my head is down and I am trying to go consistently to beat this anxiety and depression.  First week of really doing it, so have a long road....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #29 on: April 20, 2019, 06:16:52 AM »
Unfortunately my therapist was not covered by my insurance. I have spent about $3500 on therapy but it was worth it. I am grateful I had the $$ to be able to go to her.

Exercise will definitely help. I am off to a yoga class this am.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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