Author Topic: My Story The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer  (Read 2459 times)

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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My Story Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #80 on: May 15, 2019, 11:47:48 AM »
Oh Kit - that man is running - and running hard!  My hope is fading that he will ever look back.  It just isn't his style.  But, and this is huge, I do think I have had a brain shift and am starting to understand that I really need to focus on me - for real - not just going through the motions.  That is growth, which has been so turtle slow.  I am looking forward to meeting you in Italy so we can compare notes.  We will need lots of wine :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #81 on: May 15, 2019, 05:09:36 PM »
Umm,,, do you think I could get in on the 'comparing notes' meeting?   You know,,, the one with lots of wine?

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #82 on: May 16, 2019, 02:32:24 AM »
Anon:  Absolutely - now we have a party, and I see us belly laughing at the insane stories instead of tears...
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #83 on: May 20, 2019, 07:44:36 PM »
Attaching
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #84 on: June 03, 2019, 12:52:34 PM »
It is astonishing how long it takes to heal from the betrayal.  It is astonishing that he had the capability of betraying me at the level he did - that his loyalty became the OW, not me - that he protected the OW, not me.  That he looked me in the face, after I asked him whether he had told her about a private matter, and he said yes, because he didn't want to lie to her.  All the while he lied to me.  It is so ironic.

I am monkey braining because I have had a lot of recent contact.  I went NC over a year and a half ago for self preservation and to get off the roller coaster, and have had almost no contact during that time.  Recent events have led us to have contact for financial reasons - one last item post divorce. 

My kids came to see me with the baby.  I love seeing them, but it is also painful because he is still missed by us when we all get together.  I had a moment one morning where I thought I couldn't - literally - stand the pain.  It came over me while we were drinking coffee, but had started the night before after one of the girls had some wine and started talking about her father and the OW, and a joint family vacation that HE was trying to plan.  I guess after all these years, he is trying to blend his kids with OW's kids.  Anyway, it was a gut punch and still bothered me the next morning.  So, I excused myself and went upstairs and laid down in a ball and said to the Universe - I completely give up.  I don't know how to move through the pain, and I am not getting any better.  Please help me find another way.  Afterwards, I showered, got all pretty, and headed out for a day with the kids and the baby.  While we were out, I rec'd a text from him.  It wasn't expected, and since we all felt the hole of him not being with us, and my breakdown in the morning - I guess it changed my mood.  When we were at lunch, both the kids looked at me and said "why are you upset?"  I told them about the text.  My youngest daughter said she didn't understand why I hadn't blocked him, and that no way should I return his text.  She is 26, and angry.  Later in the day, the girls were shopping and I was waiting for them.  I picked up my phone and called him.  First time in a year and a half - at least.  I kept the conversation short, but told him about our visit, asked how he was, chatted for a few minutes, and then hung up.  I can't tell you exactly why I called other than the NC takes a lot of negative energy for me.  It doesn't stop me from thinking about him, and I just decided that maybe I needed to handle things a new way.  Let go of the anger, hate, venom without punishment.  The worst thing that will happen is that he will think that I am his friend.  I have fought this for so long.  How dare he tell anyone that I am ok with the way I was treated.  But after laying on the bedroom floor and begging the Universe for an answer, I realized that I can't control what he does or says, and the way that I have been handling it appears to only be hurting me.

This morning, he called me about the financial matter and I chatted about how people were doing, etc.  He made a conscious effort to not mention OW at all.  He would tell me he went to a graduation party, but didn't mention that he wasn't alone.  I really don't get why he still finds the need to play games.  He has made his choice, he blew up our life, he divorced me, he has been with her for years, he is now actively trying to engage the kids with her kids, and yet, he completely hides her from me.  But, it is not my problem and I made a decision that if I didn't actively do NC, it didn't mean that I would call and hang out, etc.  It just meant that it was one more piece to let go, and if for some reason, we need to talk, I am not going to feel sick about it anymore.  His voice is the same - but different.  It feels like I am talking to a stranger.  It is very sad after such a long and happy marriage.     
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Milly

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #85 on: June 03, 2019, 12:57:25 PM »
Shining, I can feel your pain. I'm sorry you're still having these moments of raw pain. NC might be the way to protect your heart. I know that when my oldest D comes over on holiday, I'm always scared she's going to mention my H and OW and things they do. And when she does, it lowers my mood terribly. I just don't want to hear it any more.

Maybe we need a little more time.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline heroIam

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #86 on: June 03, 2019, 01:27:11 PM »
SS.
I agree for your own protection of your beautiful heart, NC might work better for you.  And, I know how much you love the kids.  Maybe seeing them brings back too much for you right now......maybe keep the visits to a shorter time - just temporarily while you are healing?  I know when SS23 was visiting, it was a reminder for me and it hurt all over again.  We have to do what will work for us and what will help us heal.  Contact with my H puts me back, but I do come out of it a bit quicker now.  And the reason why your XH may not speak about OW is because he, in his own weird, distorted way, is trying to not hurt you.  (as if that really matters after all the s**t ) but I truly believe that is the reason.  My H doesn't mention OW at all.  Trust me, if he did, I'd have to respectfully let him know not to do that again.   IL's don't mention her and neither does SS23.  And I believe it is just out of respect for me.  And frankly, I don't want to hear about her.  Firetruck her.  If they did mention her,  I would tell any of them to please not mention her, her name or anything about her to me.   Acceptance or not, she has no place in my life.

In any case, I'm glad you had a nice time with your daughters.  It sounds to me like they love you to the moon and back.  Your history and your presence with them will carry with them throughout their lives, and that is something this OW doesn't have.
Warm hugs to you my friend.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #87 on: June 03, 2019, 04:17:29 PM »
Hi Milly and Hero:  Thank you for the support.  This is such a long road for all of us, and so painful.  I am so happy we all have each other.  xo
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #88 on: June 03, 2019, 05:39:18 PM »
"It is astonishing how long it takes to heal from the betrayal.  It is astonishing that he had the capability of betraying me at the level he did - that his loyalty became the OW, not me - that he protected the OW, not me. 
  It is truly unbelievable.  And yes, what appears to be loyalty to the ow just adds salt to the wound.  Loyalty to her would be a stretch I think.   He isn't capable of loyalty unless it serves one of his selfish purposes.   If he was disloyal to you, his wife, he is capable of disloyalty to anyone.
That he looked me in the face, after I asked him whether he had told her about a private matter, and he said yes, because he didn't want to lie to her.  All the while he lied to me.  It is so ironic.  Similar experiences to this with my h too.  tbh,, I would be surprised if he didn't tell her all about me, mostly the flaws, imperfections and personal struggles.   They think these ow are their soul mates and they feel it's okay saying whatever to them, even our personal stuff.   I remember that awareness that she probably knew more about me than even my best friend (after my h) did.   It was horrifying and felt like a personal violation of some kind,,, still does actually. 

I am monkey braining because I have had a lot of recent contact.  I went NC over a year and a half ago for self preservation and to get off the roller coaster, and have had almost no contact during that time.  Recent events have led us to have contact for financial reasons - one last item post divorce.  It sounds like you white knuckled through the year and a half of NC.   Looking back was N/C easier or harder on you, do you think?   My h is in very frequent contact with me which I think has, surprisingly, helped me gradually pull away and detach.  I see the ongoing deterioration and negative impact MLC is having on him and I can also see my own gradual growth and improvement in contrast.   The gap between us pretty wide now and I hate to say it but he just seems like no one I would want really want to get to know at all.  He looks the same but he just isn't the same.    If I had been N/C for the last couple of years then I wouldn't have had the opportunity to realize any of this. 

My kids came to see me with the baby.  I love seeing them, but it is also painful because he is still missed by us when we all get together.  I had a moment one morning where I thought I couldn't - literally - stand the pain.  It came over me while we were drinking coffee, but had started the night before after one of the girls had some wine and started talking about her father and the OW, and a joint family vacation that HE was trying to plan.  Oh boy,,,I hate this too and my h is always trying to set up family gathering type things so they can meet and hang out with his ow.   They have no interest but I have to admit it hurts that he even tries.   In the end I think it's just another thing to get over especially if we are no longer hopeful and standing.   I guess after all these years, he is trying to blend his kids with OW's kids.  Anyway, it was a gut punch and still bothered me the next morning.  So, I excused myself and went upstairs and laid down in a ball and said to the Universe - I completely give up.  I don't know how to move through the pain, and I am not getting any better.  Please help me find another way.  Very healthy response to pain.   I do something similar when I pray.   I don't just ask God for help with a problem, I give it ALL to him and tell him I'm done, please take over.  Then I pray for detachment while he handles it.    I can't tell you the benefit this has been and is for me everytime I do this.   The peace that follows is undeniable.   Afterwards, I showered, got all pretty, and headed out for a day with the kids and the baby.  While we were out, I rec'd a text from him.  It wasn't expected, and since we all felt the hole of him not being with us, and my breakdown in the morning - I guess it changed my mood.  When we were at lunch, both the kids looked at me and said "why are you upset?"  I told them about the text.  My youngest daughter said she didn't understand why I hadn't blocked him, and that no way should I return his text.  She is 26, and angry.  Later in the day, the girls were shopping and I was waiting for them.  I picked up my phone and called him.  First time in a year and a half - at least.  I kept the conversation short, but told him about our visit, asked how he was, chatted for a few minutes, and then hung up.  I can't tell you exactly why I called other than the NC takes a lot of negative energy for me.  It doesn't stop me from thinking about him, and I just decided that maybe I needed to handle things a new way.  Let go of the anger, hate, venom without punishment.  I like that you did this, SS.   I think NC for me would be energy draining too.   I would like one day to be fully comfortable with my h and anyone else like I would if we had never been married and if this MLC had not torn apart my world.  That's not to say I will seek out his company (I won't) but if we wind up in the same room it won't be a big deal.  I'm part way there but believe it or not he is quite a way behind.   He's fairly uncomfortable most of the time while I'm scratching my head thinking why, before shrugging it off and ignoring it.  The worst thing that will happen is that he will think that I am his friend.  I have fought this for so long.  How dare he tell anyone that I am ok with the way I was treated.  If he tried to tell anyone that they wouldn't likely believe it.  It's so MLCish to say stuff like that.  But after laying on the bedroom floor and begging the Universe for an answer, I realized that I can't control what he does or says, and the way that I have been handling it appears to only be hurting me.  Are you able to try some limited contact without actually pursuing?  or having expectations?  I don't think it's a bad idea to try for a way to relate that's okay for you both.   One hurdle you might have though is are your D's.   They seem very protective of you and they may be horrified if you try to resume anything with him but the white knuckled silence of the last year and a half.  My SD is like this but is a bit better now. 
This morning, he called me about the financial matter and I chatted about how people were doing, etc.  He made a conscious effort to not mention OW at all.  He would tell me he went to a graduation party, but didn't mention that he wasn't alone.  I really don't get why he still finds the need to play games.  I don't think these are games.   My h is the same way and I think he's a bit ashamed of himself and how he left the marriage.   They know what they did was horrible and wrong, and any mention to us of the ow even in the most casual way is embarrassing to him.   My take fwiw.   He has made his choice, he blew up our life, he divorced me, he has been with her for years, he is now actively trying to engage the kids with her kids, and yet, he completely hides her from me.  But, it is not my problem and I made a decision that if I didn't actively do NC, it didn't mean that I would call and hang out, etc.  It just meant that it was one more piece to let go, and if for some reason, we need to talk, I am not going to feel sick about it anymore. YES - just like this! His voice is the same - but different.  It feels like I am talking to a stranger.  You are.  It is very sad after such a long and happy marriage."   It sure is,,, but try not to dwell there much longer.   Find a final, symbolic way to say good-bye to your H as you knew him, your M, and to who you were back then.  Acceptance is so difficult without this final goodbye.    Then focus your eyes on the path going forward - everything good that is waiting for you to enjoy is there.  You just have to choose the forward path as your direction

Offline Shining StarTopic starter

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Re: The Light is Getting Brighter, and the Path is Getting Clearer
« Reply #89 on: June 04, 2019, 11:49:51 AM »
Anon:  Thank you for taking so much time to read my posting and provide such insightful answers.  You know the quote by Einstein - something about if you keep doing the same thing over and over and get negative results - you are an idiot??  I think Einstein's version was better, but my point is that NC for a year and a half did not heal me.  It took so much energy to maintain NC, and to maintain it, I had to stay quietly angry and resentful.  What a drag on my energy stream every single day.  I won't initiate contact.  We don't have much to discuss, but I have now spoken to him several times because of the financial matter, and I am starting to feel like myself during the calls.  I can't change him, but I can put myself  back together.  NC, for me, kept too much focus on him.  I agree, that seeing him for a coffee, might make me glad that I am not still part of his circus!  Seeing him or contact by phone might be just the medicine I need :) 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

 

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