Author Topic: Discussion Did they ever love us? Do they still?  (Read 2525 times)

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Discussion Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« on: April 16, 2019, 08:50:20 PM »
This question has been back on my mind lately.  Maybe because I’m at that stage of healing where somehow the answer matters.   My opinion about this has changed since my BD 22 months ago.  It will likely change again.  Can the answer be generalized to MLC breakups?  What do you all think?

Offline Anjae

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2019, 08:59:45 PM »
"Did they ever love us? Do they still?" - What do you think? What is your answer?

Mine:

Did they ever love us? - Yes.

Do they still? - While deep in MLC? No.

"Can the answer be generalized to MLC breakups?" - Unless anyone here thinks their spouse did not love them pre-MLC the first part can. The second part, it depends of how LBS see things.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2019, 10:21:59 PM »
Yes
No
Probably not.

I have chewed on this a lot too, Anon, and on why it mattered to me so much.
That chewing is a very personal thing I think and we each might reach different conclusions.
It mattered to me bc in a marriage with no kids, the value of the relationship was really just about the two of us. And writing off 20 years as a mistake or a delusion on my part was a huge loss when I had already lost so much. But the truth mattered to me so I was determined I would swallow it down if I had to...I just didn't want to con myself one way or the other.

I no longer doubt that my h loved me. Maybe not enough or quite in the way I thought he did. But I can close my eyes and remember what it felt like being loved by him and I didn't imagine it and it was good.

I don't believe post BD that they love us...they may have some kind of twisted attachment, or other emotions....largely tbh I think we stop being real people to them but more about what we represent, like a cutout.  People who love you don't act this way or not in my definition of love. Not even an ILYBINILWY. That wasn't how my h behaved; there was not a sprinkle of any love or even like. So I have never believed the 'they secretly love us behind the fog' principle. More often actually I think they hate or resent us or feel nothing at all but irritation. We represent an old self they no longer value and a reminder of their guilt probably.

Some say they love us after the crisis, we see that from some of the stories here, but imho I think that is an unknown until or unless it happens in your own experience. Not sure one can generalise, I think it is part of each LBS's reflection as they heal. Some don't need to chew on it at all, others reach different conclusions or decide it doesn't matter. So what matters imho is what you think and feel and how you reach a conclusion that you can be at peace with.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 10:24:42 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline limitless

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 10:24:35 PM »
I moved my original post to the Old Timer's Thead...and my own thread.



So, to answer your question - Did they ever love us?  Yes

Do they still?  Yes...but not in the way we once wanted them to.


L

« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 11:17:43 PM by limitless »
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 10:59:06 PM »



Wow, what an e-mail, Limitless.

Your husband words were amazing, but does he plan to make amends? Because words are just that. Or there aren't any amends to be done/that you need done?

In your husband's case, you are not reconciled. I think it is different for those in reconnection and reconciliation. They all say their spouses' love for them returns.

Do you think your husband will ever learn from his mistakes and changes things? At least he realise all the issues are inside him.

I'm thinking what I would do if Mr J would sent me a similar e-mail. Probably: yeah, mate, whatever, thanks. Are you ready to sign me a large check? No? Sorry, your words mean nothing. When you're ready to truly make ameds, let me know.

Why would my reply be so meh? Because I no longer need a a heartfelt response. I need/want actions/amends, not words.

Limitless, can you post the same on the Old Timers Thread? Thank you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2019, 02:20:00 PM »
Do I think my H loved me?  I have no doubt he did...yes.

Does he still love me?  I know he does.. yes.

The 3rd is hard to answer.  Idk. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline in it

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2019, 02:41:20 PM »
I'm gonna go with no on both questions.
No loss though.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online megogirl

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2019, 02:49:50 PM »
We represent an old self they no longer value and a reminder of their guilt probably.

THAT!  I know for a fact that the alienator represents the "new Mr. Mego."

The new Mr. Mego dates a P.E. teacher, and they will hike all day together.  Very, very active!  She's also a "small" person.

The old "Mr. Mego" was fat, married to me (also overweight), and sedentary.  He wants nothing to do with that former self, and I am just part of that whole "package"/collateral damage of his crisis.

I do believe he loved me, and still does.  What he *does* hate is the fat person that he used to be.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 02:55:50 PM by megogirl »

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2019, 02:50:52 PM »
I know he loved me, but what I didn't understand is that is was more of a needy love - like a parasite and a host.  That sounds terrible and I am not diminishing what we had, but he has issues and trauma from being a child, so he learned early to take care of himself, and to feed himself by outside accolades.  That is the measure of whether he is a good person.  The last time I spoke to him and he told me that he didn't believe in forever anymore, I said that I thought we had different definitions of love -- he said " I think you are right."  I never saw any of this until BD, and I always felt loved and secure in my marriage. 

Yes, he still loves me but not as a wife, and it is still a broken love from a broken person.  He thinks he does and he even says it, but again, it isn't the mature type of love.

When he finishes the tunnel, will he love me again:  My intuition says yes, but again, it could be not as a wife.  He said his feelings for me evaporated.  I just don't believe it.  I think the feelings got run over by the feeling to run and it was part of the justification.  That, and the affair. I think he was attracted to her (yuck), and decided she was a better fit for him.  Time will tell.....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Did they ever love us? Do they still?
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2019, 03:36:35 PM »
I don't think an MLCer is capable of love while deep in crisis. My H told me few months ago that he has never and will never again love anyone the way he loved me. (Notice past tense there) That there was nothing in his heart anymore and couldn't love anyone again. He said this while still with the OW. He is still deep in replay of course.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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