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Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over

j
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I'm not sure where to start.  Right now my life feels like it is over and I don't know where to turn.

My partner of 8 years, living together for the last 4, has been emotionaly unavailable on and off for a what seems like a long time.  He lost his mother to cancer quickly 5 years ago and I helped nurse her in her final weeks.  He adored his mother.  I don't think he has ever truly recovered from that.  Since then he has pretty much distanced himself from all his close family.  He doesn't speak to his one bother at all, rarely to his sister and spent 2 years totally ignoring his grown daughter, although she is getting married next year and they have been speaking again over the last six months. 

As for him, he's a practical man.  He works outside, welding, fixing things, climbing tree and tree work, anything and everything really.  He's 53 this year and his body has started to let him down.  He is constantly complaining of various parts of him hurting but this just seems to drive him on to push himself harder and harder.  He had issues with his heart a couple of years ago and required surgery but that seems to have solved that on the most part.  We both enjoy outside activitives and share a couple of common interests and that's how we met.

We have had some problems over the years, but most of our arguments only happen when alcohol is involved.  We have a great network of mutual friends, its  a small village and life revolves around the hub which is the pub.  That makes it sound like we are getting drunk every night but its not like that.  We will have a couple of pints every evening after work meet up with friends chill for an hour or two.  If there is a big social event within the large group, weddings birthdays that sort of thing we all get together.  We are all friends outside the pub and frequently do many things that don't involve alcohol at all.  Like a lot of people occassionaly we may have a night of drinking but that's when the problems start, I know this so I have decided to abstain from that and have been doing so for six weeks.  On the other hand he seems to be drinking more and more.

I moved into his rented house 4 years ago, up until that point I had my own rented cottage.  He has been in this house for 36 years.  This is important because he has asked me to leave.  Its just not that straight forward.  I have a horse at home and five dogs of my own, I lost my job a couple of years ago, a job I hated but had struck at it for 20 years, and went self employed.  I am now a self employed book keeper working for just one family and I adore it.   But I only work part time 20 odd hours a week.  Basically I cannot afford to leave my home.  I feel I am about to lose everything, him, my home, my horse, my dogs, my friends and a job I love.  I fail to see a way forward.  I am beyond despair. 

He's been complaining of feeling his life is over and there is nothing that he's interested in any more for many many months.  He says he knows he depressed but is unwilling to get any help.  He says he is unhappy with everything in his life, including me.  Three weeks ago after totally withdrawing from me for a few days he announced he wants me to leave as he wants to be alone.  He wants to do as he wants when he wants, see who he wants when he wants.  I assume there is someone on the horizon but he denies it.  Over the last couple of years I know he has been deceitful, hes had at least a couple of emotional affairs, although he doesn't see them as that.  He will not consider any form of councilling.  He says he is done and that nothing will change with us. 

I just don't know what to do or where to turn.  I go from feeling so angry that he is seemingly so intent on destroying our lives together without any worries to feeling that has to be some way of turning this round.

I cant leave currently, I have no where to go and currently do not earn enough to rent a house on my own, let alone manage to keep hold of my animals that are the only things keeping me going right now.  He knows that it is impossible for me to leave straight away and as far as I can tell is, at the moment prepared, for me to stay for as long as necessary.  He wont discuss anything with me at all.  We are civil, hello, goodbye and if we are both in the pub at the same time he will dicuss his day with me but once we get home he shuts off again.  He sleeps on the sofa and spends the rest of the time avoiding me.

I know I need to plan but whenever I try and even think about it I have a panic attack.  I'm not eating or sleeping.  The last couple of days Ive tried to keep myself busy but its just faking.  I'm trying to carry on with my routine of popping to the pub to see my friends, but he is always there too and its very difficult for me to remain outwardly happy, although the last couple of days I have just about managed it.

I adore and love this man with all my heart and its tearing me apart seeing his complete lack of emotion towards me.  He is so cold.  I have all these questions flying about in my head.  Do I try and make it work or do I just scurry away with my tail between my legs?  Is there any point even trying if he doesn't want to?  Do I try and find somewhere temporary for just me right now or am I better off staying where I am?

I've done all the begging, all the crying all the things you shouldn't do, not overboard but have had at least two conversations where Ive tried to reach him and it obviously not worked.  Now I'm just trying to plaster on a smile and get on with it but he then accused me of acting like nothing had happened.



I know this is all over the place and probably makes no sense what so ever and I'm sorry.  I just don't know what to do.


I will try and fill in more detail as I go but I'm seriously struggling to put it in any sort of order in my own head.
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« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 08:03:32 AM by OldPilot »

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Hi jacks,

Welcome and sorry for your situation. Wouldn't be surprise if it was MLC, sounds a lot like it, including triggers etc.
It is or is not, but you have to start with taking care of yourself in any case my friend. You have to eat, even you are not hungry at all. You have to take care of your sleep, even it meant you have to see the doctor and ask medication. Whatever this is all about, it is very painful for you obviously and if you don't take care of yourself, it will only get much worse. So start with those basics!

Do not plead, beg, cry in front of him, ask him to stay, to come to his senses, to try to fix him. You can't and everything you try will make him only feel more pressure. Accept that you can't help him until he asks you to and accepts help, which is very unlikely at the moment.

If he asks you to leave and stays with that, you have to find a place to stay, which can be actually good for you atm, as you could get some headspace to think. Him being around, acting like he is, ignoring you is obviously very painful to you. Do you have any friend, relative, whoever you could stay with temporary? Pets and animals, are there any compromise temporary in the situation he would be ready to? He needs space, so do you anyway.

You can't trust anything he says at this moment, do not even try to think him as the man he was nor logic in anything right now. If he is in MLC, you can't analyze things in a way you could without MLC involved.

You fell like your life was over, it is NOT. It is a very difficult situation but like ALL OF US, you will get trough it all too.

Start with very basic stuff, put the focus on you, basic things, and start making a plan for yourself. Keep touch in life by leaving the house as often as possible, if you have friends you trust on, now it is time to ask for help and to rely on them.

Vent here, write a lot, come back often, you are not alone.






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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Yes sleep is important..try something natural first. Maybe Melatonin, herbal teas, warm bath. There are liquid sleep aids.
Things always seem worse if you don't get good sleep.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Welcome jacs,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, it's tough spot to be in.  The advice given is spot on.
Your number one job right now is taking good care of yourself.

If he is in a crisis, which does sound like he is, there is nothing you can say or do to change anything.
Just remember a Midlife Crisis is all about depression.

I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better, I just don't.

He could be in this for a long time, so just try to live your life the best you can right now.  Do things that make you happy.  Make plans for yourself to be able to move out.  Maybe a 2nd part-time job?
It won't make any difference to him.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

S
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Welcome Jacs - so glad you found us, even though I am very sorry that you need us.
You have to force yourself to nibble on some kind of food so that you do not get sick. Toast, fruit, protein bar - whatever you can stomach, just at least eat a couple of bites of something.
For now just leave him alone. Don't ask questions, don't expect anything, just do your thing.

I don't know if you should stay or leave, that's something only you will know and you don't have to decide today - just do whatever is in your best interest. This can go on for years and you will not know if he wants to work on it or not, he probably has no idea himself. They are lost in life without a clue - all they know is that they are unhappy and they will blame the closest thing, which is the spouse.
Try not to take it personal, I know it's hard, but it has nothing to do with you.

Please read some stories, read some articles and come back and post here - this is an amazing group of people that have all been where you are right now.
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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I'm sorry you are here too.
The answer to your question is probably both. I'm sorry. Time will show you the why but what matters now for you more is the what.
As everyone else is saying, basic self care....look after yourself as if you were one of your animals that was sick...food, sleep, anything that is calm or soothing, a few people who are kind and love you.
Then the practical things...money, somewhere to live, a plan that you can do independently...which probably feels overwhelming right now, but it will help you to feel safer when you feel in charge of your own ship.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hello jacs,

I am bumping up your thread and hopefully some members will come along and post to you soon.

This is a really difficult thing to go through and it affects us deeply.  Are you able to eat or sleep a bit? I found when I couldn't eat, that I would make a smoothie, I seemed to be able to drink better then eat solid food.

Who do you have to support you through this?

I am sorry that this is happening to you.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Hi jacs,

How are you doing today?
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

S
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Hi Jacs - so sorry that you are here but I can assure you this is the best place to be.

Are you from the UK?  I ask because you mention a village and a pub.

We can help and it is encouraging to see that you have learned not to do the begging or crying approach. The bright and breezy option is good to help you and will undoubtedly create skepticism in your MLCer.

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He's been complaining of feeling his life is over and there is nothing that he's interested in any more for many many months.  He says he knows he depressed but is unwilling to get any help.  He says he is unhappy with everything in his life, including me.  Three weeks ago after totally withdrawing from me for a few days he announced he wants me to leave as he wants to be alone.  He wants to do as he wants when he wants, see who he wants when he wants.  I assume there is someone on the horizon but he denies it.  Over the last couple of years I know he has been deceitful, hes had at least a couple of emotional affairs, although he doesn't see them as that.  He will not consider any form of councilling.  He says he is done and that nothing will change with us.

This and the other stuff you mention certainly suggests elements of MLC but it also suggests serious depression.   Not being interested in anything anymore is not that common with MLC - MLcers do suffer from depression but they try to do different behaviours and activities to compensate.  What you are saying is suggesting that he is  a wallower in which case they usually withdraw and remove themselves from active living.  Emotional affairs are indicative of a wallower.

If he has been deceitful in the past then it is very likely that he has been in MLC for some time - this is quite common and they have usually been in denial which is what he has been by denying the importance of the EAs.

Quote
I cant leave currently, I have no where to go and currently do not earn enough to rent a house on my own, let alone manage to keep hold of my animals that are the only things keeping me going right now.  He knows that it is impossible for me to leave straight away and as far as I can tell is, at the moment prepared, for me to stay for as long as necessary.  He wont discuss anything with me at all.  We are civil, hello, goodbye and if we are both in the pub at the same time he will dicuss his day with me but once we get home he shuts off again.  He sleeps on the sofa and spends the rest of the time avoiding me.
#


Not being able to leave must be a horrid situation. Do you not have family or close friends who could support you practically for the time being?

I think that if he is accepting you cannot leave then, all you can do at this moment in time, whilst you find some form of relief is to continue as you are.  However can you get out of the house more often and distance yourself from him?  Treat the house as somewhere to lay your head and no more. 

Quote
I'm not eating or sleeping.
  This you must address as soon as possible. What I found helpful for me was to eat oat based meals.  I just ate porrige for about 3 weeks moving from one teaspoon to eventually a whole bowl with little and often approach.  Sleeping is really hard when your mind is racing and so I suggest you learn how to "power nap"  Take rest when you can and keep busy so that your head and brain has to think of other things too.


Quote
I adore and love this man with all my heart and its tearing me apart seeing his complete lack of emotion towards me.  He is so cold.  I have all these questions flying about in my head.  Do I try and make it work or do I just scurry away with my tail between my legs?  Is there any point even trying if he doesn't want to?  Do I try and find somewhere temporary for just me right now or am I better off staying where I am?

Of course you do and of course it is.  MLCers develop completely opposite personalities and the coldness is so hard.  Feeling invisible is awful too.  The questions will fly and it is important to realise that nothing you can do or say will make a difference right now except for changing your living arrangements.  If you can find somewhere to stay then that might be a better option for the immediate future.   

If you stay where you are you will have to understand that nothing will change and that what you currently face will continue with no reprieve. If you are able to handle that then stay for a little while longer and in that time plan where to go.

At this moment in time your R is no more ; this doesn't mean it can't be restored but this is a long journey and choosing to stand is a daily decision.

Please check on your finances too. Do you have your own account? Do you have access to any form of financial support. So if you live in the UK - can you apply for housing benefit or any other benefit.

In these early days take it 5 minutes at a time - what can you do in the next 5 or 10 mins and the next.

Keep posting and if you are in the UK let us know - there are quite a few of us who will be online at the same time and so a little bit more immediate for you. 

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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

 

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