Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over  (Read 2693 times)

Offline jacsTopic starter

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My Story Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2019, 01:09:12 PM »
Thank you for taking the time to reply.  I have been in the most awful place since I posted.  I've been to my doctors and have got a bit of help but nothing is really touching the terrible pain I feel. 
Nothing has changed here.  I might as well be invisible.   

Offline Thunder

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2019, 01:55:33 PM »
Thank you for responding.  Jacs, please try not to feel that way.  You're not invisible to us.

You can make it out of this.

I was, and many others have been in this dark place.   It was the worst thing most of us have had to go through.  I felt invisible too.

Just talk with us.  We are all here for you, and I promise it does get better.
You are not going to feel like this forever.
Try to just take one day at a time and keep posting.

{{Big Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #12 on: May 01, 2019, 02:14:36 PM »
Quote
I might as well be invisible.

Yes it feels that way - I felt it for months and so did many of us on here. What I found as did others is that as Thunder says I found support and a feeling of being listened to and valued and more importantly understood.

We do understand. 

Are you based in the UK? 
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Online xyzcf

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2019, 03:20:10 PM »
Here is where to find RCR's articles. Reading them helped me to understand what was happening and that helped to calm me a bit.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

The anxiety, disbelief and worry is really hard to cope with. The reason that we have difficulty eating and sleeping is because our fight/flight/freeze nervous system responses have been activated. Normally, when we are in danger, this activation is a good thing but it isn't meant to become our norm. The longer it continues, the more drained we become.

I found exercise really helpful, every single day getting outside and walking. I also go to a gym where I met other people. Being out with other people helped me as well.

Sometimes medications are necessary for some people. Discuss with your doctor if you feel this is  something you need.

We have no control over what has happened so we feel helpless and hopeless. Once you start regaining control over your life, you will feel a bit better.

Family and friends may not understand, they often think we should just get over it and move on. There is something different about a marriage that ends suddenly and without warning, MLC is not the same as a couple who have had years of problems, or have sought therapy and tried to work out their issues...we are not given that opportunity.

I still wonder, how could you so coldly discard your wife of 32 years? I know it isn't me, it wasn't our marriage that caused him to change so radically..but knowing it still doesn't negate the pain that we feel.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2019, 02:11:27 AM »
Hi Jacs,

I saw your initial posts but then it was Easter break here in Germany and I was out with my kids and I lost your thread.

Self-Care in this time is SO important. You will hear LOTS about the LBS Diet (many of us drop a lot of weight quickly. I went from 102 to 88 kgs in about 6 weeks..... NOT at all healthy.... The sleeping thing (or NOT sleeping) is also common. I would walk at night often for 8-10 km because my mind was racing and I couldn't sleep. My DOG absolutely thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread... My body not so much....

I survived on yogurt and other things that eased the acid stomach and for sleeping, Melatonin and L-Tryptophan (an essential Amino Acid so nothing chemical) ) helped me a lot....

The thing that helped the most though was time and getting out of the house initially (I have a semi-Wallower - she had a burst of High-Energy replay but has since fallen into WallowLand) until I was in my own apartment... that initial 6 months was a SERIOUS adjustment.

Besides your animals, is there anything else that you enjoyed doing before? What about picking up additional clients? Basically, what all the tips we and RCR give you boil down to one essential thing and that is focusing on your self and your own emotional well-being.  There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for your Mid-Lifer. It is HIS crisis, HIS Journey. You can't help him through it, you can't speed it up. You can't "love" him out of it. The one effect you MAY have is that you can slow down the progress by giving him a place to focus outside of his own issues that have triggered this.

MLC is often someone running from their internal demons... They are looking for and craving validation which we were providing them until they decided we weren't. They are no moving on to the NEXT supplier of validation, never realizing that, no matter where they run to, well, there they are and their demons are RIGHT THERE with them. Until they learn that they can validate themselves internally (that is what they are missing), they will repeat the same cycle over and over and over again.

In the mean time, you (or whoever else) really does NOT need to be part of that process....   that is why the key advice is also to detach YOUR emotional well-being from that of your Mid-Lifer - called "getting OFF the Rollercoaster." You will hear LOTS about "detachment" which is NOT to be confused with "indifference" (I just do not care about the mid-lifer anymore)... Detachment is taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being, taking back your power to control your own life (which is the only thing you can control) so, if your Mid-Lifer is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, you are able to continue being the light and breezy one, you can continue to be happy.  Detachment is NOT letting their mood drag us down with them... Detachment takes time.... LOTS of it sometimes.

The other thing is the mirror work we all need to do. No one is perfect. We all have those things in our R's where we look back, cringe and think "Oh now THAT was totally messed up." Those are the things we can change in our own lives if we want so they do not happen again. His MLC has given you the gift of time to be able to take a look at things like that and to do what you need to do so that there are no more of those moments in life and to do it without any external influences.... But it is important to remember that, even in mirror work, you did NOT cause his Crisis to happen and it really had NOTHING to do with you, despite the Mid-Lifer's claim to the contrary...

Keep posting please.  You are in a place here where we understand what is going on, what is happening, where you are coming from.  Many in Real Life are not going to have the faintest idea since this is NOT happening to them and hasn't happened to them..... and, just like real life, not all the advice you get here will be pertinent to your situation. It is sort of like tossing a pot of spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. Those are the things that are worth your effort, those that fit your life, your story.  The rest that fall on the floor? Na ja, not so much.
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2019, 03:26:39 AM »
In the early days, breathe, sleep, eat, do the normal life stuff you can, use your body somehow, connect with nature somehow. Aim to get to the end of each day and the start of a new one sane and standing. Some version of these things is what all of us found helped in the first few weeks/months. Probably in that order tbh.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline jacsTopic starter

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #16 on: May 02, 2019, 04:21:24 AM »
He's I am in the uk.

I'm struggling to do anything.  I'm trying to push myse!f to do things but it's so hard.  I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep the time away.  I've made myself go for a walk this morning with some friends but I just felt even worse listening to them chatting about this and that when all my mind can focus on is what feels like the end of the world.  I've tried going to meet my friends (our friends) in the pub but he is always there and I usually end up having a panic attack.    Im struggling at work to concentrate which isn't good as a self employed bookeeper.   I just don't know how to haul myself out of this black pit.  All I can see is that I've lost him my best friend and I'm going to lose my home, my animals, my friends and probably my job.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #17 on: May 02, 2019, 05:04:21 AM »
hi Jacs, I am all caught up and so very sorry about what has happened.

I'm struggling to do anything.  I'm trying to push myse!f to do things but it's so hard.  I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep the time away. 
This is a totally natural reaction after what you have been through.
I've made myself go for a walk this morning with some friends but I just felt even worse listening to them chatting about this and that when all my mind can focus on is what feels like the end of the world. 
Also very natural. I still cringe when my friends talk about their houses, Wives etc.
I've tried going to meet my friends (our friends) in the pub but he is always there and I usually end up having a panic attack.   
Do you have other friends (not that you should give them up)  or can you go to a different Pub?
 Im struggling at work to concentrate which isn't good as a self employed bookeeper.
Also tatally natural....
  I just don't know how to haul myself out of this black pit.
You have to haul yourself out somehow as nobody else can do it for you. Maybe find a new Hobby, something which you have always wanted to do but hadnt had the Chance yet.
 All I can see is that I've lost him my best friend and I'm going to lose my home, my animals, my friends and probably my job.
You have lost your H and your best friend. I totally so get that! You may also loose your home in time but that doesnt have to be as awful as you may now think. Why would you loose your animals and friends? Maybe I have missed something here.
You are not going to loose your Job, you have to get a grip on your income and Focus (as hard as it is)...

Eat everyday, sleep as well as possible and try to stay out of your Hs way if it starts a Panic attack. Ist too early, if you know or suspect that he is in the Pub the dont go.
Good luck and IT DOES GET EASIER!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #18 on: May 02, 2019, 05:17:38 AM »
Jacs,

We all get it.
I slept (tried) in a sleeping bag on top of my bed for weeks.  I only could stomach eating oranges for weeks and lost tons of weight.  Sleep?  What was that?  Every time I started to talk to someone I would tear up.

I also tried getting out with friends, but had to leave because I just couldn't be with people yet.

I remember everything you are feeling right now.  Very high anxiety every day.
I found taking walks by myself, or with my dog really helped.  I remember walking until I was exhausted some days but the anxiety did go down.

I'd love to tell you, you will feel better in a week or a month, but we all have different times when it hurts less.  But it will and you will get there.
Just please know that.  You're going through the hardest part right now.

Keep posting and talking to us.

{{Big Warm Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online xyzcf

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #19 on: May 02, 2019, 05:20:48 AM »
I was sent away within weeks of BD so I have never had to share accommodation with the MLCer. Initially, I insisted that we have daily contact by email of phone but that caused me great stress, it was better for me once that contact ceased.

One thing that has often been said, he is not the person that you knew, that you shared your life with, that you still love.....I was told and I think it helped, to think of him and treat him when I had to as a long lost relative that I didn't know very well.

Changing out perception is hard...we think there is only one way to live our lives and we become stuck, unable in our grief to contemplate anything else. This was never our choice...we had absolutely no say in it (unlike most things in our lives where we have input).

What Ursa said "Detachment is taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being, taking back your power to control your own life (which is the only thing you can control) " takes time and effort, but there comes a point, where you will stand and say enough of this...my life matters.

I would just like to say that I found alcohol to make things even worse. I had never been a big drinker but enjoyed a glass of wine or a beer. I found that even one glass of wine would send me crashing.

Although it doesn't help much, there are so many of us here who have been where you are...and each person has managed to get to a point of peace about this...."acceptance" is the way I define how I moved forward...but it took me a long time...that's ok. Better to face the reality of our grief than hide it somehow and "pretend" it doesn't exist.

It is hard to hear our friends talk about their spouses, the things they are doing, their complaints ( I once sat at a table at a retreat, a women there was going on and on about how horrible it was that her husband slurped his coffee, it drove her crazy..she wouldn't stop saying this over and over..it drove me crazy...but I can laugh now....she has no idea what a spouse can do that really hurts!)

You are doing a really good job of expressing how you are feeling and the physical problems you are having...many people here understand. You are in a safe place and many people will guide you and give you some suggestions to help you get out of the dark place you find yourself in.
« Last Edit: May 02, 2019, 05:23:07 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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