Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over  (Read 2722 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #20 on: May 02, 2019, 05:30:49 AM »
Keep it very small, my friend. Think of it like having been hit by a bus...small steps.

Keep it very simple. If it hurts right now and not doing it won't harm you or put you in jail, don't do it. If it helps even 1%, try doing it. Accept that even people who love you don't get it unless they have been here. And that faking normal is just too tiring somedays.

Right now, don't worry about hauling yourself out of the pit. You will...but that comes later. Right now you are just trying to survive finding yourself in the pit for long enough to get to that point. Breathe, sleep, eat something, walk on your own maybe?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2019, 05:49:27 AM »
Quote
I just don't know how to haul myself out of this black pit.

Time and one tiny step at a time.

Ask yourself what one good thing can I do for me in the next 5 mins - wash your face/clean teeth, brush hair, have a shower etc...
Now you've done that what's the next thing you can do and the next and the next.

So let's assume you are awake and curled up feeling blue. One good thing for 5 minutes is you can do is to have a little cry  and the next thing to take 5 minutes is to sit up and stand up out of the bed and get a towel or clean clothes sorted.  Next 5 mins brush your hair/teeth and wash face. Next 5 mins get clothes ready to put on after a shower/bath. Next 10 mins have a shower or bath. Next 5 mins etc etc....
or in 5 mins put the kettle on and prepare a hot drink.#

The above is bonkers I know but when you are as low as you are and we have ALL been there - self care and self love in tiny steps is a good way forward.  Taking time to carry out such fundamental tasks is really important as it shows you that you are ok and that you can function.
Another thing to do is to create a new routine so that you have to think about it.  So let's say that you normally get up make coffee and then shower and then walk the dog.  Change it, - get up - walk the dog - have a coffee and something different for breakfast and then shower or not.   This also gets you brain focussed on you.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2019, 05:50:55 AM »
If my dog could talk.......

Actually, maybe it's better that she can't

Lord knows she listened to me a lot.... She heard me rant, cry, ponder, the works on our walks... Humans didn't get it but she understood me...

It starts off being a minute by minute thing, then you make it to hours, then days, then weeks, then months... At some point, you'll stop and think "Oh, has it been that long?"

As for the work thing, I can fully sympathize... STBXW hit me a couple of months before we launched a new satellite and I was the primary Operations Manager so I had responsibility for ensuring that our Ground Segment was ready to support the launch and operations.... About 700 million Euros riding on my back.... In fact, that was probably my saving grace was that I HAD to concentrate on getting that work done and done right.... Gave me little time to think about everything else except being Bomb Dropped.... 
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Penelope2018

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2019, 06:55:40 AM »
I'm sorry this happened to you Jacs. We all know how it feels. That insurmountable despair that just wants to swallow you up. It takes time to pass, it really does. I know right now it seems like you'll be forever stuck that way but you won't. Come here and vent anytime you like. If your partner isn't throwing your stuff out, ignore him. Just focus on you. Like others have said, just try to find one small thing you can do that isn't overwhelming and build from there. If you have time perhaps pick up reading. I went through tons of books after BD. There's a 90 day free trial offer for Kindle subscriptions. That might help and it costs nothing. It was my saving grace. Books can take you to another world where you don't have to think about your problems and I know that isn't good for the long run but for right after BD, I think it's fine.

Keep crackers around so you at least eat something if you can't tolerate anything else. As far sleep you may need to get some medication. I know going to the doc would be a huge step but if you could make it, they can give you something that'll knock you out for seven-eight hours like ambien. OTC meds didn't work for me. My anxiety was too high. You will be ok in time.
MLC XH - 42 currently
M - 34 currently
Mini BD - Feb 2017  - Doesn't want to be married to a "sad" person.
Angry b/c I was depressed from my Grandmother's death in 12/16
BD - July 2017 - spent the previous 3 months in his home country with OW
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
I moved out for four months
Moved back in for 8.5 months
Moved back out 12/2018 - practicing NC
Married - 15 Y
No kids

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2019, 07:08:54 AM »
Thanks Penelope for mentioning medication for sleep.

5HTP is a brilliant way to help you rest and sleep as well as begin to pick you up. You can get it online but if you are in the UK then Holland and Barrett has it.

5HTP has tryptophan which is the resting ingredient (found in roast chicken and turkey etc). 5HTP also has seratonin which is the balancing chemical we need in our bodies to make us feel more normal or even vaguely happy. 
Take two or three an hour before bed and it really will help you sleep and begin to create a balance in your mind.

Bach's remedy is also very helpful for moments of sheer anxiety and distress.  I took copious little meltlets in my mouth whenever I began to panic or get tearful. I'm not exactly sure how much it helped but I know that just doing the action of taking care for myself helped me.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2019, 07:16:31 AM »
Hi again Jacs

I will be your mentor for the next couple of weeks.

You are welcome to PM me but I only have my experience to guide you by and there are so many on here willing to help you in these first few weeks.  So keep posting and if you need more one to one then pm me via this forum and I will do my best to answer you as soon as possible.

Just keep postiing, keep journalling and keep asking. Read as many of RCR's articles as you can.

Here to help.
S&D
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #26 on: May 02, 2019, 10:38:18 AM »
Jac's...talk about a black pit...…I lived in the black pit for almost a year - I honestly believed that the physical pain would literally kill me - I couldn't be around people other than my D - I couldn't go to the store - I just wanted to be absorbed by the ground and disappear forever. I wanted the pain to stop, but didn't think it ever would.

It was this forum that kept me fighting to make it through every single day - I read all the articles, I read peoples stories, I lived and breathed MLC.

After the first 12 months it did get easier and that is what I am here to tell you - it will get easier - you will be able to breathe again, you will be able to function and you will be able to have good days again even though right now it doesn't seem that way. Unfortunately it takes time, and I cannot tell you how much I hated that word. Time. But it's true.

Now, I am almost 2 years out and of course I still have bad days, but I also have good days. I no longer think about H 24/7. Of course i still have doubts and struggle of what I am doing and where this is going, but that's okay.

We are all here for you and we have all been where you are now. Just keep posting.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #27 on: May 02, 2019, 11:26:29 AM »
Following along. Just saw your thread.

I'm so sorry you're here. I'll just echo what others have said about taking care of your own health first. I worked out A LOT and went on a lot of super-long walks in the early days of my W's crisis. I wore out some shoes. Any kind of physical activities that wears you out so much your body is more tired than your mind is racing is a good choice.

As you recover, things will get better

Post often. This is the perfect place to ask questions, journal, rant or vent. We've all been there.

Be good to yourself.

"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out June 2019.

"Learning how to live like she ain't coming back."

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10871.0

Offline jacsTopic starter

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #28 on: May 07, 2019, 02:45:52 AM »
I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner.  Thank you to everyone that took the time.  I am still struggling and feel so lonely.  He is doing everything he can to avoid me.  Walking the dogs for three hours every morning, straight of to work then off to the pub and doesn't come home till he thinks I'll be in bed.  I get a hello sometimes and that's about it.

  Yesterday I got out of the house and spent some time with a friend,  she persuaded me to go to the pub as they were having a bbq.  If I am with people the black thoughts aren't so bad. 

He turned up later on and joined a conversation I was having. friends are feeling awkward as he makes it so obvious that he doesn't want to speak to me.  He left later but wasn't home when I got in. I knew he had been drinking and was driving.  For reasons only known to him he  parked his car at the top of our long drive so it couldn't be seen from the house.  I spent all night tossing and turning wondering where the hell he was. I got up very early and he startled me as I didn't expect him to be there and stupily asked him where he been. He had driven to the next village bought a chinese, which he hasn't touched, and then went back to the pub, I assume because he was my car was gone and then parked the car at the end of the drive, he has never ever done anything like that.  I assume he did so he could sneak to the house and check I was in bed before he came in. Just seems so childish. 

So in my confusion this morning I asked him why he felt the need to behave this way and he said it was easier, I asked who for and he said him, I said it's easy for you, it's your choice, your decision, regardless of the fact that it's making me feel worse.  He said I was acting like nothing had happened and hadn't listened to what he had said.  I know I should of kept my mouth shut.  When I was talking to him it was like he was looking through me. 

 Is he blind?  I'm falling apart. I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.  I'm on antidepressants which don't appear to be helping and sleeping tablets. I'm having panic attacks and don't know whether I'm coming or going. 

I'd had a better day yesterday than I had in a while and now it's coming crashing down.  My friend is back at work today after the bank holiday and I feel so lost and hurt so I have no one to turn too. 

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #29 on: May 07, 2019, 03:10:07 AM »
Quote from: jacs
Is he blind?  I'm falling apart. I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.  I'm on antidepressants which don't appear to be helping and sleeping tablets. I'm having panic attacks and don't know whether I'm coming or going. 

Jacs,

What I am going to say is going to sound ruthless and pretty brutal but I am afraid it represents the facts....

You asked if he is blind that you are falling apart....

HE DOES NOT CARE! In fact, if he is a Mid-Lifer that is moving into High energy and monster, he might even be getting a kick out of it seeing you falling apart....

I remember parking away from the house too so I could sneak in... when I was 17.....

The looking through someone is something that STBXW had down to an art form and it used to piss me off to no end... So, I turned the tables and reflected the behaviour back... Boy, she did NOT like that at all...

Judging by what you have written here, your Mid-Lifer is about to transform into some sort of Godzilla wannabe right before your very eyes... His actions and REactions have "Monster Alert" written all over them to me...

If you wanted to be sadistic and really torture him, next time he shows up to an event like that, move to stand next to him... The Mid-Lifer has a deathly fear of contracting the LBS Cootie disease that we all have and will do ANYTHING to avoid physical proximity... You could practically chase him around just to watch him squirm.... And, in reality, that might be a good tact to take if he regularly "shows up" at events where you are invited....

It is a form of control and exercise of power over you like "I am here to ensure that you are constantly reminded that I am screwing you over royally and there is nothing you can do about it."  He doesn't want you but then joins a conversation you were already having? what? the pub isn't big enough for him to go talk to other people?

"You didn't listen to what I said"gets nothing more than a "I'm sorry you feel that way." and then walk away... let HIM twist for a while...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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