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Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over

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btw jacs, are you sure you want to be fb friends with him? I was really relieved when unfriended XW and I didn't have to monkey brain about her updates anymore.

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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Jacs,
You didn't mess up - we all live and learn through this nightmare and we figure things out the hard way.
If you are okay with going to the pub and if it doesn't spiral you down, then by all means go - if you want to go to the party, then go.
My anxiety would always just spin out of control when faced with H so that's why I avoided any accidental meetings for the first 1 1/2.

As far as FB - I know it's very tempting to keep track of what he is doing, but again, ask yourself what you are getting out of it other than pain......I know I did not want to know anything about OW or H because it would just send my brain running in circles.

And that is all that we are doing - telling you to do what is best for you. Only you decide, we just share our experiences.

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H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

j
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Hello again.  Back to update and ask some more questions if I can.

First off, the party, I went, he did not!  He had told my friend whose party it was that it was probably not a good idea the day before!  I've also been to the pub a couple of times and he hasn't been there, neither has OW, which sets my head off monkeying but its better than having to watch them together I guess.

Had a great night at the party, which I really didn't expect, had a few moments when I was reminded that he should be there with me and another moment when a friend of his asked me what was going on as he had hear rumours (Sigh).  Anyway, all in all not too bad, although I could of done without the trip to A & E at midnight and being stuck there till 4am with a friend who was a little worse for wear and ended up falling and hurting her leg.  O well, gave us something to laugh about over the weekend!  Laugh!  now it was good to finally laugh.  It doesn't stay with me for long but its a start I guess.  Have yet another party coming up this weekend, I will be very surprised if he doesn't turn up to this one.  But I know OW wont be there as she is not invited so that's a little bit of weight off.

He is still playing avoid avoid avoid.  He hasn't been returning home some nights, and at least not until I have gone to bed.   I have no idea where he is and I'm trying very very hard not to think about it, but it is easier said than done.    I have seen him in passing at home a couple of times over the long weekend, neither time did he speak or acknowledge my existence, so I returned the favour.  And this is where my questions come from.

When he is completely ignoring me as he appears to be at the moment, do I speak to him first i.e. morning or hello, or do I just ignore him unless he speaks to me first?    He is the King of stonewalling so I don't expect this silence to end any time soon, after all its easier for him apparently.    I must admit I really don't understand why he is doing it.  All those years with someone, sharing everything with them, then overnight they suddenly don't even acknowledge your existence is incredibly hurtful.   It just makes for a terrible atmosphere.  Is this a common thing?  Or should I be worried about something else going on that hasn't reared its ugly head yet?  You guys advised me to go dark, is this dark?  To me it seems so alien.  He did send me a snapchat message last night, I think he snaps to see if I have read it or not.  So I haven't even opened it.  It probably only says something about feeding the dogs but frankly I really wasn't in the right space to have any sort of discussion with him.  It sounds very childish and pathetic but if is something more sinister than something to do with the dogs I'm not sure I want to know!

I've been to the doctors again this morning, I am feeling a little better than I was.  I go hour by hour.  Had awful panic attacks on Sunday and last night, triggered by the fact he didn't come home again I guess, which in turn means I find it almost impossible to sleep, without resorting to a sleeping aid.
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Laugh!  now it was good to finally laugh.  It doesn't stay with me for long but its a start I guess. 

Yes! It is a GOOD start jacs, be sure to notice all those little yet so important things, everything on earth is NOT about THEM.

Going dark, don't know about that but I see no reason to say 'hello' or 'good morning' or whatever, it's normal adult behaviour as long as living under same roof. Just don't ask questions or initiate any talks. Someone told me to act like XW was a distant relative, civil but aloof. I couldn't quite do that but I believe it could be the way to go in your case, he makes that rather easy by not talking to you...

I used sleeping aid, still do at times. Nothing is more important than take care of your sleep, tiredness multiplies monkey braining and anxiety and makes everything even more difficult to cope with.


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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

j
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Going dark, don't know about that but I see no reason to say 'hello' or 'good morning' or whatever, it's normal adult behaviour as long as living under same roof. Just don't ask questions or initiate any talks. Someone told me to act like XW was a distant relative, civil but aloof. I couldn't quite do that but I believe it could be the way to go in your case, he makes that rather easy by not talking to you...



Sorry Silver do you  mean I should say hello or good morning even if he hasn't said anything at all to me?
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S
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Quote
When he is completely ignoring me as he appears to be at the moment, do I speak to him first i.e. morning or hello, or do I just ignore him unless he speaks to me first?    He is the King of stonewalling so I don't expect this silence to end any time soon, after all its easier for him apparently.    I must admit I really don't understand why he is doing it.  All those years with someone, sharing everything with them, then overnight they suddenly don't even acknowledge your existence is incredibly hurtful.   It just makes for a terrible atmosphere.  Is this a common thing?  Or should I be worried about something else going on that hasn't reared its ugly head yet?  You guys advised me to go dark, is this dark?

Going dark is about choosing when to respond and when not to say or do anything at all. It does not mean absolute silence and it also does not mean that you can't be bright and breezy. Both approaches can work with each other but it takes practice.  So you could say " Morning " in a bright tone and have no expectations of a response.  That's the hard part - no expectations. 

Soooo....  if you can say it and walk away and truly not be bothered about whether he responds or not then go for it.  It's a good way to show him that you are not going to crumble and neither are you going to walk from your R just because it suits him.  However if you cannot do that then say nothing: but keep busy.

Just don't initiate any attempt at a conversation.

My over-riding concern Jacs is that at this moment in time you are in his place - you have no legal ownership and he may choose to have you evicted.  This is where you have to start creating alternative plans A , B and C.  Choosing not to find somewhere else to live or at least genuinely explore options is going to be a problem.  He is staying away and so for the time being that is a form of space for you but get prepared for the fact that he may stick to what he originally said and that you could stay there for a while.   

You cannot predict what an MLCer will do and one who has complete ownership of where you live is a further problem. 

If you pay rent to him and it is a contract between you and him, rather than an informal arrangement, then he will have to jump through a couple of legalhoops. If you are not paying rent and the house is his, then spend a bit of time seriously looking at your options.  The last thing you want is for this to escalate.

Leaving does not mean that you cannot stand - it just means that you are protecting yourself. 
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

j
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My over-riding concern Jacs is that at this moment in time you are in his place - you have no legal ownership and he may choose to have you evicted.  This is where you have to start creating alternative plans A , B and C.  Choosing not to find somewhere else to live or at least genuinely explore options is going to be a problem.  He is staying away and so for the time being that is a form of space for you but get prepared for the fact that he may stick to what he originally said and that you could stay there for a while.   

You cannot predict what an MLCer will do and one who has complete ownership of where you live is a further problem. 

If you pay rent to him and it is a contract between you and him, rather than an informal arrangement, then he will have to jump through a couple of legalhoops. If you are not paying rent and the house is his, then spend a bit of time seriously looking at your options.  The last thing you want is for this to escalate.

Leaving does not mean that you cannot stand - it just means that you are protecting yourself.



He doesn't own the house, he rents it.  The tenancy is in his name, the Landlord is a personal friend also, who, as far as I know is not aware of the situation at present.  I pay a set amount into his account every month.  I do have a couple of friends I can stay with if needs be should the worse come to the worse, and I have been quietly looking for somewhere to rent but nothing is available at the moment.


Edited for readability - UM
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« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 06:39:13 AM by UrsaMajor »

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I agree with Song, about the contact.  If you can not expect him to reply, why not just be cordial and say..Morning...Night?

That's pretty much going Dark.  Polite but not starting conversations, unless he does.  Even then keep them light and short.

I hate that you are going through this but unless he changes things up, just take care of yourself and yes...try to find other living options if you can.

Hugs, jacs.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Going dark, don't know about that but I see no reason to say 'hello' or 'good morning' or whatever, it's normal adult behaviour as long as living under same roof. Just don't ask questions or initiate any talks. Someone told me to act like XW was a distant relative, civil but aloof. I couldn't quite do that but I believe it could be the way to go in your case, he makes that rather easy by not talking to you...



Sorry Silver do you  mean I should say hello or good morning even if he hasn't said anything at all to me?

Sorry jacs for being imprecise, Song and Thunder explained it very well though.

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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

j
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I'm back again.  Not so good today.  I've been doing OK, keeping out of the way, keeping busy, being bright and cheerful.  And this morning it all went pear shaped.

I was minding my own business having a cup of tea before work and he came and found me and started monstering at me.  He was asking me lots of questions and I didn't know how to respond, and frankly some of the questions he asked me are none of his business any more.  He was annoyed because I went out for the day yesterday "I snuck out like it was a big secret where I was going" when I tried to explain that I am more than happy to tell him where I am going but as he will not talk to me it is very difficult he said "I don't &&&&&& care".  He wanted to know had I told my parents what has happened and what I have told them, he wanted to know if I had looked for somewhere to live as he didn't want %%%** lodger.  He told me once again that the rent on my paddock was due but he was going to pay it so I didn't have any right to it and a whole lot of stuff besides.    Had he asked me in a different manner I might have felt inclined to answer some of them but as it was, I just Uhhu'd when appropriate, agreed when appropriate and avoided answering things I didn't want too.  I had to tell him in the end that I wouldn't be spoken too like that and walked away.  He left then to go to work.

Left me feeling very shaken and upset and now I have a long day at work and I can barely concentrate.  How on earth can someone who you loved turn into such a nasty spiteful individual in a matter of days. Don't answer that I know why its just so hard.  I am pleased that I didn't react, didn't lose my temper or get upset although I think my composure made him worse if that's possible.  It literally came out of nowhere. 

I probably did everything wrong again, and made the situation 1000 times worse.  So advise please, when it happens again, when he starts asking me questions that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about how is the best way to respond?  Should I tell him or should I stick to my guns. 

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