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Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over

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You know why keeping your composure made it worse, right?

You were NOT reacting in the way he wanted so he had to up the ante. It is a game of power and control. As long as you do NOT react the way they want, you do not add fuel to their fire, they have to do something "different" to feed the monster.

From reading your post, the one thing I learned with my xW1 when she was Monster was that, the first time she started screaming/monstering/swearing, that was the end of the discussion. "You will not speak with me like that. You have <x> seconds to speak calmly or this conversation is over" and I'd start counting..... and that was the end.  Letting him do it over and over before telling him to grow up is showing that you are not serious about that as a boundary.... Meanwhile, keep looking for a place to live and get the Hades out of there....



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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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jacs, I'm sorry he Monstered at you.  You did good to stay calm, but I agree with UM he was looking for a big fight, you didn't give it to him so he got frustrated and got angrier.  Monsters don't like to be ignored.

If you don't take the bait he will eventually see he is wasting his time trying to get you to argue.
Arguing takes two people.  Just refuse to be one of them and he will find someone or something else to Monster at.

I sure hope you can find a place soon so you can get away from him.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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You did NOTHING wrong. And NOTHING to cause it or make it worse.
But the situation you are in is wrong and unhealthy and you need to get out of it asap.
At best, this is bullying. At worst it is abuse. As UM says it is all about power and control. Which is why your success in staying calm and walking away made him so angry.

Nobody makes someone else be abusive.
But you can't avoid it, ignore it or accept it for too long before it either really damages you or gets much worse.
Please ask your friends for help and make a plan to remove yourself from a terrible situation, jacs, before it gets much worse. it is hard and it is even harder to accept someone acting this way, but life will be easier when you are safe from being abused and walking on eggshells waiting for the next horrible moment.
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« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 04:46:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

S
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I totally agree with the others.

You did everything right in the first instance and then showed real courage in attempting to explain.

Problem is - when an MLCer is in monster mode like that - their hearing becomes extrememly impaired and twists everything you say.

This is about him. UM is correct - you didn't react to him - you chose to remain calm and this is where imposing boundaries and going dark is so helpful.

UM, Treasur and Thunder give good advice and and learning to place the occasional truth dart is really helpful to show the MLCer he cannot get to you.   

Remember too an MLCer looks for blame. They know that what they are doing or how they are behaving is wrong - they choose to blame external forces and whilst you live with him in his house - you will be the source and focus point of that blame.

Don't be noble and stay there - this could escalate so for your own safety; get your friends up to speed about what is happening and warn them that you may be staying there sooner rather than later.

What you will find now is one of three things:
The MLCer will become worse and more verbally abusive
or
he will go quiet and things will return back to the relative calm of the earlier few days. However this is a time for caution and being very aware of what he is saying and doing
or
he will turn on charm monster, squirm his way back in - become all calm and talk at you why you should do this and he should do the other.  Charming , calm monster is manipulative and will do all he can to make YOU feel guilty and responsible. 

However this is the time to practice establishing the boundary quickly and clearly.  Um gives a good example

"H I do not accept you shouting at me and so the next time you raise your voice, I will ask you to stop and if you cannot, I will finish the conversation and walk away"

Short and to the point and then follow through.

However this kind of torrent of verbal abuse has to be stoppped and so go very dark. Keep bright and breezy and sort out your finances over the paddock.  His threat is an empty one re this because if you have been paying the rent on it - just his one contribution does not make it his.

Nevertheless, he is going to use this against you and you need to be really sorting out where to live.

I know what it's like in the UK rental market at the moment but have you thought of applying to the council for accommodation? Contact citizen's advice and talk to them.

Jacs - either way this is abuse - whether it's a one off or the potential for continuous.  Respect yourself above all else.

Happy to provide you with lots of words and techniques but bear in mind that MLC will take its course and no amount of tactics or strategies will convince the MLCer to stop having an MLC . Navigating this mess takes years and can drain an LBS beyond belief so by all means learn how to help yourself but don't put yourself in the firing line any more than you have to.
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« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 12:54:51 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

j
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I had the monster again last night.  I had been out all day (wrong thing to do apparently) returned home at tea time, he was in the pub as usual, and as per usual I didn't expect him home before I went to bed.  Wrong.  Around 8pm he came home and started spewing immediately.  Wanting to know who Ive been speaking to, have I spoken with my parents, what am I doing about finding somewhere to live etc etc.  Once again he was raising his voice and swearing at me, so I told him once again not to speak to me like that.  He turned the tv off at the power and threatened to turn the wifi off as I would not engage with him.  I went to leave the room, he slammed the door and stood in my way.  In the end I told him that I would leave if he didn't get out of my way, he moved and then proceeded to follow me around the house.

This went on for about half an hour.  He was accusing me of all sorts of things, mainly the things he's been doing, going out and staying out till late if coming home at all, therefore he doesn't know if I have fed the dogs or not etc etc.  I pointed out that this was not true and that in actual fact he has been the one that has been doing this backed up with examples.  He then said that "next time I disappear you wont need to worry about my dogs as I have made arrangements for someone to feed them and they wont be here".    He was complaining about walking the dogs, including mine, every morning for 10 miles for the last few weeks, I pointed out that he had decided to get fit and started walking for miles and that he had chosen to take the dogs with him, and that it has nothing to do with me, as I walk the dogs myself also, to which he replied "yes with Elaine and others so you can have a good gossip about whats going on, and anyway from now on I wont do anything with your dogs and only see to mine".  (OKKKKKKK  So why did you take my dogs with you on your walk this morning mister?)   Some of the stuff he was saying was just bizarre and he was constantly contradicting himself.

Yesterday morning because he met me on the back lane to the pub (his friend was taking him to collect his car from the pub as as usual he had drunk too much the night before) which also happens to be the same road to A & T house which is where I was going, I was checking up on him!  (Idiot you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out where you car is pal when you've arrived home the night before on your bike and I don't care anyway.) 
 
I have sorted out the field rent, he didn't like that at all.  He threatened to go to my parents house and tell them whats been going on - he didn't.  He says I am gadding about like nothing has happened without a care in the world, that I am never at home (really - how would he know HES NOT HERE)  It went on and on and on.  In the end I told him that I was leaving as he was not respecting my request to not shout and swear at me.  He demanded to know if I was coming back that night.

I have recorded the entire conversation.  I'm not sure why I did it at the time, but it has been interesting listening to it back and gleaning what I was, or more to the point, wasn't saying that seemed to inflame him.

When I got home a couple of hours later he was still there, I went to bed, said goodnight on the way and had a "night then" in response.

This morning he responded to my good morning.

I have my friends A & T aware of the situation and I can go there at a moments notice, I have a key.    The whole thing is just bizarre.

On one hand he wants to do his own thing, see who he wants when he wants.  I have stepped right back and let him get on with it.  I do not question where he's been, who with, when he's coming back, zip nada. However, the fact that I too, am getting out and doing things, really seems to be angering him, and he's demanding to know everything.  He's accusing me of doing things that he's blatantly been doing (I know projection).

One thing I did want to point out.  He has a firearms and shotgun licence, this is the reason he uses for not going to the doctors about his depression.  If for one second I feel under any sort of physical threat from him I will have no hesitation to call the police.  That would be an absolute last resort and he is well aware of the implications of this and it would be a devastating blow to him.

House hunt is still ongoing.  But not found a thing suitable as yet.
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Ok, jacs, this is all good...I can see that you are in a different place than a few weeks ago when you were shocked and blaming yourself.
You have plans in case you need to protect your safety, a bolthole with friends if you need it and you are looking for a place to live away from this insanity. You are also managing to not engage with his monster spew and as far as I can tell not playing games or snooping or adding to the drama. All good.

It is odd when you start to see just how bizarre their behaviour is and how much of what they say is projection and control. It is a weird experience but a good reminder that this isn't about you and that nothing you say or do, no amount of love or logic, will make any difference to him. But looking after yourself first and detaching from the crazy rollercoaster as much as you can will make a tremendous difference for you.

Keep home hunting....and find some nice things to enjoy when the sunshine comes back x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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So, let's see if I got this right here....

He wants you gone but when you are, he tosses a wobbly....
He berates you about the rent for the paddock but when you take care of it, he is mad ....
You live in a village with 2 roads and if he sees you on one of them, you are "checking up" on him...
He complains about taking care of your dogs but then takes them on his walks anyway
Oh, and while he's at it, he's walking for miles and complains about that too...
He threatens retaliation if you do not engage the monster
he physically blocked the door to keep you from walking away from Monster...
He's threatening to go to your parents house and tell them what's going on (don't they already know from you? If not, they should) and this is a threat how?
He demands to know what you are doing, with whom, and for how long but doesn't give you the same information... Has he morphed into your father now?
He threatens to "disappear" and says that his dogs are taken care of... OK, don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out...

Quote
He says I am gadding about like nothing has happened without a care in the world,

THIS sums it up in a nut shell... You are not sitting at home crying in a puddle of tears in your little stasis box and crocheting lace doilies waiting for him to return.. and he doesn't like that...

And, just to add a little light and brevity to the subject, he's a depressed drunk with access to guns and a temper... Oh JOY! 


The sooner you can get out of Hades, the better.... Then just leave him to it... It is his crisis, his $#!t show, his circus, his monkeys, his farm, his cows, and his BS to deal with...

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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

S
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I cannot top what UM says or his gifs which just made me howl with laughter.

Jacs - this is really good work. Can you now see that it is not about you but completely and utterly his crisis. 

If I had to say one thing it would be to try and stop the monstering sooner.  So two things.

Firstly truth darts - validate what they say " I'm sorry you feel that way..... (and then add the dart) but you know it's not true"

Keep repeating that until he accuses you of being a stuck record.

Secondly - Find a reason or just leave the house when he starts.   Use the boundary phrase.... " H if you continue to raise your voice/follow me/continue with these accusations, I will leave the house and not return until you are calm and can talk rationally"

By removing yourself sooner rather than later you will avoid an escalation.   He may continue the moment you get back so you just do it again.

He is like a three yr old child having tantrums and the best way to deal with it is not to deal with it as a fixer would as in reply to everything he says and react accordingly. Sometimes just standing quietly in a neutral position( no arms folded) head slightly tilted and listening with your eyes can stop an MLCer in their tracks because they have this knack of reading body language and will be able to see that you are listening to them and remaining silent.  That can sometimes scare the bejesus out of them.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

j
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So its been a difficult week... again.  I've seen the monster again once, demanding to know had I found somewhere to live and was I actually even looking,  although no where near as bad as last time.  It seems monster only appears if I appear to be in a good mood and busy doing things, which I find very odd.  I headed monster off before he really got started and its been relatively peaceful since.

My elderly mother had a fall last week and has managed to break her ankle in two places and has made quite a mess of it.  She needs to have it pinned and plated but it has been too swollen to do much at the moment.  She has an appointment again tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to operate as they are running out of time.  Its all very stressful.

Needless to say,H has not even mentioned my mother let alone ask how she it, which I find very strange.  My mother has always had a wonderful relationship with him but he seems to have cut them from his life too.

He is pretty much totally ignoring me and avoiding me at all costs still, apart from the odd monstering episode.  I really am struggling with coming to terms with the utter hatred he seems to have towards me. Nor do I understand the lengths he is prepared to go to avoid me.  I've really been struggling with the monkey braining, and feel like I am driving myself mad.

I need to ask for some advice please, it is his 53rd birthday on Saturday and I have no idea how I should handle the situation.  Do I wish him a happy birthday or completely ignore it?  I am dreading it actually, it should be a day we do things together and instead I shall probably spend the day trying to hide from him. 

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Hi jacs

I don’t think it ever hurts to send a brief text, but keep it short and quite simple - like you’re messaging a distant old relative

Hope that helps

X
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