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Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over

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Jacs, I'm very sorry you are going through this. It's very very tough..

I have read your thread on and off so I might not know your story fully but from what I know and what you wrote in your last post, I think you are hoping all of this will go away and that if you show him how much he's hurting you, it will make him snap out of it.. I know this because I've been there but now that some time has gone by, I see things differently and I will tell you how I see them in my case and hopefully this will help you..

My H ended our marriage and from that point on, I became an inconvenience. Well, I was probably an inconvenience before that point but he "tolerated" me because I was still "officially his wife" although he treated me very bad. At BD2, he was clear he wanted to move on so as far as he was concerned, there was nothing else to talk about other than practicalities. Any attempt from me to discuss the situation was met with anger because he already had said he was done, why was I questioning his decision? Why did I have hope when he was so clear? In relation to OW, as far as he was concerned, he was free.. So even talking to OW on the phone while I was in the same room was acceptable and it was shocking for him I would be upset about that... Sure, we were no longer together, what was to be upset about?

All I said in the previous paragraph is what I think was his mindset... I had a lot of emotions about it off course but as insane as it sounds, that WAS his mindset and I was going against it.. And the more I tried to change his mind, the meaner he became because as far as he was concerned, I was not respecting him or listening to what he wanted. So the only option I had was to let go and regain some peace... My choice was to ask him to move out even though I was petrified I was making a mistake... I just couldn't live that anymore because it was destroying me as a person.

I fully agree with Ready, you need to get out of there and start looking after yourself by having less contact.. Unfortunately (and I hate to say this because I know how much it hurts to read it but needs to be said) he's gone and there's nothing you can do to bring him back. He's mentally and emotionally gone and he will be like that for a long time. Sharing the same house is currently causing you a lot of personal pain and is keeping you in the roller-coaster. You need to find a place where you can regroup and focus on yourself to heal. There's no shortcuts, it's a painful journey but none of got a choice here. Right now, self preservation should be your number 1 priority.

Big hugs!

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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

j
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Thank you both.  I am a scouring the estate agent's every day.  No luck as yet.

One day I understand what you are saying.  And yes there are moments when I wish he would change back,  of course I do it's what we all want isnt it?  I know he's gone and I know I need to protect myself.

  I'm spending as much time as I can at my friends and stay there several nights a week.  What I don't understand is why when he obviously despises me so much and wants me gone does he message me demanding to know where I am and when I will be back.  He did exactly that last night via snapchat.  I have told him severAl times im trying to stay out of his way.   I don't ask him anything, I never have,he comes and goes as he pleases without any interference from me. I

Last night I responded with " I am doing my best to stay out of your way.  I have no issue with seeing to your dogs at all.  I do not ask anything of you at all nor do I question you about where you are or what you are doing.  You have stated quite forcibly several times you don't want me there.  Until the point I find somewhere to live I will do my best to stay out of your way.  In the meantime I would appreciate it if you left me alone"

He left me be after that and I even got  morning when I came back.  Hopefully it will work.  Every time he contacts me it sets me off as I don't need it.

Whether it was right of wrong I don't know but I needed to set a boundary for my own sake.
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S
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  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Good - youhave stated a boundary - now stick to it and should you have to repeat which I guarantee you will have to do - keep your words even fewer.

EG  " As you have requested, I am staying away whilst I search for my own place. I will only contact you in the case of an emergency. "

Simple, clear and actionable.

No need to mention the dogs again - look after your own and if he wants you to tend to his dogs then he has to ask you nicely.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

j
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Thank you SAD.  Hes been civil since the text and hasn't bothered me since so fingers crossed.

A question for you and anyone that would like to give me your opinions.  Today he has once again, shared a memory of mine on facebook, a memory from 4 years ago when I took him skydiving for his birthday.  Why on earth would he share that?  Is it just part of the mindf&&&y?

I'm not reading anything into it just trying to get my head round it. 

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I might be wrong but could be sign of confusion. I remember 2 situations where I saw something similar in my H
- We were separated but still living as roommates but he was due to move out soon. We were looking at the grass in the back garden and talking about a bold patch.. He said "We could dig it out, get better soil and reseed" My thought was WTF? WE? You are moving out!!! But I just nodded and changed the subject
- He had been living with his parents for 6 months and was due to move abroad in a few weeks but he was in my house helping up with an issue with the house alarm. The alarm engineer said I could change the part of the alarm system to resolve the issue and he immediately asked "How much will that cost?"  ??? I had already taken over all the house expenses so I really don't understand why he would even ask :-X

Personally, I would ignore it. And you will never get your head around it, no sane person would.
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

S
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  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Yep - it's part of the mindfog that they have.

Remember they re-write history and also memories of the past few years go into a blur. So he may just have simply not connected that you took him but that he did it. Does that make sense. 

Try not to follow his FB - it only serves to confuse and hurt.

You just have to leave them to it.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

F
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Hey Jacs,

Following along. There is nothing easy about this journey but you have been getting sound advice and putting it to use. That's a step in the right directions. Setting boundaries isn't easy so good for you for doing that!!

As for the fb memory, my first suggestion is to stop watching. I know it's hard. I was the queen of snooping initially. I wanted to know all I could about everything including the OW. It gave me a "sense" of control. "Knowing" what I was up against. When I finally gave it up and stopped watching the $h!te show. It gradually lost it's power over me and I was much better off. Secondly... like mentioned before he might not even realize that you were part of that memory. It really is crazy and they do totally rewrite history. My H absolutely had to have his cutting board. When I gave it to him he commented about how he was so glad to have it since his parents gave it to him. That's not where it came from, it was a Bday gift from me!?!?!? This item that he treasured so much but couldn't remember who actually gave it to him ???.

Hang in there! Also great advice on the 5HTP etc. For me L theanine was a supplement that really helped me with the emotions, tears, and anxiety!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

j
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Yep - it's part of the mindfog that they have.

Remember they re-write history and also memories of the past few years go into a blur. So he may just have simply not connected that you took him but that he did it. Does that make sense. 

Try not to follow his FB - it only serves to confuse and hurt.

You just have to leave them to it.

No he definitely knows it was me, it pictures I took of us.  The memories he shared has my name written all over it.
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Try not to follow his FB - it only serves to confuse and hurt.


jacs, I second what Song said. One of the best decisions I made was to unfriend XW in FB. She got mad about it but I calmly told her that it was for my own peace of mind.
It really did serve that purpose to me! If you don't want to completely remove him from you friends, just ignore him, still I'd suggest the 1st option.
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

D
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The first week I moved out, I completely shut down Facebook.  I used it heavily when we were still a family.  I've never missed it since turning it off.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

 

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