Author Topic: My Story Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over  (Read 2723 times)

Offline Penelope2018

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My Story Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #80 on: June 17, 2019, 03:25:47 PM »
I wouldn't wish him happy anything and carry on like it was any other day.
MLC XH - 42 currently
M - 34 currently
Mini BD - Feb 2017  - Doesn't want to be married to a "sad" person.
Angry b/c I was depressed from my Grandmother's death in 12/16
BD - July 2017 - spent the previous 3 months in his home country with OW
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
I moved out for four months
Moved back in for 8.5 months
Moved back out 12/2018 - practicing NC
Married - 15 Y
No kids

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #81 on: June 17, 2019, 03:33:22 PM »
There is nothing wrong with saying or texting just the words " happy birthday " . Attach nothing to it interms of emojis or anything. If you say it - then be just bright and breezy in tone and preferably say it before you leave or walk away.

Him approaching you when you are in a good mood is typical MLC monster.... devious, cunning and aiming to upset you.  How could you be so normal and upbeat when he thinks you should be crying and begging him  etc etc.....

So he tries to wind you up and upset you so that he can " win"

That said - you really do need to find somewhere soon. Even with your friends.  I assume that you can't stay with your mother as she may not be local?

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #82 on: June 18, 2019, 12:10:13 PM »
I always just Texted: Wishing you a Happy Birthday - no more no less

Unless you do not wish him a happy anything, in which case I would just do nothing. I am sorry to hear about your mom. Since she won't be able to move much with a broken ankle, do you think you could stay with her for some time ? He seems to be determined to get you moving, so I would really start looking before he gets really ugly and gets you evicted or something like that. Have you looked any more for a job ? You have to be ready for him to cut you off financially as well, so I would try to find something soon.


Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline jacsTopic starter

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #83 on: June 19, 2019, 06:58:54 AM »
Thank you all for your replys.

Living with my mother is a no go - they dont have the room and are not allowed pets.

Still house hunting and job hunting with no success so far. 

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, he has announced out of the blue, that I have until the 13th of July to remove my horse as he will be taking down the fencing and stable as "nothing seems to be happening" (I have a stable and hay storage and a very small paddock in the garden of the house) this will just leave with me with the field I rent from the farmer next door.

So on I trudge - trying to stay away from the house (and the pub) as much as possible, living like a nomad, staying out of his way while trying to hold everything else together.  It just feels like a non ending cycle of being kicked in the guts every time I try to get up.


Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #84 on: June 19, 2019, 07:17:44 PM »
Hello,

I have absolutely no knowledge of UK law, but I don't think he has a right to remove the stable as that has a direct impact on you and your lifestyle. Its the same as throwing your things out the door.

You have been together for four years. You have been living and grown accustomed to a lifestyle that he has help provide. You have done thing for him as well.

Keep looking for a place and a job, but also see what rights you have in this situation. Part of standing is realizing that you have control and choice in this situation and the game does not have to be played by his rules.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #85 on: June 20, 2019, 12:19:51 AM »
Quote
I have absolutely no knowledge of UK law, but I don't think he has a right to remove the stable as that has a direct impact on you and your lifestyle. Its the same as throwing your things out the door.

Ready - sadly I believe he does have the right and has given Jacs sufficient notice.  Her H rents the house (Jacs moved in to join him) and so probably has the right to remove the fence. Hoistorically it may well have been an agreement with the landlord that he could install one in the first place for Jac's horse and so he has the right of removal.

Unfortunately for Jacs, as she is not on the lease, her rights as a tenant are few. 
However she could argue that she is his common law wife but there are few rights unless children are involved.

This is the problem with moving in to anywhere without establishing your legal rights.  In the heady romantic fervour - the last thing any couple really thinks about is the legal issues if it all goes wrong.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline jacsTopic starter

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #86 on: June 22, 2019, 02:55:18 AM »
Struggling today.  It's his birthday.  When I got back from work yesterday afternoon he had gone, taken his dogs with him and clearly an overnight bag.  I don't expect he will be back this weekend.  I feel so low and incredibly lonely and hurt.

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I have texted him happy birthday and hope you have a lovely day.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #87 on: June 23, 2019, 01:14:54 AM »
Struggling today.  It's his birthday.  When I got back from work yesterday afternoon he had gone, taken his dogs with him and clearly an overnight bag.  I don't expect he will be back this weekend.  I feel so low and incredibly lonely and hurt.

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I have texted him happy birthday and hope you have a lovely day.

It is what it is Jacs. Neither right nor wrong - just normal and you being authentic.  So sorry that you're going through this pain.  I remember it well.

Today - make a decision to do three things - they can be simple, they can be complex.  Go for a ride on your horse - enjoy the countryside and views.  Keep busy. Doing nothing is sometimes more destructive

There would be nothing wrong with having a bit of a duvet day - I know that contradicts what I said...... 

However maybe one of your three things is to self -indulge, have a good cry,allow yourself to feel c**p.  Then have a shower, bath, pamper yourself.  Read (if you can - it took me years to start reading books again) do newspaper puzzles or quizzes.  Devour everything that is on this forum over and over again.

What I'm saying is - use the time  that you are on your own to HELP YOU.  Don't spend it worrying or panicking.  Spend it on you however or whatever works for you. 

Being lonely is horrible but I discovered I would rather be alone than lonely and I would rather spend my time doing what I needed/wanted/felt like doing than wondering about what monster H would say or do.

It takes courage and effort - but choosing to look after your needs/wants etc is the best thing you can do.

Have you read the book - Detach and Survive.  I think you can kindle it via Amazon. I bought a hard copy - it really helped me understand how to look after me.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline jacsTopic starter

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #88 on: July 01, 2019, 03:35:06 AM »
So he totally ignored my Happy Birthday message.  Reappeared on Sunday afternoon after spending the weekend with her.  I now know for a fact that he is seeing the woman from the pub - its devastated me. Once again my life feels like someone has pulled the rug from under my feet.  I'm desperately hard to get back up on my feet but keep falling back down.

I don't know whether I should confront him over this or just leave it be.  I want to see him how much pain he is causing me but I know its a wasted effort. 

He is being particularly petty over things now, in fact just this morning he sent me a stroppy text after I had left to work about seeing to my dogs - I had fed all the dogs including his, all he had to do was put two of mine back in their run, apprantly that's me taking the p*** now.    We have always both mucked in to seeing to the dogs, at the weekend he went off sea fishing - I saw to his dogs.  No biggie.  Well at least I thought it wasn't.  Seems I got that wrong too.  I haven't responded to his message and not sure whether I should.

He has even hidden some rocky road that his crazy has made for him, after their weekend together, in the electrical cupboard - how old is he, cause I don't know many 53 year old who would go to the trouble of hiding some cake!  Its so pathetic its quite funny.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
« Reply #89 on: July 01, 2019, 04:10:13 AM »
Hello,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was just as devastated when I found out about the OP.  I am also sorry about your home situation.

You need to let him go and your priority is taking care of yourself and your situation. You need to find a place and get out of there as soon as possible and start living as if he is never coming back.

This is a tough assignment given your animals and other factors, but this should be your only focus.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

 

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