Author Topic: My Story Bits and Pieces  (Read 1110 times)

Offline AnonTopic starter

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My Story Bits and Pieces
« on: April 18, 2019, 06:42:44 PM »
I didn't plan on starting a new thread but here I am,,, starting a new thread. 

My story (in more detail than I've ever revealed before):
Best friends since 1996, he was my roommate for about 18 mo.   H was interested in me immediately but I wasn't interested in him at all that way.   We did lots together and had fun, just as friends, even after he was no longer my roommate.    Then in 1998, he told me he wanted to reduce the frequency of contact because he still had those romantic thoughts about me and it was too hard to continue.   To my surprise I didn't like hearing that, told him I felt more than friends too, and we began to date.  I fell hard and fast after that.  H was ecstatic and went overboard showing me the most romantic side of him.  I was blown away.   Engaged 1999, but cancelled when H's 18 yr old son was killed in a highway accident in 2000.  It was a horrible time for him and all of us who loved him and his son.  Soon, H soon distanced himself from me and everyone else he felt couldn't relate to the experience of losing a child.  That included me, although I lost my only sibling to an accident when I was 28 yr old.  Not the same as losing a child, I agree but still an incredible loss than just didn't seem to count to him at all.  We split romantically by the end of 2000, but intended to remain friends.   His grief was just awful to see.   He would come over to visit but he was just so antsy and anxious he couldn't manage to stay longer than 1/2 hour or so.   He would do anything to escape the pain of his loss but nothing worked, of course.   It followed him wherever he went.   

When he distanced himself from me romantically I was hurt but understanding.   It was nothing like BD after we were married.   Not even close.   I got on with life quite easily back then.  Happy to be friends, still hurt for awhile about the loss of the romantic relationship, but really was okay getting on with my life and not expecting to resume anything. 

We had very sporadic contact between 2001 and 2003.   In mid 2001 he met a woman who was his sisters step daughter and they began a very short lived romance.   Hot and heavy to the point that he planned to relocate to where she lived after seeing her for one week and then phone calls after that for just 2 months.   He was crazy about her but something happened and he didn't relocate.   To this day he considers he dodged a bullet there because she is one weird woman according to him.

Mid 2003, his feelings seem to change again in relation to me and he showed again a lot of interest romantically.   I fell in right away and couldn't be happier to have him back as a boyfriend.   We married a year later and had a great marriage (I thought) until a year or so before BD and then at BD it all blew up, of course.   I thought at the time that he had moved through some grief stages and now wanted our relationship back.   Now... I wonder.... was he in MLC then?   And when he came back did he shortcut his MLC journey?  He was 45 yr. old when his son was killed.  It was only 24 months later (approx) that he resumed with me in 2003.   Then married in mid 2004.

I wonder now if he was in a MLC from 2000 - 2003, and if resuming with me cut short his journey.   If so,,, no wonder his MLC came back with vengeance in 2017. 

So... that's my back story.   BD June 2017 out of nowhere.   OW who he met at a high school reunion present for 3 weeks before BD.   Good marriage before then but not exactly lustful in the bedroom.   We had passed that crazed stage but it seems that's what he wanted and could be why he left.   Those new relationship feelings where sex predominates.  It's all about that and his OW is at the ready at a moments notice.   


Where am I now?   I don't know anymore.    What I do know is I am still very confused.   I'm pretty sure I don't want to reconcile  with H but at the same time I dwell and obsess on what's happened and what he's doing ,,, endlessly. 

I just started seeing a new psychologist (the 3rd one and the other 2 were useless).   This guy seems promising.   He is a Family Therapist specializing in EMDR, PTSD, trauma etc.  I've had one visit.   We talked about my interest in moving on but feeling held back somehow so my progress is pretty slow.  He called this 'sediment'.   In the beginning it's pure chaos and hell but eventually unresolved things settle as sediment but we can still improve and progress.   But that sediment... think of a flowing river.  The river continues to flow around the sediment, sometimes getting backed up by it but slowly making it's way through it.   Contrast that with a river flowing with no sediment in it's way.   It moves quickly and freely and as it should.    He says this sediment is what's creating my dwelling and obsessing.   I believe him.   I don't want to reconcile - but I do want to stop obsessing.   

My homework after session 1 with the psychologist is this:   make a list of what angers you, and don't hold back.  It's all important. 
Well,,, for someone who doesn't feel much anger of late, this really stirred up quite a bit of anger.   Back to the beginning anger like.. how could you just decide that unilaterally and leave after 21 years?  without even a conversation?   And... the anger that goes with knowing that H and OW were conspiring how to get him out of his marriage while I was oblivious that there was even a problem.   And.... the anger that goes with knowing he had to completely throw me under the bus to family and friends in order for them to make sense of his awful actions.   

All this needs to be brought out again into the light of day to be examined and dealt with,,, and well, the anger is pretty intense.   I'm glad I found this therapist.   I think he is on the right track unlike the previous 2 I've seen.   He is trained in PTSD, EMDR etc so I'm sure if he thinks I'll benefit he will tell me and that's the direction we will take. 

Back to my thread title - Bits and Pieces - that's what this stage of my recovery feels like.   My thoughts are all over the place.   There isn't really a rhyme or reason to what I think from one day to the next.   I do believe I'm good at suppressing feelings and ignoring the pain and horror.   I'm so good at it that I feel less affected by my LBS experience than many here.   At the same time,,, I think the real thoughts and the raw pain, are there but I haven't been willing to bring them to the surface and address them.   I think I could be in for a bumpy ride with this new therapist. 

In the meantime, it seems my H still has to have some kind of regular contact.   Less than just after BD but still pretty often.   We used to hug in the early days and show some affection but not for ages now.  I refuse and he seems fine with it too.   We couldn't be more distant than we are now but even so, he just added a few hundred dollars to his regular payment to me so I could deal with a few irregular expenses (new tires, vet bill etc.)   That pleased me for reasons way beyond that I could use the money.  His behavior is confusing and my reaction (or not) is confusing too.   Despite what I think about my great progress,, I think I'm mostly kidding myself and I still have a long way to go and a lot more to understand about myself and where I am in this quagmire.   

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10583.0









   
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 10:23:27 PM by Thunder »

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2019, 08:15:40 PM »
Anon.. I wanted you to know that 2 days ago I posted this huge long post to you and lost the entire thing! Ugh. By then it was after midnight and I was exhausted . I had suggested PTSD and to see about EMDR...and it sounds like you have taken steps in that direction. EMDR helped me tremendously ..maybe even saved me. It is NOT a magic pill and there is much work to do as well, but it "dulled" the sharp edges that cut me every single day. Rumination. A horrible place the brain takes us as we try to process trauma. To this day ( almost 5 years ) I have to be very aware of my thinking and be pro-active about my tendency to ruminate over and over and over. I think you have made a great move in the right direction.

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how could you just decide that unilaterally and leave after 21 years?  without even a conversation?   And... the anger that goes with knowing that H and OW were conspiring how to get him out of his marriage while I was oblivious that there was even a problem.   And.... the anger that goes with knowing he had to completely throw me under the bus to family and friends in order for them to make sense of his awful actions.   
.

Just reading this, I can feel anger . My anger and utter rage has been my #1 struggle. I believe I finally have it under control or it is done with me and has passed. Anger is very important to process trauma . And you are right . WHO DOES THIS?   After 21 years ..for me it was over 30. And how DARE there be no conversation and all decisions about MY life was up to him and some temporary OW?. I was most enraged that SHE knew MY marriage was "over" before I did !.   Regardless, I do wish you great success with this new trauma counsellor and I will be following along .

Interesting article:

https://drjillmanning.com/betrayal-trauma/
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 08:20:26 PM by barbiedoll »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Treasur

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2019, 12:53:42 AM »
Sediment fits how it feels/felt to me too. And like Barbie, EMDR saved my life and spirit.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2019, 11:58:37 AM »
Still riding along with you Anon. So glad you seemed to have gotten a decent therapist this time. I gave up after 2 and there aren't many more where I am at.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2019, 02:40:22 PM »

  Despite what I think about my great progress,, I think I'm mostly kidding myself and I still have a long way to go and a lot more to understand about myself and where I am in this quagmire.   


Yep, here is where I am too. Except that I began this over a year before you. I think I kidded myself that first full year, maybe more, that my H would just return. That there really was no OW. That we were....wait for it....DIFFERENT. Ummm Hmmmmm. 

Anywho, my take on all this is that if you are questioning your own healing, then, by definition, you are healing. Every day, bit by bit. Maybe in such small increments, it is not noticeable to the naked eye. But certainly in retrospect, you will see it. I always joke that I am going to be the healthiest most "healed" person on the planet after all this. I dare say we all will be. We are all here. Looking for answers. Looking for advice. Trying to be graceful. Trying to choose joy. All while at the threshold of hell.

Much of what you wrote resonates with me. I am really awesome at suppressing feelings and emotions too. Quite stoic and controlled....until I explode. Usually via chardonnay. I am very interested to hear about your EMDR therapy. The more I hear Treasur and Barbie talk about it, the more I think I may need it too.

I admire your strength and honestly. I have great hope for you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2019, 09:59:29 PM »
Barbie, Treasur, Schratz, Kit,,, thanks for taking the time to read and post!  Your comments are all so valuable.   

Schratz,,,thanks for following along.   Are you out of options for therapists in your area?  I hope not and I hope you give it another try.   I know that I was not ready to do the work I need to do with my 3rd therapist until now.  If I had tried even 6 months ago it would have bombed again because I wasn't ready to recover and move forward.   I wanted to stay stuck and where I was and resisted any suggestion on their part that my healing depended on my willingness to let go.   So I baffled them with BS and told them what they wanted to hear.  Therapy for me then, was just too soon.   Back then I just needed a shoulder to cry on... a lot.   

Ahh, Barbie... I hate that when we lose our well thought out lengthy posts, and I even hate it more when it was a post for me from someone as wise as you are.   I never thought the rumination had anything to do with unprocessed trauma.   I thought it meant I had to be still pining for my H, which I really am not.   But yes, I definitely ruminate, and obsess and the MLC fallout is pretty much on my mind 24/7.   I would give anything to have normal thoughts about normal things and normal problems.   Not this sick obsessing over what my adulterous husband did to me.   It's like a poison and I hope my therapist helps me resolve it once and for all.    I am serious about moving on and truly want to put this MLC horror in my rear view mirror.  It's frustrating that I can't so I hope EMDR, PTSD, or whatever therapy is out there, this therapist will know what's best for me.   

The assignment to recall what angers me the most about what happened is quite the trip.   Purposely going there (instead of purposely not going there), has been truly eye opening about all that I have suppressed.   The ugliness of it all, the rage, the devastation to me and my well-being,,, oh wow,,, to recall that and let it come forth is freeing.  I see it for what it is now, and not what I wish it was.   I've buried a lot to psychologically survive and to get to where I am now.   

I didn't deserve what happened to me and my marriage.   None of us deserved it.   My marriage was solid (haha), I had 100% emotional security, and I was happy.   Really happy.  Life was good.   Until it wasn't.    I can't believe I didn't recognize his shallowness and his inability to truly love.   I have to take some of the blame for my tragic blindside.   It was coming all along, from the first day we met, and I just chose to look the other way and not question those little irregularities throughout the marriage that were signposts of something ominous to come one day.   

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I am really awesome at suppressing feelings and emotions too. Quite stoic and controlled....until I explode. Usually via chardonnay.
I can relate!  Except the match to my dynamite is usually Pinot Grigio.   

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I admire your strength and honestly. I have great hope for you.

Thanks Kit but this is how I feel about LBS's in general.   We lived through (and still are) one of life's most painful tragedies.   At first we survived by taking each day hour by hour, then began slowly rebuilding our lives.  Eventually we thrive,,, if not now, but eventually when we are through our own tunnel.   We gain strength this way but,,, I still greatly resent H for forcing this growth on me instead of me choosing my own time to grow and become strong.    (See,,, I have lots of work to do with that therapist, lol).   

Have a great night everyone  - it's late here and I have to work tomorrow.   :-\


Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2019, 10:26:01 AM »
Unfortunately there are no more therapists in my area that are covered by my insurance and I really can't afford out of pocket costs right now.
The forum will be my therapy  :D
You are right - none of us deserved it - like you I should have seen my H inability for true, deep emotions. I just always thought he just couldn't show them due to his FOO cold upbringing.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2019, 04:46:22 AM »
To be fair this forum is probably more helpful than many therapists out there!  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2019, 04:55:46 AM »
I agree with you Morte 100%

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2019, 08:08:59 AM »
Following Anon!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

 

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