Author Topic: My Story Bits and Pieces  (Read 1113 times)

Offline AnonTopic starter

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My Story Bits and Pieces
« on: April 18, 2019, 06:42:44 PM »
I didn't plan on starting a new thread but here I am,,, starting a new thread. 

My story (in more detail than I've ever revealed before):
Best friends since 1996, he was my roommate for about 18 mo.   H was interested in me immediately but I wasn't interested in him at all that way.   We did lots together and had fun, just as friends, even after he was no longer my roommate.    Then in 1998, he told me he wanted to reduce the frequency of contact because he still had those romantic thoughts about me and it was too hard to continue.   To my surprise I didn't like hearing that, told him I felt more than friends too, and we began to date.  I fell hard and fast after that.  H was ecstatic and went overboard showing me the most romantic side of him.  I was blown away.   Engaged 1999, but cancelled when H's 18 yr old son was killed in a highway accident in 2000.  It was a horrible time for him and all of us who loved him and his son.  Soon, H soon distanced himself from me and everyone else he felt couldn't relate to the experience of losing a child.  That included me, although I lost my only sibling to an accident when I was 28 yr old.  Not the same as losing a child, I agree but still an incredible loss than just didn't seem to count to him at all.  We split romantically by the end of 2000, but intended to remain friends.   His grief was just awful to see.   He would come over to visit but he was just so antsy and anxious he couldn't manage to stay longer than 1/2 hour or so.   He would do anything to escape the pain of his loss but nothing worked, of course.   It followed him wherever he went.   

When he distanced himself from me romantically I was hurt but understanding.   It was nothing like BD after we were married.   Not even close.   I got on with life quite easily back then.  Happy to be friends, still hurt for awhile about the loss of the romantic relationship, but really was okay getting on with my life and not expecting to resume anything. 

We had very sporadic contact between 2001 and 2003.   In mid 2001 he met a woman who was his sisters step daughter and they began a very short lived romance.   Hot and heavy to the point that he planned to relocate to where she lived after seeing her for one week and then phone calls after that for just 2 months.   He was crazy about her but something happened and he didn't relocate.   To this day he considers he dodged a bullet there because she is one weird woman according to him.

Mid 2003, his feelings seem to change again in relation to me and he showed again a lot of interest romantically.   I fell in right away and couldn't be happier to have him back as a boyfriend.   We married a year later and had a great marriage (I thought) until a year or so before BD and then at BD it all blew up, of course.   I thought at the time that he had moved through some grief stages and now wanted our relationship back.   Now... I wonder.... was he in MLC then?   And when he came back did he shortcut his MLC journey?  He was 45 yr. old when his son was killed.  It was only 24 months later (approx) that he resumed with me in 2003.   Then married in mid 2004.

I wonder now if he was in a MLC from 2000 - 2003, and if resuming with me cut short his journey.   If so,,, no wonder his MLC came back with vengeance in 2017. 

So... that's my back story.   BD June 2017 out of nowhere.   OW who he met at a high school reunion present for 3 weeks before BD.   Good marriage before then but not exactly lustful in the bedroom.   We had passed that crazed stage but it seems that's what he wanted and could be why he left.   Those new relationship feelings where sex predominates.  It's all about that and his OW is at the ready at a moments notice.   


Where am I now?   I don't know anymore.    What I do know is I am still very confused.   I'm pretty sure I don't want to reconcile  with H but at the same time I dwell and obsess on what's happened and what he's doing ,,, endlessly. 

I just started seeing a new psychologist (the 3rd one and the other 2 were useless).   This guy seems promising.   He is a Family Therapist specializing in EMDR, PTSD, trauma etc.  I've had one visit.   We talked about my interest in moving on but feeling held back somehow so my progress is pretty slow.  He called this 'sediment'.   In the beginning it's pure chaos and hell but eventually unresolved things settle as sediment but we can still improve and progress.   But that sediment... think of a flowing river.  The river continues to flow around the sediment, sometimes getting backed up by it but slowly making it's way through it.   Contrast that with a river flowing with no sediment in it's way.   It moves quickly and freely and as it should.    He says this sediment is what's creating my dwelling and obsessing.   I believe him.   I don't want to reconcile - but I do want to stop obsessing.   

My homework after session 1 with the psychologist is this:   make a list of what angers you, and don't hold back.  It's all important. 
Well,,, for someone who doesn't feel much anger of late, this really stirred up quite a bit of anger.   Back to the beginning anger like.. how could you just decide that unilaterally and leave after 21 years?  without even a conversation?   And... the anger that goes with knowing that H and OW were conspiring how to get him out of his marriage while I was oblivious that there was even a problem.   And.... the anger that goes with knowing he had to completely throw me under the bus to family and friends in order for them to make sense of his awful actions.   

All this needs to be brought out again into the light of day to be examined and dealt with,,, and well, the anger is pretty intense.   I'm glad I found this therapist.   I think he is on the right track unlike the previous 2 I've seen.   He is trained in PTSD, EMDR etc so I'm sure if he thinks I'll benefit he will tell me and that's the direction we will take. 

Back to my thread title - Bits and Pieces - that's what this stage of my recovery feels like.   My thoughts are all over the place.   There isn't really a rhyme or reason to what I think from one day to the next.   I do believe I'm good at suppressing feelings and ignoring the pain and horror.   I'm so good at it that I feel less affected by my LBS experience than many here.   At the same time,,, I think the real thoughts and the raw pain, are there but I haven't been willing to bring them to the surface and address them.   I think I could be in for a bumpy ride with this new therapist. 

In the meantime, it seems my H still has to have some kind of regular contact.   Less than just after BD but still pretty often.   We used to hug in the early days and show some affection but not for ages now.  I refuse and he seems fine with it too.   We couldn't be more distant than we are now but even so, he just added a few hundred dollars to his regular payment to me so I could deal with a few irregular expenses (new tires, vet bill etc.)   That pleased me for reasons way beyond that I could use the money.  His behavior is confusing and my reaction (or not) is confusing too.   Despite what I think about my great progress,, I think I'm mostly kidding myself and I still have a long way to go and a lot more to understand about myself and where I am in this quagmire.   

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10583.0









   
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 10:23:27 PM by Thunder »

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2019, 08:15:40 PM »
Anon.. I wanted you to know that 2 days ago I posted this huge long post to you and lost the entire thing! Ugh. By then it was after midnight and I was exhausted . I had suggested PTSD and to see about EMDR...and it sounds like you have taken steps in that direction. EMDR helped me tremendously ..maybe even saved me. It is NOT a magic pill and there is much work to do as well, but it "dulled" the sharp edges that cut me every single day. Rumination. A horrible place the brain takes us as we try to process trauma. To this day ( almost 5 years ) I have to be very aware of my thinking and be pro-active about my tendency to ruminate over and over and over. I think you have made a great move in the right direction.

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how could you just decide that unilaterally and leave after 21 years?  without even a conversation?   And... the anger that goes with knowing that H and OW were conspiring how to get him out of his marriage while I was oblivious that there was even a problem.   And.... the anger that goes with knowing he had to completely throw me under the bus to family and friends in order for them to make sense of his awful actions.   
.

Just reading this, I can feel anger . My anger and utter rage has been my #1 struggle. I believe I finally have it under control or it is done with me and has passed. Anger is very important to process trauma . And you are right . WHO DOES THIS?   After 21 years ..for me it was over 30. And how DARE there be no conversation and all decisions about MY life was up to him and some temporary OW?. I was most enraged that SHE knew MY marriage was "over" before I did !.   Regardless, I do wish you great success with this new trauma counsellor and I will be following along .

Interesting article:

https://drjillmanning.com/betrayal-trauma/
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 08:20:26 PM by barbiedoll »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Treasur

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2019, 12:53:42 AM »
Sediment fits how it feels/felt to me too. And like Barbie, EMDR saved my life and spirit.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2019, 11:58:37 AM »
Still riding along with you Anon. So glad you seemed to have gotten a decent therapist this time. I gave up after 2 and there aren't many more where I am at.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2019, 02:40:22 PM »

  Despite what I think about my great progress,, I think I'm mostly kidding myself and I still have a long way to go and a lot more to understand about myself and where I am in this quagmire.   


Yep, here is where I am too. Except that I began this over a year before you. I think I kidded myself that first full year, maybe more, that my H would just return. That there really was no OW. That we were....wait for it....DIFFERENT. Ummm Hmmmmm. 

Anywho, my take on all this is that if you are questioning your own healing, then, by definition, you are healing. Every day, bit by bit. Maybe in such small increments, it is not noticeable to the naked eye. But certainly in retrospect, you will see it. I always joke that I am going to be the healthiest most "healed" person on the planet after all this. I dare say we all will be. We are all here. Looking for answers. Looking for advice. Trying to be graceful. Trying to choose joy. All while at the threshold of hell.

Much of what you wrote resonates with me. I am really awesome at suppressing feelings and emotions too. Quite stoic and controlled....until I explode. Usually via chardonnay. I am very interested to hear about your EMDR therapy. The more I hear Treasur and Barbie talk about it, the more I think I may need it too.

I admire your strength and honestly. I have great hope for you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2019, 09:59:29 PM »
Barbie, Treasur, Schratz, Kit,,, thanks for taking the time to read and post!  Your comments are all so valuable.   

Schratz,,,thanks for following along.   Are you out of options for therapists in your area?  I hope not and I hope you give it another try.   I know that I was not ready to do the work I need to do with my 3rd therapist until now.  If I had tried even 6 months ago it would have bombed again because I wasn't ready to recover and move forward.   I wanted to stay stuck and where I was and resisted any suggestion on their part that my healing depended on my willingness to let go.   So I baffled them with BS and told them what they wanted to hear.  Therapy for me then, was just too soon.   Back then I just needed a shoulder to cry on... a lot.   

Ahh, Barbie... I hate that when we lose our well thought out lengthy posts, and I even hate it more when it was a post for me from someone as wise as you are.   I never thought the rumination had anything to do with unprocessed trauma.   I thought it meant I had to be still pining for my H, which I really am not.   But yes, I definitely ruminate, and obsess and the MLC fallout is pretty much on my mind 24/7.   I would give anything to have normal thoughts about normal things and normal problems.   Not this sick obsessing over what my adulterous husband did to me.   It's like a poison and I hope my therapist helps me resolve it once and for all.    I am serious about moving on and truly want to put this MLC horror in my rear view mirror.  It's frustrating that I can't so I hope EMDR, PTSD, or whatever therapy is out there, this therapist will know what's best for me.   

The assignment to recall what angers me the most about what happened is quite the trip.   Purposely going there (instead of purposely not going there), has been truly eye opening about all that I have suppressed.   The ugliness of it all, the rage, the devastation to me and my well-being,,, oh wow,,, to recall that and let it come forth is freeing.  I see it for what it is now, and not what I wish it was.   I've buried a lot to psychologically survive and to get to where I am now.   

I didn't deserve what happened to me and my marriage.   None of us deserved it.   My marriage was solid (haha), I had 100% emotional security, and I was happy.   Really happy.  Life was good.   Until it wasn't.    I can't believe I didn't recognize his shallowness and his inability to truly love.   I have to take some of the blame for my tragic blindside.   It was coming all along, from the first day we met, and I just chose to look the other way and not question those little irregularities throughout the marriage that were signposts of something ominous to come one day.   

Quote
I am really awesome at suppressing feelings and emotions too. Quite stoic and controlled....until I explode. Usually via chardonnay.
I can relate!  Except the match to my dynamite is usually Pinot Grigio.   

Quote
I admire your strength and honestly. I have great hope for you.

Thanks Kit but this is how I feel about LBS's in general.   We lived through (and still are) one of life's most painful tragedies.   At first we survived by taking each day hour by hour, then began slowly rebuilding our lives.  Eventually we thrive,,, if not now, but eventually when we are through our own tunnel.   We gain strength this way but,,, I still greatly resent H for forcing this growth on me instead of me choosing my own time to grow and become strong.    (See,,, I have lots of work to do with that therapist, lol).   

Have a great night everyone  - it's late here and I have to work tomorrow.   :-\


Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2019, 10:26:01 AM »
Unfortunately there are no more therapists in my area that are covered by my insurance and I really can't afford out of pocket costs right now.
The forum will be my therapy  :D
You are right - none of us deserved it - like you I should have seen my H inability for true, deep emotions. I just always thought he just couldn't show them due to his FOO cold upbringing.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2019, 04:46:22 AM »
To be fair this forum is probably more helpful than many therapists out there!  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2019, 04:55:46 AM »
I agree with you Morte 100%

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2019, 08:08:59 AM »
Following Anon!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #10 on: April 23, 2019, 11:22:50 AM »
To be fair this forum is probably more helpful than many therapists out there!  :)

Agreed! My IC was asking me all about HS one day. And she was amazed and said that it was really great to have a support group that went through/was going through exactly what I am.  Tell you what, I am pretty sure HS has saved my life on more than one occasion!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2019, 11:39:08 AM »
Certainly saved my sanity  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #12 on: April 23, 2019, 10:04:40 PM »
Just shaking my head at the latest ridiculousness from my MLCer.  He thinks he can outsmart me.  He should know better - he couldn't before MLC and he still can't, lol. 

A year ago I was shocked and hurt when he tried this but now sh!te like this is no big deal - it goes with MLC.  I didn't even get angry,,,, I laughed and it still brings a smile when I think of it. 

The last week of March H called about something and before we hung up we had a few moments of casual conversation.   I had mentioned a couple of weeks prior that I might be away in June for a few days and again in Sept.  Anyway, during our casual conversation, he says he would like to look after the house and the pets while I am away.  Me, initially happy because I don't have to pay for a pet sitter, said "sure - that would be great - saves me a lot of money and you can cut the lawn while you are here too"  ::)   He asked for my exact dates because he might plan a party one night (we have a great house for entertaining).   I wasn't sure so told him I would let him know but possibly 1st week in June and for a couple of weeks sometime in September.  I could have given him exact dates but something told me to be careful about revealing them.  The dates really are 2 nights in the 2nd week of June and 2+ weeks in September ending on Oct 1. (Tuscany,,, here I come.   Then right after that.... Portland, OR,,, here I come). 

The next week or so,,, I got more and more uneasy about letting him look after the house.  I wondered about the guest list for the party in June and wondered if he planned to fly OW out to stay in MY house, unbeknownst to me.  OW has never been in the house and I know H would LOVE to show her what his hard earned money was capable of buying, since all she saw last year was the tiny 60 yr old suite he was ashamed to be living in.  Nothing like the modern house we still own.   I quickly ruled that hunch out because I would only gone for 2 nights - Sunday and Monday - hardly party nights either, but he didn't know that (remember I was vague).   But then,,,,what about September???  Would he dare then?  Bring her out for much of the time I was away so they could live as a couple in MY house?   Over my dead body, lol....

In case you wonder if I'm overthinking all this, he tried to get her into my house last year.   He asked if I would trade places with him for a few days while his cousin and her husband were out visiting and hotels were super pricey.   I said I would consider (not!), and eventually sent him some private rental info that would be perfect for 2 couples, lol.  He called almost right away and said it's NOT 2 couples - just him and his cousin and her husband.  He swore convincingly that OW would not be there.   Of course, we didn't swap and they stayed in his tiny ancient suite on the east side of the tracks (seriously..).    AND,,,when the cousin and her husband arrived,,, drum roll,,,,,so did the OW.  (I bet that took you all by surprise, right?)   I found out about it, of course.  Eventually he realized I knew all about his little deception even before she arrived.   I never spoke of it to him but he knew ,,, that I knew.  I think that was the beginning of the end of my stand.   I was pretty sure he wouldn't be dumb enough to ever try that again!   And I was dumb enough to think he wasn't dumb enough to try it again.  (Like, duhhh, Anon... really?  :P)

That whole first week after he offered to look after the house and pets,,, I recalled his attempt last year and whether he would dare try it again,,, to get her into our house.  The more I thought of it the more it made sense he would attempt it, if not in June but certainly in Sept when I was gone for over 2 weeks.   So,,, I sped up a plan I had been pondering for awhile,,, I advertised and immediately got a tenant/roommate for the lower level.  $900/mo!! She's perfect and we get on great which is a good thing since we share the kitchen and the outdoor space.  I'm enjoying the company too.   I sent a text to H advising him of the 'good news'  ;D   Less than 10 seconds later he calls.  He didn't exactly sound happy for me - it was obvious he was a bit choked despite the fact that our agreement means we share the $900.  But he had to rein it in otherwise I would wonder why he wasn't thrilled.  And being less than thrilled meant I thwarted some of his plans, I suspect.

Today,,, I find out my hunch was dead on correct.   Within 2 days of my first conversation with him where he offers to stay at the house, he plans and books a trip for OW to come out from Sept 14 - 22.   Hilarious - those are exactly my Tuscany trip dates!  I didn't give him exact dates but he had enough info to suspect I would be gone then.  And now.... where are they going to stay?  He currently lives in a small basement bachelor suite.  So now there are plans for a road trip to the coast and back.   Pricey,,, compared to living free in my house while I'm gone. 

He seems to have gotten over the shock of once again being out smarted by me.   He knows he can't do a thing about it either... who in their right mind would object to getting half of that $900/mo revenue???   







Offline Rippedapart

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2019, 12:43:59 AM »
Hi Anon,

I rarely post but I have been following most stories here on HS.

Great news that you have extra income coming in and company is a bonus.

Nice move on your part, I'm sure it stopped your H in his tracks.  At the same time its quite hurtful to think he would bring OW into your home, I suppose he feels "entitled "  I'm lost for words. 

Ripped

Online Whyus

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2019, 01:25:56 AM »
Well played Anon and you actually done him a favor too so your still the good guy (to a normal Person) ;)

I didn't deserve what happened to me and my marriage.   None of us deserved it.   My marriage was solid (haha), I had 100% emotional security, and I was happy.   Really happy.  Life was good.   Until it wasn't.    I can't believe I didn't recognize his shallowness and his inability to truly love. 
This, exactly this!!! If anybody had told me 3years ago what XW was upto I would have throat punched them on the spot. She wasnt like that (Whyus was a tool  :o)!
We also has a big detached house with a cellar and 2 garages, 2 cars, pets, healthy Kids, good Jobs and friends, common Hobbys and a plan. We could have both retired at 60, sold the house and bought something smaller, a Bungalow maybe and we would have been sorted. Now its all gone because of some Gymnerd who is 15 years younger and who cant have Kids of his own. A MILF in midlife is just perfect isnt she? She doesnt want Kids, shes done that $h!te and not ist time to party! Wait a Minute, she is married with 2 Kids... who cares, ill Show her my six pack and make some compliments.
None of this is fair, I suspected Nothing at BD, no conversation, nothing! She was already checked out after 6 months of being a double Agent, i was completely blindsided.
Quote
[/b]
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2019, 02:13:18 AM »
Hi Anon,

I was smiling (maybe smirking) reading your post.
The poor dear didn't know what hit him...he had such grand plans.   ;D

You have good instincts Anon, I would always follow your gut.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online sachat3

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2019, 02:34:35 AM »
Attaching

I love how you outsmart him ha! These MLCers aren’t too clever are they!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2019, 06:11:53 AM »
What's that I smell?  ???

Oh yeah...



Burned MLCER!


You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Whyus

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2019, 06:21:30 AM »
 ;D now morte knows how to insert Gifs it may get even more interesting around here  :D

I do love how you stitched him up though Anon, class! :)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2019, 09:42:18 AM »
Nicely played Anon. I am very impressed!

Also really impressed with Morte's gif!!

So excited for Tuscany!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #20 on: April 24, 2019, 11:49:38 AM »
Thanks for the comments!  There is no better place to share a win like this except here.  ;D   Morte - love the gif.   I want to know how to do that!  Ursa - where are u?  You are about to be outdone here,  :P

Thunder - I can't help smirking either.  It's so smirk worthy isn't it?

Whyus - your comments make me laugh - about the gymnerd etc.   haha.   I've envied your recovery from the MLC madness but I feel I might be catching up a bit to where you are.   Or maybe I'm there, idk.   Life just feels pretty good right now. 

Ripped -
Quote
At the same time its quite hurtful to think he would bring OW into your home, I suppose he feels "entitled "  I'm lost for words. 
 
Last year it was pretty devastating when he tried it but this year I truly just shook my head and laughed at his nerve.   It doesn't hurt.  It just reinforces my stand,, to NOT stand.   I won't waste any emotion on this man - someone who has such little respect for my privacy.  Just confirms to me he is no where near worthy to be my friend, never mind a life partner. 

KIT - I'm with you!  So excited about the upcoming cult gathering!!  Have the t-shirts been ordered yet?
 
This latest discovery of my MLCer's deception has drawn my attention back to another recent win for me where he loses out huge and I do mean HUGE.   Less than 2 months after BD, the ow was pressuring my h to get the house up for sale to get me out and get his hands on his share of the equity.  He put her off by saying he wouldn't do it until I was a bit stronger and better at handling my unwanted new life.   It's almost 2 years later and ow is still pressuring h about why he hasn't sold the house yet.  I don't know what he's telling her these days about why it's still not sold but it's causing big problems for them.  She doesn't understand why and his excuses seem flimsy to her 2 years later.   

I know the reason he isn't selling the house but there is no way he could tell her the honest truth.   He's likely told her in the beginning he has equal share of the equity and that he would get a significant amount when it sells.   Amazingly enough,,, he forgot the terms of our prenup, until I reminded him several months later when he first talked to me about selling the house.   I won't go into detail but this is how it would have gone in the beginning if we sold both homes - he would get about 90k.   I would get the rest.   Hardly something he could tell ow about especially since she expects he will get half.  I would have bought him out if I could but it was pretty impossible for me to come up with 90k so if he wanted to sell then I would not stop the sale.   

Fast forward to today... almost 2 years later...and my, how things have changed.   The market has fallen here quite a bit since BD.   Hardly the time to sell anything when it's dropped this low.   It will recover but it will take time and patience for the turn around.   H was holding out for better news but then in late January decided he needed to move on selling the house.  Probably to pacify ow.   So I said, ok,,, whenever you are ready to meet with a realtor, let me know and we will get it on the market.   We meet with 2 realtors who confirm the bad news about the market.   Then he stalls, and stalls...doing nothing.   Eventually I realize that the drop in value means I now only need $65k to buy him out which I CAN manage.  If he finally gives in (again) to the ow pressure and wants to sell, then I simply offer to buy him out and I will own both homes with a cash flow from the rentals of $700/mo, after all the monthly expenses are paid.   It's no longer in my best interest to sell and since I hold ALL the cards,,, the houses will not be sold.  He has no say anymore.   

He recently told me he had been out looking at new condos but then with frustration said it won't happen because he had no money for the down payment.   I reminded him I could buy him out and he would have his down payment to which he replied - I don't want to be bought out!  I haven't waited this long to take a buy out now!  This is good news to me too,, because as long as he is a joint owner, he pays me $650/mo.  I don't know how long he can handle that payment but I doubt he can last as long as it will take for the market turnaround.   So a couple of years or so go by, I get his monthly payments, but he would still only be entitled to a $65k buyout unless the market improves.   

I can't see any way he could ever tell the truth about this to the ow.   The same ow that wanted me out of the house less than 2 months after BD so he could be free of me.  He's backed so tight into a corner it's hilarious.   If he wants to sell, I won't go along with it but instead will offer him the buyout.  His only choice is to stay invested in the homes or walk away with $65k - barely enough for a new car and a vacation with ow then it's all gone.    No other option is available to him.   Anyone play chess?  Well this is checkmate.  :D

Feels like I got them both with a dart right between the eyes.  ;D    Love that karma bus now that it's finally arrived.   8)







« Last Edit: April 24, 2019, 11:51:15 AM by Anon »

Online sachat3

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #21 on: April 24, 2019, 02:02:28 PM »
Maybe I’m just really petty and immature. Ahhh heck there’s no maybe about it. I am. But I always laugh at things like this. I mean it’s amazing that it works so well in your favour but also it’s such a big haha hehe in their face. I would so love to be a fly on the wall when they have these chats  and even more so when he explains the buy out.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2019, 11:25:13 AM »
Can I just say that I am grinning ear to ear with that post??? Does that make me petty. Eh, oh well. Nicely played Anon. <Slow dramatic clap>
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #23 on: April 26, 2019, 12:46:27 AM »
I'm petty, too! Love that you outwitted your H on the housesitting scam and love, love your house ownership situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me, I would have liked to have let H know that you know that he would bring OW to the house.

I'm going to bring a batch of cult wine for our Tuscany gathering!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2019, 06:05:51 AM »
Quote from: Anon
Thanks for the comments!  There is no better place to share a win like this except here.  ;D   Morte - love the gif.   I want to know how to do that!  Ursa - where are u?  You are about to be outdone here,  :P

Watch and learn, worthy Padawan.....


Oh my......

What can I say except for



We all bow in awe:


before



As far as your Mid-Lifer goes.....
« Last Edit: April 26, 2019, 06:07:14 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2019, 07:32:20 AM »
This was such a joy to read Anon - I, too, am grinning from ear to ear.
Well played - well played.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #26 on: April 26, 2019, 08:50:38 AM »
I'm going to bring a batch of cult wine for our Tuscany gathering!

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #27 on: April 26, 2019, 03:12:43 PM »
UM, I take it back.  You are not undone.   Those gifts were some of your best 🤣.  Morte - you tie!  We need a tie breaker now.    Thanks for the laughs you guys. 

Milly - cult wine - how perfect! 

I have had a great few days grinning from ear to ear about my latest revelation of my financial situation and revelling in the petty ‘gotcha’ mentality.  I also grin from ear to ear because I had no idea 2 years ago that it would play out like this.   I was terrified for many reasons at BD, including financially.  I didn’t believe then and for a long time that I could do this well on my own financially.  In that respect I am actually better off than I was before BD.   Way better off,,,while h couldn’t have blown up his financial future more if he had tried.   

It’s a bitter victory though.  I loved that man, every ounce of my being loved him.  I am happy for me but incredibly sad for him.  My future looks bright while his looks pretty dim.   I’m just getting into the retirement travelling we both planned to do together  - starting with Rome, Florence, Tuscany (the cult meetup), then right after another trip to the US for a coastal trip with a longtime friend.  Then in March - Tel Aviv and Israel.  In the meantime, h spends all his vacation time visiting his ow in her home town, doing nothing all day because until she gets home from work.   Every trip is the same except the occasional road trip.   The contrast on how things have played out for each of us couldn’t be more stark.  I have to wonder now if he’s already paid dearly enough for his choices.   He’s destroyed and lost more than I ever could have imagined when this all started.  And I’ve gained.  Not just financially but I am happier now than I’ve been in a very long time, even when all was still good in the marriage. 

I feel like I’ve come out the other side where I know without a doubt I will be better than fine without him.  I’m not hoping for nor encouraging a reconciliation.   I like my own new life a bit too much to dive back into the uncertainty that awaits if we reconcile.  Will it always be this way?  I think so and  I want it to be so.   But who knows what is down the road 5 or so years from now?  I just know that today, all is right in my world.  😎


Offline Shining Star

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #28 on: April 26, 2019, 06:06:01 PM »
Awesome!  Love the karma bus...
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #29 on: May 08, 2019, 02:44:20 PM »
It’s a pretty slow day here, raining, windy.  Not much to do.   I was reflecting that I don’t post much anymore on my own thread which says my life has pretty much stabilized despite MLC and all the horrors it brings.   I feel like my old self in most ways.  When I see or talk to H I don’t have to pretend anything.  I am exactly who I am with him which is to say,,,I don’t have to pretend to not be interested in seeing or talking to him because I am truly not interested and I don’t have to try to GAL because I definitely have a full life that’s enjoyable for the most part.  It feels like I’ve somehow “arrived”.   H in the meantime still makes regular contact - weekly if not more frequent.   I keep it short and to the point though.   

Anyway, thought it might be interesting to go back and read my postings when I first came here.  I wasn’t wrong - it was fascinating reading and the most interesting part of it is that I almost didn’t recognize the woman I was back then.   The difference in me back then and me now is like night and day.  I have come a very long way.  I’m doing way more than surviving.  I’m thriving and enjoying life.  Lots to look forward to and very little looking back. 

I cringed when I felt the horrible pain in my postings back then but it was also awesome to see the growth and change in me since then.  It made my day to do that review.  😎

So if you are a new LBS, I can truthfully say, it gets better or at least it did for me.   Do your best to move forward and build your life without him, whether you are standing or not. 

Offline Milly

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #30 on: May 08, 2019, 03:01:02 PM »
Anon, thanks for coming and posting about how you feel about yourself now. When I read that you almost don't recognize the person you were when you first started posting, it makes me feel so hopeful about my own progress. I take it that you mean that you don't recognize that person because you're not devastated like you were at BD, and because you are a different woman now?

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, even if I'm not a newbie.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #31 on: May 09, 2019, 01:43:43 AM »
Anon,

I hear you ... Ember bounced my thread and asked what was going on because I hadn't updated in a while.... Well, a "while" turned out to be since early February.... VERY little MLC-related is going on in my life anymore.. I too have regular contact (every couple of days) with my STBXW because of the kids but it is all business..... Polite, friendly, but business....

Life? Yep, like you, full to the brim - new projects, new experiences, new challenges and, like I said on Treasur's thread, new fires to fight thanks to the little 2-legged pyromaniacs known as "children." (NOT literal fires but you know what I mean)

I don't know if I'd say I have "arrived" as much as I find myself in transit and moving forward.... and that is good enough for me. Forward movement, even if one is NOT 100% sure of the destination is still movement and it is still forward.... There maybe the odd detour along the way but I believe that the journey is the goal rather than the destination... Mostly because, at the end of the story, the destination is the same for all of us - passing through the veil of life... The journey that we take to get there is what fills our days, fills them with joy and laughter, also with sorrow and tears... That journey called "life."
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #32 on: May 15, 2019, 06:04:30 PM »
Another update on my most recent revelation about my journey, or my current state of mind, or just my mindless rambling. 

First off, for those I follow, my apologies for being so 'absent' on your threads lately.   I am busier than I can ever remember, even before BD.  That's what GAL does I suppose.   I have time to read here occasionally but that's about it.  Summer (spring) is here and that is when the light switch turns on for me.   Winter is the opposite when I lie around like a beached whale with no energy or interest in anything.

I am facing another crossroads in my journey.   I've been content to be separated but not divorced and keep the houses and keep h on title and accept his contribution etc.   Until now.   Maybe its the therapy I've been going to for the last month but I might have changed my mind,,, to my financial detriment.   The best plan for me is to continue as is, and let h contribute but stay invested with me in our matrimonial home and our rental property.   I've offered to buy him out and he has refused and wants to wait for RE to improve in our area (3 - 5 years out).  Its a terrible decision on his part but what the heck.   I'm not about to educate him on how dumb that decision is.... or maybe I am for my own mental health going forward.

Despite all I've said previously about "I'm done", I don't totally feel done as long as we have these joint investments and I feel a bit stuck moving forward.   I would prefer to have no contact once we have severed these ties with the joint investments.  Until then, its necessary occasionally to talk or see each other.    It doesn't help that 1/2 my garage is occupied with his stuff.    I have no choice in the matter.   He is joint owner, pays half the expenses and is entitled to 1/2 the garage.   A lot of his stuff is in my garage, including the mushy cards ow has sent him for Christmas, and Valentines Day.

If I could have things exactly the way I want, his stuff would be gone, he would be off the title, and I love to tell him I don't want him in my life and please leave me alone and have a happy life with what's her name.   Right now, he contacts me way too frequently and only lives about a mile or so away.  He is always coming by for something in the garage or to drop something off.   Drives me nuts.  He told me earlier today he was coming by after his work to pick something up.   I told him that was no problem, but I wouldn't be home so just come by whenever.  I would have been home then except once he told me he was coming by I decided I needed to go get groceries and do a few other errands so I wouldn't be home.    Truth is,,, I would have loved to have stayed in, but I just didn't want to see him and have to pretend 'nice'.  So I left my own home to avoid having to do that and that has got to change. 

So... force a buy out so I can get rid of him?   What if he refuses again, then what to do?   Or sweeten the pot and pay him more than I need to just to get him gone?  Doing this would cost me a small fortune.   Giving up 2 or 3 years more of financial contributions from him so he can stay on title is a lot to give up, never mind giving him more than the buy-out should be.   I seriously am at a crossroads.   One road keeps me financially healthy but mentally not so healthy, the other road gives me mental health but at a great financial cost.   I don't know what to do. 

It's a weird thing, but I feel nothing when I talk to him or see him.  The feelings are gone and I don't miss him.   But... the obsessive thoughts are still there and is why I'm seeing a therapist again.   How can I have no feelings for him but still obsess about what happened to us?  and to him?   Still obsessing about how could he have done this?  Obsessing that he is still with the same woman that led him to blow up my life.   Obsessing that he's somehow 'won', and I'm still the biggest 'dumpee' in this whole soap opera.  It offends me so much that he's still with the original alienator (she's 'won' too), and the thought of continued contact with him going forward makes me ill.   To me the only cure for this is to say a final and forever good bye.  I dream about it.   Anything less is not going to cut it.   So do I force a buy out to my financial detriment (and it's a big detriment), or do I hang in there and find a way to deal with him still being around at times and me having to get away from my own house if I don't want to see or talk to him?










 

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #33 on: May 16, 2019, 02:57:20 AM »
How about neither?

I am going to come left field here but if I was in your situation....

Step 1. Gather together all OW mushy cards from Valentine's and Christmas, place them in your fire place/grill and burn them. Make sure you apply liberal fuel as not to have a scrap left. If he ever questions where they went well...it certainly isn't your job to keep track of his love letters is it?

Step 2. Set boundaries about when he is allowed into the garage. Tell him you appreciate it if he keeps his drop bys in the evening, or weekend, or whatever. Yes it is both of your house but you reside in it. He does not get to just drop by when he feels like it. If a landlord owns your home, they don't get to walk in as they please. His ownership of the house is different from his right to walk in. Ask him if he would like you randomly dropping by his and OW's house to collect mail and take out the trash. Guarantee he will get the message loud and clear.

Step 3. Once number 1 and 2 are in place..see how you feel mentally then. Perhaps they will be enough to help ease that feeling. Personally my mortgage is a joint mortgage with me and Beast. It is cheaper than any rent I would get in the area. It would be ridiculous for me to sell the house, and go rent somewhere twice what I pay...just so I am not tied to him. But we have small children and will be tied together anyway. If cutting off the house allows you to break free completely and you feel that is what you need after reflecting on it a while just do it. Money can always be made again. Peace of mind is priceless. Just make sure you don't jump to anything without a plan.

Just my advice anyway.  8)
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 02:59:41 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2019, 03:03:48 AM »
I think Morte is right about taking a step back from either/or.

Ignore the 'solutions' for a moment but take a bit of time to think about what you most need, why and what the priorities are between different needs. Then, and only then, get a bit of paper and brainstorm some options. Or do it here lol.

It sounds as if your instinct is that what you are currently doing isn't quite right for you but you don't like what you see as the alternatives much either? So it is healthy that you want to find some new ones.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2019, 05:18:41 AM »
Anon,

Don't ever apologize for being busy - we all are happy for you and like you I love summer and the long days and the sun and being outside enjoying life.

Maybe you are obsessing because I do believe we feel that in order to move on we have to understand what happened. At least for me it is so hard to accept something that I don't understand. That's why I was crap in some subjects in school, because unless I could see it and understand it, I didn't get it and I couldn't accept it as facts. I am glad you are back in therapy to get to the bottom of the need to know what happened. Isn't it funny though how we LBS are the deep thinkers...lol...I do not think a single MLC is concerned why they bolted.
Which is also why we LBS will grow from this horrid experience and the MLC will just run until they collapse exhaustedly.

I have to admit that I am a wee bit jealous that you are at a point where you have zero feelings for H. I would imagine that to be so freeing in itself. Hoping I will get there in time myself.

As far s the properties. That's a tough one. Whenever I cannot decide something, I set myself a date and until that date I do not think about the decision. When the date comes I then go with my gut instinct the first time I think about it again. Don't rush a decision and make sure it is what is truly best for you.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2019, 05:30:25 AM »
Schratz, Anon,

Remember the First Axiom of Beardom.....

"Trying to 'understand' MLC is like trying to taste green with your elbow!"

so, unless you LIKE sticking the fork up your nose over and over, you might want to consider evaluating the cost vs. benefit ratio of what it would take to gain the "understanding" you seek, especially if your Mid-Lifer isn't telling you what it was like in their fog.... Without that input, you are working off assumptions and biased observations...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2019, 07:03:49 AM »
It's a weird thing, but I feel nothing when I talk to him or see him.  The feelings are gone and I don't miss him.   But... the obsessive thoughts are still there and is why I'm seeing a therapist again.   How can I have no feelings for him but still obsess about what happened to us?  and to him?   Still obsessing about how could he have done this?  Obsessing that he is still with the same woman that led him to blow up my life.   Obsessing that he's somehow 'won', and I'm still the biggest 'dumpee' in this whole soap opera.  It offends me so much that he's still with the original alienator (she's 'won' too), and the thought of continued contact with him going forward makes me ill.   To me the only cure for this is to say a final and forever good bye.
I can so relate to this Anon. My XW lives a mile away and is still with her Toyboy, the original AP. I obsessed with this all day, every day for a looooooong time. Its quite horrific really.
What I realized is that im actually better off without her, she hasnt won anything and neither has OM. She has lost everything and when he is my age XW will be 60 (no offence but I couldnt imagine my GF being 60 atm.) They deserve each other, they could get married and have 17 Kids and he would STILL BE HER AP! They know it, I know it, our Kids know it, her Family knows it and half of the town knows it! What Kind of life is that??? They are welcome to it, we can hold our heads up high Anon. We have nothing to be ashamed of.


Now go back and read mortes post again! Really, I wanted to write the same
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 07:23:02 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #38 on: May 16, 2019, 10:28:02 AM »
I totally agree - burn anything related to OW.  That is not acceptable that it is in your living space - even a garage.  Secondly, is it possible to move out.  Maybe rent an apartment and then rent the house since he doesn't want to sell right now.  That way you would have your private space and not need to see him.  AND, you don't lose financially when you are ready to go to settlement.  Just a thought.  I lived through what you described, and eventually, I sold the house, moved, and sent him a text that he had to get his stuff out within the following week.  At the time it seemed like a good decision and probably was, but I preferred my old house.  Maybe you can temporarily live somewhere else, and then when you settle the financials, you can move back in.  That way you aren't rushed.  Even though I was completely fed up, the divorce has been incredibly painful and emotionally I don't think I was prepared - thought I was - but wasn't.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #39 on: May 16, 2019, 11:36:55 AM »
Or just have a garage sale... open the doors and offer each item for £1.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #40 on: May 17, 2019, 12:14:13 AM »
How are you doing, Anon?
And are you still musing on the plan you had a while ago to sell the current house and move to the smaller rented one?

Fwiw...your feeling about being at a crossroads is perhaps a healthy sign that some part of you wants to move forward and have more control over your own life. If it helps, remember that all the anecdotes here suggest that MLC trumps divorce, the selling of marital homes etc. Doing what is best for you will not affect your h's progress, or not, one way or the other. But it may make a big difference to the quality of your life. It sounds at a basic level as if you simply want very little contact with your h at all. Which is entirely reasonable. And that having financial and property links prevents that from happening. Thinking hard and honestly about what kind of contact you do and don't want...if that is the heart of the issue for you....may help you to consider all of the different options you have for boundaries to get what you need. But worth considering too that if your h has some emotional need for contact with you, he will find other ways to try to make that happen regardless of legal or financial links. So it will always be your responsibility to say yes or no based on meeting YOUR needs if that makes sense.

Is there a way you could experiment say for a month or two in sharply reducing contact with him to see how that feels but without making big financial decisions? What is the bare minimum  of contact you need to have and why?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #41 on: May 17, 2019, 06:15:35 PM »
Hi all and thanks for the interesting replies!
Morte,,burn the OW cards, I really would love to except I’m sure h would suspect me instantly if they disappeared.    And then,,, he would think I’m still pining for him and can’t handle the evidence of his ongoing happy R.   I’m not going to lie though,,,the thought has occurred to me to make those cards disappear.  Ever since then, I’ve been trying to figure what that says about ME and I’m sure it’s not exactly complimentary.  So they are still where I found them,,,, for now ::)

Boundaries for h are very firm about him coming into the house.  He can’t come in period, unless I know ahead of time and agree to it.    He can come and go whenever to the garage and has a remote he can use but the house is off limits without notice.   There are 2 locks on the doors and his key only opens one of those locks.  Unless he’s made arrangements in advance to go into the house when I’m not home, both locks are engaged and he has no access.   

I recently changed the lock situation because I suspect ow will be visiting our city soon and he may just try to get her in the house when no one is home.   To show off the nice house he used to own, at least while he was still a decent man.  He owns nothing here but is still on title - of course she would know nothing about that so he can still try to show off.   He’s tried it before - didn’t work then either   ;D ;D

Quote
Maybe you are obsessing because I do believe we feel that in order to move on we have to understand what happened. At least for me it is so hard to accept something that I don't understand
Yep, 66 you are bang on.  I saw my therapist yesterday and he said the exact same thing.  I am done but want to understand wtf happened.  He tells me that will likely be a futile quest.  Just like Ursa keeps telling us all over and over again like a broken record, lol.   There is no explanation that will make sense.   My therapist is interesting and I will try to relay more a bit later about our sessions.

Quote
she hasnt won anything and neither has OM. She has lost everything and when he is my age XW will be 60 (no offence but I couldnt imagine my GF being 60 atm.) They deserve each other, they could get married and have 17 Kids and he would STILL BE HER AP! They know it, I know it, our Kids know it, her Family knows it and half of the town knows it! What Kind of life is that??? They are welcome to it, we can hold our heads up high Anon. We have nothing to be ashamed of.
Despite what I say about them winning anything, I know it’s quite the opposite.  They have won nothing.   They think they have for awhile and my therapist says they will try dozens of times to confirm that but never get there.  Never.   It’s a doomed life from the beginning.  What ails them wasn’t caused by a relationship and it can’t be fixed by one either.   And yes, so true Whyus, we CAN hold our heads up high .  At first I was humiliated and felt such shame, but eventually realized the shame is NOT mine and I no longer feel it.   Humiliation because of how h handled thing with so little respect for me?   Well it’s not as big now either but hard to drop all together when I think of how little he must of thought of me to end our m with a bd and new r with ow. 

Shining, I did consider your suggestion awhile back but I decided to stay put and work on whatever I can to keep him away as much as possible.  It’s a work in progress and I’ve had success recently.  I am moving toward a divorce at some point but until then I play my cards to my advantage for the most part.   It helps that my cards are awesome and his cards are garbage.   8)

Treasur,,, my plan awhile back to move to the smaller house and sell the current house got sidelined when h refused to put the house on the market.  He wants to wait until the market improves.  So I advertised and got an amazing roommate for the lower level - we share the kitchen up otherwise we have our own space.  She is delightful and is good company when we sit out on the deck or share a meal together.   If h changes his mind about selling,,well the reality now is that I can buy him out!  Give him his measly share and I remain the owner of both homes with great cash flow thanks to my roommate and the rent from the renters in the other house.  If he takes the buy out he’s gone for good.  If he doesn’t (bad financial move on his part), he has to pay me $650/mo. to remain a joint owner.   I’m not sure what’s ideal for me because BOTH are good scenarios except if he stays invested then we still remain connected. 

I saw my therapist yesterday and talked a bit about the options.  He says to back off any decisions at the moment.  He wants to go through a few other steps with me first before addressing this issue.   It makes sense knowing what he plans in our next few sessions and it’s not urgent enough for me atm. 

I do think h contacts for emotional reasons more than practical ones.   Whenever he leaves a message to call, I will try to guess what it’s about and just send a text with the answer to my best guess, 😝.  It never works but instead he texts back just asking if I will call him, please.  A phone conversation is never necessary but he won’t accept anything else.   Strange because this man is capable of sending and receiving over 800 texts/month.   Not lately but he certainly is no stranger to texting.  When it comes to what the bare minimum of contact would be for me?  None.  My goal is divorce, all ties cut, no contact.   Not mad, just not interested in having anything to do with him.  I will never give him an opportunity to put a wedge in that closing door when it’s time.   I just want him gone for good as soon as it’s possible.   It may be awhile yet but that’s where I’m going.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #42 on: May 18, 2019, 05:21:24 AM »
Well I am with your therapist. Just work on the mental and emotional parts of it first because...well you financially have the upper hand. Packing up and selling will hurt you more than it will hurt him so...hold off. :)

Hi all and thanks for the interesting replies!
Morte,,burn the OW cards, I really would love to except I’m sure h would suspect me instantly if they disappeared.    And then,,, he would think I’m still pining for him and can’t handle the evidence of his ongoing happy R.   I’m not going to lie though,,,the thought has occurred to me to make those cards disappear.  Ever since then, I’ve been trying to figure what that says about ME and I’m sure it’s not exactly complimentary.  So they are still where I found them,,,, for now ::)

You are a stronger woman than I. I had to contain myself not to smash the picture frame in MIL's house with her drawing in it that said ''Best Boyfriend ever''....if something like that was left in MY house well...I got three kids and a dog...and there must have been a rat in the garage...or you know. Something. ;)

What does that say about me? Hmm...guess I got a firey temper when someone blatantly flaunts the pain they caused in my face. I am okay with that.  :)
« Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 05:22:36 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Milly

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #43 on: May 18, 2019, 03:36:09 PM »
Hi Anon, I'm very happy for you that you are better financially now than ever, and that you are so detached. This is wonderful.

I'm a little bit naughty, because I would burn those OW letters, too. I find it to be a real nerve to leave that stuff where his wife is living. I wouldn't admit doing it, though. I have become a little more sly than I ever was before. The criminal doesn't get my honesty any more. I'm more a tooth for a tooth kind of girl now.

I would throw them in the trash and feign ignorance. After all, haven't the MLCers lost their memories during this crisis? I mean if he really cared about them, he wouldn't leave them in the garage down the road, would he?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #44 on: May 19, 2019, 04:07:28 PM »
Thanks Milly and Morte,  those OW mushy cards don’t bug me like you would think they would.   The stuff in the garage came here on short notice for him.  I doubt he had time to hide them or even think about them being in my garage.   They weren’t exactly sitting on the top of anything either.   ::).   Along with her 4 cards were 2 that I gave him years ago.   They were all mixed up with other weird stuff he kept for whatever reason.   I did have that thought too Milly,,,like if they meant that much to him he wouldn’t have stashed them in a box along with cards from me, where I could find them with no effort.   It doesn’t matter much to me that they are there but I chuckled because 2 of the 4 cards (Xmas & Valentines) are very sexual.   (Stuff about being naughty,,,).  The other 2 are mushy, lovey-Dovey.   I felt a bit voyeurish reading the sexual ones.   

I had an interesting session with my therapist last week.   He knows I’m finished with h but need to eradicate the remaining obsession with him and why this happened.   He says I still have to vent my anger and disappointment in him..  He asked me to do homework about this but I misunderstood and didn’t get the anger part.   So he gave me 5 minutes to write down some anger about him and what he’s done.  To be honest, it didn’t come right away but once I started it came pretty freely 🙂.   He says the venting out loud is very important, then next is compassion for his broken a$$, then forgiveness.   Yes, true forgiveness and then freedom from the obsessive thoughts.   He says unforgiveness and buried anger causes the obsessive thoughts.  I’ve obviously summarized in my own words but this is pretty close.   He also said what happened will probably never make sense to me because what happened had nothing to do with me or the marriage.   He says he’s a long-standing empty and lonely man who is trying to feel something.  ow is part of his attempt to fill the void within him.   The R may work for awhile before failing, but many will try dozens of times to hang on to their ow/om before it eventually fails completely. 

My therapist doesn’t refer to MLC but he describes it like it is without calling it MLC.   Where he differs is in the prognosis.   He believes marriages that successfully reconcile are rare in these instances because they never are able to fill the void but will keep trying in all the wrong ways.

Wow,,,I’m sure there are plenty of examples here of successful reconciliations but they do seem rare compared to the number that don’t reconcile. 

My homework for next session is the same - continue to release pent up emotion by writing it down.  Eventually all these writing will be used to then write a proper letter to h saying goodbye - not to be mailed of course.    I’m not sure how long it will take but I like how it’s going so far.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #45 on: May 19, 2019, 08:29:25 PM »
Way to go Anon.  What you described about the therapists approach made sense to me.  I can see that as a logical path through this.  Good luck with your venting!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #46 on: May 20, 2019, 01:44:36 AM »
Quote from: Anon
My therapist doesn’t refer to MLC but he describes it like it is without calling it MLC.   Where he differs is in the prognosis.   He believes marriages that successfully reconcile are rare in these instances because they never are able to fill the void but will keep trying in all the wrong ways.

Wow,,,I’m sure there are plenty of examples here of successful reconciliations but they do seem rare compared to the number that don’t reconcile.

I am afraid that your Therapist is correct. My mom is a clinical psychologist and said that reconciliations are VERY rare and usually only occur when the MLC'er has finally learned that they can sooth their own selves and that they do actually have the internal strength and power to do so - she called it a "Road to Damascus" experience for the Mid-Lifer....

Another therapist told an LBS that the Mid-Lifer only will come back if they have totally failed at their replay activities and in finding their illusive "happiness." THAT means that the LBS is a "fall-back option" because nothing else worked so the mid-lifer might as well go back to what was familiar because that is better than being alone... ....

If one trolls the HS archives, there are maybe .... a dozen? reconciliation (true and complete reconciliation) stories, incl.  RCR herself, Stayed and a few others.... out of ... ??? 3000 members past and present?  so, about a 0.5% success rate?
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online sachat3

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #47 on: May 20, 2019, 03:26:06 AM »
On the subject of reconciliation I suppose my view is a lot of those that don’t reconcile are more LBS that put the block on it as opposed to the MLCer. I guess that’s why reconciliation is rare is because both parties have to be willing and ready at the same time. And I think a lot of MLCers have done too much damage and the LBS stops “standing” leaving the door open or whatever you wish to call it. 
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #48 on: May 20, 2019, 03:37:29 AM »
On the subject of reconciliation I suppose my view is a lot of those that don’t reconcile are more LBS that put the block on it as opposed to the MLCer. I guess that’s why reconciliation is rare is because both parties have to be willing and ready at the same time. And I think a lot of MLCers have done too much damage and the LBS stops “standing” leaving the door open or whatever you wish to call it.

Or, the LBS is tired of waiting for 7, 9, 10, 13 years for their Mid-Lifer to get their head out of their..... fog.... and has moved on with their lives... If the Mid-Lifer then "comes around" it is too late...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online sachat3

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #49 on: May 20, 2019, 03:52:19 AM »
Exactly! I think if MLC lasted days instead of years there could be more reconciliation stories. But I do think we’re pushed for finding reconciliations that pan out because there comes a point where the LBS thinks “Firetruck this I’m out” and that’s that. There’s a mum at school, her first husband had a MLC and she divorced his ass. Remarried and has a baby with her new husband. Now the first husband is out the dog and wants his family back. Too late pal!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #50 on: May 20, 2019, 04:11:39 AM »
I think with those kind of numbers we also have to take into account how many of those 3000 just buggered off and quit posting.

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline RedStar

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #51 on: May 20, 2019, 07:43:14 AM »
I think with those kind of numbers we also have to take into account how many of those 3000 just buggered off and quit posting.

True, Morte. And, for all we know, some of their MLCers might have come back at some point and they didn't tell us about it.

There are also posters on a part of this site we can't access if we don't subscribe to it, as well as other places to post about things. I've seen people post on more than one site and also switch from one to another depending on what suits them. (There are probably more groups on Big Blue Brother these days since it aims to be all things to all people...)

In short, once again, there is NO way to compile true stats on this phenomenon, and there may never be.

But the fact that ANY of these people come back at all is pretty astonishing, considering how they all start out. It is surprising how many do try, frankly.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2019, 07:47:34 AM by RedStar »

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #52 on: May 20, 2019, 09:05:53 AM »
If there is no reconciliation because the LBS doesn’t want the MLCer back its still a failed marriage.   I wanted my h back for quite awhile and believed he would be back.  Don’t most of us who come here want that when we first come here? 

I do believe most will eventually come out of MLC just like an entitled teenager eventually grows up and becomes a mature, rational adult.   But just like the teenager, it takes years and once an adult, there can be many more years of selfishness and immaturity. 

What’s heartbreaking is the huge percentage of us who hold onto the reconciliation dream when the reality is a huge percentage of marriages do not recover for whatever reason.   Standing for me is too much like waiting and implies limits on what you will do going forward (ie. dating, remarriage).  Many years of standing and denying ourselves all options for our lives is truly a tragedy in the face of such dismal odds. 

The advice to live like they are never coming back is golden.  If you wind up being the exception to those overwhelming odds,,great, but if you are not the exception then at least you didn’t spend years thinking you might be.   








Online Whyus

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #53 on: May 21, 2019, 02:07:33 AM »
What’s heartbreaking is the huge percentage of us who hold onto the reconciliation dream when the reality is a huge percentage of marriages do not recover for whatever reason.   Standing for me is too much like waiting and implies limits on what you will do going forward (ie. dating, remarriage).  Many years of standing and denying ourselves all options for our lives is truly a tragedy in the face of such dismal odds. 
YES YES YES AND firetruckING YES ANON!!!!! We have one shot at life so go and grab it
The advice to live like they are never coming back is golden.
It should be at the top of the page right underneath "The Hero's Spouce"
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online sachat3

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #54 on: May 21, 2019, 08:48:43 AM »
No I agree it’s still a failed marriage however I do think it’s different. I think it FEELS different when your the one saying no as opposed to being told no. Kind of like when you say “I never want any more kids” your happy with that mostly until a doctor says “your infertile” and then you feel robbed because the choice is no longer yours.

For me personally I don’t know if I would class me as standing. I live my life my way. And my way of thinking is, Clington is either going to return and it’s going to be amazing because he will be my “the one” OR I’m going to bump into a god like hunk who will be my “the one”. And so either way it’s a positive. If I was in a situation where I met someone who wanted to take me out on a date and I wanted to go on it. Then I sure as hell would go. Just like if I don’t want to. I won’t. And that’s how I see it. So I do think I’m living like he’s not coming back. But I’m also prepared that he may and I may want him to. I’m very much a what’s meant to be will be scenario.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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