Author Topic: My Story Bits and Pieces  (Read 1111 times)

Online Milly

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My Story Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #30 on: May 08, 2019, 03:01:02 PM »
Anon, thanks for coming and posting about how you feel about yourself now. When I read that you almost don't recognize the person you were when you first started posting, it makes me feel so hopeful about my own progress. I take it that you mean that you don't recognize that person because you're not devastated like you were at BD, and because you are a different woman now?

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, even if I'm not a newbie.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #31 on: May 09, 2019, 01:43:43 AM »
Anon,

I hear you ... Ember bounced my thread and asked what was going on because I hadn't updated in a while.... Well, a "while" turned out to be since early February.... VERY little MLC-related is going on in my life anymore.. I too have regular contact (every couple of days) with my STBXW because of the kids but it is all business..... Polite, friendly, but business....

Life? Yep, like you, full to the brim - new projects, new experiences, new challenges and, like I said on Treasur's thread, new fires to fight thanks to the little 2-legged pyromaniacs known as "children." (NOT literal fires but you know what I mean)

I don't know if I'd say I have "arrived" as much as I find myself in transit and moving forward.... and that is good enough for me. Forward movement, even if one is NOT 100% sure of the destination is still movement and it is still forward.... There maybe the odd detour along the way but I believe that the journey is the goal rather than the destination... Mostly because, at the end of the story, the destination is the same for all of us - passing through the veil of life... The journey that we take to get there is what fills our days, fills them with joy and laughter, also with sorrow and tears... That journey called "life."
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #32 on: May 15, 2019, 06:04:30 PM »
Another update on my most recent revelation about my journey, or my current state of mind, or just my mindless rambling. 

First off, for those I follow, my apologies for being so 'absent' on your threads lately.   I am busier than I can ever remember, even before BD.  That's what GAL does I suppose.   I have time to read here occasionally but that's about it.  Summer (spring) is here and that is when the light switch turns on for me.   Winter is the opposite when I lie around like a beached whale with no energy or interest in anything.

I am facing another crossroads in my journey.   I've been content to be separated but not divorced and keep the houses and keep h on title and accept his contribution etc.   Until now.   Maybe its the therapy I've been going to for the last month but I might have changed my mind,,, to my financial detriment.   The best plan for me is to continue as is, and let h contribute but stay invested with me in our matrimonial home and our rental property.   I've offered to buy him out and he has refused and wants to wait for RE to improve in our area (3 - 5 years out).  Its a terrible decision on his part but what the heck.   I'm not about to educate him on how dumb that decision is.... or maybe I am for my own mental health going forward.

Despite all I've said previously about "I'm done", I don't totally feel done as long as we have these joint investments and I feel a bit stuck moving forward.   I would prefer to have no contact once we have severed these ties with the joint investments.  Until then, its necessary occasionally to talk or see each other.    It doesn't help that 1/2 my garage is occupied with his stuff.    I have no choice in the matter.   He is joint owner, pays half the expenses and is entitled to 1/2 the garage.   A lot of his stuff is in my garage, including the mushy cards ow has sent him for Christmas, and Valentines Day.

If I could have things exactly the way I want, his stuff would be gone, he would be off the title, and I love to tell him I don't want him in my life and please leave me alone and have a happy life with what's her name.   Right now, he contacts me way too frequently and only lives about a mile or so away.  He is always coming by for something in the garage or to drop something off.   Drives me nuts.  He told me earlier today he was coming by after his work to pick something up.   I told him that was no problem, but I wouldn't be home so just come by whenever.  I would have been home then except once he told me he was coming by I decided I needed to go get groceries and do a few other errands so I wouldn't be home.    Truth is,,, I would have loved to have stayed in, but I just didn't want to see him and have to pretend 'nice'.  So I left my own home to avoid having to do that and that has got to change. 

So... force a buy out so I can get rid of him?   What if he refuses again, then what to do?   Or sweeten the pot and pay him more than I need to just to get him gone?  Doing this would cost me a small fortune.   Giving up 2 or 3 years more of financial contributions from him so he can stay on title is a lot to give up, never mind giving him more than the buy-out should be.   I seriously am at a crossroads.   One road keeps me financially healthy but mentally not so healthy, the other road gives me mental health but at a great financial cost.   I don't know what to do. 

It's a weird thing, but I feel nothing when I talk to him or see him.  The feelings are gone and I don't miss him.   But... the obsessive thoughts are still there and is why I'm seeing a therapist again.   How can I have no feelings for him but still obsess about what happened to us?  and to him?   Still obsessing about how could he have done this?  Obsessing that he is still with the same woman that led him to blow up my life.   Obsessing that he's somehow 'won', and I'm still the biggest 'dumpee' in this whole soap opera.  It offends me so much that he's still with the original alienator (she's 'won' too), and the thought of continued contact with him going forward makes me ill.   To me the only cure for this is to say a final and forever good bye.  I dream about it.   Anything less is not going to cut it.   So do I force a buy out to my financial detriment (and it's a big detriment), or do I hang in there and find a way to deal with him still being around at times and me having to get away from my own house if I don't want to see or talk to him?










 

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #33 on: May 16, 2019, 02:57:20 AM »
How about neither?

I am going to come left field here but if I was in your situation....

Step 1. Gather together all OW mushy cards from Valentine's and Christmas, place them in your fire place/grill and burn them. Make sure you apply liberal fuel as not to have a scrap left. If he ever questions where they went well...it certainly isn't your job to keep track of his love letters is it?

Step 2. Set boundaries about when he is allowed into the garage. Tell him you appreciate it if he keeps his drop bys in the evening, or weekend, or whatever. Yes it is both of your house but you reside in it. He does not get to just drop by when he feels like it. If a landlord owns your home, they don't get to walk in as they please. His ownership of the house is different from his right to walk in. Ask him if he would like you randomly dropping by his and OW's house to collect mail and take out the trash. Guarantee he will get the message loud and clear.

Step 3. Once number 1 and 2 are in place..see how you feel mentally then. Perhaps they will be enough to help ease that feeling. Personally my mortgage is a joint mortgage with me and Beast. It is cheaper than any rent I would get in the area. It would be ridiculous for me to sell the house, and go rent somewhere twice what I pay...just so I am not tied to him. But we have small children and will be tied together anyway. If cutting off the house allows you to break free completely and you feel that is what you need after reflecting on it a while just do it. Money can always be made again. Peace of mind is priceless. Just make sure you don't jump to anything without a plan.

Just my advice anyway.  8)
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 02:59:41 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2019, 03:03:48 AM »
I think Morte is right about taking a step back from either/or.

Ignore the 'solutions' for a moment but take a bit of time to think about what you most need, why and what the priorities are between different needs. Then, and only then, get a bit of paper and brainstorm some options. Or do it here lol.

It sounds as if your instinct is that what you are currently doing isn't quite right for you but you don't like what you see as the alternatives much either? So it is healthy that you want to find some new ones.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2019, 05:18:41 AM »
Anon,

Don't ever apologize for being busy - we all are happy for you and like you I love summer and the long days and the sun and being outside enjoying life.

Maybe you are obsessing because I do believe we feel that in order to move on we have to understand what happened. At least for me it is so hard to accept something that I don't understand. That's why I was crap in some subjects in school, because unless I could see it and understand it, I didn't get it and I couldn't accept it as facts. I am glad you are back in therapy to get to the bottom of the need to know what happened. Isn't it funny though how we LBS are the deep thinkers...lol...I do not think a single MLC is concerned why they bolted.
Which is also why we LBS will grow from this horrid experience and the MLC will just run until they collapse exhaustedly.

I have to admit that I am a wee bit jealous that you are at a point where you have zero feelings for H. I would imagine that to be so freeing in itself. Hoping I will get there in time myself.

As far s the properties. That's a tough one. Whenever I cannot decide something, I set myself a date and until that date I do not think about the decision. When the date comes I then go with my gut instinct the first time I think about it again. Don't rush a decision and make sure it is what is truly best for you.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2019, 05:30:25 AM »
Schratz, Anon,

Remember the First Axiom of Beardom.....

"Trying to 'understand' MLC is like trying to taste green with your elbow!"

so, unless you LIKE sticking the fork up your nose over and over, you might want to consider evaluating the cost vs. benefit ratio of what it would take to gain the "understanding" you seek, especially if your Mid-Lifer isn't telling you what it was like in their fog.... Without that input, you are working off assumptions and biased observations...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2019, 07:03:49 AM »
It's a weird thing, but I feel nothing when I talk to him or see him.  The feelings are gone and I don't miss him.   But... the obsessive thoughts are still there and is why I'm seeing a therapist again.   How can I have no feelings for him but still obsess about what happened to us?  and to him?   Still obsessing about how could he have done this?  Obsessing that he is still with the same woman that led him to blow up my life.   Obsessing that he's somehow 'won', and I'm still the biggest 'dumpee' in this whole soap opera.  It offends me so much that he's still with the original alienator (she's 'won' too), and the thought of continued contact with him going forward makes me ill.   To me the only cure for this is to say a final and forever good bye.
I can so relate to this Anon. My XW lives a mile away and is still with her Toyboy, the original AP. I obsessed with this all day, every day for a looooooong time. Its quite horrific really.
What I realized is that im actually better off without her, she hasnt won anything and neither has OM. She has lost everything and when he is my age XW will be 60 (no offence but I couldnt imagine my GF being 60 atm.) They deserve each other, they could get married and have 17 Kids and he would STILL BE HER AP! They know it, I know it, our Kids know it, her Family knows it and half of the town knows it! What Kind of life is that??? They are welcome to it, we can hold our heads up high Anon. We have nothing to be ashamed of.


Now go back and read mortes post again! Really, I wanted to write the same
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 07:23:02 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #38 on: May 16, 2019, 10:28:02 AM »
I totally agree - burn anything related to OW.  That is not acceptable that it is in your living space - even a garage.  Secondly, is it possible to move out.  Maybe rent an apartment and then rent the house since he doesn't want to sell right now.  That way you would have your private space and not need to see him.  AND, you don't lose financially when you are ready to go to settlement.  Just a thought.  I lived through what you described, and eventually, I sold the house, moved, and sent him a text that he had to get his stuff out within the following week.  At the time it seemed like a good decision and probably was, but I preferred my old house.  Maybe you can temporarily live somewhere else, and then when you settle the financials, you can move back in.  That way you aren't rushed.  Even though I was completely fed up, the divorce has been incredibly painful and emotionally I don't think I was prepared - thought I was - but wasn't.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #39 on: May 16, 2019, 11:36:55 AM »
Or just have a garage sale... open the doors and offer each item for £1.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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