Author Topic: My Story Bits and Pieces  (Read 2553 times)

Offline hopeandfaith

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My Story Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #60 on: June 14, 2019, 04:42:24 AM »
I like your willingness to look at anger again even though you thought you might have dealt with it.  Maybe its like an onion.. many layers. 

I have really only just realised that I have denied my anger.  I think that if I admitted to myself that I was angry, I would have to give up H.  I am interested in your therapist prodding about the anger.  I'd like to see where he goes with it. 

I used to see it as such a bad emotion.  Now I want to make friends with it and I most certainly want to dig up any that I have pushed down and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #61 on: June 17, 2019, 05:08:20 PM »
I'm fairly certain he will never ask about those lurve letters Anon. I would be surprised if he even remembers they exist. I mean, they were so important that they get stored in the garage after all right?

And I definitely still have anger. I have some compassion too, but I find I have that when I am feeling more detached, which isn't that often. But it does happen every so often. I think anger is one of those emotions that will cycle around the entire time of our healing. Especially if we learn new "details" of their other life. And, like H&F, I think anger is not such a bad thing when channeled properly.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #62 on: June 18, 2019, 10:48:39 AM »
Anon...still following along.  A lot is going on with your.  It is amazing at far you have come recently.  Good for you!  Keep it up!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #63 on: June 18, 2019, 10:11:39 PM »
Your IC sounds useful, Anon.
I think some of us turn our anger inwards into depression for a while.
And then bc our MLC spouse simply doesn't care, any anger feels like it has nowhere to go. And perhaps we worry that the anger will unleash something we don't want to do or feel.
But of course, like anything else, it is just a feeling isn't it?
I had very little anger but a LOT of resentment....and in a funny way, my resentment kept me attached after my h was long gone. It fed some assumptions (which may or may not have been true) and it fed my sense of having been a victim I think. I have always rather envied those who have little doubt that their spouse is a miserable mess bc they see it....it is easier with a vanisher to assume the opposite perhaps and I resented the idea that he/ow were happy while I was struggling so much with all the stuff he had run away from. Almost as if my pain had bought his pleasure....which is a bit of a twisted kind of connection really isn't it?  No idea which story was closest to the truth, but the one I got stuck in didn't help me much.

What happened wasn't right or fair and it took us to a kind of hell.
We grieved while apparently they ran and did not.
It's reasonable to feel angry about how we were treated by people we trusted. And to not much want to worry or feel compassion about their invisible pain while we are bleeding out from our own.
With time, my anger did come out a bit...more about the situation actually than aimed at my then h. For him I felt irritation and a kind of distaste and even contempt sometimes particularly as his MLC flavoured divorce unfolded.

Now? Towards him I cycle round distaste, disappointment and disbelief. I have lost respect for him almost entirely I think and the love is well boxed lol. If it pops out, then I feel compassion for who he was and how horrific it would be if he ever wakes up as that kind of person again, like when I read ShockSis.  I'm not sure I believe that bit of the process in my situation though or maybe I just don't believe in 'him' anymore. Which maybe makes/made me more conscious of my losses and doubting that he had lost anything at all bc he no longer valued it or me. I suppose with time it feels as if my memory of the person who loved and valued me so much, who would have been horrified by all of this, has faded. Rationally though I do know that we both were damaged by what happened - I just don't see his only mine - and that erasing 20 years of your own life as worthless is not necessarily an easy thing for any healthy adult to live with long term. And bc our relationship was a close one, if my xh wanted to avoid ever thinking about me, he will have to do a mental skip from 1997-2016 or keep the conversion of it to whatever horror story he believed about our shared life as a terrible mistake he made. I've found my own 'rewrite' struggles a bit hard tbh...no idea how I could sleep at night with his  :)

But as I have slowly started to focus more on my recovery, I have probably also started to take it less personally in a real way and that reduced the resentment. And forgiving myself for my own choices and responses that brought me here and made me more vulnerable to a spouse in crisis. Seeing it as more something that happened as opposed to something he did if that makes sense, a bit futile like shouting at the wind. Having said that, I am sure that if I ever had to interact with him again, some anger and resentment would resurface so perhaps it's good I don't!
« Last Edit: June 18, 2019, 10:41:41 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #64 on: June 19, 2019, 11:56:09 AM »
I’ve just proven the theory in my own case at least, that recovery for the lbs is AT BEST, 2 steps forward, 1 back.   Yep,, I’ve had some psychological set-backs lately.

It started off slowly a month or so ago, when I feared that h was going to bring ow to my city for a visit before going to the coast for a mini vacation.    They did this last year and at that time h tried to talk me into switching places to entertain family, but denied ow was coming.   That was a lie so now I don’t trust him.   If I’m right and she’s coming here again this year, I suspect he will try to get her in the house when I’m at work to quickly show it to her.   We have a nice house and it’s all he can show to her since he has lived in cheap rentals since moving out.   He would only want to do this to elevate himself in her eyes somehow.   I don’t know how,,, since it’s not really even his house anymore technically, but she doesn’t have to know that. 

So,,, I didn’t exactly change the locks (legally I can’t) but I added a lock that can be engaged so if I suspect ow is around I can lock him out temporarily.   The only thing to figure out was if she was in town or not.   

H uses a cell phone on my account.   He pays the bill but the account is in my name.   That gives me access to the phone records.   From there I can tell if he’s still calling her where she lives.   Anyway, about a month ago I started looking each day around noon to see if he called her.  If he did then I knew she wasn’t in town.   If there was no call then I would use the second lock.    It’s a bit nutty to do I know, but it’s given me peace of mind when I have to leave the house that they cannot get in if she’s in town.   For this purpose it’s great and tells me what I need to know but overall,,, a really really bad idea.   Looking at stuff like this is pure poison to the lbs….

Looking at the records,,, I’m shocked to see a typical day is 10 - 20 calls made from h to ow starting the second he wakes up and continuing anywhere from every 30 - 90 minutes until about dinner time when they stop.  Rarely any calls after dinner.   The calls continue throughout their work day and total talk time is usually around 90 minutes/day but can reach 3 hours - every day.   If he calls and gets no answer he will try again every 5 minutes or so until he gets through.    None of my business.   It isn’t, and I’m looking way beyond what I need to determine if she’s visiting here or not.   

Surprisingly it upsets me to know this.   Am I not as detached/indifferent as I hoped or thought I was?   Clearly,,, the romance is stronger than ever or maybe I should say the obsession is stronger than ever.   Who talks that much on the phone???   I couldn’t stand that much contact every day for 2 years on the bloody phone?   Don’t they have a life outside of talking on the phone?   Is this what a long distance relationship is or is it what a long distance mlc relationship is?   

So I have mixed feelings about so much right now.   First off,, what the heck is wrong beyond MLC with h?  The obsession seems way beyond MLC behavior.    Is he even in MLC?   My h doesn’t monster, at least not with me.   The worse he gets is indifferent but never rude or nasty.   He always pays what he’s supposed to every month and on time,,, sometimes more.   He comes over to do little acts of service that I generally discourage but even that has been tapering off lately.   From what little I know and from what I have heard he does not run down ow but admits he is crazy about her and thinks she’s every man’s dream.   He dotes on her, pays for everything, does whatever it takes to keep her ‘his’.   The worse thing he ever said about her to me and shortly after bd and before he really took the plunge was that “there’s something ‘off’ about her”, and she is controlling and watches him like a hawk.   I don’t know if he still thinks that now - doubtful.   He is so thoroughly entangled in this r its hard to believe.   From a stable M to this R almost instantly.   

I’ve pretty much known most of this for awhile now and even so, I’ve been able to detach and move on quite nicely.    At first I was in disbelief that this R could go so deep so quick but here we are 2 years later and he is if anything even deeper and not really acting too MLCish anymore.   He still dresses a bit different compared to what he used to but not MLC obviously anymore.    What he does/did doesn’t stop me now from going forward, so why does this obsessive phone calling bug me so much?   She almost never is the initiator of the phone calls either - why does THAT bug me when none of this should?

My blood boils thinking about it.   So much anger.   Is it because he really did get away with what he did to me?  to us?   It sure looks to me like he did.   His insane gamble paid off and I’m furious.   He left me with a million pieces to pick up, assemble and glue back while his gamble paid off and I’m more than a little enraged that he didn’t pay emotionally for what he did.   
I wouldn’t be so furious at him if I really believed he’s a MLC case but lately,,, I can’t help but think he’s not.   

This is a totally irrational rant on my part.  I know I’m way better off than he is in many ways so I should be okay that he seems to have found his better half.   I’m doing well even though it has been a rough 2 years.    My adjustment from married to single hasn’t been super easy but I”ve done okay.   I enjoy my own company and I enjoy choosing exactly what and when I’m going to do something, but to be honest,,, I’m jealous of him - that he is someone’s #1, that someone ‘has his back’ and is his safe place to fall.  He loves someone and is loved back.    I miss all those things a lot at times.   So furious that he got all he has through his ugly betrayal of me.   

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #65 on: June 19, 2019, 12:50:05 PM »
Anon...Is there something in the air?

I just had some insecurities about H and OW that led to me ranting and rambling on my journal.  LOL! 

As for the phone records.....I used to look at the records constantly.  Do you know what I found.   That H called OW and they spoke for long hours.  Like you, I could pinpoint when they were together and when they were not based on call volume.  Ya know what else I did.  I gave myself reason to monkey brain.

Once I weened myself off looking....OMG...I felt so much better.  So much!  So now I don't look.  Am I curious....yes I am!  But I don't like the anxiety I got.  A few weeks ago I caved and looked again and the anxiety I caused myself for hours for a few minute peek was not worth it.

Looking did not move things along.
Looking did not tell me about the substance of the convos.
Looking did not stop the crisis.
Looking did nothing to help me and everything to keep me stuck.

I realize now....it was me trying to keep a last link to H.  I had nothing else.  I let it go.

I understand why you look.  I won't try to dissuade you...you are a grown woman!  You do what is best for you.  I will support you if you try to stop looking.  I'll help in anyway I can but I won't condemn you for looking!  This in essence is your crisis too and you have to figure things out for you too!  You are and will! 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #66 on: June 19, 2019, 01:25:27 PM »
Thanks Sam - I KNOW looking is not good and I haven't really until recently when trying to detect when ow might be in town.   The problem is once I am there to find that much out, I just keep on looking.   Like I said,,, it is pure poison for us lbs!


I just came back from the mailbox and I'm furious all over again!!    Since h left he has continued to use the marital home address for everything.   He hardly gets anything since most is online now but every so often there is something.   Like today.   His ow sent him a birthday card to my (our) address, complete with her return address and swak xxx on the back.  Swak = Sealed with a kiss.    I just called him and told him it was highly inappropriate for her to send this card to the address where I live, knowing I pick up the mail and would see it.   H got a bit defensive saying it wouldn't be from his gf - she wouldn't do that.   I told him the return address and he said yeah, that's her.    I asked him to get his mail redirected and he got ticked saying 'oh come on, it's just one thing and it won't happen again'.  And...'it's already been 2 years', like I shouldn't be bothered in the least by it.   

Seeing that card in my mailbox was a massive trigger - how dare she!  And how dare he defend her.   


Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #67 on: June 19, 2019, 02:38:11 PM »
Oh Anon--make NO mistake. That card was not for H. It was for YOU and you alone. She sent that b/c she is feeling insecure. Clearly, 20-30 phone calls a day is a whole lotta crazy.  And likely the result of a lack of trust on both parts. As hurtful as this is, it is actually kind of a good thing b/c it shows everything isn't so great in lala-land.  The cracks are beginning to show. 2 years isn't that long, particularly if they are not living together. And even more particularly when in MLC.


but to be honest,,, I’m jealous of him - that he is someone’s #1, that someone ‘has his back’ and is his safe place to fall.  He loves someone and is loved back.    I miss all those things a lot at times.   So furious that he got all he has through his ugly betrayal of me.   


Oh boy, I could have written every last word! I feel this way all the time! And it sucks. But.....we assume OW has the prior versions of our Hs. And well, she doesn't. Did you ever get 20 phone calls a day? No, b/c that is BAT SH!TE CRAY CRAY!  They are 2 peas in a pod. And she is clearly jealous of you, even though she is the "winner."

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #68 on: June 19, 2019, 03:04:44 PM »
Oh KIT,,, this triggered a horrible reaction in me.   h called to tell me he called her and asked her why she sent it here.    Supposedly she apologized but didn't think it was a big deal but at the same time asked if I was going through his mail?   What??  I collect the mail and there it was.  She's nuts.   I eff'n hate them both right now.   10 days ago they were celebrating the 2nd anniversary since they met.   They are celebrating the beginning of their R when it was another 3 weeks before I knew a thing about what was going on.   All the triggers are in overdrive and killing me.   The insensitivity, cruelty, whatever....   No way I would ever have a married boyfriend but if I did I can't imagine being so cruel to send a xxx swak card to his ex's house knowing she would pick up the mail.   I never want to talk to h again....he's trash, she's trash, never want to see or talk to him again, wish I never knew him.   So unrealistic but if I could have one wish that's what I'd wish.   >:(

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bits and Pieces
« Reply #69 on: June 19, 2019, 03:45:47 PM »
I totally get it. Of course they are cruel--they are selfish children with no regard for anyone else's feelings.  I hear ya, I get extremely angry when I think about things too. Hugs friend. You didn't deserve any of that.

And also, WHO sends BDay cards in the mail to their boyfriend????  I mean, above the age of 12?

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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