Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth  (Read 5531 times)

Offline SonganddanceTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2019, 12:27:24 AM »
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Has your h ever admitted that he was struggling with his own issues post BD?

Immediately post BD he would talk about the fog and the confusion. He would also disparage OW and her his quote" dysfunctional children". He would say that he didn't understand what was happening in his brain.  Since then - nothing.
D did once challenge him in front of me about his FOO issues especially his father who died suddenly in front of him and he tried to deny that was still having an effect on him. When we all told him what he did everytime his dad was mentioned he stopped and for the first time acknowledged that he needed help on that. 

Has he been to an IC - I believe so in the third year and whilst I think that helped break up him and the OW he did say that she also told him that he had to pursue what was right for him.  I think he saw her for 6 weeks.  He then became fascinated with a medium/spritualist who channelled his mother.........

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Do you still see MLC like behaviour in him?
I see distancing and snappiness from time to time. I still sense that he is not right. Health wise he's not great but he is getting much better about looking after his health.

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Or does it feel like this is who he is now after his crisis?
I don't know is the honest answer.  Is he truly through his crisis. He still talks about having somewhere of his own.

One thing he did do though that was a huge sign of progress was to go and see S perform in his first professional contract. He went on his own and afterwards told S that he enjoyed it and that he was proud of him.   S accepted it and I think a little olive branch was extended.  Since then S has held two conversations with H that were almost completely normal.

H has also accepted that S has an addiction problem and is supporting us both far more practically than he did last year.

As I type this - I am realising that H is still working on reconnecting with S and, until that is secure, he won't really turn to me.  We get on really well now but as I said as Housemates.  Maybe he needed me to be the lead and the safe one so that he could begin to connect with S who has been very, very vocal and physical in his contempt for H.
There have been increasing positive exchanges between H and S over the last few weeks. Maybe this is where H is. 

Maybe the order of reconnection has been skewed and confirmed at the same time.  Skewed because I have been so normal with H so that I have misunderstood how much he is reconnecting with me - I've been a very firm anchor and this has allowed H to make tentative steps in connecting with S and confirmed because until he has reconnected properly with S, he won't fully reconnect with me and even begin to think if he wants to rebuild.

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It also sounds as if you feel able to move forward without him if that is what you decide to do. What would not standing mean to you other than living in separate homes?

It means being me.  The stress of a full time MLCer stay at homer has potentially skewed who I am at my core.  Hard to explain but I think I am still managing my behaviour to accommodate the MLC.  That has to stop and I have to be me at my core.  That is why unless H chooses to rebuild, we have to live separately so that I can breathe for me.  It's no longer the eggshells of early crisis and I certainly do what I want when I want, and I also have no problem living a single life but the tie of H is so strong that there is this dance of communication always going on.

Does any of that make sense?



« Last Edit: April 26, 2019, 12:42:05 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2019, 12:58:41 PM »
Think you're right, Song. Husband probably needs to properly reconnect with son before he can truly turns towards you and start to rebuild.

He has been showing practical progress towards son, so husband is not still.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline SonganddanceTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #22 on: April 26, 2019, 01:02:44 AM »
Thanks Anjae - oddly enough I feel a little more peaceful internally.  It's part of even more letting go; not because I think we will reconcile and am just "waiting" but a more complete sense of what will be will be.   Strange.

Anyway back to any questions? 

RCR talks about paving the way and I think this is most confusing for some. I do wonder if the fact that H is reconnecting is a direct result of me having paved the way for much of the early stages and not been bitter or vicious? 

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All I wanted to say many pages ago was that we, as LBS, get to vent with some choice names (preferably, not...) for OW/OM but need to move on and learn to focus on ourselves.  Pickling ourselves in a jar of so much anger, resentment, and hatred (sometimes) is not good for our soul.

The proof is in the pudding.  One only has to read some threads and see who is living a better and happier life overall.  Is it the person(s) who continually berate and insult MLCer, OW/OM, MLCer’s family, his friends, etc?  Or, is the person(s) who turn her eyes away from them and focus on her own healing and growth?  One needn’t be Einstein to figure that out.  Sure, it’s really tough to get over all that anger at life, MLCer, etc.  But it is our CHOICE to turn our own head around and get cracking at making something of each day.  We are not some helpless garden ornaments that get shifted here and there at someone else’s whim.  We control our own mindset. 

This is from Acorn's thread. It is such a brilliant statement and it really helps all of us understand that it is how we respond and behave that determines our peace of mind as we navigate this journey and it is also a clear example of paving the way that seems so confusing to some.

After BD we are in shock, we become angry and we begin to have all range of negative feelings about our spouse the OP etc... We then think that it is to do with us as we receive projection after projection - is there truth in what our MLCer are saying.   Sometimes there is the modicum of truth and we have to recognise it.

H accused me of being controlling very soon in and I knew he was right.  Conversations with family where I (at that time was so desperate to know what I had done wrong) confirmed this.  So as part of "paving the way" I learned to control all the things that were important such as finances, my health, my job and also my language, behaviour and reactions with H and let everything else go with regards to H and his antics.

Learning to not take control has been liberating.  I do still have control over much but instead of trying to fix any problem, I apply the rule of 3 , step back and observe. 

Listening is also the greatest skill that any new LBS can apply when interacting with their spouses.  In listening you create a sense of trust.  Bizarre thing to say especially when your MLCer has blown that out of the water but it's true.  The MLCer needs someone to trust because they have exploded their world.  In trusting you - they will trust the OP less and less.
Once I had really understood this and put it into practice - monster disappeared. 

To me this is paving the way and so, when reconnection occurs, you begin to pave again and this time you are more relaxed and expert with it and whilst it is almost second nature; you are also very very mindful and this is a healthy way to move forward.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #23 on: April 26, 2019, 01:38:50 AM »
Hi Song, I'm not reconnecting so I can't say anything about that but I like what you wrote about paving the way.. It is very confusing indeed and sometimes I question if what I did was pave the way or being a doormat but how you put it above really makes a lot of sense..

I never got the anger and bitterness. Probably down to the fact that OW was/is fantasy. My H dissolved our marriage 13 months ago and he hasn't engaged in any serious relationship and at this stage, if he does, I couldn't really get angry about it because we are separated over a year. It will hurt but I don't feel I have the right to be angry because he made no promises to me, as far as he's concerned we are done.

Because I never got angry, it was easier for me to treat him with compassion and respect. I didn't have to force it, it actually came naturally to me. Having said that, I was only able to behave that way once he moved out. I also saw a change in H's behavior towards me when I stopped resisting the fact that he wanted to leave. Probably he felt less/no pressure so he didn't have anything to monster about.

I admire the strength of the LBSs with live-ins.. As much as I miss having my H home, the confusion, hurt and self esteem stabs I felt when he was home were quite damaging.. You have done such a great job over the last few years and I'm glad to hear you feel at peace. My take on your H's behavior is that he still doesn't fully know what he wants so that's why he says he won't commit.. If he was fully cooked, he would KNOW if he will or won't commit to the relationship.. Reconnecting with son sounds like a step in the right direction and you could be next but you will know that when the time comes... But that's just my opinion from the cheap seats!

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline SonganddanceTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2019, 01:42:48 AM »
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But that's just my opinion from the cheap seats!

Fantastic response and certainly not from the cheap seats - from the dress circle I think! 
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2019, 02:42:51 AM »
You're welcome, Song.

I don't know about Paving the Way. By BD was years before HS existed and until I come here I have never of it. I have also never heard of standing.

However, from what I observe on HS and real life, it does not seem to make a difference.

Some LBS paved the way, and are still paving, and the MLCer is still in crisis many years down the road, others didn't Pave the Way and the MLCer has been wanting back, but the LBS does not want the MLCer back.

Also, your husband, like Acorn's, never left. Maybe that makes a difference?

I never tought it was about me. What made me furious was the disloyalty, the disrespect and the lying. I am talking of when OW1 was made public, after months of Mr J lying to me. When I get really, really furious I become ice. Guess how well that worked with a super emotional MLCer ...
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline SonganddanceTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #26 on: April 26, 2019, 03:09:48 AM »
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Some LBS paved the way, and are still paving, and the MLCer is still in crisis many years down the road, others didn't Pave the Way and the MLCer has been wanting back, but the LBS does not want the MLCer back.

Ah but then isn't that the ultimate confusion over the phrase "paving the way"  Paving the way to what was my initial question?  Was it paving the way to reconciliation?  Was it paving the way to sanity? Was it paving the way to divorce but a calm and straightforward one?

What did paving the way actually mean?

To me paving the way is for the LBS and only the LBS.  It is not a deliberate means of getting the MLCer back or even to communicate with you. Paving the way is ensuring that the LBS is self sufficient, secure, mentally and emotionally healthy so that whatever happens happens and the LBS will be fine.

So to me the whole phrase is "paving the way to finding me and my life."
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #27 on: April 26, 2019, 03:18:37 AM »
I don’t believe there is one paving the way.

You can pave the way to a better you
You can pave the way to show your MLCer your open to reconciliation.
You can pave the way to a new R with someone else.

I don’t think there’s only one way your paving too.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SonganddanceTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #28 on: April 26, 2019, 03:28:18 AM »
I don’t believe there is one paving the way.

You can pave the way to a better you
You can pave the way to show your MLCer your open to reconciliation.
You can pave the way to a new R with someone else.

I don’t think there’s only one way your paving too.

I agree Sachat3. 

However all of the  actions you undertake when "paving the way" remain the same, irrespective of the goal and will still benefit all end results - no matter what they are.

 
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #29 on: April 26, 2019, 03:32:40 AM »
100%

I think let’s say, you want to reconcile and your trying to show your MLCer that your open to reconciliation by day, not filing for divorce. As long as doing that brings you peace and is best for you. Then fine. I think “paving the way” only becomes an issue, when in effect your cutting your nose of to spit your face and not filing to show openness but then your unhappy because financially your worse off.

If that makes sense?
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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