Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth  (Read 3581 times)

Offline 9393roo

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #100 on: June 16, 2019, 10:23:21 AM »
Acorn, your writing about space is awesome. 

Song and Dance, a question for you.  Have you and your H ever been to marriage counseling?  I feel like I am going through many of the same feelings you are having but I was having trouble getting this across to my H.  When my H started to turn back to me he started frantically trying to put everything back to the way it was pre BD.  The only problem is with all the work I've done on myself I have realized our marriage needed much work before the bomb, we were both so busy and I in my conflict avoidance personality did not address it.  We can't go back pre BD because it did not work for me.  We have started marriage counseling (My H's wish) because my H seems very confused at my changes and new boundaries.  We are slowly starting to address things.  My H too had an affair with someone at work.  There is a new woman in our office with the same profile as the OW and I have made it known what my boundaries are with her with our counselor.  My H is starting to wake up and see that this could potentially be a problem for me. 

I've leaned something very key to my H through marriage counseling.  He needs very clear, very specific boundaries on our relationship.  He grew up on a very religious family and he learned quickly that many things are up for interpretation.   I was never very clear on what I needed before BD and during replay I let him walk all over me with cake eating. 

Marriage counseling is showing both of us how we grew up communicating and how it has affected our marriage.  It's been pretty eye opening.  I know marriage counseling is not for everyone.  We did have a marriage counselor when replay started and it was a disaster because my H lied through the whole thing.  It has to be the right time and with the right person.  Between that and my H's individual counselor we are moving forward. 

Each of us are different and all of our situations vary.  Thought I would just add my 2 cents.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #101 on: June 16, 2019, 10:48:00 AM »
I must add our current attitude re ‘Space’ took a while to materialize.  It is quite recent.   H NEEDED Space in great quantities even as we were seriously connecting.  As our commitment to each other and M became a certainty did the current definition of Space took shape. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #102 on: June 17, 2019, 12:52:30 AM »
Quote
Have you and your H ever been to marriage counseling?

No 93 and I doubt highly that we ever will.  Most marriage counsellors here only see betrayal aka the affair as the cause of the breakdown of a marriage (very few truly get MLC). Until H addresses his FOO issues - there is absolutely no point in doing this.  He needs to repair himself first.

I also believe that sometimes learning  to communicate better can also mean learning how to argue more effectively - itonic huh?

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #103 on: June 17, 2019, 01:14:34 AM »
A little chink of clarity occcurred yesterday.

H and I were having a brief conversation about cars - mine needs replacing - and so does Ds etc...

I then asked H where the money was going to come from and he replied "well me of course; it just means I'll have to work longer before I can retire"   (H is principled in that you do nothing on HP unless essential and you buy things outright so that they are yours- I get it)
Me - You don't have to carry on working - you can retire.  This is why we should seriously contemplate selling the house H. At this moment in time our bills and mortgage are £.....  If we sell and find somewhere cheaper - that could leave us a bit of capital for other things like cars etc...  Imagine having a house that has no mortgage even though the household bills might be the same. That would take the strain off both of us and allow you to slow down or retire. 
I am finding my retirement wonderful but well over half my monthly pension goes on the house so if we move it will help both of us.  We could have another house that is mortgage free and at least live a little better.  It also depends on whether we have a house together or two separate places. What do you want? 

H - I just want a little place in (remote area of the country)  so that I can retreat there when I need to.

Me - Absolutely = totally get it.  I want a small holiday home in ......for the same reason.

H - But that's not going to happen unless I keep on working. Mind you I didn't think I would live past my late fifties (just before BD) and I'm still here.

Me - Quite - and you're here now. Sowhat if we were to sell the house and release the capital tied up in it?  I want you to be able to enjoy your future life and if that means you have a place in ...... then fine.

H - You find somewhere and sort you out and if there's capital left over then I can perhaps use that.

Me - You are technically entitled to more

H - No - I don't deserve that. You find somewhere and perhaps we can go from there.

So - he hasn't said he wants the marriage but he clearly doesn't want it not to continue. 

He also still talks about having his own place and of being undeserving.

I will carry on and do my own sweet thing which is to get this place ready for sale and there is so much to do following a couple of agents ' who "very kindly" pointed out why the place wouldn't sell for as much as I had hoped unless we did this, that and the other plus a slow down in the market will buy me that time.

Reconnection is hard.   And even though some of you may say - pull the plug - I think if I do it's like giving an ultimatum which never works.   If I pulled away and sued for divorce I am fairly convinced that H will not suddenly take notice but believe that he deserved that and so pull away completely.   

I think I have to keep moving forward and seeing where we go. It's hard work but on the bright side - he spent so much time with GD yesterday, playing silly games, laughing and being a very lovely Grandfather and dad to D.  He even had a couple of laughs with S so if we end up not being together I know that at least those relationships are very secure or on their way.

That in itself is like Gold- dust and all I could ask for.  Me I want nothing - I am content with me. I am ok!



 
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #104 on: June 17, 2019, 01:27:13 AM »
Quote
Have you and your H ever been to marriage counseling?

No 93 and I doubt highly that we ever will.  Most marriage counsellors here only see betrayal aka the affair as the cause of the breakdown of a marriage (very few truly get MLC). Until H addresses his FOO issues - there is absolutely no point in doing this.  He needs to repair himself first.

I also believe that sometimes learning  to communicate better can also mean learning how to argue more effectively - ironic huh?

Or to argue at all...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #105 on: June 17, 2019, 08:37:11 AM »
Sorry, I’m slow.
You both desire your own getaway place.  Do you mean in addition to a common place where you would live together for the majority of time?  That means 3 houses?

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #106 on: June 17, 2019, 09:09:56 AM »
I think it means two houses? A main one and a bolthole?
Would it be possible or sensible to put the main one in your name and the bolthole in his just in case?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #107 on: June 17, 2019, 09:40:20 AM »
Ok - to clarify.

I have always wanted a holiday lodge/ static caravan in my most favourite part of England and had hoped that my pension lump sum would go a long way towards buying one. However, children and their challenges got in the way so that has been put on the back burner.

H has always since well before BD talked about having a small holding or farm in a different part of the UK and prior to BD did everything he could to try to convince me to move but I wouldn't. His chosen area really is incredibly remote and he wanted to have a place with no electric, no running water and no contact with the outside world but acres and acres of mountains and field.  Lovely for some but not for me. I am not mad on mod cons but bringing up small children in that environment was not one I wanted.
It is almost bizarre that for someone who relies so much on technology for his work that he thinks he could live the completely opposite lifestyle. It's a great idea for an extended retreat and I totally get that but I am fairly convinced he would eventually regret such a decision.

So if we were to sell this house (where we live is prime area) and our house has doubled in price since purchase over and the mortgage is not huge but not so small that we can pay it off in one fell swoop. Therefore the potential equity is considerable and would easily cover the cost of a decent house in a cheaper living area leaving some capital for a small lodge/caravan for me and a  small property in his chosen location. To give you an idea - houses that would sell where we are  for £400K are selling for a quarter of the price where he wants to go.
Yes it sounds as though we have money and I count myself very fortunate in that regard, but we were lucky to be able to barter a really good price on our current house in the first place when we bought it and we have also been lucky with living in a prime area with the house prices rising and being able to have a much smaller mortgage than most.

So hope this makes sense.  I want a small holiday home that I can let out to friends and family but reserve the right to take advantage of good weather when I can. H wants a bolt hole/ semi permanent retreat.

But we have a GD and I also want to stay close to her and my children so my holiday home may not happen but then at least I would have some capital to be able to afford to go away. 




BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Acorn

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #108 on: June 17, 2019, 10:43:46 AM »
Thank you for explaining that, Song. 

The sense I get from your dialogue with your H is one of budding peace and acceptance.  For both of you. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 23 - Reconnecting - the myth and the truth
« Reply #109 on: June 20, 2019, 01:46:50 AM »
Quick note

Just discovered that H's OW (2013 -2016) has married her new boyfriend.  They have been together for just under 2 yrs. I can't help but wonder when it will all go wrong.  ::) ::) :P :-X :-X

Her official wedding picture is deliberately identical to Queen Victoria and Prince Albert's. Same style dress and head dress etc and he has a sash and the background is dark with the same accessories.  Really really weird.......

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

 

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