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Author Topic: My Story Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair

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My Story Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
OP: April 25, 2019, 01:06:10 PM
     Hello Everyone,

   I have been reading on here for a while now and decided to post. My wife and I have only been married for five years but together for twelve. We have two kids B9 D8 and I have helped raise three step kids.

  I noticed my wife acting strangely around January of 18. She said we needed to talk (BD#1) so I asked her if she was thinking of divorcing me and she acted like I was crazy for thinking it. I was working to much and she wasn't able to give me what I needed etc etc. So I made changes and started to work less.  After that I really fell into a depression and I assumed it was me. I mean, we were looking at buying a house together then I traded my car in for a new one for her. But I kept feeling like something was off with us.

  I then started to blame myself I thought I was going crazy. That this was all in my head and I might need help, Maybe I was Bi Polar ( my sister is). I cried on my way to work everyday I couldn't figure out what was going on. We had always been so good together. I was also working about 90 hard hrs a week at the time so I was exhausted.


  Then she sent me a text that she wanted a change (BD#2) and that I was the best friend and best husband a woman could ever ask for but she didn't want to be married anymore. Needless to say I was crushed. I went to talk with a lawyer the next day and had papers drawn up but she didn't want to sign. Then I was on the couch three days after BD and noticed she was filling out some paper work and asked what she was doing. She told me she was making an appointment to have her tubes tied.  I have a vasectomy so I was pretty upset at the thoughtless act. She assured me that even if she decided to change her mind and stay with me that she is always worried about getting pregnant still. We were still having sex regularly afterwords so I assumed we could work all of this out. We were still doing activities together and having a normal relationship.

   I decided to make a change at work as I realized my hours weren't going to get any better unless I made a change. I decided to move the family back to the mainland. I left three weeks before my wife and kids came out. we were supposed to live together until we got on our feet. We still haven't told the kids what was going on. During that time she met someone and had sex with him. When she moved out with the kids she told me about the affair, that was Nov. 27th.

   I did everything wrong after that I called her horrible names , begged, pleaded and cried and had no self respect. I broke a chair in the house during our argument and basically acted like a child. Then three days after she told me about the affair she flew back out to see him. That's when another fight ensued as I have been treated like dog Sh1te stuck on the bottom of her shoe.

 I have been N/C accept for anything about the kids which we text about. Other than that I don't see or hear from her at all.  I have celebrated X-mas , Easter and my daughters B-day without her. All of things I have mentioned are way out of character for her. I do miss and love her but I understand there isn't anything I can do for her. I do wonder of this was an exit affair as I have decided to stand. But don't want to throw my life away either.
 

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BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#1: April 25, 2019, 01:24:50 PM
Well from this and what you wrote on the other thread... I don't think it is an exit affair.

I am not an expert but, you sensed things were off for ages...she had already told you things weren't working out and there was a disconnect. My money is she was already having this affair even if it was just emotional. She then decided to have her tubes tied because she already has 5 kids and doesn't want to get knocked up if she is sleeping around. She wouldn't have needed to tie her tubes if she was staying with you since you have had a vasectomy..unless she KNEW she would be having sex with someone who might NOT be.

And the whole ''I want a divorce'' followed by NOT signing the papers screams MLCer to me.

If it was an exit affair, she would have signed straight away.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#2: April 25, 2019, 02:13:19 PM
Hello and welcome, Father5.

From what you wrote, it seems more MLC than an exit affair.

Morte pointed to relevant points:

She wouldn't have needed to tie her tubes if she was staying with you since you have had a vasectomy..unless she KNEW she would be having sex with someone who might NOT be.

She didn't consult you before hand about tie her tubes, which would have be a normal thing to do. You have a vasectomy, so, like Mort says, if she was going to stay with you, she does not need her tubes tied.

And the whole ''I want a divorce'' followed by NOT signing the papers screams MLCer to me.

If it was an exit affair, she would have signed straight away.

This is, I think, even more telling. A person having an exit affair would sign the pappers right away. MLCers tend to say they want a divorce, then don't sign the papers and just drag things.

You are already NC aside from kids related things and wife has left. Keep focusing on yourself and kids is all you can do.

Beg, plead and cry isn't great, but many of us done it early on. You have learned not to keep doing. As for the fights and breaking a chair. Not good, but it happened. What is done is done and you know it was wrong. Don't keep beating yourself about it, rather, work on bettering yourself.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#3: April 25, 2019, 02:41:47 PM
Welcome. Your BD is only a few months after mine so I can’t ofger much in a way of help really because it’s relatively new to me. However I don’t think it’s exit affair either.

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H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#4: April 25, 2019, 05:56:14 PM
No way it's an exit affair....it's a full-blown MLC (her cycling emotions confirm that!)
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« Last Edit: April 25, 2019, 06:24:26 PM by megogirl »

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#5: April 26, 2019, 03:53:18 AM
F5, sorry that your here mate.
Seems like MLC to me but it doesnt really matter as such. What your Feeling is the same either way. You have to look out for Nr1 now (thats you btw), your W is off in lalaland and there is nothing that you can do to Change that.
WE ALL made lots of mistakes, we are humans, thats what we do best. We just have to learn from them and from others mistakes too by reading other threads.
I made another massive mistake just 2 days ago after being "fine" for a Long time. OK, it WAS a really $h!tety Situation and it involved one of my children but still, I should have known better.

Im just saying, dont beat yourself up about mistakes, they happen and most probably make no difference to the Outcome whatsoever.
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BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
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Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#6: April 26, 2019, 04:01:22 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#7: April 26, 2019, 05:28:53 AM
Welcome to the party to which NO ONE EVER wanted an invitation....

Based on what you have written so far, I would side with an MLC as well... However, I agree with Morte that the affair was already in progress long before you moved to the Mainland... Sorry to be so blunt but the disconnect, the whole "Things need to change" etc., reeks of something already in place... She wasn't going to jump ship until she had someplace to go....

Read the articles that Old Pilot refers to in his signature and opening note. They will give you a wealth of info ...

Question : Are your kids with you now? If not, you might need to be VERY watchful because MLCérs are not exactly praised for their ability to be responsible...

Second question is whether or not you have made any moves to financially protect/separate yourself from your Mid-Lifer.... There is less water going over Niagara Falls and at a slower rate than a Mid-Lifer burning through cash....  Make suure you are isolated from any nonsense that may occur and make sure that your kids are protected as well...
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#8: April 26, 2019, 06:01:22 AM
Actually I think another sign of MLCness is that YOU started to question your own sanity...

It becomes clearer with time tbh. Either way right now, you are where you are and all you can do is protect yourself, be a decent parent and focus on your own path forward the best you can. I found that, over time, what made it obviously not a 'normal' situation was that my h's behaviour got more loopy and extreme as time went by even though I was not standing in the way of his divorce and had very little contact with him. It became obvious that it was simply impossible to have a calm rational conversation with him about anything at all....and it wasn't my crazy so logically he was 'off' in some way.

Agree wiih all the sensible advice here about priorities. I'm glad that you have some family support.
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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#9: April 26, 2019, 07:36:22 AM
  Thank you all for your replies!

  I have the kids 50% of the time. At first she seemed like she wanted tot totally check out from being a parent. But she has seemed to come around more the last few months, helping out at school etc. I did have a scare a few months back about her taking the kids back to the islands as we aren't state citizens unit May 8th. But that has subsided for now but I do have a few weeks to go. She did have a serious conversation with my kids about this.

  All of our finances are protected, we are totally separate on this already which is good. She has already been on about 6 trips already since moving here in Nov. I am not sure where she is getting the money !
 
  I have really started to get on with my life I play a lot of tennis, surf and do yoga. I also play on a softball team which has been great for making friends. I spend most of my time with the kids on my days. The kids seem to be handling it okay. They don't talk about it to much or ask any questions. I just make sure they know they are loved and that I am a safe place to talk. I never talk about their mother in a negative light to them. I really never bring her up to them at all.

  I have noticed that I am feeling much stronger as of late. I went a few weeks with feeling just amazing and really felt like I was getting back to my old self. Then this last week I felt a cycle of anger. I prayed and meditated on it and I seem to be getting past it now. I cycled 24/7 in the beginning then a few days a week then a few hours etc etc. This last cycle was different. I went weeks with feeling almost as good as I have ever felt in a long time. Then my cycle also lasted about a week and was a little more intense. But i'm happy with my good days as they are seeming really good !
 

  Thank you all again for the advice ! keep it coming !
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

 

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