Author Topic: My Story Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair  (Read 2143 times)

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« on: April 25, 2019, 01:06:10 PM »
     Hello Everyone,

   I have been reading on here for a while now and decided to post. My wife and I have only been married for five years but together for twelve. We have two kids B9 D8 and I have helped raise three step kids.

  I noticed my wife acting strangely around January of 18. She said we needed to talk (BD#1) so I asked her if she was thinking of divorcing me and she acted like I was crazy for thinking it. I was working to much and she wasn't able to give me what I needed etc etc. So I made changes and started to work less.  After that I really fell into a depression and I assumed it was me. I mean, we were looking at buying a house together then I traded my car in for a new one for her. But I kept feeling like something was off with us.

  I then started to blame myself I thought I was going crazy. That this was all in my head and I might need help, Maybe I was Bi Polar ( my sister is). I cried on my way to work everyday I couldn't figure out what was going on. We had always been so good together. I was also working about 90 hard hrs a week at the time so I was exhausted.


  Then she sent me a text that she wanted a change (BD#2) and that I was the best friend and best husband a woman could ever ask for but she didn't want to be married anymore. Needless to say I was crushed. I went to talk with a lawyer the next day and had papers drawn up but she didn't want to sign. Then I was on the couch three days after BD and noticed she was filling out some paper work and asked what she was doing. She told me she was making an appointment to have her tubes tied.  I have a vasectomy so I was pretty upset at the thoughtless act. She assured me that even if she decided to change her mind and stay with me that she is always worried about getting pregnant still. We were still having sex regularly afterwords so I assumed we could work all of this out. We were still doing activities together and having a normal relationship.

   I decided to make a change at work as I realized my hours weren't going to get any better unless I made a change. I decided to move the family back to the mainland. I left three weeks before my wife and kids came out. we were supposed to live together until we got on our feet. We still haven't told the kids what was going on. During that time she met someone and had sex with him. When she moved out with the kids she told me about the affair, that was Nov. 27th.

   I did everything wrong after that I called her horrible names , begged, pleaded and cried and had no self respect. I broke a chair in the house during our argument and basically acted like a child. Then three days after she told me about the affair she flew back out to see him. That's when another fight ensued as I have been treated like dog Sh1te stuck on the bottom of her shoe.

 I have been N/C accept for anything about the kids which we text about. Other than that I don't see or hear from her at all.  I have celebrated X-mas , Easter and my daughters B-day without her. All of things I have mentioned are way out of character for her. I do miss and love her but I understand there isn't anything I can do for her. I do wonder of this was an exit affair as I have decided to stand. But don't want to throw my life away either.
 

Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2019, 01:24:50 PM »
Well from this and what you wrote on the other thread... I don't think it is an exit affair.

I am not an expert but, you sensed things were off for ages...she had already told you things weren't working out and there was a disconnect. My money is she was already having this affair even if it was just emotional. She then decided to have her tubes tied because she already has 5 kids and doesn't want to get knocked up if she is sleeping around. She wouldn't have needed to tie her tubes if she was staying with you since you have had a vasectomy..unless she KNEW she would be having sex with someone who might NOT be.

And the whole ''I want a divorce'' followed by NOT signing the papers screams MLCer to me.

If it was an exit affair, she would have signed straight away.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2019, 02:13:19 PM »
Hello and welcome, Father5.

From what you wrote, it seems more MLC than an exit affair.

Morte pointed to relevant points:

She wouldn't have needed to tie her tubes if she was staying with you since you have had a vasectomy..unless she KNEW she would be having sex with someone who might NOT be.

She didn't consult you before hand about tie her tubes, which would have be a normal thing to do. You have a vasectomy, so, like Mort says, if she was going to stay with you, she does not need her tubes tied.

And the whole ''I want a divorce'' followed by NOT signing the papers screams MLCer to me.

If it was an exit affair, she would have signed straight away.

This is, I think, even more telling. A person having an exit affair would sign the pappers right away. MLCers tend to say they want a divorce, then don't sign the papers and just drag things.

You are already NC aside from kids related things and wife has left. Keep focusing on yourself and kids is all you can do.

Beg, plead and cry isn't great, but many of us done it early on. You have learned not to keep doing. As for the fights and breaking a chair. Not good, but it happened. What is done is done and you know it was wrong. Don't keep beating yourself about it, rather, work on bettering yourself.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online sachat3

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2019, 02:41:47 PM »
Welcome. Your BD is only a few months after mine so I can’t ofger much in a way of help really because it’s relatively new to me. However I don’t think it’s exit affair either.

Hugs
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online megogirl

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2019, 05:56:14 PM »
No way it's an exit affair....it's a full-blown MLC (her cycling emotions confirm that!)
« Last Edit: April 25, 2019, 06:24:26 PM by megogirl »

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2019, 03:53:18 AM »
F5, sorry that your here mate.
Seems like MLC to me but it doesnt really matter as such. What your Feeling is the same either way. You have to look out for Nr1 now (thats you btw), your W is off in lalaland and there is nothing that you can do to Change that.
WE ALL made lots of mistakes, we are humans, thats what we do best. We just have to learn from them and from others mistakes too by reading other threads.
I made another massive mistake just 2 days ago after being "fine" for a Long time. OK, it WAS a really $h!tety Situation and it involved one of my children but still, I should have known better.

Im just saying, dont beat yourself up about mistakes, they happen and most probably make no difference to the Outcome whatsoever.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2019, 04:01:22 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2019, 05:28:53 AM »
Welcome to the party to which NO ONE EVER wanted an invitation....

Based on what you have written so far, I would side with an MLC as well... However, I agree with Morte that the affair was already in progress long before you moved to the Mainland... Sorry to be so blunt but the disconnect, the whole "Things need to change" etc., reeks of something already in place... She wasn't going to jump ship until she had someplace to go....

Read the articles that Old Pilot refers to in his signature and opening note. They will give you a wealth of info ...

Question : Are your kids with you now? If not, you might need to be VERY watchful because MLCérs are not exactly praised for their ability to be responsible...

Second question is whether or not you have made any moves to financially protect/separate yourself from your Mid-Lifer.... There is less water going over Niagara Falls and at a slower rate than a Mid-Lifer burning through cash....  Make suure you are isolated from any nonsense that may occur and make sure that your kids are protected as well...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2019, 06:01:22 AM »
Actually I think another sign of MLCness is that YOU started to question your own sanity...

It becomes clearer with time tbh. Either way right now, you are where you are and all you can do is protect yourself, be a decent parent and focus on your own path forward the best you can. I found that, over time, what made it obviously not a 'normal' situation was that my h's behaviour got more loopy and extreme as time went by even though I was not standing in the way of his divorce and had very little contact with him. It became obvious that it was simply impossible to have a calm rational conversation with him about anything at all....and it wasn't my crazy so logically he was 'off' in some way.

Agree wiih all the sensible advice here about priorities. I'm glad that you have some family support.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2019, 07:36:22 AM »
  Thank you all for your replies!

  I have the kids 50% of the time. At first she seemed like she wanted tot totally check out from being a parent. But she has seemed to come around more the last few months, helping out at school etc. I did have a scare a few months back about her taking the kids back to the islands as we aren't state citizens unit May 8th. But that has subsided for now but I do have a few weeks to go. She did have a serious conversation with my kids about this.

  All of our finances are protected, we are totally separate on this already which is good. She has already been on about 6 trips already since moving here in Nov. I am not sure where she is getting the money !
 
  I have really started to get on with my life I play a lot of tennis, surf and do yoga. I also play on a softball team which has been great for making friends. I spend most of my time with the kids on my days. The kids seem to be handling it okay. They don't talk about it to much or ask any questions. I just make sure they know they are loved and that I am a safe place to talk. I never talk about their mother in a negative light to them. I really never bring her up to them at all.

  I have noticed that I am feeling much stronger as of late. I went a few weeks with feeling just amazing and really felt like I was getting back to my old self. Then this last week I felt a cycle of anger. I prayed and meditated on it and I seem to be getting past it now. I cycled 24/7 in the beginning then a few days a week then a few hours etc etc. This last cycle was different. I went weeks with feeling almost as good as I have ever felt in a long time. Then my cycle also lasted about a week and was a little more intense. But i'm happy with my good days as they are seeming really good !
 

  Thank you all again for the advice ! keep it coming !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2019, 08:03:45 AM »
Hi FO5, sorry for your situation it’s a long haul for sure. Do you think she’s peri menopausal and her hormones might be influencing her behaviours.

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2019, 08:28:36 AM »
   HI Jack,

She's only 44 so unlikely but possible I guess.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2019, 11:32:33 PM »
Hi F5, that’s the age when my Mlcer first started to act up, she finally blew her gasket at 49. The peri menopause can last for many years and can totally change a persons outlook on life. It might be a good idea to do a bit of research in this area to get an understanding of how destructive the peri menopause can be.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2019, 12:59:10 AM »
   HI Jack,

She's only 44 so unlikely but possible I guess.

Uhhhhhhhh...... Not even unlikely in today's environment.....

STBXW started with perimenopausal symptoms at age 43, 2 years after D8 was born..... Something to consider but, there is STILL nothing that you can do if she won't seek medical help or ask about the possibility...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2019, 07:58:43 AM »
Hi Everyone,

I am wondering about what to do for Mother's day next week. Do I get a gift from the kids do I give her a life without me in it ? What should I do
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #15 on: May 06, 2019, 10:32:51 AM »
Just noticed your story, F5. So sorry you're here.

My W was 43 at bomb drop 3 years ago, and 44 is not that early at all. I agree with those that say it doesn't sound like your W had an exit affair. Sounds like MLC or something related to me. But I don't know if we'll really know what happened until we can look back on it in the distant future.

Sorry, but you may been in for a long haul if your marriage survives this intact. So buckle up and take care of yourself.

Congrats on working on your own life. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of the right things. Don't beat yourself up over anything you did wrong early on. You suffered a horrible trauma. Treat yourself like you would treat a buddy who got run over by a truck. Because you were run over by a truck. Nobody is prepared for what you went though. You couldn't be.

As for Mother's Day. I assume your kids still need help buying their Mom gifts and such. I would treat it like Mother's Days in the past. As for your gift, I would recommend something nice but not too romantic or sentimental.  Anything romantic might feel like pressure to her. Even though she's a mess, she's still the mother of your kids, so I think you have to acknowledge that. Just my 2 cents. Others may have better ideas.

Again, sorry you're here but I'm glad you found us. Take care of yourself and your kids. My situation got better when I quit worrying so much about whether the marriage would survive and started thinking more about how I would survive my marriage.

Be good to yourself.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2019, 11:08:55 AM »
  Thank you PJ,

That helps a lot. I get it I do I just know at the moment she has asked for a life without me in it. So I wonder sometimes if I am doing the right things.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2019, 11:58:50 AM »
Is that what YOU want? Is that what's best for the kids?

I can't answer that for you, but keep in mind that she's obviously not in her right mind right now. She will cycle like crazy.

I would also refer you to this from OldPilot's introduction letter.
Quote
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #18 on: May 06, 2019, 01:16:04 PM »
Ultimately it's whats bets for the kids.

They are concern and my focus right now.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2019, 01:42:31 PM »
For what it's worth:  I would only get her something from the kids. 

I took D8 to Target the other day, kept a budget of $50.00, and asked her what she wanted to get Mommy for Mother's Day.  A blouse, a candle, a card, a mug and her favorite candy.  Done.  Nothing from me.

After BD, I continued to ply her with gifts on the requisite occasions.  They were rarely acknowledged.  It was dismissive and some MLC vets might say that it was actually something she would feel pressure from.  This year:  nothing from me for Christmas.  No mention of our anniversary.  Nothing from me for Mother's Day.  Nothing for her birthday.  Anything that would normally have gifts exchanged by D8 I honor by setting a budget and letting her choose.

That's just my 2 cents.  Your mileage may vary.



 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online sachat3

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #20 on: May 08, 2019, 02:10:27 AM »
For me personally
I do gifts from the kids and it’s usually a sentimental gift. So this year for Father’s Day I’ll be getting him hand made cards from D7 D5 and I’ll buy D2 one. Then his “gift” is a picture of all three of them in matching outfits (it’s a lovely pic) and I’m going to frame it or get it put on a phone case for him or something like that. 
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2019, 08:46:24 AM »
HI everyone,

   It's been a while since I have written. I haven't had much of anything going on in MLC land. I had my first face to face with my wife at my SD graduation and I did great. Much better than I thought I would for sure. It did send me spinning for a few days but ultimately I pulled it off with a genuine smile on my face.

  I have had a lot of contact with the step kids over the last few days. They all seem to realize there mom has a problem internally. I try not to talk about it with them but it does get brought up briefly about being friends.

  My response was I can't be friends until she realizes what she did was not okay. I feel that if I am friends that it sends the wrong signal. Ultimately I do miss my friend, she was my best friend.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #22 on: June 22, 2019, 11:08:56 PM »
I get what you mean about missing your friend, that's been the hardest part for me to accept.  It does sound like you've done a great job at making a life for yourself.  You're out there meeting new people and staying busy.  Most importantly, your kids are your priority.  That is what really matters.  Keep taking care of yourself!  Sadly, this does seem to be a very long journey for all of us so just keep doing what you are doing!!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #23 on: July 10, 2019, 06:57:48 AM »
     HI everyone,

  I wanted to hear your advice. My IC finally let me talk about what I think is going on with my wife. I am convinced it's an MLC but my I/C seemed to think she should get her hormones checked. Should I bring the subject up ? Should I have someone else ?
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline believe

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #24 on: July 12, 2019, 03:34:31 AM »
Hi Father5, That would likely not go down well. Be seen as trying to "fix" her.

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #25 on: July 12, 2019, 09:13:38 AM »
Yes I agree that's the thought I was leaning towards ! It's her circus her monkeys.
She did send me a text yesterday for the first time with her and the kids at the park.
This is the only nice text we have had that wasn't about kids or finances. When I say kids I mean the business side of the kids.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #26 on: July 12, 2019, 10:08:44 AM »
 I’m not sure what country you are in, but where I live any debt she gets into is your responsibility as well in a divorce.  So if you have not done so already, I recommend some sort of separation agreement saying you are each responsible for your own debt, and which debt is shared etc.  Once we signed ours I had so much more peace about h spending, if he is.  In your case it seems like hormones could also play a part with w.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #27 on: September 11, 2019, 09:05:58 AM »
 HI Everyone,

That I would journal a bit.

  My W has reached out to my Uncle who lives with my parents about seeing our dog before she passes. My dog is really old an my mom took her when we moved off the mainland.

 My mom called me to ask what my thoughts where and I told her it's her decision. My mom was a little offended that she didn't ask about her Cancer treatments and how they are going. But I have tried to explain MLC to her but she doesn't understand.

  My W hasn't responded  and I doubt she will. As this will be to much pressure for her to deal with. We don't talk ever only about the kids so we almost have no communication for the last year.

  I am healing and GAL really well. I still play tennis a few days a week surf and do some yoga. I am seeing an IC about dealing with the shame I feel and past issues. Over all I feel pretty good and starting to see that I am going to be okay one way or another.

  Thank you all for being here I don't know what I would have done without you.

God Bless you all !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2019, 07:28:11 AM »
Well I got served yesterday. I am doing okay
I guess I expected it but it still shocking. My wife independently wealthy yet she asked for almost all of what I have. Even if I only give half of what she is asking for I will be so financially devastated that I'll have to file bankruptcy. This is a mess the woman I knew and loved would hw e never done something like this to anyone let alone the person she loved the most and the father of her children. I am crushed
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #29 on: September 12, 2019, 07:46:00 AM »
Oh no. So sorry F5. So, so, sorry.

My wife filed last week, so I know how crushing it is. Even if you're OK and in your rational mind, it's still unsettling.

It sounds to me like you need to put on your business hat for a while. Not just for yourself and your own future, for the sake of the kids. They need a parent who can take care of them emotionally and financially.

You will make it through the day, and tomorrow. You're going to be OK.

Take care of yourself.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #30 on: September 12, 2019, 07:54:53 AM »
I am so sorry Father!  They truly only care about themselves during MLC and unfortunately we seem to be the collateral damage.  Disconnect your feelings, this is now business.  Fight for your future finances. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #31 on: September 13, 2019, 04:47:52 AM »
I'm sorry to hear about being served Father5.

As the others have noted, she may have asked for the moon but there is NO reason for her to get it or even half of it... It is time to channel Michael Coorleone and just get da business taken care of.  Because that is ALL it is now... Business...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #32 on: October 29, 2019, 03:59:23 PM »
Hi Everyone,

   I don't usually post on my thread as there hasn't been much to talk about with STBXW. We both showed up for our kids teacher conferences today. Somehow we ended up waiting in 10x10 room alone for rwnety to thirty minutes.

  My wife doesn't monster. She is wanting to be friends since this all started. I am positive she is in MLC though. We chatted and she was like nothing was wrong. It was all about the kids as that's all we have a connection with at this point. But it was a positive step. One of the teachers actually complemented us on our kids behavior especially going through a divorce and all. She credited both of us. It didn't get weird until we left and she gave me a high five lol. Saying we raise great kids.

  I read Finding Joys post last week about being friends. It resonates with me because I have three Step kids that I will miss every XMas with. I feel like I can do it as long as there isn't OM. I am not sure if they are together anymore. I am willing to try anything to keep my family together  I don't ever want to have the would of should of  could of thought. 

  I did feel empowered by being so pleasant. I also felt that I finally gave the door is open-paving he way vibe. That she can talk to me without me taking her head off.

  I will continue to mirror her actions going forward. If comes in I will allow if she pulls away so will I. If I find out about OM2 I will go back to the way things where before.

Please give me some feed back. I am feeling good with myself about today's interaction. We haven't had that kind of talk in over a year now.

 
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #33 on: October 29, 2019, 08:01:21 PM »
Slow and steady Father..... it good for her to see you're dealing well, and no monster...... ever? Wow, that boggles the mind.

You're making good progress, keep it up!!!!

Yes, they want to be friends first..... well, that type of trust anyway. Gotta pave the way so she knows it's safe to come home.

A high five? That made me laugh. They're so weird aren't they?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2019, 09:05:44 PM »
Thanks SS ,

The high five had me going huh?  Yes I have never had monster well maybe once but that was our fight I gave as good as I got.

I am not sure about the friend thing. I don't want to send he message that what she is doing is okay. But I am willing to try anything what I am doing now isnt working.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #35 on: October 30, 2019, 05:59:37 AM »
Hey Father,

Well I don't mean "we're friends and all is well", no no no, not that.

Just civil, and a listener. Kind.
Trust starts with talking from her and listening from you. She has to be comfortable to tell you things and the truth (without being clobbered over the head in return).

Does she appear to be processing yet? Or she's still oblivious?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #36 on: October 30, 2019, 01:05:55 PM »
  She is oblivious !

   She hasn't made any movement that I can see. Then again I don't see her all that often. I have been as no contact I possibly can for the last year just trying to heal and wrap my head around this. I didn't handle the affair very well.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #37 on: October 30, 2019, 01:37:55 PM »
Ah, totally in the tunnel and no light yet.

Sorry man, really am.... but you have the gift of time now.

Time to zoom ahead, let her see a colorful blur as it races by.

"Who was that masked man?" says W...... "wait a min...... F5?!?!?!!? OMG.... wait for me!!!!".

Press on!!!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #38 on: October 30, 2019, 02:44:17 PM »
Father it truly is hard.  Even if they don’t come back, us having a friendly workable relationship is best with kids.  Just so unfair though...

I guess none of this is fair.  Great job handling the conference.  It sounds like your kids are doing great!  I agree with what you put on the other post, if my h divorces me, I’m not waiting forever on a maybe.  Long enough to heal and then I will move on unless I feel I should wait for the kids sake.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #39 on: October 31, 2019, 10:24:21 AM »
My XW wants to be friends too. All you can do is to decide what's best for you and remember that YOU CAN'T FIX HER. You may not even be able to help her.

Just do what's best for you and your kids.

My kids are grown, live with me and have their own cars so I don't have to worry about custody issues, etc... I maintain friendly relations with my X because it doesn't bother me, we do still need to talk about a few things, and because I want to leave the door open in case she finds her way out of her fog before I'm taken by someone else.

But that's just what I do. Your mileage may vary.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #40 on: October 31, 2019, 11:35:56 AM »
     Thanks everyone,

  Today I am reminded of just how low she has gone. I was told over the phone by my bank the wrong dates on some funding. So I thought she wouldnt be able to come after it. It wasn't much but to me it's all I have. All of my years of hard work and 125 hr work weeks etc.

 So now I find out she is able to and even if we split it would devistate me finacially. She will never have to worry about money again. All of this is just being done out of spite I guess , I am not sure. This is another red line for me. This one will wrap it up for friendship or any holidays with the kids together.

  I am using this as a teachable moment. When I thought she couldn't touch it I was thinking of being friends. I forget what she is doing or trying to do sometimes. that this will all be fixed when she wakes up. She Firetucking high fived me the other day about the kids. I really don't know how much more I can take. I just want this done and her out of my life. I don't even think I want to deal with her about the kids anymore. This will financially ruin me!

 Sorry I am spinning at the moment I just needed to vent !!! I am pissed !



 
« Last Edit: October 31, 2019, 11:56:57 AM by Father5 »
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #41 on: October 31, 2019, 11:58:52 AM »
Father, I am so sorry.  They can be so incredibly cruel and of course selfish.  No true friendship can take place anyways until they are worthy. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #42 on: October 31, 2019, 12:07:55 PM »
I'm sorry too F5,

That's really rough (and I know what that feels like). You're going to get thru it, you're going to be ok.

Hang in there man,

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online sachat3

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #43 on: November 01, 2019, 07:25:32 AM »
What a awful thing to do! So sorry it’s become this for you but you will get through this.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #44 on: November 12, 2019, 06:48:11 PM »
    Hi Everyone,


  I did something different today. I am trying to pave the way.

     My son stayed with me today as he was sick and didn't want to go to school.
Later this evenning my wife came to pick him up but he wasn't done eating so I invited her in. We talked for fifteen minutes or so. Mostly about family and pets etc. But I was different I was strong, I was confident. I showed her my place it was clean and was in good shape.

  I for the first time showed her she could talk to me if and when she needed. I am not going to take her head off. I am trying to be the light house. I am trying something new, the old way wasn't working.

  She seemed normal she wasn't being weird or anything like I have read on here which kinda threw me. I didn't know what to expect but I did great I am glad I left teh door open !

 
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #45 on: November 13, 2019, 12:47:50 AM »
You showed her the door was open. It is now up to her whether or not she wants/chooses to walk through it..

NO expectations!

Just keep on doing your thing and living your best life.
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #46 on: November 13, 2019, 03:12:43 AM »
I understand that you are trying to Keep the door open but she is trying to financialy ruin you when she doesnt even Need that Money.
You being nice to her is cool, its OK but dont let her think that you are OK with her going after your Money. It is not OK and you are letting her think that it is and that she is doing Nothing wrong.!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #47 on: November 13, 2019, 05:33:53 AM »
     Yes you are correct Whyus,


    That was my fear. That I am sending the wrong message. I figured I would do what UM said and go back to the short but polite replies. I have not forgotten nor plan on not fighting for my future. I have read over and over that we can't keep letting them feel the guilt and shame when they see us. That we need to pave the way, that was all I am trying to do. Something had to change, I have to say that I tried everything for my family.

   I am doing anything I can for my kids and family. Last night was very hard for me.
I would say that making her wait outside would have been the easy way. I am trying to show strength !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #48 on: November 13, 2019, 07:02:14 AM »
You are showing strength F5 and doing all that you can. That takes character and guts to say the least.
One Thing to remember though, we cannot nice them back. It just doesnt work that way unfortunately, believe me, I tried and failed miserably ;)
My XW wants to be Friends too, I say hello and thats it. We dont speak often but when we do she is all "bla bla bla… " she wont shut that lying hole of hers for a second and im like "ok, ah, oo, ok, bye". Thats it...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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The Root of suffering is attachmet
« Reply #49 on: November 13, 2019, 10:19:02 AM »
       Thank you Whyus and UM !

I have to change the title of my thread as I no longer believe it was an exit affair. Thank you for everyone following along and helping me through all of this. For that I am eternally grateful.


Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #50 on: December 16, 2019, 08:13:31 PM »
     So my anniversary came and went without any fan fair. My wife's Bday is Ina few days I got something from the kids as she did for me. We haven't  talked at all since last month. Really nothing new to report it's like it is back to the way it was for the last year. Always thanks for the help !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #51 on: December 16, 2019, 09:01:10 PM »
I'm sorry she is still so checked out Father......

So brutal.

Praying that she wakes up and gets it together.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online marvin4242

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #52 on: December 17, 2019, 12:02:33 AM »
Father, these are major milestones in this process. How are you feeling? Did these anniversaries bring up anything or are you doing ok?

Online sachat3

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #53 on: December 17, 2019, 12:20:03 AM »
I’m not the most knowledgeable on this. I’m only two years in and tbf my MLCer is fairly nice and around a lot. But the coming and going you described does seem very consistent with a few others threads. It may feel like it. But your not alone.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #54 on: December 17, 2019, 05:09:41 AM »
Thank you for checking in on me. I have been doing ok. Mainly because I ha e no expectations. I do still have hope and love in my lifeheart for her. My line in the Sand is the finalized divorce but she hasn't advanced that as she is more than 30 days late with her response.

 I am full on GAL now I have regular activities and new friends. I still feel weird not sharing it with someone.

 Thank you all for your help and support
 
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #55 on: December 17, 2019, 07:28:12 AM »
I just read through your whole thread for the first time. To be honest I see nothing that you have written by you that screams mlc to me. I see a marriage that was over long before bd due to your work schedule that would have prevented you from being a husband to her let alone a parent. 90-125 hours a week working?? How do you even find time to sleep? It sounds like you have made positive changes but her ship had already sailed and it may be too late. It may seem punitive to take half your assets but I can understand why. It was your obsession with earning that money that kept  you away from her. She may want to send a message about how that affected her.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2019, 07:29:24 AM by Not Your Monkey »

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #56 on: December 17, 2019, 04:25:34 PM »
Hi NYM,

To be honest I don't post much here. My thread on HB is more of a reflection of my marriage and self. My 90/125 hour work week was unplannwd. I lost my business here and made a big move to an island. For two and a half years I worked like a dog but I always told her if we needed a change I would do whatever as she and the kids came first. We were up to our eyeballs in debt. I own not holding up my father duties for those two years. Right before we moved her father passed and this is when I see this really change in her. If you'd like to read my thread on HB PM me and I'll let you go over it. I would greatly value your input.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Online marvin4242

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #57 on: December 18, 2019, 12:49:28 AM »
NYM: you make a lot of unproductive assumptions here. How do you know he was “obsessed” with making money instead of needing to support his family? How do you know she didn’t demand that he make money? We do not know what is going on in most people interactions, it can be damaging and very hurtful to just make assumption and lecture people.

Also why wasn’t it her responsibility to state her needs? Father did you wife ever say “hey cut back your hours, we can do with a lot less?” and you simply ignored her?

I just can’t get over it, what a cruel thing to say to someone you don’t know. I am sorry but this is beyond the pale.

I think we should all be very careful and don’t assume we know where people are emotionally at a time when we post. And this is doubly as critical in times like this, with holidays coming a lot of us have had a very hard time. Some here have even shared they have had moments of deep despair and maybe even been close to the edge, I hate to think what kind of harm a careless post may cause.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2019, 12:59:55 AM by marvin4242 »

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #58 on: December 18, 2019, 01:00:49 AM »
I agree. He explained that he lost his business and that the large numbers of hours of work was unplanned to get them out of debt and on their feet financially.

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #59 on: December 18, 2019, 03:05:27 AM »
I agree
Father, your response to NYM was very mature and calm, congratulations. Not easy if people are judging us on assumptions that may not be true or the whole story. You know the reality of how things are right now and tbh that is all you can work with. Time and events will show you more about likely causes and effects. Meanwhile, that changes nothing but you doing the best you can with what's available. I hope that you and your kids get to spend some drama-free time together over Christmas.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #60 on: December 18, 2019, 03:43:25 AM »
Father 5
You did what any good husband and dad would do . You busted your @$$ to take care of your family.
You don't have to explain why you did it.
I know how it is to work 80 to 100 hrs a week.
$h!t happens in life. Just part of it.


Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #61 on: December 18, 2019, 10:10:40 AM »
Hi NYM,

To be honest I don't post much here. My thread on HB is more of a reflection of my marriage and self. My 90/125 hour work week was unplannwd. I lost my business here and made a big move to an island. For two and a half years I worked like a dog but I always told her if we needed a change I would do whatever as she and the kids came first. We were up to our eyeballs in debt. I own not holding up my father duties for those two years. Right before we moved her father passed and this is when I see this really change in her. If you'd like to read my thread on HB PM me and I'll let you go over it. I would greatly value your input.

STOP...REWIND...NYM. I gotta backup Father here. You have no idea how expensive cost of living is where he was. I'm still living on island. The cost of living is absurd. Gas, housing, and food is ridiculous. Everyone here has to work at least 2 jobs to even break even. And even then most of us have a strong family support network to help each other out. From what I remember, Father wasn't a local here from the islands so imagine being without that safety net. So he put in the extra work to make up for that. Unfortunately it did take a toll on his marriage, but it does not negate that his W is going thru a crisis. We cant' judge MLC or WAW or whatever from the other side of our computer screens. If you have questions about Father's situation, just ask. But we should not assume to know anything about anyone's situation. Because at the end of the day unless we are walking in someone else's shoes we shouldn't judge anyone's situation.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2019, 10:14:29 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 35
H: 37
S18; D12; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #62 on: January 14, 2020, 02:49:47 PM »
    So a few weeks ago she was reaching out everyday. Always about the kids but little stuff here or there. Now I have complete radio silence for the last week and a half. I mean nothing like she has become a vanisher!

 I got the kids a dog today so that'll be fun when they see her on Friday ! She is am English Bulldog I got from the dog pound. 2 yrs old and full of spunk ! She is going to be a great addition to the family.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 02:53:51 PM by Father5 »
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Online marvin4242

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #63 on: January 14, 2020, 02:57:08 PM »
Father: so great that you are living you life in small and big ways, for you and the kids. What a great addition.

As for Vanisher, keep in mind, they cycle. Fast or slow. Right now you are in “fast” cycle, I can stay from my experience that my wife went from cycles of days to now cycle of weeks and at some points even months. Yup it takes all kind of loops in the roller coaster I guess!

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #64 on: January 14, 2020, 03:10:30 PM »
So exciting about the dog!  It is tough when they cycle towards you and then away.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline CheerHeart

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #65 on: January 15, 2020, 05:51:01 AM »
What are you going to call your new fur baby?
The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. - Bill Murray

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #66 on: January 15, 2020, 01:22:43 PM »
Hi Cheer,

   I am thinking Gertrude but I have to check with my daughter. I am excited about the dog and can't wait to surprise the kids !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Father5Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
« Reply #67 on: January 21, 2020, 11:32:03 AM »
HI All,

   We have named my new dog "Soda Pop" the kids won out ! She is a real love. I had some minor contact with my wife over the weekend. She came to the door and met the dog when dropping off the kids. She says she would like to go to my moms house to see our other dog that my mom took in when we moved to the islands. She said she didn't want to make my mom feel uncomfortable. I just said she isn't going to be uncomfortable and that was it I didn't add anything else. We had a long conversation about a few personal things of hers. I just listened and was polite.

  I really feel like I am starting to detach a lot more. I didn't spin or react, I kept my cool and didn't try and fix her problem with my mom.

   It will be interesting to see if she actually reaches out to my mom. She tried to do it through someone else but my mom said NO and "If you want to see the dog I will make arrangements just let me know your plans". My wife never texted her back.

  I had a nice get together on Saturday with some old and new friends. I did great at hosting if I do say so myself. Lots of food and drinks and everyone seemed to have a really good time. It was a first for me to do something like this on my own.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2020, 11:34:12 AM by Father5 »
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

 

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