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Author Topic: My Story Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair

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My Story Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#120: June 30, 2020, 09:40:48 AM
HI Guys,

    Just Jounaling a bit. My wife has reached out to me several times in the last few weeks about certain things for the kids. Nothing major just about camps etc and what they can do during summer. I have only kept short and to the point. Always polite but if I can give a one word response I do.

  I have noticed a few things as of late. She is terrified to step foot in my house when she gets the kids. I am never home when she does but I have cameras. She used to come inside and get them ready or whatever. The last few months she wouldn't even come inside to wake them up.

  As a tried and true MLC'er she hasn't filed any of the paperwork she was supposed too in response to mine. She has failed to mention to me that she is moving to a new house with the OM. It's a 30 min drive from where we are now. Dropping the kids off at school is going to be a trek everyday but that is her problem. I conitinue to stay with as little contact as possible for my own piece of mind.

  As for me ! I am tired of being on lockdown and I am missing tennis in a big way. I have started to run again to stay in shape and clear my head but I miss the social aspect of tennis. Thank God they are letting us surf ! It has been my true zen as of late. Other than feeling like I am stuck at times I feel pretty good. I am still stressed about bills and whats going to happen but I am learning to take one day at a time as I can only do so much.

 Thank you all for your love and support.
God Bless !
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#121: July 07, 2020, 09:55:11 AM
    Hi everyone,

    I wanted to give an update to how I am feeling. I received a call from my attorney today that they got a strange voicemail from opposing counsel. It upset my attorney that they are stalling. She calle dme and it put me on the spot. Do I move forward and set a court date ? Do I continue to wait ? It has twisted me up in knots inside. Am I really ready to let go ? I do want all of this behind me and to move forward. I am just not ready to make the leap. I want her to own this through an through.

  It has brought up all of these feelings for me. My sons birthday is in a few days and he will be 11. My two year BD  anniversary is coming up also. I am not a puddle of tears but I am close. I don't know what to do so I told my attorney to call me on Monday and let me think about how I want to move forward. I wish I was feeling a bit stronger at the moment I guess I'll take that I am not a puddle of tears as a small victory. I am really missing my wife and family and the life that used to be.

 Thank you all God Bless

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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#122: July 07, 2020, 10:11:46 AM
Father I am so sorry to hear you are in a down place right now, but it is sadly part of the process. So first take care of yourself.

Second I suggest make no decision while you are in this place. Just let it process and pass. We all have these throwbacks, sorrow, what we are missing, what we had. And its not a weakness, you are a feeling caring human being, present and alive. It has ups and downs. Strength is in what and how you are handling it. You are pretty darn strong.

Third I would suggest the following: have a talk with your lawyer. Explain to him/her that you are in an unusual situation, that things will not flow smoothly or at all. They have to be on board and on YOUR side, regardless of the circumstances. I made sure my lawyer UNDERSTOOD that this may not be fast, and definitely will not linear. Took a couple of conversations, but now she knows. I am approaching year 2 of the "divorce" and not much has happened. I check in with her occasionally as needed, but she is not upset by it. The lawyer is your advocate, and they should be only acting in your direction and interest.

A rule I use is if I am not sure of something I am not ready. You will know when you are ready to move on. You won't be a 100% but you will be pretty sure. Are you there? Keep in mind as long as 2 years really is and how hard it has been it is really not that long in this process, even for you. It takes time to heal, whether you move on or not you need time to heal.
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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#123: July 23, 2020, 02:09:39 PM
     HI Everyone,

      I recieved a weird email today. Maybe not so weird but it has me Monkey Braining and compared to some that I have read on this forum its on the low end LOL.

  My wife emailed about her upcoming move into a new house, It's almost 30 minutes away. The school district the
 kids are in is one of the best in the country and we live in a small condo and share a room just so they can go to these schools. She is trying to change the kids schedule again for the millionth time. We had just been negotiating our terms on the divorce about all of these matters a few weeks ago. Her response was due and blam! nothing. She wrote this like the whole divorce has been put on hold. Why not just go through the process and finish it ???? This is all about her travel time which is nothing new. She frames it as we wouldn't have to alternate the kids schedules to do this. I have been more than acomodating on the schedule and travel.

  What is new is that she offered to help with the kids in my house on my days as our youngest needs more attention in the studying department. This is where the monkey braining has started ! She hasn't offered anything like this, this is totally new and different behavior.

   She also said that she " I have thought about this move a great deal, in terms of emotional and financial aspects, have discussed it with the kids on many occasions, and it is clear we are all on the same page and excited about it. " They are excited but they are young and don't understand that they are going to be 30 min each direction away from school and from my home. That and she said they can get "chickens" which of course makes a 9 year old girl excited. The mere fact that she is having emotions is something new also. I am monkey braining because I wonder if I should let her into the house to bring her close ?? She is moving with the OM as they live together so I don't think I could do that anyway but I have to make some changes to say I tried everything. I don't think I  could handle the chance at anymore  emotional damage.

  I am trying so hard to let go. I have gone as dark or dim as I possibly can with kids. These interactions are really hard for me and I get upset with myself for monkey braining, I almost become paralyzed. Anyway please give me your thoughts I know I am not the best writer or really good at articulating my thoughts and feelings. Thank you if you made it this far !

    God Bless !!

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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#124: July 23, 2020, 02:21:13 PM
Hey Father!  That is tough!  Only you know what you are willing to to do.  I personally wouldn’t want my ex in the home if he was in another relationship, but others allow it.  It would hurt me too much.

She is going all in with OM, so personally I would want major boundaries.  Of course everyone has their own comfort level.
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#125: July 24, 2020, 09:31:22 AM
    Thanks for the response FJ !

I agree that as long as she is in a realationship with OM she shouldn't come into my house. I only spun for an hour or so yesterday so thats improvement I think. I am feeling much better today. I still haven't responded I will figure somethings out and when I do and I am calm I will do so.
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#126: July 26, 2020, 12:18:31 PM
Quote
  I am trying so hard to let go. I have gone as dark or dim as I possibly can with kids. These interactions are really hard for me and I get upset with myself for monkey braining,

Hi Father,

I do not recall ever in my life, not being able to figure out, come to some conclusion, understand a situation or have some impact on the outcome in any other time in my life. We monkey brain because we cannot figure out what the heck they are "thinking"......and when they show us some emotion or interact with us, we think, that as was in the past or with other relationships we have had in life, that this "means" something..and then nothing comes of it and we are doubly confused.

It is exhausting. It is painful and we can go round and round in circles trying to figure it out.

The fact that you can recognize when you are spinning and when you are not is great..and you are allowed to spin.

I too don't want anything to do with a man who has another women in his life...that just doesn't work for me. Because you have children, you need to continue to have interaction with her, and that is really hard. It requires you to put to the side your own emotions and feelings but you also need to have  a place to let these out as well.

I am really glad that you can write about how this is affecting you and can question what kind of impact this has on your children and your own health and welfare.

Of course a 9 year old would be excited about having chickens...isn't that true though about their crisis....the MLCer has no idea of the big picture at all...but thinks that all will be well if they just get some chickens...the "kids will be fine" so they said.

With all the other issues regarding return to school and COVID, you have a great deal on your plate. Take care of yourself!

God bless you and grant you peace.
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« Last Edit: July 26, 2020, 12:19:46 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#127: August 19, 2020, 08:42:14 PM
Hi All,

  I wanted to journal a bit and tell you all about one of the most humiliating days I had today. First I am one week from my 2 yr anniverssary of BD. I wish I could say I was doing so much better but that doesn't seem to be the case. I do feel in the end I will have learned to be on my own and not be so co dependant. Right now I am coming off of the worst few weeks from a proffesional stand point than any I have ever faced. I hvae made a pretty major error evry single day for two weks straight. Everyday I go into my office I say that I just need to lay low and stay off of the radar for the next few months, then Blahm! Another mistake. Today's was a doozy ! I cost us 1000s of dollars. My partners that had always had my back are beggining to distance themselves. The more nervouse I get the more I second guess myself etc etc.

  To top the rest of my week off, when I came to pick up the kids my car died. Blocking the entrance to her driveway. Right in front of the OM's multi million dollar home. My wife drove the kids and I to work  (they are distance learning) so they are in the office with me all day. I was so embarresed and felt humilliated. I kept my composure with her and seemed up beat and made small talk. She seems happy and that for me was the hardest part. She wants so much to be friends but I can't get over what she has done.

  I feel like I am close I have moments where I think that my behavior has to end. That I have to accept that she is gone and never coming back and she has chose someone else. Thjat by having separate birthdays and X-mas for the kids is only hurting me as I am the one that is missing time with some of the people  I love.

     I don't want to give up ! It is early in the proccess but I feel that if I am understanding and friends with her and OM that I am saying it's ok to have done what you have done. I am tired of feeling depressed and extremely stressed all the time. I have always told myself I would see this through until the ink was dry on the divorce and I guess that is what I am going to do.

Still waiting on that big Bus of Karma to come along anytime now.

God Bless you all
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#128: August 20, 2020, 12:09:33 AM
I am sorry that you have had what would have been a crappy week even in normal circs.
Small things can feel huge when we are already struggling can't they? We get it, Father, and I bet most of us have been there. A broken car or lost wallet or leaking washing machine feels like the universe hates us and it will never end. And it underlines how alone and vulnerable we feel. (I think I remember having a meltdown over breaking a vase once....and a flat battery)

The gift (yuk!) of these moments is that it does serve as a wake up call that, regardless of what is happening with our spouse etc, we need to detach more so we can look after ourselves better. That we are using energy we need for other things perhaps. Only you can work out how much or little 'friendliness' or shared family time you can swallow without it sticking in your throat....and how much of it is (normal) denial or fakery or false hope on your part. Most of us here would say from experience that there is an inverse relationship between detachment and contact.....that we usually found we started feeling better the less we had....and that you can't nice them back and it rarely feels good when we try. And tbh what your w/h wants is no longer important bc it is all about them and not at all about you or even your kids probably. But I don't know the practical circs of your situation. Are there ways in which you can reduce contact and start living as if the divorce were already behind you?
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« Last Edit: August 20, 2020, 12:11:46 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
#129: August 20, 2020, 03:05:57 AM
Hi Father:

I am sorry to hear you are having a bit of a rough patch. I think we have all had those. I remember a similar period on a crucial time at work where I just couldn’t get my head screwed on right, and I was letting a lot of people down left and right. The only thing that save me from my own self criticism is the acknowledgment that I was in a world on pain, that sometime it was hard to just string two thoughts together, and that no matter what I wanted that was the best I could do. Because the worse thing to do at times like this is to pile on self criticism and a lack of self compassion.

As for the car, and the “multi million dollar home,” I am going to say something that may not resonate initially: who cares? Who cares if your car breaks down? Who cares what the price of your home is? Who cares about appearances and external displays? The only thing that matters is WHO you are as a person, HOW you treat others, WHAT kind of standards do you uphold for you and your kids. There are tons of truly useless people in big houses driving expensive cars, and for some reason we have given money and possessions (outside of necessities, roof, shelter, food) was too much importance. Are you proud of the person you are? How you have managed to handle this insane s**t storm and how you are with your kids? Have you blindsided the one you love and broken up your family? Are you still caring about how your wife is doing even after all her crazy antics?

These things are worth so much more than any home. You should be proud of yourself for how you have handled all this so far. We all have down hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months dealing with this.

Only thing that is on you is to do what you need and what you can to take care of yourself. Start by trying to figure out why you have been more defocused, is there some part of your work that you have ignored? Are you pretending something is ok for you that isn’t and this internal conflict is causing stress, confusion and leading to your mistakes? Are you still playing tennis, surfing, doing whatever you need to help your body deal with stress?

I suggest go back to basics. Work hard at not thinking about her, focus on you and your kids. Do things that feed your soul, own and realize how well you are doing. So pick yourself back up, vent here, and take it one little bit at a time. And as hard as it is remind yourself what you have inside is worth infinitely more than any trinket of house. Maybe being surrounded by people who put too much value in money is not helping you find your center.
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