[Bewildered survivor]

Thank you 1T for starting this thread. I for one am reluctant to post about OW for fear of being judged. I don’t feel currently strong enough for further judgement- I deal with it enough from MLCer.

I’m not sure how name calling became an issue. Personally I try to avoid name calling on here. In RL with people I’m close to I have a particular name and even an emoji for OW. But name calling & swearing is not me.

That said I do think its easy for people to say detach from OW, don’t focus on her etc when they aren’t dealing with a particular kind of OW. I hold my H fully responsible for his decisions and by no means have I ever thought it’s is only OW at fault. However I do believe OW in my situation cast her net and purposely went after my H knowing full well he was married and had 2 small
children. In fact she worked on him for some time. I also saw the manipulation from her in messages. If you follow my story you will see that I blocked her from all social media as she was in fact stalking my life for a long time before I even knew she existed. My focus on OW is at times only to serve me and my children as things my friends have found out about and informed me have helped me when fighting for my children in court and it benefited me. In RL I am not hateful towards her and in fact when I recently came face to face with her I held my head up and even said hello to her. With dignity.

Now in my situation OW and her family are around my children. They have to stay at her house often. She ignores  them, doesn’t feed them and sabotages any time H spends with his girls alone. She insists he treat her kids like his own, emotionally and financially but treats my children like an inconvenience. She does not have a single care in the world for my children even as a mother herself. Yes I hate her because I would like to know if any mother who sees her children hurting and being treated this way ignore or not focus on OW. I only vent here or those close to me. In RL I am
completely focused on protecting myself and my children and creating a better life for us. Being angry with OW is not preventing me from doing that. There needs to be some outlet for the anger and yes anger and even hatred can be part of the healing process. It’s only when we become consumed with it and when it stops us from functioning and we make decisions or take actions fuelled by this anger and hatred that it becomes a problem.

For those of you who say they barely give OW a  second thought- I envy that your in a position to do that. Had it not been for the fact that I have children who are exposed to that relationship and to someone who blew up their lives with H without a shred of empathy or compassion for 2 innocent children as a mother herself- I would have perhaps been where you are. Part of my focus on OW is to know exactly what my children are exposed to- as there Mum I have a responsibility to be aware of this. I was recently  told to have a look at some historical social media posts of OW. I was horrified that my children are exposed to such vulgar, sexually inappropriate behaviour. One post even talked about her being stoned (when her own child must have been only 2 or 3). Yes part of me wished I had not seen that as I can’t really use it to change anything but I was informed by someone who
thought I could use it for my case. Part of me was also glad I saw it so im fully aware of who they around and maybe damage control as best as I can. In my case my children are not only exposed to OW but also to her grown up children who are just as bad or worse than her. I may sound judgmental when I say this but my children pre MLC were not exposed to this kind of environment and were brought up very differently not just culturally but morally.

As for ‘thinking’ or ‘knowing’ OW has PD makes no difference. I can only deal with what I can see...and what I see is a manipulative sick OW (yes I could come up with quite a few other names) who ‘in my opinion’ is personality disordered. I don’t need to know her to have this opinion as I’ve seen enough to strongly suspect it. That does NOT mean I am diagnosing her or anything else but I am allowed to have my opinion just like anyone else is.

I have to say that my recent discoveries and focus on OW has actually helped give me some insight into this process and nothing is clearer to me now than the fact that MLCer is the complete opposite to who he was. He would never have been attracted to someone who is so vulgar, manly or crude. I am
literally the opposite to her and he would always say he loved that I was feminine and prim and proper. His perceptions, values, opinion, likes and dislikes are the complete opposite. So the focus on OW has helped to confirm my H is a textbook MLCer. If it weren’t for the fact that my children are caught in the middle I would stand back and watch the crash that is coming with interest.

I work very hard to not wish bad on either H or OW (despite the constant monstering) and try to have faith in karma.

I also want to say that I do not agree that just because MLCer is married to OW that you should change your perception or view of OW. A marriage built on lies, deceit, destruction and at the cost of others pain is not one to be respected. At the end of the day just because OW becomes his wife does not take away from the fact that she was OW to begin with. If H broke up with OW and started a relationship with someone else then perhaps I would not have the same level of anger towards her (again depending on how she was as a person and how she treated my children). Hating that person would mean I am over focused on MLCer and still very much attached to him.

1T I wish I was on the site a few years back when it seems that there was more understanding and less conflict.

I’m all for helping LBS’s to detach and focus on themselves but do not think by telling them
not focus on OW is necessarily the way and can come across as dismissive if they are struggling with a difficult OW who is being flaunted and rubbed in their faces. I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive here but I find some posts patronising and self righteous.

Let’s hope that one day I am able to not focus on OW...when my girls are old enough to deal with her and are able to stand up for themselves and look after themselves. Until then I’ll do whatever I need to do to protect them within my own personal boundaries of maintaining my self respect, dignity and being a good role model for them.

[Mitzpah]

I think others on this thread have said it well. Realize that putting the focus on the OW/OM.....puts the focus on the OW/OM. Is that where you want your focus to be?

No doubt, it is helpful to have a healthy outlet for unprocessed feelings toward the OP. Just stay aware that what one feeds is what grows.  Anger may not be what one wants to feed, because anger can turn us on each other, too.

For me, venting rarely makes me feel completely better. Yes, it releases the pressure. But the need to process whatever the underlying emotion is is still usually still there, waiting to catch me the next time. For me, I find it better not to give them much attention at all -- which is SO very much easier with a vanisher.

I would like to contribute here. I will not vilify ow. I prefer not to know too much about her. The relationship that my h. has with her is a source of inner frustration, however, I know that he is the one who stepped out of our marriage. She was just available. She clings to him. He is a very lovely person, so, in a way, I can understand that.

[Mitzpah]

Megogirl,

I am sorry that you find this post necessary.

Anjae is straight talking and abides by rules. I can understand that you are angry at your h's choices, including his choice of ow. Mst of us have to deal with this and we deal...

Name calling is not allowed. Hate also isn't. Therefore, a thread to name call and to use hate, if that is the purpose, goes against HS rules.

Could you please stop being the HS gestapo?

Because between this & "lariwriter, you don't belong here!", it's grown really tiresome.  This thread was formed to vent - not "hate" - and indicated to be such a thread.  So if you don't like it, don't look at it!

But while we're on the subject, RCR's very own words were, "I get it....she really is a wh*r^."

So, did RCR break her OWN "rules" when she wrote that?

[Anjae]

One of Hearts Blessings (HB) most interesting articles: https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/lifes-lessons-misdirected-anger-at-the-other-woman/ - Misdirected Anger at the Other Woman.

[Acorn]

Could you please stop being the HS gestapo?

I’m sorry, you said what?
This is totally unacceptable. 
You need to apologize to Anjae and all those offended by your flippant use of the word ‘gestapo’.  These people were responsible for unspeakable atrocities against humanity and for sending numerous people to their death in gas chambers and by other vile means.

This comment is extremely offensive.

And, please explain:

Well.......you're in the Army now, 1Trouble!

What Army???

[Onward]

I’m all for helping LBS’s to detach and focus on themselves but do not think by telling them to not focus on OW is necessarily the way and can come across as dismissive if they are struggling with a difficult OW who is being flaunted and rubbed in their faces. I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive here but I find some posts patronising and self righteous.

Bewildered, this a a great example of what can happen with the written word. 

Maybe you're being sensitive; maybe you're not. Maybe (I might think) you're defensive. Probably you're not.  Maybe you're referring to my post, maybe you're not.

But, if you are finding some posts patronizing and self-righteous, that really *is* the way the message is being received by you.

Which doesn't mean that the post is patronizing. Or is self-righteous. Or dismissive. The writer may really just be wanting to share that not thinking about the OW was the best way they found to detach. Or discuss how they approach the topic of OW/OM.

You're the only one who can look at why you're received the message as you have. Just like I'm the only one who can look at why I've received your message as I have. (I don't actually think you're defensive. I just think this is  great example of how different experiences influence the reception of a message.)

Sometimes I think HS should name the "discussion" threads  "(dis) agreement" and "agreement" threads. 

BTW, if it was my message that made you feel that way, I am sorry if I left that impression.

[Onward]

Interesting message timing.

This, on the other hand, is pretty clear.

Could you please stop being the HS gestapo?

I’m sorry, you said what?
This is totally unacceptable. 
You need to apologize to Anjae and all those offended by your flippant use of the word ‘gestapo’.  These people were responsible for unspeakable atrocities against humanity and for sending numerous people to their death in gas chambers and by other vile means.

This comment is extremely offensive.

And, please explain:

Well.......you're in the Army now, 1Trouble!

What Army???

[Not Applicable]

YAY!  I love this thread!

Because I have been personally derided by people for calling OW a hooker, et al.  Well, this homewrecker only appeared after XH became a high-powered executive, earning over $300k a year.  Would she still have been interested when he was 23, and BROKE?!? 

As Anjae said, name calling can be counterproductive. In your case, you are facing potential felony charges and prison time for calling OW a ow. I wonder if you actually do get jailed whether you will change your tune and finally realize that calling OW a ow had life altering consequences that are entirely your own fault.

[xyzcf]

The concept that "if you don't want to read this thread then just don't do it" doesn't allow posters to go against the Mission Statement for Heros Spouse nor the Code of Conduct. It is a privilege to be able to participate in this forum and it is not a free for all. Like many things in life, there are rules, and for good reason.

To discuss ways of dealing with OW/OM or situations concerning the OW/OM is one thing...but in the opening post 1trouble stated the following:

But if you feel the need to rant, name call, compare notes  about OW/OM do it.

Sorry, that goes against the Mission Statement and Code of Conduct for Hero's Spouse.

There are many other places if you want to use derogatory words to  talk about the OW/OM. Heros Spouse is not one of them.
 
Please read this carefully:

"Mission Statement

To provide information, advice and support on how to Stand for marriage to men and women experiencing midlife crisis and infidelity in their marriages.
To prevent divorces.
To reduce the overall rate of divorce.
To encourage an alternative to divorce.
To encourage personal growth and loving of one’s Self.

This is accomplished by…
 
Offering a community for non-judgmental support.
Teaching and encouraging Agape and Forgiveness for all people and all situations.
Providing resources for continuing development and education.
Offering individual Coaching

We make no judgments; all are welcome. This is a place of love and support, not a place to degrade and insult others—including your MLC spouse.

Though heavily influenced by Christianity, people of all Faiths are welcome.
Though most of us are heterosexual, we do not discriminate based on sexual orientation."

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1146.0

The Code of Conduct is located at:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10725.msg715366#new

for posters who are not familiar with the terms of agreement for use of this forum.

Which includes:

Sometimes our emotional turmoil leads to conflict with each other. We understand this, but our situations are no excuse for poor behavior and mistreatment of others.

I have already seen the disrespect to other posters, specifically those who are clearly stating the rules.

If you don't like the rules, take it up with RCR...but in the interm, you are expected to abide by what is written in the Mission Statement and the Code of Conduct...none of us are exempt from this.

[xyzcf]

Quote from: megogirl on Today at 01:17:27 PM
Could you please stop being the HS gestapo?

This is what I mean by HATE, pure and unadulterated HATE to use that word in reference to one of our members will not be tolerated.