Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 15  (Read 1786 times)

Offline Silver

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My Story Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #100 on: June 12, 2019, 05:58:29 AM »
gman, that's couple of beautiful updates bro, sounds like you are.. free?


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #101 on: June 18, 2019, 03:38:51 AM »
dude.. I'm hoping.

I got up early with a bit of stress today. I've applied for a few jobs at colleges in the area and I haven't heard anything so far.. I know it takes time, but I need to start rethinking my options again and I've kind of been putting it off. But at the same time, I'm applying and being consistent and that's about all I can do, I just don't have an immediate answer right now.

Work is frustrating, I feel like I never know what's going to happen from day to day and I just kind of show up now and go through the motions I'm doing as well as I can, all things considered, but I'm not really a guy to cruise on auto pilot. I like to know what's going and in lieu of that, i like routine.

W came over on Saturday for her longest visit in a while.  She stayed almost four hours and spent the entire time with S. She sat in his room and played video games with him and she seems like she's doing better with him and being patient. She says the medication is really helping her and it seems like it is.

It's hard seeing her come over though sometimes. There was nothing wrong with us that couldn't be fixed, other than she just doesn't want to. It has a ring of nanny nanny boo boo to it that I just find impudent and selfish. Yeah I know, MLC.. but even though I'm in a good place now, I don't think the hurt from that will ever go away 100%. S feels it too and I think it's even harder on him sometimes. As other's have said, fine hate me, but what did the kids do to you? Even if they can't verbalize it, I think that's what they all want to know too.

She brought the baby over and he was a lot of fun too. We were looking at pictures of S on my phone and he almost feel asleep with me on the couch and then he heard thunder and got scared and ran to S's room. He sat with W and played games with them (as much as a 2 year old can anyway) the rest of the time and S played with him too. It was nice to see them together.

I've got this weekend off from airsoft and I'm going to tackle some home projects. I think not dating has been good for me, but it's also catching up to me. I feel lonely and discarded and a bit overwhelmed right now. Usually my cure for that is to slow down and regain my sense of self. I need to go through my budget again and I think it'd be a good idea to join the Y. Maybe this weekend we'll go and take a look at it.

Happy fathers day (belated) to all you guys on here!

I think that's part of why I'm feeling so down too. I went through all of our old photos on Sunday to do a facebook post about S. I saw that I've always been the dad that I wanted to be and that makes me happy. But letting go of the past is hard and I struggle with wondering if anything with me and W was real or I'm just that delusional and that's why I haven't been able to find anyone else since. Letting go of that has been hard too, I know the timing just isn't right, but it all makes you wonder if it's not you at the same time.

Well I'm done crying in my coffee.. literally. I need to get up and get a shower and then get S to his job! and me onto work.

Have a good one :)

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #102 on: June 18, 2019, 10:04:52 AM »
Today wasn't a total loss though .. I did get up early and I went through my google photos and I downloaded a few I'm going to print off and hang on the wall. I'm starting a photo wall in the entry way and overall, I want the house to feel like a home. I suppose if it gets out of limbo, I'll follow because home is where the heart is I suppose.

I had enough time to wake up before getting into work and I found I was in a better mood. My biological clock may be happier getting up @ 5, so it's something I may try too. Usually I have to get up and get myself ready along with S and I'm half asleep at my desk until about 10am.

I also have been googling ADHD & ... and I've been learning a lot. Yup.. fill in the blank and there's an article on how it correlates with something and it's been eye opening.

The summers here have been too hot and I've been buying hiking style pants to replace my jeans and dress pants with. I'm much more comfortable and I'm also wearing my desert boots, which actually really help with all the walking and getting on ladders I do. I think I'm going to get another pair to wear at work daily. The dress shoes just don't cut it. But I also think it's a shift towards being comfortable with myself. I felt like I was trying to be cool for too long and I didn't want to be like some of those post military people I work with.. I'm kinda laughing now actually..

The winds are shifting honestly I think. Things aren't the greatest right now, but I am happier with myself.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #103 on: June 19, 2019, 01:03:55 AM »
One step at a time, GMan, one step at a time...

The same way one eats an elephant... one bite at at time..
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #104 on: June 19, 2019, 06:00:37 AM »
indeed man.. that's all it is! Time and tide melt the snow man..

Quote
I finally realized that everything about my life made sense and that I had everything I wanted.

This is a quote thunder quoted on MBIM's thread.. so I don't know who posted it, but this is where I'm at now. There are still steps to take, rungs to ascend.. and I think I'm slowing down a little bit (emotionally), because I actually enjoy my life now and who I am. I'm looking back down that ladder and realizing how far I've come. The emotions of father's day and W's visit are behind me and maybe yesterday morning was just getting it out of my system.

Today is.. pretty good so far :) Lots of rain down here.. we've been in a drought for the beginning of the year and I love rain so I've really been enjoying it.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2019, 06:11:32 AM by gman242 »

Offline Whyus

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #105 on: June 19, 2019, 06:35:24 AM »
just Keep climbing that ladder Gman, better days are on the horizon my friend.
Its over 30°C here  8)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #106 on: June 24, 2019, 10:03:21 AM »
Happy Monday!

I'm still meh, but I've figured out why. Part of it is letting go, I wonder if perhaps I'm not processing all that I should have been after W moved out. I hung on, I clung anything that might have been a hidden meaning, a clue that she was working through this or wanted me back. Hindsight being what it is, it's 20/20, but everything looks clear as horsecrap, because I think that's what a lot of it was. Just realizing the person I thought I was in love with, who I thought loved me back, was simply a self interested, emotionally unavailable person with narcissistic behaviors and was never going to be the person I thought she could be, that's sad and hard to deal with on it's own. I'm done with false hope, waiting and longing.

That kind of realization is it's own kind of limbo, because these are the first days of the rest of my life and I've realized it's the first time ever, I'm not worrying about or waiting on someone else. I'm in control, in charge and it's a big wide open world out there and anything can happen and it's a bit overwhelming. I'm also finding I don't know who I am or what I want 100% anymore. Not in a bad, I'm going to have another MLT thing, but my life was lived in adjustment to others. I have to figure out what i like doing and what I want to do with myself. It's going to be a.. not a challenge, but something different and I don't know what it is or how it's going to be.

I realized I've been having panic attacks again and that's all they are. That's where all that heavy down stuff is coming from. I can do anything I want and so what do I want to do? I dunno.. so freak out! I had a couple over the weekend and part of it was being tired. It's been so hot and humid it's been impossible to sleep lately.

But.. everything fine.. :) What do i want to do today?

We weren't playing at the field on Saturday but I was tempted to stop by and pick up my gun I needed to work on and then I realized why would I do that? I'm tired, it's out of the way and our group isn't playing. I wanted to because it was routine. S is only working M-W and Thursday, on my way to work, I had a break down in the car. Why? Because the routine was different. I haven't trained my brain to learn that because the routine is different, everything is still ok.. That mostly goes back to childhood and my pattern of the military and W. Everyone told you what to do, so you didn't have to worry. It's that dependency attachment type. I've realized it's just old habits, being shown when I'm turning to face a wide open frontier.. and I know I'll get over it :)

Weekend was busy though.. Cleaned Friday night, got up early and repainted the front door before the heat hit, I took S to the beach that night, Sunday I did a lot of yard work, worked on my picture wall which came out pretty good and other household stuff. I hit a point where I realized, regardless, you have to make your life the way you want it now, so I've been spending more time on things I want to do around the house and I'm looking forward to getting a lot done. I need to redo my bathroom, buy a new back door, cut tree branches, update the furniture int he house and like like that. It's a lot and will take some planning, but I think it's also all part of the self care kind of stuff I've never done before. I'm not used to it because I was so worried about W or S's needs.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #107 on: June 24, 2019, 11:32:26 AM »
Gman, I honestly think when you really let go...it does feel kind of like a limbo?

Now what?  I have my life to live, but that always included my spouse coming back.  What or how do I fill that in that space I had for the MLCer?   I dunno know yet.

You'll figure it out Gman in time.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #108 on: June 26, 2019, 06:06:39 AM »
I think so far, in the intervening years here, since BD and the D, I've done... ok. ha ha. I've realized 100% I need to make and live the life I want to, now, now and I'm taking more active steps that.

As much as I am loathe to admit it, between exercising, cleaning , cooking, airsoft and spending time with S, I wasn't doing much other than sitting on the couch watching TV. I kind of talked myself into it and patted myself on the back saying I earned it, but that's only a half truth. I wasn't using imitative at home like I was at work or in my personal life. So I've taken that attitude towards the house and my outside work life and I feel better. I have my list of things I want to do and I can rest for a bit, but then it's time to get up and do them. I painted my front door and got my photo wall up over the weekend. I want to change out the front entry way light for a pendant as I think the entry would look better with one, since it has a higher ceiling. I read that making your personal space the way you want it is a part of self love and I agree.

I think right now, 98% of my problem is the dependent personality thing and it's where my panic attacks are coming from. I'm putting the focus on me and it's odd. I'm used to never doing that and even going way out of my way to distract myself from doing it. Thunder, you're right. It's my life and what do i want to do with it? I don't know and it's scary taking it day by day. I've been waking up in the mornings feeling like I did back in college, lonely, empty scared and lost. But I'm proud to say I'm getting through it.. Everything is fine. My job is stable, I have sympathetic parents who would help me out in an emergency if I needed it and so on and so forth. It's just going to take some getting used to. I'm so used to worrying about some else's needs or getting to "next". Well all in all, long of the short, I think taking life day by day is what everyone does and I'm just going to have to get used to it.

The other half too is it's been a doozy, realizing W for one reason or another, played me right up until the end. It's not a coincidence that her contact with me dropped severely when OM's divorce was finalized last fall. S asked me last night if she wanted to leave, why she didn't a lot sooner than she did and I said I had no idea other than I do think she loved us. Her problems got so bad though, rather than fix them, she took the path of least resistance, the one that took less work.

But yeah, I'm just trying to adjust.. welcome to the rest of your life.

I am stressed though because I'm having trouble finding a job I'm qualified for within a state agency. I get my retirement in less than ten years and I'd be foolish to turn down "free" money, by leaving for something else, so I've got to keep taking shots when I see them and be patient and that's hard too. I am a fixer (when you can be well centered, I don't think that's a bad thing) and I want to give S a better future than I can now, so I'm frustrated I can't blow the lid off the small market there is within the state agency system.

I wonder / worry about S too. He's going to be a slow starter and I've also been having mixed feelings about him. He's a teen I know and he's also a little different because of the ADHD and I cannot get him to take initiative.  When I'm at airsoft, which at times is part of my income, or on a date, he texts wanting to know when i'm coming home. He'll normally text multiple times, even when I'm sitting in the driveway. At this point, he's just bored.. but I feel like it invades what little personal time I have and he expects me to provide all the entertainment.

I leave him tasks to do that he barely gets done, I've told him to call his friends and setup things, pick out movies to go to ect and he drags his feet all the time. I know.. welcome to having a teen. I feel very lucky that I get to have this 2 for deal with him where I can effectively be both his parent and friend, but I'd like him to mature and for it to be more on equal terms and for him not to expect me to be his chauffeur and party planner sometimes.

The job though is going well for him and i'm glad he's getting some practical experience. I kind of don't see him going to full college and I'm a little worried about his long term ambitions. I'm kinda getting the feeling he may just go for an auto cad certificate and work an easy job somewhere doing drafting. I'd like him to be more ambitious and I just worry sometimes because he's too comfortable and maybe even dependent on me.   

We got a year of school to get through and then we'll see where we go from there I guess. One thing at a time.

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Reply #109 on: June 26, 2019, 09:43:26 AM »
Well some good news that may pan out to be nothing  ;D I applied for a classroom coordinator position at the local sheriff's office. My status went from submitted to "needs pre employment screening". Well hey, that's movement.

If I got the job, I'd be right across the street from my old campus job. Honestly, I'd love to work closer with a public service department. We have a division here that handles police, fire, EMT training and also trades like autobody and mechanics and I just love working with them when I have the chance. No bull$h!te, get it done.. straightforward people I can relate to. Being in academia can be such a territorial pissing contest sometimes.

Last night, S & I got my record player hooked up and it was fun watching him experience something mechanical. Just how you could even hear the music at the needle.. I'm not trying to tread on anyone's beliefs, but you look at how grooves in a record vibrate a needle and you can make electricity vibrate the same way and then you can vibrate a speaker the exact same way with that same electricity and you get sound out of it.. I don't see how people can say, maybe not God directly, but .. there's nothing out there? Nothing going on behind the scenes? That it was a big huge accident that means through which we play records is also the exact same one that allows life to exist here on earth? I got poetic for a sec, but I see God or at least something, in everything.

Anyway.. it was a fun night.

 

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