Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense  (Read 1281 times)

Online UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #70 on: May 15, 2019, 12:26:45 AM »
Dove,

I suspect that your "seeing the wasteland they created and diving back into the tunnel" theory is probably VERY true for may a Mid-Lifer. I witnessed it too with my FIL(RIP).  Every time he'd begin to get his head out of his ...... fog.... he'd do something stupid and then jump right back in to the tornado and do the same thing over again with someone else... the cycles got closer and closer together until he had pretty much alienated everyone around him... Kids, friends, everyone...

As far as being suicidal, that is a possibility and, while we would not wish that on them, there is NOTHING that we can do about it if that is the path they choose to take. When I got the news that my father had killed himself, I recall thinking that it was a shame that he made that decision but that, with all the help that was available to him, he had other options. He just chose that one and that was his choice..... He chose a miserable end to a miserable life that he himself had created by his actions.... It may sound a bit cold and harsh but I had done what I could to reach out to him earlier and he chose to be miserable anyway... Basically, I had followed Agreement 4 of the Four Agreements and done the best I could....

I really hope that you were able to recover the wallet intact and that the rest of your evening was uneventful!
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #71 on: May 15, 2019, 08:21:08 AM »
Savoir Faire - I too am glad BIL nudges Xh along. BIL is one of the few in Xh's family who sees that Xh is a mess and willing to step up. The other's enable it or ignore it, or my favorite, like to blame me. It is my fault he lives the way he does because, well as we all know, I am the one who ran up bills, made him fire clients and on and on. LOL - yup - I am a very bad person.

BIL also knows that I am one to own my failures and issues. I have had very frank conversations with BIL about my own mistakes and growth. I won't blame Xh for every thing that went wrong in my life. I have to own my part in decisions or lack there of. But, the MLCer did some insane things that I am having to pay for in a sense. The difference is, I am not about to place everything that might go wrong in my life on Xh.

Treasur - MLC Kondo - hahaha - I wonder if that could be a new series. Blow up your life and leave it all behind you. Hmmmm.

I do think if and when Xh sees what he has given up in comparison to what he thought he was going to gain he is going to have a very difficult time.

UrsaMajor - I am afraid the situation with my Xh seems just too similar to FIL's behaviors. FIL didn't really address his issues and avoided things. He would comment once in awhile that he shouldn't have done this or that - owning a bit of blame, but he would never really go into the depth needed to really move past it. They were often fleeting comments and it was clear as far as he was concerned it was in the past, so move on. That is all said and good for him, but it failed to address the pain he caused MIL and his children. And I rather suspect it didn't really work him through his own pain and guilt. Lift the carpet up and sweep some more under it.

I agree that if Xh does go the same route as your F, it is a sad thing, but there is little anyone can do about it. He has pushed everyone away and when they push people away, there are only so many times the want to keep getting kicked in the head for caring.

Last night, D and I ran to the gym and looked for the wallet. Nothing. Her boyfriend was in panic mode. D remained remarkably calm and told him to put a block on his bank card first and foremost, which he did. In doing that he did review his statement and find a fraudulent charge from the day before - before he lost his wallet. D said to him, see, there is a bright side - you might not have caught that this early. So the bank is issuing him a new card, etc.

D and I picked up an order that had come in yesterday, so it worked out that we ended up at the gym, as the place to pick up my order was just down the road.

We grabbed dinner and had a nice talk. She heard from one of her professors who reached out and wants to offer her extra time to complete some work. D had missed so much time in the classroom when she was sick that this professor said she knew it was affecting D's GPA and grade and D is a good student. The professor will put in a grade change if D completes the work. That made D feel good. She did okay in the class, but it could have easily been an A class for her if she hadn't gotten sick. D is not anticipating an A, but she was touched that the professor was willing to give her a chance to improve the grade.

We came home and S came through the door. I got to witness an exchange between S, D and D's boyfriend who had just come through the door. The first thing was her boyfriend found his wallet. It had fallen out of his gym bag while it was in the trunk and had wedged itself between in the back of the trunk, where the seats fold down. He felt pretty stupid, but S and D told him that was not stupid, and it happens to the best of us.

D then asked S if he had a second. I was sitting doing some grading in the den and I looked up just as I saw a huge smile come across S's face as he said he was totally willing to do this. I was curious as to what brought such an expression of pure joy on S's face and started to listen to the conversation.

D's boyfriend has been wanting to learn 2 things. His F is a VP of a bank and gardens, but admits he is not a hands-on guy when it comes to certain things. D's boyfriend mentioned to D he would like to learn how cars work and how to do some of his own work - at the very least how to change his oil and how to jack up a car properly to change a tire. It turned out, D's boyfriend really wants to hang out and learn about how engines work. So, that was the first thing S said of course her boyfriend could come hang out, but he would have to realize that he would need garage clothes that can get messy. D's boyfriend was really excited.

Then came the next nugget in the conversation. D's boyfriend never took tech classes and always wanted to do woodworking, but he doesn't have the equipment. Next thing I know, I am hearing S and D's boyfriend talk about a table they are going to make together.

The final part of the conversation, before I interjected, was D's boyfriend has never been to a car show. D has been to more than her share and it is not one of her "can't wait to do that this summer" lists. She gets tired of them. S used to go with Xh. Seems Xh is going away this weekend to a car show and asked S, in fact from what I gather, S was rather annoyed because Xh was pressuring him to not go into work on Friday in order to go with Xh. S said he wouldn't do that to his boss, as their end of the millwork is putting in overtime right now because they are slammed. Besides, S said, he has bills to pay and wants to get some money saved up and can't afford a long weekend right now.

So, S was beyond thrilled to take D's boyfriend with him this weekend to another car show, one locally, that Xh always promised to take S to and never did. S was giddy, saying they could take his antique truck to the event.

My interjection was simply looking a D telling her that I think she just lost her boyfriend to her brother. D giggled and said it was okay, she was happy that her B and her boyfriend are becoming good friends.

I went back to my grading and thought about Xh and his weekend at this car show. I already know my nephew will be in tow and that is great for my nephew. In the meantime, he is missing more of these moments by his own doing.

That little exchange amongst D, S and D's boyfriend was so simple and yet, I felt so lucky to see it unfold.

S and D's boyfriend were not good friends in school. S certainly has a huge amount of respect for how D's boyfriend treats her. But, it is funny how S has a small group of friends now that have accepted D's boyfriend as well. They too were not friends with him in high school, as he was an athlete and ran with a very popular crowd. S ran with his crowd. D's boyfriend doesn't really hang out with most of his former friends, as many have gone on to become serious partiers and he outgrew that pretty quickly his first semester away at college.

D told me before I went to bed that she is so grateful to have a big brother who is so kind and even though he is a huge goofball, he has a huge heart. She knows S was genuine in his enthusiasm, but she said she also knows that he sometimes likes his space to himself, so allowing her boyfriend to come and slow his own work up at times in order to help her boyfriend learn is a big sacrifice on her B's part.

I told her that is because her B loves what he does and he loves her even more.  :)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #72 on: May 15, 2019, 11:26:09 PM »
It does seem our D may have lost her boyfriend to her brother for a while, I remember that feeling well ;D  My fist boyfriend was car crazy and went to car shows and races and took my brother while I sometimes stayed home.  I never really minded and was glad they got along.  It's been a very long time since that boyfriend walked out of my life but my brother is still as car obsessed as he was back then.

I remember smiling as I used to look at the two of them in the garage taking the cars apart. Felt like family.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #73 on: May 16, 2019, 12:39:54 AM »
Another "pass the hanky" moment in your house Dove... That is really .... "nice" is too superficial, "sweet" is too ...sticky.... I guess maybe the right word would be "uplifting" .... that S and D's BF have grown to like each other and that S can share parts of his enthusiasm for stuff that D's BF would like to know about... That doesn't happen al the time... There can be that rivalry and the "No one gets to torture my sibling but me" thing that pushes potential suitors away....

The car show thing... na ja, what can I say. S has his priorities int he right order and xH has his where the sun don't shine... I guess it is good for Nephew that he gets to reap some of the benefits of the fog but, at the same time, it drives another nail in the coffin of the R xH could be having with his own kids....

I am glad that D's BF found his wallet.... That had to have been a relief and better that the fraudulent charge was caught early one....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #74 on: May 16, 2019, 01:08:20 AM »
My boyfriend of many years ago got me to put the piston rings on six pistons.  Not sure I've ever used the skill again but he was impressed at the time ;D  Girls doing boy things gets them brownie points, maybe your D needs to join in the fun?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #75 on: May 16, 2019, 01:04:06 PM »
UrsaMajor - LOL - yah, pass the hanky happens a lot and I am such a sap anyways. LOL I should own stock in Kleenex.  ;D

But, to be clear, it isn't always like that. There are the moments where I walk into my house and go a bit nuts when I see that no one bothered to take the garbage out or I hear the 2 of them having a disagreement - LOL. But, I am very lucky, I know that.

It is strange because my sister and I were always close, so it took me awhile to realize that was not always the case with siblings. It is very odd to see my own kids that are so incredibly different temperaments and have such opposite taste in things seem to embrace each other's abilities, strengths and weaknesses. The only hiccup we seem to have right now is S's current GF, who D is not fond of. Nor am I thrilled about this particular one. But, we keep our mouths shut. I don't see it lasting. His current GF is nice enough, but she has done a couple of things that have made me bristle a bit and D has mentioned it as well. D doesn't think this GF appreciates S the way he should be appreciated and she is very protective of her B. She said she knows S will figure it out on his own.

Savior Faire - I don't see D wanting to have anything to do with getting her hands dirty. Being a kid who wants to study medicine she is very mindful of keeping her hands very clean. The idea of grease on them is a huge turn off for her. But, she is not afraid of doing anything a guy can do. She will hang out in the garage. Part of that is Xh tried to push that idea on her that she should love what he loved so that they could do more things together. That was during MLC. He was all about her learning about cars and motorcycles and it didn't interest her in the least. I recommended that he try to see what did interest her. He said she was the one who needed to learn to adapt. That was a MLC mindset. In the past, he would have been out kayaking with her or at her cross country meets.

I had my last Art History class today. I was walking into the building when one of the administrators caught up with me. She had a huge grin on her face. She said that she wanted to share with me that 2 of my students, who are seniors, shared with her that they didn't love the Art History part of things, but my lectures were always interesting and I have been their favorite professor by far. She couldn't say who they were, but she said they were science majors. I laughed and told my administrator that she didn't need to butter me up to teach at the satellite again. She was the one who pushed for me to be the one on campus.

I am meeting a friend for dinner shortly and am looking forward to just being done for the semester. I have a ton of grading to tackle, but after this weekend, I should be able to find some time for myself a bit easier.

I was joking with my friend about where to go to dinner. It is the last Thursday night of the semester which means the one restaurant is having their weekly Beer Pong tournament.  ::) We both looked at each other and laughed - nope not going anywhere near that place. We are going to the other side of the city where there is less insanity. Wine and dinner. Maybe some goofy discussions but no beer being sloshed onto us. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #76 on: May 16, 2019, 06:57:38 PM »
My Art History class got done a bit earlier than anticipated and I met up with my friend. She still had to keep office hours, so I had time to kill. I went to one of my favorite coffee shops and spent time sitting in an oversized chair watching the people on the street while I enjoyed my coffee.

My friend texted and said there was an event in one of the departments and did I want to go to that before dinner. I was up for it and the plan was for me to meet her there. I got there before she did and the minute I walked in I was approached by a gentleman who asked me if I was someone from the industry. I was wondering if I needed my college ID or what. He introduced himself and I found myself completely cornered. I don't do well with people who I don't know telling me their complete life story right out the gate. I was being told a lot of information. I was trying to sort of shift my position so that I could ease my way into the crowd. My friend walked in and I was able to make an escape. Her assistant was with her. We chatted a bit and they went out to look at one of the new spaces and I turned to see this gentleman right behind me yet again.

I thought FFS - within 15 minutes I knew when he graduated, where he was born, where his grandparents were from, what his F and M did for a living. And on and on. There was no conversation. This was like a full on lecture and a scenario out of some bad movie where you are set up on the worst blind date ever. My friend came back in and must have read the look on my face and came and rescued me.

We left and met up at the restaurant. Her assistant joined us as did a couple of other women from work. The assistant asked me about the man and it turned out she had the same exact experience when my friend and I were talking to one of our colleagues. One of the women who joined us for dinner works with this guy and she apologized to me, saying they had just hired him this year on a temp basis and they are not bringing him back. She said he might be lonely but they have had multiple complaints. I laughed and said I was really starting to feel very uncomfortable.

My friend just before we had gone to the restaurant had joked with me that she thought I should be British and come back to teach next year doing my lectures with a British accent because our other teacher has a lovely British accent. Her assistant was very confused. I laughed and said this is just my friend being her funny self. So, all night long she kept introducing me as her friend from the UK.

My friend loves to laugh and often at herself.

I came home and found S was out cleaning up the yard some more. I noticed that D's kayak was sitting along side the garage. I looked at S and didn't say a word at first. He got a Cheshire cat grin on his face and said he told his F that he wanted to go kayaking with his friend. That is not a lie. They are going tomorrow, but S added he figured if he brought the kayak back to the house D could use it any time and not worry about going to Xh's nor worrying that Xh will get rid of it. S said his friend is leaving his kayak here as well and S can use it whenever.

I shook my head at how ridiculous this is, but based on the fact that D has not heard from Xh since his long dissertation before the end of her semester and his silence now, it seems that "heartfelt text" was quite possibly just for show.

I walked across the street and got the mail out of the mailbox. There was this month's support check. I looked at the envelope. Now I am known by my first name, married name and maiden name. Inside, the check is made out the same way. I am just fascinated by this check thing. I really don't believe it is intentional. I don't think he knows what to call me. I do know he was very ticked about me keeping my married name and my attorney as well as the judge said he could not force me to change it. I didn't change it because of my children and at the time I was standing. The idea of changing all of my legal documents and such was a huge headache. Now, I just don't think too much about it. It doesn't define who I am as such. But, clearly it is some source of confusion for Xh or something that gets under his skin still.

Oh well, it is better than having a check made out with just my first name or my initials. Still odd though.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 07:13:52 PM by MourningDove »

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #77 on: May 17, 2019, 02:55:35 AM »


OK, I have to hand it to S. That was THE smoothest move I have seen in a long time to cut xH out of the loop with respect to his holding the kayak as a weapon over D's head....



If I may make a prediction... xH is going to loose his rag when he realizes that he has a) been TOTALLY outsmarted by S, and b) a BIG chunk of the leverage that he imagined he had over D by having physical possession of the kayak.... I would not be surprised to see an attempt to "repo" it so it may be a wise idea to take appropriate precautions
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #78 on: May 17, 2019, 05:38:43 AM »
Loving the kayak repo ;D  Xh is going to be MLC monster when he realizes ;D

Maybe your xH has forgotten your name?  He's forgotten who he really is so forgetting who you are may be next?

My xH uses my maiden name for the legals as he knows I've changed it back. If he's ever sent anything directly to the house address, he uses my married name.  I honestly think he hates that I changed it.  Why wouldn't I want to keep the name of a cheating abuser - madness!!

That's why he left me in the first place - I am completely crazy according to him.  He's absolutely fine by the way ;)
« Last Edit: May 17, 2019, 05:39:50 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #79 on: May 18, 2019, 01:42:08 PM »
UrsaMajor & Savoir Faire - LOL - I know, the kayak repo was really brilliant. D was upset at first thinking Xh had dropped it off with "conditions" as S did not share with her the full story. Once I explained what had transpired D got a huge smile on her face and said how much she loved her B. She said she wouldn't say a word to S, as she knows that he has a very different relationship with Xh and if he mentions the repo, fine, but she said it doesn't have to be discussed right now.

S and his friend took the kayaks down to the creek where they race in April. The waters usually recede by now, but with all of the rain, there are still rapids. It made me a bit nervous, as a friend of mine drowned in these same rapids when I was in college, but I cannot wrap my kid in bubble wrap. I asked S to just make sure he never goes by himself in these conditions. When they returned from their trip, S and his friend had huge smiles on their face. S said that they actually skipped the area where the rapids occur and did the lower creek that runs much slower. He said it was so relaxing just paddling along and seeing the different birds nesting and such.

I had a couple of surprise calls this morning. One from a friend who I just love catching up with. We can pick up right where we left off. There is never any pressure or drama. She lives in Colorado and has invited me to go out there to visit. My coordinator just asked me to go with her on a road trip to Denver, but unfortunately the timing sucks, as I have commitments. I am thinking about a road trip though or grabbing a flight to go out there. I have to look at how the summer is shaping up.

The other call was from another friend. She has been going through some things in a relationship that frankly has been rather toxic. She made a comment to me that really struck a chord, as it is how I feel about Xh right now in regards to D. He hasn't been in contact with D other than his usual "night" and "love you" blips he sends via text every couple of days. Nothing else.

My friend's comment was "apology without change is manipulation".

I have been thinking about that statement as a whole this afternoon. I think saying you are sorry for something and acknowledging you made a mistake is one thing. But, what she is referring to was those apologies that are where someone says they are sorry and it is maybe a bigger issue that they somehow feel the apology just makes it all better. My Xh did this during our "reconciliation debacle". He acknowledged the OW and affair and said he was sorry. I do believe part of him was in fact genuine, but he never let her go. He convinced me he could just be friends with her and kept her phone number and emails coming, although they were supposedly "just friends" again. I am sure to a degree they were. Looking back so many of his apologies in his crisis were not real apologies. He wasn't ready to nor did he really want to change, for whatever reason. His apologies were meant to somehow semi-acknowledge he knew I was hurting and sorry absolved him at that time, but he wasn't going to stop doing what he was doing. And then I was made to feel like I was the bad-guy for not accepting this apology.

It was textbook love bombing.

This quote was not a trigger, but it has made me pause a bit and think about the words a bit. I guess maybe for me it is not to believe that all apologies are manipulative in nature. Some are sincere, but when change should happen and the "I am sorry" is only words and the changes should occur and don't, then it is manipulation for sure. Whether intentional or not. I look back and see how I started to simply accept those apologies from my Xh because I wanted it to be a reconnection so badly that I failed to see he was not ready to change. I failed to see those words meant nothing at the time.

It is why D feels the way she does in regards to Xh. He says the right words, but doesn't back it up with actions.

That is why it is so important for any of us who have lived in the land of MLC to remember that the words mean very little. Consistent, positive actions are what matter. That shows the true progress and whether or not the MLCer is moving in a positive direction.

 

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