[KeepItTogether]

My xh has been with this ow for almost three years. All I can continue to think is she must make him happy?! It still makes me sad actually. I have been obsessing lately. What if I didn't kick him out for lying. What if ..... ?? So many questions I know. People say it has nothing to do with us but it seriously must

I could have written Tyk’s post word for word.

This is a completely normal feeling, but I know that you have read it is not about you, it's not personal, it's about them... BLAH BLAH BLAH. So instead of going over why that is first, let's instead go over why you feel it seriously must have something to do with you.

I think in my case, it had everything to do with me. I was way too loving, caring, responsible, organized, attractive, fit, funny, successful and a great Mom. My H is now with the exact opposite of me.  LOL  (Not meaning to be braggy or vain at all, but this OW is really awful)

Thanks RCR and Song for the reminder though. We do get down on ourselves b/c that old saying, "It's not you, it's me" really means "It's not you, it's me....not liking you anymore." Hard not to take this personally. That is why I find reading the MLC articles every so often an absolute necessity.

[Nas]

So no it's not do with the LBS but what we represent and even though that logic on their behalf is bonkers - the new and exciting and different will always be an attractive pull.

I think that's why around the 3, 4 year mark, we start to fall back to thinking they just fell out of love.
New and exciting has an attractive pull, but a several-years-old relationship in which they have been living day to day life with the OP is not shiny and new anymore.

In my case, my H can't even bring himself to reach out to say "Hey, how are you feeling?"  He can't even say the word cancer.  He has only twice in the two years I've been in treatment said "how is your health?" 
He did reach out when both my mother and father died in February, but only to say his mother had told him about it and he told me to "Hang in there."  Real heartfelt. 

The OW in my case doesn't appear to be crazy.  She was someone he knew from high school and I guess they dated for about 3 weeks one summer.  She has 3 kids, all teenagers.  One must be in college now.

She lived 1100 miles away with her executive husband who wrote glowing praise of her all over Facebook.  They lived in a gorgeous home on a golf course and attended community galas and took trips all over. (Yeah, of course I looked at both her and her H's Facebook pages when I first found out about her.)

The affair started over Facebook sometime mid-2014.  I don't know when it first became physical because there's so many lies and she may or may not have flown up here to see him once, or they may have just done the "sexting" thing for a while.  BD was March 2015, he moved out July 2015 and since then he's been as distant as a complete stranger.  He moved the 1100 miles to her city in early June 2016.  Her divorce was final that week.  He had a tiny apartment for himself but I'm pretty sure it was less than 3 months before he moved in with her.

So he's essentially lived with her for almost 3 years now.  I've spent 2 of those years fighting advanced cancer and he's removed himself more and more to the point where now I don't even know his email address or phone number.

My gut instinct is the OW and the new life are what he wants and he's become a vanisher because he feels tremendous guilt because my life has seen so much illness and death all while he's living a life that fits him better. 

[Tyks]

Kit, I need that attitude but I don't know that this ow is awful. I know nothing about her. Found her pic once online eight after bd. She can't be that bad if he is still with her.

I guess I feel it is about me BC I am still here and he is still there. I mean, I was a great wife and mother. There could 've been more intimacy but that takes two and quite frankly I was tired from doing absolutely everything and running my business. Hindsight is 20/20 but there are many things that i would change if given the opportunity. But I never was.

He was always chasing the elusive passion. I am pretty sure he thinks passion lives every day. But he isn't passionate about anything and never really put forth an effort for that.

Now I'm.just rambling. I'm just in a rut after all this time where I thought I was fine. Obviously not.

[Sunandshade]

I think my H’s OW was as textbook as they come, Half his age, desperate, clingy, clueless about who he was but determined to ride a rainbow sparkly unicorn across the sky for luv. Plenty of weirdness that she looks a bit like I did at that age (same as when H and I met). I also highly suspect bpd. It’s over now, took months for him to finish with her, she assaulted him at the end requiring a dozen stitches but he still claims the taxi driver did it. I try not to think about her, let karma have her, but not always successful with this. Am very grateful she’s not in my face.

[SteelSpine]

My xh has been with this ow for almost three years. All I can continue to think is she must make him happy?! It still makes me sad actually. I have been obsessing lately. What if I didn't kick him out for lying. What if ..... ?? So many questions I know. People say it has nothing to do with us but it seriously must

I could have written Tyk’s post word for word.

This is a completely normal feeling, but I know that you have read it is not about you, it's not personal, it's about them... BLAH BLAH BLAH. So instead of going over why that is first, let's instead go over why you feel it seriously must have something to do with you.

My h is courteous to me, financially responsible, present for our boys as much as possible, and has always said he loves me, without expressly wanting also to return (except for a brief t&g last summer). His life now is quite similar to what it was before he left. The boys have made it clear to him that they do not want a relationship with the ow at all, and he respects them in this.

The ow is a similar age, good career, and although I have lots of anecdotes that indicate what an odious human being she is, she is well behaved, and has never attempted to engage with me directly.

Even though they are in my neighborhood, I have become quite good at preserving my boundaries and making sure the dysfunction doesn't come over to my side of the street.

Several months ago however, I stumbled into a situation where I was in a position to observe the two of them, undetected. I did not plan it, truly it just happened.
So, I did.
I watched my h and the ow for about half an hour. They were talking, joking, affectionate...she was telling him some story and he was smiling and engaged.  In every way they were the  picture of a stable, happy and loving couple - not for facebook, not for anyone - but just for each other. They had been together about 2.5 years at that point.

The only feeling I can describe having is a numbness, like a dentist had shot Novocaine right into my chest. No pain, just a buzzing sort of sensation.
Everything my h had said to me in the previous months and years, about being confused, about wanting to end it with her, etc. was a lie - not an mlc lie, a true lie - I knew it for certain in that half hour.
As I watched them, I realized that I was not seeing some teenage drama filled romance. My h has not regressed into some damaged part of his childhood.
What I saw was my own marriage, or what looked exactly like the marriage that I thought I had had, a couple of years before BD.

I was replaced. That's all.

That numbness has not really gone away, and it liberates me in many ways.
Grief still lingers, but I am taking good care of myself, and there are more good days than bad.

[Bewildered survivor]

OW in my situation does completely fit the criteria for ‘affair down’- ticks every box. I wrote on previous thread that it really confirms to me that MLCer is the opposite to the man I married and he is now attracted to the complete opposite. I have not had much insight from him- a couple of brief conversations after BD. So the info I have is my research into her when I first found out (she was his employee), what the girls tell me and from friends who seen things on social media as well as what I read from the 70+ messages I found when I discovered the affair.

I guess I should be thankful that it’s pretty obvious to everyone apart from H what her intentions are and that she’s a complete AD. I guess I should also be grateful (as my BF often says) that at least she isn’t younger,better looking, more successful and has nothing to offer. BUT this knowledge doesn’t make it any easier- although the opposite may have made it worse- if that makes sense 🤨?

OW has tried to contact me in the past (I had a missed call from her) and H suggested we even go for coffee at one point- yeah not happening! She isn’t good to our children and from what I’ve recently seen on social media- she is vile, vulgar, sexually inappropriate, no morals and values, hideous looking and desperate and her grown up girls are just as bad- apologise for the rant and focus on OW- but she really really is. So it baffles me that H is with this kind of woman who I thought he would never have looked at and scary that he’s so deluded that he doesn’t see any of these things!

What I struggle with the most:
- My children are exposed to her and her family. They are exposed to this kind of parenting (she smokes with her children and seems to encourage their sexually promiscuous behaviour and a whole lot more). I’m sorry if I come across as self righteous or judgemental when I say this- but I did not bring my children into this world for them to exposed to this and me and H brought them up very differently- culturally, morally and in every other way that is the opposite to this.
- My children are having to stay at OW’s (they are back today after being there since last Monday- the longest time so far 😔). They are in an environment where they not prioritised, where they have no attention from their dad and where they have to witness OW’s children being given more attention and priority than they are. Their needs are being ignored! This fills me with rage and something I don’t think I can ever forgive. However much I damage control and try to counteract what is happening- I don’t have a bandaid big enough to cover the wound this will leave on them at such a young age and important developmental stage for them. They went from being the centre of our universe and having a doting mum and dad to this. Despite this I have never stopped them from seeing their dad and am constantly conflicted about this. Most of the time I think it’s better they still see him in some capacity rather than not at all.  But then wonder if being exposed to constant rejection is more damaging. I guess I just try and be a soft landing and make up for it when they are with me so when they are older and can make their own decisions they can never say that I denied them of a relationship with their father. The thing is- if I thought he had the ability to access his love for his children and that he was fighting for them because of this love- I would feel more reassured and however much I missed them I would be ok if they were happy. But what I see is that they are being used as pawns or like objects to hurt me. He would rather have them with him to  ignore and reject, just to deny me of them. So of course he is trying to deny them of being surrounded by me and my family who will completely and utterly make them the centre of our universe while he is incapable. This is all also to hold on to the mask in front of others of being the doting father- what he used to be.
- Now OW is relevant in all of this because she is actively encouraging this (she resents my children) and is threatened by them so won’t allow H to be alone with them and expects him to prioritise her children over his own. As a mother herself that is unforgivable. My children are polite and loving and are complete victims in this. She is a big part of the reason he monsters so badly to me. However yes she is a symptom and it’s is 100% H’s fault for doing this to his own children. But it’s pretty hard not to focus on OW when H is making her the complete focus. He has always rubbed her in my face and everyone else’s. There is no admission from him that she isn’t all that important because he is utterly convinced from his actions that she is the one for him. H used to be respectable with good family values and morals- especially with his family. But he is actually humiliating them by bringing OW (who is completely unacceptable culturally) into their home (where our wedding pic is still on the wall 🤨) and I think recently even allowing her to sleep in their house and in our bed at their home. Now it is in laws fault for allowing this but I truly believe they think they will lose their son and access to grandchildren if they don’t. Same reason for why they stopped contact with me. This is killing his parents esp his mum who he also seems to have no empathy for.
- So although OW is just a symptom and although she is such an obvious AD that most people just don’t see lasting for long- she’s a pretty hard symptom to ignore (I do ignore her existence mostly in RL) and I am glad I made no contact with her at the beginning although I really don’t blame anyone who did- I came very close to it many times. When I FaceTime my girls to say goodnight she makes sure I can see her in the background. So no matter how much I try and get away from H and OW they are always there to haunt and taunt me. Their relationship seems to feed off this. 
I really really want to get to a place where I am confident that he really doesn’t love her and that she’s insignificant. But currently with legal battles on going and the obvious way in which she is sooo financially motivated I’m a long way off. 20 months after BD I am bitter that this woman has taken my children’s financial security and future away and is the part of the bomb that has blown apart our family. And I am bitter that right now it looks like she will win either way even if H walks away one day- as it’s very clear that she is aware he is having a crisis and is trying to secure herself as much as she can by somehow convincing him to spend all his money on extending her house.

Sorry for the long post-  but OW is the most painful part of his MLC. And I do feel better for being able to share my feelings about her without feeling ashamed or some how inadequate for doing so. It’s part of the process for me and although at times I agree the focus isn’t always helpful- sometimes sharing it with people who understand is helpful and reassuring to me. Although I come here to rant- I am moving forward with my life and really don’t think it’s affecting that. If however I’m still saying the same things much further down the line- when my children are grown and no longer need my protection than yes am stuck.

[Evermore]

My h has not regressed into some damaged part of his childhood.
What I saw was my own marriage, or what looked exactly like the marriage that I thought I had had, a couple of years before BD.

I was replaced. That's all.

This is my biggest fear. It paralyses me. If this is the reality in my case I feel like there would be no hope of reconciliation. And that, at the stage I am in right now, makes me feel totally panicked and like my life is over. It doesn’t matter that I know that isn’t the case. It FEELS that way. Such profound pain. My only comfort is the vets who say ‘you won’t always feel this way’. I guess I just need to hang on for now. I’m sick of feeling this way but can’t climb out of it at the moment. Tired of constantly being miserable and feeling hopeless. Being sick and tired of feeling a certain way doesn’t seem to be enough to help me to work out how to NOT feel that way.

[sachat3]

I have a question and on my own thread I’ll go into more detail regarding it. I know it’s not al for Ow to stalk social media and my personal Instagram is public as I use it for business purposes and when I was private it REALLY hindered my business. So I keep it open but I’m just selective about what I post. But as I have people who I know who follow Ow on social media due to going to university with her. But I get sent LOTS of Ow posts where she is basically morphing into me. Everything she was against at the start. She is now into. Even going as far as to make a special trip to buy the fake tan I advertised and reviews on my Instagram AND even copied the exact picture I uploaded!! Is this normal? I’ve not been “biting” to her on social media but I guess I would like yo know if this is just me or if it’s common?

[KeepItTogether]

Sach I don’t  think any OW is “normal,” at least by our standards. That she is copying you shows how she envy’s not only your life, but your obvious superior role in Hs life. Many of these OW are more trying to get our (LBS) entire lives, not just the man. If you can call him that.

Ever—your pain is palpable and I do feel what you said. We’ve all been there yes. And sometimes it still creeps in. But yes, it gets better. We’re you replaced? Yes, but I believe it is temporary. That he met her in a pub and now sees her his soulmate tells me any old thing would have done in that situation. He’s in crisis and cannot be alone.

Steel—I see how you would  think that bc everything appears so normal. My H is the same way. All seems perfectly happy. Yes he spoke with her and Smiled—truth is they are a couple now. A highly dysfunctional one. The way this “R” started is hardly sustainable. And that they are well behaved in public and act all couple-y doesn’t erase the fact that the R is built on lies and deceit. I’ve seen pics of my H and his OW at events. They look like a couple. Happy, enjoying their evening out. Day later he’s  texting me that he hasn’t been happy in years and cries every day.

 

[Songanddance]

If it helps H's OW had long hair like me. Liked all the things I liked and did all the hobbies that I do. Her FB showed that she read most of the books or liked the films I liked. She was a busy woman holding down a well paid job etc....

She is 10 yrs younger.  Apart from the fact that she was an OW - I can find little alternative reason as to why H chose her other than she made him feel "good" and he even said " OW reminds me of how you used to be" 

So WTF? was my eventual response.  What was it about her that made her so compelling? 
She was needy and I wasn't so H to the rescue.
She listened and soothed his  "Poor me"  and I would say "  Sorry about that - and what are you going to do about it?" 

3.5 yrs on - she's gone!

There are a whole host of "reasons" why the OP is with your MLCer.  What's important to remember is that she/he is a willing pawn in your MLCer's behaviour and it really is not a genuine criticism of you or your marriage.