[Nas]

What Steel said about seeing them together when they were alone and didn’t know anyone was watching really struck me. I think we all want to believe that when no one is around they’re fighting or treating each other badly. That’s just not logical though. They do enjoy each other’s company a lot, if not most of the time. Otherwise they couldn’t last for years and years.

[Nas]

I think, more than what draws them to the OW, what would really interest me is what ultimately turns them away from the OW. I would absolutely love to hear MLCers say what it was that made them look at the OW and think “this isn’t what I want.”

Of course we’ll probably never get that information. 👎🏻

[sachat3]

Well at the start Ow was polar opposite to me. When I first started reading that they usually go after a colleague, I had in my head who H would go for. It wasn’t Ow as she was so far off his type. Whereas now she’s turning herself into his type.

I used to annoy me getting sent her posts whereas now I just laugh at them but then I also know this helps me build a character of her so I have more to go off if H ever says he wants her to meet my kids. I can give him exhibits a b c d etc.

I know they argue quite a bit because in my case, you would believe Ow was 10. She uploaded the “men ain’t sh!t” quotes every other day when they argue and when I see him. If they have argued I can tell by his mood. I know they don’t always argue. But they do argue a fair bit. In my case, whilst they have been together over a year. The actual amount of time that they spend in each other’s company is only a few hours per week. As they both work full time and H spends every other day with the kids! So in some respects. It’s still new.

But it would be interesting to get a MLCers POV

[Acorn]

I think, more than what draws them to the OW, what would really interest me is what ultimately turns them away from the OW. I would absolutely love to hear MLCers say what it was that made them look at the OW and think “this isn’t what I want.”

Of course we’ll probably never get that information. 👎🏻

Our marriage and I did not make my H emotionally depart and start  A.
(I’m not going to discuss the proof of it here.)

I think the same reasoning might be true when he severed his R with OW and started to turn toward me and the kids.

I’m not sure if I shared this back in January after our monumental R talk.
He volunteered to me: ‘After I severed the affair relationship, she kept contacting me but I told her that I love my wife and I want to be 100% faithful to her.’ 

So, his exit from the affair had very little to do with her but everything to do with him.  His healing and journey toward self actualization took him to a place where he wanted to recommit himself to me and our marriage. 

I’m talking about my situation only. 

[Evertrying]

what ultimately turns them away from the OW. I would absolutely love to hear MLCers say what it was that made them look at the OW and think “this isn’t what I want.”

My H told me the attraction at first was the "Unicorn Land of Escape", but once the newness started to wear off and living two lives became exhausting, the relationship started to wear thin. He also said the OW was becoming needy and started to demand more of his time. I asked him once if he couldn't or wouldn't give her more time and he said "both". He didn't want to give her more time and was glad she was married,,,
He HATES needy women and said she wasn't that way in the beginning but I think he was afraid she was going to do something to try and get in touch with me. Something he wasn't afraid of at the start of the affair.
He said the affair had run its course but he didn't know how to get his butt out of a bad situation he created. I think he planned to quit his job and then just ghost her, but I caught him and he had to end it before he left his old job.
He also said she was in debt up to her eyeballs and was "messy".  He HATES messy and knows that I am NOT.
Eventually he realized he didn't want to take all that on. Besides, MLCer's want it to be all about them and now it was going to be all about his AP. Now that she's history, he is dealing with the other aspects of MLC instead of running away and escaping.
Whether or not we stay together is still up in the air but I am living MY life as I see fit. If he wants to join in the fun so be it. If he wants to wallow in his MLC, that's his choice. Not my circus, not my monkees.

[Treasur]

So, his exit from the affair had very little to do with her but everything to do with him.  His healing and journey toward self actualization took him to a place where he wanted to recommit himself to me and our marriage. 

I’m talking about my situation only.

Makes sense, Acorn.
Going into it was about what was in his head and who he was then...as little to do with ow as with you.
Leaving it would work the same way.
Of course some may stay in it bc they stay stuck, some can see no way out or back probably, some may feel obligated to ow particularly if they have remarried or had a child, some eventually find another magic fix of some kind. And some I guess may feel that they are no longer the same person and are happy with the choices they have made even if they feel regret or even remorse about how they did it.
But it is still all about what is in their head isn't it? It was never about us and will never be unless, as in your case, they decide that they want a choice which involves us in their life. And then we get a choice too of course depending what is in OUR heads and how we have changed.

[Evertrying]

And then we get a choice too of course depending what is in OUR heads and how we have changed.

Oh so true. I thought for the longest time that MLC only changed the person going through it. I was wrong. I have changed sooooo much because of my H's MLC and for the better. Though it's hurt and been bumpy along the way, I am starting to feel the strength I never knew I had in me.
It's very liberating and I know I make the choices for ME & MY LIFE now. They do not revolve around him and his MLC.

[heroIam]

I've never been convinced my H is in MLC. 

Today, I see it as......if he isn't home, it means he doesn't want to be here.  End of story.  OW or no OW.  It isn't about OW.
And what that has taught me is that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me.
I still love and care for my H.  And I also know that he has to find his own way.

It took me 4 years to figure that out...




 

[JoJoJo]

I think, more than what draws them to the OW, what would really interest me is what ultimately turns them away from the OW. I would absolutely love to hear MLCers say what it was that made them look at the OW and think “this isn’t what I want.”

Of course we’ll probably never get that information. 👎🏻

You know how when the light switches on in a dark room the cockroaches scatter?  Well I turned the light on....
I knew, the kids knew, his family knew, our friends knew....

He has said that actually the "relationship" part of the affair was over long before....but she was his office manager and he was "stuck" with her.  He couldn't fire her.  He couldn't tell me.  He couldn't end it with her.  So he felt stuck....

She was really just enjoying all the power at work and all the money.  She had pushed her salary to the limit, she was using our company credit card to fill her gas tank, buy her groceries, buy clothing as "uniform expense", etc...  to the tune of $1,000 to $2,000 a month!

But when I found out and I filed for divorce he took his lawyer's advice to have ZERO conversation with her.....strictly business....and he told her that.  She was PISSY but he said he didn't care.  He saw the pain he had caused to our children and me....and it had to stop and he had to try to navigate the divorce to do the least amount of excess damage, he had to end that part of it.  And he did.....

[Bewildered survivor]

Well kids came back today after over a week with their dad and OW. They shared that the worst part of it was that he took OW to his parents with them & her daughter & she stayed at their house for the first time. So his family obviously don’t have the strength to say no but still have our wedding pic on the wall & a pic of me & him with D10 when she was a baby (although it’s come down from top of shelf to bottom). They said OW & her D9 were acting show offy and that as soon as they got in car to come back OW said I’m desperate for a cigarette & pint of beer and he said she should have gone in garden for one. Kids said they were shocked as that would have been completely inappropriate in their family & the fact that he would even suggest it means “daddy’s gone mad”.

I also had a lightbulb moment hearing that as I’m starting to see that this all seems to be a complete rebellion against his parents & nothing to do with me. Out of respect I would rarely even have a drink in front of them (not culturally appropriate) & H hated me even having a social cigarette every 6 months with a drink. I never dreamt of doing it front of him because he hated it so much. In fact the one cigarette every 6 months or so caused such a problem when we first got married as he said I was his wife and he didn’t like me doing something that affected my health.

So it really is land of opposites in my case.