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Author Topic: Mirror-Work The difference of a bitter lbs and accepting what is

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I agree the opposite of love isn't anger and hate..those are still emotions.
It's indifference, that is the opposite of love.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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A person can not be angry, bitter and just done. In fact, if a person is still bitter and angry they aren't really done because they still have strong feelings. Done is more like Indifference.


I see it more like a choice, I choose to consider myself as done and not standing. I still have feelings, probably always will, they come and go, positive and negative.
Angry sometimes but not feeling bitterness, at least I don't recognize it and try never become bitter as it's like "losing twice" to me.
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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What an interesting exercise in self reflection. :D

I know when I describe other people if they are bitter or not. The most bitter person I ever met was my mother. She has spewed the same sludge for 32 years. I see bitterness akin to victim hood as they seem to go hand in hand. But similar to Barbie I wanted to really define what bitterness was and look at myself in this situation.

Looking back even after bomb drop I think my feelings have been:
Anger: due to injustice, betrayal, lack of help
Sorrow: loss of my marriage, dreams, best friend
Questioning: was it real, was it all a lie....
Hope

And if I am really honest, sometime there has been a smidge of relief and wonder. What else could be out there? What are other people like? What have I been missing that I didn't even know?

All the different emotions and I still can't find bitterness. The closest I can remember would be BD day, when I found out about the call, and I was so pissed I threatened to march to his work to talk about it there because he was hiding from it. I was tired of hiding from the whole thing, I packed all his clothes into totes to send to MIL until he got himself sorted. But what I was feeling was FURY, and it burned hot before dying off to shock and sorrow.

For a small time after I would think about things like writing a letter to his work to get them both in trouble, or plastering her face all over the centre as a skank...outting them on FB....egging her house.... Lots and lots of crazy ideas, but I never acted on them. I am not sure if those are considered part of bitterness or more a residual anger lingering. I lean toward the latter.

Barbie I thought your post was really great and insightful. That bitterness is probably a very deep thing, with how we are programmed, and how we deal with it as a person.

My mother is a very bitter woman, she has been bitter her whole life. Don't get me wrong she has every right to be. She has all the horrible things that can happen to a woman happen to her over her life time. I can completely understand why she is the way she is. But I also see that her bitterness keeps her lonely, in pain, and she never truly feels loved. Ever. She still lives in what happened between her and my father on a daily basis, and he has been dead for over 4 years now (and they split when I was 3!).

I wonder if my ability to see that, and see her pain, is what helps me not to fall into it.

Ok maybe I'll ask this question of everyone.

Would you consider it being bitter if someone wanted nothing to do with an ex again? Can't a person not be angry, mad or bitter just done?

I'd find it hard to believe if someone told me they still had some kind of relationship with every single relatives they have or friend they have ever met in their life. Don't people grow and can grow apart? Have little in common. It wasn't a big fight, it just ended?

No one here has ever had a friendship/relationship (relative or no) that there was no way of getting along with that other person. Or they (or you did)  did something distrustful and it ended?

I agree with Anjae that you aren't done if you are bitter. You are stuck in a perpetual reliving of the harm that was done to you. Every single day that you wake up thinking about what happened to you just hurts you more. Every plot you come up with, every idea to get them back...to make them pay... You are never done because you never let it go, and it eats you up piece by piece.

Personally I have very little to do with old friends and family. As a kid I had a few best friends but we moved a lot so none ever lasted as long distance friends. My family is about as dysfunctional as it gets. I managed to repair some of my relationship with my father before he died. My mother has a list of problems including bitter victim hood, bipolar, and a selfish streak that is almost impressive. We have never been close because we are so very different. I remember as a child I would have done anything for my mother, but she would not have done the same for me. That broke something that will never be fixed. I do not feel anger or bitterness to her, I just feel indifferent or apart. I love her because she holds the title of mother, but I wouldn't say she ''feels'' like my mother. I get occasional phone calls where I am akin to her therapist, she never asks about how I am doing...even knowing my situation. My sister is basically satan reincarnated so...when I left the only time I have spoken to her is my dad's funeral. I likely won't speak to her again until my mother's. After that...probably never.

I effectively cut my whole family out of my life, but I didn't do it out of bitterness or anger. I did it because I was done. These people had caused me so much pain in my childhood, and would continue to do so if I allowed it. We have extremely different views on the world, values, and...perspectives. It was easier and safer to be alone than be with them. So I left. I do not think it was bitterness, as I wish them no harm, and hope each one finds their own happiness...but I just couldn't tolerate anymore pain from them. Effectively I feel indifferent to them for the most part, and I am sure if one passes I will be sad for a time...but it honestly will not be something I am crying over years later.

In terms of distrustful I could fill up an entire 15 page forum with it. But I suppose one of the big things my mom did to break my trust even further than it was  ::) was when I got married. I left my mother over 3K so that her and my satan sister could buy dresses and fly out for my wedding. I made the mistake to assume my mother would want to see her oldest child (and likely only one to get married) on her wedding day.  :o I knew my mother ''would never have the money'' so I gave it to her. She sent links to pick out dresses, asked about flights, asked where they would stay....and then she used all the money to get herself into a new rental house instead. She never came to my wedding even though I had gave her the money. I can not tell you how much that hurt, for years afterwards. Still I did not become bitter toward her, it made me angry for a time because I was hurt, but then I just reset to indifferent.
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I left my mother over 3K so that her and my satan sister could buy dresses and fly out for my wedding. I made the mistake to assume my mother would want to see her oldest child (and likely only one to get married) on her wedding day.  :o I knew my mother ''would never have the money'' so I gave it to her. She sent links to pick out dresses, asked about flights, asked where they would stay....and then she used all the money to get herself into a new rental house instead. She never came to my wedding even though I had gave her the money. I can not tell you how much that hurt, for years afterwards. Still I did not become bitter toward her, it made me angry for a time because I was hurt, but then I just reset to indifferent.
This is horrific beaut, im so sorry. They say that you can choose your friends but not your family  :-[
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T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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For a small time after I would think about things like writing a letter to his work to get them both in trouble, or plastering her face all over the centre as a skank...outting them on FB....egging her house.... Lots and lots of crazy ideas, but I never acted on them. I am not sure if those are considered part of bitterness or more a residual anger lingering. I lean toward the latter.

Lingering residual anger, I would say. Nothing wrong with, early on, have that type of thoughts. We want justice, to make them suffer and maybe even revenge. All normal human feelings. The only problem is when they still exist years down the road.

Agree with Song, there is a difference between feeling bitter, that can be a thing of the moment about any matter, and being bitter.

LBS aren't supposed to erase all human feelings, we all feel less good things, often non-MLC related, at times.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Lingering residual anger, I would say. Nothing wrong with, early on, have that type of thoughts. We want justice, to make them suffer and maybe even revenge. All normal human feelings. The only problem is when they still exist years down the road.


Agree, recognizing anger and coping with it is important phase in any divorce (or any R breakdown)  when not mutually agreed. Denying it won't make it disappear for good but creates bitterness.
Anger is considered as 'negative' feeling, but actually it has an important role from getting emotional distance from our ex's. I see anger as very pure and honest feeling which has to be accepted and at least somehow dealed with and not letting it turn inwards, against oneself.

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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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I effectively cut my whole family out of my life, but I didn't do it out of bitterness or anger. I did it because I was done. These people had caused me so much pain in my childhood, and would continue to do so if I allowed it. We have extremely different views on the world, values, and...perspectives. It was easier and safer to be alone than be with them. So I left. I do not think it was bitterness, as I wish them no harm, and hope each one finds their own happiness...but I just couldn't tolerate anymore pain from them. Effectively I feel indifferent to them for the most part, and I am sure if one passes I will be sad for a time...but it honestly will not be something I am crying over years later.

This makes me so sad and at the same time so grateful.
My sister and I are very close and close enough to be honest, say it like it is and each of us has the other's back.  I was brought up in a small family and the values instilled in me were about kindness and respect (sometimes to my own detriment where I later discovered led to a needing of self worth). I only have  and ever had one aunt and my two cousins and I are now much closer both geographically as well as emotionally as we have aged.  Our parents died a few years apart over 22 yrs ago now.

I find it so sad that so many of you on here did not have a happy childhood and did not feel valued or treated with respect at any age.  I almost cannot understand (MLC aside)  why mothers or fathers would treat their children or relatives in such a way. I do understand that there will always be issues that may be driving that but as a mother myself I couldn't treat my daughter the way your mother treated you Mortes.  I just don't get it. It's so wrong, just so wrong.

I am also full of admiration for those of you (and sadly it seems that there are many of you on here)  who made the decision to break with toxic people in families and to face your future head on regardless of such family conflict.  All respect to you all.
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« Last Edit: May 03, 2019, 02:18:47 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

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I have 3 cousins who are all sisters. Their mom left when they were young, and they were raised by their father...they are so close. Best friends whose children have grown up together.

I truly wish that could have been me and my sisters, but it just never was or could be. I often wonder why that is. Why some siblings are so close, why we aren't. I suppose just like people deal with situations based on their personality.....the environment shaped us as siblings. We could have bonded through the trauma and gotten stronger, but the things that were done to us divided us. There are some horrific things I could tell you about those days, but suffice it to say my father thought it amusing to pit us against each other almost like fighting dogs in a pit....and punish us all as a group for one person's mistakes. It was never going to be possible for us to bond meaningfully. I loved my sisters so much when I was a kid, in fact probably until I was in my 20s.

My youngest sister is only a half sister, so she was often with her mother and we were the step kids.

My satan sister thinks everything bad that happened in our childhood is my fault...she finds fault in everything I do. She was mad I was there, was mad when I left, hell she even tried to say something that happened to her daughter was my fault and I had been living here for 12 years.  :o :o  She is just mad at the world, and still is.

But I would have loved to have a best friend/sister. To go shopping at the mall, and talk about boys, and fight over nail polish. It always seemed so nice.

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Is throwing a truth dart sounding like a bitter lbs?
My h cant handle them and gets very angry.  Maybe it is not a good idea but i feel if  i dont then h thinks im ok with some of the things he does. 
He recently went on vacation with ow and her 4 kids.  but doesnt have money now for d 19 knee brace for $700 she needs after surgery.  of course i said he was too busy spending money on someone elses kids. He says he doesnt spend money on them (ha ha) and they were just there on vacation but not with him . (great justification) 
So do i sound bitter? jealous?  or just realistic?
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I tend to let a truth dart throw itself...

But when I do use them it is in humour with just enough bite to make him think.

I think ''You are too busy spending money on someone else's kids'' does make you sound jealous. Next time try something like ''Yeah vacations will do that to you''.

You don't have to mention OW or her kids. Just a simple well placed fact. HE knows he spent it on a vacation and OW. You look like you are just being polite and agreeing that vacations are costly. He will do all the work for you.  ;)
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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