Skip to main content

Author Topic: Mirror-Work The difference of a bitter lbs and accepting what is

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1326
  • Gender: Female
I dont know why i thought of this , this morning. I have been watching alot of movies lately. like the title says the difference of lbs
  watch the movie  "A scorned woman "   The betty broderick story.. i see this movie and think she is nuts but can sympathize with her at the same time... the bitter lbs
The second movie  "its complicated" more of a comedy but lbs accepted and moved on.
Which do you want to be? I myself go back and forth. probably why im stuck.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 03:38:01 AM by OldPilot »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3567
  • Gender: Male
I see myself more of the "its complicated" where lbs accepted and moved on.
There are times though where the MLCer can come back and haunt you and start a cycle of "A scorned woman ". Its all "Grey" now as a LBS, there is no more "Black or White" I believe.
  • Logged
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1195
  • Gender: Female
I'm somewhere in the middle.. I'm not bitter but haven't really accepted it's over so I haven't moved on.. I'm in my own fog I guess! I think there's difference as well between what we understand intellectually and what we feel  :-\
  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2169
  • Gender: Male
Accepting bitterness is double loss. Accepting anger and coping with it, burning it away little by little, is the way to avoid becoming bitter.
I'd fight bitterness in every way because who it would poison would be only me. Don't want to and won't let to.
  • Logged
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10578
  • Gender: Female
Definitely "It's Complicated".

The MLCer has taken a great deal away from our lives. I want freedom to live a full and joyful life, because life still exists and there are many beautiful things to experience.

I understand better, that when all is going well in life, we don't really pay attention at all..but we do not understand that bad things happen, they happen to everyone at some time or another....

The pain is excruciating when our beloved ones have a MLC, but I am also grateful that it is not I who have to face those demons.
  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3307
  • Gender: Female
Which do you want to be?

You mean ‘which one are you’?  All the answers seem to point to that. 
I’m asking because I cannot wrap my head around the notion that anyone would CHOOSE to be bitter.
Maybe it’s just semantics.

Assuming that no one wants to remain in the poison of bitterness, the follow up question might be:

How does holding on to bitterness serve you?
If it does serve you, in what way?
It it does not serve you, how do you let go of it?

If I’m barking up the wrong tree, my apologies.

  • Logged
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1220
  • Gender: Female
I’ve not watched these movies but “it’s complicated” is on my list of movies to watch when I eventually get time ha!

I think, if were totally honest, most of us probably were bitter after BD. I know I was for probably the first 5 months after BD and I think that’s natural when I was in effect 26 years old at the time, at home raising 3 kids (6,4,1 at the time) whilst my Ex could pop in for a hour or two and live his fancy life with his Ow. Go on weekends away, etc etc. Ofcourse I was bitter but that didn’t last long. Around the 4-5 month post BD I hit the “what will he will be” mentality. I do believe in my gut H will want to return but who knows by then one or the magic mike men may have gotten my number and persistently started pestering for a date 🤷🏻‍♀️  I live my life for me and my kids. I do things for me.

I was bitter for a bit and I owned that. Now it’s time for me to own the next chapter of my journey.
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1651
  • Gender: Female
I would def be more COMPLICATED!

I was lucky in that I was never bitter.  There were times I said that it would have been easier for me if I could have hated the MLC man that walked out of our lives.

I couldn't.  I knew the day he walked that something was wrong.  I didn't know what, but my gut told me things just don't happen this way.  It is not normal.

I have no intent on moving on....I am however MOVING FORWARD!

I choose not to be bitter and scorned.  I am accepting life as it is now and living it to the fullest.  H has the opportunity to join my ride which is steady with no huge mountains to climb or stay on his rollercoaster.  Right now he is firmly planted in the front seat of the coaster...looking for the next thrill as the bottom is dropping out on him.  His choice.

Mine is to do the things that make me content.  Time with family!  Volunteering for charities and good causes.  Relaxing!  Supporting my LBS friends!

My choice daily is to be happy! 
Make the best of everyday!
Try to make a positive difference even if it is only in a small way!
Smile and laugh as much as possible!
Stay healthy through all of this!  Physically!  Mentally and Spiritually!
Most matter how bad things may matter how dreary things may seem...there is something good and positive in my life.  It is my responsibility to find it!
I got this!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1161
  • Gender: Female
Accepting, not bitter - have never been bitter, just sad at his choices.
  • Logged
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11794
  • Gender: Female
I talked about this with my SO..Again we do not see ourselves as bitter or jaded towards relationships with the opposite sex or let's face it we wouldn't be in one.

 Now bitter towards our exs?

Their are some things we have on our list about them we consider unforgivable. Therefore these would stand against any re-connection reconciliation. Does that make us bitter? Just because we want nothing to do with people who chose to inflict as much pain as they did? I think not.

You forgive yourself first for accepting such terrible treatment, then forgive them and have nothing more to do with them.

 For me acceptance of a situation doesn't mean you have to make an effort and actively participate in their lives, or have them in yours.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 09:30:40 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.


Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.