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Author Topic: Mirror-Work The difference of a bitter lbs and accepting what is

S
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If you throw a truth dart use a neutral tone.

Morte is correct that when you make a point of sounding as though blame is being apportioned it makes you sound bitter.

EG instead of saying " Well no wonder you have no money if you keep spending it on OW/other things"

Say " I'm sorry you have no money; that's what happens when you keep spending it ." 

You don't need to say what on - he will know that. By stepping back and leaving it open the MLCer knows enough to accept that it's actually his problem.

You can be more direct with other situations. One of my favourite when H would monster about why he had to see OW and was throwing blame my or the children's way was " I'm sorry you feel that way but you know it's not true" and walk away.

MLCers know; and developing truth darts takes time but the neutral tone is a must.
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You could always simply ask "I don't understand. You had money for a vacation, but not any for Ds brace? How did that happen?" Then they have to truth dart themselves.  But it has to be delivered in a completely neutral tone.

When ExH decided that S needed to be a resident of the state where ExH lives and S is going to school, I could no longer insure S on my car insurance. ExH monstered, telling me I was trying to punish S. I simply said, "You decided to tell S to become a resident of that state without discussing it with me or asking if there would be any problems. As a result,  $20,000 more was spent for tuition that didn't need to be spent and I am unable to insure S on my car insurance. You now need to find him insurance." All facts, all truth. Straight up. I paid none of the additional tuition. I'm not paying for someone else's stupidity, but note I didn't say that.  ;D

I definitely still feel bitter from time to time, but it's not my lifestyle.An interesting observation about MLCers I have known. They all seemed very bitter, as if it was some other entity that caused them all their pain when it was really their own choices that got them where they were. Are bitterness and blame bedfellows? Can you have bitterness without blame?
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

S
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Are bitterness and blame bedfellows? Can you have bitterness without blame?

Good question.  I would like to say yes but then trying to think about a situation where I have been bitter (before any MLC) and was that a result of blame.  Not always.  I was passed over at work for promotion and was bitter for a while but there was no direct cause of blame.  Looking back I know it was the right decision because I was better not doing that particular job (if that makes sense).
I have been rejected for roles and been a bit bitter (I know I would be better) but still no-one to blame.

However this level of bitterness is short term, transitory and essentially small fry and usually borne (as in my case) out of a need to be validated.

MLC LBS bitterness is up a few levels.....
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m
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MLC LBS bitterness is up a few levels.....

As it should be!

When someone has repeatedly LIED to you after promising to love and honor you forever, it's a betrayal like no other.  I think even Mother Theresa would be rendered speechless.

We've all "earned" any bitterness that has ensued, IMO.  For me, I'll never be able to trust anyone ever again.  Bitterness?  Perhaps.  But also the sad reality.....
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MLC LBS bitterness is up a few levels.....

As it should be!

When someone has repeatedly LIED to you after promising to love and honor you forever, it's a betrayal like no other.  I think even Mother Theresa would be rendered speechless.

We've all "earned" any bitterness that has ensued, IMO.  For me, I'll never be able to trust anyone ever again.  Bitterness?  Perhaps.  But also the sad reality.....

You are right. We have earned the right to be as bitter as we like.

But it only holds you back, and keeps you stuck as a victim in your story.

Do you want to be the victim or the hero?
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Nas

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Bitterness doesn’t feel good. Not at all. Feeling angry and resentful is life draining. No one “earns” the feeling of bitterness like a hard won prize.
The hard won prize is when we get to a place of moving past the bitterness. Doesn’t mean forget. Doesn’t mean forgive. But imho you can’t get anywhere good if you don’t jump the first hurdle of letting the bitterness go.
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J
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Is throwing a truth dart sounding like a bitter lbs?
My h cant handle them and gets very angry.  Maybe it is not a good idea but i feel if  i dont then h thinks im ok with some of the things he does. 
He recently went on vacation with ow and her 4 kids.  but doesnt have money now for d 19 knee brace for $700 she needs after surgery.  of course i said he was too busy spending money on someone elses kids. He says he doesnt spend money on them (ha ha) and they were just there on vacation but not with him . (great justification) 
So do i sound bitter? jealous?  or just realistic?

That's about the worst thing a man can do, spending $ on someone else's kids when his own kid is in need!

I'm struggling with the same concept that you are; I so desperately want to get my husband to see and understand some truth, but because the truth is always something negative about him, the truth makes him angry, and if he gets angry at anything I say, then suddenly I'm a terrible person in his eyes, especially because nobody else is saying anything negative about him… Because no one else knows him well enough, or spends enough time interacting with him, to get past the veneer of formal politeness to see what he's really like. I don't know what the right answer is for your situation, but unfortunately for my own situation I mostly end up biting my tongue, because in the bigger picture, having as little negativity as possible in our interactions is the higher goal, rather than trying to get him to accept truth that he isn't ready to hear yet.
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m
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Do you want to be the victim or the hero?

Interesting conundrum.

Because what separates a "hero" from a "sad sack?"  At least the term "victim" is finite, and clearly defined....
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« Last Edit: May 04, 2019, 02:31:50 PM by megogirl »

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I think they win if we let bitterness infect our lives and how we see the world actually.
Perhaps not being bitter is a special kind of FU to crazy nasty people.  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

S
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I think even Mother Theresa would be rendered speechless.

She may have been but she would also have been able to forgive. Mother Teresa had to contend with a lot and never lost her grace, dignity or compassion for others whilst retaining an inner steel core.

We could all learn a lot from her. 
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

 

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