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Author Topic: Mirror-Work The difference of a bitter lbs and accepting what is

m
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  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
I know, I know...."love them anyway."

I've tried to make that my mantra for Standing.  But when he called OW "my girlfriend" in the (latest) police interview/report, that was the straw that broke this camel's back.

Unlike Mother Theresa, I just don't have the wherewithal to forgive any longer. 

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s
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I think they win if we let bitterness infect our lives and how we see the world actually.
Perhaps not being bitter is a special kind of FU to crazy nasty people.  :)

I love this whole comment but especially the enlarged, boldened sentence.  There is some special kind of FU to crazy, nasty people about it.  I can't think of any better way to get even, then to survive this and LIVE WELL!  Oh yea... that's evening the score beautifully and with grace. 

Hugs Stayed
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K
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L or C,  yes I think that is the worst thing a man can do is spend money on someone elses kids than his own.   My  d needs  a knee brace after her surgery. I am not asking him to pay for a concert or something fun for d.   All I can hope for is that trip made him feel so bad about what he is doing. like not being there for d. He left right after her surgery and was not around  the days after to help.  maybe drop off a lunch or something to that affect.  I took a couple days off, which I lost money for ( not that i cared) but he went on to spend money and take someone elses kids to get pizza while my d was in pain and nauseous.  SO firetruckING WRONG ! HOw can one not be bitter about that?
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N
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I think they win if we let bitterness infect our lives and how we see the world actually.
Perhaps not being bitter is a special kind of FU to crazy nasty people.  :)

I love this whole comment but especially the enlarged, boldened sentence.  There is some special kind of FU to crazy, nasty people about it.  I can't think of any better way to get even, then to survive this and LIVE WELL!  Oh yea... that's evening the score beautifully and with grace. 

Hugs Stayed

Also, if they are able to accuse us of bitterness,  it justifies their decisions.  I don’t think eschewing bitterness has to include forgiveness, but it does take detachment, which is why it can be hard when our children are affected.

One thing I feel, more and more, is that we expect them to think like we do.  Since their actions are often quite bizarre, we need to begin to realise that a significant proportion of these people do. It think like us.  Perhaps this is a temporary state or perhaps more permanent.  But their wiring is working differently. There are a number of reasons why, to do with mental health through to personality adaptations or as far as diagnosable disorders.  But reaching out to point out their wrong thinking is NOT going to persuade them to say “Oh yes, now you mention it, my actions are wrong and I will change them”.

So truth darts applied rarely, and neutrally might just have a tiny effect eventually, but don’t bet on it.
Much better to apply all the strength we can muster into growing meaning within our own lives and families.  There are genuine reasons why they might come around eventually, but these are to do with guilt and reparation and often have to do with seeing that they haven’t destroyed us as,subconsciously, many of them fear.  Bitterness frightens them because it shows we are damaged.  (It’s more complex than that but for them to discover if they wanted)   That’s why detachment is pushed so hard here and is key for us whatever the outcome. 
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Hello,

Quote
but he went on to spend money and take someone elses kids to get pizza while my d was in pain and nauseous.  SO firetruckING WRONG ! HOw can one not be bitter about that?

That's not bitter, that's outrageous. From my perspective, I always felt bitter described an overall resentment and anger that spilled into all aspects of life. In other words, the anger is not just directed at the cause, but in all interactions.

The worker at the job that is angry and mean to everyone, or the person hurt in a relationship that won't let anyone close to them ever again. To me, that's my definition of bitter.

In your situation, you didn't lash out at you daughter or yell at the doctors. You were justifiable in your anger at you h for his treatment of his daughter. His actions caused an appropriate reaction.

If I saw a stranger hitting a child, I would be angry and intervene. That's not being bitter. However, if I take that issue and assume all people hit children and live my life angry- that's bitter.

Just my opinion,

(((((Ready)))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Do you want to be the victim or the hero?

Interesting conundrum.

Because what separates a "hero" from a "sad sack?"  At least the term "victim" is finite, and clearly defined....

What separates a hero from a ''sad sack'' is their character. The ability to get up, even after being knocked down, and try again. To push forward even against the odds, as a team or all alone. To fight a battle no one thinks they can win. Doing whatever it takes to get the job done.

Every famous hero could be viewed as a victim. They always have a dark part in their story. Where the villain, or bag guys, or circumstance, knocked them flat out on their ass. It is what they choose to do afterwards that determines if they are the victim or the hero. The same is very true in life.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

N

Nas

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I think they win if we let bitterness infect our lives and how we see the world actually.
Perhaps not being bitter is a special kind of FU to crazy nasty people.  :)

I love this whole comment but especially the enlarged, boldened sentence.  There is some special kind of FU to crazy, nasty people about it.  I can't think of any better way to get even, then to survive this and LIVE WELL!  Oh yea... that's evening the score beautifully and with grace. 

Hugs Stayed

Also, if they are able to accuse us of bitterness,  it justifies their decisions.  I don’t think eschewing bitterness has to include forgiveness, but it does take detachment, which is why it can be hard when our children are affected.

One thing I feel, more and more, is that we expect them to think like we do.  Since their actions are often quite bizarre, we need to begin to realise that a significant proportion of these people do. It think like us.  Perhaps this is a temporary state or perhaps more permanent.  But their wiring is working differently. There are a number of reasons why, to do with mental health through to personality adaptations or as far as diagnosable disorders.  But reaching out to point out their wrong thinking is NOT going to persuade them to say “Oh yes, now you mention it, my actions are wrong and I will change them”.

So truth darts applied rarely, and neutrally might just have a tiny effect eventually, but don’t bet on it.
Much better to apply all the strength we can muster into growing meaning within our own lives and families.  There are genuine reasons why they might come around eventually, but these are to do with guilt and reparation and often have to do with seeing that they haven’t destroyed us as,subconsciously, many of them fear.  Bitterness frightens them because it shows we are damaged.  (It’s more complex than that but for them to discover if they wanted)   That’s why detachment is pushed so hard here and is key for us whatever the outcome.

This.

Do you want to be the victim or the hero?

Interesting conundrum.

Because what separates a "hero" from a "sad sack?"  At least the term "victim" is finite, and clearly defined....

What separates a hero from a ''sad sack'' is their character. The ability to get up, even after being knocked down, and try again. To push forward even against the odds, as a team or all alone. To fight a battle no one thinks they can win. Doing whatever it takes to get the job done.

Every famous hero could be viewed as a victim. They always have a dark part in their story. Where the villain, or bag guys, or circumstance, knocked them flat out on their ass. It is what they choose to do afterwards that determines if they are the victim or the hero. The same is very true in life.

And this.
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A
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Immediately following BD, I caught myself sticking a straw into a glass of poison of bitterness. 
It frightened me enough to seek to change my perspective and acquire different habits of thinking about what just had happened to me.  I searched on how to go about it.  I found the following in my MLC info folder.  It was a mirror for me.  It describes what I didn’t want end up to be.

Here it is for what it is worth.

———————
Persons harboring bitterness frequently display the following characteristics:

Verbal and Emotional Cruelty

A bitter person might temporarily purge their inner hurt and anger by saying things and doing things that hurt the feelings of others. Somehow, it makes the bitter individual feel better for a minute to see someone else suffer as they perceive themselves to be unfairly suffering.

Hatred

Sometimes feelings of anger and inner pain rise to the level of genuine loathing. The more chronic or intense the bitterness a person has, the more likely they are to develop feelings of hatred.

Implacability

Sometimes, there is simply no pleasing a bitter person. Although others might be manipulated at times into attempting to soothe the pain they’re in, the bitter person cannot really be placated by an external source because the root of their unhappiness is strictly internal.

Self-Pity

The bitter person often feels cheated by others and short-changed by life in general. It’s almost impossible for such a person to experience genuine gratitude because of how much they feel they’ve been denied their due. They often feel so sorry for themselves that it’s very hard for anyone else to feel sorry for them.

Antagonism

When a person is chronically bitter, they’re often in the process of looking for a fight. If no immediate opportunity exists for a battle, they might just provoke one. They’ll say or do something to get a ruckus started. After it’s over, they feel a little better, while almost everyone else is only embittered toward them.

Vindictiveness

Frequently on the lookout for perceived slights, bitter people often look for ways to get back at those they view as having neglected, abused, disrespected, or ignored them. Vengeful and spiteful, they seek to cause anguish in the lives of those whom they view as being insufficiently caring or concerned about them.

Pathological Pride

From the bitter person’s point of view, it’s the world that’s done them wrong and deserves the full expression of their righteous wrath. Bring their hateful behavior to their attention, and attempt to get them to see how it’s led to their alienation from others, and you’ll only find yourself proving their point about how uncaring, insensitive, and hurtful others can be.

Animosity and Resentment

It’s hard for the bitter soul to experience joy at the success or well-being of others. Instead, the bitter person views the good fortune of someone else as more evidence that they have not been given a fair shake themselves.

Infantile Narcissism

The bitter person simply cannot see beyond their immediate wants. They are inherently emotionally needy. And the intensity of their neediness severely impairs their capacity to be mindful of the needs and feelings of others.

From: https://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/09/19/high-cost-bitterness/
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« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 11:25:13 AM by Acorn »
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Oh dear, Acorn...it is like a set of MLC ingredients isn't it?
What an interesting list. Makes you wonder just how bitter our spouses are/were....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

A
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MLC ingredients, they are.
I think they equally apply to LBS as well.
In fact, I had the thread title (...a bitter LBS...) in my mind when I searched for the article in my stash.

My thinking is that just as happiness and love are choice, so are bitterness and hatred. 
If I had thought ‘I cannot help being bitter’, I would not have searched the topic of bitterness. 
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« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 11:39:19 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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