Author Topic: My Story Journey of one Sun  (Read 1510 times)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Journey of one Sun
« on: April 30, 2019, 11:20:55 AM »
I have been a reader here for over a year, this is my first post. Until recently I didn’t feel enough clarity to engage but I have gained so much from reading I am ready to contribute.


Background is married 15 years, together for nearly 20. We have two teenage children both at home. He manifested a lot of terrible monstering behaviour going back a few years and I would say is on a narcissist spectrum. In 2016 he started his own company and it had many financial problems. Also in 2016 our best friend’s child died of a rare cancer, this was a prolonged period of suffering. For the child’s funeral he hired a photographer that I later found out was his OW, the affair just starting at this time.

This OW, I should add, was 26 years old, my husband 53 at the time. Laughable if it’s not your life I guess. Everything about screams affair down and doomed. I met her a few times and never in my wildest dreams could imagine he or she would be interested in each other. Lesson learnt there. I assume nothing now. Funny aside on this girl, he doesn’t explain anything but once said she was like beer. Meaning I guess he recognised she was a distraction from pain.

Where I feel my story is different from textbook MLC is that in 2017, due to steady decline of his business to the point we could not pay our rent or school fees (we were in Asia, we are American/British), I got a job in the US and took the children so that he could live more cheaply and try to salvage his business. I guess you could say I dropped the bomb although he had been having an affair for 6 months by this time. I discovered the affair in March 2018 after he did say he wanted a divorce and almost immediately said no he didn’t want that and would make things right.

Well now his business has failed and he has returned broke and broken. OW is gone and is far away. He has put extraordinary efforts into reconnecting with our children, and is now a better father than he has ever been. It helps (them anyway) that I have never told anyone about his infidelity although this leaves me terribly isolated and not healed (but I am strong in so many other ways).

My husband returned home last August and I am trying to understand how reconnection and reconciliation play out. Everything takes time, I get it, but it’s very slow and painful.

I am still very traumatised by betrayal, I have no time or money to get into IC. My husband says he’s committed to rebuilding our marriage but will not give answers to any questions and I do not push this much because he is clearly incapable of dealing with it right now. He does not touch me. I do touch him which I consider paving the way. He has definitely become more tactile, but it’s tentative, I can sense his fear. I’m treading carefully and it’s frustrating.

We get along ok and talk a lot about everything except our relationship and the obvious elephant in the room. It’s weird but I feel I am replacing the OW as emotional support, still not quite a wife, I guess this has to preferable to him having only a silly little girl as confident. He is presently unemployed while waiting for a work permit and I understand how this dashes a man’s ego. Of course I worry if he’ll plunge back into replay once he has the money and job title.

Last week his mother suddenly passed away. This is another blow to him and me especially as she was possibly the best supporter of our marriage. I don’t know which way things will go from here.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2019, 12:49:35 PM »
Quote
My husband returned home last August .

My husband says he’s committed to rebuilding our marriage but will not give answers to any questions and I do not push this much because he is clearly incapable of dealing with it right now. He does not touch me.

We get along ok and talk a lot about everything except our relationship and the obvious elephant in the room.

Welcome to Heros' Spouse. Read RCR's articles if you have not already done so. They are worth reading and re-reading many times.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Although there are often "signs" of problems before BD, BD is usually when you discover the affair and/or he expresses that he wants out of the marriage.

MLC takes a long time to resolve and it sounds like although he is home, he is still in his crisis. Actions speak louder than words and if he is refusing to talk about the issues, he probably is not ready yet.

On the positive side, he has made good progress in reconnecting with the children.

We are very traumatized by this. Do not minimize what his betrayal did to you. Therapy can be helpful if you can find the right therapist but many do not understand MLC. I found the best therapy was with a practitioner who identified and treated me for PTSD.

MLC is associated with depression. Continue to manage your own life for it is a very bumpy ride.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 12:51:09 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2019, 01:19:40 PM »
Thank you so much for welcoming me.

What to do with trauma is a big question for me. Because I did live on my own with my kids for a year and a half I have developed lots of independence. But I know i’m not as detached as I need to be. I hope I haven’t minimised too much, I have endured some soul destroying monstering (that I’m a waste of space, an embarrassment, he’ll find someone better than me, lots of cruelty to the kids, so much explosive anger) and found out about OW upon finding pictures of them naked, on vacation, in hotels, at cafe’s etc and texts he wrote to her from bed while I was still there. My confidence comes and goes, but my kids are doing well so I have to persevere. Pain doesn’t disappear though, I can do small things to build confidence but scars are deep. I have my own FOO, a tougher childhood than him, I wish he had done this to someone stronger than me.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2019, 02:25:56 PM »
I really kept thinking that I was fine. I had  always been strong, independent, had my own career and saw many other people whose marriages ended and they were ok...so why wasn't I ok?

I tried. Read books, joined different groups, volunteered, exercised, talked with good friends, went for "talk" therapy and although I didn't cry as much, there didn't seem to be any joy in my life..I had lost the essence of who I was. I was stuck, going through the motions.

I happened upon a mind/body therapist and have seen her for 1 1/2 years. I will soon stop sessions as I really am much better now. If you read treasur's thread, she and others have had success with EMDR.

Not every LBSer gets stuck...some are truly done with their spouse and often have moved on to another relationship. Others feel still connected, even many years later ( I squirm when I say it has been 9 1/2 years since BD!). That should not bother me in the least, I tried to "get better" but my physiology was stuck in it's "flight/fight/freeze" pattern and I need intense work to change that.

Nothing changed about how how I feel about my spouse or about marriage, but I accepted, fully accepted the reality of my life now. I still would prefer my past life, it is very lonely and there are many scars...but I have found peace in my life and healing of things that were really keeping me from living a full and rich life.

Many things help. Regular exercise is particularly helpful. Volunteering gave me a sense of purpose. My faith has increased and that takes me through the very dark places when they still hit..for yes, they still hit hard..I recover faster than I once did.

Some of the learned behavior from my childhood also affected how I was  functioning....it's messy for the LBSer and messy for our children as well.

I wish I could be more specific. I knew that I had to have a major intervention to get me to a different place but that is not true of everyone.

I have made some amazing friends but they are all married. I try to meet single people but it hard. You have made some major moves a well (I also lived in Asia when this all came about) so you may or may not have deep roots in your community.

HS helped me to get an understanding of what my husband is still going through. That knowledge also helped tremendously in accepting that this version of my Beloved is not the person I knew.....

« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 02:27:29 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2019, 03:46:54 PM »
Attaching and welcome
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2019, 03:51:49 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2019, 04:17:59 PM »
Popping on to echo what others are saying about your own healing.

As you say you have persevered and coped. Even aside from the affair, the last few years have been full of other drama and upheaval. And you are holding a secret and have probably been holding a lot together for a long time. It took me over 2 years to realise that I had PTSD and it was not magically going to go away by itself. And that it was impeding my strength and capacity to move forward. Talk therapy did nothing useful but for me EMDR was a life changer.

I have not been in your shoes with either a live in MLCer - with all the continuing uncertainty that brings - or in any kind of reconnection. But from what I have learned here both require you to be as strong and healthy as you can be. I would agree with others that recognising your own trauma may be too important as part of that, regardless of what happens. Happy to share more about how EMDR works if you want to PM me.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Ms.MovingOn

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2019, 06:25:20 PM »
Sunandshade,

I too am so sorry that you are here. This is truly such a supportive place and has helped me greatly!! I’ve been going through this for a little over a year and although I cannot offer the wisdom that some of the others can I would like to share some things that have helped me. You will read a lot on here that you need to get a life. In  the beginning all I wanted to do was wallow in self pity alone! I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Once I started saying yes to any and every invite, it made a huge difference in my outlook. I realized I was not all those things he said about me. People actually did like me and enjoy being around me. SAY YES! Even if it’s tourture to get ready! DO it!! Next, I held my secrets in for too long! I was humiliated, but once I started telling a few(not all) friends, I realized I was not alone and everyone has been super supportive. It felt good to finally get it out. I felt like I was living a lie and telling just a few people made ME feel better!  Lastly, take care of you and do stuff for you!!! I started a small business and I love it!! I’ve made friends and am more involved in my community than ever. Please, take care of you! You will get through this.

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2019, 09:02:08 AM »
Is it really unusual that I’ve kept this a secret? I don’t think I can burden anyone close to me. My best friend lost her child to cancer, my other friends are in dire financial circumstances or getting divorced, or I just know they cannot help me and would react rashly. My H is messed up, in crisis, it would not be helpful for him to be exposed. Is this crazy of me? I understand he needs to sort himself out even if our marriage doesn’t survive. My children still need a sane father.

I do want to get counselling there is no time in my schedule between work and kids (so many activities). I did take up rollerblading so as weather improves I can do that again for a modicum if peace.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2019, 10:35:19 AM »
So sorry you're here Sunandshade. But I'm glad you found us.

My wife is a live-in wallower. Home life is uncomfortable. I'm walking on eggshells and I'm tired of it. Live-ins are a challenge - you definitely have my sympathy.

Quote
We get along ok and talk a lot about everything except our relationship and the obvious elephant in the room.
Same here. It's a high wire act for me. I can't sweep things under the rug, but talking about it before she's ready makes things worse.

Quote
Is it really unusual that I’ve kept this a secret?
I've kept things a secret from our mutual friends and our adult kids. It's tough, but I think when things are resolved - one way or another - I'll be glad I did. But I have found friends to talk to. I've been surprised to find out how common MLC and marriage issues are. I've put myself out there with a few folks and they've told me that they've been through similar things.

Do you have non-mutual friends you can talk to? Clergy or such? Many health plans will cover IC but not MC. If you find a good IC, it's worth it. And post here as often as it helps. We won't judge you for ranting, venting or just journaling. We've all been there.

The rollerblading is a great idea!

"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

 

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