Author Topic: My Story Journey of one Sun  (Read 1508 times)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Journey of one Sun
« on: April 30, 2019, 11:20:55 AM »
I have been a reader here for over a year, this is my first post. Until recently I didn’t feel enough clarity to engage but I have gained so much from reading I am ready to contribute.


Background is married 15 years, together for nearly 20. We have two teenage children both at home. He manifested a lot of terrible monstering behaviour going back a few years and I would say is on a narcissist spectrum. In 2016 he started his own company and it had many financial problems. Also in 2016 our best friend’s child died of a rare cancer, this was a prolonged period of suffering. For the child’s funeral he hired a photographer that I later found out was his OW, the affair just starting at this time.

This OW, I should add, was 26 years old, my husband 53 at the time. Laughable if it’s not your life I guess. Everything about screams affair down and doomed. I met her a few times and never in my wildest dreams could imagine he or she would be interested in each other. Lesson learnt there. I assume nothing now. Funny aside on this girl, he doesn’t explain anything but once said she was like beer. Meaning I guess he recognised she was a distraction from pain.

Where I feel my story is different from textbook MLC is that in 2017, due to steady decline of his business to the point we could not pay our rent or school fees (we were in Asia, we are American/British), I got a job in the US and took the children so that he could live more cheaply and try to salvage his business. I guess you could say I dropped the bomb although he had been having an affair for 6 months by this time. I discovered the affair in March 2018 after he did say he wanted a divorce and almost immediately said no he didn’t want that and would make things right.

Well now his business has failed and he has returned broke and broken. OW is gone and is far away. He has put extraordinary efforts into reconnecting with our children, and is now a better father than he has ever been. It helps (them anyway) that I have never told anyone about his infidelity although this leaves me terribly isolated and not healed (but I am strong in so many other ways).

My husband returned home last August and I am trying to understand how reconnection and reconciliation play out. Everything takes time, I get it, but it’s very slow and painful.

I am still very traumatised by betrayal, I have no time or money to get into IC. My husband says he’s committed to rebuilding our marriage but will not give answers to any questions and I do not push this much because he is clearly incapable of dealing with it right now. He does not touch me. I do touch him which I consider paving the way. He has definitely become more tactile, but it’s tentative, I can sense his fear. I’m treading carefully and it’s frustrating.

We get along ok and talk a lot about everything except our relationship and the obvious elephant in the room. It’s weird but I feel I am replacing the OW as emotional support, still not quite a wife, I guess this has to preferable to him having only a silly little girl as confident. He is presently unemployed while waiting for a work permit and I understand how this dashes a man’s ego. Of course I worry if he’ll plunge back into replay once he has the money and job title.

Last week his mother suddenly passed away. This is another blow to him and me especially as she was possibly the best supporter of our marriage. I don’t know which way things will go from here.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2019, 12:49:35 PM »
Quote
My husband returned home last August .

My husband says he’s committed to rebuilding our marriage but will not give answers to any questions and I do not push this much because he is clearly incapable of dealing with it right now. He does not touch me.

We get along ok and talk a lot about everything except our relationship and the obvious elephant in the room.

Welcome to Heros' Spouse. Read RCR's articles if you have not already done so. They are worth reading and re-reading many times.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Although there are often "signs" of problems before BD, BD is usually when you discover the affair and/or he expresses that he wants out of the marriage.

MLC takes a long time to resolve and it sounds like although he is home, he is still in his crisis. Actions speak louder than words and if he is refusing to talk about the issues, he probably is not ready yet.

On the positive side, he has made good progress in reconnecting with the children.

We are very traumatized by this. Do not minimize what his betrayal did to you. Therapy can be helpful if you can find the right therapist but many do not understand MLC. I found the best therapy was with a practitioner who identified and treated me for PTSD.

MLC is associated with depression. Continue to manage your own life for it is a very bumpy ride.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 12:51:09 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2019, 01:19:40 PM »
Thank you so much for welcoming me.

What to do with trauma is a big question for me. Because I did live on my own with my kids for a year and a half I have developed lots of independence. But I know i’m not as detached as I need to be. I hope I haven’t minimised too much, I have endured some soul destroying monstering (that I’m a waste of space, an embarrassment, he’ll find someone better than me, lots of cruelty to the kids, so much explosive anger) and found out about OW upon finding pictures of them naked, on vacation, in hotels, at cafe’s etc and texts he wrote to her from bed while I was still there. My confidence comes and goes, but my kids are doing well so I have to persevere. Pain doesn’t disappear though, I can do small things to build confidence but scars are deep. I have my own FOO, a tougher childhood than him, I wish he had done this to someone stronger than me.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2019, 02:25:56 PM »
I really kept thinking that I was fine. I had  always been strong, independent, had my own career and saw many other people whose marriages ended and they were ok...so why wasn't I ok?

I tried. Read books, joined different groups, volunteered, exercised, talked with good friends, went for "talk" therapy and although I didn't cry as much, there didn't seem to be any joy in my life..I had lost the essence of who I was. I was stuck, going through the motions.

I happened upon a mind/body therapist and have seen her for 1 1/2 years. I will soon stop sessions as I really am much better now. If you read treasur's thread, she and others have had success with EMDR.

Not every LBSer gets stuck...some are truly done with their spouse and often have moved on to another relationship. Others feel still connected, even many years later ( I squirm when I say it has been 9 1/2 years since BD!). That should not bother me in the least, I tried to "get better" but my physiology was stuck in it's "flight/fight/freeze" pattern and I need intense work to change that.

Nothing changed about how how I feel about my spouse or about marriage, but I accepted, fully accepted the reality of my life now. I still would prefer my past life, it is very lonely and there are many scars...but I have found peace in my life and healing of things that were really keeping me from living a full and rich life.

Many things help. Regular exercise is particularly helpful. Volunteering gave me a sense of purpose. My faith has increased and that takes me through the very dark places when they still hit..for yes, they still hit hard..I recover faster than I once did.

Some of the learned behavior from my childhood also affected how I was  functioning....it's messy for the LBSer and messy for our children as well.

I wish I could be more specific. I knew that I had to have a major intervention to get me to a different place but that is not true of everyone.

I have made some amazing friends but they are all married. I try to meet single people but it hard. You have made some major moves a well (I also lived in Asia when this all came about) so you may or may not have deep roots in your community.

HS helped me to get an understanding of what my husband is still going through. That knowledge also helped tremendously in accepting that this version of my Beloved is not the person I knew.....

« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 02:27:29 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2019, 03:46:54 PM »
Attaching and welcome
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2019, 03:51:49 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2019, 04:17:59 PM »
Popping on to echo what others are saying about your own healing.

As you say you have persevered and coped. Even aside from the affair, the last few years have been full of other drama and upheaval. And you are holding a secret and have probably been holding a lot together for a long time. It took me over 2 years to realise that I had PTSD and it was not magically going to go away by itself. And that it was impeding my strength and capacity to move forward. Talk therapy did nothing useful but for me EMDR was a life changer.

I have not been in your shoes with either a live in MLCer - with all the continuing uncertainty that brings - or in any kind of reconnection. But from what I have learned here both require you to be as strong and healthy as you can be. I would agree with others that recognising your own trauma may be too important as part of that, regardless of what happens. Happy to share more about how EMDR works if you want to PM me.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Ms.MovingOn

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2019, 06:25:20 PM »
Sunandshade,

I too am so sorry that you are here. This is truly such a supportive place and has helped me greatly!! I’ve been going through this for a little over a year and although I cannot offer the wisdom that some of the others can I would like to share some things that have helped me. You will read a lot on here that you need to get a life. In  the beginning all I wanted to do was wallow in self pity alone! I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Once I started saying yes to any and every invite, it made a huge difference in my outlook. I realized I was not all those things he said about me. People actually did like me and enjoy being around me. SAY YES! Even if it’s tourture to get ready! DO it!! Next, I held my secrets in for too long! I was humiliated, but once I started telling a few(not all) friends, I realized I was not alone and everyone has been super supportive. It felt good to finally get it out. I felt like I was living a lie and telling just a few people made ME feel better!  Lastly, take care of you and do stuff for you!!! I started a small business and I love it!! I’ve made friends and am more involved in my community than ever. Please, take care of you! You will get through this.

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2019, 09:02:08 AM »
Is it really unusual that I’ve kept this a secret? I don’t think I can burden anyone close to me. My best friend lost her child to cancer, my other friends are in dire financial circumstances or getting divorced, or I just know they cannot help me and would react rashly. My H is messed up, in crisis, it would not be helpful for him to be exposed. Is this crazy of me? I understand he needs to sort himself out even if our marriage doesn’t survive. My children still need a sane father.

I do want to get counselling there is no time in my schedule between work and kids (so many activities). I did take up rollerblading so as weather improves I can do that again for a modicum if peace.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2019, 10:35:19 AM »
So sorry you're here Sunandshade. But I'm glad you found us.

My wife is a live-in wallower. Home life is uncomfortable. I'm walking on eggshells and I'm tired of it. Live-ins are a challenge - you definitely have my sympathy.

Quote
We get along ok and talk a lot about everything except our relationship and the obvious elephant in the room.
Same here. It's a high wire act for me. I can't sweep things under the rug, but talking about it before she's ready makes things worse.

Quote
Is it really unusual that I’ve kept this a secret?
I've kept things a secret from our mutual friends and our adult kids. It's tough, but I think when things are resolved - one way or another - I'll be glad I did. But I have found friends to talk to. I've been surprised to find out how common MLC and marriage issues are. I've put myself out there with a few folks and they've told me that they've been through similar things.

Do you have non-mutual friends you can talk to? Clergy or such? Many health plans will cover IC but not MC. If you find a good IC, it's worth it. And post here as often as it helps. We won't judge you for ranting, venting or just journaling. We've all been there.

The rollerblading is a great idea!

"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2019, 11:48:22 AM »
Talking about this stuff in RL is not easy. Hard for people to comprehend and often their responses can add to our hurt or confusion even if they mean well.

At the same time, my friend, you need a support system bc this stuff is hard and tiring and uses a lot of emotional restraint. And with a possibly reconnecting h who you can't talk to in a normal or free way, it may help you tremdously to find a safe place and person/people where you can. You have us and I'm glad you have started posting but sometimes we need a real human face or an objective IC perspective too.

Might I humbly suggest that self-care is really important, too important to make excuses for not doing bc of teenage kids activities? When you are looking at most at say 1 hour a week, maybe less? Are you not worth 1 hour? Is the importance of coping with this the best you can not worth 1 hour? Particularly bc your kids are teenagers and I think your h (at least physically) is at home and currently not working? We all know how unreliable MLC spouses are but at the same time you sound like a tough minded hard working woman who could make that happen if you decided it was necessary. I'm sure you have read some of the reconnection threads and this stuff is not easy while you are also trying to keep your family train and work train on the tracks.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2019, 12:35:31 PM »
Thank you Tresur, I hear you, take care of myself. I will really start to do that.

Thank you everyone who has taken a moment to reply to me, I appreciate your views on navigating this sad experience.

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2019, 03:00:50 AM »
Me and my H had agreed not to make it known until the end of January. Me being me and not understanding MLC thought all would be sorted by then and only his family need know.

Well come end of December Ow made it clear on her social media they were together so that was that.

I personally found in the time I hadn’t told anyone. It was hard BUT helped me heal. So I was able to confide in people without falling apart.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2019, 09:39:01 AM »
I really have no time for social media, the way some people use it as a look-at-me look-at-me non-stop brag-athon. Rise above it! Yes but some days easier said than done. Don’t pain shop I remind myself daily, plenty to worry about without looking for more.

MLC really is the strangest thing. Honestly, what compels a previously stable person to abuse their spouse, children, the OW/OM too, abandon responsibility and go on a selfish feeding frenzy, I don’t know that I will ever understand. The scale of self-destruction is breathtaking. The level of pettiness is staggering. I pray for us all.


Offline bubbs16

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2019, 10:12:47 AM »
Sure is a strange thing. They are a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow up.  They say there's absolutely nothing we can do or could have done. Mlc or not,  what they do to us lbs is unbarebly painful. To watch someone be so extremely selfish hurts so bad. I know that the mlcer isn't in the right mindset and is indeed abducted by alien. I know in my situation the woman I knew for 17 yrs would never abandon her husband and her dog. Even with knowing that it is so hard to look past and get over. As someone here said I was reading, the scars leftover will be forever. I try not to hold any resentment towards her and be able to forgive her, but the pain is so extreme. I wouldn't wish the pain us lbs have to go thru on my worst enemy.  I know they say the mlcer is in a insane amount of pain but I sure don't see that. Praying for is all

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2019, 12:39:34 PM »
Welcome SunandShade and while I hate that you have to be here, I am glad we get to ride along on your journey.
Mine isn't a live in MLCer so I don't have any experience with that, but there's many on here that have.
I think already posting here is such a huge positive step for you to write it down, let it out and know you are understood.

I am not sure we will ever fully understand MLC, but I think most of these men and women had FOO issues long before they ever met us and couple that with depression and it's simply a powder keg just waiting for the igniter. In my case the igniter was watching his father die of cancer and then trying to manage his mother's financials at the same time.

Indeed the self destruction is horrendous and worse that there is nothing we can do to help.

Your husband sounds like he is still an avoidant type and will not talk about it, which means he is not dealing with it.

Just take care of yourself and leave him be. I think to keep it a secret or not is an individual choice as long as it is what you are comfortable with for yourself.

Come back often and post as this is such an amazing community of support and wisdom
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2019, 09:30:23 AM »
I wonder a lot about boundaries. It’s so weird to have to consider how to protect myself from my H, utterly unimaginable. You know someone for 20 years, or think you do, and they become a threat to your fundamental stability. On top of this you have to take some amount of  risks in reconnection. Anyway I don’t recognise remorse, not sure what is shame/regret/remorse/indifference. Silence is indeed a loud scream.

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2019, 09:43:15 AM »
Boundaries tbh are part of selfcare...think of them as your garden fence. Others can do and think what they want, but not in YOUR garden.

What else are you doing about self care, Sun? What do you see as one or two things you can do that will help you feel a little stronger or calmer or clearer or happier right now even if it is just 1%?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2019, 09:53:22 AM »
I’m just concentrating on taking care of my kids, making sure they are adjusting to life in a country that’s new to them, navigating public school. I go to work, try to establish myself in my profession here. It’s a small office so doesn’t offer much socially. I just get on the best I can and hope for brighter days ahead. I do have some family here, the ones I like the most are the busiest ones.

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2019, 10:08:23 AM »
I can live without him, I have done so for nearly 2 years.

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #20 on: May 06, 2019, 06:21:12 PM »
I’m back on planet Earth today, was able to concentrate at work and feel good about myself.

Thanks 66 for pointing out the conflict avoidance issue, I didn’t really consider that before. He’s definitely like a turtle now, he was not like this before. It’s very strange to observe. Is this fear of rejection? So ironic!

What are the thoughts about the avoidance of touch in MLC? Is this shame? Revulsion? Guilt? Fear? This seems to be something really particular to MLC, I don’t see much written about this physical avoidance in general betrayers who say they want to stay married.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #21 on: May 07, 2019, 10:27:28 AM »
I'm no expert but to me the avoidance of touch is in the same vicinity as the avoidance of talking about the issue. See, talking about the issue requires one to open up and express feelings. In order to express feelings you have to feel feelings. Depression centers around not wanting to feel anything and to avoid any and all feelings and to isolate. I don't think it's revulsion or fear or guilt - I think he doesn't know or doesn't want to know how he really feels.
When you are depressed you do not want any touch, you do not want to talk about anything worthwhile, you just want to withdraw from the world and remain invisible.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #22 on: May 07, 2019, 11:10:36 AM »
Can also be part of ow withdrawal (or ongoing affair) that they feel as if it is being 'unfaithful' to ow. I know...bonkers   ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2019, 06:23:47 PM »
I have definitely considered this weird faithfulness to the OW, and that was certainly an issue during touch and goes. He’s different now, but still in crisis I know. He had a very visible awakening experience last year, he was still overseas and realised he’d miss D’s middle school graduation, he became positively frantic that he had to be here. While here he decided he would go back and close the business and move back home within 3 months. I know he didn’t finish with OW until nearly the end but it was an explosive end, she assaulted him requiring a dozen stitches. She blocked him on social media. He went through withdrawal was catatonic the first 3 months. I really do think it’s over, although I’m no fool (anymore). I do think she was Borderline, they’re hard to get rid of. It takes strength and courage. Early in his return He did say he felt guilty about leaving her.  ::) whatever, hasn’t said anything like that again. But then again he doesn’t talk about much. I hope he pursues IC, I can’t force that but hope he seeks it.

He’s been away dealing with his mother’s death and her estate, calls twice a day. I never call him, let him make contact when he’s in the right frame of mind. I have no idea what his mother’s death will do to his emotional state but he is still saying he is determined to be here and talks about the future.

I just get on with my life, I don’t have much free time or friends but family life keeps me occupied. Am I co-depenendant? Not sure, I think i’m Very independent and can manage with or without him. Working on detachment to protect myself from his cycling. I do my own cycling and try to get space to chill my mind if I can.

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2019, 01:33:33 AM »
Fwiw you found like your doing very well
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2019, 10:59:48 AM »
Thanks Sachet, ok today but always tense in anticipation of possible new shocks.

This week I noticed an old friend and colleague was connected on LinkedIn with the OW, keeping in mind that she was working in my husband’s office at a job she’s wholly unqualified for. I sent him a message asking how he knew her, trying to gauge if he was in the know of their affair. He innocently enoughexplained she was assisting on some marketing material. I asked him to disconnect from her. He replied may I ask why and I replied, thank you with no further details. I think he did not disconnect. I later found out he screenshotted the conversation to my H. So I disconnected with him.

I’m not prepared to tolerate toxic people at the moment, I know it’s a grey area but i’d rather be alone that feel surrounded by people who don’t give a crap about me and my family. Maybe it’s not healthy but i’m willing to go scorched earth.

Offline Milly

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2019, 12:14:23 PM »
Sun, I'm just catching up with your thread and sorry you're here but I am impressed at how much you have managed to do since BD. Your moving back from Asia with your kids and establishing a new routine, your work, then dealing with a live in MLCer. I don't think there's any advice I can give you. You seem to be handling it all just the right way. Keep doing what you're doing.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #27 on: May 19, 2019, 01:11:37 PM »
Honestly sun I don’t blame you. You need people you can trust in life and if you don’t have that, you don’t have much else tbf
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #28 on: May 19, 2019, 01:31:32 PM »
Well, to be fair your old friend/colleague may be bemused and know nothing much. Although the screenshot thing was weird. But yes, completely makes sense to draw firm lines in the sand with anyone who you think might not have your back. Our spouses create chaos and uncertainty...you have the right to protect you and your kids from any more of that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2019, 05:32:37 PM »
I was suspicious about the friend already, also one other i’m fairly sure was an enabler but is harder to delete from my life as he is the father of one of my son’s best friends. I hate the feeling of being humiliated by my H and these people, them encouraging my H in the destruction of our family like it’s all a big joke. Maybe i’m too old fashioned or something but I think a real friend would tell you you’re being an ass.

I keep my eyes open now, any whiff of contact with the OW and he’s on the street.  8) let his friends laugh about that!

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #30 on: May 19, 2019, 08:09:53 PM »
Is it really unusual that I’ve kept this a secret? I don’t think I can burden anyone close to me. My best friend lost her child to cancer, my other friends are in dire financial circumstances or getting divorced, or I just know they cannot help me and would react rashly. My H is messed up, in crisis, it would not be helpful for him to be exposed. Is this crazy of me? I understand he needs to sort himself out even if our marriage doesn’t survive. My children still need a sane father.

Well for me I have kept my mouth shut about what is going on. Although I don't currently work in the field I got my PhD in, we live in a city where many of my colleagues  from my field of study come to work for part of the year. It's a small community, they hire locals including in some cases even relatives of my husband. If they knew what is going on, and they may already know, it would spread like wildfire as gossip around the globe. It would likely get back to my husband as well. A journalist once wrote a chapter of a book entirely about how bad the gossip in my field is in our particular city, that's how bad everyone is, but I would probably be none the wiser as no one would tell me what was being said behind my back either. In fact, I have distanced myself from these people the last few years for this reason. I have been back in touch briefly with a few of my closest friends recently, but I know that if one person found out, everyone would know and pass judgment on both of us. Not to mention my husband is a doctor who occasionally treats some of these colleagues. I'd feel more comfortable telling old friends who are outside this gossip network.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 08:12:17 PM by GonerinGhana »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #31 on: May 19, 2019, 08:20:40 PM »
The large majority of my work colleagues don't know my situation either.  I sit with these people for 8.5 hours per day, 3 days per week and we laugh and share stories about our lives but they don't know that H and I are separated.  His photos are still up and my weekend shenanigans often include him anyway.  It helps that he is a pilot and is often away anyway.  In my case, they don't know because I consider these people to be in my world but not in my circle. 

I don't think your decision is crazy at all Sun, trust your gut  ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #32 on: May 20, 2019, 03:09:57 AM »
Welcome to the world of crazy, Sun.  You will find great advice here.

Your H sounds like he's still in crisis and unsure of any decision he's making now.  Your best path to being able to navigate this truly horrible and confusing world, is to detach as far as possible.

One of the biggest problems is, he could feel the tremendous pressure to be the 'good husband' and stay and pressure makes them run. 

Hopefully he has his own room with a lock so he feels safe.  He's like a small child now and fragile so his decisions are not that of a grown man.

He needs lots of thinking time and has to do it alone.

You've been able to live without him for two years and have the courage to go on.  Take a really deep breath, secure yourself financially and emotionally and stay on the roller coaster.

Keep posting for support.

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #33 on: May 20, 2019, 04:03:25 AM »
Hello Sun, Welcome here, am just lending support. I, too, kept the situation quiet at work.  So many of my co-workers knew my H, he used to come and visit.  In the beginning, I only told a few people who kept me going and covered for me in the days immediately following BD.  I do find that I am only comfortable now with people in my inner circle who know what has happened. I was worried in the work setting, too, that one or two people would undermine my judgement and abilities if they sensed vulnerability.  And I do hate pity..... You sound strong. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2019, 04:45:13 PM »
Thank you all for your replies. Some days when I open HS I am shocked at how many threads there are! It’s good not to feel alone but much love to everyone here and I wish we weren’t.

I have been keeping my mouth shut, it’s hard! I really cannot tell what is going on with my H! He doesn’t seem depressed but maybe he’s good at faking that. He has never shed any tears that I have seen and it’s frustrating and perplexing to discern no emotion. Anyway, another day.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #35 on: May 31, 2019, 12:18:06 AM »
It's really hard keeping your mouth shut when they're at home :-X  A good reason to detach from his drama as much as possible and try to get a life of your own away from him.

He probably cries alone.  My xH used to shake uncontrollably most of the time and he was teary when I used to knock on his bedroom door but tried to hide it and let me know how much better life was going to be without me ::)

Is your H holding down a job?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #36 on: May 31, 2019, 12:49:46 AM »
My MLCer moved out and moved next door to his mums. That’s fun to say the least ha! However within weeks after BD when Ow surfaced (i think she came in after BD) the things she posted online made it seem that everything was happy and for a while I felt that was the case. Which made things harder for me because it made me think I was the problem. Then I noticed things and it because very clear everything WAS a facade a fake it till you make it if you will
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #37 on: May 31, 2019, 01:34:52 AM »
Worth reading about covert depression, Sun, if you haven't already. I think we all have assumptions about what depression looks like but it isn't always so particularly with men. And they all wear masks as a survival strategy, just like we LBS do I suppose.  The storied mind website is useful too. You can't fix it but sometimes it helps as a reminder that it isn't about you at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #38 on: May 31, 2019, 07:06:01 AM »
SF, he is not working here yet, waiting for a work permit, he is highly employable and paperwork will come soon. I believe he is a proficient compartmentaliser. He is reconnecting with the kids very seriously, manages homework and their schedules. It’s a little funny because i’ve been pushing our kids to be more independent and self reliant so they are a bit resistant to their father suddenly in their business. I really love teenagers, they throw the best truth darts.

I know now that I don’t recognise what depression looks like  in him, in retrospect I missed a lot before he went so far off the rails. I’ve had depressed periods before and have a lot of coping strategies, clearly he does not. He mentioned andropause recently (something I said to him ages ago) so is thinking about it I guess. I try to leave him to it and keep my mouth shut, of course like many of us here I am a fixer by nature (haha I am an engineer by profession so can’t help it).

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #39 on: May 31, 2019, 11:24:17 PM »
If he's home most of the time Sun, I hope you get out as much as possible.  Live in MLCers are a nightmare, both kinds are a nightmare but the live-in's have you walking on eggshells - I remember it well ::) ::)

You sound strong and determined and that's a huge apart for any LBS.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #40 on: June 01, 2019, 01:18:55 AM »
I agree you sound very strong. I suppose what I’ve learnt Aswell is truth darts coming from you are one thing. From kids it’s a whole new level. Love that!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2019, 06:43:12 PM »
Strong, well sometimes, sometimes not. Not holding it together is not an option.

I often read OW forums, I guess trying to understand behaviour that seems so foreign to me. Usually I get a twisted delight hearing about their fantasies falling apart but occasionally there is such a cock-sure entitled c**t that really triggers me. I read one this afternoon that really crushed my soul. Alas I really ought to stop reading this garbage.

So my latest little tidbits of insight came when I asked if his mother was aware of our problems before she died (last month) he said no, that would have killed her. I of course made no comment. I’m getting good at this. He’s made some comments about his father that i’m trying to understand. Some anger coming out about him. I made no comment and didn’t probe that at all, I think it’s formulating in his mind. I guess it’s all movement.

On the positive side my kids are doing really well and I think will get straight A’s this semester like they did last semester. Take happiness where you find it.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2019, 09:51:31 PM »
There are OW forums??????  What are they called?  I wonder why a cheater would want to post about their conquests -weird!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2019, 10:01:09 PM »
Yes indeed, but I do think it’s an unhealthy thing for me and I should stop.

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #44 on: June 04, 2019, 12:44:34 PM »
Someone on this forum posted about them before and I had a 5 minute browse. I have much sympathy for young OW, that seem to be young naive and what not. But a fully fledged adult. No. Maybe I’m to spoilt but when I’m with someone I want all their attention. I don’t want to share them!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #45 on: June 08, 2019, 11:23:47 AM »
Oh Sachat they don’t want to share him either! What a weird mindset to feel entitled to someone else’s spouse, but I digress...

It’s been a weird week, being stressed at work didn’t help keep me on an even keel at all. Had a few triggered episodes that I almost managed to keep to myself, have failed completely in maintaining an easy breezy demeanour. It’s not my natural state at the best of times, sometimes I don’t blame husband at all for not loving me. I have not managed to figure out how detached I should be with the way things are with my H being home, reconnecting with kids and a bit with me. He is very clingy! Wants me in the room even though he’s reading junk on his phone and ignoring me. What should I do? I mostly give my presence as long as I can but make sure to take care of myself and kids. I’m operating completely on instinct. Life is weird.

On Friday night we went out for a drink with old friends, they are much closer to him but friendly with me too. I was anxious and awkward and utterly drained by the end of the evening. My mother in law died a month ago, my H is down but I am also. She was a big support for me although she was not aware of the dire condition of our marriage was aware we were struggling. I ache that I can’t speak to her.

This morning H was complaining kids weren’t giving him attention, he literally said he wanted love  and affection and respect. Irony is dead.

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #46 on: June 09, 2019, 03:06:59 PM »
Personally sun, I probably wouldn’t be so “available” to him. It appears to me, being around him is draining you and I completely understand that. I myself have a super clingy clinger. So I emphasise massively. For me, I knew there were things I couldn’t change. For example, him living next door. I can’t really change that. So I don’t dwell on it. But I can treat myself to a long soak in a hot bath with a glass (bottle) of wine after completing all my household chores. I would try and find something you can do purely alone to boost your energy.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #47 on: June 27, 2019, 06:24:43 PM »
I’ve just been following other’s threads lately, but it’s so noisy! Literally pages and pages of pain. Sigh. H and I progressing, so so slowly. Reconnection is painful, try to keep it light but it’s like dealing with a body full of pain one teaspoon at a time, occasionally more pours in to reflows me. Have lately been wondering if there were other OW, they’d be well gone but I can’t escape the need to understand.

Small but interesting insights occur, he sees a lack of empathy in his father, this is following recent death of his mother. Another interesting observation came from a small truth dart of mine, we were watching a movie where main character was engulfed by hangers on endlessly partying his place, I observed it takes strength escape these losers, he totally agreed. My H had to escape this, he did. I acknowledged, sort of validated, that this isn’t easy.

Does anyone posting now have an OW that is very much younger than their H, mine was 26 yrs old, my H 54. I cannot get my head around this dynamic. I found a recent pic of her, yes a little pain shopping. She looks like a child to me. WTF is wrong with my H? And she’s Pathetic with a capital P. When I was 27-28 I never would have “dated” “chased after” or even looked at an old married man. So weird. Sorry, I know I shouldn’t dwell on this garbage, but really I can’t make any sense of it.

I’m sorry just wallowing in pity, it’ll pass I guess.

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #48 on: June 28, 2019, 12:12:34 AM »
You can't make sense of it, like tasting green with your elbow as UM says  :)
Tbh, many of us come here looking for excuses first then explanation...what we do with that is up to us, I guess, and our situation.
The anecdotal evidence is pretty strong that the ow/om is an object in a way, cocaine with a pulse you might hear it described as. ShockSis's posts are worth reading on this. Her crisis turned her h into an object she hated and om as a kind of fantasy of perfection. Until reality bit. But both were objects in someone's crisis, not people. You will never know why ow did what she did but you can reach a point when you know that it matters less. Broken tends to attract broken.

Your h broke and ran away. And then came back probably still a bit broken? Wallowing and pain shopping are rarely constructive, but some kind of inner chewing is probably part of the process of you figuring out what you want now and who you feel he is now to you. Perfectly normal. Acorn's thread, amongst others, talks about how she tackled the reconnection process bc it is hard and slow. Mostly tbh she disengaged from her h and got on with other things that made her life feel better. She listened sometimes but rarely prodded. Somehow she seemed to reach a point where she knew it was not about her or anyone else but her h's crisis brain. And that he had to find his own way out.

What kinds of reconnecting things do you see your h doing now? Do you see differences from when he first returned? And what are you doing that makes you feel good regardless of what happens to him?

Many of us have times when we need to step away from the pain on HS or perhaps just read a few posters whose situation is similar to ours for support and advice.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 12:14:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #49 on: July 02, 2019, 11:14:43 AM »
Treasur, thank you for such a reasonable response to my insanity. Your advice is appreciated.

Today is the 2-yr anniversary of my kids and I leaving. OW moved in/stayed with him after this until he left her in August 18. I guess it’s the “season” for stress and reflection. I seriously lost my sh*t with him but he wants to meet for lunch as planned. I try try try so hard to keep myself together, sometimes I just crack. Get up dust myself off. He’ll have to take it. If he can’t then he can’t. I’ll be calm now.

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #50 on: July 02, 2019, 11:20:21 AM »
Aim for calm as a goal for you my friend...bc life is better there.
But as you say, we all slip and fall and anniversaries have an odd effect sometimes -  if your h can't deal with that, then hey ho. But you carry on doing you, dear girl....bc that is something you can invest in and know life will get better and easier if you keep doing so. Hug from here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #51 on: July 13, 2019, 11:37:42 AM »
I just discovered that D15 is aware her father has been unfaithful and she is adamant I divorce him! We have been slowly in recovery, OW is gone now almost a year, and far far away. What is different for us is that I moved with the kids before any D-Day scenario, yes he monstered at us all but due to worsening financial situation kids and I left to ease his burden financially by my getting a job. Everything spiralled from there.

I really need advice on how to talk to my daughter, and if I should even try to discuss with my H.

My instinct is to explain that her father is mentally unstable but loves her and is trying to make things right by his family, this is the truth. And that parents make mistakes and can work through them sometimes.

I worry she will lose respect for me. But i’m more worried about damage to her.

Please, anyone with teenagers, I welcome guidance!

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #52 on: July 13, 2019, 01:15:19 PM »
Outwith my experience but maybe one of the mods can help bc I remember someone else asking and there was a link to an old thread with really good advice on just this.

Fwiw...bc I remember being a 15 year old girl lol....I think age-appropriate truth is the way to go. MLC and depression create too much lies and gaslighting as it is. Imho all of us are stronger looking reality in the eye rather than pretending...it is sad bc of course your daughter will never see her father in quite the same way but unfortunately that it a consequence of his choices too. If MLC is too complicated to explain, I would recommend calling it depression and looking at the storied mind website which has some good explanations of why depressed men leave for fantasy greener grass and blow their lives up. Stick to the bare facts and also keep your boundaries as an adult, a mother and a wife.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #53 on: July 28, 2019, 11:11:02 PM »
She's 15 years old and doesn't get a 'say' in whether you get divorced or not.

Tell her things are not always as they seem and she will understand one day when she has some life experience of her own.  She needs a strong parent with this one, not one who worries about what her daughter will think.  Show her who you are by being strong and decisive with your answer.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline seahorse

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #54 on: November 06, 2019, 07:45:17 PM »
Sun - attaching...

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #55 on: November 07, 2019, 05:56:07 PM »
I haven’t written much lately although I do follow along with many posters. Things progress very slowly. I have my ups and downs but generally feel strong. I find myself dealing with issues that anger/hurt/disturb me one by one, looking at them and letting the pain go where I can. I still harbour some revenge fantasies against the OW, haha, exposing her to her well to do family. I won’t do it of course I just feel empowered sort of knowing that I could. Yeah, not a healthy idea. Working on really understanding that she’s nothing.

 My husband is connecting very much with the kids, far more involved with them than he ever was before. He is respectful to me but no words of affirmation beyond insisting he doesn’t want to divorce. He says he loves me, he calls me his wife and we behave as a family, there’s just a wall he’s built around himself. Takes time, yes I know.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #56 on: November 07, 2019, 11:39:58 PM »
If he's saying he loves you this early in the timeline, he's probably going through a transition rather than full blown crisis.  You will still need all the patience in the world but good he's being a father to your kids.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #57 on: November 08, 2019, 01:09:34 PM »
I appreciate the reply but it does feel a bit dismissive. He’s been home just over a year, after 2 years with OW after a couple of years of monstering, I don’t consider this just a transition. I guess this is why people in reconnection don’t post much. Please just ignore me.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #58 on: November 08, 2019, 10:18:34 PM »
Sunandshade, your timeline says BD was in 2018, that's a really short time for a MLC.  I'm definitely not trying to diminish your pain and know it's real, but the date of BD for us it's the beginning of crisis.  On reflection we see they were not themselves for a year or two before BD but that's not counted (unfortunately).

Is it possible the BD date you posted is wrong?  2-3 years is also too short as has been shown time and time again the crisis lasts at least five years and even that is a short time.  They need time to get through all of the stuff that went wrong in childhood and that takes them many years.

I hope your H continues along a positive path but after this amount of time I would be watching his actions carefully.  I know it sounds pessimistic but I would be wary.  We need to be careful of our hearts, he broke it once and there's no way any of us would want a repeat of that.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #59 on: November 09, 2019, 01:15:52 PM »
I’m not actually interested in arguing with anyone.

For clarity, I did something unusual, I LEFT HIM. He was monstering and spending all our money and I left him in 2017. OW was already in place but I didn’t Know that.

I found out about OW in 2018, which was my awakening I guess, and that’s why I put this date as BD.

Left completely to his own devices he crashed and burned in 1 year. I never begged and pleaded because I never knew what was going on with him. This is ultimate rope drop. All by accident, just circumstances. I should add that he gave us no money during this year. He wanted to be irresponsible, I completely let him. If he wants to leave he knows where the door is. He doesn’t.

I can’t comment on his FOO issues, I honestly don’t know anyone with an easy perfect childhood, his seems no worse than mine and I keep my s**t together.

I would say we are early reconnection, not reconciled and he’s not ok but no more monster, he does acts of service, no words of sorrow, etc. This is where I’m at.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #60 on: November 09, 2019, 05:31:15 PM »
Quote
I appreciate the reply but it does feel a bit dismissive. He’s been home just over a year, after 2 years with OW after a couple of years of monstering, I don’t consider this just a transition. I guess this is why people in reconnection don’t post much. Please just ignore me.
.

I really do not know the exact differences between a MLC or a "transition" ( other than a transition may be shorter) but it has been suggested to me as well that perhaps my husband simply was in a midlife" transition".  He dropped the huge "bomb" in april , got kicked out in August and was wanting to come home in December . He had a 9 month affair, spent a ridiculous amount of money ( for years before I caught on) , abandoned his kids, quit his job etc etc . I surely do NOT call this a "transition" by any stretch and yet if we use "length of time" appears it would be a transition. I believe my husband has been in crisis for years ...absolute years , but hid it , managed it, worked 100 hours a week and head down keep going kind of attitude. He told a therapist he believes he has "never felt happy in life ..not even as a child". But I do know he is still not "right" , so its fair to say he is still struggling with MLC issues. Either way ...it all certainly put ME in my own crisis .

Quote
I hope your H continues along a positive path but after this amount of time I would be watching his actions carefully.  I know it sounds pessimistic but I would be wary.  We need to be careful of our hearts, he broke it once and there's no way any of us would want a repeat of that.
.

This is good advice no matter if we like it or not. I will never be blindsided again...and I do watch his actions carefully. And I will continue to do so .



Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #61 on: November 10, 2019, 01:34:17 PM »
I am absolutely waiting and watching. I think I was trying to say that even a stay at home, energetic or wallowed, or a returned home spouse, this is not the end. I’m not overly obsessed with time-served thinking, or even stage watching. So much is hidden. I know i’m not at the end of anything. Slow slow reconnection is also a part of the journey. We can “fail” anyway. I’ve read many of your threads Barbie and I relate a lot to your journey. What’s broken is real, our feelings are real, the pain is all real. I don’t come from an easy secure place, I am dealing with the fallout and it’s considerable. Honestly, if I did not have kids depending on me, I would choose not to be.

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #62 on: November 10, 2019, 01:35:58 PM »
How are your kids doing, Sun?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #63 on: November 10, 2019, 02:17:31 PM »
Very good.

 

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