Author Topic: My Story Journey of one Sun  (Read 1160 times)

Offline Not Your Monkey

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My Story Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #30 on: May 19, 2019, 08:09:53 PM »
Is it really unusual that I’ve kept this a secret? I don’t think I can burden anyone close to me. My best friend lost her child to cancer, my other friends are in dire financial circumstances or getting divorced, or I just know they cannot help me and would react rashly. My H is messed up, in crisis, it would not be helpful for him to be exposed. Is this crazy of me? I understand he needs to sort himself out even if our marriage doesn’t survive. My children still need a sane father.

Well for me I have kept my mouth shut about what is going on. Although I don't currently work in the field I got my PhD in, we live in a city where many of my colleagues  from my field of study come to work for part of the year. It's a small community, they hire locals including in some cases even relatives of my husband. If they knew what is going on, and they may already know, it would spread like wildfire as gossip around the globe. It would likely get back to my husband as well. A journalist once wrote a chapter of a book entirely about how bad the gossip in my field is in our particular city, that's how bad everyone is, but I would probably be none the wiser as no one would tell me what was being said behind my back either. In fact, I have distanced myself from these people the last few years for this reason. I have been back in touch briefly with a few of my closest friends recently, but I know that if one person found out, everyone would know and pass judgment on both of us. Not to mention my husband is a doctor who occasionally treats some of these colleagues. I'd feel more comfortable telling old friends who are outside this gossip network.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 08:12:17 PM by GonerinGhana »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #31 on: May 19, 2019, 08:20:40 PM »
The large majority of my work colleagues don't know my situation either.  I sit with these people for 8.5 hours per day, 3 days per week and we laugh and share stories about our lives but they don't know that H and I are separated.  His photos are still up and my weekend shenanigans often include him anyway.  It helps that he is a pilot and is often away anyway.  In my case, they don't know because I consider these people to be in my world but not in my circle. 

I don't think your decision is crazy at all Sun, trust your gut  ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #32 on: May 20, 2019, 03:09:57 AM »
Welcome to the world of crazy, Sun.  You will find great advice here.

Your H sounds like he's still in crisis and unsure of any decision he's making now.  Your best path to being able to navigate this truly horrible and confusing world, is to detach as far as possible.

One of the biggest problems is, he could feel the tremendous pressure to be the 'good husband' and stay and pressure makes them run. 

Hopefully he has his own room with a lock so he feels safe.  He's like a small child now and fragile so his decisions are not that of a grown man.

He needs lots of thinking time and has to do it alone.

You've been able to live without him for two years and have the courage to go on.  Take a really deep breath, secure yourself financially and emotionally and stay on the roller coaster.

Keep posting for support.

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #33 on: May 20, 2019, 04:03:25 AM »
Hello Sun, Welcome here, am just lending support. I, too, kept the situation quiet at work.  So many of my co-workers knew my H, he used to come and visit.  In the beginning, I only told a few people who kept me going and covered for me in the days immediately following BD.  I do find that I am only comfortable now with people in my inner circle who know what has happened. I was worried in the work setting, too, that one or two people would undermine my judgement and abilities if they sensed vulnerability.  And I do hate pity..... You sound strong. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2019, 04:45:13 PM »
Thank you all for your replies. Some days when I open HS I am shocked at how many threads there are! It’s good not to feel alone but much love to everyone here and I wish we weren’t.

I have been keeping my mouth shut, it’s hard! I really cannot tell what is going on with my H! He doesn’t seem depressed but maybe he’s good at faking that. He has never shed any tears that I have seen and it’s frustrating and perplexing to discern no emotion. Anyway, another day.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #35 on: May 31, 2019, 12:18:06 AM »
It's really hard keeping your mouth shut when they're at home :-X  A good reason to detach from his drama as much as possible and try to get a life of your own away from him.

He probably cries alone.  My xH used to shake uncontrollably most of the time and he was teary when I used to knock on his bedroom door but tried to hide it and let me know how much better life was going to be without me ::)

Is your H holding down a job?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #36 on: May 31, 2019, 12:49:46 AM »
My MLCer moved out and moved next door to his mums. That’s fun to say the least ha! However within weeks after BD when Ow surfaced (i think she came in after BD) the things she posted online made it seem that everything was happy and for a while I felt that was the case. Which made things harder for me because it made me think I was the problem. Then I noticed things and it because very clear everything WAS a facade a fake it till you make it if you will
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #37 on: May 31, 2019, 01:34:52 AM »
Worth reading about covert depression, Sun, if you haven't already. I think we all have assumptions about what depression looks like but it isn't always so particularly with men. And they all wear masks as a survival strategy, just like we LBS do I suppose.  The storied mind website is useful too. You can't fix it but sometimes it helps as a reminder that it isn't about you at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #38 on: May 31, 2019, 07:06:01 AM »
SF, he is not working here yet, waiting for a work permit, he is highly employable and paperwork will come soon. I believe he is a proficient compartmentaliser. He is reconnecting with the kids very seriously, manages homework and their schedules. It’s a little funny because i’ve been pushing our kids to be more independent and self reliant so they are a bit resistant to their father suddenly in their business. I really love teenagers, they throw the best truth darts.

I know now that I don’t recognise what depression looks like  in him, in retrospect I missed a lot before he went so far off the rails. I’ve had depressed periods before and have a lot of coping strategies, clearly he does not. He mentioned andropause recently (something I said to him ages ago) so is thinking about it I guess. I try to leave him to it and keep my mouth shut, of course like many of us here I am a fixer by nature (haha I am an engineer by profession so can’t help it).

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #39 on: May 31, 2019, 11:24:17 PM »
If he's home most of the time Sun, I hope you get out as much as possible.  Live in MLCers are a nightmare, both kinds are a nightmare but the live-in's have you walking on eggshells - I remember it well ::) ::)

You sound strong and determined and that's a huge apart for any LBS.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

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